


Much Worse Games To Play

by panskiss123



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:31:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 86
Words: 306,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3246347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panskiss123/pseuds/panskiss123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a POV story showing Peeta's and Katniss's trials and healing after everything they have been through. Heavy on smut, language, and violence. DO NOT read if easily offended! I've started to post this on FF.net so I wanted to add it here as well!<br/>As always, please review! :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The wheelbarrow makes too much noise as I push it toward Victor’s Village. District 12 is quiet, and I wonder if I am the only one awake at this time. Probably. My dad was the one to rise before everyone so he could get a start on fresh bread. I would wake up and help him while my mother and brothers slept. I’m used to baker’s hours. And besides, I haven’t slept in many nights. Maybe that explains the dark circles under my eyes.

As I approach her house, I start to tense up. There are so many emotions flooding through me and they all involve her. I’m not ready to see her, I don’t think. I don’t imagine she’s ready to see me. The only person I have seen since I’ve returned is Haymitch and that’s because Dr. Aurelius told him to pick me up from the station. I asked Haymitch on our way back to Victor’s Village, how Katniss was doing. He merely grunted.

“As well as you’d expect.”

Ok, that doesn’t really help. But I keep thinking back to the last time I saw her, how I watched her struggle and bite the soldiers who were arresting her. It was right after she had killed Coin, and she had tried to take the night lock but I stopped her. Why did I stop her? Hadn’t I wished she would die during the War? Wasn’t she my enemy?

No. No matter how much poison flows through my veins, I cannot live if Katniss had died. I had to stop her. I can still feel her teeth sinking into my flesh and the little white scars on my hand prove that I wasn’t dreaming it.  
My head snaps up as I reach her house and I push the wheelbarrow to the side of the house. Picking up the shovel I had borrowed from town, I start digging up the ground underneath the windows. After a few minutes, I pause to wipe the sweat from my brow and I run my fingers through my hair before I continue to dig. I hear the door slam and I tense up as I see someone rounding the corner. 

No way this skeleton could be the girl I once loved. Her grey eyes are clouded with sadness and they are sunken in, her face pale and sickly. Her clothes hang off of her emaciated form and there is dirt on her hands. Her hair is matted in clumps and she’s staring at me like she doesn’t know if I’m here or not. We just stare at each for the longest time and I wonder which of us will be the first to speak.

“You’re back.” Her voice is scratchy and makes my heart leap and hurt. 

“Dr. Aurelius wouldn’t let me leave the Capitol until yesterday,” I reply. “By the way, he said to tell you he can’t keep pretending he’s treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone.” Damn. Why did I tell her that? Because I don’t really know what else to say, I suppose. She frowns and reaches up to run her hand through her messy hair, as if she’s trying to make it look presentable. I can tell she hasn’t bathed in a long time. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting to wrap her in my arms and hold her until the end of time. At the same time, my head is screaming at my heart. It’s telling me I’m a fool for ever loving her, that she will try to hurt me again.  
I shake myself. Stop it head. Stop it heart. Just. Stop. 

“What are you doing?” Her voice is quiet. Weak. Everything that Katniss isn’t.

“I, um…I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her,” I gesture toward the wheelbarrow. “I thought we could plant them along the side of the house.” She looks at the plants and her face reddens. I know what’s going through her mind, what she’s thinking of, and I grab one of the bushes and hold it out to her.

“Evening primrose,” I say softly. I see her face soften and something flicker in her eyes as she stares at the plant in my hand. She’d thought I brought roses. I would never be so stupid or heartless. But these lovely flowers, with her sister’s namesake, her deceased sister’s namesake, make her expressions soft and lovely again. Her eyes drift back up to mine and are filled with tears. She gives me a brief nod, then without a word she runs back into her house and slams the door. With a sigh, I turn back to the flowers and start to plant them. She needs time. We both do. And I’ll be here when she’s ready. 

I don’t see Katniss again after that. I stay in my kitchen and bake and sometimes leave fresh bread on her porch. Sometimes I find fresh strawberries on my porch, and use them to bake cakes or pie. This little exchange of gifts is great but we don’t see each other. I do notice Greasy Sae going to her place early in the mornings and one morning, she invited me along. I declined, saying it was too soon.

“Gotta start somewhere, boy,” the old woman had told me.

Almost three weeks after I had returned to 12, Haymitch comes around and has an uneasy look on his face.

“What’s wrong Haymitch?” 

“You haven’t seen sweetheart lately, have you?” Sweetheart? Oh. Katniss.

“No, why?” The uneasy look on his face deepens and I feel panic start to course through me.

“Is she not at home?”

“She told Sae she was going hunting yesterday. She, um…she hasn’t been back to her house yet.” I grip the counter tightly. As much as she loves those woods, I know they’re dangerous. What if she’s hurt? What if she’s…

“Did anything happen to make her…” I don’t know how to finish that sentence. Want to hurt herself, I suppose is what I’m trying to ask but I can’t put it into words. Haymitch clears his throat.

“She found her sister’s old cat.” Oh, Katniss. I know what Buttercup meant to Prim and I’m sure just seeing him set her back. I start to worry even more. 

“Haymitch we have to find her.”

“It’s getting dark now. I don’t think we’ll be able to get a search party out there tonight.”

“Not even for the mockingjay?” I say heatedly. Haymitch bites his lip.

“Fine. I’ll go alone.” I search my drawers for a flashlight and flick it on to test it.

“I’ll go into town and see if anyone has seen her yet. Sae said no one has seen her since yesterday morning.” I ignore the pounding of my heart and grab my jacket. When I step outside, I shiver at how cold it’s gotten. God Katniss, please be alright. 

“I’ll head to the woods and see if I can find her. Try to get some more people to look for her.” 

“Be careful kid.” 

 

I make my way out towards the woods and take a deep breath before entering. I’m not one for these woods, I’ve never had any reason to enter them. I’ll leave the hunting to Katniss. I feel safe in my kitchen and have no need of leaving it. But Katniss could be hurt and I’ll be damned if I lose her now. Not after everything we have been through, everything we have overcome. I may not love her as I once did but the girl still makes me feel things. Trying to ignore how much this feels like the Games, I shine my flashlight into the woods and take cautious steps. Katniss has always told me I have very heavy footsteps and in the silence of the woods tonight, I can say she is right. My prosthetic leg doesn’t help much either. 

I’m not too sure how far I’ve gone in but I look behind me and see I can still see the fence. Good. I don’t need to get lost in here too. But I start to hear something that makes me freeze in my tracks. Birds singing. Mockingjays. As I listen to the birds singing, I immediately recognize the song. It’s one that Katniss has sung before. I’ve seen videos of her singing it to Rue when the little girl was dying. I whirl around, searching in the darkness.

“Katniss!” I call out to the silent woods. “Katniss, where are you?” The mockingjay repeats my frantic words and I run toward the birds. I can still hear the singing, but it’s very faint. It’s coming from below me. I look down and frown when I see a gaping hole in the ground. Sinkholes. I had heard that since they’ve abandoned the mines, these sinkholes are popping up all over the place. If I had taken one more step, I would have fallen in. I drop to my knees and peer over the edge.

“Katniss?” I can hear her singing. Her voice is weak and shaky but she continues as if she can’t hear me. Or maybe she’s thinking I’m not really here. I shine the light down the hole and feel my heart race.

She’s lying in a crumpled heap in a puddle of mud. Her legs are bent at a strange angle and I can barely make out her face.

“Katniss! Katniss!” I continue to scream into the hole. The singing stops and I see her move slightly.

“Go away.” 

“Katniss it’s me. It’s Peeta!”

“Just leave me here to die.”

“Katniss! Stop this. I’m here, I’ll get you out.”

“No. You’re not real,” I hear her say softly. I’m starting to get frustrated.

“I’m real, Katniss! I’m right here. And I’m not leaving you. Just… hold on!” I look around and grow more panic-stricken. How am I supposed to get Haymitch? I can’t possibly leave her. A mockingjay perches on a tree right by my head and I snap my fingers.

“Haymitch, come to the woods. Quick!” The mockingjay repeats my words and I shoo it away. I can only hope it will go towards town and not away from it. I look back down at Katniss and see that she hasn’t moved.

“Katniss. Is anything broken?”

“I did something to my leg,” she says softly. I can barely hear her. She sounds so frail, so…helpless. 

“Katniss, you have to hold on! We’ll get you out of there, but you have to hold on.”

“It’s so cold, Peeta.” I yank off my jacket and drop it into the hole.

“Put that on. Try to sit up and get warm. I’m going to see if I can find a tree branch to get you out.” 

“Peeta. Just leave me here.” I whirl back around at her words and shine my light into the hole again.

“You know I can’t do that. Just hold on, Katniss. Fight it. For me. Please.” She goes quiet again and I try to shake the feeling of uneasiness. I start to hear other voices and I shine my light their way.

“Kid, did you find her,” Haymitch gasps as he runs toward me.

“She’s fallen down this hole and can’t really move. We need rope or something to pull her out.” 

“It’s not very deep,” Thom says as he peers in. “I’ll tie a rope around my waist and pull her out.”

“No,” I stop him. “I’ll do it.” Thom doesn’t object and I wrap the rope around my waist, handing them the end. I put an unsteady foot into the mud and suddenly feel very stupid. The fact that I only have one real leg makes this difficult. But I ignore my worries and focus on the girl below me. They lower me into the hole and I drop to my knees in the mud beside her. My hands go to her cheeks and I shiver--she’s cold as ice. She blinks up at me with those stormy eyes and I lean in closer.

“I’m here,” I whisper. “I’m here, you’re safe now.” I push her hair out of her eyes and help her sit up. She whimpers as she moves her legs and I notice how swollen her  
ankle is. 

“Ok. Wrap your arms around my neck,” I bend to pick her up and she does as she’s told. I look up at the anxious faces above us.

“Pull us out.” I hold her in my arms as we’re lifted out of the hole. When we’re free, I don’t release her.

“She looks terrible,” Haymitch said anxiously. “Let’s get her home.” I feel her shivering in my arms and I lean down and give her a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“Hold on, Katniss. Just hold on.” 

 

When we get out of the woods, I see more people gathered around the fence. Hazelle Hawthorne breaks away from the crowd and comes to inspect Katniss.

“Where is she hurt?”

“She says it’s something with her leg.”

“Let’s get her to her room and we can take care of her.” I nod and lead the way to Victor’s Village. Haymitch, Sae, and Hazelle follow me. 

Instead of going to her house, I take her to mine and gently set her on my bed. She’s still shivering violently and Sae hurries off to make a pot of tea. 

“Peeta, draw a warm bath for her. She’s half frozen.” I hurry into my bathroom and test the water before filling it up quickly. When it’s full, I run back to my room and stop when I see that Hazelle is removing Katniss’s clothes. I turn back around, my face going red. 

“Peeta, carry her into the bathroom for us. She’s not going to be able to walk.” I swallow and turn back but find that Hazelle has wrapped her in a sheet to give her some privacy. I quickly pick her up, wincing at how light she feels in my arms, and carry her into the bathroom. She’s slipped out of consciousness and I bite my lip nervously.

“Hazelle, she’s unconscious,” I call to the woman. “I don’t want to leave her in the bathtub alone.”

“Then stay with her,” she calls back. I huff. Unfortunately since we are supposed to be “star-crossed lovers” and all of Panem had believed my lies about marrying her and getting her pregnant, I couldn’t be shy about this. I wanted to respect her privacy but the fact is, Hazelle and Sae would both just say that I’m the only person who should be taking care of her right now. So ignoring my pounding heart, I pull the sheet away from her and lower her into the bathtub. She lets out a little moan when she hits the water and I pray that she doesn’t wake up yet. If she saw me in here with her, while she’s naked, she would never forgive me. Keeping my eyes focused on her face, I gently set her up against the bathtub and I notice the water changing color. 

Red. That’s all I see. I feel panic and anger and terror. I jump to my feet, shaking my head and I grab my hair. Stay here. Stay with her. Don’t let the Capitol win.  
I have to get out of here. I have to get away from this mutt before she hurts me! I run out of the bathroom and nearly knock Sae over.

“Peeta what’s happened?” I don’t answer. Gritting my teeth, I run out onto my porch and collapse on my hands and knees. There isn’t anything to throw but I grip the wooden planks of my porch tightly. So tightly there are now several splinters in my hands but I don’t care. I don’t know how long I stay like that to be honest. I vaguely register that Haymitch is sitting beside me. I don’t know how I have resisted the urge to strangle him. When I feel myself getting back to normal, I glance at Haymitch, who is watching me with wide eyes.

“Haymitch--“

“Don’t kid. I’m glad you got out of there before you did something you’ll regret. Hazelle and Sae are taking care of her.” Sitting up, I rub at my face. I wince at a pain in my jaw and I look at him again.

“What happened?”

“You attacked yourself. I tried to hold you down but I got hit in the process so decided to let you beat yourself up a bit.” His lip is bleeding so I guess I believe him. I struggle to my feet and turn towards my front door.

“I’m going to check on her.” Haymitch nods and doesn’t say anything as I enter my house.  
Sae and Hazelle have cleaned and dressed Katniss and have gotten her back into the bed. She’s lying on the comforter, her eyes closed and her face still very pale. Her legs are bandaged in front of her and I notice some bandages on her ribs.  
What happened to the impossibly strong girl I teamed up with in the Games? What happened to the mockingjay, who took on the Capitol with flames in her eyes? This being here can’t be the same girl. She looks so weak and defeated. I hear her release a little whimper and I sit on the edge of the bed, taking her hand in mine.

“Katniss,” I whisper in her ear. “Katniss, I’m right here. I’m right beside you. I won’t leave you.”

“Peeta,” she says in a trembling voice. I don’t know what she’s seeing in her dreams. I don’t know if she’s dreaming of me like I used to be before the Capitol took me, or if she’s seeing me in District 13, when I tried to kill her. I just don’t know. Despite the fact that I can’t believe this is really Katniss, I feel drawn to her. So I lean down and gently kiss her forehead. She shivers underneath me so I pull the blankets around her and tuck her in. Pulling a chair beside the bed, I prop my feet up on the bed and lean back in the chair. I’m not leaving her side tonight. But I suddenly feel so tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. As I’m drifting off, I hear her whisper my name again. I scoot closer and kiss her hand.

“Peeta,” she says softly. “Stay with me.” 

Real or not real…she’s said that to me before. I’m pretty sure it’s real. As is my reply.

“Always.”


	2. Chapter 2

I close my eyes as I allow the wind to take me away. I don’t know where but anywhere away from here was fine with me. I’m yanked back to the ground, however, by the soft pawing of a deer. Finally. I pull my arrow across the bow and wait with baited breath. Silence. Complete. Silence. This is how I like it. If everyone just stopped talking, stopped filling the world with endless prattle and insignificant gossip. Not just Capitol people. Everyone. 

I probably feel that way because I just recently found my voice again. I just recently found a lot of things. And lost a lot of things. Things I’ll never get back, no matter how much I scream to the night…

There she is! A beautiful doe who is sniffing the air warily. My eyes dart around the foliage to make sure she does not have a fawn nearby. When she takes a step, my arrow flies. It’s quick. Painless, I think. Not like Finnick. Or Prim. Or Mr. Mellark. Or Boggs. Or Mitchell. Or…

Damn. My head starts to spin and I grasp it with both hands. I feel the world slipping away, or me slipping away from it, and I attempt to brace myself and anchor myself to it. Peeta taught me that. Good, sweet Peeta, who has lost most of himself to the greatest cruelties in the world. When he has trouble keeping himself here with me, he’ll grip his head with his strong hands and squeeze his eyes shut, willing the nightmares to go away. Sometimes they do. Most of the time they don’t. I’m not enough to keep him tethered to this world. So I lose him for a moment. And I lose myself as well. 

I shake myself, determined not to let anything ruin this day. Neither of us had had nightmares last night, as far as I could tell, and we both rose early this morning to go about our days. When I left, I chanced a small kiss on his cheek and whispered a soft, “I’ll miss you.” Instead of drawing back with suspicion and doubt in his eyes, he had pressed his forehead to mine and softly stroked my cheek. I took that as a positive sign. I was positive he was finally coming back to me. He had returned to District 12 over four months ago and it had taken us time to heal. Hell, we were still healing. I imagine we’ll be healing all our lives. But I had realized just how desolate I had been during my time without him. After Coin’s assassination I had been sent back to District 12 to try to rebuild my life. With no one by my side. Well, alright, Haymitch stuck by me but a man who drowns himself in liquor every night can’t really be counted to be by your side. Especially at night, when the night terrors come. I found myself missing, longing for Peeta’s strong arms to hold me when they’d come. Like they had on the Train during the Victory Tour. It seemed that Peeta possessed an awesome power, to banish any terrible thoughts or images. I was completely safe in his arms. Before I fell into my deep depression, I had let myself into his house at Victors Village and stole his blankets and pillows. I remember holding them to my face and inhaling his scent, my tears overwhelming me as I went crashing to the floor in trembling sobs. Haymitch, or Greasy Sae, I don’t remember who, had found me the next morning and took me back to my house. I clung to his blankets because they smelled like him and I buried myself in his pillow, imagining his head right beside mine. I took out my pearl, my last gift from him, and held it to my lips, imagining his smooth lips on mine. Funny, you never realize how incredible something is until it’s gone. Cliché I know but I had taken advantage of Peeta and I think that’s what killed me the most. That when we found him and discovered that he had been hijacked, he finally saw me for what I was. Gone was the boy who thought I was perfect. The only person in the world who could make me feel worth anything, just because that is what he sees, but now images of me as a murderous mutt fill his mind and for a long time, he saw nothing else. He wanted nothing to do with me, his eyes filled with rage and murder whenever he was near me. His hands used to itch for my throat and sometimes, I wish he had just killed me. 

But now…no, now we are doing better. Both of us. We are rebuilding our lives and rebuilding whatever it is we had before all of this started. I know I love him. I think I knew I loved him before I even lost him to the Capitol. I just denied my feelings. In fact…I’m still denying them. I haven’t said the words. I won’t say them to him, unless I know for sure that’s how he feels. I know he used to. I don’t know if he ever can now that the Capitol has ruined his mind. He insists he knows me now, knows that I never did those things but there are still some nights I wake up to him thrashing around and when I try to hold him, he jerks away as if I’m the enemy. He apologizes in the morning but…it still hurts. 

I try not to think about the negative things. Peeta always focuses on the positive and after everything he has been through, if he can manage to find the good in everything, I can certainly try. But I’m a natural pessimist. How could I not be, growing up in the Seam with no father and a mother who was all but gone. Left alone to take care of my sister, so that we wouldn’t wind up in the orphanage. We knew what would happen to us there. And I was one of the lucky ones. I never had to go to our old peacekeeper, Cray, to find ways to get money. So all in all, despite my attempt to keep them away, negative thoughts continue to invade my mind. I glance down at my hand that is clutching the bow and a particular scar seems to glow. A single line across my wrist. One of my most desperate nights, when I had felt completely lost and all I wanted to do was to see my father and Prim again. I remember watching the blood drip down my wrist until I finally came to my senses and quickly bandaged myself up. To this day, I still have never told a soul what I tried to do. It was my moment of greatest weakness and Peeta would never forgive me if he knew. And we’re doing so much better…we’re growing back together, though I never thought that could be possible.  
And then I remember that day, after he returned. I had gone to the woods and couldn’t keep my mind on my hunt. I tripped over a large root and tumbled down a hill, falling into a sinkhole. I remember lying there all day and all night, thinking that was it. I was going to die in that hole. And Peeta would be fine because he didn’t love me anymore. He would be free. And I kept seeing his face, kept hearing his voice. His hands would caress my face and tell me to hold on, but then he disappeared, leaving me alone in that hole again.

But then I heard his voice. I mean his actual voice. He was really there. He carried me home and he took care of me and refused to leave my side. He came over to my house every morning to bring fresh bread and to check on me. He even changed my bandages for me. But the nights were the worst.   
I was doing better but still waking up with my throat hoarse from screaming. One night after dreams of children on fire and hissing mutts, I woke up to strong arms holding me close to a firm chest with a racing heart. His hand caressed my hair and I wanted to fall asleep to his caresses and not ruin this perfect moment but my mouth got the better of me, as it usually does. 

“Peeta what are you doing here?” He jerked back, I guess he hadn’t known I was awake and he immediately released me. I shivered, rubbing my arms and wishing for the warmth that he had provided. My eyes drifted up to his and he bit his lip.

“I couldn’t take it anymore, Katniss. I’ve been hearing your screams every night and I just couldn’t take them anymore. I’m sorry if I shouldn’t be here…I’ll just go back to my--“

“No!” I made him jump with my exclamation. I bit my lip and played with the blanket (I hoped he wouldn’t notice those were HIS blankets) and stared at the floor.

“I’m glad you’re here,” I said in a very small voice and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him lean closer, trying to hear my words. I looked back and found his blue eyes shining, practically blazing a hole into my heart. I settled back down and wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him closer and burying myself into his warmth. 

“Stay with me,” I whispered into his shirt, sure that he couldn’t hear. But I swear, a moment later, I felt his arms wrap around me again and he was caressing my hair again. The soft whisper into my hair was not lost. 

“Always.” 

 

When I return home, the sun is setting on Victors Village. I glance over at Peeta’s house and see the lights on in the living room. I switch the deer to my other shoulder and change course, deciding to stop and see him before I go home to skin my kill but I see the door fly open and Haymitch comes stumbling out. He’s sporting a bloody nose and his left eye is already bruising.

“I wouldn’t go in there at the moment,” he says calmly, despite his injuries. I glance up at the house and hear things crashing. I wince, turning back to my mentor.

“You just left him alone like that?”

“Hey, as much as I love getting the shit beat out of me, I thought I’d avoid it for one night. If you have a death wish, be my guest.” He gestures toward the door and waits. He knows I’m not a complete idiot. As much as I want to be there for Peeta, I know walking into his house in the middle of one of his flashbacks is pure suicide. He would probably try to kill me again, despite what he has said about knowing who I am. He completely loses himself during these episodes and no one can bring him back, save for himself. I quickly brush the tears away before Haymitch can see and I shift the deer again.

“I’ll check on him in the morning,” I mutter. 

“Smart girl.” I feel him watching me as I cross the yard to my own house and I walk in. Greasy Sae had already been here, I can tell, for the kitchen is spotless. I fling the deer onto the counter and immediately set to work. Hunting and anything like it can take my mind off of anything. My eyes go to Peeta’s window and my heart lurches for him. I wish I could find a way to make these episodes disappear altogether. Greasy Sae has asked me if we are going to move in together…but how are we supposed to have any kind of relationship when he hates me part of the time? I don’t think we’ll ever get back to normal. Not for the first time, I find myself wishing I had just eaten those damn berries in the Arena. 

I finish skinning and cutting up the deer and cover it thoroughly before putting it into the fridge. I have more than enough to give to Haymitch and Peeta and Greasy Sae and anyone else in the District who need it. With some of Peeta’s bread, it would make a wonderful meal. I clean up the kitchen and wash my hands, before turning the light off and going up to my room.   
My fingers work through my braid until my hair is untangled and soft, floating around my shoulders. It’s finally starting to grow back evenly. After…that night, my prep team had done their best with my singed locks. I’m glad it’s starting to grow back. I pull on an old nightshirt and bury myself in the covers, pulling them to my chin and inhaling Peeta’s scent before I close my eyes and pray the nightmares would stay away. Of course they don’t.

 

“A mutt! She’s a stinking mutt! 

You’re not very big are you? Or particularly pretty? 

Well, you’re a piece of work, aren’t you?

A MUTT! YOU’RE A STINKING MUTT!”

And with that, I saw his eyes glowing red as he reached out for me, his hands inching around my throat and his fingers pressing against my windpipe. I gasped for breath as he leaned closer, his hands squeezing harder and causing my vision to go blurry. Tears streamed down my face as I realized the last thing I was going to see was the man I love glaring at me with such hatred. I closed my eyes, allowing my mind to take me away to another place, to a happier time, where we could be together. 

 

I sit straight up in bed, my hands going to my throat as I gasp for breath. I can still feel Peeta’s hands strangling me, see the rage in his eyes. But someone stirs beside me and I find myself gazing into bright blue eyes, completely devoid of hatred and murder. Instead they’re filled with kindness and adoration and something else I don’t dare hope for, in case it’s not as it seems. He reaches out for me and I wince, afraid that the dream was not over. He notices and draws back, looking hurt. I hang my head low, without a clue of what to say to him. I don’t notice the tears streaming down my cheeks until I feel the blanket grow damp and I start to shake violently. 

“Katniss?” I can hear the concern in his voice and he seems to be deciding something. He hesitates for a moment, then draws me into his arms and holds me close, his hands smoothing my hair back and whispering soothing words into my ear. I’m still shaking but allow him to hold me, becoming lost in his protective hold. I just wanted to scream at the world to leave us alone. To let us be. But I can do nothing but sob while my arms go around his waist and I cry against him, drenching his white t-shirt. I feel his lips on my temple and I feel completely safe. Finally feeling like I had cried all of the tears I had, I lean back and wipe my face. A single finger traces my cheek and I glance up at him. He gives me a sad smile before he disentangles himself from my arms and leaves the bed. I almost cry out for him but he returns a moment later with a wet rag in his hands. He gently rubs my face, wiping away the tears and puffiness. When he finishes, his hand caresses my cheek and I nuzzle against his palm. He pulls me into his arms and I lay my head on his chest, feeling his heart beating rapidly against my cheek. 

“I didn’t expect you to come over tonight,” I say quietly. His fingers play with my hair and I close my eyes.

“It only lasted a few minutes. Haymitch was waiting on my porch and came in to tell me you had stopped by. I was upset that you didn’t come in but then Haymitch pointed out that it probably wasn’t a good idea and I agreed. I knew we’d have trouble sleeping alone tonight so I came over and found you thrashing around. I never know if I should hold you or just let your nightmare play itself out.” I tighten my arms around his waist and sigh.

“Hold me. Whenever you can, just…hold me.” I feel him kiss my head and I close my eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” I hear him whisper. “I had thought these…flashbacks were over and done with. Aurelius wouldn’t have let me leave the Capitol if he had known they would continue.”

“Maybe he knew how much I needed you,” I whisper without looking at him. He scoffs and I look up into his eyes, which are full of pain.

“If I hurt you during a flashback, Katniss, I will never forgive myself or him.”

“You won’t, Peeta. I know you won’t.” He sighs and his hands make comforting patterns on my back.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dr. Aurelius has been coaxing me to talk about my nightmares and he’s determined that it’s helping. But I can’t tell Peeta that I was dreaming about him, dreaming about the moment when he had tried to kill me. Not when he’s already feeling so guilty. I just can’t. So I merely shrug. 

“I can’t really remember.” I hear him sigh and feel him tense up.

“Really? You sure you can’t remember anything?”

“Y-yes.” He knows I’m lying. He grips my chin and forces me to look up at him.

“You were gasping my name and clutching your throat. You were dreaming about when I tried to kill you in 13.”

“No! I just--“

“Don’t lie to me, Katniss. Please don’t. It’s bad enough that we dream these things but don’t carry the horrors into our waking state too. We have to trust each other. It’s how we will get through this.” 

“How, Peeta?” I feel the tears come again. “How will we get through it? You and me, we’re broken inside. Damaged beyond repair. You’re taken over by flashbacks, whatever the Capitol planted in your brain and I’m taken over by night terrors, of all the deaths I feel responsible for. How are we supposed to get through all of that?”   
I think then he will leave my bed and return to his home. I imagine he is be angry with me and will leave me alone with the nightmares. But I feel his lips on mine, pressing against my mouth with a sense of urgency and something else. It’s quick but passionate. I discover that I miss his kisses. We haven’t kissed like that since the Quell. When he pulls away, too soon I might add, he bites his lip and leans his forehead against mine and I can hear his heart battering against his chest.

“Together, Katniss,” he whispers. “We get through it by staying together. We’re not damaged beyond repair. Yes, we’ve suffered. But I’m going to try to heal those holes in your heart, if you’ll let me. We’ll protect each other, because that’s what you and I do.” My heart flutters at his words but I shake my head.  
“I’m the most dangerous person for you to be around, Peeta. I’m the one who can cause your flashbacks because you were programmed to hate me. How can we stay together when I could set you off at any moment?” He leans back and studies me, and I feel his hands intertwine with mine. 

“You’re not dangerous because you might set off my flashbacks. You’re dangerous because… of the way I feel about you. You’re the one who brings me the most happiness and can hurt me the most. I tried to tell myself that it was better to stay away from you. That we were better off apart. But I know that’s not the case. I can’t survive without you. You are everything to me, Katniss, and not even the Capitol could change that.” Overcome by his words, I find myself just wanting to bury myself into his arms and never leave. Before I know it, I’m pressing my lips against his and wrapping my arms around his neck. My fingers are tugging his blonde curls as my kisses become more hungry, more desperate. He moans against my lips and I feel his tongue tracing along my bottom lip. I gasp a little, my lips parting, and his tongue slides past my lips and meet mine. This is new. Not even our Quell kisses were this…passionate. Our tongues dance together and I feel his trembling hands sliding up my legs, past the hem of my nightshirt. I feel like the girl on fire once more. Peeta leans me back a little and my head hits the pillow but I refuse to let go of him. His prosthetic leg gives him an ungainly balance and he falls forward on top of me. He pulls back, red with embarrassment, but I giggle and lean up to kiss his nose. His face still red, he joins me in my laugher and I have to say, it’s the first time in…well, I don’t know how long. He must know it too. He smiles as his eyes meet mine.

“I don’t think I have heard you laugh like that since before the games.” I nod and his smile widens.

“I like it. And you,” he grins. 

I know what I want to say but can’t bring my tongue to form the words. So I lean forward and kiss him again, my hands gripping his shirt before my hand slides underneath the material and meet his chiseled flesh. My heart races as his eyes search mine. He hesitates only for a moment before he conquers my mouth again, resting his weight on his hands, which are on either side of my head, trapping me in his embrace. His lips leave mine and I almost whine until I feel them make their way down my neck and across my collarbone. One of his hands gently strokes my arm until I feel his fingertips crossing a dangerous path across the rough material of the nightshirt. His palm crosses over my breast and with a gasp, I arch off the bed, pushing myself against his hands. I feel his tongue dart against my neck as he palms my breast through the shirt. Suddenly impatient, I grab his hand and bring it under my shirt to rest on my breast. I see his eyes widen a little as his palm meets my skin but he relaxes and I hear him let out a little moan. He leans back a little, his eyes traveling over my face until I capture his gaze and hold it while his tentative fingers explore my burning flesh. He gently takes my nipple between his fingers and I let out a loud moan, tossing my head back. He leans down and sucks at my neck again, before making his way down and I feel my shirt being pushed up. Before I can stop him, we hear a crash and a series of curse words and drunken yells. Peeta rolls his eyes and goes to the window, shaking his head.

“Damn drunkard. He’s chasing the geese.” 

“We should go help him,” I say, hastily pulling my shirt back down. But he shakes his head.

“You stay in bed, I’ll go.” I’m about to protest when I feel his lips on mine again and he gives me a shy smile.

“I’ll be right back.” 

“You promise?” His knuckles trace my cheek before he kisses me again.

“Promise.” He pulls on his shoes and I watch him hurry from the room. As soon as he leaves, I feel the cold hit me again. I shiver and pull on some baggy pants, then burrow under the blankets. I hear his heavy footsteps and I sit up in bed, waiting for him. He seems surprised that I’m still awake. 

“Is Haymitch ok?”

“I took him back home and made sure he has some bread for the morning. I don’t think he’ll eat it though.”

“I shot a deer this afternoon. We can go over tomorrow and have lunch with him…make sure he eats.” He smiles as he slides into bed with me but I don’t miss his wince. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Ah, damn leg is just acting up, that’s all.” He reaches down to massage it and I glance down. He’s never let me see him without the prosthetic. I’ve only seen it in passing, just a few glimpses here and there. He catches me staring and he pulls the blankets over his torso.

“I just don’t like to sleep with it on, that’s all.” 

“Then take it off,” I say quietly. He stares at me and swallows heavily. It’s just a leg, for heavens sake! Why is he so afraid? I lean in and kiss him and his hand comes up to my cheek. But I pull away and move the blankets aside.

“Peeta, if it bothers you, take it off. Why are you acting squeamish?” 

“I’m not squeamish, I just…didn’t know how you would react. I thought you’d be….you know, disgusted by it.” I sit staring at him for the longest time. That’s why he’s endured the discomfort all these nights? Because he thought I’d be disgusted by it? 

“Peeta…remember who you’re talking to. Remember what we dealt with in the Arena.” 

“You were pretty squeamish when you were fixing it up, you know.”

“Anyone would be!” Well, no, my mother wouldn’t. Or Prim. I shake my head and he just smiles. He flings his legs over the side of the bed and pulls his pants leg up. I can see where the prosthetic reaches where his knee would have been. He clicks the hasp and it comes off in his hands. He shoots me a quick glance before he leans it against the wall, then dives back under the covers. He seems wary so I snuggle up to him and wrap my arm around his waist. He relaxes immediately and wraps his arms around me. 

“I adore you, Peeta. All that you are, everything about you. You’re perfect and you are mine.” He closes his eyes and looks to be in pain and I bite my lip, wondering if I’ve said the wrong thing. He opens his eyes again and I see them glistening with tears. I lean back, biting my lip anxiously. But he leans forward and strokes my lips with his fingertip and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Say it again.” Realizing what’s going on in his head, I smile and lean up to kiss his forehead.

“You’re mine,” I say in my best sultry voice as I lean in and gently nip at his bottom lip. He gasps and his hands fly to my arms, holding me in place. 

“I didn’t know I could be owned.” I lean back and frown, despite his teasing tone.

“Fine then, you can just--“

“Katniss, stop. I was just teasing you.”

“Well, don’t. I don’t like to be teased.” I don’t know why I’m feeling so defensive. I know it’s a joke and besides, I’m the one who can’t say the damn words he wants to hear. Only because I’m too afraid he won’t say them back. How selfish am I?

But he would never pressure me. That’s just the way Peeta is. Which makes me love him and feel unworthy of him at the same time. An uncomfortable silence passes between us and I feel even more frustrated. This is not where I want this night to go. Sighing deeply, I settle back into the blankets and turn away from him. I fight back tears as I grip the pillow in anger. I hear him sigh deeply and expect him to return to his home. Instead, I feel him gently lift my head and slide his arm underneath me while his other arm goes to my waist, not holding me but simply sitting there, daring me to move it. I feel his warm breath on the back of my neck as he snuggles in closer and his breathing changes so that I know he’s falling asleep. I try to close my eyes and do the same but sleep just won’t come. It’s not the nightmares that keep me up this time. It’s the thoughts that race around my brain. We have both been through so much. Why are there even more tests in life? Shouldn’t there be a time when everything starts to fall into place and we start to build a life together? Aren’t we OWED that? After everything, don’t we deserve to find some kind of happiness? Peeta’s arm moves over my waist and pulls me closer so that I’m pressed against his body. I hear him softly whisper my name in his sleep and I relax. I love this boy. My boy with the bread. And I will find a way to tell him.


	3. Chapter 3

When I wake up, I feel a slight weight on my chest. Glancing down, my heart leaps at the sight that meets me. The girl of my dreams is snoring gently in my arms, her beautiful raven hair spread out like a pillow, tickling my arm. I watch her sleep, noting her unmatched beauty. Ok, so I’m a lovesick fool, I admit it. I lost my heart to this girl back when I was five years old. My father laughed at me and said he couldn’t blame me. I think because he had felt the same for Katniss’s mother. When he told me that, years after I had told him I was in love with her, I nearly lost it. But it sort of all made sense to me. Why my mom had always been so…bitter. I think she knew. She knew that she hadn’t been Dad’s first choice. And she continued to be bitter and angry and she lashed out at the family. I wasn’t the only one she hit. My two brothers often defended me and got bruises of their own. I think I angered Mom the most because I was her last chance at having a girl. So she hated me even more. But when I had told Dad that I loved Katniss Everdeen, he gently patted my cheek and smiled. 

“She inherited her powers from her father.” 

“What powers?”

“When they sing, even the birds stop to listen. Your little songbird is just like her father. She captured your heart with her voice.”  
He wasn’t wrong. Though I love Katniss for more than just her voice (don’t get me started, the list is too long) it was the moment I knew I had loved her. Glancing down, I sigh. These past four months have been nothing but confusing. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve been filled with happy moments with her but we both have so much healing to do, and Katniss automatically puts walls up to protect her heart. I think her feelings toward me have grown and have changed. I know it once was all an act but I don’t believe it is anymore. For starters, who would she be acting for? It’s been months since a camera has been shoved into our faces. I think we can thank Haymitch for that. But it’s the way she looks at me. Her grey eyes capture mine and I feel myself become a puddle on the floor. I am so pathetic in the way I love her. And I’m thankful everyday that I rediscovered my love. I was afraid when I returned that I would never feel the same. That the Capitol had robbed me of my capability to love. But slowly, I fell in love with her all over again. I can only hope that one day, perhaps one day soon, her feelings will change and I won’t have to share her with anyone. To be honest, hearing her claim me last night took my breath away. I should have known not to tease but what would she say if I called her mine? Is it really that simple? Maybe with some women but definitely not Katniss. She’s strong. And stubborn. As stubborn as she is beautiful. I feel like she would shoot me if I called her mine. And yet a part of me wants to try it. I want to claim her, in more ways than one. Yes, I’ll admit, I fantasize about her (hell, I’ve fantasized about the girl since my pre-pubescent days) and want her in all the ways you could want a person. I want Katniss. I ache for her. Last night we crossed a barrier we hadn’t crossed before and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed we didn’t take it further. (I mean, I am a teenage guy with needs, needs that have never really been met.) For crying out loud, I was Reaped when I was 17. I hate to sound like that whiney kid but I’ve been through more than most people go through their entire lives. Katniss and I both, I mean. I’m actually really surprised and REALLY grateful that we are still able to feel a shred of intimacy. It lets me know that we aren’t dead. We’re healing, and we’re healing together.

And, don’t get me wrong, all this kissing is wonderful but I’m getting kind of tired of having to disappear into the bathroom to calm myself down, as horrible as that may make me sound. Oh shit. I’m getting hard just thinking about last night and right now, I’ve got her pressed up against me, with her warm body nestled in the crook of my arm. She’s tossed off the covers like she always does and her nightshirt has ridden up so most of her thigh is exposed. I swallow as my eyes travel up and down her form. God she’s perfect. Aaaand, I just got harder. If I don’t get out of this bed right now, I may end up jumping her bones and I’m pretty sure that’s not the right approach to getting her to trust me and open up to me. I gently slide my arm from underneath her and feel tingles where she had slept on it all night. She moans just a little but continues to sleep. Sighing with relief, I am careful not to jiggle the bed as I reattach my prosthetic then quickly dress. I turn back around and give her a feather-light kiss on her forehead before I collect my things and swiftly leave the room.

Baking has always calmed me down but today I just can’t get Katniss out of my head. The way she smells of trees and the earth, the way her braid rests against her breast, how her olive skin looks in the new dress I bought her, how her stormy eyes capture mine and how we can communicate with nods and gestures. How her curves have changed due to healthier diet and getting back to her routine of hunting and fishing. Her shapely legs, her rounded backside…oh DAMN IT! A burning smell alerts me and I run over to the oven and pull the tray out. Fantastic. I’ve just burned three loaves of bread. I’ll have nothing to take to Haymitch and Katniss later. Shaking my head, I start to knead more dough, trying not to think of how much I’d like to knead something else. I quickly adjust my jeans and huff. 

“Good god, bread boy, aren’t you supposed to take it out before it gets this black?” I grin at the sound of the voice and turn to embrace the owner of it. Leaning back, I can’t help but notice how good she looks. Johanna had been a prisoner with me in the Capitol. We had endured countless hours of torture and hearing each others’ screams and we were both pretty messed up by it. But just as I was starting to build a life with Katniss, she had found someone to build a life with as well. She still drops by from time to time to check up on Katniss and me. Since Katniss is legally bound to District 12, we don’t get to visit our friends much so it’s always a treat when they drop by. Johanna jumps up on the counter and picks off the good parts of the burned bread. 

“How are you doing, Joahnna?” 

“Oh life couldn’t be better. George doesn’t mind being with a total nutcase. What about you? How are you and the girl on fire?”

“We’re fine,” I say dismissively. She raises a brow and crosses her arms.

“Yeah, ok. That tells me that you are NOT fine. What’s up?” I can only shrug. What am I supposed to tell her? 

“Well you’re obviously not getting laid.” I nearly fall out at her words. 

“Johanna, we are not having this conversation.”

“Ok, you’re DEFINITELY not getting laid. What gives? Aren’t you two living together now?”

“It’s more complicated than that, Jo.”

“What’s complicated? You make her scream your name while you’re--“

“JOHANNA!” Seriously, if she keeps going, I’m going to run to Katniss’s house and claim her as mine once and for all, her feelings about it be damned. She can tell she’s struck a nerve and she smirks.

“I know you’ve been thinking it. What’s the problem? You guys still having trouble getting close? Are you still having flashbacks?”

“They’re less frequent but yeah I still have them. I go to her place and hold her at night but then we get up and go about our days. I only see her at nighttime, unless I have lunch with her and Haymitch.” 

“Have you asked her to move in with you?” I turn back to the oven, putting the new bread in and setting a timer this time.

“I feel like she’d avoid the subject. You know how she gets, when anything with intimacy or feelings come up.”

“Yeah, she shuts down completely. And you can’t let her do that. You’ve confessed your love a thousand times, now it’s time for her to do the same.” I try to hide my wince but Johanna sees right through me. She moves off the counter and searches my eyes.

“You don’t think she really loves you.” 

“I…it’s not that, but…”

“But?”

“It just brings up old memories, ok? During the Games, it was all an act. When I found out that she didn’t have real feelings for me…it hurt, Jo. I was heartbroken. And then we went back into the Games again, and this time, I was ready to let her go. Because I was determined to keep her alive. And when she kissed me on the beach and told me she needed me…I felt a spark of hope. I thought maybe she was starting to feel something real. And then we got separated and all this shit went down, and I remember being so confused about her, wanting to kill her but knowing that there was a part of me that loved her. I couldn’t sort my feelings about her.”

“That’s because the Capitol fucked with your mind, Peeta,” she says gently.

“I know that! I get that and I know a lot of my doubts come from my hijacked brain. But when I came back, months ago, we tried slowly to get back what we had, whatever that was. And it’s been great, sleeping with her is great, holding her is great, kissing her is even greater but…”

“But,” she says more gently than I expect.

“But it’s not enough,” I say miserably. The words are finally there. I’m finally admitting it. “I want more and I’m not sure if she wants it. And if she doesn’t…well, what am I doing? Wasting my time being in love with someone who will never feel that way. I may be a lovesick idiot but I’m not a masochist. I can’t go on pretending that maybe one day, she’ll finally learn to love me. My heart can’t handle that, Johanna. Not after everything else.”

“Peeta, you’ve been in love with her since you were a little tiny baker boy! You’re not just going to stop loving her, you know.”

“I know that. But I need to know if we have a chance. If she has any strong feelings for me at all. I need to know if I should hope for that.”

“You should always hope for that,” she says gently, surprising me again. She smiles and squeezes my hand. “She’s been through a lot. You both have. I’m surprised all of us aren’t locked up in a padded room somewhere. But I see how you’re helping each other live again and I see the glow you have. You love her. And I know she loves you. You just need to be patient with her and let her tell you. It’ll be worth it when she finally says those words.” I can’t help but smile at her words. And what an amazing feeling it will be, if I ever get to hear that from Katniss. But is it ever going to happen? I just don’t know.

“I’ve got to get going. It was good to see you, bread boy!” 

“Maybe you can stop by for dinner tonight? I know Katniss would love to see you.”

“Count on it. George is away for a convention and he didn’t want me to be alone so I checked myself into the hotel down the street.”

“Johanna, you could have stayed with one of us.”

“I didn’t know if you two would be too loud for my tastes,” she winks as she says this and I just shake my head. “I’ll be by for dinner later. Throw this shit out, it tastes terrible.” She gestures to the burned bread and I smile, watching her leave. I collect the burned loaves and walk outside to toss them to the penned-up animals. My heart lurches as I remember the last time I had done this, my eyes automatically seeing a starving girl, looking at me with such defeat and sadness that I feel my own heart breaking. I remember Katniss and I talking about it in the cave during the Games. I confessed to her I felt guilty for not going out into the rain, actually going to her but she had shushed me and brushed it off. She’s told me before, though, what that bread did for her and her family. It gave them hope, a way to go on. My eyes travel over to Katniss’s house, across the street, and I sigh before turning back to my own house and going inside. As I continue to bake, I think about how much I had loved to help out in the Bakery. My father and I always snuck little treats together so Mom wouldn’t see. My brothers would have other things to do and weren’t in the Bakery too much. So Dad taught me everything he knew. Mom had even taught me how to decorate the cakes. I owe so much to them. My eyes travel around the kitchen and I feel a painful longing. I know what I want to do, I’m just not sure if it’s going to be possible at this point in my life. And it certainly won’t be possible without Katniss’s support. Glancing at the clock, I remember I had told Katniss I would have lunch with her and Haymitch. Hurrying around the kitchen, I cover everything and make sure everything is tidy before I wrap up the perfect loaves and toss them into a bag.


	4. Chapter 4

I hear the door open and I glance at the clock. Peeta had said he would come to lunch with Haymitch and me but he was quite late. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t come at all. I had woken this morning to find the bed empty and him gone without any signs of his visit. I had to smell the pillow next to me to make sure his scent was still there, so I would know it hadn’t been a dream. He left me confused and terrified. This is why I still haven’t confessed my love to him. Because even though he says it all the time, we still act like strangers sometimes and I have no idea why. I sometimes wonder if saying it will fix our problems but that’s the fairytale of an innocent, carefree girl…something I had not been for a long time. 

“Hey brainless!” 

“Johanna!” I embrace her tightly and note how improved she looks. I know only a bit of what she had endured with Peeta and I’m impressed and proud at how they have both pulled themselves up and rebuilt their lives. 

“Katniss you’re too skinny. Doesn’t that boy bake you enough bread?” I laugh and shake my head. Leave it to Johanna to immediately delve into mine and Peeta’s relationship. 

“I’m fine. I just like to run and keep in shape. Got to build back some of that muscle that I lost in the Games.”

“Yeah, I hear you. I used to swim a lot but…” she falls silent and goes pale. I reach out and squeeze her hand and she seems to snap to. Johanna had been tortured with water and electric-shock. It was one of the sick ways the Capitol tried to torture information out of her. Ever since then, she’s been deathly afraid of water. She shakes her head and puts on a fake smile but I can tell she’s seeing things. It’s the same look Peeta gets when he goes silent and starts remembering. 

“How’s George,” I ask gently. She shakes herself.

“He’s good. He was sent to District 8 for a convention of sorts. The Capitol is getting a lot of their dresses and clothing from District 8 now. George is becoming very successful with the different stylists.” I can’t believe how much has changed in such a short time. I know the Districts are still struggling in a way but we’ve all risen from the ashes and improved our Districts.

“Do the stylists still have a lot of work since there are no tributes to beautify?”

“Oh the Capitol may have calmed down their fashion choices but they still look to stylists to make them outlandish outfits and make up.”

“I still can’t believe you fell in love with a Capitol man.” Johanna’s eyes flash and her grin fades.

“He isn’t. He’s originally from District 8. He moved to the Capitol as an apprentice. He is not Capitol scum.” I bite my lip. Obviously I had gone too far.

“I’m sorry Joahnna,” I say in a small voice. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” 

“No harm done, brainless. Now, tell me about your bread boy. How are you two doing?”

“We’re…fine.” I know from her expression she doesn’t believe me. I sigh and shake my head.

“Whenever I think we are doing better, getting closer, he closes off and takes a step back. I don’t think we’ll ever be normal.”

“Of course you’re not normal, Katniss. You’re the star-crossed lovers from District 12 for Christ-sake. And I don’t have to remind you what all you’ve both been through. But that shouldn’t mean you should stop looking for happiness with him.”

“I haven’t stopped but I think he deserves so much better than me, Johanna.” I see her roll her eyes and I glare at her.

“The boy has been head over heels in love with you since he was five, Katniss. He obviously thinks you are worth his time and he doesn’t want anyone else. And I KNOW you love him. Everyone knows it. So why are you so afraid to fess up to it?” 

“You don’t see him, Jo. You don’t see him after a flashback, when he first sees me again and that hatred is still there.”

“Katniss, they fucked with his mind! They intentionally took images of you and fucked them up, so he would be turned against you! The fact that he is still here, still fighting for your love, still putting up with your shit, should speak wonders for the pair of you. You are THE most infuriating girl I have ever met.” I gape at her, feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach. 

“You act like it’s all my fault.” Johanna’s face falls and she shakes her head.

“I didn’t mean it like that Katniss, honest I didn’t. Look…I was there with him. I know what they did to him. I know what he endured. The fact that he found his way back to you…it’s a miracle, Katniss, it really is. And the boy still loves you. He might have lost pieces of himself but he is finding them again and you need to be there by his side when he does. He will never be completely whole without your love. And you need to show him. Peeta is the kind of guy who needs reassurance. I’m not saying he is completely innocent but I don’t think he is the only one who closes off. You need to find a way to open up your heart and let him in. You have both been through so much, you owe it to yourself to see what kind of future you can have with him.” I reach for her hand and squeeze. She smiles and squeezes back before dropping my hand.

“Are you guys living together yet?”

“Kind of. He comes over at night and holds me while we sleep.” She looks immensely bored and I can’t help but laugh.

“Oh whooopie, you hold each other while you sleep. Come on, girl on fire, where is the good stuff?”

“Johanna,” I groan.

“No seriously. Peeta is a guy. I mean he’s awesome and perfect and all that, yada yada, but he’s still a guy. He has needs. I can’t believe he has managed to lay beside you every night without touching you.” The memories from last night come flooding back and I bite my lip just thinking about it. Johanna, who notices everything, smirks.

“Oh, do tell!”

“There’s nothing to tell. We just…we just messed around a little last night. But stopped before anything got crazy.”

“Crazy as in…?” 

“As in we were both still fully dressed.” Johanna rolls her eyes and covers her face with her hands.

“Girl I am going to take you shopping and get you some sexy lingerie so that he can’t resist you!” I feel myself go very red.

“We haven’t…we’re not…I don’t…-“

“Oh stop it, Katniss. Quit being such a prude. You and Peeta NEED this. It will help things, I promise.”

“Why is sex always the answer to everything,” I respond angrily.

“Because it’s fucking fantastic!” I roll my eyes but snort with laughter. I just can’t get anywhere with this girl but strangely enough, she is making sense.

“But seriously, you guys need some sort of connection. I know how much you love him, Katniss. If you can’t tell him…then show him.” And with that, she whips around and stalks out the door.

“Peeta invited me to dinner later so I’ll see you in a bit!” I wave her off but then her words sink in and I freeze.

When had she talked to Peeta?! 

 

As I stir the stew, Johanna’s words echo in my head. She has already seen Peeta. Has she talked to him? Has he told her something? Did they talk about me? I’m pretty sure they did. What had he told her? What had she told him? Was her advice about us moving forward with our relationship based on what Peeta said? I find myself immensely anxious and frustrated. I can’t focus on making lunch. I’ll apologize to Haymitch but I have to get out of this house and into the woods. It’s the only place that can calm me down. I grab my bow and my jacket and bolt outside. I nearly flatten Haymitch on the road and he looks surprised.

“Where’s the fire sweetheart?”

“I’m sorry Haymitch but I can’t stay for lunch. I made you some stew, it’s cooling. I’ve got to go.”

“What-?” 

I don’t stick around to let him finish the question. I take off toward the woods without looking back. My heart is thundering in my ears and I can’t think. The more I think about it, the more upset I become. Why can’t he talk to me? Granted I’m probably overreacting because I have no idea what he told Johanna but the fact that he’s talking to her about us bothers me the most, especially when we never talk about it.  
But then…is that his fault or mine? I toss my braid over my shoulder and huff. It’s easier blaming everything on him. Now that I have lost him and have gotten him back, I can’t do that anymore. I can’t get angry with him like I used to. When Coin sent him to join our squad, I found myself avoiding him at all costs until Haymitch scolded me and reminded me that if our roles were reversed, Peeta would be doing everything he could to get me back. But isn’t that how it usually is? Peeta is the perfect one and I’m the selfish girl who hurts the guy I love. Completely frustrated and feeling my skin grow hot, I collapse to the ground in tears that shake my entire body.


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing that I see when I enter Katniss’s house is Haymitch at the table, digging into the stew she’s made. I roll my eyes and set down the loaves of bread before removing my jacket.

“Where is she?”

“She took off for the woods,” he says, his mouth full of bread. “Something happen between you two?”

“I haven’t been here for anything to happen,” I exclaim, shocked and irritated. What’s her problem now?! 

“Can it have something to do with Johanna visiting?” I whirl around and grip the back of the chair.

“Johanna was here? When?”

“Few minutes ago. Katniss exploded from the house not long after she left and she looked pretty upset.”  
Shit. What did Johanna said to her? Did they talk about me? About us? Did Johanna give Katniss the same advice she’d given me? God I hope not. And I can’t bear the thought of Johanna repeating my words to Katniss. Haymitch must notice something is wrong because he sets down his spoon and pokes my hand.

“You ok, kid?”

“I gotta find Katniss,” I manage to get out before I take off out the door.

Poor Haymitch. Stuck with a couple of fucked-up kids. 

I run toward the woods and duck under the fence. It’s been turned off for the longest time, I don’t understand why it’s still here. As a reminder, maybe. I try to be quiet as I approach but I know this is probably a really bad idea. She’s out here with her bow and arrow and for all I know, is angry with me. As I start to rethink finding her, and consider maybe I should wait for her to come home, I hear snuffling from nearby and I follow the sounds. I gasp when I find her sprawled in the dirt, her body trembling and her face hidden in her arms. Her bow lays a little ways off and her braid is dusty and dirty. All I can think of is finding her in that hole, close to death, as I run to her and scoop her into my arms. I feel her tense as soon as I touch her.

“What are you doing here?” My heart aches at the sound of her voice. It’s sadness mixed with rage and confusion. I shake my head.

“Haymitch said you were upset and I want to know why. What did Johanna say to you?”

“What did she say to YOU?” I stare at her, my brow furrowed.

“We just…talked. Caught up. It wasn’t anything in particular.” 

“So you guys didn’t talk about me at all,” she scoffs.

“Well…yeah, we did, but nothing bad!” I swallow but shake my head. “And I’m sure you both talked about me!” 

“God, you’re infuriating,” she mutters. I nearly drop her. 

“You’re more infuriating.”

“Then put me down and go home. Why did you come after me anyway?” I can feel my temper and blood pressure start to rise.

“Because I was worried about you! I didn’t know what was wrong or when you’d be back.”

“Why worry about me? What, you feel sorry for me? Feel sorry for the poor little mad girl, the mockingjay who’s lost her mind?” She pushes against me and I’m forced to set her down. My fists are clenched tightly as I struggle to remain calm.

“Because I LOVE you, OK?” I yell it to the forest and not even the birds made a sound. She stops and stares at me and all I want to do is run and hold her and kiss her but I remain where I am, my arms limp at my side.

“Damn it, Katniss. I love you. I am hopelessly head over heels in love with you. I always have been. But it’s killing me when you put up walls and shut me out. I want a life with you, I want a future with you, and I know we can have it but only if you want it too. So this is it. I’ll ask you one time and if you want me to, I’ll leave forever and not bother you anymore. I’ll let you go because all I want is for you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me.” I think I see her shake her head but then I’m sure I’ve imagined it. I take a deep breath and move closer to her. She doesn’t back away so I inch forward. I force myself to look at her and I capture her gaze. Her stormy eyes will be the death of me but I force myself to stand my ground.

“You love me. Real or not real?” I wait. I don’t think I even breathe. I find myself wishing that I’d kept one of the nightlock pills from the rebellion. Ok, call me pathetic, I’ve already admitted to it, but I’ve also already admitted that I don’t want to live if it’s not with Katniss. She’s my whole life, my reason for living. If she isn’t in my life…well, I don’t want to live. But I won’t tell her that. I don’t want her pity. I don’t want her to stay with me to protect me. I feel like that’s what she’s done the entire time we have known each other. She doesn’t like to hurt people and she takes the easy way out. Did she choose me, or was it just because she was banished here and Gale disappeared? Am I always going to be the second choice?

I need to know. I need her to say it. I’m so close to her that I can see the tears on the ends of her long lashes. 

“Peeta-“ she starts but my finger goes to her lips and I shake my head. She won’t look at me so I cup her chin and force her to look up. 

“You. Love. Me,” I say very slowly. “Real…or not real?” I see tears streaming down her face and my heart sinks so low, I think it may fall out of my chest. I know I’m done for. Katniss doesn’t cry. At least, she doesn’t let anyone see her cry. I’ve seen it at night but in the daytime…that’s rare. I don’t remove my hand from her chin, though, as I wait for her answer. Finally, her eyes search mine and I can see so much swirling around those stormy depths. She opens her mouth and wets her lips. I swallow but force myself to gaze into her eyes. I don’t notice her move until I feel her hands gripping mine. She squeezes my hands and looks up at me. I think I see the barest trace of a smile tugging at her lips. Surely I’m imagining that too.

“Real.” She’s breathed the word so softly, I think I’ve heard her wrong. I take a step back and she continues to hold onto my hands.

“Did you say--“

“Real, Peeta. Real. I love you. I have loved you for so long. I will never stop loving you. I love you, Peeta, I love you.” I will never get tired of those words. My heart might have just burst from the happiness. I do the only thing I can think of: my hands go to the back of her neck and I pull her in for a rough kiss. Her arms slide around my shoulders and my hands press against the small of her back as I hold her pressed against my chest, kissing her as if our lives depended on it. And I guess they do. I’ll die without Katniss. Her kisses are like fresh air. Her love is new life. She loves me.   
She loves me.

 

She shrieks when I snatch her off her feet and start for home. I remember her bow before we get too far and bend down so she can pick it up and she pulls it over her shoulder. Capturing her gaze, I grin down at her and feel her hands caress my face. I lean down for another kiss before I pull her closer to my chest and carry her all the way home.

Haymitch looks up, surprised, when we enter and seems even more surprised at our flushed faces and our giggling. I’m so giddy, I can’t stop smiling and she has said she thinks it’s adorable (which makes me smile even more). I finally set her down, though my hands remain on her waist and her hand grips my shirt. Neither of us wants to let go. Ever. 

“Well. Surprised to see you both still alive.”

“Don’t sound so happy about it,” Katniss mutters, giving him a heavy pat on the shoulder before helping herself to stew. Now that the world is a lot brighter, I notice the rumblings in my stomach and remember I haven’t eaten all day save for a few pieces of bread. She must hear the sounds my stomach is making, because she fixes up a plate for me too and gestures for me to sit. While she busies herself at the counter, I lean in close to Haymitch, my broad grin never leaving my face.

“She loves me.” He gives me a condescending look.

“No shit, kid. So you finally made it known, what we knew all along,” he says over his shoulder to Katniss. I give her an apologetic look and shrug. I should know that Haymitch will give her shit about it. But she merely shrugs.

“Have to do things in my own time, Haymitch. You know that.”

“Yeah, and I know you’ve been driving the kid to madness. A few more days and one of you would probably have been dead on the floor.” Though this is true, I’m a bit irritated that Haymitch takes it that far. I reach for Katniss’s hand and refuse to release it, holding it on my knee under the table. Haymitch belches loudly and rises to his feet.

“I’ll leave you lovebirds alone then. Thanks for the stew, Katniss.” 

“If it’s the only way to get you to eat, I’ll happily do it.” I grin sideways at her and see Haymitch’s surprised expression.

“Well now that your cooking has improved, I don’t mind it so much.” And with that, he leaves. I roll my eyes and pull her closer. 

“Don’t listen to him, Katniss. He’s secretly happy for us.” 

“He’s right though. I nearly drove you to madness. I’m sorry it took me so long--“

“Stop. I don’t care, Katniss. Well, I mean, I care but what I mean is…it’s better late than never.” Not being able to hold myself back, I lean forward and kiss her soft lips. My hands drift over her throat and I feel her shiver at my touch. Damn it. I’m going to need to find a way to keep myself calm, especially if I follow through with my plan and ask her to move in with me. I tear myself away from her lips and focus on my lunch, even though I’m hungry for something else. She, too, digs into her stew and she suddenly groans and runs her fingers through her hair, the way she does when she’s thinking about something.

“What’s the matter?”

“Johanna is coming to dinner tonight. What am I going to make?” I chuckle and reach for her hand again. 

“You’re worried about dinner,” I say softly.

“Well, yeah! It’ll be the first time the three of us are sitting at the same table since…” she trails off, biting her lip. I reach out to soothe that spot she’s bitten and I shake my head.

“I’ll make cheese buns and salad, you just worry about the meat. Sound good?” She smiles back and it makes me grin even more to see how genuine her smile is.

“We make a pretty good team, don’t we?”

“I’ve been trying to tell you that since the Reaping,” I reply with a grin. 

“I already knew that. Well, besides the time I thought you had teamed up with the Careers to kill me.” 

“When in fact I teamed up with them so I could protect you,” I say tensely, not knowing how to approach this subject. Both games are touchy subjects for us. But I don’t notice her leaning forward until her lips touch mine.

“I know,” she whispers against my skin, “you’re always protecting me.” 

“We protect each other,” I remind her.

“Because that’s what you and I do,” she finishes with a smile. I capture her face in my hands and conquer her mouth. Her hands cover mine and she moans against my lips, making me harden at the sound. I break away from her mouth and my lips meet her velvet skin, my tongue darting out to taste her sweet flesh. Droplets of salty sweat have settled on her neck and throat and I suck at her flesh, dying for more. She moans and tilts her head, giving me more access. I move her braid aside, my fingers traveling over the soft strands before moving to the back of her head where my fingertips press into her neck. Slowly, my hands work their way down to her chest; when I find a nipple straining against the material, I gently take it between my fingers and hear a sharp intake of breath. My tongue travels all over her neck and face before going back to her lips and ravaging her mouth. She moans again and presses against me, pushing her breast into my palm. My hands move underneath her shirt and I groan when I feel soft skin. I suddenly move to my feet and she looks up at me, surprised. I grasp the edge of her shirt and pull it over her head, before kneeling before her. Her eyes are wide, I can tell she’s nervous and uncomfortable. Even though she still has her bra on, she attempts to shield herself. Her scars stand out proudly, making me love her even more, as I remember what they stand for. What she’s endured, what she’s sacrificed, for everyone else. My fingers entwine with hers and I pull her hands down from her chest, wrapping her arms around my shoulders so I can wrap my arms around her slender waist. I kiss her olive skin, from her shoulders to her collarbone and dip my tongue closer to the outline of her bra. Luckily for me, this bra is just a bit of flimsy material that doesn’t hide much so I can basically see her nipples straining to get free. I glance up at her before I let my tongue flick over one and she gasps and sits straight up. Leaning closer, my mouth encloses over her covered breast while I bring a hand up to massage the other. She tosses her head back and whispers my name; I’ll admit, I almost come right there. I reach back behind her and my fingers brush over the clasp. I’m about a second away from having her uncovered but a sharp knock at the door make both of us nearly scream. I struggle to my feet, with a little difficulty, while she hastily pulls her shirt back on and runs to the door. I’m not far behind but see her open the door and my eyes widen when I see who it is. 

“Gale,” I hear her faint whisper.


	6. Chapter 6

Peeta has me hanging on by a thread when we hear a knock at the door. Suddenly shy and embarrassed, I pull my shirt on and run out of the room before he can see my red face. I straighten my hair and open the door and nearly fall out in surprise. 

“Gale,” I manage to whisper. There he stands, looking handsome and threatening as ever. I hear Peeta come up behind me and I imagine the look of surprise on his face. Gale gives me a nod and a smile.

“Do you have time to let an old friend in to chat?” I immediately stand aside and beckon him in. Gale steps in, hardly glancing around, before he turns back to us and clears his throat. Why did this situation just get SO awkward? Peeta clears his throat in return and I just want to die. The last time I saw these two together, I heard them discussing me, and which one of them I would choose. Gale told Peeta I would choose “whoever I couldn’t survive without.” I had been angry then, and it’s angering me now to think of it. 

“Gale, what are you doing here?” I close my eyes and mentally kick myself. I haven’t seen my friend in months and it sounds like I’m accusing him of something already. “I mean, is everything ok?” There. I sort of fixed it.

“Everything’s fine. I’m on a job from District Two, on my way to 11 and 13 and I wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. How you were both doing.” Peeta steps forward and I feel his arm wrap around my waist.

“We’re both fine, thanks for asking,” he says in a strong voice. Gale’s eyes flick downward and I know he notices Peeta’s not-so-subtle gesture. Peeta is claiming me as his. The question is, am I ready for that? Am I ready for the world to know? We were already the star-crossed lovers for crying out loud. What would be so different?

Because Gale knows the truth. And I know Peeta expects me to tell him now. I sigh and think quickly. I move to the side, shrugging Peeta’s hand away but I slip my arm under his and lean in close.

“Gale, did you bring your bow with you?”

“You know I left that thing behind. I’m sure it’s in the same place?” His eyes twinkle and I can’t help but giggle.

“Of course. In your spot, waiting for you.”

“In our spot,” he says softly. I feel Peeta tense up and I squeeze his hand reassuringly. 

“Let’s talk a walk then.” Gale chuckles.

“You always were a better hunter than a talker.” I shrug. He does know me well.

“I’ll meet you outside.” Gale nods and hurries out the door, knowing that I need to talk to Peeta alone. Once he’s gone, I stand on my tiptoes and kiss Peeta’s cheek.   
His eyes are filled with confusion and doubt.

“Why don’t you start on the baking and I’ll be home in a little while to help with dinner?” 

“Katniss-“

“Peeta, don’t. I need to talk to him. Alone. Nothing has changed since I told you I love you. I choose you. But I want to be the one to tell him. Do you trust me?” He searches my eyes for the longest time before he nods.

“Yes.”

“Good. Now, I have to go. I’ll be back soon.” I lean up to kiss his cheek again but he grabs my face with his large hands and attacks my mouth. I’m about to go out and tell Gale I’d see him later but I know I can’t do that. Still, Peeta has a way of knocking me senseless. He has a way of leaving me breathless and wanting more. I want to continue what we started. I need it and I know he needs it too, even if he won’t voice it. But the hardness pressed against my thigh only moments ago tells me I’m right. I look up at him, brushing his hair out of his eyes. 

“I love you,” I whisper before giving him one quick kiss and hurrying out of the door before I can’t find the will to leave. 

Gale is waiting for me around the house and I can’t see what he’s looking at. When I come closer, I see him studying the primroses Peeta planted when he returned to the District. As a gift. A memorial to her. I feel my throat stick as I see his hardened face taking in the primroses. 

“Are you still angry with me,” he says quietly. I hang back, afraid to be nearer.

“No. I’m not angry. I’m sorry if I hurt you, Gale, I just--“

“Are you with him now?” His tone takes me by surprise. It had been obvious to me, when he had accepted a job and disappeared to District 2, that he didn’t really care for me. He had written a letter, asking me to join him but he never actually came back for me. I find myself getting defensive.

“Why do you care?” 

“Because I watched him nearly kill you.” 

“He’s gotten much better, Gale. He knows who he is again, he’s rebuilding his life.” Gale rolls his eyes, and my jaw drops.

“How stupid can you be, Katniss? He was hijacked. You think that just goes away?”

“He has fought very hard to keep the flashbacks away,” I say through gritted teeth. “And he works constantly, struggles everyday, to stay here with me. He loves me. And I love him.” I see Gale’s look of astonishment and I feel a fleeting moment of triumph and pride. Gale knows how I feel about love and marriage. I told him a long time ago that I couldn’t think of anyone in that way. Now I’m admitting to him that I am, in fact, in love with the Baker’s son. A Merchant boy. How Gale must hate that. And I can see it in his face. His jaw clenches and his eyes flash with fire. 

“I thought maybe if I came back…he would still be in the Capitol. And I wouldn’t have to compete anymore. Maybe, you actually missed me. I can see how wrong I was.”

“I did miss you,” I say softly. “But I missed Peeta in a different way. You never loved me, Gale. You loved the idea of being with someone who was like you in so many ways. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left.”

“I left because I thought you still blamed me for this!” He waves his hand around the primroses and I feel my heart start to pound.

“I will never be able to forget that. I forgave you…but I won’t ever forget. I don’t know if you were responsible or not…and I never will.”

“Do you love me at all?” I look up at him, shocked. He’s so close I can feel his breath on my face. I bite my lip and look back towards the house. He sees the path my eyes take and he scowls.

“Gale, you know how important you have always been to me. But it was never like that between us. You have a rage inside you. Like me. You have fire and I have more than enough of that. We’re just too alike. I don’t need extra fire. I need the dandelion in the spring.”

“What the hell does that mean, Katniss,” he snarls. I gasp at my own words, finally hearing them. I mean really hearing them. I need the dandelion, the rebirth, the promise of tomorrow. My ray of sunshine that keeps me going. That’s Peeta. No one else. I shake my head and take a step back.  
“I love Peeta. And if you can’t accept that and be happy for me, I think you should go.” I watch him clench and unclench his fists for a few minutes before he seems to give up, turns, and stalks away. At the end of the road, he turns back and stares at me. I smile and lift my hand in the air, in an attempt to wave goodbye. Gale repeats my action before he turns and leaves Victors Village. I don’t know when I will see him again but I discover that I don’t really care. My future is waiting for me inside. 

When I open the door, the smell of warm bread hits me and makes my mouth water. I enter the kitchen and see him kneading dough, his back to me. I watch his muscles flex while he works, little droplets of sweat breaking out on his neck. His white shirt starts to stick to him in the heat of the kitchen and the way his pants curve around his backside make me forget everything else. His long blonde hair is flecked with flour, making him appear years older than he is. I grin and quietly place my bow on the floor before creeping toward him. My arms wrap around his waist and I press my cheek to his back. He jumps slightly but relaxes in my embrace, his hands covering mine. He turns to face me and I see his face is smudged with flour and dough. I smile as I trace a thumb over his cheek, wiping it all away. 

“What happened? Where’s Gale?” 

“Peeta, really, you’re a terrible liar.”

“What are you--“

“I know you were listening at the window.” He pretends to be shocked, which should irritate me but just makes me grin.

“I did not! I’ve been baking this whole time.” 

“Mmhm. What did you hear?” He looks sheepish.

“I swear I wasn’t spying on you. When I heard raised voices, though, I opened the window just to make sure you were ok. I heard a little of what you were screaming about and I closed the window. All I heard was that you forgave him…but you will never forget. And that you have more than enough fire, so you need a dandelion. I agree with Gale, on that one, because I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I smile and shake my head. I’ll tell him later. Right now, I want to forget everything except for Peeta. And the way his hands are running over my back is making it pretty easy to do that. I press up against him and hear him suck in a breath. My hands roam over his back as I back him against the counter, pulling him down for a kiss. As he kisses me, my hands slip under his shirt and trace along the muscles in his back. I feel an intense fire overcome me and I suddenly have to see him. Before he can react, I’m pulling his shirt over his head and I toss it aside. His wide eyes find mine and I reach up to kiss him again. As he’d done with me earlier, my lips travel from his, down to his neck, underneath his chin. His groan reverberates in his throat and causes a shiver to run down my back. I try to tug him toward the living room where there’s a couch and it’ll surely be more comfortable rather than us straining to kiss each other.

“Wait,” he says before pulling away from my kisses. He turns back to the oven and I huff.

“Peeta, forget the food.”

“I’ll have you know I’ve already burned three loaves today, thinking of you,” he says over his shoulder as he takes the trays out. He sets them on the counter and tosses the mitts aside before he turns back to me and pulls me to him. My arms go around his shoulders and I play with the short hairs at the nape of his neck.

“What do you mean, thinking of me?” He smirks and leans in for a kiss. 

“After last night, I could hardly sleep. All I could think about was what we had started…what I’d like to continue. I just kept having these…visions all day while I was baking, I couldn’t concentrate on anything.” I grind up against him and feel his want for me. He lets out a low growl which I’ll admit, makes me turn ten shades of pink. He quickly snatches me off the ground and carries me to the living room, where he sets me on the couch. I pull him to me, our tongues fighting for supremacy. I’m not sure if there’s a winner but I’m feeling bold and confident and I climb into his lap. His little moans and growls are driving me crazy and I feel a dampness forming between my legs. I grind up against him and explore his chest with my hands. I’m fascinated by the trail of his scars. It makes me love him even more. How far he’s come, how he’s beaten all odds, to still be here with me. I gently bite his lower lip and relish his moan of desire. 

“I love you,” I whisper between kisses and I love the way his eyes light up before they lazily close again. I kiss my way down his neck and my tongue traces the path of his scars over his chest, stopping to lick at a nipple and smile against his skin when I feel him jerk underneath me. Every moan he makes, every twitch I cause, emboldens me. I reach down and rub him through his clothes. His eyes shoot open as he bucks his hips.

“Katniss,” he gasps, as he grabs my hips. I give him a shy smile and trail my tongue down his chest, stopping at the waistband of his pants. Tentatively, my fingers slide under the waistband and gently trace a line of fire. He tosses his head back and moans and I grind against him again. My fingers play with the zipper and his eyes find mine again. They look apprehensive and I lean in to kiss him again.

“You’ve spent the last several years trying to make me happy. Let me make you happy for once.”

“Katniss you make me happy just by being here with me. I don’t need anything else from you.” My heart swells with love for this boy. I tug at the pants and he lifts his hips to assist, finally kicking them off with his good leg. I can now clearly see his arousal through his boxer briefs. His face is turning pink and he swallows nervously. I suck at the spot I found at his throat that makes him moan while my fingernails trace lines down his chest. I love the way he moans my name. 

“Let me make you feel good. Please.” Silently, he nods and I reach for the waistband of his underwear and pull them down. He lifts his hips again and I finally see every inch of him. Every. Glorious. Inch.  
I haven’t seen a huge amount of naked men (I mean, I’d seen a fair few, it’s hard not to when your mother is a healer) but he’s absolutely perfect. His scars run down his chiseled frame and end right above his hip. His chest is smooth and pale, and my eyes follow a trail of fine blonde hair down past his bellybutton that leads down to a thing of beauty that both terrifies and fascinates me. I tentatively curve my hand around it and I see him drop his head back on the couch. I bite my lip, suddenly nervous. I’ve never done this before and I want him to feel wonderful…so what the hell am I supposed to do? I swallow nervously until he looks up again and catches my gaze.

“Are you ok,” he asks softly. My heart lurches. Always concerned about me, no matter what the situation. 

“I just…I don’t know how…I mean, I’ve never--“

“You don’t have to--“

“But I want to!” I protest. My hand curls around him again and squeezes. His breath catches in his throat as he leans up to kiss me. 

“Show me,” I whisper against his mouth. “Please.” I feel his hand on mine as he shows me how to pleasure him. He has me squeeze harder than I expect and I don’t expect the moans or grunts that come from the back of his throat. His hand falls away and when I glance up at him, he just nods encouragingly. I stroke him the way he showed me, and his head drops back again. I increase in speed and suck at his neck while my hand travels up and down his shaft. My thumb shifts over the head of his cock and he jerks his hips again. I glance up at him, afraid I’d hurt him but he’s gripping his hair tightly, his jaw clenched. 

“Peeta?”

“Please,” he gasps out and I figure out that he’s not in pain. I go faster, my thumb flicking over the tip over and over and each time, it seems to send a spike of pleasure through every inch of him. His face is screwed up in delicious agony, his eyes squeezed shut. I feel him tensing up and his eyes shoot open and find mine.

“Katniss!” As he cries out my name, pearly white liquid shoots out all over my hand and his stomach. I stare, shocked, as he pants underneath me. A few moments later, he looks up and he blushes.

“I’m sorry.” Before I can stop him, he pushes me back onto the couch and runs into the kitchen. I get a great view of his muscular backside as he runs, and he hurries back, holding a thick wad of tissues. He hastily cleans me up but I shake my head.

“Was it ok?”

“Ok?”

“I mean…did you like it?” He lets out a shaky laugh as he grabs me and kisses me.

“Katniss. It was fucking perfect.” Something about my perfect boy cursing like that makes me SO hot and bothered. I grin and lean in to kiss him again. I leave a trail of kisses down his chest, his stomach, his thighs, and then I stop at the spot where his skin melds with the prosthetic. I run my fingers over the scar and kiss it gently. When I look up at him, his breathing is heavy and his eyes are wide with love and desire. He pulls me back to his lips and I feel his cock harden against my thigh. I glance down in surprise and he shrugs apologetically.

“It’s what you do to me.” It suddenly makes sense, all the mornings I woke up on the Train or in my bed with him pressed against me, how I had felt something hard and insistent and I hadn’t paid any attention to it. It suddenly makes me blush, that I did that to him so long ago. I understand he’s a guy and he has basic needs but 

I also know that he loves me and only I can make him come undone like that.  
I hope anyway.   
I don’t notice that he is leaning me back until my head hits the cushion and he is wrapping my legs around his waist. He leans in for a kiss and I feel his cock brush up against my clothed center, which drives me even crazier. He grinds against me for a moment as he sucks at my throat, then he moves down and pushes my shirt up. I have a bra on but I’m still self-conscious. I don’t think of myself as attractive. And his words from the hospital echo in my mind. 

You’re not very big are you? Or particularly pretty.

I’m suddenly very aware that his hands are reaching around and unclasping my bra. Before he has a chance to pull it away, I grab it and hold it in place. His eyes find mine and his face softens. 

“Katniss, it’s just me.” I nod but I still don’t lower my hands. These scars have ruined my body. My breasts were pretty much untouched by the flames but everywhere else, you can see where the old skin reaches the new skin. The Capitol tried to fix me but I was pretty much beyond their help. Growing up in the Seam, I haven’t exactly been well nourished and my figure shows it. My time in the arena made me even skinnier and bonier and my breasts are rather small. I all of a sudden have the desire to run and hide. Peeta is perfect. And I feel absolutely imperfect next to him. I fight to keep the tears from my eyes but of course, he sees. Peeta always sees me. He knows me better than anyone. His eyes are full of concern as he leans in and covers me with his own chest. I welcome the weight and the blanket of security.

“Katniss, what’s wrong?” He brushes the hair from my eyes and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the tears to go away. I feel his fingertips at the corners of my eyes, confirming my suspicions that he has seen the tears. He leans in and kisses my cheek.

“What is it?” 

“I just…want to be perfect for you,” I stammer. I really hate myself right now. I’ve become a sobbing mess and I’m pretty sure I’ve erased all desire from Peeta’s mind. But my stupid mouth keeps going. 

“You deserve so much and I want to be everything I can be for you, to make you happy. But I feel so…imperfect.” Peeta stares at me in shock. His bright blue eyes bore into mine and his smile fades away.

“Katniss…are you insane? You still have no idea, do you? The effect you have.” I stare at him as he shakes his head and lifts me up a little, cradling me in his arms.

“You know how much I love you. Why would you think, even for a moment, that you are not enough for me?” 

“Because this is the first time I am seeing you, actually looking at you, and I see how beautiful you are. Look at me!”

“I am.” I grow frustrated with his calm demeanor while I’m freaking out.

“I’m serious, Peeta, look. I have…scars. All over.” 

“Yeah. I see them. I love them. They’re a part of you. They represent what you have sacrificed and what you have gained. But guess what?” He takes my hand and brings it to his own chest, running it along the path of his own scars. I glance down, then back at him.

“I have them too. We’re not so different, you and I. And don’t forget…I fell in love with you a long time ago. Before I even knew what a woman was supposed to look like. My brothers laughed at me when I talked about how beautiful you were, my mother, of course, rolled her eyes but dad just laughed and said we would have a Seam girl in the family for sure.” My throat seems to be stuck; I can’t find the words. Peeta’s hand caresses my face and he holds my gaze.

“You are beyond perfect,” he says in a voice that’s soft but strong. “You are perfect in my eyes and that’s all that matters, because no one else should ever be looking.” I smile, which he returns. 

“We don’t have to go any further, Katniss, but I’d really like to. I’d like to see you and worship you, the way your eyes are worshipping me.” I’d completely forgotten he was still naked and I jump a little as he presses against me again, his half-hard cock coming to life. I wind my arms around his neck and pull him in and feel his hands move my bra aside and his soft palm makes contact with my aching breast. I arch my back, shoving more of my flesh into his hands and he moans into my mouth. Both of his hands reach down and squeeze gently, his talented fingers tweaking my nipple gently. Peeta breaks our kiss and gives me a loving gaze before his eyes shift downward and I feel my entire body grow very warm as he looks on. I see him wet his lips as he stares at me, my own tongue darting against my lips. He leans down and kisses my collarbone, kissing and licking and sucking a fiery path down my chest until he stops at my left breast, where his tongue gently flecks a nipple. I gasp and arch my back again and my fingers tangle in his hair. His hands gently push mine down and hold them over my head while his mouth closes over my flesh, taking as much as he can between his lips. I feel the ache leave my breasts and travel lower, where it makes my core throb. I jerk my hips and his hands rest on my sides, pulling me closer. I’m completely lost in Peeta and I’m fine if I never find my way back. As he switches his attention to my other breast, his fingertips gently slide down my sides and across my hips, to the buttons of my pants. Very slowly, as if not wanting to startle me (I’m a hunter, after all, I know how the predators approach their prey) he unbuttons my pants and slides a hand in, brushing over my underwear. I jerk underneath him and he draws back, his eyes finding mine.   
Is this still ok? He seems to ask. I nod and he bites his lip as he tugs my pants down a little bit, looking to me to lift my hips. I assist him in pulling them off and he gently moves me to the side so that he can lie between my thighs. His lips move back to my skin and I wait for him to put the fires out. I’m the girl on fire once more. 

Peeta’s mouth is blazing a fire down my body that goes to my very core. His fingertips graze my center and I stifle a cry. His gaze flies back to my face to make sure I’m alright. I’m incoherent with desire as his hands tease me in ways I didn’t think possible. I’ll be completely honest. I haven’t had many chances to try this myself. I shared a bed with Prim most of the time, my baths were overseen by my mother, and I was reaped when I was 16. I hadn’t had a lot of time to experiment, which is probably why I’m even more nervous. But Peeta soothes me with his kisses. He relaxes me with his caresses. The way his thumb is rubbing over my clothed center is about to drive me out of my mind. I reach down and grip his wrist, hoping he gets the hint. He does and leans down to kiss me as he slips my underwear down around my ankles. I’m now completely bare to his gaze and I once again feel like my entire body is on fire. I do my best to hide myself but Peeta senses this and holds my hands down again. 

“Let me see you, Katniss,” he whispers. “Let me love you.” He trails his fingers down my cheek and I gently suck on one of his fingers, making his eyes darken with lust. I toss my head back as he takes my breast into his mouth, at the same time, his fingertip is traveling over my core. I’m trembling underneath him as his fingers tentatively explore me. He spreads my legs wider and leans in, his thumb teasing me mercilessly and his fingers spreading around the wetness that has gathered there. 

I’m actually not sure if it’s supposed to be like this but he lets out a groan against my cheek.

“God Katniss, you’re so wet.” I feel my face redden.

“Sorry,” I say hoarsely, not really sure what else I can say to that. To my surprise, he chuckles and captures my lips again.

“Don’t be. It’s a good thing. And it means you’re enjoying what I’m doing.” I try to speak but at that moment I feel him slide a finger inside me and all words and thoughts are gone. I gasp at the intrusion, feeling dizzy and weak. Peeta leans back to look at me, and he never once looks away as he slips another finger into me. It’s uncomfortable at first and I think he sees me wince because he changes it back to one finger, and is very gentle but as he leans down and kisses me again, another finger slides in. I feel myself being stretched and filled and I long for more. I want all of him. I’m about to speak when his thumb finds a certain spot that makes me scream. I start panting underneath him and he seems to understand that he has found a secret treasure. Pushing his fingers inside, his thumb gently brushes over that spot, then applies pressure. Sweat has broken out over my body and I am panting heavily, my hands going to my hair as I arch my back. I feel a rush coming on, something I have never experienced before. I’m moaning his name so loudly, I fear Haymitch is going to hear. Peeta doesn’t seem to care. He’s increased his pace and is thrusting his hand in and out, crooking his fingers inside me like a come hither motion. I bite my lip so hard that I taste blood.

“Let go, Katniss,” he whispers in my ear as his thumb presses against that spot again. 

“Peeta!” I scream his name as I arch my back and feel a wave of pleasure wash over me completely. I lay, sated and breathless, with my eyes closed, never wanting to leave that spot, wherever I have traveled to. When I come back to Earth and open my eyes, I see Peeta leaning over me, his face flushed, a broad grin tugging at his lips. 

“You are so beautiful,” he tells me. I tug on his hair and pull him down for a kiss, our lips and tongues clashing together desperately

“What…WAS that,” I say breathlessly. The look he gives me is one of surprise.

“You’ve…you’ve never had an orgasm before?” Orgasm. I’ve heard that word, around the slag heap. Girls talking about what boys do to them. But I never once thought I would be one of those girls. Ashamed, I shake my head. Peeta’s smile widens, however, and he leans in to kiss me again. 

“That was the first of many, Katniss. I promise.” I can’t say anything to that either.   
I wrap my legs around his waist and we both gasp as we feel our centers meet. He rubs against me, his hardened length against my soft center. I whine for more, I wriggle my hips, but he places a gentle kiss on my lips and pulls away. I sit up, following him, confused. Why did he pull away? Was I not what he expected? Did I do something wrong? I watch him as he moves to get our clothes.

“Come on. We need to finish making dinner.” He pulls me to my feet and we quickly dress, my eyes never leaving him but he can’t seem to look at me. I follow him to the kitchen, we wash our hands, and he goes to check the oven. I stare at him, hurt and confused. 

What the hell just happened?


	7. Chapter 7

Why did I think this was a good idea, going about making dinner after what we had just done? She’s working alongside me, her arm brushes up against mine and I am completely hard again. I try to adjust my pants without her seeing but it’s becoming uncomfortable. That moment is replaying in my mind…seeing her writhe underneath me as my fingers tease her, seeing her body jerk helplessly and hearing her call my name…watching her come undone at the touch of my fingers. Shit. I’m close to coming just thinking about it. I glance sideways at Katniss, who is looking sad for some reason. She’s biting her lip, hard, and I long to soothe that spot with my kisses. Her eyes are downcast while she strips the meat. I couldn’t believe it when she told me she had never had an orgasm before. I was positive that she and Gale had done things. It made me smile to know that I was wrong. To know that I’m her first with all this. Her olive skin has this lovely pink glow to it and it makes me grow hungry with want to know that I’m the reason for that lovely glow. Damn it, Mellark. Focus. Dinner. Food. Dinner. With Johanna. And Katniss. 

God. Katniss. The way she looked a few moments ago…

“Shit!” I snap to at the sound of her pained cry and I see her sucking on her finger. I move to her immediately, taking her hand in mine and see that she has sliced it with the knife.

“I’m ok,” she mutters, yanking her hand back. I stare at her for a moment in puzzlement. What is going on? Why is she looking so miserable? 

“Katniss? Is everything ok?”

“I told you I’m fine,” she snaps. I swallow at her tone.

“I didn’t mean your finger, um…you’re just…what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. We need to get dinner finished before Jo gets here.” Something is definitely bothering her. I take the knife from her hand and turn her to face me. She won’t even look at me. Gently I cup her chin and force her eyes up. I’m startled to see tears there. 

“Talk to me,” I tell her gently.

“Peeta, what we did…” Oh shit. She regrets it. I knew it was all too much too soon.

“Was I not…not very good?” Wait. Did I hear her correctly? Did she really just ask that?

“Um…come again?” She huffs and I can tell she is getting impatient with me.

“Do you not…want more…with me?” Her question was so soft I could barely hear it but it still made me nearly fall to my knees in shock.

“What the hell are you…Katniss, what’s going on?”

“Why did you pull away? I mean…if you liked it…why did we stop? Why didn’t we…go on?” God, this girl! She WILL be the death of me one day. She’s standing here asking me why I didn’t go further with her! Wow. I reach out to hold her but she shrugs off my touch. No, that isn’t going to work. I move closer, reaching out to grip the counter and trapping her between the counter and my own heated body. She looks surprised when she looks into my eyes. I feel my breathing grow heavy, as I try not to think about the evidence of my intense desire for her, which is straining against my jeans at the moment. 

“I have never wanted someone so much in my whole life,” I whisper, making sure she still hears me. “But we don’t have to…we can slow down, I mean. Take our time. Don’t you ever doubt how much I want you. I love you, and I want us to take time to enjoy each other. We have eternity, Katniss.” She bites her lip again and I lean forward to press my lips to hers. It isn’t rushed or intense, but sweet and soft. The kind of kiss that lets me show her that I have always loved her. And I can wait for as long as I need. I’m not the one to step back this time. When we break apart for breath, we hold each other’s gazes for a long time before she sighs.

“I’m sorry. I’m just…paranoid, I guess.”

“You have no reason to be,” I say as I move her hair behind her ear. “Let’s just take this slow. After everything we’ve been through, we can stand to take some time to actually enjoy ourselves.” She nods and she still looks sad. I move closer and lower my lips to her neck, delighting when I hear her gasp.

“You certainly seemed to enjoy yourself a few moments ago. I know I definitely did.” She grins and stands up one her tiptoes to kiss me again.

“I did. And I can’t wait til we can enjoy ourselves again.” 

“Oh I can’t either.” With a smile, I release her hand and watch her move back to the meat, a smile covering her face. She keeps glancing up and shooting me adorable smiles that all I can think of is that smiling face looking up at me as I move over her, thrusting in and out…

I lose grip of the bowl I’m holding and it crashes to the floor. Katniss bends to retrieve it and hands it to me, our hands briefly touching as I take it from her. She smiles and goes back to making dinner. 

I move a little ways, filling the bowls with the greens and setting them aside. My pants are so uncomfortably tight, there is no way I can make it through dinner like   
this. And Johanna senses everything, she’ll probably know before we even sit down. I think Katniss is still a little too innocent to notice anything wrong so would she notice if I slip away to the bathroom? God I hope not. 

“I’ll be right back,” I mutter as I set the knife down. She turns, startled.

“Everything ok?”

“Oh yeah, just need to use the bathroom. The one upstairs ok?” I hurry from the kitchen before she can answer. I close the door tightly behind me and lean against it for a moment. My hand reaches down the front of my pants and I groan at the contact through my boxers. I know I have to make this quick, before she suspects anything, so I work the buttons and slide them down my hips. I reach into my boxers and grip myself, my eyes closing as I do so. I just imagine her hands where mine are right now, how she gazed up at me with such love and desire. Her stormy grey eyes searching mine, how innocent she looked when she took me into her hand. I remove my hand for a moment, give it a good lick, then grasp myself again, feeling warmth start to spread all over me. I picture Katniss in front of me, naked and writhing. Her fingers are exploring herself and she tosses her head back and moans my name. She spreads her legs wider and makes tiny circles over her clit. She’s moaning louder and I start to moan her name as my hand moves more quickly. I see her move towards me and she pushes my hands aside so that she can place her hands on me instead. Then I see her lower her head and feel her wet tongue on my hot flesh. 

SHIT! The thought of Katniss’s perfect mouth on my cock makes me come undone only a second later. I grab some tissues and quickly clean up, pulling my pants back up and checking myself in the mirror. Damn it. I look all hot and bothered and my hair is a mess. I hope Katniss won’t notice. I know Johanna will. I quickly splash some water on my face and try to run my fingers through my hair. Eh, somewhat better. When I open the door, I hear voices downstairs and guess Johanna must already be here. Taking a deep breath, I start to go downstairs.


	8. Chapter 8

“I don’t know what’s taking him so long.” I mutter, glancing up the stairs. Johanna chuckles behind me.

“Oh my dear sweet innocent girl. What did you guys do?” I whirl around, shock plastered all over my face.

“What do you mean?”

“Girl, you are glowing. And I know you didn’t have sex cause you’re too pure but you must have done something! Details! Now!” I grin sheepishly. Not that I can keep anything from Johanna but I never really had girlfriends and Jo is the closest I have ever had. 

“Ok well, I’ve finally seen and touched him.” She lets out a whistle and I shush her.

“About damn time! Did he like it?”

“He said it was “fucking perfect” as he put it.”

“You made Peeta swear? Damn, I’d give anything to see that!” We both giggled and she shakes her head. “And is that it?”

“He…well, he took his turn with me too.” Johanna’s eyes light up.

“With his hands or tongue?”

“Johanna!” 

“Hey, I have to ask! He probably only fingered you, right?” When I nod, she smirks. “Just wait til he uses his mouth. Holy shit, it’s the most incredible thing in the world.”

“More incredible than sex?” I tease her.

“it might be,” she says seriously. I shake my head and finish setting the table before I turn to her.

“So…I’m confused. Why is he in the bathroom this long?”

“He’s taking care of himself,” she says with a shrug. I’m shocked by her candor. First off, the idea of Peeta doing that to himself is strangely arousing but I don’t want Johanna thinking of him doing that. And secondly, hadn’t he…released before I did? Was I not good at it or something? Of course Johanna sees the uncertainty on my face and she pats my hand.

“Worry not, little mockingjay. Guys need to do it a lot. He probably just got turned on by making you come and he needs to get that out.” 

“Good to see you again, Johanna,” Peeta announces his arrival and we both whirl around. I have a feeling if he had heard our conversation, he would be beet red right now (sort of like I was) but he looks to be a normal color. Maybe a little flushed, which makes me wonder if Johanna was right. Was he up there, doing…that to himself? He gives Johanna a hug and then he turns to me. He seems shy for a moment and I briefly wonder why. Was it because of what we had done? Does he regret it? He assured me just moments ago that he enjoyed it and that he wants me. He wasn’t lying, was he? He gives me a little peck on the cheek and I’m a little more than confused. Hoping he is just doing it because Johanna is here, I try to smile at him as I move the meat to the table.

“Should we have invited Haymitch,” I ask softly, glancing out the window. Peeta nods and rises to his feet.

“I’ll go get him.”

“Oh stay seated, bread boy, I’ll go get the drunk,” Johanna says cheerfully and hurries out before we can protest. When she’s gone, I waste no time in swooping down on top of Peeta and planting a rough kiss on his lips. I have to know if he’s being honest with me. I can’t help it, I’m paranoid. After all, I see myself in the mirror and wonder what in the hell he could see in me.

When I pull back, he’s breathless and flushed.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what was that for?”

“You didn’t really kiss me when you came in so I was checking to make sure everything was ok.” He eyes me, somewhat warily, though he’s smiling. 

“And did that confirm something for you?”

“Your reaction does,” I say with a smirk, sounding braver than I feel. Though admittedly, his reaction brings me hope. He looks like he wants more. “You’re looking rather flushed.” 

“If you keep kissing me like that, I’ll have to excuse myself to the bathroom again during dinner,” he says with a wink. He’s still blushing and looking so adorable. I pull him closer and my hands grip his perfect ass. He jumps but smiles down at me.

“So you were taking care of yourself up there?” When he didn’t answer, I lean closer and slowly slide my hands down the back of Peeta’s pants, gripping his backside in my hands. His eyes widen and he bites his lip. “Why didn’t you tell me to take care of it for you?” 

“Uhm…I….uh…” he’s stammering and blushing so bright that I feel like I’m seducing a teenage boy. With one hand on his ass, I bring the other to his hair and tug him forward. Our lips are locked while my hand massages his cheeks. He moans into my mouth and whispers my name.

“Katniss,” he says in a voice that’s laced with desire and longing. I hike my leg up around his thigh and feel his hand move to my backside, bringing me closer to his growing arousal. I can relax now. I know how much he wants me. Almost as much as I want him.

“Well fuck. Looks like we missed dessert,” says a voice from behind us. Peeta drops me and we take several steps away from each other. Johanna is laughing hysterically while Haymitch looks like he is going to be sick.

“Damn it Johanna, you said come over for dinner. Not for dinner theatre.” 

“Get back to it, you two, we’re enjoying the show!”

“Speak for yourself,” Haymitch mutters. I am mortified and Peeta’s face is so red I feel like he is going to pass out. 

“Um,” I mutter anxiously. “Let’s eat.” Johanna is stifling her giggles when we all sit down. Haymitch shakes his head and picks up his fork.

“I will most definitely knock from now on,” he announces. I want to bury my face in my arms. 

“Probably a good idea,” Johanna replies, nudging him. “They’re going to be going at it all the time--“

“And I’ve just lost my appetite,” Haymitch drops his fork in disgust. Peeta and I can’t look at each other.

“Johanna,” I hiss. She looks from Peeta to me and chuckles.

“There is nothing to be ashamed of, brainless! After all the shit you’ve both been through, it’s a wonder you’re not catatonic!”

“I made cheese buns,” Peeta says, in an awful attempt to change the subject. He holds out a basket and my hand is the first to dive in. He knows these are my favorite.   
I could eat a dozen by myself. I see him shoot me a smile, which I return. Johanna and Haymitch take some and we fall into silence. Haymitch starts to ask Johanna how the Districts are and how George is doing and I sit back and listen, my eyes straying to Peeta. He sits there listening as he chews quietly. His hair is hanging in his bright eyes and a smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. I feel the now-familiar warmth spread over me and I suddenly can’t wait for dinner to be over with. 

 

After Johanna and Haymitch are gone, Peeta and I clear the dishes together and he turns to me with a broad grin.

“What?” I ask him, a grin spreading across my face. I can’t help it. Several months ago I would have been suspicious, glaring at him as if something was up but his smile and happiness are contagious. I can’t help but love it. And him. 

“Close your eyes,” he says in a low voice that sends chills down my spine. I stare at him for a moment, before I close my eyes. I resist the temptation to peek to see what he is doing while I hear him bustle around the kitchen and take something out of the cabinet. 

“Here,” I hear his voice right by my ear and feel his breath on my cheek. “Take a bite.” I feel him hold something up to my mouth and it smells sweet. My tongue darts out and tastes sugar. Tentatively, I take a bite of whatever it is and there is an explosion of flavors in my mouth. I can’t help but moan a little. I open my eyes and find his gazing from underneath his long lashes. He’s grinning smugly. 

“Do you like it?”

“This might be the most delicious thing I have ever tasted.” He hands me the rest of the cupcake and I pop the whole thing into my mouth. He looks at me, exasperated.

“I’m going to have to teach you how to eat sweets. You have to relish them. Enjoy the flavors I create for you.” 

“Oh, ok then, I’ll be your test subject whenever you want to try a new flavor.” He chuckles and wipes a thumb across my lips. I taste the chocolate and raspberry mixed with his own unique taste and I feel a wetness start to form between my legs. I lean forward to kiss him and his hands go to either side of my cheeks. He tears away and closes his eyes.

“I should, uh, I should go on home and take a shower.”

“I have a shower here, you don’t have to go.” He chuckles and kisses me again.

“Ok Katniss but I’m out of clean clothes. Why don’t you come on back to my place for the night? Stay with me?” I glance around the room and decide I do need to get out of this house. There’s too many memories, painful ones, here and it would be good to be with Peeta somewhere else. I nod and he smiles. 

“Ok then, grab some of your things and let’s go.” I hurry upstairs to my room and pack some clothes in a bag. Glancing at the bag that had been pushed to the back of my closet, I hesitate for a moment before grabbing it as well. 

As I leave the room, I pause by the closed door across from me. Swallowing, my eyes widen at the sight of the door and I find that I can’t really breathe.

“Katniss?” I feel his hands on my shoulders and I whirl around. He sees the tears in my eyes and his arms wrap around me, shielding me from the horrors of this house. 

“Come on,” he says gently as he leads me away from the room I refuse to go near. 

 

When we enter his house, I feel warmth and delicious smells, all welcoming me. My house is only tidy because Greasy Sae or Peeta keep it so but his house is genuinely tidy. He leads me to the bedroom and sets my bags down.

“You can, um…you can unpack and use one of my drawers if you like. I mean, if you plan on spending a few days here…you’re welcome to use it…I mean…” I grin at his embarrassment and stand on my tiptoes to kiss him on the nose. He seems to relax and gestures to something on the bedside table.

“I brought the rest of the cupcakes with me so help yourself while I shower. I’ll only be a few minutes.” I nod and he shuffles off to the bathroom across the hall. When I hear the water run, my mind starts to wander and I imagine him in there, water droplets dripping down his perfect flesh, toward forbidden destinations. Destinations that I longed to explore more. I shake myself; what is wrong with me?! When did I become this girl?

I decide to ready myself for bed and quickly dress in some baggy pants and a loose-fitting t-shirt. Peeta likes to sleep with the windows open so it’s a bit cooler here than it is at my house. I go ahead and open one of his drawers and shuffle things around so I can put my folded clothes in them. It doesn’t take me long to unpack because I didn’t bring much with me. I hear the water shut off and I climb into bed, burying my face into his pillow. I will never tire of that smell. It’s like fresh bread and vanilla with a touch of cinnamon and strangely enough, a hint of dill. It’s so uniquely Peeta.

When I see him enter the room, my eyes widen and I forget how stupid I must look. All he is wearing is a towel around his waist. There is still water on his chest and his hair is fussed like it looked like when we had messed around in the living room earlier that day. The thought of it made me moan. He glances down at himself and looks sheepish.

“I forgot to take clothes in the bathroom with me,” he says as an explanation. I might just throw all his clothes out the window so he can never get dressed. I’d be fine with seeing this sight everyday. He hurries to his closet and grabs boxers from the drawer. My eyes never leave him as he keeps his back to me. I give him no privacy as I watch him pull his underwear over his desirable backside, then his pants on with some difficulty. When he pulls on a t-shirt he turns to me and his hands go to his hips. He looks rather flushed.

“Stop that.” 

“What.” I ask in surprise.

“Looking at me like I’m a piece of meat. I won’t be able to restrain myself for much longer if you keep that up.” I grin and stretch out on the bed. I don’t do sexy well but the way his eyes darken and looks at me, I feel like I’m doing something right.

“How do you know that I’m looking at you,” I say in mock innocence.

“I feel it,” he barely whispers. His eyes are no longer that brilliant blue, but a deep azure that makes me shiver. I cross my legs, wishing I had chosen something else to wear to bed. The wetness between my thighs is starting to get uncomfortable.

“Then why restrain yourself? Come here.” He takes my outstretched hand and straddles me on the bed, pressing his lips to mine and accepting the challenge my mouth is offering. As his kisses become more passionate, I feel his hands trap mine over my head and I wriggle against him. I can feel his hardness poke against me and I throw my head back and moan his name. He leans down and rakes his tongue across my neck, sucking gently. His hands release mine and I feel them push my shirt up to my chin. I don’t wear a bra to bed and he bites his lip at the sight of my bare breasts, before he leans down and takes one into his mouth. Damn I have never felt so good. The sensation of his tongue on my sensitive nipple is going to drive me into a frenzy. He moves up just a little and sucks at a spot right over my breast. I realize he is sucking harder and harder and I gasp when he leaves my skin, leaning back to stare down at me. I glance down and see a purple-ish bruise forming. His fingers trace over it and I glare up at him. He grins smugly.

“You’ve claimed me as yours. I’ve marked you as mine.” Without hesitation, I drag him down to me and I kiss and suck at his neck. He tenses a little and I move down his skin, dragging my tongue and planting the occasional kiss here and there. There’s a scar below his collarbone that is clearly not with the others. It looks like it was made from a sharp object and I shudder to think of what all they did to him. I gently touch it, then lean forward and suck at the spot in earnest. He lets out a little cry as I let him go and he glances down, his bright eyes finding mine again.

“And now you are marked as mine.” 

“I would trade every scar for one of your marks,” he whispers against my lips. My hands run up and down his chest and I lean up to kiss his throat. He moans underneath my lips and my arms wrap around his neck, bringing him even lower. He tries to shift his weight so that he is not hurting me but I love the feel of his body on mine. I start to imagine the two of us, naked, pressed together like this, nothing separating us from joining together. As my mind races with these thoughts, it starts to acknowledge hands making their way down my body and cupping my center through my pants. I moan and jerk my hips against his hands and he presses harder, before slipping his hand into my pants and pressing against my underwear. My legs fall open and I tangle my fingers in his hair, our tongues and teeth clashing together. He pulls back for a moment and his bright eyes find mine. I smile up at him but my smile fades when I see something flash in his eyes. He gasps and I feel his fists clench on the pillow next to my head.

“Peeta?” I reach up and touch his face and he jerks back. I know he’s going into a flashback. I lean up and wrap my arms around him, even though he struggles against me. I feel his heart pounding against his chest and he pants into my shirt.

“No,” he whimpers. 

“Peeta, stay with me. Not real. Not real. Whatever you are seeing, it’s not real.” I start to panic as he reaches up and hits himself in the head. I hold his arms and bring him closer, rocking gently as I used to do with Prim. The thought of her brings tears to my eyes and I want to bury my face into Peeta’s chest and cry. But I have to be the strong one tonight. I have to fight for the man I love. Snow can’t have him. The Capitol can’t have him. He’s mine.

“You’re mine, Peeta. Not theirs. You’re here, with me. You’re safe, I won’t let anything happen to you. Not real, Peeta. Not real.” He whimpers against my chest and then is very still. I merely hold him for a few moments until he leans back, his eyes red and swollen. 

“Katniss,” he whispers. He launches into my arms and I hold him close, whispering soothing words against his hair, telling him how strong he is and how much I need him. He finally disentangles himself from my arms and straightens up.

“I’ll be right back,” he mutters before rushing off to the bathroom. I watch him go, collapsing on the bed and finally succumbing to my tears.


	9. Chapter 9

When I enter my room, there she is, looking so perfect on my bed. She’s stretched out and I can see her round breasts through her thin shirt. I resist the urge to leap on top of her and strip her of all her clothing and I lower my head as I head straight to my closet. I pause just for a moment and notice her eyes traveling down my body. I glance down and am suddenly self-conscious. I mutter that I didn’t take clothes with me to the bathroom, in hope of excusing my lack of dress. Don’t get me wrong, before the Reaping, I still tried to keep myself in shape and did get compliments from girls on my physique. After becoming a Victor, everyone talked about what a handsome young man I was but I never got the looks from the one person who mattered. After all the war, I was changed. Both physically and mentally. Scars covered my body and I found that I didn’t want anyone to ever see me like this. Granted I’ve never been as squeamish about nudity as Katniss, but I don’t imagine either of us are too comfortable with our appearances at this point in our lives. But when she looks at me, it’s different. Her eyes scanning my body make me harden with desire. She continues to stare at me and I shiver a little. Turning my back to her, I try to focus as I dress as quickly as I can. When I turn back to her, her gaze has never wavered. My hands go to my hips as I give her a little glare.

“Stop that,” I admonish.

“What?” She says in confusion.

“Looking at me like I’m a piece of meat. I won’t be able to restrain myself for much longer if you keep that up.” It was the truth. I’m already finding it immensely difficult to keep my hands off of her. After what we had done at her house, all I can think about is going further and I know she’s not ready for that. I don’t think I am either. Our healing has barely begun, I have to keep reminding myself. And I know I hurt her when they rescued me from the Capitol. I mean besides trying to choke the life out of her, which I’ll never forgive myself for. I know how much it hurt her to look at me and know I was suffering. I know I said some awful things to her. I still apologize for them but she keeps telling me to forget the past and focus on what we have now. I see her stretch out on the bed and she gives me a seductive look.

“How do you know that I’m looking at you?” I wet my lips as I watch her closely.

“I feel it,” it comes out in a whisper and I can feel my heart racing. She deliberately strikes a pose and her eyes darken. 

“Then why restrain yourself? Come here.” I let out a little moan as I take her hand that she is offering me and I join her on the bed. My prosthetic makes me a little clumsy as I straddle her, my fingers lacing around her wrists and bringing them over her head. The way she is kissing me makes me dizzy and weak. I can’t see straight and my tongue explores her mouth completely. I move down to taste the skin of her neck and I relish the taste of sunshine and earth and the trees. My hands move down to the edge of her shirt and I push up, revealing the breasts that I have dreamed about all my life. They’re small but perfect. Her nipples are rosy and pink, surrounded by brown skin. I won’t admit to her I used to fantasize about her. Having her here underneath me is more than a dream come true. I never thought it would be possible. I lean down and swirl my tongue around one of her nipples and I feel my cock twitch when she moans my name. I take her breast in my mouth, and pull back, staring at her heaving chest that glistens with my saliva. I capture her eyes and give her a wicked grin before I go back to teasing her chest, finding a spot over her right breast and sucking in earnest. We won’t leave visible marks on each other since we aren’t telling everyone about us yet but I want to show her that she is mine and no one else’s. She’s already claimed me as her own. Now I’m going to do the same. When I pulled back, I grinned at the purple mark I had made, that no one but me would see. She glances at it and glares at me which makes me chuckle. 

“You’ve claimed me as yours. I’ve marked you as mine.” Her hands are wrapping around my neck and bringing me lower on top of her, as she leans forward and I feel her tongue on my skin. She starts to suck at my neck and I tense up a little, afraid that we are breaking our unspoken rule. But then she moves down, kissing me into oblivion, until she reaches my chest. Her fingers tentatively run over my scars and she starts to kiss one below my collarbone. I remember the night they gave me that too. It was after I had warned Katniss about the bombing of 13. They beat the shit out of me on the set then dragged me back to my room and tortured me all night. Peacekeepers twisted knives into my flesh, not enough to cause damage but enough to make me scream. I was beaten with heavy pipes and huge whips. I didn’t think I would survive that particular night. The thought of Katniss waiting for me, wishing for me to be with her again, was what kept me going.

She starts to suck harder and I gasp as I realize what she’s doing. I feel like I might just come without her even touching me. I am so hard and I long for my release. But I want to watch her come undone again. 

“And now you are marked as mine,” she says in a husky voice. My fingers trace her lips before I lean down and kiss her again. 

“I would trade every scar for one of your marks.” She tugs me even closer and I am afraid I will squash her but she seems to be pulling me into her. My cock rubs against her center and we both let out little moans. My hands move from her face down her body, to rub across her breasts, until they come to caress that sweet treasure between her legs. She jerks her hips and I slip my hand past the waistband of her pants and rub across the soft cotton of her underwear. God she is so wet. I can almost smell her and it’s going to destroy me. I long to touch her, to taste her, to make her scream my name. My fingers rub against her center and her legs fall open as her fingers tangle in my hair. I’m now painfully hard but I’m determined to make her come first. I want to watch her when I do it. I want to see the light in her eyes as I bring her to her release. Her eyes meet mine and I bite my lip. Suddenly, a pain seizes me somewhere around my middle and my fists clench from the pain of it. My hands are on either side of her head and I close my eyes. 

“Peeta?” I hear her voice and look at her and I gasp when I see red eyes with fire flashing in them. She’s smirking up at me and she touches her breasts and scoffs.

“Worthless. You’re worthless and pathetic. I should have stayed with Gale after all. He’s much better than you.” 

“No,” I whimper, shaking my head. I feel a hand touch my cheek and I jerk back. Not real. Not real! This isn’t real. She loves you. She told you so. It’s just the hijacking. Stop it. Stop it now! 

But a part of me wants to stop it another way. My hands itch to choke the life out of her. My mind tells me she is laughing at me, using me for her own pleasures. My heart tells me otherwise. I force myself to listen to my heart. The heart that has loved this girl against all odds. The heart that beats only for her. I hear her voice, softer and kinder and more loving than I had imagined it.

“Peeta, stay with me. Not real. Not real. Whatever you are seeing, it’s not real.” Her arms are wrapping around me and I fight against her. My heart is screaming at me, as it fights against my mind. She loves you. She is protecting you. Keep her safe. Like you always do. Come back to her. Stay with her.  
My hands reach up and tug at my hair, hitting myself in the head. I register her holding my arms and I start to panic again. My brain tells me that she is trying to kill me but I shake my head and will those images away. She starts to rock me gently against her chest and what really brings me back is her smell. I’m pressed into her shirt and I can smell her foresty smell that makes me remember where I am. With her. In her arms. The Capitol can’t completely taint memories of her because they didn’t have enough. It was all visual but they didn’t realize that I loved everything about her. Her smell, her stormy eyes as they bore into mine, the feel of her hand in mine, the taste of her skin, the feel of her lips against mine, the way her braid felt in my hands. All of these things help me stay grounded and focused on Katniss. 

“You’re mine, Peeta. Not theirs. You’re here, with me. You’re safe, I won’t let anything happen to you. Not real, Peeta. Not real.” I whimper at her words, feeling myself coming back, and I whisper her name. I collapse in her arms and let her hold me. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I was the one who would always hold her when she had nightmares on the train. Now she’s the one comforting me. I feel sick to my stomach and I look up at her. The look she is giving me makes me even sicker. It’s pity. I have to get out of here.

“I’ll be right back,” I mutter before rushing straight to the bathroom. I grip the counter with both hands until my knuckles are white. I look into the mirror and hate what I see. I look insane, with my eyes red and puffy. How can she love this?! Maybe she’s right…maybe it’s stupid to think we can be happy together. 

I shake my head. Stop it now, I tell myself firmly. I’m supposed to be the optimist. I love her. And I know she loves me. Whatever the Capitol did, we can’t let it ruin what we have. And what we have is great. I won’t give up. I will fight, as I have everyday, for her love. 

When I come out of the bathroom, I hear sniffling from the bedroom. I find her spread out on the bed, her face buried in her arms. I rush to her side and gather her into my arms, holding her close to my chest as she had just done moments ago. I wrap her arms around my neck and hold her in my lap. 

“Katniss, shh, it’s ok. I’m here, I’m alright.” 

“For how long, Peeta,” she gasps out. I pull back, frowning.

“What do you mean?”

“One of these days I’m not going to be able to bring you back. And then you’ll--“ I silence her with a kiss, one that makes both our heads spin. She’s breathless when I come up for air and I fix her with a hard look.

“I will ALWAYS come back to you. Always. I told you, not even the Capitol can stop me from loving you.” I gently lean her back and lay down next to her, wrapping my arms around her and allowing her to rest her head on my chest. My leg is throbbing and my shirt is sticking to my back, damp with sweat, but I ignore it all. She starts to fall asleep and I just hold her, whispering into her hair how much I love her. 

After she’s fallen asleep, I just lay there, staring at the ceiling. My mind is racing too much for me to sleep so I glance sideways at her and I feel my face relax into a smile. She looks so peaceful. I gently disentangle myself and pull the blankets over her, giving her a light kiss before I shuffle off. I glance back once more and smile at the sight of her sleeping peacefully. In my room. In my bed. Katniss Everdeen.

Yeah, that’s been my fantasy since I was five.

I shuffle down the hall to my studio and quietly push the door open. The room is a mess, like a whirlwind went right through, with papers scattered everywhere and easels knocked aside, paint all over the walls and floors. This is my little corner of paradise and my piece of hell. I paint everything I feel, the good and the bad. From the floor, glowing eyes glare up at me and I kick them away, disgusted. I wish I could say the good paintings outweigh the bad but it’s not true. I paint what I see. I see a lot of messed up shit when I dream. I grab a palette and settle down in front of the easel, stretching my legs in front of me. On second thought…I reach down and unhitch the clasp, the prosthetic coming off with a gentle hiss. I feel instant relief and I set to work. 

I don’t know how long I sit up here and I have no idea what time it is when I finish but I’m finally exhausted and think I can sleep. I study back my work and a scowl crosses my face. It started as a painting of Katniss, lying in bed in all her glory, the edge of the sheet covering one of her breasts while she snored. Her hair wasn’t in a braid; it lay like a gentle cloud underneath her head and there was a smile on her face, as she dreamed something pleasant, hopefully something about us. But my nightmares took over and she developed red eyes, her smile turned into a snarl, and her face was screwed up in contempt. She looked lovely and more dangerous than ever. Disgusted, I knock the painting aside and watch the paint drip. Sighing, I reattach the leg so I won’t wake Katniss too much and re-enter our room.

Oh god. I love how that sounds. OUR room.  
She is still dreaming peacefully and I am glad to see nightmares have not reached her tonight. I take off the prosthetic and slide into bed behind her, bringing her into my embrace and feeling her let out a little sigh as she shifts in her sleep. I gently move a strand of hair from her cheek and nuzzle in close to her, praying she will keep the nightmares away.


	10. Chapter 10

When I wake up, a cold chill greets me and I bring the covers closer to my face. My eyes open and for a moment, I panic. Sitting straight up, I wonder where the hell I am but my eyes scan the room and I remember. Peeta’s house. Peeta’s room. 

So where is he? I could swear we fell asleep together. He hasn’t closed the window so the cold wind enters the room and wraps around me. I shiver and pull the blankets closer, wondering if I should go look for him. I’m about to toss the blankets aside when I hear his heavy footsteps and he enters the room, holding a tray in both hands. He sees I’m awake and he flashes me a smile that makes my heart race.

“Morning,” he says cheerfully. He sets the tray down on the bed and leans in to kiss me. I could get used to this. Waking up to this. Am I ready for it? Probably not but do I want it?

Hell yes.

“I thought you may be hungry,” he muttered against my lips. I nod but don’t move toward the food. I reach up and grasp his hair, pulling him toward me and with a gasp, he falls forward, wrapping his arms around me so he wouldn’t fall. I feel the hard prosthetic leg pressing against mine and I shift so he is more comfortable. I kiss him until we are both breathless. He pulls back and runs a hand through his hair.

“What was that for?” Is he going to ask that every time I kiss him? I feel guilty because he has loved me so much longer than I loved him. And his poisoned mind probably still gets suspicious when I get close to him. I guess I can’t blame him.

“You weren’t here when I woke up,” I reply, “and I got scared.” His hand caresses my face and he kisses my nose.

“Why?”

“Because…last night…I mean…”

“Katniss, I told you, I will always come back to you. We’re together now, nothing can tear us apart.” I suddenly find myself crying into my hands and he is looking panic-stricken. I can’t even explain what is wrong. All my worries come flooding out, out of nowhere, and I turn into a sobbing mess.

“Every time I thought we would be ok in the past, something happened. And when I found out the Capitol had you…I was angry, Peeta. Angry that it wasn’t me. Angry that someone as perfect as you was enduring that. And then we rescued you and I discovered you had been hijacked and…I couldn’t move. I sometimes thought it was worse than if you had died. Because your love for me had died. Seeing you as someone completely different, hearing you speak so harshly. You asked me on several occasions to kill you. What if I had, Peeta? What if I had put you out of your misery? I’d be dead right now. There is no way I could live without you.” He tries to soothe me, reaching forward and grasping my shoulders but I wrench away, tears streaming down my cheeks.

“No. I remember, Peeta. That day…Boggs and Mitchell and Leeg…you asked me to kill you. You wanted to stay chained so I carried the key to your cuffs in my pocket, right next to my pearl. We came so close to giving up, Peeta, so many different times! I wanted to die, don’t you understand that? I didn’t ever see things getting better. When I was sent back here, I was sure I would never see you again. And again, I wanted to die. I begged for Sae and Haymitch to let me go and they refused. They told me I had someone to live for, someone who loves me and was looking for me. And seeing you that day…hearing your voice. It was like I was reborn. Like a resurrection. I can’t forget the past, Peeta. It still haunts me, will always haunt me. And I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose you.” I let my sobs overtake me and I hide my face in my hands, ashamed. I feel him lower my hands and he cups my chin. I can’t look at him. I’m a mess, an utter mess.

“Katniss. Open your eyes.” His voice is gentle but stern. “Look at me,” he says a bit harder. I finally open my eyes and am lost in his blue orbs.

“Listen to me. I don’t expect you to forget the past. That’s how we learn. We remember, we grieve, but we never forget. But I hope you can see that there is so much good now, that WE have good in our lives and you don’t need to keep revisiting the past. It’s why I fight so hard against my flashbacks. There is no reason at all for me to go back to those times. I have the perfect life right now, here, with you. I don’t blame you for anything, so stop blaming yourself. I won’t lie to you and say nothing can ever happen but I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to always return to you. And I will keep you safe from anything, me included. You know I would die for you in a heartbeat, Katniss. I confessed that in the first Games and I confess it again. I would gladly give my life if it meant your wellbeing.” He sighs and seems to be tired of talking so he pulls me into his arms and strokes my back while I cling to him. He allows me to cry, saying nothing, just the occasional ‘I love you’. He pulls me away and kisses my forehead, giving me a sad smile. 

“Where did this even come from this morning? Here I am, making you cheese buns and you go and get all emotional on me.” He winks at me to make sure I know he is teasing and I can’t help but smile. He kisses me again, first my forehead, then my eyes, my nose, my cheek, and finally my lips. 

“Silly girl, stop worrying so much. I love you, Katniss. Can’t you understand that?”

“That is one of the things I understand very well,” I reply. He smiles and kisses me softly. 

“Here,” he pulls the tray closer and picks up a cheese bun, holding it before my face. I eagerly bite into it and he laughs while cheese oozes all over my chin. I suppress a giggle while I catch the dripping cheese from the freshly baked bun. I pop the rest in my mouth and close my eyes, savoring the flavor. Peeta leans forward and darts his tongue across my lips, raking it down my chin, cleaning up the mess I’ve made. He grins as he motions toward the tray.

“I made you a whole breakfast but you probably would have been happy with just the cheese buns.” My stomach is grumbling terribly and he raises a brow at me. I consume the eggs and cheese and berries, then almost all of the cheese buns. He manages to grab two from the basket before I have a chance to finish them all. I lick my fingers, determined to inhale the cheesy flavor. 

“That was delicious. Thank you.” He grins and grips my hair as he kisses me. 

“It’s nice to see you have a healthy appetite again. It took us ages to get you to eat properly.” I nod and shrug. I don’t want to think about that time and he seems to understand. He reaches for a napkin to wipe his hands and I stop him. He looks at me, confused, and I bring his hand up to my mouth. Giving him a shy look, I take his fingers, one by one, past my lips and suck. He bites his bottom lip and his eyes go dark. Moving closer to him, I can feel his hardening arousal underneath me and I know what I am doing to him. I have to say, I love that I can make him feel like this. My tongue swirls around his fingers and he lets out a little moan. I drop his hand and attack his mouth, my tongue clashing against his. I reach down and stroke him through his pants and he jerks his hip upwards, moaning into my mouth. My hand plunges into his pants and past his boxers to grasp him. He breaks the kiss to throw his head back, gasping for breath. I start pumping him and he gasps my name. Shyly, I lean him backwards and tug off his pants and boxers, throwing them aside. I spread his legs and squeeze his inner thighs and he groans as his head hits the pillow. My hand goes back to his thick shaft, loving the feel of the veined underside and the soft skin along the way. I kneel on my knees and push my hair out of my way, leaning forward to give him a long stroke with my tongue. His hips jerk and his head shoots up as he lets out a cry. His eyes meet mine and he gives me a wild look, as if he can’t believe this is really happening. I bit my lip uncertainly.

“Is this…ok?”

“Yes but y-you don’t have--“ I lower my head again and I take his head falling back again as consent. I lick up and down, surprised at the taste of him. It’s a bit saltier than I expected, mainly because Peeta’s mouth is so sweet. My tongue runs along his length, then over the tip and he gives another groan. He is shaking underneath me and I love the power that I hold. I take him into my mouth and hollow my cheeks out, sucking as hard as I can. I really have no idea what I’m doing but his reactions keep me going.

“Ffffffffuck Katniss,” His swearing spurs me on and I move faster, pumping with my hand while swirling my tongue around. I glance up at him from between his legs and see that he is gripping his hair tightly, his eyes are closed, and a look of utter bliss has crossed his face. I can feel him tensing up and he suddenly grabs my hair and pulls me away. Puzzled, I watch him grip himself and stroke hard and fast. Not to be outdone, I push his hand away and stroke him to completion. He releases all over my hand and his stomach and he collapses on the bed, completely spent. His breathing is ragged and heavy and his face is flushed. I grin down at him, loving this side of him. I may not be completely confident in my abilities yet but seeing him like this, feeling him come undone at my hands and mouth is amazing. Panting, he opens his eyes and looks up at me.

“Holy shit,” he says weakly. I giggle and curl up beside him, moving his arm aside so I can lay my head on his chest. He doesn’t seem to have strength enough to do anything but lift his head. 

“That was…I mean…wow.” I giggle again, which is SO unlike me. Seriously, when did I become this girl?! Not that I hate it but it’s very strange. I used to listen to the girls in the Seam talk about what they would do with their husbands one day. I rolled my eyes, thinking they sounded like fools and I didn’t think that would ever be me. Number one, because I said I didn’t think I’d get married but number two, I didn’t know about the pleasures between a man and woman. Watching Peeta come undone at my hands, at my touch, is exhilarating. He turns his head and his expression is serious.

“You’re amazing,” is all he says. I blush and lean forward to kiss him. I’m still not used to such compliments and sweet words. They used to bother me but now, I live for his words. As much as I live for his touch. I guess that’s because I never thought I would have those things ever again.

He sits up and leans over me, capturing my hands over my head and pressing them into the pillow. At the same time, he knees my legs apart so he can lie between them, pressed against my center. His tongue swirls against mine and he presses his hips against mine. His lips trail down to my neck and he sucks at my throat, planting gentle kisses then surprising me with the scrape of teeth. He removes one of his hands from my wrists to slip under my shirt and his hand meets my breast. He leans in and nips my bottom lip with his teeth, which makes me gasp and grow even wetter. 

“Don’t move,” he says in a low voice, almost a growl. I nod and he moves his hands down to my shirt and before I know it, he is pulling it over my head. I keep my hands over my head where he placed them and grip the pillow tightly. His hands massage my breasts, kneading them gently like he kneads the bread. Oh thank god I fell in love with a baker. I love his hands more than I can say. His long fingers tweak my nipples and he takes one into his mouth, sucking and biting and my hips jerk involuntarily. He looks up at me underneath his long lashes and gives me a grin, more like a smirk, as he makes his way down to my stomach and his tongue dips into my belly button. My stomach trembles beneath his tongue and he continues his way down. His hands are tugging my pants down and he flings them over his shoulder. He gazes down at me, adoringly, and continues to lick a path of fire. His tongue gently traces my panty line and I’m suddenly trembling with anticipation of what’s to come. His thumb presses against my center and his tongue licks over the cotton of my underwear. I gasp and sit up and he glances up at him. 

“Didn’t I tell you not to move,” he says sternly, his smirk fading. I swallow and lie back down, never having heard him speak like this before. Except for one time. One time when he left me and I didn’t know if I would ever get him back.   
Peeta seems to sense what I’m thinking because he leaves my thighs and comes back to my mouth. His kisses are gentle but insistent. His hands trail down my body, his fingertips tracing my contours. He pulls away from my lips and his eyes search mine.

“I want to try something. Trust me?” I hesitate only for a moment before I nod.

“Okay.”

“Then you’ll allow it?” I smile, remembering his words from so long ago.

“I’ll allow it.” He kisses me again and trails kisses down my body. His hand cups me through my underwear and a finger slides past the cotton and gently runs up and down my slit. I cry out as he continues to tease me, drenching his finger in my wetness.

“Damn Katniss, you’re this wet from sucking my dick?” I blush scarlet but he grins down at me as his fingers tease. His eyes capture mine as he removes his hand from between my thighs and brings it up to his lips, his tongue darting out and swirling around his finger. My jaw drops and he just smiles at me before moving down and peeling my underwear off and spreading me wide.


	11. Chapter 11

I know she’s nervous. Hell, I’m nervous. I haven’t really done this before (I’ve messed around with a few girls before but nothing too serious) and I want to make her feel as good as she just made me feel. Holy shit, that was amazing. I didn’t expect my proper little mockingjay to be so good at that but she exceeded my expectations. And it’s even better now that I know she hasn’t done that with Gale. I’ve been wanting to taste her for ages, so I looked at this as the perfect opportunity. I slide her pants off and kiss her from head to toe. When I kiss her center, she bolts upright and is looking at me with wide eyes. I try to play it off and smirk down at her.

“Didn’t I tell you not to move?” She slowly lays back down, looking confused and very nervous. Shit. Why did I just do that? She’ll probably think I’m going into a flashback or something because I’ve certainly never spoken to her like that before. To reassure her, I kiss her again and try to show her how much I love her in those kisses. She seems to relax a little and I pull back.

“I want to try something. Trust me?” Her eyes, clouded with lust and love, search mine for just a minute before she nods.

“Okay.” I grin, traveling back to that evening on the rooftop before the Games and how much I wanted to freeze that moment. I’d like to freeze this moment too. Any moment with Katniss, really, is perfect.

“Then you’ll allow it?”

“I’ll allow it.” I smile and kiss her again, not lingering around her lips too long. As much as I love kissing her, I’m anxious and excited to kiss her elsewhere. To make her scream my name. I cup her for just a moment before sliding my finger past her underwear and I meet her soft lips. Damn, she is so wet. And tight.

“Damn Katniss, you’re this wet from sucking my dick?” She turns redder than red at my words and I have to grin at her innocence. I think I’ll make it a game, to see how much I can make her blush. Seems she likes it when I have a dirty mouth.

I feel myself growing hard again already, even after Katniss completely milked me for everything I had. I stroke her up and down and feel her writhe underneath me. Oh Katniss. Just wait. My finger is coated in her juices and I remove my hand from her underwear, bringing it to my mouth. I make sure she is watching me as my tongue darts out to taste the sticky sweetness that coats my finger. Her jaw drops and she blushes a brilliant shade of red. I grin smugly before I lower to my stomach and peel her underwear away. I take a moment to appreciate the beauty before me--she didn’t really give me the chance to look my fill yesterday. I’m sort of surprised that she is bare down here. Maybe it’s something with the prep teams. Even after the Games, I still haven’t seen any hair on my chest or face. I shake myself quickly. Forget about the Games. Forget about the Capitol.

It’s all about her.

I spread her wide and take a long lick, relishing the cry that escapes her throat. Glancing up at her, my tongue dives into her folds as I explore her completely. My hands find hers gripping the bed sheets, and my fingers intertwine with hers. My saliva mixed with her own sweet wetness makes it easy to slide two fingers into her, and I curve them slightly, hearing her cry out again. 

“Oh god, Peeta,” she cries and I close my eyes, delighting in hearing my name drip from her lips. My tongue finds that delicate bundle of nerves and after a few long strokes, I massage it gently with my tongue, feeling her jerk underneath me. I take my cues from her moans and find out what works the best. My hand moves from hers to her hip, holding her still while I work her to her climax. I remove my mouth, still pumping my fingers into her, and look up at her. Her head is thrown back, her dark tresses damp and sticking to her flushed cheeks, her nails are scratching her scalp. 

“Look at me, Katniss.” I want to see her when she comes. I want to watch the light in her eyes, see the waves overtake her. She is so fucking perfect. And this is a beautiful moment for me. Never in my wildest dreams did I envision Katniss Everdeen writhing underneath me, coming undone at my touch. In my wildest dreams, she was taking care of herself while I watched. Or she was taking care of me. I relish this. She is moaning and biting her lip so hard I’m afraid she’ll make it bleed. I lean down and take her into my mouth again and she screams my name. Fuck. That sound. I feel her shuddering and I know she’s close.

“Katniss. Look at me.” Her eyes are half-closed when she looks down at me and I finish her off with a hard press of my tongue; she jerks her hips and my mouth latches onto her once more. 

“Peeta! OH MY GOD!” She jerks upwards and screams my name once more so loud that I think the whole village hears her. And you know what? I could care less. I hope they hear her. I hope GALE hears her. So everyone will know, once and for all, that she is mine and no one else’s. And it’s not an act. It may have been an act at one time but now I know she loves me for real. My life can’t get much better. I slowly make my way back up her body and straddle her. My cock brushes against her center and we both hiss. I lean down to kiss her, letting her taste herself. She moans into my mouth and wraps her arms around my neck, entangling her fingers in my hair. 

God I love the feel of her hands in my hair. When she tugs just a little, I’m on her leash. She thrusts upwards and my cock is brushing against her wet folds. Shit. I have to get off her, right now, before I do something inappropriate. But the feel of her underneath me is too amazing to ignore. 

“Katniss,” I gasp, as I struggle to maintain my control of the situation. Her willing naked body beneath mine is not helping matters. 

“I need you, Peeta,” she whispers in my ear. I pull back, my wide eyes finding hers. 

“Are you…are you sure?” Seriously, what man questions the girl he loves when she says she wants to have sex?! Only a dumbass. But I want to make sure we aren’t moving too fast and this seems a little fast. I mean…we only started to really make out a few days ago. My head is screaming at me to get off her and slow it down but another part of me *ahem* is telling me to give this girl every part of me, body and soul. She reaches up and strokes my cheek and I nuzzle against her palm.

“I want you. I’ve wanted you for a long time. Haven’t we waited long enough?”

“Katniss, I--“ SHUT UP MAN! She wants you! Take her! 

But I shake my head.

“I don’t want to push you. I am perfectly happy with what we have and I don’t need more. If you want to wait.” I see her face fall and I worry that I said the wrong thing.  
When she speaks, her tone breaks my heart.

“Oh…Ok. I understand.” God. This girl. She will never realize the effect she has! The effect she has on me, the effect she has on the Capitol, the effect she has on Gale, the effect she has on the whole damn world. I gather her in my arms and press my body as close to hers as possible. With no clothes between us, we start to form a sweet sheen of sweat between us and I want nothing more than to bury myself inside her. I cup her chin and look her right in the eyes.

“Katniss, you have no idea how much I want you right now. How much I have always wanted you. But I want you to be ready, to be sure that you’re giving this to…the person you think deserves it,” my voice starts to shake and I am instantly frustrated with myself. Why do I have to become a pathetic mess when this girl is involved?! I clear my throat and continue.

“I love you, Katniss. Which is why I can wait for as long as you need.” 

“You make me feel like I’m trying to steal the virtue of an innocent boy,” she said, a bit coldly. I bite my lip and shake my head but she grips my cheeks in her hands and she is not letting go.

“I love you, you idiot. So obviously I deem you worthy and choose you to share this with. Stop being so noble and take what I am offering you.”  
She doesn’t have to tell me twice. I lean her backwards, kissing her deeply, and my hand cups her center again. She follows my movements with her hips, and I let her ride my fingers. I grasp myself and rub myself over her folds--she’s even wetter now! She squeezes and I buck my hips against her.

“Peeta,” she gasps and I close my eyes at the sound of it. “You’re…you’re going to have to help me. I mean…I’m not sure I know what to do.” I shake my head and lean in to kiss her.

“Do you trust me, Katniss?”

“Of course. It’s just…”

“Just what?”

“I don’t…I don’t have the experience you do,” she says very quietly. My brow furrows as I study her and she can’t seem to look at me. Wait….

“What exactly do you think I have done?” She’s looking to the side and I cup her chin, bringing her gaze up. She gives a little shrug.

“Katniss?”

“What?”

“Talk to me.” Granted this isn’t the best time for this, as my cock is hard and pressing against her dripping center. But I need to hear what’s bothering her. If she thinks I’ve done this with another girl, I’ll lose it. She has to know that there’s never been anyone else. She still can’t seem to look at me so I tell her the truth.

“Katniss, I have as much experience in this as you do.” The look of surprise on her face just answers my questions. I can’t help but shake my head.

“You thought you were the only virgin here.”

“I…you just…seem so confident and know what you’re doing. You were always so popular…I just…I just assumed you had taken someone to the slag heap.”

“I did,” I confess. No point in lying to her. And now I see how much it hurts her so I press my forehead against hers so she can’t look away. “But it was never anything serious and we never got very far. I was in love with one person. I was saving myself for that one person. Why would I throw myself away on some random girl?” 

“I’m…I’m your first?” I kiss her hard on the lips and give her a smile. She looks so hopeful and it makes me giddy to know that this is what makes her happy. Knowing that she is the first girl to have this part of me, that she’ll be the only girl to ever share this with me.

“My first and only,” I assure her. She reaches up and runs her fingers through my hair and I kiss her again. 

She spreads her legs wider and I rub myself against her. I’m instantly hard and wanting again. But my brother’s voice suddenly echoes in my head and I gasp.

Don’t ever sleep with a girl without a condom on, little bro. Mom will kill you if you knock a girl up and give us an extra mouth to feed.

Her eyes widen as I back away from her.

“Peeta, what’s--“

“Just a second, Katniss.” I reach into my drawer and pull one out. I take a moment to thank my brothers for giving them to me when they’d heard of my engagement. I didn’t have the heart to tell them I would never need them because the girl I was engaged to didn’t return my love.

Blinking, I tear the wrapper with my teeth and cover myself. I return to between Katniss’s legs and lean down to kiss her. I try not to let her see me trembling. Truthfully, I’m clueless and really want her to feel amazing. But I’ve never done this before and am afraid this will just be awkward and painful.

“Where were we?” She smiles up at me, betraying more confidence than I’m feeling, and reaches between us to grasp me, guiding me to her. I start entering her as slowly as I can and the feeling is beyond incredible. I see her eyes widen and then tears appear there and I feel terrible. I press my forehead to hers and whisper my apologies. She just shakes them away.

“Just do it, Peeta. Please.” That’s Katniss. Not the do it slow type of girl but rip the bandage off completely. I remember in our second Games, when we had all been poisoned by the fog, she had dove into the water while Finnick and I found it nearly impossible to submerge just our hands. I look down at where we are nearly connected and back at her. She gives me a little nod and I lean down to kiss her, swallowing her cry as I sheathe myself completely. The feeling is intoxicating. She is so tight as she surrounds me and I do my best to be completely still to allow her time to adjust. Her face is screwed up in pain and I feel so guilty. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper but she shakes her head.

“Just…just give me a minute,” she replies, biting her lip. I kiss her again, gentle at first and then nip at her bottom lip, taking it between my teeth and tugging slightly. 

She moans and bucks her hips upwards and I gasp as I’m pushed even deeper into her. I rest my forehead on her chest so that I won’t move and wait until she is ready. A few seconds later, she is moving her hips and I know immediately I’m not going to last long. I pull out slowly, then push back in and soon our hips are meeting and clashing together. We find a rhythm that has us both panting and moaning and we are both racing toward the edge. When I tumble over it, I want her right there with me. So I hold on as long as I can, gripping her breast as I thrust into her. I look down at where we are joined and I can’t help but moan a little at the sight of me entering her like this. 

“Oh god, Peeta, I’m...I'm....”

“Me too,” I grunt as I thrust even harder. I reach down between us and find that little nub that drives her mad. Pressing my thumb against it, I hear her scream again and she tugs on my hair so hard I think she may have just pulled a few strands out. I feel her clench around me and I pull out quickly, knowing full well that if I release inside her we may have even bigger issues to deal with, ones that we are most certainly not ready to face. I don’t know how long condoms are supposed to last but I’m not taking ANY chances. With a few strokes of my hand, looking at Katniss panting underneath me, I follow her and cry her name as I join her in bliss. I collapse on top of her, our hearts racing together, our damp bodies sticking together, truly making us one. I quickly jump up and dispose of the condom and run to the bathroom for a wet rag. I come back and kneel beside her, prying her legs apart so I can clean her up. She blushes and I bite my lip at the sight of the blood on both of us. I quickly clean both of us up and toss the cloth aside before I’m back on the bed, rolling us to the side so that I am not squashing her and I wrap my arms around her. Her damp hair is spread over my arm like a dark waterfall and between her gasping breaths, she leans in to whisper “I love you” in my ear. Fully satisfied, my heart so full and complete, I drift off to a peaceful sleep with the love of my life safe in my arms.


	12. Chapter 12

When I wake up again, I feel a warmth and a glow that I have never experienced before. I glance sideways and I smile at the boy lying beside me. I know he is the reason my heart is so full right now. I lean up to take him all in and my heart starts to thunder in my chest. He’s like an Adonis, the way his golden hair falls in his face and the sheets barely cover his pelvis. I move my legs and there is an ache between my thighs that reminds me of what we had done. Mine. That’s all I can think of in this moment. I had thought for the longest time that Peeta had long ago lost his virginity to some Merchant girl. I was sure someone else had that claim. But when he told me last night that I was his only one, I admit I felt my heart start to beat so loudly, I didn’t think my chest could contain it. I can’t say that I imagined losing my virginity because I didn’t think it would ever happen. But what Peeta and I shared last night was indescribable. He was gentle and perfect. And I love him even more.

Feeling sweaty and sticky, I gently push the blankets back and do my best not to wake him. The phone downstairs starts to ring and I glance at him, biting my lip. He is sleeping so peacefully, he looks pristine and perfect. I decide to ignore the phone; it’s not really my house anyway. I give him a little kiss before I gather some clothes and take them into the bathroom. 

I love Peeta’s bathtub. I suppose because of his leg, he has an extension that allows him to sit and the shower rod is curved so that there is more space between the wall and the curtain. Another bar is nailed to the wall, to help him get in and out of the tub, I imagine. I test the water first, then step in and sigh as the hot water hits me. Standing under the faucet for a moment, I allow the water to hit me in the face and I raise my arms toward the sky. I’m almost reluctant to wash away the kisses and touches Peeta placed on me but I have a feeling that wasn’t a ‘one-time’ thing. I for one am looking forward to the next time and I can only hope he feels the same. 

Lost in my thoughts, I don’t hear the door open or the familiar clunk of a plastic leg on the floor. Peeta is shockingly quiet when he pulls back the curtain and steps into the tub with me. His arms wrap around me, one hand on my stomach and one covering my breast. At the same time, he leans in to kiss my neck and I gasp, nearly knocking him in the face with my head. 

“Easy, easy, it’s just me,” he says soothingly into my ear. I relax in his arms but turn my head and scowl at him.

“Don’t DO that.”

“I’m shocked you didn’t hear me come in. Thought you said I was loud.”

“You are but I guess I’m just daydreaming.” 

“Mm? What about?” He kisses my neck and I close my eyes, tilting my head to allow him more access. The feeling of his tongue raking along my flesh makes my brain go fuzzy. His hand on my breast massages gently and rubs my nipple between his fingers. I turn to him and wrap my arms around him to kiss him. I realize his prosthetic is off and he is leaning against the wall for support. He bends down a little and takes my breast into his mouth, my fingers wrapping in his silky strands and holding his head in place as he takes me into his mouth. His fingers find my folds and I moan a little too loudly. He jerks back and gives me a look of concern.

“Are you ok?” This is Peeta. Always caring about others, never once putting himself first. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that I love him.

“Just...really sensitive. And a little sore,” I admit, almost ashamed. His brow furrows and he leans forward to kiss me.

“Let me help,” I watch as he sinks to his knee and braces himself with his hands. Looking up at me, he leans forward to kiss my stomach and he smiles when it flinches. He gently lifts my leg and drapes it over his shoulder so that he can get closer. I watch his fair head move between my thighs and I cry out when his tongue touches my center. He is gentle, moving his tongue up in strokes that make me want to scream his name again and again. He hesitates, then inserts his finger and curves. He looks up at me to make sure I am still ok and I bite my lip as I gaze down at him. His hands rest on my hips as he pulls me into him, his tongue thrusting in and out at a faster pace. I grab his hair and throw my head back against the tile. Shit that hurt but I barely notice the pain in my head. 

“Katniss?” I hear the concern in his voice and I know it must have sounded pretty bad but I shake my head.

“Don’t stop,” I pant and he continues his work. He reaches up and kneads my breast while his tongue brings me to the brink of insanity. I scream his name as I collapse forward, Peeta catching me in his strong arms. He struggles to stand back up and I help pull him to his feet, yanking his hair to bring him in for a kiss. He smiles against my lips and my hands roam his perfect body. His hands are on my breasts again, then he is turning me to face the wall. My cheek presses against the cold tile and I feel him grip the bar in front of me. He lifts my leg again and grips himself while he rubs against me. I can’t stand the teasing and I reach between us to grasp him and bring him into me.

“Hang on,” he murmurs in my hair. I protest but turn to see him lean over the tub and pull his clothing toward him. He grabs a small package and tears it with his teeth. My brow goes high to my hair as I smirk up at him.

“You planned this, didn’t you?” He glances up at me as he fits the condom over himself.

“I hoped for it,” he whispers, blushing a little. He gently turns me back to face the wall and I feel his lips on my back. I feel him pressing against my backside and I reach down to grasp him, bringing him into me. Despite what I said about being sore, I feel an emptiness there that only Peeta can fill. It’s only uncomfortable for a moment when he first enters, but then he is thrusting and hitting that spot that destroys me. I press back into him and reach around, cupping his buttocks as I pull him deeper into me. We can’t get close enough. I literally try to absorb Peeta into me. He grunts as he slams into me, though he pulls out a moment later and I can tell he is struggling.

“Damn leg,” he mutters. I waste no time in helping him sit on the side of the tub and I lower myself on top of him, keeping my back to him. He gasps when we are together again and I ride him fiercely. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes my breasts while I reach around and clutch at his hair. I feel his lips press against my back and then he lightly bites my shoulder.

“Oh god, Katniss.” I grab his hand and bring it from my breast to my center, helping his fingers find that spot. They immediately do and he rubs violent circles as he thrusts up into me. I start to shake and feel that now-familiar feeling of completion.

“Shit, Katniss, I’m gonna--“ as I start to come down from my high, I feel him seizing up underneath me and I try to jump to my feet. As soon as I am off, he grabs himself and tugs upwards, throwing his head back. I can’t help but smile when he moans my name and he leans against the wall, panting heavily. I too relax against the cold tile and close my eyes for a moment. 

“God that was amazing,” I hear him say. I open my eyes and find his gazing at me. 

“It was,” I agree. “Now I need to wash my hair before all the hot water runs out.” He pulls off the condom and disposes of it before he pulls me toward him and motions for me to sit down. I sit with my back to him and feel him pour something onto my hair, and his fingers are massaging my scalp. I almost tilt my head back, it feels so good, and I hear him laugh.

“I can’t wash it if you do that.” I merely grunt and straighten my head and enjoy the feel of his fingers working their way through my hair. 

“Ok, go ahead and rinse.” I move underneath the water, which is getting quite cold, and quickly rinse the shampoo from my hair. I smell the vanilla that I always associate with Peeta and smile. I turn to him and see him still sitting.

“Turn around,” I say gently. He does and I proceed to wash and rinse his hair as well. He lets out an indignant cry when the cold water hits him and he glares up at me. I can only grin.

“Your fault, you let the water get cold.”

“My fault?” he cries crossly. “I wasn’t alone, you know.” I grin and lean forward to kiss him, silencing his protests and cheeky comments. By now the water is icy and I shiver a little as I turn it off. I turn back to face him, feeling a little frown cross my face at something he said earlier.

“Peeta…what did you mean you hoped for this to happen?” He frowns at my question and looks at me like I’m an idiot.

“Um…I wanted to do it again. And hoped you would want it too.”

“But you didn’t think I would?”

“Katniss--“

“Did you think that was a one-time thing?” He sighs and closes his eyes.

“I don’t know, Katniss. I didn’t know if you regretted last night. We didn’t get the chance to talk about it, you were gone when I woke up, and I don’t know, it brought back memories from the Train and the Cave and….I just didn’t know,” he finishes dejectedly. I sigh and take his hands. He’s avoiding my eyes and I lean into him, trying to get him to look up.

“I love you,” I tell him firmly. “And I loved every minute of last night. And every minute of this morning. So no, Peeta, I don’t regret any of it. And I hope one day you will be able to forgive me for hurting you in the past.”

“I have forgiven you, Katniss, it’s just--“

“The hijacking.” He looks up at me for a second and then back down. I sigh and wrap my arms around myself, the warmth from just a few minutes ago leaving me. I hate how the mood can shift so suddenly between us. I’m reminded again why I never wanted to fall in love. Too many damn emotions involved. But this isn’t his fault. I hurt him so much before and then the Capitol was able to use that and magnify it by tenfold. It’s my fault what they’ve done to him, not his. 

“Can you stand?” He looks up at me quickly then shakes his head slowly. 

“I may need some help,” he says, bowing his head. I reach for the towels and dry myself off a bit before I hook my arm underneath his and pull him to his feet. He winces as he struggles back to his room, leaning on me for support. I hand him the towel before I run back to the bathroom and bring back his leg. He is sitting on the side of the bed, shaking his head. 

“What’s the matter?” 

“I feel like an invalid most of the time. You’re just stuck taking care of me.” I frown down at him. Damn Snow to hell. Damn the Capitol. Damn the world for breaking this perfect man in front of me. 

“We protect each other because that’s what we do,” I remind him. “You’re not an invalid and I’m not always taking care of you. Sometimes you take care of me. Why is this bothering you now?”

“Because I’ve always done it alone. I shower alone, I sleep alone, I rub the salve into my leg at night because I’m alone. If I have trouble getting from place to place, I figure it out because I have to. I’m not used to letting another person share in my private life,” he said quietly. I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder. I don’t have Peeta’s talent with words so I can’t find anything to say to soothe him. He turns to me and his hand goes to the back of my neck, pulling me in for a kiss. I don’t even notice that we are still naked. He breaks the kiss fairly quickly and rests his forehead against mine.

“I guess I am just going to have to get used to depending on someone,” he says with a sigh. I cup his chin and force him to look at me.

“We can depend on each other. You’re mine and I’m yours. We’ll get through, together.” He smiles and kisses me again. I turn away to dry off and find something to wear. Glancing out the window, I can’t believe the day is very nearly done. Not that we have important jobs to do or anything but I haven’t spent a whole day inside since before Peeta returned. I turn back to him to find him dressed and pulling on the prosthetic. He pulls me in to kiss me again and starts when he hears my stomach emit a low growl. 

“I’m starving,” I announce and he laughs quietly. Grasping hands, we descend the stairs and Peeta searches the cabinets to find something to make. We briefly mention if we should invite Johanna but then decide it’s too late. Now that I think about it, she was probably the one who was calling. Some friends we are, staying in bed and forgetting about our friend who is visiting. But then when I catch glimpse of Peeta’s toned muscles, I decide I really don’t care.

The deer I stripped and brought with me will make a good meal with some of the greens and bread Peeta has. We immediately start getting dinner ready and I finish with the meat rather quickly. Peeta has laid out the dough on the counter and starts to knead it with his knuckles. I watch, fascinated, remembering how those hands had covered my body, had made me writhe and scream. But I really want to feel him…without the condom. All of him. Maybe I’ll see about a birth control pill. I know they have started to allow the Districts to have them, now that the Capitol doesn’t control everything. They had given me a shot in the Capitol but I don’t know how long it lasts. 

He notices me watching him and he pauses.

“What is it?”

“Oh I’m just watching you be a baker.” He laughs and pulls me toward him.

“Want to help?” 

“Ok,” I say uncertainly. I’m not sure if I’d make a good baker but he positions me in front of him and guides my hands. I feel his hot breath on my neck and the feel of his hands on mine make me go weak in the knees. He shows me how to knead the dough with my fingers and he compliments me quietly. Then he shows me how to roll out the bread and help it take shape. When we finish, he goes to put it in the oven and turns back to me.

“You’re a good student.”

“You’re a good teacher,” I reply with a smile, which makes his smile widen. “I’ll go out and pick some more greens for a salad.”   
We’re lucky because there are a lot of greens growing nearby and even a little garden that a couple of the older ladies decided to start when we started to rebuild the District. I rifle through the garden, and stop when I come to a whole patch of dandelions. My heart starts to race and I finally understand the connection. Glancing back at the house, I gather some dandelions in the bowl and head back inside. 

Peeta looks up from the paper when I come back in and he stands to greet me.

“Anything surviving this chilly weather?”

“A lot actually. And look, we have more than enough of these.” He peers in and frowns.

“Dandelions? We can eat dandelions?”

“Oh yeah, they’re very good for you. And you can eat the whole thing. The flowers are actually my favorite part.” I show him how to break apart the pieces of the flower and we have a salad made in the center of the table. I watch him go and check on the bread and I lean against the table. When he turns back to me, I have a smile on my face. He smiles back.

“What?”

“Do you want to know what I was talking about when I told Gale I needed the dandelion?” He moves toward me, looking curious, and takes me by the waist.

“Yes,” he breathes into my ear. 

“Well, after you tossed me that bread, I ran home to Mother and Prim and we ate better than we had in a long time. The next day when I saw you, I wanted to thank you, but…well, I saw the bruises on your cheek and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to speak to you. But I saw a field of dandelions and ran home and grabbed Prim and a bowl and we gathered as many as we could. From that moment I knew we would be alright. That I could feed my family and that we would survive against all odds. After that, my mother even started to come back to us and we all sort of just started to rebuild our lives again,” I pause to breathe, afraid the tears would come again. “The dandelion symbolizes hope and new life. You are that dandelion, Peeta. You gave me a new chance at life, the hope and will to go on. You’re my promise of tomorrow and I have always associated you with that dandelion.”   
His eyes are glistening with tears and I kiss them away from his cheeks. He draws a sharp breath and caresses my face.

“I love you,” he says simply. He doesn’t need to say anything else. It’s all I need to hear.

“And I love you,” I respond. It’s enough. I can finally say those words that he has needed to hear, for so long. I squeeze his hand and move to set the table but he stops me and brings his lips to mine. The kiss is so soft, so gentle, reminding me of the petals of a flower. He leans his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. I hold him close for just a moment before we break away. I set the table while he gets the bread from the oven. We eat our meal with little talk, then we clean up, and settle in the living room for a bit. We work on our Plant book that we have been working on for the longest time and several hours later, Peeta glances at the clock and announces we should probably get some sleep, and make plans to call Johanna’s hotel in the morning. He makes sure everything is tidied up in the kitchen and I wait for him on the stairs. As we walk back up, I squeeze his hand.

“Have you ever thought of re-opening the bakery?” He pauses and I worry that I’ve said the wrong thing. It may be too soon. His family did die in the Bakery. Way to go, Katniss. But he turns to me on the landing and his eyes are wide.

“I was actually going to talk to you about that…but I wasn’t sure how to ask.” 

“Ask me what?”

“If you would help me re-open the Bakery.” I search his eyes and see his complete faith in me.

“I’m not sure how much help I would be…”

“You’d be an extra hand. You can help bake and help with the register. Help me with the books. Mostly I need you for support. I know I can’t do it alone.” I lean in and kiss him and feel him trembling.

“You’re never alone. I’m here and of course I’ll help you.” He looks as happy as he did when I told him I love him. He pulls me in for a kiss and refuses to let go. 

“Katniss, thank you. You have no idea what this means to me.” Grasping hands, we head back into the bedroom and quietly change for bed. It seems somewhat strange and yet, almost normal, the way we get ready for bed together. We change, brush our teeth, I brush my hair out, he massages salve into his leg when he has detached the prosthetic, and we pull the blankets back and climb into bed. I resume my usual place in the crook of his arm and I lay my face against his chest, breathing him in. His hands play with my hair for a moment before they pause. 

“Katniss?”

“Mm?” But he doesn’t continue and his hand falls away. I glance up at him and see him chewing on his tongue. I reach up and stroke his cheek.

“Peeta, what is it?” 

“Katniss, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you and…well, I wasn’t sure if this was a good time but I mean…I feel like, with how perfect today was, I can ask…  
but I don’t want you to get…upset and if you don’t want to, I completely understand--“

“Peeta,” I say patiently, utterly confused. “What is it?” 

I hear the hesitation and seriousness in his voice so I rise up off him and lean back a little. He can’t seem to meet my eyes and my heart starts to race. What could be wrong now? I force myself to calm down and listen to what he has to say. He seems to be searching for words, which only make my worry grow because Peeta never struggles with words. 

“I feel like I look forward to nighttime the most. Because it’s my time with you. I know sleeping in your arms have made the nights more bearable and keep the terrible visions away. But I don’t just want you at nighttime. I want to wake up to your face beside me, I want to come home and find you fixing up the animals you shoot, I want to bake you cheese buns for dinner every night. We already practically live together but…Katniss, would you consider moving in with me?” I’m not sure why he’s so nervous. As he said, we practically live together anyway. I manage a smile and brush the hair out of his eyes. He waits with baited breath. 

“You’re more nervous than a schoolboy,” I tease, “and you don’t need to be. Of course I’ll move in with you.” The smile that crosses his face is one I haven’t seen since before the games. It lights up his entire face, makes him become the innocent Baker’s son who had not been Reaped for two games, but lives a quiet, happy life with no night terrors and no broken past. His hands go to my cheeks and he pulls me in for a kiss. I can’t help but wonder if he knows. If he knows how much I hate that house now, how I can’t even enter Prim’s room since her death. I dread being there alone because the ghosts of the past always crawl out of the walls at night and fill my mind. I wrap my arms around his neck and respond to his kisses. He pulls back, breathless, his cheeks slightly pink and he gives me a broad smile.

“I’m really happy right now.”

“Really? I can’t tell,” I continue to tease him. His eyes narrow and he pulls me closer, finally settling down to go to sleep. 

“Well I couldn’t think of any other way to get my blankets and pillows back from you.” I jerk back only to see him drifting off to sleep with a peaceful, teasing smile around his mouth. Shaking my head, I kiss him gently on the lips before I lay my head on his chest and fall right to sleep. 

 

Peeta wakes me up with gentle kisses and I stretch and smile, realizing this is my future. I had just agreed to move in with him and help him with his bakery. I still don’t know what to call him-- my boyfriend? My lover? No, he’s still my boy with the bread. He lays on his side, one hand propping his head up while his other hand stroked my cheek.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.” 

“I was thinking of us. How far we have come. How wonderful everything is right now.” He returns my smile and leans in to kiss me. I love the way his lips meld to mine. I eagerly swallow his kisses, reaching up to grasp his curls. His hair is one of my favorite things about him and it is getting quite long now. He breaks the kiss and runs his fingertips across my lips.

“Are you going to the woods today?”

“Probably. Why?”

“I was going to go to town to talk to the Mayor about reopening the Bakery. I was hoping you would join me.” 

The thought that Peeta was serious about this thrilled me. It showed me more than ever that he was starting to get better. That our lives really could be better. I leaned up and wrapped my arms around his neck, leaning my forehead against his. I’m not good with words. That’s Peeta who has the golden tongue. So I have to show my emotions through my actions and right now, all I can do is lean in and give him the most passionate kiss that I can muster. When I pull away, we are both breathless and his eyes are closed.

“On second thought,” he whispers and I grin.

“No, I didn’t mean to distract you. Let’s go into town.” With a quick kiss, I gently push him off me and bound to the closet to get dressed. I hear the familiar thump as he is reattaching his leg, then he limps to the closet. I quickly pick out an outfit and hurry into the bathroom, leaving him to dress. When he comes down, he phones the hotel and Johanna invites us to have breakfast with her.  
When we’re both ready, we open the front door and see Haymitch sitting on the porch, surrounded by his geese. He squints at us and lifts his flask.

“Where are you two off to?”

“We’re going to town. Breakfast with Johanna and Peeta wants to talk to the Mayor about rebuilding the Bakery.” Haymitch’s eyes widen. I know he’s surprised by this too. Though Peeta has been doing remarkably better, he still has slight flashbacks and I know that worries our mentor.

“That’s great, kid. I’ve been dying for some fresh bread.”

“I bake you bread every morning,” Peeta scoffs and I reach down to squeeze his hand. Haymitch’s eyes flick downwards at our joined hands and he grunts.

“Have fun in town.” 

“Have fun with your geese,” Peeta responds, his eyes sparkling. Haymitch lifts his flask again and Peeta pulls me toward the road. 

I have to admit, I like the safety of Victor’s Village. It’s a little ways from town and we don’t see a lot of the reconstruction. I pass the meadow on my way to the woods but I keep my eyes straight ahead. I don’t want to see the ruins of our district. I really don’t want to see all the wagons carting around bodies. Even months after the war is over, they are still cleaning up the remains of our neighbors. Thom told me they never found Peeta’s family. Which means they are still inside the bakery. I shudder as I think about those ghosts coming to haunt Peeta while he is working, how they could send him reeling into a flashback. Peeta senses my shiver and he brings my hand to his lips, kissing my fingers. I relax and lean into him and his arm goes around my shoulder. Here’s the place I feel safest. In his strong arms. I allow him to hold me as we make our way into town. Peeta is looking from side to side, his eyes wide as he takes it all in but me, I continue to stare straight ahead. I hear people call out to us, call our names and Peeta waves but I don’t acknowledge them. Let Peeta be kind enough for the both of us; he always has been. I try to bury myself into his side and his arms hold me steady. 

“It will be ok, Katniss,” he murmurs close to my ear. “We have each other. Everything’s ok.” As a natural pessimist, I can only think of something going wrong, when we are in our happiest time. But I trust my boy with the bread. I trust his optimism and his love.   
When we reach town, I’m a little surprised to see a hotel here. Who would come visit 12 anyway? But it seems to be doing nicely and the woman at the front desk smiles and asks us how she can help us. Johanna is waiting for us in the little café off to the side of the hotel. She hugs us both before we sit down. Once we’ve sat, she raises her brow and looks us both up and down.

“Well damn. No wonder I didn’t hear from you two yesterday.”

“W-what? Why do you say that,” Peeta stammers, starting to blush. I frown. What’s going on?

“Peeta, if I thought that after-sex glow looks great on you, it’s nothing next to the one I see on Katniss. Congratulations you two! Welcome to the club!” My jaw drops and Peeta looks like he’s going to faint.

“What are you talking about?” I try to play dumb. I should know that I can’t do it with Jo. She knows us too well. And I guess she knows this…after-sex glow, as she calls it. She just snorts and shakes her head.

“You guys want to pretend it didn’t happen? Because I say it’s about time!”

“Johanna,” Peeta mutters, lowering his head. 

“Ok, Ok. It’s your lives. I’m just happy for you is all.” 

“Thanks Jo,” I say quietly, squeezing her hand once. I’m embarrassed, it’s true. But her support means the world. She really is one of my best friends. As crazy as she may be. 

We spend the rest of the morning catching up and talking about what’s next for all of us. Unfortunately this isn’t a great topic since none of us really know what the hell to do with ourselves, besides try to live again. We avoid the topic of the reconstruction of Panem too. After all that we have been through, we’re happy to see that Panem has changed. But we don’t want to think about the sacrifices that have been made. When Johanna tells us to get going (she was so excited to hear about Peeta’s idea for the bakery), we give her a hug and promise to stay in touch. I’m sad that she’s leaving already but I’m happy that she’s found someone to be happy with. She promises that she will bring George for a visit and then sends us on our way. 

Soon we are in front of the Justice Building and I freeze in place. He glances at me and I take in a sharp breath.

“Peeta. Our lives were changed here.” Surely he is seeing the Reaping too. Remembering his name being called.   
Remembering that feeling of dread, like our lives were completely over. I can’t help it. I fall to my knees, sick to my stomach. 

 

 

please review!! thanks! :)


	13. Chapter 13

The good thing about being cooped up in the house with Katniss is that I haven’t actually seen the reconstruction of the District. There was so much destruction but they have rebuilt it into something even more amazing. Still, I feel Katniss’s heart race as we walk through town and I know she’s thinking of the sacrifices that were made. We all lost something. We lost a lot, actually. I feel like I have never had the chance to properly mourn my family. I remember them telling me, back in 13, but everything was so mixed up and I had even lost myself during that time. I guess I sort of grieved in the Capitol, when Aurelius was caring for me. But still, I was thinking of Katniss and how I would react to seeing her again. I’m not sure if I have actually mourned properly. 

Some son I am. Some brother. I don’t deserve this second chance that I’ve been given. 

I feel Katniss stop next to me and I look over at her. She’s staring at the Justice Building, her eyes wide and her face pale.

“Peeta,” her voice is quiet. “Our lives were changed here.” I turn back to the building and suddenly I am seeing that day.   
Waiting between my brother and my best friend. We watched as Effie Trinkett’s hand dove into the bowl and I tensed as I waited to hear which of my neighbors I would watch die.

“Primrose Everdeen.” My heart fell. My god, not her. Not that sweet little girl. But it was better than…

“I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute!”

If I thought my heart had stopped beating at Prim’s name, it definitely stopped now as I watched her run forward, her beautiful dark hair coming undone from its intricate braid. Her eyes fierce and determined, her olive skin pale and twitching. Please God no. Don’t take her. Do not take Katniss Everdeen from this earth.   
Katniss was lead up onto the stage and I saw tears streaming down her cheeks. Effie hurried to the other bowl and all of the boys around me tensed up, hardly breathing.

“Peeta Mellark.”   
I barely heard it, I was so focused on Katniss. But my best friend gave me a little nudge and my head snapped up. For a moment, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move. I merely stared around at everyone around me. Everyone who has escaped this cruel fate. My brother’s eyes fell on me and I saw his mouth tighten. My father, standing beside him, had tears in his eyes. They already knew I was a goner. Not because I was weak but because they knew I would give my life for my District partner.

I climbed the steps and stood next to Effie. She told us to shake hands and we turned to face each other. Her eyes bore into mine as our hands touched. I know she was imagining my death while I was thinking of ways I could keep her safe in the arena. I had saved her life once, when we were young. I would gladly do it again. And I would die doing it.

I see Katniss moving out of the corner of my eye and it brings me back to the present. She falls to her knees and starts to heave. I fall down beside her, my arms going around her and holding her close. She’s hyperventilating and I’m scared that she will make herself even sicker.

“Easy, easy Katniss,” I whisper soothingly. We are starting to get some odd stares and I try to pull her to her feet. “Come on, let’s get inside.” She allows herself to be steered into the building and I close the door tightly behind us, letting out a deep sigh of relief. I turn back to her and pull her into my arms, my hand soothingly rubbing her hair. 

“It’s over, Katniss. The Games are over. There are no more Reapings, not ever. We did that. We made the world a safer place.” 

“Peeta,” she sobs into my shirt. “I just wanted to keep her safe. I just wanted to take her place. Why…why am I still alive when my little sister is not?” I force myself to stay in this moment with her and not leave. Her words are killing me slowly, the pain in her voice like a knife twisting in my heart. I pull her away and my hands go to her face, forcing her to look at me.

“We can never know why, Katniss. We can just be thankful that we are still alive and that we have a second chance. They wouldn’t want us to waste it with grief and questions. They’d want us to enjoy it, with each other. To use our time wisely, to make it all worthwhile.” My thumb gently wipes at her tears and I kiss her cheek, tasting her salty skin. She lets out a shuddering breath beneath me and I pull her close again. 

“She’s been watching over you, Katniss,” I whisper in her hair. “She knows I would die without you. She’s been keeping you safe, for me. She loves you like I love you.” 

“I love you Peeta,” her voice is muffled and she continues to shake against me. “I do. But I don’t deserve this second chance. I feel like I am living her life. She was supposed to survive, not me.”

“It’s not up to us to decide who survives and who gets second chances. That power is not given to us. And she wouldn’t want you to think that way either. She would want you to be happy and to do what makes you happy.”

“How do you know what she would want,” she snaps and I pull away from her again, fixing her with a hard stare.

“Because your sister was heavily involved in my treatment and recovery in 13. She was the one who convinced me how much you care for me. She didn’t make you out like a saint, as Delly did, but she told me the truth and helped me come back to you. And when Coin decided to send me to the squad, your sister took me aside and made me promise to take care of you. ‘Protect my sister with your life, Peeta, and little pieces of you will find their way back. Your love for her is still strong, you just have to find it again.’ And she was right of course. Now I’m going to keep my promise to her and take care of you.” She’s shaking even worse and I bite my lip. I don’t know if it was a good idea to bring up Prim’s words; Katniss has barely even said her name. But her hand finds mine and squeezes it and I squeeze back.

“I think it’s too soon for me to be in town,” she chokes out.

“When, then, Katniss? We’ll never really be ready. But we can’t stay locked up in Victor’s Village forever. Our district is rebuilding itself. We should be a part of that, we should be rebuilding ourselves with it.” She doesn’t say anything but her grey eyes seem to glow. I gently kiss her forehead and tug her with me. The Justice Building is now composed of various offices and I pause in front of a desk, when a cheery face looks up and lets out a squeal. She runs around the desk and nearly jumps into my arms.

“Peeta! My goodness, look at you! You look wonderful!” She turns to Katniss and looks like she is going to cry.

“And Katniss! You look so great!! How have you been?”

“We’ve been good, Delly,” I say with a smile as Katniss clamps her mouth shut. 

“I’d heard you returned to the District but I haven’t seen either of you around town. I wanted to stop by, I just…I just didn’t know…”

“It’s ok, Delly. We haven’t really left Victor’s Village until now. Katniss goes hunting but I stay in my kitchen mostly. We’re healing though. Together.” I see Delly’s eyes flick downwards my hand in Katniss’s and she looks back up at me, her smile widening.

“Everyone has been asking if you two are back together! Are you looking for the Justice of the Peace? He is the one who deals with all the official marriage papers.” I feel Katniss gasp beside me and I squeeze her hand before I shake my head.

“We’re not getting married, Del.”

“But…I thought--” 

“It was a lie I told to the Capitol to protect Katniss. We were never married,” I say quickly, feeling Katniss’s hand grow tighter. 

“Well, now that you’re back, nothing’s stopping you, right?” she says cheerfully. Katniss breaks away and I look quickly to see her hurrying away. Delly’s face falls and she bites her lip.

“Peeta, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean--“

“It’s ok, Del. We’re just…we’re just being careful. We’re taking everything slowly.” She nods in understanding and I strain to see where Katniss has run off to.

“Excuse me a minute,” I say quickly and she nods in understanding. I catch up with Katniss at the end of the hall and take her hands in mine. Surprisingly, she doesn’t pull away.

“Katniss, it’s ok--“

“No. No it isn’t. I knew this would happen. They just want to see the star-crossed lovers, in the spotlight again!”

“That’s not true,” I protest. “Delly is our friend. She saw…how we were in 13. She just wants to see us happy.” 

“I don’t want to get married, Peeta. Ever.” Her words take me by surprise and I take a step back. 

“I can understand if you feel like that now, but--“

“No. Ever!” I sigh. No one can reason with her when she’s in this state and I don’t feel like trying. She’s dropped our hands and she has her arms crossed over her chest. I run my fingers through my hair, frustrated and at loss at what to do. I continue to watch her and she shakes her head.

“I should just…go back home. What am I even doing here?”

“I asked you to come with me,” I say hotly, feeling my temper rise. “You said you would help me. Because you love me. You know I need you.” 

“Peeta, you don’t need me. You need someone who is whole and beautiful and is willing to give you everything she possibly can. I don’t have much to give. I’m too broken.” 

“Stop it,” I say sharply, cutting off her painful words. “Stop it right now. I don’t want to hear anymore.” I approach her and notice she is trembling. No doubt she’s imagining me wrapping my hands around her neck. I reach out and she winces. Ok, so that one hurts. A lot. But now I am so past frustrated with this girl that I have to take deep calming breaths before I speak again. I back her up against the wall and grip her shoulders.

“I’ll say this once. I don’t want anyone else. I never have. You’re IT for me, don’t you understand that? I cannot, and will not, survive without you. You don’t want to get married, that’s fine. As long as I can wake up beside you and come home to you at night, that’s all that matters. You don’t need to take my last name for me to know that you love me. We don’t need a toasting or official documents. We don’t need to get married for me to call you mine.” My voice is low and sharp. I make sure she hears every word, as her eyes bore into mine. My hands relax on her arms and move down to take her hands again. 

“Come on. We need to find the mayor.” I tug her along with me, not really giving her a choice. She’s silent as we make our way back down the hall and Delly looks up tentatively.

“Delly, can you point us in the direction of the Mayor’s office? We’re here to inquire about re-opening the Bakery.”

“Of course Peeta. Just one moment.” She presses a button on the intercom and leans in to speak to it.

“Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen are here to see you.”

“Show them in.” Delly stands and gestures for us to follow her. We walk along the hallway and she stops in front of the last door on the left.

“Go right in,” she says with a nervous smile. I thank her and open the door. I squeeze Katniss’s hand and she squeezes back, letting me know she hasn’t left me. That she won’t leave me.

The new Mayor is a younger gentleman with a kind face and grey eyes. He rises and smiles at us.

“Good morning, Mr. Mellark. Ms. Everdeen.” 

“Good morning,” I nod as I shake his hand. 

“Please have a seat.” We take our seats across from him and I notice pictures on his desk. Suddenly, I recognize him.

“You’re Thom’s brother.” He smiles and I wonder how I missed that smile.

“That I am. It’s a pleasure to see you again, Mr. Mellark.” I remember when he and his brothers had come around town with their father, fixing up Merchant houses. He was one of the Seam men everyone trusted and liked. Merchants hadn’t done a whole lot of business with people from the Seam but we all liked and respected the whole family. I even remember this boy, Brent, working on our house and I snuck him a loaf of bread to thank him. They were all miners, of course, but they liked to prove they could do other work. His Seam eyes gleam as he takes us in.

“Katniss, you are looking excellent.”

“Thank you, Brent,” she says quietly, her eyes meeting his. His smile widens.

“It’s been a long time.”

“The Reaping, wasn’t it? I never saw you in 13.”

“My mother and father had sent me to District 8, to stay with an old friend. Thom got word to me about what had happened and I returned to 12 as soon as I could. People wanted Thom to become Mayor, but he turned it down so they offered it to me. Thom would have been better,” he adds with a laugh. 

“I’m sure you’ve been doing a wonderful job,” Katniss says softly. 

“Spoken to Gale?” I suck in a breath and I feel her tense beside me. Brent looks disappointed. Of course they would be friends. Gale worked in the mines like every other Seam boy his age and I figure that’s how Katniss knows him so well. But it does leave me feeling quite awkward. I’d always hated how the District was segregated. Merchants thought themselves better than those from the Seam and it was a segregation I could never understand. I’m glad to see that a boy from the Seam is in power. Perhaps this new District 12 will be different than the one we’ve known our entire lives. 

“He stopped by but he didn’t stay long,” she says coolly. “He had to return to District 2. He has a job with the government there.” 

“Yeah, that’s what Thom told me. I know Hazelle misses him.” Katniss gave another little shrug and I clear my throat.

“Um, the reason we came in today is because I would like to talk to someone about reopening my family’s bakery.” 

“Wonderful. Let me get the papers on the property, give me one moment.” My hands rest on my knees as we wait and they start to shake. Katniss reaches over and takes my hand and I squeeze it gratefully. Brent reappears with a pile of papers and my brow furrows.

“What’s all this?”

“Your father’s legal documents with the land. When you won the Games, he went to the Mayor and asked for the land to be put in your name. You own all of the land that the Bakery stands on, plus two acres that he purchased in case you want to expand.” I feel my eyes grow wet as I look down at my father’s messy signature. Oh Dad. You were always taking care of me. How I wish you could be here with me, to show me what to do. Suddenly, I’m not so sure if I’m worthy enough to carry on his legacy.   
It’s a mark of how well Katniss knows me, how she really is my support system, when she brings my hand to her lips and places gentle kisses on my knuckles.

“Do we need to sign anything to make it official,” I hear her say. My heart speeds up at the word ‘we’. Brent nods.

“I just need your signature here, below your father’s, acknowledging the transfer of ownership. I think the next question is, would you like to try to rebuild the building? Or tear it down and build a new one?” I bite my lip. I feel like I have left my body and I am floating in the air, staring down at myself. But Katniss steps in again and brings me back.

“We’ll need some time before we can make that decision. Peeta, go ahead and sign and we can go home to discuss it.” I nod shakily and take the pen she is handing me. I don’t know how but I manage to scrawl out my signature and Brent nods. 

“Congratulations, Mr. Mellark. I know Thom has been in charge of a lot of the rebuilding. I’m sure he will assist you with the construction and the plans.” Katniss stands and pulls me to my feet.

“Thank you for your help, Brent. We will be in touch.”

“Have a great day, Katniss. Do call me if there is anything I can do to help.” She nods and is now pulling me toward the door. I try to manage a shaky ‘thank you’ but it sounds like gurgling. 

Katniss is now the one leading me home, wrapping her arms around me and protecting me from the stares that people are giving us. I don’t even notice that we are home until she has lead me inside and sits me down at the table. She pours me a glass of water and sits beside me.

“Peeta,” she says gently. I look over at her and my eyes become glassy. She doesn’t hesitate in pulling me into her arms and holding my shaking body next to hers. I break down completely. I am a mess and become a sobbing child rather than a grown man. It’s strange, that I am usually the one who holds her together but now she is the one who is giving me comfort. I love this woman. Without a doubt, I would die without her by my side. So I push aside my anger that I am the mess this time, and focus on the feel of her arms around me.


	14. Chapter 14

I hold him close as he continues to shake and cry. My shirt is soaked from his tears and I don’t care. I just continue to hold him, my hand rubbing his bath soothingly. I whisper loving words into his ear. I tell him how strong he is, how much I need him, how wonderful he is. I knew from the moment that Brent brought out the documents that Peeta was not ok. He may think he is ready for this, and maybe he is, but I know we will have to suffer some setbacks first. This strong, gentle man who is always comforting me and holding me tight, really does need me to help him do this. Usually I would be so terrified at learning that I would run straight to my woods. But I have left Peeta alone for too long. I try to give him the comfort that I couldn’t give him in the Capitol. I try to pour my love into my embrace and try to soothe him with my words. He has lost so much, because of me. He doesn’t deserve any of this. If I could, I would rewind time and help him survive in the Arena. I would make sure to eat the berries before he realized what I was doing, and he would go home to 12 alone. He would be the sole Victor, he would have found a woman to dote on with his winnings, who could give him beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed children. He would mourn me but he would move on. He would become a Mentor, would work alongside Haymitch as he tried to bring the tributes from District 12 home. Perhaps he would think of me on occasion, remember the girl with the braids. 

But that would be it. He would be healthy. Whole. Complete. 

No. I remember his words to me in the Quell, when he was begging for me to go home without him. When we were planning on saving the other and he presented me with the locket, with my family’s and Gale’s faces. He told me if I died and he lived, he would have nothing. I don’t altogether believe that but I do believe him when he tells me he has always loved me. Why do I think that I am so replaceable in his eyes? Maybe in other people’s but not Peeta’s. He would not have been whole when he returned to 12. He may have turned to drink, as Haymitch did. Or become a morphling addict, like the District 6 tributes. He would have become bitter and angry, like Johanna once was. Who knows. The fact is, we survived together and now we have to continue to protect each other. I didn’t protect him when he was taken by the Capitol. I wasn’t there to keep him safe from their horrors. I’ll be there for him now. I’ll show him everyday how much I love him. He deserves so much better but for some strange reason, I’m what he wants. So who am I to deny him that? I denied him love and even friendship for too long. I hear Haymitch’s words echo in my head.   
You could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve that boy. I’ll probably hear those words for the rest of my life. And will always agree with them.

I pull him to his feet and lead him upstairs. When we reach his bedroom, I stop us in the center of the room and wrap my arms around his neck, simply staring at him. His face is red and confused but his arms go to my waist and simply hold me. My hands slide under his shirt and lift it over his head, and I run my hands down his strong chest, tracing the path of his scars. He watches my hands as they travel lower and lower and he sucks in a breath as my hands skirt over the front of his pants. I tear my hands away and pull my own shirt over my head. I reach down for his hands and bring them to my heaving breasts, my eyes never leaving his face. He glances at me quickly, then back down at my chest and his hands move tentatively over my bra. In one quick second, he has made up his mind as he tears the cloth down and his lips latch onto my nipple. I let out a loud moan as my hands tangle in his hair, holding him in place. He reaches behind me and unclasps my bra, tossing it to the side. He bends down and wraps his arms around me, his lips working at my breasts. When he breaks away, he looks me in the eyes and I give him a loving smile. I think I see tears start to form in those beautiful blue eyes of his so I gently push him back onto the bed and kneel before him. My hands quickly go to his belt and his zipper and I tug both his pants and his underwear down his legs. My eyes meet his and hold his gaze as I lower my mouth over him. He lets out a strangled cry and his head falls back onto the pillow. He was only half hard but he is coming alive under my touch and I have to admit, I love that I can do that. Soon he is completely hard and several inches bigger in my mouth. 

“Ka-Katniss,” he pants, his hands tangling in my hair. I let him guide me as he starts to buck his hips and I try to take him deeper without gagging. My hands run over his soft skin below his shaft and he jerks his hips against the bed.

“Fuck, Katniss, stop, I’m--“ he tries to tug me away but I am determined to finish him off just like this. I reach up and hold his hands down as I continue to suck until I feel him explode against my throat. It isn’t the most pleasurable thing in the world but the look on his flushed face is more than enough for me. I let him fall from my lips and lean back to study him as his body continues to jerk and he collapses on the bed. I lean down to kiss him and he is quick, flipping us over and capturing my body with his. He quickly has my pants and underwear flung to the side and his head is between my legs. I gasp and sit up, trying to keep my eyes open but his tongue is working at me furiously and he is gripping himself, coming alive again. His eyes meet mine and I bite my lip. His teeth brush against that bundle of nerves and I let out a scream as I toss my head back. Peeta jumps to his feet, runs to the drawer by his bed, and jumps onto the bed with me. He has the wrapper torn open and slides the condom on his hardness before he is thrusting into me. I don’t even have time to scream, he is taking me so hard and fast. He moves my legs over his shoulders as he increases his thrusts. His fingers find my clit again and he rubs in furious circles. I can’t even register what is happening, before I’m seeing stars. He moans my name as my climax milks him of his and he collapses on top of me, our heaving chests sticking together. I reach up and run my fingers through his damp hair.

“I love you,” I say softly but I know he hears me because I feel his smile against my skin. He rolls off me, disposes of the condom, and gathers me in his arms. 

“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you,” he says against my hair. 

“It’s me that doesn’t deserve you. I think you deserve so much more, Peeta, but for some strange reason that I won’t ever understand, you chose me.” He looks down at me and nods.

“Finally got that into your head, did you?” I smile and bring him down to kiss me. He lays his head on my chest and closes his eyes and I continue to hold him close, daring anyone to try to take him away from me again.


	15. Chapter 15

While Katniss sleeps in my arms, I’m wide awake. My heart is still hammering in my chest at our most recent bout of lovemaking. Her comfort and her love surround me and make me feel safe. I wish I could have had this sense of security back in the Capitol. Back then, I doubted her love for me even before the venom started its work. Before they started to pump lies and poison into me. All I had to think about was our kiss in the Quell and I would start to think she may have felt something for me after all.

I shake myself and blink heavily. Those times are over. I keep telling her to stay here in the present so I have to remind myself to do that too. But I need to get up and do something rather than just lie here and let these thoughts consume me. Very gently, I release Katniss and bring the blankets around her. She lets out a little sigh that causes a strand of hair to land on her cheek. I softly move it away and kiss her forehead before I gather my boxers and pants and quickly dress.   
I’m consumed with the thoughts of my family as I bake. I look over and see my two brothers in the corner by the oven. Dad comes through the door with his apron on and smudges of flour all over his cheeks. Mom comes down the stairs, wearing a look of disapproval, her eyes scrunched up in that eternal scowl. 

 

“Those Seam brats! Someone hand me a rolling pin. I’m going to make sure that girl doesn’t come anywhere near this house again!”

“Sweetheart, these are difficult times. You know many of the miners lost their lives in the explosion--“ Dad tries to pacify her but she shrugs him off, looking furious.

“Don’t defend them. They’re trash. All of them. You’re much too soft. And that stupid son of ours is following in your footsteps.” I glance up from the corner, hearing every word. My brother casts me a sympathetic look but I turn back to my work. I chance a look out the window and feel my heart stop. Katniss Everdeen is rifling through our trash and she looks closer to death than I have ever seen. Her rags are completely tattered and she looks like she will freeze to death any minute in that brutal rain that has refused to stop for three days at least. I glance at the oven and see two loaves of our raisin nut bread on the shelf. Moving quickly, I reach in and ignore the scorching heat that burns my hands. I knock the loaves down and they fall off the shelf and close to the fire. 

“Oops,” I say loudly and grab mitts to reach the burned loaves.

“You idiot,” I hear her shriek. “What can we do with burned bread? You are a waste of space, Peeta Mellark! Take them out and feed them to the pigs. And no dinner for you!” 

“Sweetheart, please--“ 

“He’s useless, Bran! Useless! And I won’t have uselessness in this shop, do you hear me Peeta?”

“I hear you, Mother,” I mutter as I lay the burned loaves on the counter. I got lucky. Only the edges of burned and the rest of it looks perfect. I glance out the window again and see that she has settled underneath the tree. She has her knees pressed against her chest and she seems to be crying into her arms. How much I wish I could go wrap my arms around her and comfort her. If I could, I would take my coats and blankets out to her too. But I know it would get us both in trouble. So I carry the bread outside and stand on our porch. I feel a sharp pain in my shoulder and turn to face my mother, who is brandishing her rolling pin at me.

“I don’t know why we ever kept you, Peeta. If it weren’t for your father, you would be living in the streets. With them!” My eyes fill with tears. I know she says hurtful things to me sometimes and she hits me often but I’ve never heard her say something this mean.

“You don’t mean that, Mom,” I plead. Her rolling pin hits me in the cheek and I stumble backwards.

“Get upstairs when you’re finished cleaning up. I don’t even want to look at you.” She waits for a moment so I tear off a burned piece of the bread and toss it into our pigsty. Satisfied, she goes back inside and I glance over at Katniss. Her head is raised and she is looking right at me. I turn back to see if Mom is gone, then back to Katniss. Our eyes meet and it kills me to see how cloudy her grey eyes have become. She looks thin and frail, weaker than I’d ever seen her. I bite my lip and look down at the loaves in my hands. Shooting one more glance over my shoulder, I toss the bread in her direction. Without waiting to see what she does, I hurry back inside and watch from the window. She doesn’t move for a moment. Come on Katniss, hurry up before someone sees! She glances from side to side, then slowly rises to her feet. She looks up at the Bakery one more time before she gathers the bread in her arms and takes off running toward the Seam. I smile, knowing I may have just kept her alive for at least another day. I don’t think Mom knows what I did but I still have to endure more of her rolling pin that night because we didn’t have enough bread to keep up with the demand. She made me stay in the Bakery after everyone had gone up to bed, with no dinner, to bake ten loaves for the morning rush. As I stayed up all night, all I could think of was Katniss’s haunted stare. 

 

As I feel arms wrap around me, small palms press against my chest and a warm cheek settles against my back, I’m brought back to the present. My hands cover hers and I turn back to face her, noticing that she is wearing nothing but one of my button up shirts. It looks huge on her and hangs off her slender frame. I grin as I reach out to grip her shoulders.

“You look gorgeous in my clothes.” She accepts my kiss and straightens up.

“Are you alright?”

“Do I not look alright?”

“I just mean…you seemed so…far away when I walked in. A flashback?”

“No, it was just…a memory I suppose. When I bake, I think of my family.” Her face softens and her hands reach up to grasp my cheeks.

“I’m here if you need me,” she whispers and I stroke her cheek with the back of my hand, moving her hair behind her ear.

“I always need you,” I whisper back before pulling her to me and claiming her mouth. Katniss and I have kissed many times in the past but it’s these kisses that remind me that she is really with me. That we’re not just pretending for cameras. That her heart actually does beat for me, just as mine has always done for her. Once when   
Snow visited me in my cell, he offered me a trade. My life for Katniss’s.   
The man obviously didn’t know me. And I think he figured that out pretty quickly. Still, I remember one of the nights after we had first been taken. Before the hijacking and the beatings, they were just starving us and trying to scare us. Annie and I shared a cell at that time and the guard yelled at us to wake up. When I’d lifted my head, I saw Snow smiling down at me. I refused to move. I wouldn’t even stand for this bastard.

“I’ve come with a proposition for you, Mr. Mellark.” I’d waited, not saying a word.

“You’ve been a thorn in my side what with your announcements about love and marriage and babies. You helped fuel the people and the revolution. But it’s your precious Katniss that has done the most damage. If you tell me where she is, I will spare you and let you leave here, unharmed. In fact, you and Miss Cresta here may return to District 4 together. All I need is information about the rebels. What are they planning to do? What is Miss Everdeen doing with them?” I’d stared up at him for the longest time. Hatred surged through me and I’d closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath.

“I vowed long ago that I would die for Katniss,” I’d said in a surprisingly calm voice. “Nothing has changed. You do what you want with me. But Katniss will be safe from your clutches and when the time comes, she will watch you burn in the fires she has stoked within Panem.” He stared down at me, his face unchanging. Then I felt pain in my ribs where his pointed Capitol shoe had lodged itself.

“You’ve just made a grave error, Mr. Mellark,” he sneered. “I’ll exterminate each and every one of you Victors and I’ll let you live the longest, so that you can be there to watch me destroy Katniss Everdeen. You will watch while I take her apart, piece by piece, starting with that pretty little sister of hers. Only when she is on her knees, begging for mercy, will I extinguish the girl on fire. And you will be there to witness her demise.” His words had left me in a sobbing mess and I’d heard his evil chuckle as he strode out. 

“Peeta?” I blink, shaking my head as I try to clear my thoughts. I feel her hands clutch my face and I open my eyes to see her stormy ones filled with concern.

“Peeta, come back to me. I need you, stay with me.”

“I’m here,” comes my determined voice. “I’m not leaving you.” 

“Don’t let him keep taking you from me,” she says as tears fill her eyes. My hands automatically go to her cheeks and I hold her as she is holding me. 

“He can’t. Not anymore. You protect me.”

“We protect each other,” she corrects me. I nod.

“We protect each other. I’m sorry I was just…remembering.” She shakes her head and wraps her arms around me. I hold her close to my chest and I feel her wet cheeks as she buries her face in my flesh. 

“Katniss?” 

“Mm?” I sigh and pull her away, as much as I just want to keep holding her. Something has been bothering me since this morning and despite the fact that she may get angry, I just need to ask.

Her eyes are wide and damp as they stare up at me.

“Why don’t you want to get married?” She sucks in a breath and takes a step back. I immediately regret it and reach out to hold her again.

“I’m sorry. Forget I even asked. It’s none of my business.”

“Would you quit being so damn good all the time,” she snaps and this time, it’s me that takes a step back in surprise. 

“Peeta, you were my fiancé. Of course it’s your business.”

“That was all pretend. It was all to keep our families safe. I don’t want to think about our time as Victors. I know you didn’t want to marry me.”

“I didn’t not want to marry you,” she says impatiently, “I just never wanted to get married in the first place! It wasn’t personal.” Suddenly, I’m angry. Not personal? HOW is that not personal? I told her that I didn’t need to be married to her to be with her but I can’t help but attach my name to hers and love how it sounds. I shake my head, trying to steady my breathing.

“You know what? Forget I ever said anything.” I turn to leave, before I say or do something I’ll regret, and I feel her small hand on my arm. I close my eyes.

“Let go, Katniss.”

“No! Not until you stop and hear me out.”

“I don’t…I said forget it, Katniss. We don’t need to do this.”

“Damn it Peeta, LOOK at me!” My eyes snap open at her tone and I see that her eyes are filled with fire. She hasn’t let go of my arm though. I breathe slowly and look her in the eyes. Her face softens and both of her hands clutch my wrists.

“It wasn’t about you, I swear it wasn’t. I never imagined myself married or even with someone. If I had to marry, I suppose I would have married Gale just because it made sense. I never saw him in that way. I never dated anyone or thought about doing those things that I heard girls whisper about. I just didn’t have the capacity for those thoughts. All I cared about was taking care of my sister. Providing for my family. I swore when I was little that I would never marry because…marriage means children. And I would never bring children into this world. Before, it was because of the threat of the Games. Watching them be Reaped…I couldn’t imagine. Now it’s because of what the Games did. I could never see myself as a mother because of how messed up I am. I couldn’t bring a child into this world and ask him or her to be ok with my…problems. When I suggested that we get married, to pacify Snow, Haymitch told me you didn’t want it like that. That you wanted it to be real. I still couldn’t understand because I couldn’t possibly comprehend the level of love you had for me. And I was figuring out my feelings towards you, while still thinking of protecting my sister. I know I love you now but I’m still terrified of marriage. Which is why, when I saw Delly today, I was about to tell you to go to her and to let me go.” My jaw drops at this confession and she can’t even look me in the eye. 

“She’s…she’s beautiful. And young. With no scars, not a blemish on her perfect Merchant body. She would be a wonderful mother…and all I saw, for a moment, was a bunch of blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids running around town, with you and her trailing after them. You deserve someone like her, Peeta. Not someone broken, like me.”

I seriously cannot listen to any more. Any more words like this and I might have a flashback. I take her hands in my own and pull her close. When she still refuses to look at me, I cup her chin and tilt her face upwards.

“I don’t want someone who is unmarked. I’m broken too, Katniss. We went through hell together, even before the rebellion. We understand each other. We comfort each other. We’ve always done everything together and I don’t want that to change. But…tell me the truth. Did you choose me…just because Gale left you here? I mean, was I your second choice?”

“You were never my second choice,” she says firmly and my heart leaps. “About a week after Haymitch and I had returned to 12, I received a letter from Gale, asking me to join him in District 2. He didn’t even have the decency to ask me to my face. Because he knew I still blamed him. But even more than that, he knew I would turn him down. Because I had to be here when you returned. I had to tell you, once and for all, that I loved you.”

“You didn’t even know if I would be coming back.” Her words are making my heart soar but I’m trying to keep my voice level. I don’t want to her to know the effect she is having on me but then again, she never does. 

“I knew,” she says simply with a small shrug. “If anyone can come back from that hell, it’s you. I knew that eventually you would return. I just had to wait for you to come back.” I don’t voice what I’m thinking. If she was waiting for me, why had she given up before I returned? Why was she so close to death when I showed up on her doorstep? Haymitch had said she had begged him and Sae to let her die. That doesn’t sound like a girl who said she would wait for me. 

Then again, Katniss has been through just as much as me, if not more. And she didn’t have months of therapy to help her through it. She was forced to return to District 12, to the ashes of our home and family and friends, where she had lived her life just trying to protect her sister. I miss my family everyday but Katniss and Prim seemed to be one entity sometimes. I can’t imagine the pain she went through when she found out her best friend could have been involved in her sister’s death. And who was there for her? Not her mother. Not her best friend. A drunken mentor who probably remained in his inebriated state so he wouldn’t have to feel the pain that Katniss was facing. 

So I think about her words. I’m not as offended as I was a few moments ago. She’s explained herself to me and I truly believe that she loves me. So no, I don’t need marriage to prove that. Am I hoping she will one day change her mind? Absolutely. But I won’t press the matter. For now, I reach out and pull her into my arms, my hand making soothing patterns on her back. 

“I’m sorry Peeta,” I hear her sigh. “I’m sorry that I can’t be everything that you deserve. I know I’m what you want…but I don’t think I’m what you need.” I pull her away, gripping her shoulders and capture her gaze again. I feel a flood of emotions coursing through me and I steady my breathing before I speak.

“For too many years, people told me what I needed. My mother, my father, my brothers, my teacher, my wrestling coach…they all thought they knew what was best for me. Being Reaped sort of gave me some independence in a way. It let me figure out for myself what it was that I needed. My wants and my needs weren’t always the same but most of the time, they were. And they didn’t match up to what everyone else was telling me. So I’m through with listening to other people when they say what they think I need. So you can stop presuming to know too, alright? I need you, Katniss. Like I need air. It’s that simple. You can believe me or not but I know I would not last a day without you in my life.” With a sob, she flings herself in my arms and cries into my chest. I can’t handle all the crying. It’s making me feel helpless, like I’ll never be able to make her smile again. So I do the only thing I can think of. I cup her chin and mold my lips over hers. She gasps against my mouth but I refuse to move. I feel her start to respond and I inch my tongue across her lips. When she parts her lips even more, my tongue meets hers and I feel my whole face start to heat up. My hands drift down to the buttons on her (my) shirt and I rip them open, hearing some of them ping against the floor. Who cares, I can buy new shirts. My hand caresses her breast and she moans into my mouth, making my jeans tighten even more. I sweep her up into my arms and carry her up the stairs to my room. I gently toss her onto the bed and hover over her, her wide eyes boring into mine.

“You know what I need right now, Katniss?” She smiles and I swear it lights up the room.

“I think I can guess,” she mutters as her fingers work at the button of my jeans. I fall over her and plan on spending the rest of the afternoon showing her exactly what I want AND need. 

 

I’m sitting on the edge of the bed in my boxers, my prosthetic tucked under me and my sketchpad on my knee. She’s still pink from our lovemaking and her dark hair is spread underneath her and I have to resist from running my fingers through it. Her chest moves up and down steadily as she snores lightly, one of her hands is tucked under her chin. She’s a vision and I’m suddenly feeling inspired. My eyes drink her in completely, afraid that when I look up she’ll be gone and I’ll discover this has all been some horrible dream. She lets out a little moan and my charcoal freezes on the paper, afraid of waking her, but she shifts a little and goes right back to sleep. The sheets have pulled down low and I see one of her breasts peeking out tantalizingly. One of her legs sticks out from the sheets and I can clearly see the pattern of scars, making their way up toward her thighs. She’ll never believe me but I think she’s even more beautiful now. I tear my eyes away and return to my sketch. I can’t possibly accurately depict the beauty before me but I can damn well try. As she moves again, her hand falls to her side and she breathes gently. Her arm is at an awkward angle and I know it will be sore if she keeps it that way. I gently take her wrist and reposition it on her stomach, so she won’t be uncomfortable. But when I take her wrist in my hand I notice something strange. There is a scar there that I have never noticed before. One that doesn’t belong with the others. My thumb softly traces across the thin line across her wrist and I feel my heart starting to race. My eyes fly to her face and I feel them searching the sleeping girl for some sort of explanation.   
Why had I never noticed this before? How could I not? I thought I had memorized every freckle and every scar. Why would I miss this one? She moans again and her hand twitches and I immediately withdraw my hand but my eyes are still drawn to that white line. I have the sudden need to hold her. To caress her so tightly that she will never want for anything, never feel a lack of love in her life, never doubt my need for her. I set the sketchpad aside and gather her in my arms, bringing her into my lap and rest her head on my chest. Drawn to the warmth, she nuzzles her cheek against my chest and I bring her wrist to my lips. I try to kiss that scar away. But of course it’s still there. Glowing brightly, mocking me. Reminding me that I wasn’t always there to protect her. I know I’ll have to ask her about it eventually. I need to know when. When she had lost so much hope, she wouldn’t think about how much it would affect the rest of us. How much it would destroy me to live without her.

Then again, I’ve always said Katniss has no idea of the effect she has on people. I feel like a broken record when I tell her that but it’s true. I guess there are some things in our lives that we can never believe. I still have a hard time believing she’s really here with me, of her own free will. Sometimes I expect to see cameras around Victor’s Village whenever she kisses me. I know that’s my hijacked brain talking but I was pretty insecure even before I was captured. It’s what she does to me.  
Her little moans bring me out of my thoughts and I glance down at her. She’s shaking her head and a frown has formed between her brow. I bend down and kiss that spot, smoothing out the frown line and she bites her lip.

“Please…no,” I hear her whisper. 

“Katniss?”

“Don’t! Don’t touch him! Peeta!” I squeeze my eyes shut, my heart tearing at her pain. My hand goes to her cheek and I gently shake her.

“Katniss, wake up. Not real. You’re just dreaming, it’s not real.”

“Peeta…don’t leave me. Please…please stop hurting him!”

“Katniss!” She’s started to writhe in my arms and I struggle to hang onto her.

“Stop it! Take me instead. Please, kill me instead!” 

I can’t take anymore. I’m drowning in her words and I have to save us both. I gently slap her cheek and her eyes fly open.

“Hey, it’s ok,” I say soothingly as soon as her eyes meet mine. “I’ve got you, you were just dreaming.”

“Oh my god Peeta,” she throws her arms around my neck and I hold her close. 

“Not real, Katniss. Not real,” I mutter. “You’re safe in my arms. I’ll never let you go.”

“They were killing you,” she sobs, “they were killing you in front of me and I…I couldn’t…Peeta, I begged them to take me instead!”

“Shhh, Katniss, calm down. I promise, you’ve been here with me this whole time. It was a nightmare. You’re safe. We’re safe.” She starts to relax against me and my arms tighten around her. I smooth back her hair and kiss her forehead. 

“Don’t ever say you’ll trade places with me,” I say softly. “I would die for you Katniss. You know that.”

“No,” she says sharply. “I don’t want you to. If something happens…we go together.” 

“Katniss, nothing is going to happen,” I’m suddenly reminded of the first Games, when she pulled out the berries and I shake my head. “We’re safe. The Capitol is defeated. No one’s coming after us.”

“But--“ I have to stop her from talking and I use her tactic; I lean forward and kiss her roughly, my lips conquering hers. It’s then that I notice that she is still naked and I gently tug her lip with my teeth. She succumbs and I feel her fingers wrap around my curls as she kisses me back. She adjusts herself in my lap and wraps her legs around my waist, so that her bare breasts rub against my chest and I feel her grind against my growing erection. I break away to gasp her name.

“Katniss--“ but she surges forward, claiming her rightful place at my lips again and I lose myself in her. My hand drifts down and cups her breast, pinching her dusty nipple and hearing her squeal into my mouth. I lean her back so I can lower my lips to her chest and I take one breast into my mouth. She tosses her head back with a sigh and grips my hair with both hands. As I kiss up and down her chest, I register her hand sneaking between us and pulling at the waistband of my boxer briefs. 

Without thinking, I slide them down my legs and pull Katniss closer. She’s about to lower herself onto me when we hear a gruff voice downstairs.

“Where the hell is everyone?” 

Katniss lets out a little scream and nearly falls off my lap. She moves to the bed, twisting the sheets around her while I try to pull my underwear up but just proceed to trip myself up and I go crashing to the floor.

“Peeta!” I look up at her, leaning over the bed, and I wince as I rub my bruised backside.

“I’m ok.” 

“Haymitch, don’t you know how to knock,” she screams out the door and I have to suppress a chuckle. 

“I did knock! No one answered,” came his reply.

“That should tell you something!” she screams back. There’s silence and I can just imagine the look on our old mentor’s face.

“Oh shit…ew…I’ll come back later!” Katniss and I meet eyes and we both start to laugh. I shake my head and pull myself to my feet.

“We’ll be right down, Haymitch,” I call to him as I reach for my jeans. She untangles herself from the sheets and slinks toward me. My eyes cannot leave her breasts, her nipples hardening from the cold air.

“Let him wait a while longer,” she says in a husky voice that makes me start having trouble getting my jeans on. Her arms dart out and pull me to her and we both go crashing to the bed, her legs wrapped around my waist and making it quite impossible to get off of her. But then, I really don’t want to. 

 

Katniss and I are holding hands when we enter the kitchen and see Haymitch bent over, peering in the refrigerator. I clear my throat loudly and he jumps and looks up. His eyes fly to our joined hands and then up to our faces.

“What are you doing, Haymitch?” Katniss asks with a scowl.

“I’m hungry. Don’t have food at my place.”

“Thought you were content with a liquid diet,” she sneers. Haymitch gives her a cold glare.

“What happened to you hunting every morning sweetheart?”

“Hey, knock it off,” I interrupt their squabble as I make my way to the cabinets. “I have some lamb stew I can put on to cook. Katniss didn’t go hunting because she went into town with me. I asked her to stay with me.”

“Fine. Tell me how your visit with the Mayor went.”

“Nice of you to tell me that Brent is our new Mayor,” Katniss says testily as she fills up glasses of water for us.

“What does that matter? First time I saw him, he started asking me about you and Gale. I never liked that triangle and I’m staying away from it still.” I tense only slightly.

“Piss off, Haymitch. There was never a triangle.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“Gale and I were hunting partners and friends. That is it. I never felt anything like that for him. Brent only wants to know about Gale because Hazelle asks about him. He doesn’t think anything like that…you’re just trying to make trouble.”

“Me? Trouble? Never.” I scoff and shake my head as I toss the can into the trash. I feel Katniss’s hand on my shoulder and I relax under her touch.

“Don’t listen to him,” she whispers in my ear. “You’re the only one.” 

“I know,” I tell her honestly as I lean in for a kiss. Haymitch gags.

“If you two are going to do that I’ll go back to my geese.”

“No one exactly invited you over here,” she snaps and I squeeze her hand.

“Haymitch do you have to get her so riled up?”

“It’s fun for me,” he says with a grin. I roll my eyes and turn back to the stove.

“Anyway, tell me the new good news. Are we getting a new bakery?” I glance at Katniss before I turn and nod.

“We are. My dad left me all of the land plus a little extra, so that we can expand. We signed the official papers and are ready to start plans.”

“That’s great news kid,” he comes over to me and claps me on the shoulder and he looks genuinely happy about it. “I’m really glad to hear that.”

“We just need to decide…” I glance at Katniss nervously and she gives me a smile. I swallow and continue. “We just need to decide if we are going to try to rebuild the original bakery…or tear it down and build a new one?”

“Have you even been to the bakery?” My throat is dry as I shake my head no. Katniss’s arms are entwined with mine and I hold her close. Haymitch sighs heavily.

“Well kid I won’t lie to you. There’s not a whole lot left. I think starting over new is a good idea. You could make it your own. You could make it Mellark’s and Sweetheart’s.” Katniss rolls her eyes but I grin. I love the idea of Katniss helping me do this. Even when we open, I want her there with me. Maybe not baking but I’m sure I can help her with the register or even teach her some things to help with in the kitchen. 

“It will be ours,” I say softly and she looks at me in surprise. I smile at her and bring her hand to my lips, kissing her fingers softly. “What’s mine is yours.” 

“Well then I think we should go find Thom tomorrow and start making plans for our bakery,” she says with a smile. I swear I’m about to lift off the floor, I’m feeling so light. My heart is soaring and all I want to do is kiss her until she’s breathless. But I squeeze her hand and lean into her.

“Ours,” I repeat softly and the smile she gives me makes me see fireworks behind my eyes.


	16. Chapter 16

Peeta’s hand shakes in mine and I try to steady him with all the love I can give. Haymitch decided to stay home, but he took me aside and told me if Peeta came back today without having a flashback, he would be shocked. I simply scowled and told him to have faith in our Peeta but he just raised his brow and sent us on our way. Peeta asked Thom to meet us at the bakery and he has been twitchy all morning. I even tried to cheer him up by sliding my hand into his boxer briefs when we first woke up but he gently pushed me away and shook his head. I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt but I can’t let my stupid feelings of rejection get in the way of today. I know why he’s distracted and moody. I still have trouble going to the meadow. I literally try to walk around it when I go into the woods. Which is nearly impossible.  
Victor’s Village is fading behind us as we come into town. Many of the buildings are rebuilt but there are some empty spaces where a building once stood. Shops. Houses. Schools. Medical facilities. District 12 may be rebuilding but it still has a long way to go. 

“Tell me about this part of town,” I whisper to him as we walk slowly. He sucks in a breath and looks around. 

“The Cartwrights lived right there. I used to go and play with Delly and we would create animals out of dough. Once, when we were thirteen, she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. When I looked up at her, she leaned in to kiss me again and I jerked back. I said brothers and sisters didn’t kiss and she just sighed and said ‘Peeta, we’re not really brother and sister. Maybe someday we will marry.’ And I told her, no, I would marry Katniss Everdeen or nobody. She screamed that I was a horrible boy and ran back inside so I went home. Later that evening she came over to apologize. I told her all was forgiven and that I had been stupid. Katniss would never see me like that. She put her arm around me and said with a sweet smile, ‘I think you underestimate yourself. If anyone can capture her heart, it’ll be you.’” 

“You’re making that up.”

“I swear it’s the truth. Everyone could see how plainly in love I was with you.” 

“Including your mother?” A horrible thought hits me and I squeeze his hand. His brow goes up as he watches me in concern.

“Peeta…that’s why…is that why your family refused to move to Victor’s Village? Because of me?” Peeta sighs and kicks a rock with his toe. I feel my heart sink. Had he chosen me over his family? Will I EVER be good enough for this boy?

“Mom didn’t hide the fact that she was disgusted with my choice. Even when I pleaded for them to realize that you had saved my life. Dad and my brothers all couldn’t wait to meet you but my mom, she…she just didn’t like anyone from the Seam. It wasn’t just you. She treated all the Seam kids horribly when they came into the bakery and that’s the only time I saw my father lose his temper with her. He was usually really sweet and kind but he didn’t tolerate her hatred. When they came to see me, right after the Reaping, Dad tried to give me a bag of cookies. I told him to give them to you instead and my mom went nuts. Said that I was sure to die because I would die for that…that girl from the Seam,” his voice lowered and I knew immediately those were not the words his mother had used. But I shrugged and let him continue, “and she said it would serve me right, not ever appreciating what I had and always wanting something else. She didn’t realize that I wanted less, not more. I wanted to be a Seam kid. I wished every night that I would wake up with dark hair and grey eyes. I told my brother often that I was born in the wrong place. I loved baking but I wasn’t great at it. At least that’s what my mother told me often enough.” 

Peeta’s words shake me to my core. What kind of woman could wish death on her youngest son? I cannot comprehend how someone as good and sweet and perfect as Peeta could have been raised by that witch. 

“I wish I had invited you all to dinner one night,” I say, slightly ashamed. “I would have loved to have a conversation with your father and your brothers.”

“Katniss, things were so messed up when we came home, I didn’t expect you to ever speak to me again let alone invite me to dinner. I feel horrible at the way I treated you.”

There he goes again, being Saint Peeta. Ugh!

“I was the one who ran away from you! I thought you hated me, I was trying to sort out my feelings toward you and I wanted to stay away from you until I had. It wasn’t fair to keep leading you on even more than I already had. I was so terrible to you, Peeta, and I hope one day you forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” he says firmly, stopping us and taking my hands in his. “We both acted like immature children. And don’t forget, Katniss, we were. We were scared little kids when we went into that Arena and we were scared little kids when we came back home. Don’t blame yourself for the mistakes you made then. We all made them. The fact is, I would take it all again…I mean, the Reaping, the Games, the Victory Tour, the Rebellion, the hijacking and the torture, the months spent in the Capitol, relearning everything, remembering why I loved you…I’d take it all again, Katniss, because it meant that we’ve wound up here. Together, like I always hoped. And it’s for us, not for anyone else. It’s all real and that’s a dream come true for me.” I want to capture his lips with mine and hold him close. I want to run my fingers through his hair and disappear in his arms forever. But what he just said makes me feel even worse. It’s like he just proclaimed that if he hadn’t gone through all of that, I wouldn’t be here with him. Did I fall in love with him because I lost him?

No. I’d fallen in love long before that, hadn’t I? If truth be told, something happened between us even before the Games. It’s like, when he saved my life that night he took a piece of my heart and I never really got it back. I could deny it all I wanted but only one person had ever held my heart. This perfect boy…now a man, standing before me. But is that what he really thought? That I had only confessed my love because he had been through hell? The thought kills me.

I lean up on my tiptoes and take his face in both my hands, bringing him down to me for a fierce kiss. I kiss him until I can’t breathe. When I draw back, his eyes are wide and searching and he looks bemused.

“You listen to me,” I say, keeping a firm hold on his flushed cheeks. “I’m with you because I fell in love with you, a long time ago. Before everything happened. Don’t you ever think that the only reason we are here together is because of everything that happened to you. I can’t tell you exactly at which moment I discovered I loved you…maybe deep down, I always knew. But we didn’t need all the hell we went through…we would have found a way to each other without it.”

“Katniss--“ but I shake my head and press forward again, wrapping my arms around him and holding him close. I’m aware people are starting to stare and whisper and I could care less. I hold him close to me and I hear him groan against my lips. When we pull away, his eyes are still closed.

“Shit,” he says weakly. I reach down and take his hand and his eyes open again. He swallows deeply and looks down at our joined hands.

“I-I didn’t mean it that way, Katniss. I’m sorry if I upset you. I just meant…well, I was a huge coward. I don’t know if I ever would have gotten up the courage to talk to you. The Reaping gave me that chance and although I would have preferred we didn’t go through that either, it gave me the chance to really get to know you. And fall in love with you even more. I was ready to die for you even before I really knew you. Then when we went back to the Quell…I knew that I didn’t want to come back this time. Because I thought you’d be happier without me, so why should you try to save me when you were the one who had a life back here? Even in the Capitol, when Snow was questioning me…he offered me deals, trading my life for yours. The idiot didn’t know me or he would never have made me an offer like that. I’m shocked he even tried, knowing how closely he paid attention to our Games. But everything I did during my imprisonment, it was because he said it would keep you safe. So I didn’t even question it. I said what they wanted me to say, even though it made me a traitor. When I found out they were planning to attack 13, I warned you even though I knew they would probably kill me. You were and are worth my very life.”  
I squeeze my eyes shut at his words, blinking back tears. I remember that morning. Watching Peeta’s propo and his warning, then seeing his blood stain the tile floor and hearing his cries of pain. Hearing him say that Snow offered him a trade, that’s new and doesn’t make me feel any less of a monster. This beautiful man who has loved me his whole life and I can’t even say I will marry him? What kind of bitch am I? Well, Johanna would answer that one in a heartbeat. The biggest bitch she’s ever known. And I have to agree with her.

I feel his hands on my cheeks and he’s watching me apprehensively. 

“You ok?” I nod.

“Yeah. Um…we should keep moving.” His eyes search mine for a moment before he nods and slips his hand into mine as we start walking again. 

As we walk, he goes back to talking about the town. I learn who his best friends were, where his wrestling coach lived, where he liked to go read when things got bad at the bakery. When we reach it, we fall silent. Haymitch was right, there isn’t much left. There’s one wall left standing and a charred oven in the corner. Peeta releases my hand and walks through the remains of his home. Papers are scattered on the floor, there’s charred pots and pans all over the place, and scorch marks stain the floor. Peeta is pale and I watch him warily as he looks around. 

“This is where my father first taught me how to make frosting,” he says very quietly and I step closer to hear him better. “And over here, I brought home my first A on a book report. Mom was even smiling then! This is the spot that Ryean told us he got a girl pregnant. That was the first time I had ever seen Mom hit him with her rolling pin. He had a black eye for a week. He told everyone he was carrying a tray of pastries and had fallen down the stairs.” He has tears streaming down his face and I reach out for him but pull back, not sure if stopping him now is the best thing. He keeps turning on the spot or running over to a corner of the room. I try to follow him but I mostly just watch him.

“This is where, on the morning of the Reaping, Dad gave me his favorite dress shirt from when he was younger. I think they threw it away after my prep team took me when we first arrived at the Capitol.” He reaches out and touches something that isn’t there.

“When we came back from the Victory Tour, I told my family, at this counter, that I had asked you to marry me. That you would be a part of the family. My mother slapped me across the face and screamed at me that she wished I had died in the Arena. Dad grabbed her hand and yelled at her to get out. My brothers both hugged me and told me they were proud of me. Dad held me and said he was happy that I was happy. The four of us just…held each other in this spot. Until Mom came back in and told me, with the most solemn look, that she expected me to bring you to dinner that weekend so she could meet you.” My jaw drops. He had never invited me to dinner. Then again, he probably knew I wouldn’t have gone. I hesitantly approach him and wrap my arms around his waist. I feel his body shake with sobs and he bends over, still holding the imaginary counter. I move around him and gently lower him to the floor, bringing him closer and holding him tightly. His sobs shake the both of us and my hands run through his neatly-combed hair. 

“They’re gone, Katniss,” he gasps. “They’re gone and I’ll never see them again. My family is dead.” What can I say to that? Nothing. My little sister is gone too. The most family I ever had. But for some reason, we’re still here. Peeta’s family died and he survived. My sister died and I survived. He told me it’s not up to us to decide who survives and who doesn’t and I know that’s true but it’s still not fair. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Prim’s name hadn’t come out of that bowl. Would I have watched Peeta fight for his life, cheering him on, secretly pleading for him to return to me? Would he have died at the hands of a Career? Would he have come home a Victor, completely changed and scarred for life, with no one to hold him and chase away the nightmares? Or what would have happened if Peeta had not been Reaped with me? Would I still have survived? He saved me in there, I know it. But if I had returned a Victor, would he have finally spoken to me? Probably not. If he thought I was intimidating before Victor status, I know he wouldn’t have even looked at me as a Victor. How different our lives could be. 

But then, I realize, he’s right. It’s no good thinking about how things could be different. Things happened that lead us on our path to where we are today. There are many things that could be called a catalyst to these paths but the fact is, we’re standing here together and I wouldn’t change that for the world. So I sort of understand what he was saying, about how he would take it all again. I’m not sure if I think the sacrifices were worth it. I did everything I could, include go to the Arena, to protect Prim and yet the Games are over and she is gone. And Peeta, who was the most wonderful person in Panem, was forever changed by the terror of the Capitol. No we can’t think about ‘what-if’ but I can think about how to make the most out of our second chance.   
I urge him to lean on me and his head rests below my chin. He clutches my shirt tightly and continues to cry hysterically. 

“They’re still with you, Peeta,” I whisper. “They’re always with you.” 

“They were killed because of me.” 

“No! No that’s not true, Peeta. Not real. It’s the Capitol’s fault. No one else’s.” I feel him tremble and he is fighting to remove himself from my embrace. When he pulls back, his face is hard and his eyes are dark. I swallow.

“No Peeta, don’t let this happen. Please. Stay with me.” He blinks and shakes his head.

“I have to go, Katniss. I’m sorry.” He struggles to his feet and runs down the road, not looking back. I sigh heavily and hang my head, determined not to become a ball of tears out here in the open. But when I look down, I let out a little scream.

A skull is staring up at me with vacant eyes.  
My hand claps over my mouth as I try not to retch. Thank God Peeta did not see.   
I hear footsteps and I whirl around, hoping against hope he hadn’t come back. Not yet. 

“Peeta?”

“No, I’m sorry Miss Katniss, I didn’t mean to spook ya.” Thom holds his hands up and he looks wary.

“It’s ok Thom, I’m sorry I got jumpy. Thanks for meeting me.”

“Of course. Um…where’s Mr. Mellark?”

“He…um…it was a bit too much for him. He’ll be fine,” I add and he nods. 

“Well I brought the plans with me, so you can take them home and have him look over them?”

“I don’t feel right making any decisions without him. But I know he wants to tear it down and start all over. I think it would be really nice if we could have this oven restored so he can have something of his family’s.”

“I know a guy in 3 who runs an appliance factory and who can fix up old appliances. I can give him a call and see if it’s possible to save this one.”

“And Thom…can we…um, we need to…” I wave toward the skull and his face pales.

“I’ll get the clean up crew out here as soon as possible.” I nod, swallowing. Should I tell Peeta? Will he want to bury them properly instead of just tossing them into a large pit? More importantly, can he handle that? 

“Thank you, Thom,” my voice sounds far away. “We will try to call you tomorrow to start on plans.”

“My pleasure, Miss Katniss. Tell Peeta we’re all rooting for him. We know he’s a good guy and it would be great to see a bakery with Mellark’s goods again.”

“I’ll tell him. Thanks again Thom.” I wave the young man off and start back toward Victor’s Village. I kind of want to go straight to the woods but I don’t know if Peeta will need me or not so I make my way back home.

I find him painting. I stop in the doorway and he looks up, his eyes once again blue and beautiful. 

“Sorry,” he croaks and I shake my head.

“Nothing to be sorry about. We knew it would be difficult. What are you painting?” He doesn’t answer and I move around him to look. My eyes widen in horror and I feel my heart ache.

“Oh Peeta,” I reach out to touch him and he jerks away. His eyes don’t leave the painting. He had started to paint his family. Maybe it was a happy memory, one that made him smile, until the terror set in. Now the picture is full of flames and smoke and screams. The bakery is on fire and I can feel the flames licking my face as I lean closer. The looks on his family’s melting faces makes me shudder. 

“Peeta, why did you paint this?”

“Why not? I told you I paint what I see. I see them in my mind every day. I wasn’t here to help them.” I try to hug him again but he tenses and stands up.

“Don’t…just don’t. I-I just need some time, Katniss. To be alone? Please?” I look into his eyes and tears cloud mine. He starts forward but I’m running from his room immediately. I hear him call my name once but I’m out the door before he can even make it to the stairs. I don’t expect him to come after me. He’s drained, as I knew he would be. I collapse on the porch and hide my face in my hands.

“That bad, huh?” I look up and see Haymitch watching me worriedly. I sniffle and wipe my face with the back of my hand.

“Come on. Let’s have a drink at my place.”

“I don’t drink.”

“You’ll have tea then. Let’s go.” I take his outstretched hand and follow him across the way to his place. I sit on his porch while he bustles around inside and then he slides down beside me, handing me a mug of tea. I glance at his flask.

“You could have some too.”

“I’ll stick with my stronger stuff,” he says quietly. We’re both staring at Peeta’s house and the thought of him alone up there makes me sick.

“How bad was it?”

“I think I would have preferred if he started yelling and throwing things,” I say quietly. “He just…looked around. Talked about his family. He started to cry and then he just left. When I found him at home, he was painting the bakery on fire. With his family inside. It was the most terrible thing I have ever seen him paint. And I’ve seen him paint me as a mutt. I can’t imagine the pain he is feeling and he won’t let me help him. He told me he wanted to be alone.”

“Don’t take offence to that, sweetheart. You go off into the woods when you want to be alone and no one dares follow you. Peeta’s refuge is his painting studio and we should respect his privacy while he’s in there.” 

“But Haymitch…I lost my sister. We’ve all lost someone. Why should he experience that alone?”

“Because Peeta is used to being on his own. That bitch of a mother made him feel worthless and unworthy of love. His brothers, I gather, didn’t stand up for him too much. And when you came into the picture, you weren’t really there either.” I snap my head around and he gives me an apologetic look. 

“Sorry but it’s true. He would come around my place a lot but he was pretty lonely. He’s just used to doing it on his own. Yes it would be easier to let someone in and help him through this but it’s new to him. You loving him is new to him too. He may know, in his heart that your love is real but when he gets like this, his hijacked brain will do anything it can to put you in a bad light. Fucking Capitol,” he adds before he takes another swig.

“After he left…I found…a skull.” I glance at him and see he freezes. “I mean I know it’s one of his family’s but I don’t know who. And I don’t know if I should…say something to him…we could give them a proper burial.”

“If the kid couldn’t handle seeing a melted oven, how do you think he’s going to react to seeing his family’s charred bones?” I wince and blink back tears.

“We could…we could ask Thom to gather all the remains and you could dig a separate grave in the meadow,” he says slowly. 

“I think Peeta would like that.”   
I sigh and set my tea cup down.

“I guess I’ll make myself useful and go get some meat for tonight. If he comes out of there will you tell him where I’ve gone?”

“Sure sweetheart. But please be careful.”

“I know how to hunt, Haymitch.”

“Ok can we just not find you in a deep hole, close to death again?” I fall silent and he raises a brow. 

“See if you can get squirrel. The kid loves squirrel.”


	17. Chapter 17

I return with three squirrels but I was so distracted by my thoughts that my shot was messy. I stop in Victor’s Village and glance up at Peeta’s house. Maybe Haymitch is right. I should give Peeta some time alone. So I take the squirrels into my house and slam them on the counter. I realize that it’s been awhile since I have been to this house and I shiver at the silence. I leave my bow and game bag by the door and kick off my boots while I set to stripping the meat.   
I’m covered in blood and entrails but the meat is stripped and prepared and I think it will make a good dinner tonight. I leave the knife on the counter and decide I most definitely need a shower. I’m starting up the stairs when I hear the door open. 

“Katniss?” comes his tentative voice as he comes in looking for me. 

“Hey, I’m in here but I was going to take a shower before dinner.” Peeta stops in front of me, his eyes wide. I look down quickly and look back up at him, horror-stricken.

“Peeta--“ but his breathing is labored and his eyes have gone dark.

“You murdering bitch,” he growls as he launches himself at me, his hands outstretched.

“Peeta, wait!” I dodge him but he’s fast too; he’s turned on his heel and his fist catches me in the jaw. With a cry, I crash to the floor and look up in terror as he hovers over me. He looks around until his eyes fall on my hunting knife. My bloody hunting knife. 

Shit.

“You killed her, you evil mutt! I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you!” He grabs the knife and leaps at me, giving me only a second to scoot away. My jaw is throbbing and I back up, using my hands, whimpering like a child.

“Peeta…please. It’s me! I’m not here to hurt you.” 

“No,” he snarls, holding the knife up, “but you hurt her, didn’t you? You killed her!”

“I didn’t kill anyone!” I’m crying now, holding onto my aching cheek. “I won’t hurt you! I love you!” 

“Liar! You’re lying to me, mutt! And I’ll kill you for it!” With speed and agility I remember from the Games, he grabs a fistful of my hair and yanks my head back. I feel the cold blade at my throat and I gasp. Tears stream down my face as I look up into his face. The last thing I’ll ever see is the face I love, filled with such hatred. I let out a sob and his face screws up.

“Don’t think your tears are going to save you, mutt. You murdered my wife. You think my tears don’t count?”

“Peeta, please. Just look at me. I’m Katniss Everdeen, the girl who loves you. I’m not a mutt. It’s not real.” He looks uncertain but the blade presses harder and I try to back up before he slices me open. I could try to call for Haymitch but I’m sure I’d be dead before I get out the first syllable. So I try again to appeal to him.

“Peeta. I love you. That is real. Everything the Capitol told you is not real. My love for you…it’s real. It’s very real.” He blinks and his hold on my hair releases only slightly. I bring my hand up to rest on his wrist and he tenses. But I keep whispering how much I love him and very slowly, I lower his hand. He drops the knife and crashes to his knees. He lowers his head and rocks back and forth. I start to hold him but he sobs for me to get away from him and I obey. I run out of my house and across to Haymitch’s. 

 

“Dammit, the kid did a number on you,” he says as he dabs at the wound at my throat. I wince and shake my head.

“There’s a chance he won’t remember what he’s done. And we will not remind him, Haymitch.”

“Katniss, he could have killed you. Again.”

“He didn’t. I was able to calm him down. It was just the blood and seeing me like that that made him go off. I just have to be more careful from now on.” 

“Fine but I still think he should have a check up with Aurelius.”

“He’s not going back to the Capitol,” I say sharply. “Aurelius is still treating him over the phone. It’s not his fault, Haymitch!”

“I never said it was, sweetheart. But this scares me a little. He’s strong and he came really close.” I squeeze my eyes shut and turn away and he sighs heavily. We hear   
the door burst open and Peeta’s panicked voice.

“Haymitch! Where are you? Haymitch!” 

“I’m here, kid,” Haymitch jumps to his feet and goes to greet him. 

“Where’s Katniss? What did I do? Did I--“ he stops as he enters the room and sees me. I push the first aid kit out of sight but the damage has been done. Peeta is pale and his lip is trembling as he brings a hand up to his mouth.

“Oh god, no.” He looks as if his knees are going to give out and he stumbles backwards out of the room. 

“Peeta, wait!” I run to him and take his arm but he flings me away and gives me a terrified look.

“Don’t Katniss. Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. I’m a danger to you.” He sobs and runs from the house. I try to follow him but Haymitch holds me back.

“Let me go!”

“Stop it, sweetheart. Just give him some time to collect his thoughts. It won’t do either of you any good to go banging in on him right now.” I turn, helpless, and watch him clean up the first aid kit. I wince as I bring the ice to my cheek and I pray there won’t be a bruise. I’m about to sit when I hear a lamented wail coming from across the way. Without another thought, I throw the ice to the ground and run to him.

I don’t even care anymore. I don’t care if it’s suicide, bursting in on him like this. All I care about is holding him and making the pain go away, if only for a moment. I look around and don’t see him in the living room or the kitchen. Glancing up, I take the stairs two at a time and run into his room. I hear sobs coming from the bathroom and I burst the door open.

Peeta is lying in the floor, curled up into a ball and clutching his head. A knife lies not far from him and I scream as I crash to my knees. I grab his arms and inspect both wrists before pulling him up into a sitting position.

“Look at me.” He doesn’t so I cup his chin and tilt his face upwards. “Look at me,” I say again. He shakes his head and tries to hide his face in his hands.

“Peeta. What did you do?” 

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me. Did you try to hurt yourself?” 

“No.”

“Peeta.”

“What?”

“Did you want to hurt yourself?” He finally looks up at him, his eyes streaming, his nose red, and a wild look in his eyes.

“Of course I fucking wanted to hurt myself! I hurt you, Katniss! I could have killed you! Why am I not dead? It would be better if I was dead.”

“Shut up! Don’t say that, don’t ever say that!” I’m aware that we are both screaming and we both probably look quite insane. I shake my head violently and grip his wrists.

“I would die without you, do you understand? If you kill yourself, you might as well kill me first because I wouldn’t be far behind you! Damn you Peeta, how could you think of leaving me like this?”

“You thought of leaving me.” His reply stops my tirade and I cock my head.

“I haven’t ever thought of leaving you. I told you I was waiting for--“

“You tried, Katniss! You tried to take your life!” He’s glaring at me and I still don’t understand. He grabs my hand and holds my wrist up, shaking it slightly. 

Oh damn it. He’s seen it. This glowing scar that haunts me every moment. 

“See? You tried it! Why won’t you let me?”

“Because you’re stronger than I am,” he scoffs at that and I pull him closer. “You are. You overcame it all. You beat the Capitol, Peeta! You overcame the hijacking. You never carried through with the Capitol’s plan.”

“What plan,” he sniffs.

“To kill me,” I say softly and he looks into my eyes. 

“I couldn’t,” he replies, just as softly. I wrap my fingers around his and move closer to him.

“You beat the odds, Peeta. You came back to me. You always come back to me, like you said. You’re not a danger to me. You’re my life and my reason for breathing. And if you leave me, you’ll be cutting off my air supply. I’ll die without you, Peeta, I will just cease to breathe. You just have to be stronger. For me. Know that I love you and I will always love you.”

“Katniss,” he releases another sob and he lowers his forehead to my chest. He slowly falls forward and I don’t have the strength to hold him up. I’m so tired, I could just lie down on this floor and die with him. Maybe that’s what we need. To let each other go. We could go together, like I said. Who will take care of Haymitch? Sae maybe. Hazelle. They won’t let him starve. The knife is still close by. All it would take is a quick slice to our throats. 

I remember this very old story that Finnick tried to get me to read, back in 13. Apparently he had found it in 13’s library and he fell in love with it. Romeo and Juliet by this really really old guy called Shakespeare. He probably would have been popular in the Capitol. Anyway, I think Finnick wanted me to read it because they were called the ‘star-crossed lovers’. Their families were fighting and they fell in love, against all odds. But they could never be together. So after a whole lot of tragedy, Romeo sees Juliet’s body and thinks she is dead, when she is really just sleeping. So he drinks poison and when she wakes up next to his body, she stabs herself with his dagger. The story is freaking depressing and I had even worse nightmares, which I blamed Finnick for. But lying here with Peeta, I wonder about the peace of death. If we’re together, what does it matter? Romeo and Juliet were finally together and away from their feuding families. In death, we would escape the nightmares and the hijacking and the flashbacks and the emotional trauma and the tears and the pain. We could escape it all, with a flick of this knife.   
I start to reach for it but Peeta stretches and lies down completely, resting his head in my lap. His arms reach up and wrap around my waist and I move my arm underneath his head so he is more comfortable. He lets out a breathy sigh and I sense a change in his breathing. He turns his cheek and I see his eyes are closed. My fingers go to his hair and I stroke his blonde curls. His hold around me tightens as he buries his face in my lap. I sigh and lean against the wall, feeling sleep overpower me. We stay like that, with him asleep in my lap, in the middle of the bathroom floor, for the rest of the night. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up feeling like I was hit by a train. I pull myself up and lean back, looking around to see where I was. Katniss is leaning against the wall, her eyes closed and her chest moving up and down steadily. A knife lays just a few inches away from her hand and I blink several times.

What the hell happened to us?

Slowly, it all starts to come back. I stare at Katniss and feel my heart sink. There is a large purple bruise forming underneath her eye and I blink back tears. I stand up and stretch my aching muscles, starting when I notice my reflection. God I look terrible. At least I look as bad as I feel. 

I notice Katniss shivering and I know this tile floor is not comfortable. So I gather her in my arms and carry her to our room. I gently set her on the bed and pull the sheets over her. I turn to leave, knowing I should not be near her but I feel her small hand on mine and I freeze.

“Stay,” she mumbles and I’m not entirely sure if she’s awake or if she’s dreaming. But I find that I can’t leave her, despite my better judgment. So I pull back the sheets and climb into bed with her, slipping my arms underneath her and pulling her close. Her arm drapes over my waist and she buries her face into my chest. 

“Always,” I whisper into her hair and with a final kiss on her head, I close my eyes and allow sleep to take me again.


	18. Chapter 18

My mind notices two things immediately. That I am no longer in the bathroom floor and that Peeta has me enveloped in his arms. I glance up at him and see that he is sleeping peacefully. I reach up and stroke his curls and he lets out a moan, so I jerk my hand back, not wanting to disturb his peaceful slumber. He looks completely different when he sleeps. Untroubled. Free. I hope that he is having good dreams. I remember something he once told me on the train, a long time ago.

“My nightmares are usually about losing you. I’m ok once I realize you’re here.” 

I lean down and kiss him very softly on the lips. His eyes flutter open and I am met with brilliant oceans of blue. His face looks soft and calm.

“Hi,” he says softly. I can’t help but smile.

“Hi,” I answer. As he starts to wake up, I can see worry and guilt start to cross his face.

“What have I done,” he says softly as his hand reaches toward my face.

“It wasn’t you, Peeta,” I tell him firmly and he grimaces.

“How can you keep saying that? I’m like death to you, Katniss! I could kill you at any moment.”

“No, you won’t. I trust you. I’m not afraid of you.”

“You should be,” he groans, reaching a hand up to run through his unruly curls. I reach up and grasp his wrist, and bring his hand to my lips. He swallows and watches me closely. I’m actually very surprised that Haymitch didn’t follow us over here. He probably knows better. He’s probably just as exhausted as we are. 

“We’re really messed up, aren’t we,” he finally speaks. It isn’t really a question. It’s more of a statement. And I can’t argue it. I nod and he sighs heavily.

“We are but we can help each other, Peeta. I don’t think we’d be able to get through it without the other.” 

“I think you’re right,” he says though he doesn’t look entirely convinced of that. I turn his wrist over, just to make sure.

“So you didn’t try anything?”

“No,” he assures me. “I wanted to. All I could think about was how much I had hurt you. How my hands felt as they wrapped around your throat in 13. How I don’t deserve you. I wanted to do it but something stopped me. I had the knife in my hand, ready, and something stayed my hand. And then you burst in and I just felt myself drowning in your love. I wasn’t prepared for it and sometimes I’m so happy that I can’t even breathe. And then that happiness is run over by fear, which chokes me until I’m struggling for breath. But I know you’ll protect me. You always have.”

Peeta still manages to take my breath away with his words. Really and truly, he would have been a much better Mockingjay than me and I know Coin knew that. I wonder how things would be if our roles had been reversed. If I had been the one to be tortured and twisted. Would he have continued to fight for me?  
Of course he would. I chide myself for even doubting it for a second. Peeta loves me unconditionally. He would never stop fighting for me. He has never stopped fighting for me. And how can he possibly say I have always protected him? Hadn’t I let him out of my sight and lost him to the Capitol? Hadn’t I abandoned him to their torture and abuse for weeks and weeks, and then even afterwards while he was trying to heal? I wasn’t a protector. I destroyed him.

I feel his fingers between my eyes and I lean back.

“What are you doing?”

“Smoothing out that frown line you have. What’s going through your head?”  
I don’t want to voice my thoughts so I just shrug.

“Just thinking about if you had been the Mockingjay.” He frowns and leans back to look at me more clearly.

“What? Why?”

“Coin wanted to save you rather than me. She should have saved you.”

“Katniss--“

“You would have been able to lead the Rebels to victory with such ease. You could inspire the districts with just your words. Maybe there would have been so much less death if it had been you leading.”

“What have I told you about playing this game,” he takes my face in his hands and I frown.

“What game?”

“The what-if game. It doesn’t do us any good to wonder what could have been. Just try to put the past behind you as best you can.” 

“Ok,” I give in. He’s right and I know it. It’s easier said than done but I need to try, if we are ever going to live a normal life together. He leans down and kisses me and his hands entwine with mine.

“Before we put it completely behind us, I have to know. When did you do this?” I don’t need to ask him to explain himself. He is gripping my hands tightly and his eyes seem to be pleading. I sigh and lower my head.

“Not long before you returned. I wasn’t eating and I hadn’t moved from my chair. Sae came every morning to try to make me eat. Haymitch stopped coming. I think he was just as tired as I was. I hoped and hoped for you and told myself I had to keep waiting because I knew you would come back to me. But I had this…terrible nightmare and I woke up thrashing and I imagined you running in and holding me, like you always do. Except…I blinked and then you were gone,” I fight to keep the tears out of my voice but of course I’m failing. He reaches up and pushes my hair behind my ear as he continues to hold onto my hand. 

“Go on,” he says softly. 

“I went back to sleep and dreamed of everyone. Prim. Finnick. Rue. My father. Boggs. Cato. Madge. All of the Star Squad. All of the tributes. Everyone came out of their graves to taunt me. And I woke up and realized those ghosts would never leave me. And without you…life just wasn’t worth living anymore. So I took my hunting knife and as soon as I had done it, I regretted it and came to my senses. I yelled at myself for giving up on you and I bandaged it the way my mom showed me a long time ago. I hid it from everyone because I was ashamed. I hoped you would never find out because even though I am covered in scars, this scar haunts me the most. Not the ones that I got the day my sister died but the one that reminds me of the moment that I lost every bit of hope.” I sniffle and feel him tug me closer. His arms wrap around me and he rests his chin on my shoulder. His hand strokes my hair and I feel him shaking beneath me.

“You don’t have to be ashamed of it,” he tells me in a soft voice. “We all have our moments of weakness. And you saved yourself from it, so be proud that you were able to talk yourself down. There were so many times I would have tried in the Capitol, if I had anything. The doctors kept my room completely empty because they knew I would try it. I was convinced I had lost you. I had no reason to keep going.” I blink back tears as I lean back to study him. But he keeps going.

“But then, Haymitch called me one day and told me you weren’t doing well. That you needed me. I argued with him that you were better off without me and he yelled at me to wake up. ‘You’ve always protected her, boy, now I need you to pull yourself together so you can keep on protecting her’,” I grin at his Haymitch impersonation. 

“So I did. I told Aurelius I had to get better because I had someone waiting for me. I didn’t know if you loved me, I didn’t even know if I loved you like I once had, but I knew I had to get back to you. Ever since the Games, we’ve been stronger together. That’s why I was so angry that they managed to separate us in the Quell. I should have refused because we are stronger together--“

“Peeta--“ I try to pacify him but he just shakes his head.

“And I think that’s why Snow went after me. Why he even came up with that plan with the hijacking. Because he knew together, we’d be a force to be reckoned with.”

“He just wanted to destroy me,” I say, choking back a sob. “He used you to destroy me. It wasn’t even about programming you to kill me. It was about killing your love for me. Snow knew me. He knew how selfish I was. He knew how much it would hurt me to lose the one person who loved me above all else.” I realize this isn’t entirely true. There were two people who loved me above all else. But since he couldn’t get to one of them, he took Peeta. And still, I lost both of them in the end.  
As if he knows my thoughts, Peeta takes my hands and wraps my arms around his waist. 

“I’m still here,” he says firmly. “I’ll always be right here.”

“I know.” He pulls me in for a kiss and I lay down, my head resting directly above his heart. At that moment I hear both our stomachs growl and a deep resounding laughter makes his body shake.

“I guess we should probably eat some dinner.” In the chaos of all that has happened I’d completely forgotten the squirrels back at my place. I decide not to mention hunting, afraid I will set him off. 

“Let’s go see if we can find something to make.” We walk down the stairs together, his arm around my waist and he’s refusing to let go. We check the fridge and see we have stuff to make sandwiches. Peeta glances at me as he starts to slice the bread.

“Why don’t you go get cleaned up while I make our dinner?” I glance down and bite my lip, realizing I am still wearing what had set him off in the first place. His head is lowered and his eyes are on the bread so I wonder how he slept beside me with no problems. I quickly run upstairs and jump in the shower, tossing the bloody clothes into a hamper so that I can do laundry before he sees. I scrub my body from head to toe and quickly run my fingers through my hair.   
When I’m finished, I go to my drawer in Peeta’s dresser and pull out a pair of silk pajamas before going back downstairs.   
He looks up and smiles when I enter the room and he pushes a plate toward me. 

“I’m going to clean up while you eat,” he tells me. “I also want to put some medicine on that bruise.”

“Haymitch took care of it earlier.”

“I have some stronger stuff,” he says firmly. I merely nod and he kisses me on the head before he hurries upstairs. I chew my sandwich in silence, dreading going into town again and having people ask me about my face. Not many people know about what happened in 13 and many just don’t understand the hijacking. We haven’t bothered to explain it either. As far as I’m concerned, it’s over. Peeta overcame it better than anyone ever has. He will have flashbacks all his life but I will have nightmares for the rest of mine. We can be basket cases together. I sometimes wish Johanna lived near us, so she could join in the mental party of three messed up victors. 

When he comes back in, I suck in a breath at the sight of him without a shirt on. He has taken to wearing only pajama pants to bed and I have no reason whatsoever to complain. His hair is still dripping from the shower and droplets of water drip down his chest toward the delicious V I always love to ogle. Peeta stops and smirks at me, shaking his head.

“What naughty thoughts are running through the Mockingjay’s head right now?” 

“What makes you think you know what I’m thinking about?”

“Oh Katniss, please. Your eyes are nearly dilated with lust.” My jaw drops and he swoops down on me for a kiss before I can protest. 

“I’d be happy to indulge every wicked thought in that brain of yours,” he whispers against my lips, his hand finding its way into my hair. I gasp and jerk back, my eyes searching his face. He smirks again and sits across from me. Just like that, the smirk is gone and my gentle, caring Peeta is back. 

“This might be a little cold.” He opens a jar of cream and he scoops out a generous amount and very gently, his fingertips rake across my cheek. I grimace but don’t say anything and his eyes flick downward.

“How does that feel?” The cooling sensations are wonderful and I feel the pain easing away.

“Much better.” He nods and closes the lid before moving his hand back to my face and he evens the cream out with his thumb.

“What is this stuff?”

“They gave it to me for my burns. It really helped with the scars and they said to put it on any bruises or cuts I may have. I put it on my scars twice a day.” 

“I wish they’d given me something like this,” I say softly as I inspect the jar. “The Capitol tried to re-make my skin but after Coin…well, I sort of ruined my new body and they didn’t really know what to do about it.” Peeta frowns and pushes my hair out of my eyes.

“I can put some on your scars, if you like?” The idea of him touching my scarred body, touching my scars directly, scares me at first. But then I shake myself and realize that he has touched every inch of my body with the utmost adoration and love. I nod and he stands up, holding a hand out to me. I take it and he leads me upstairs into the bedroom. He sets the jar of cream on the nightstand and turns to me. His eyes never leaving mine, his hands slide under the hem of my shirt and he pulls upward. I shiver from the cold air and he glances over at the open window, moving toward it but I stop him.

“I’m ok.” He bites his lip but his hands go to my waist and he slowly pulls my pajama pants down. I’m standing in nothing but a pair of blue panties and he sucks in a breath. 

“You’re so beautiful it hurts.” I blush and it spreads across my whole body. He grins and leans in to kiss my neck. “You’re even more beautiful when you blush. So pink and perfect.” His fingers hook onto my panties and he pulls them down, kneeling in front of me. He looks up at me and I down at him and our eyes meet. He leans forward to kiss my stomach and my skin flinches. He smiles up at me with that perfect crooked grin he has and he stands up again. 

“Lie down on your stomach.” He fluffs a pillow for me and I obey. I’m feeling rather exposed at the moment, especially since he is fully clothed but his lips travel across my back and make my fears disappear. I hear him open the jar and his hands are on my back, pressing down with his fingertips and sometimes his knuckles. It feels so unbelievably good that I let out a little moan. He chuckles and continues to massage the medicine into my skin. He follows the path of scars across my back and down my thighs. When he has covered every inch of my backside, I feel his lips at my neck.

“Turn over.” I do as he says and stare up at him. He collects more medicine on his fingers and starts at my collarbone where the fire licked up neck. My eyes flutter shut as his hands work their magic and I tilt my head back just a bit. I feel his lips right beneath my chin and they slowly kiss down my throat. I’m at complete peace here with Peeta and I completely forget, for a moment, where these scars even came from.


	19. Chapter 19

I love seeing her so relaxed. I remember giving her massages before, on the Victory Tour, but this is something else. At first I was surprised that she had agreed to let me do this. I know she is still uncomfortable with her body. But at least mine matches hers. The fires that claimed her sister as well as many other lives marked us as the same.

While she stares up me, I see her eyes flit across my chest and I grin. I lean over to get more medicine on my fingers and I feel the cooling effects. This stuff has helped me so much with my scars and my prosthesis. I can see that it is helping her. Even so long after the incident, we can still feel pain in these scars. My hands trace across her body, following the lines of fire down her stomach and across her thighs. Her face and her breasts were practically untouched. Her legs and thighs suffered the most. Parts of her stomach still look raw and I make sure to rub an extra amount in. I’m not trying to make it sexual by any means. Of course it’s impossible to ignore how hard I’m getting from touching her naked body but I won’t tell Katniss that. I need to show a little self-control and she would probably agree with me. She tries to sit up and looks a little uneasy.

“I don’t want to use it all up. Thank you for that. It feels so much better.”

“I’m glad. And you won’t use it all up. I have several jars of this. We can do this every night, if you want.”

“Do you want me to do the same for you?”

Her hands on my skin right now may cause me to explode. But it sounds wonderful so I nod eagerly and we switch places. Mine aren’t nearly as bad as hers. I was behind her, after all. I had run into the square, to protect her, when I saw the parachutes explode. She had run after Prim, screaming her name and I had run toward her. When I saw the fire attack Katniss, I ran into the flames without question. I had taken my jacket off and tried to beat the fire off but she still lay unconscious in front of me. So I carried her to the hospital, screaming for help. I can still feel the flames beating down on me and I shudder. It doesn’t go unnoticed and she leans back a little.

“You ok?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’m fine.” 

“You’re thinking about that day too.” I bite my lip as I turn onto my stomach.

“How could you not,” she continues. “I replay that day over and over in my mind every night.” I’m silent and I close my eyes when I feel her start to massage the cream into my shoulders and down my back. She’s quicker about it and I flip onto my back when she tells me to. She’s sitting beside me and she has tears in her eyes. I sit up and my hands go to the back of her head, pulling her in for a kiss. It’s soft and sweet and brief. When she pulls back, she looks like she wants to say something.

“What?” I ask her before she even opens her mouth.

“It’s just…that day. I didn’t even see you…I thought you had gone back to Tigris’s shop. I hoped you had anyway. But you had to have been in the Square with me.”

“You think I could just walk away, knowing you were in danger? I followed you the whole way. I kept my eye on you and Gale and when all hell broke loose and I saw Gale captured, I ran after you, calling your name. But you didn’t hear me. So I kept you in my sight and stayed behind you, ready to defend you when you needed it.” She looks surprised at my confession and I gently stroke her cheek.

“You honestly think I could have just left you there?” 

“I-I didn’t know what you were feeling. When we said goodbye that morning…I didn’t think I would ever see you again. And I had so many things I wanted to tell you, I just--“

“I know, Katniss,” I say gently, stopping her speech. My hand rests on hers and she chokes back a sob. 

“So you were there, burning with me.” She leans back, her eyes wide and beautiful. “It was you,” she says in realization. “You were the one who got me out.” I bite my lip and glance down at the blankets.

“After the parachutes went off and everything was on fire, I found you unconscious. I-I went looking for Prim but…I couldn’t find her. I could only get you to the hospital before I passed out too. I don’t know who found us but I was screaming for you as soon as I woke up, demanding to know what had happened to you. We had been separated like…before… and I wasn’t going to lose you again.” 

“Oh Peeta,” she is sobbing and she throws herself into my arms. I hold her shaking body close, stroking her hair and her back, telling her over and over that I love her. She clings to me like I’m her lifeline. Like I am her last shot at life and for the first time, I realize the truth of this metaphor. She has told me time and time again that I have saved her life, in more ways than one. That she had given up hope when she thought she had lost me. Haymitch has told me how she was in 13, when I was still in the Capitol. That she hid in closets and cried in front of everyone. It’s hard to believe the strong girl on fire that I entered the Games with is now so broken.  
But then, I guess we are all broken. The Games does that. And the War did it. We lost our families, friends, neighbors. We lost ourselves for a time. I’m furious at the world for everything that I was robbed off. But at least I was not robbed of Katniss Everdeen. She is the one good thing in my life and I’ll be damned if someone takes that goodness from me now. 

“I’m sorry,” she is saying as she wipes at her tears. My thumb wipes them from the corner of her eyes and I kiss her forehead, then lay back down. 

“Nothing to be sorry for,” I tell her gently. She nods and scoops up more cream from the jar. My back suffered the most but the scars make their way up around my shoulders and down my chest. I watch her fingers as they travel that path, her touches light and teasing. She tosses her hair to one side and bends down, and I feel her lips on my skin. Her kisses are better than the medicine, I decide. She kisses my throat and down my chest, her tongue darting out to wrap around my nipple and I let out a shiver. She kisses my bellybutton and I swear my cock jumps to attention in a millisecond. She goes back to massaging the medicine into my arms and I twitch uncomfortably. She has to know what she is doing to me. The smug grin she is trying to hide confirms it. I feel her fingers under the waistband of my pants and I sit straight up. She raises a brow and looks remarkably calm. Little minx. 

“You want me to put some on your legs, don’t you?”

“Um…y-yes. But you can just push them up a little--“

“I can’t get to them that way. Lift your hips.” Swallowing, I do as she says and she pulls my pants off, leaving me in my boxer briefs with absolutely no way to hide how turned on I am. She glances down and I see that smirk return. She clears her throat and my head hits the pillow as I close my eyes, doing everything I can to think of something else. But when I open my eyes, her face is just inches from my center and I release some kind of groan of longing. She ignores it and uses her knuckles to massage my inner thighs, so very close to where I want her hands to end up. 

“Do you want me to take off your leg?” Her voice is softer and she looks sad. She’s always blamed herself for my lost leg. When in fact she saved my life. I shake my head and lean up just a little.

“I’m fine. I’ll take it off later.” I don’t tell her that I will need it if I intend to fuck her senseless and that’s where I hope the evening will lead to. She nods and finishes up with my legs. My scars tingle pleasantly and I sigh, as she leans over and places the jar on the table. She’s sitting between my legs, just staring at me and I swallow awkwardly.

“Anything else you need massaged?” Oh shit. I’m sure she can just see me twitching through my underwear.

“Um…n-no?” But she just shrugs and leans over to turn off the light.

“Ok. Night then. Thanks for the medicine.” Wait. WHAT? Is she really doing this to me? I look over and see her lying down on her side and settling down to go to sleep. 

No. Fucking. Way.

I flip her onto her back and hover over her, my hands trapping hers over her head. Her eyes are wide and filled with desire and that annoyingly adorable smirk is back at her lips.

“Took you long enough,” she mutters. 

“Are you trying to kill me,” I groan, kneeing her legs apart. 

“I was trying to do other things but I’m not a good seductress.” I lean down and take her lower lip into my mouth, biting gently.

“You just have no idea what you do to me.” She lifts her knee and rubs against my arousal and my eyes slam shut.

“I think I have a pretty good idea,” she whispers slyly. My eyes narrow and I reach between us, spreading her legs even wider. Two can play this game. She is already so wet that my fingers easily slip right in. She tosses her head back and moans my name, which I’ll admit, just makes me harder. I decide I’m done with her teasing and it’s time to return the favor. I slide my fingers up and down, slowly and can tell she is getting frustrated.

“Peeta.”

“Hm?” 

“Stop…teasing,” she says through gritted teeth which makes me chuckle. I lean down and suck at her neck, relishing the taste of her. I start pumping my fingers in and out and feel her jerk her hips. But it’s not enough. I know it’s not. And I’m not ready for her to come yet, so I withdraw my fingers and ignore her frustrated cry. 

“Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it,” I say before I claim her lips as my own. I release her hands and feel her leaning me back until my head hits the pillow again. She breaks our kiss and moves down to suck on my nipples, while her hand rests directly over my underwear. I thrust into her hands and she smiles against my skin. Her hair tickles as she goes lower and lower, until her fingers pull at the band of my underwear and I help her slide them down my legs. She gives me an appreciative look before she lowers her head and I feel her tongue just graze my tip. My hands fist in her hair as she starts to take me completely in her mouth and I struggle to hold on for as long as I can. Her eyes meet mine and I’m gone. I barely have time to utter her name before I’m exploding in her mouth. At first I’m afraid that she’ll be upset but she smacks her lips and gives my cock a good long lick before she comes back up to me. 

“Fuck Katniss,” I manage to gasp out.

“There’s an idea. Why don’t you fuck me, nice and slow?” My jaw drops at her brazenness and my head sinks into the pillow.

“Give me a second, love, I need to catch my breath.” 

“Catch it fast.” She straddles me and my hands fly to her hips, as I feel her wetness on my chest. Oh this could be fun. I pull her up and start to slide down underneath her. She casts me a confused look but my face is already at her center and my tongue darts out to taste her. She screams and her hands shoot out to clutch the bed frame. My hands move up her stomach, slowly, and cup her breasts as my tongue slides up and down her slit. Her knees are clamping down on my ears but I feel like I could stay here, in this moment, for the rest of my life. The noises that are coming from my girl are inhuman. Small, lustful squeaks as she grinds against my mouth. She bends backwards and I feel her hands on my stomach, drifting lower as she bends even more. The sounds she is making make me come alive again and her hand caressing me is only fueling the fire. I grip her hips tightly, bringing her closer so I can thrust my tongue completely inside her. I guess she’s not expecting that because she lets out a stream of curse words with my name between them. She leans forward and places her hands on the wall, steadying herself so I can hold onto her more firmly. I eagerly lap her up, paying attention to her moans and cries. When I feel her start to jerk over me, I turn my attention to her clit and tug it into my mouth.

“Fuck! Peeta! FUCK!” My mouth latches onto her and I devour her essence. She collapses forward, bracing herself with her hands against the wall. I wrap my arms around her waist and lean up to kiss her. I always think it’s so hot when she kisses me like this, tasting herself on my lips. Her fingers wind around my curls and tug and she scoots lower, grinding against me. I hastily reach into the drawer and pull out a condom and she takes it from me. When she has it unwrapped, she rolls it over me and grips me as she slides down over me. We both let out deep moans as we are joined again and she starts to ride me furiously, her small breasts bouncing up and down as she takes me inside her. It’s the most glorious sight I have ever beheld. My fingers grip her hips tightly as I thrust up into her and I know I won’t last long. She feels too damn good, surrounding me. Her wet walls flutter and I feel her clench around me. Damn that didn’t take long. She leans down to kiss me and tugs my lip with her teeth.

“Come inside me, Peeta.” With a strangled cry, I jerk my hips and feel myself explode. I can pretend that it’s inside her and not in the condom and I pull out of her and toss the condom in the trash. We’re both heaving and she collapses on my chest, her hair damp and tangled. 

“I must look a mess,” she gasps. She’s the most beautiful mess I have ever seen. Skin flushed pink, chest heaving with her breasts moving up and down, her hair a crown of tangles, and a wide smile, all because of me and what we just did. I tenderly stroke her back as we lay together, drifting off to sleep.

“Katniss?” I’m afraid that she’s already fallen asleep and I regret opening my mouth.

“Hm?” She sounds like she’s already halfway to dreamland.

“What, er, happened…after I left the Bakery? Did you meet with Thom?”

“I told him we would call him when you were ready,” she says as she attempts to hide a yawn. “I thought you could call him tomorrow and let him know what you’d like to do, so you don’t have to be there at the site just yet. He gave me plans to bring home to you, so we can look over them.” I glance sideways at her and feel my heart full to the brim for love for this girl. If I had thought I loved her when I was 5, I was fooling myself. I think I’m finally understanding the difference between loving someone and being in love. 

And I am definitely, unequivocally in love with Katniss Everdeen.


	20. Chapter 20

I wake before Peeta, which sort of surprises me. I glance out the window and realize it’s the first time I have woken up before the sun in a long time. I give him a soft kiss on the cheek before I slide out of his arms and my feet hit the cold wood floor. I quickly dress and hurry downstairs, grabbing my bow and game bag and quietly as I can, slip out the door. 

The morning proves successful as I make it back to Victor’s Village with two rabbits and a turkey. I know Sae will be able to use most of this meat but it will make some good dinners for Peeta and me as well. I stop to talk to Thom before heading back and I tell him of Haymitch’s idea. He agrees and promises to gather the Mellarks’ remains and dig a gravesite at the meadow for them. I thank him and tell him I will tell Peeta about it today. Perhaps we can have a funeral at sunset, which is Peeta’s favorite time. 

Remembering yesterday’s incident, I walk into my old house and lock my door behind me and set to skinning and preparing the animals. When I finish, I go up and take a shower and hurry out of my quiet house. It’s too eerie to stay over there by myself for long. But if it’s what I need to do to keep Peeta and I safe, I’ll endure the silence for a few hours.

Peeta is kneading dough when I walk in and he looks up and smiles in relief. I take a moment to appreciate the view, as he is leaning over the counter in only his blue boxers. The way his muscles flex as he kneads and the way he leans into the counter, makes me remember how he looks when he is leaning over me, thrusting deep into me over and over.

“Hey you.” I make my way to him and kiss him briefly on the lips before I deposit my game bag on the floor.

“I’m sorry I left before you woke up but I wanted to really hunt today.”

“I was worried for a second but then realized where you must have gone. Any luck?”

“Lots,” I say with a smile as I hold up my full bag. “Rabbit and turkey. I’m going to drop one of the rabbits at Sae’s. Would you like to come with me?” 

“Sure. I called Thom and asked him to meet with me about the plans.” I raise my brow and want to ask but don’t know how. As usual, Peeta knows exactly what I’m thinking.

“We’re meeting him at the Hob. I can’t…I don’t want to go the bakery again just yet. Give myself a few days.” I nod and lean in to kiss him again. This one is longer and I let him know how proud I am of him with this kiss. How much I love him. He smiles and looks a little dazed when I pull away.

“I think that’s smart,” I say softly. “Do you want me to go with you?”

“I was hoping you would. We can drop the meat by Sae’s before we go.” I nod and wrap my arms around his bare waist. 

“That means you’ll have to wear clothes.” He pretends to pout, which just makes me laugh.

“And here I thought I could just stay in my underwear all day.”

“I’d much prefer that but if we are going to leave the house, we should probably be decent.”

“Who expects decent? I’m a raving mad Victor, remember?” My smile falls and I know he senses the tension.

“Don’t, Peeta,” I say softly, almost warningly and I see his Adam’s apple bob up and down nervously. 

“What are you baking?” It’s a terrible attempt at changing the subject but I can tell we both need it. He’s looking quite strained and I imagine I probably am too. He returns to his kneading.

“Just making a tart for dinner tonight.” 

“I wonder if Johanna has left yet.” He nods.

“She called me earlier to let me know she’s stopping in 4 to see Annie. You know she had her baby, right?” I feel my throat tighten and nod. The news had come not long ago, from who else but my own mother. She wouldn’t stay and care for me but she went to 4 with Annie and took care of her. I suppose I’m selfish to say I was angry with her. My own mother caring for another woman. But I have to remind myself that Annie was all alone, after Finnick…

So was I. I was all alone, damn it. Peeta stayed in the Capitol and I had no idea if he was coming back. I’d been used to my mother’s lack of maternal care by the time of the Reaping. But this was a different kind of hurt.

Peeta, always in tune with my emotions, reaches out to me and pulls me to his chest.

“Hey,” he says soothingly. “We don’t need her around. We’ve got each other. I can protect you just fine.”

“I know you can,” I agree with him. “But…it just hurts that she--“

“I know. But we’re doing fine, aren’t we?” I reach up and caress his face and watch him relax.

“We’re more than fine,” I assure him. He smiles and leans down to kiss me, his hands running through my hair.

“Let me just get dressed and we can go. Can you grab the plans for me?”

“Of course.” His footsteps are heavy on the stairs as he rushes up to the bedroom to change and I find the rolled up blueprints in the living room. When he comes back,   
I bite my lip and stare at the floor. I feel him watching me.

“Peeta, there’s something that you should know.” He’s silent, waiting for me to continue.

“Since the bakery site is being cleaned up for you, Thom, um…Thom found your family.” He tenses and his eyes are wide. I immediately to go him and wrap my arms around his waist. 

“We thought…it would be nice to have a little funeral and put them to rest. Properly.” His eyes are filled with tears and I hold him tight. I feel him starting to shake and I pull him even closer.

“You don’t have to, of course. I just thought it would be nice--“

“No,” he croaks. “I want to do it. I need to say goodbye to them.” 

“Peeta--“ I start but I realize I don’t know what to say. What is there to say really? How would I feel if I were burying Prim? Well...I don’t know what ever happened to all those bodies in the Capitol. I never asked. 

I bite my lip and feel him stroke my cheek.

“Thank you, Katniss. For always thinking of me.” I feel intensely guilty at his words. He and I both know I haven’t always thought of him. He’s too kind for saying so. But I don’t correct him. I take his hand and kiss his palm and bring it back to my cheek. He kisses the top of my head before he takes my hand and leads me outside.

We hold hands the whole time we are in town and I notice we are getting even more stares. Sae is excited that we have brought her meat but her hand flies to my cheek and she looks worried.

“Child, what have you done to yourself?” Peeta tenses up next to me and I squeeze his hand.

“I fell when I was out hunting. But it doesn’t hurt, Sae. Peeta has been taking wonderful care of me.” Sae smiles and gently pats his cheek.

“Of course he has. You’re a good boy, Peeta. You take care of my Katniss, you hear?”

“Always will, Sae,” he assures the old woman. Sae smiles and returns to her customers and we say our goodbyes.

“I’m glad to see Sae is doing well with her restaurant,” Peeta says as we make our way to the Hob. I nod in agreement. Sae decided to open a restaurant several months ago and Brent helped her with obtaining land. Now that she doesn’t have to cook with scraps of whatever we can find, people actually love eating her food. And it gives her something to do besides watching her granddaughter all the time. 

“I’m glad to see the district is healing,” I say quietly. “It’s not just us but the entire district. I don’t recognize so many places. Look at the Hob! I have never seen it this busy.” We watched as people rushed by, holding onto their purchases or running over to particular stalls. It was no longer a black market. People could actually buy and trade now. We were right. Panem was truly healing and it was because of us. Us and all those that we have lost. Peeta squeezes my hand, as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking, and he spots Thom at one of the stalls.

“Morning Peeta! Miss Katniss,” Thom nods to both of us. They shake hands and I hand Thom the plans that I am carrying. While they look over the sheets of blueprints, I wander to the many stalls that are now set up. I’m amazed to see what people are selling. It’s not just odds and ends anymore. It’s home-made items, like blankets and drapes and furniture. Glenn Brells, who was a miner with Gale, has always been wonderful at carpentry. He has an entire stall set up with wooden furniture and woodcarvings. I wander from stall to stall, transfixed. 

At the end of the row I stop next to a stall that is selling beautiful glass art. I stare at a delicate glass flower, amazed by how the sun hits it and sends rainbows all over the ground. At first I was afraid that it was a rose but upon closer inspection, I discovered that it is closer to a primrose than an actual rose. It’s beautiful and the craftsmanship is extraordinary. I feel rather than hear him come up behind me and feel arms wrap around my waist.

“That’s really beautiful,” he whispers into my hair. I nod.

“All of these glass things are. But this is my favorite. If only they had a dandelion,” I grin as I turn into him and kiss his cheek. He smiles, his eyes still on the glass flower. The woman comes over to us and bows her head. 

“I’d like this one please,” Peeta says loudly, motioning toward the flower and pulling out his wallet. My hand flies to his wrist.

“Peeta, no. You don’t have to.”

“I know I don’t. But what is the use of having all these winnings if I can’t spend them on pretty things for my girl?” I can’t help but smile. Most Seam people could never accept a gift like this. Especially from a Merchant. But his words are what makes it ok, his term “my girl” make me giddy. So I smile and kiss him and he pulls back, breathless. 

“If you’re going to kiss me like that every time I buy you something, I’ll buy you this whole market.” I grin and wrap my arms around his waist. He accepts the box from the lady and nods his thanks before he wraps his arms around me and leads me out of the Hob.


	21. Chapter 21

I fidget in my suit and pull at my collar. I’ve worn a lot tighter, in the Capitol, and maybe that’s what is upsetting me. These clothes remind me of when they dressed me up in the Capitol, when I had to do propos for them. When they wanted me to try to save Katniss by telling her to cease fire. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jump.

“I’m sorry,” she says meekly. 

“It’s fine,” I breathe as I pull her into my arms. I’m beyond grateful that I have her by my side today. I don’t think I would make it through otherwise.  
Katniss told me that Thom found my family and she proposed the idea of burying them in the meadow. At first I was against the idea…it seemed wrong just tossing them on top of our neighbors in one big mass grave but Katniss said that Thom had dug a little spot that was separate from the pit. I’m extremely touched and grateful for this and agreed we should have something of a proper funeral. Since I never got to say goodbye to them, this seems appropriate.   
When we get outside, Haymitch is coming down his porch, wearing an old suit of his. I’m surprised and quite touched. He claps my shoulder.

“Didn’t want you kids to be alone today.” 

“Thanks Haymitch.”

We walk to the meadow together and I see Delly and Sae there as well. Katniss squeezes my hand, when I notice I haven’t released her hand the whole time.

“I didn’t think you would want a big affair but these are our family and they knew them too.” I nod in agreement. Delly comes up to hug me and I blink back tears. The grave is freshly dug and there is a crude sort of headstone that says Mellark on it.  
They’re not in an unmarked grave and this gives me some comfort. Even though most of District 12 cannot afford gravestones and are marked with a piece of bark or a pebble from the stream, I appreciate this gesture. I drop to my knees in front of the fresh soil and stare down, suddenly wondering how much of them Thom was able to find. 

I feel sick and squeeze my eyes shut. I feel Katniss’s hand on my shoulder and I reach up and squeeze it. I feel her love flowing through me and it gives me strength. Haymitch, Sae, and Delly stand behind us, a little ways off and I silently say my farewells to my family. I had already come to terms I would never see them again. After all, I was going into the Quell prepared to die. I had said my goodbyes and my father said he understood. My brothers pleaded for me to just try to come home but I made my father promise to take care of Prim and Mrs. Everdeen if anything happened to Katniss. He promised to do so and then he hugged me. 

I look up at the sky and see it is my favorite shade of orange right now. So many beautiful colors paint the clouds. Reds and oranges and yellows and a little bit of a dark indigo as night is coming out soon. 

It’s peaceful. It’s a nice spot to lay them to rest. 

“I love you. All of you,” I whisper before I struggle to my feet. Katniss helps me up and I turn to face my friends.   
Delly sniffles as she comes forward to say farewell and she kisses my cheek before she hurries away. Sae gives me a big hug and tells me I am my father’s son. Patting my cheek gently, she too walks back toward town. Now it’s only Haymitch, Katniss, and me. Katniss has a bundle of dandelions in her hands and she places them over the grave. When she comes back to me, she wraps her arm around my waist and rests her head on my arm. We three stand there, staring at the grave for the longest time, before Haymitch is the first to turn away. Katniss takes my hand and kisses my knuckles.

“Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Mellark,” she says loudly and I turn to look at her. “Thank you for bringing this perfect person into the world. I will do everything in my power to take care of him. I promise.” My eyes fill with tears and I pull her in for a hug. Her arms wrap around my neck and she breathes softly.

“Let’s go home,” I say into her hair and I feel her nod. We clasp hands and she leads me back to our home.  
Our home. District 12 has always been where I’ve lived but I’ve found home in Katniss’s arms. 

 

“Katniss, you home?” I stomp the snow off my shoes before I go into the house and sigh at the warmth of the room. 12 has been getting colder and colder and the walk from the bakery to Victor’s Village is starting to destroy me. But I can’t help the flushed cheeks and the excited grin I have every time I come home from the construction. It’s coming along nicely and I cannot wait until Katniss sees the finished product. It’s been several months since Thom assembled a construction crew to start and they have come really far in such a short time. And in those months, Katniss and I have just grown closer. She moved her things out of her house and into mine and hardly goes over there anymore, except when she’s been hunting and she needs to prepare the meat. We don’t speak about that god-awful day but I know that’s why she’s started to do this. I want to tell her that it’s ok, to just work over here but I’m terrified that I’ll have another flashback and hurt her again. I haven’t had one since that day. If I feel close to one, I dig my fingernails into my palms and let it pass. If Katniss is near me, she wraps her arms around me and presses my head into her chest. It makes me feel safe and loved, knowing she’s close by and so protective of me. I hang up my coat and scarf by the door and glance at the dark kitchen.

Ok, that’s strange. She should be home. She can’t be hunting, it’s too cold for anything. And it’s nearly dark anyway.

“Katniss?” I walk through the house, feeling dread start to set in. It’s too dark for my liking. Too silent.  
I finally find her in front of the fireplace, stretched out on her stomach and sobbing into her arms.

“Katniss!” I drop to my knees next to her and scoop her up into my arms. She automatically curls up and wraps her arms around my neck. I sigh against her hair and reach up to wipe away her tears.

“What’s wrong, love?” It’s then that I notice the large brown book a few inches away. I reach over and flip it over and suck in a breath. 

“Oh Katniss,” my arms tighten around her and she’s sobbing into my chest.

“I…I tried…writing about some of her favorite things…I couldn’t even write her name.”

“Katniss, sweetheart, I thought we agreed we were going to wait awhile before we added her to the Memory Book? And why were you doing this without me? You could have waited until I got home.”

“It’s been ages, Peeta. And I still can’t say her name. What is wrong with me?” 

“Nothing is wrong with you,” I assure her. “Pain takes a long time to heal. Some hurts never heal. You have to give it time, Katniss. Don’t push yourself and make it worse. You have come so far and I am so proud of you. She would be too.” Her sobs cease but she continues to hold onto my shirt with a death-grip. I hold her in my lap for as long as she wants. I see the fire barely flickering and I notice how cold this room is. When I feel how cold her skin is, I shake my head.

“Here, I’m going to stoke the fire. Sit here for a minute.” I deposit her on the floor, against the couch, and I move to the fireplace, putting more logs on and watching the flames build. A month ago, the sight would have made Katniss have a screaming fit. Haymitch had come running over, probably terrified that I was trying to kill her. But the sight of the flames had caused her to run out of the house, screaming, and it took hours for us to get her back inside and calmed down. After that, I learned that I had to be careful. But as we moved into the colder months, she adapted and I felt so proud of her for how far she had come. I curled up on the floor next to her and pulled her into my arms again. I reached behind us for the blanket on the couch and draped it over both of us. I could see the flames flickering in her eyes and I softly kissed her cheek, afraid to disrupt the calm. 

“Let’s put the book away for tonight, ok? We’ll work on it, together, tomorrow.” She nodded and I leaned over and closed the book. 

The Memory Book had been Katniss’s and Aurelius’s idea. I know he was relieved that she seemed so enthusiastic about it. She had the idea that she wanted to remember everyone. We were to write about anyone and everyone and I attempted to draw a picture next to her descriptions. It became our project, like the plant book, and helped us grow together even more. We invited Haymitch into the project and after several evenings of pleading with him, he walked in and said in the most solemn voice, “Maysilee Donnor, District 12.” And he had walked out with a bottle clutched in his hand. When he had returned the following evening, he told us everything he could about Maysilee. 

We added Rue a few weeks ago and it was one of the worst breakdowns I’ve seen her have. I held her all night, refusing to release her for fear of what she would do. The next morning, she had withdrawn completely and refused to move from the bed. Two days of this and I couldn’t do anything to help her. I cried and begged and pleaded for her to eat, to get up, to come back to me. Nothing I did helped. I had gone outside and clipped a primrose from the garden I had planted for her next to the house. I dropped the flower into her lap and she looked up at me with a blank expression.

“She would not want this for you, Katniss. Prim would want you to keep on living. Rue told you that you had to win. She wanted you to live. Both girls are safe now and watching over you. Don’t insult their memories by destroying yourself.” Having nothing else to say, I had left. When I returned, I found her showered and dressed, sitting on the couch and flipping through the book. She had launched herself at me and I have to say it was one of the most intense lovemaking sessions we had, right there in the living room floor, right in front of this very fireplace. I grin as I remember how loud she had screamed my name that night. I swear that the windows were rattling. 

Katniss shifts next to me and I glance at her out of the corner of my eye. She pulls her hair around to one side and leans her head on my shoulder.

“How is the bakery coming along?” She asks in an exhausted voice.

“Really good! I’m going to order some ovens tomorrow. Thom says it should be completed by the beginning of spring.”

“Peeta, that’s wonderful.” I smile as she attempts to stifle a yawn. Moving quickly, I sweep her into my arms and stand up.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” 

I carry her up to our room and gently put her to bed. Leaning over, I give her a soft kiss on the forehead before I turn to leave. I desperately need a shower and to change for bed. I feel her small hands gripping my arm and see her lip trembling.

“Don’t go. Will you stay with me until I fall asleep?” I smile and kick my shoes off, getting ready to climb into bed with her. When I pull her to me, I notice she is shivering pretty violently.

“Katniss?” I stare down at her, a worried expression coming over my face. She buries herself in my shirt and I wrap my arms around her, shielding her from the cold. But it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. If anything, her shivering is worsening. 

“Katniss, what’s wrong?” 

“I don’t feel so great,” she says in a muffled voice, not looking up from my chest.

“Yeah, I got that. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I just don’t feel well, Peeta,” she snaps. She finally looks up at me and her eyes fill with tears. “Oh Peeta, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--“

“It’s fine,” I stop her. I’ve been with her long enough to know and understand her mood swings. I’m probably the only person in the world who will tolerate them. Haymitch certainly loses it when he has had enough. He leaves our house, screaming about the “fucking Mockingjay” (his words, not mine). I think Haymitch and Katniss like to see how they can rile each other up. They’re too much alike and that’s something I learned a long time ago. I lean down to kiss her head and tell her to stay there.

I hurry into our bathroom and get the water running. It doesn’t take long to fill up my enormous tub and I tiptoe back to our room, surprised that she’s almost asleep.

“Hey,” I say softly, bending down to pick her up. “Let’s take a bath.”

“Mmm, k,” she replies and I chuckle softly before kissing her cheek. I carry her into the bathroom and pull off her shirt. I help her out of her pants and underwear and watch her slide into the tub, sighing when the warm water hits her chilled skin. I quickly toss my own clothes aside and prop my prosthetic against the wall before sliding in behind her. She leans against my chest, her head resting below my chin, and I feel her relaxed and limp.

“You need anything?” I ask her, reaching up to stroke her arms.

“No,” she says in a soft voice. “This is all I need, right here.” She pulls my arms around her and holds on tight. I kiss her cheek before I rest my head on her shoulder and we enjoy the warmth and relaxation of the hot water.

 

I can’t help but shiver when I get out of the tub and instantly wonder if I have left a window open somewhere. I help her dress in a warm nightshirt and pants and she pulls on one of my old jackets as well. I decide to make us some hot chocolate and I leave her in the bed, bundled up under the blankets. I quickly set to making the drinks and check the house for any drafts coming in. When I find none, I take the two steaming mugs back upstairs and stop in the doorway. She’s gone from the bed. 

“Katniss?” I try not to let the fear flood my voice but I just left her here. She pops up from under the blankets and I have to laugh at the sight of her messy hair in her eyes, her sleepy expression, and her scowl.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” I say quickly, leaning down to kiss her hair. I hand her the mug and she sips slowly. We talk late into the night (actually I do most of the talking as she is just completely worn out and I still haven’t asked her what she did all day to get this tired) and when we are finished, I set the mugs on the bedside table. I notice she has set up some of her things on this table. There’s the glass flower I purchased for her at the Hob, a picture of her father, the locket I gave her in the Quarter Quell, opened to pictures of her mother and Prim. The picture of Gale has been removed and I can’t say I’m too disappointed by this change. There’s a single blue ribbon, I believe that had belonged to Prim. I notice the tiniest object last. A simple iridescent pearl, lying against the picture frame. I pick it up and roll it between my fingers. I remember when I gave her this. I remember how I felt, how I was pleading for her to just let me die for her. I’m sort of surprised that she still has it. I turn to look down at her as she rests on my chest and I smile.

“You’ve kept this, all this time?” Katniss opens her eyes and glances up.

“Of course. It was my last gift from you before I lost you.” I set the pearl down and hug her tighter.

“You didn’t lose me,” I remind her. 

“I did though,” she says, her voice weak with exhaustion. “And when you were captured, I held onto that pearl as if it was your life in my hands. I took it out and held it to my lips, wishing you were there, imagining that you had returned to me. I’ve never let it out of my sight. I might lose you again if I ever lose it.” She lets out a violent cough that makes both of our bodies shake. I bring the blankets around her and will my strength and warmth into her. She shudders as she lays her head on my chest.

“I love you, Peeta,” she says as she drifts into sleep. I softly stroke her hair and watch her sleep. Those three little words still take my breath away. They still make my heart race as much as they did on the first day she said them. I cannot imagine my life without her. And each day, I fall more and more in love with her. That night, I dream of a beautiful little girl with grey eyes and blonde curls. When she sings, the birds stop to listen and I sit there in front of her, captivated. When she turns to look at me, she has a smile that I see in the mirror. I feel my heart stop as I stare into the eyes of my daughter.

 

When I wake, I’m surprised that Katniss is still next to me. She has been leaving earlier and earlier in the mornings, long before I’m up. She doesn’t have to hunt for survival anymore but she has made it her mission to hunt for the district. She gives meat to Sae for the restaurant and takes even more of it to the orphanages around 12. She has even sent meat to surrounding districts, enough to feed them for a week. I notice that she has rolled away from me and is curled up in the blankets. Probably why I was so cold last night. Grinning, I bend down to search for her face and adorn it with kisses. But when I remove the blankets, I immediately know something is wrong. She is shivering worse than ever and she has turned pale and icy. She looks like she did when I found her in that sinkhole all those months ago. 

“Katniss?” She doesn’t answer me, doesn’t even look at me. Fear courses through me as I bring my hand to her head. She’s burning up and yet her skin feels like ice. I seem to remember this happening before, when I was young. Delly’s brother and sister. Merchants still got sick, I won’t pretend everything was perfect in our part of the district. But we were better off than the Seam and yet that was where the Healer lived. Mrs. Everdeen stored her own herbs and was constantly busy with the sick and wounded. When Delly’s siblings were struck with the sickness, their mother was frantic with worry. She wanted to call Mrs. Everdeen immediately but Mr. Cartwright said no, he would not call on a Seam woman. I thought the man was an idiot and we watched as her sister got worse, until her skin lost all color and Delly said it was like touching a block of ice. Her coughing worsened until she started to cough blood. Finally, Mr. Cartwright had consented and Mrs. Everdeen came to inspect the girl. But it was too late. Delly’s sister died not fifteen minutes after Mrs. Everdeen arrived. She was able to save her brother, though. She ground up some herbs and made him drink a healing tea. His cough got better, he shivered less, and he was better in several days.

I shiver as I remember the sight of Delly’s sister in bed, her eyes wide open, blood staining her nightgown. I hadn’t been able to console Delly. I had held her tightly and tried to get her out of the house but she wouldn’t leave her sister’s side. I look down at Katniss and see her body shake as she coughs into the blankets. I shake my head as I back away from the bed. No. No this can’t be happening.  
I cannot lose her! Not now, not ever. She’ll hate me for doing this but I don’t care. I run to our study and quickly dial the number that is beside the phone.   
Before the War, not a lot of people had phones. Now more do and I am grateful that she decided to keep one in 4 where she is staying. I wait impatiently, gripping the table with white knuckles. 

“Everdeen residence,” comes a smooth, soft voice.

“Mrs. Everdeen. It’s Peeta.” There’s silence and I pray she doesn’t hang up on me.

“Mrs. Everdeen, Katniss is very sick. I’m…I’m really scared.” She asks me to describe the symptoms and when I do she falls quiet again.

“Has she opened her eyes this morning, Peeta?”

“No ma’am. She’s just lying under the blankets, shivering.” I hear her sigh heavily.

“I couldn’t possibly tell you which herbs to get. I doubt they even have many of them.”

“Sae has a lot of things. And the Hob may have something,” I say loudly. Is she really giving up on her daughter?

“No. I brew some very special things and that cure is difficult to brew. I’ll take the first train out of 4 and be there as soon as I can.” I feel relief wash over me. I knew, as bad as the woman may be, she would never give up on her only remaining daughter. I thank her and run back to Katniss. Mrs. Everdeen told me to put a cold towel on her and keep her body warm. I make sure she is bundled up and I set a cold cloth on her face. She whimpers and turns her head and I stroke her brow.

“It’ll be alright, Katniss. I’ll help you through this. Because you have helped me so much. Now it’s my turn. It’s my turn to take care of you.” I need someone to meet Mrs. Everdeen at the station but I can’t leave Katniss. That leaves one person and I hurry back to the study to call him. I wind up calling five times before I give up. I swear, if something happens to Katniss while I’m gone, I will murder the man with my bare hands. I kiss Katniss on the forehead and wince at how hot she is. 

“I’ll be right back,” I whisper before running down the stairs and across to Haymitch’s.

The damn phone is still ringing when I get inside. The awful stench of his house reaches my nostrils and I nearly gag. He’s passed out at the table, his fingers curled around a bottle. I decide to take Katniss’s lead and I toss a tankard of water over him, leaping out of the way as he jumps up with a knife in hand.

“What the hell, boy? You’re turning into her now? You’re going to give me pneumonia!”

“If you answered your damn phone, I wouldn’t have to drown you,” I shout back. He sits back down, grumbling.

“Haymitch, I need you to get your shit together. Mrs. Everdeen is due to arrive at the train station soon and I need you go meet her.” He squints up at me.

“Come again? Why is that lovely woman gracing us with her presence?” He hasn’t forgiven her for turning her back on Katniss, I guess. It bothers me too, as I know it hurt Katniss, but she is the only person who can help.

“Katniss is sick. I mean really sick. I thought she was the best person to call.”

“It didn’t occur to you to call a doctor? 12 does have those now. What will sweetheart say when she finds out you called her mother? The woman who abandoned her when she needed her most?”

“I don’t care!” I shout, tears welling in my eyes. I impatiently wipe them away and glare at Haymitch. “At least she’ll be alive to yell at me. I’m losing her, Haymitch! I’d deal with fucking Alma Coin if I thought it would make her better.” Haymitch shakes his head and sighs. I think he knows that Mrs. Everdeen is Katniss’s best chance too. 

“Ok. I’ll go get her. You get back to your girl. We will be there soon.”

“Thank you.” He rises and claps me on the shoulder. 

“You know, you never would have yelled at me before,” he says thoughtfully. I stare at him and he picks up his empty bottle, studying it. “Just reminds me how much they changed you. How much it’s my fault.” I swallow deeply. Now is not the time to play sentimental blame game with Haymitch. I shake my head and reply with, “remember it was me who attacked you on the train when we first met you. Not her.” He merely grunts as I make my way back to my house.   
I try to get Katniss up so she can eat something. But she hasn’t moved from that spot and I notice flecks of blood on the sheets from her coughing. Usually the sight would most likely send me hurling into a flashback but all I can think about is keeping her here with me. I lay down beside her and pull her into my arms.

“Katniss, listen to me. I know you can still hear me. Stay with me. You promised you wouldn’t leave me again. I will die without you, Katniss, do you understand that? I can’t do this without you. I won’t. Come back to me. Please.” 

Her eyes flutter slightly, as if she wants to open them and look at me but she’s perfectly still.

Around mid-day, I hear the door open and Haymitch calling my name. 

“Upstairs,” I call back and hear their footsteps on the stairs. Mrs. Everdeen enters my room and I can’t help but notice how well she looks. She’s carrying two bags, one clinking with bottles. 

“First of all, we need her sitting up. If she’s lying down, she’ll have drainage in her throat and she won’t be able to breathe properly. Peeta, can you carry her down to the couch? Haymitch, grab those blankets for me. Peeta, do you have any more?”

“Katniss has some at her place. I can run and get those.” She nods while she checks her daughter’s forehead. Her lips purse and I instantly worry. I gather Katniss in my arms and carry her downstairs. Haymitch comes behind, holding all my blankets in his arms and he tucks them in around her when she’s situated on the couch. 

“I’ll go get the blankets from her house,” he says stiffly and I notice how pale he looks. I knew the old man cared about us.   
Mrs. Everdeen sends me to put water on for tea and I busy myself in the kitchen. When I return with the steaming mugs, I watch her fuss over her daughter. I don’t know if it’s mother mode or nurse mode. I never saw my mother worry over us. I remember when I was four, I burned myself on the oven and went crying to her. She shooed me away, telling me to run it under cold water and to stop bothering her. So instead, I ran to my father, who scooped me up and kissed my injured hand. My eyes fill with tears at the memory and I shake myself, willing myself to stay here. I can’t be of any use to Katniss if I keep getting lost in my memories. 

I watch as Mrs. Everdeen stirs the ingredients together, her face stoic the entire time. Haymitch returns with the blankets in his arms and he nudges me gently.

“Aren’t these yours?” I can’t help but smile.

“They are.” I never did get them back. I had completely forgotten about that but suddenly remember the way my heart leaped when I had crawled into bed with her the first night and noticed she was wrapped in my blankets, almost breathing them in. Like she was breathing me in. I notice she sometimes does this when I hold her. She buries her face in my shirt and inhales, a look of peace coming over her face, as if she is trying to fix it to memory. I have to admit, I do the same thing when she’s in my arms. That earthy smell that is all Katniss. It’s what holds me together sometimes.

I shake myself again. Damn it, Peeta, hold yourself together! Katniss lets out a cough and Haymitch shifts beside me. I see him chewing his nails down to the nub and I watch him out of the corner of my eye. As Katniss coughs again, Haymitch loses all color. I can tell that this is affecting him far worse than I ever thought it would. Haymitch views us as his own kids, sometimes. I mean he’s been stuck with us for years but he also understands us in ways no one else can. And it’s that reason that we are family. 

Mrs. Everdeen pours another bottle into the mug and stirs it around. She leans closer to Katniss and puts her hand on her throat. 

“Come on, Katniss, you can beat this. You survived the Hunger Games, twice, and a war. Where is my strong daughter? I know she’s in there somewhere.” I notice that her voice trembles slightly. She brings the tea to Katniss’s lips and tips her head back slightly.

“Come on, dear. Drink.” She scoops out a spoonful of the tea and holds it to her daughter’s lips. I see it trickle down Katniss’s chin. Mrs. Everdeen sighs and sets the tea aside for a moment. 

“Haymitch, I must ask for you to leave for a moment.”

“Why would I do that,” he says loudly, a little defensively. 

“Because we are going to try to sweat out her fever. And it works best when the patient is naked and wrapped in thick blankets, for extra heat.” Haymitch and I both blush. She hasn’t asked me to leave. Not that I would anyway and maybe she knows that but still, it’s unnerving when your girlfriend’s mother knows, or at least suspects, what you’ve been doing with her daughter. I clear my throat and shift awkwardly as she starts to remove Katniss’s shirt. 

“Umm…what…what can I do,” I stammer.

“If you are comfortable with it, finish removing her clothing. I need to mix these vials together. Do you have any mixing bowls?” A stupid question for a baker.

“The cabinet on the far left.” I listen to her heels receding into the kitchen and I move the blankets aside so I can get the rest of Katniss’s clothes off. I can’t help but blush when her mother returns. No ma’am, I’m not completely familiar and comfortable with your daughter’s naked body. 

Oh god help me. Maybe Haymitch was right. I should have called a doctor. 

I feel a hand on my shoulder and Mrs. Everdeen gives me a small smile.

“Relax dear. I’m fully aware of your relationship with my daughter. And I’m very glad it’s you. No one else would treat her with such respect and love.” I nod, too shocked to say anything. It’s no less awkward but at least we have some sort of understanding. And definitely have one thing in common: we both love Katniss very much.


	22. Chapter 22

When I wake up, my throat is sore and dry, my head is pounding, and I need to pee so badly I’m afraid I won’t make it to the bathroom. I sit up slowly and move the blankets aside, setting my feet on the floor. They have been wrapped in fuzzy socks but I’ll ponder that later. I stand up on shaky knees and reach out to grip the wall as I make my way toward the bathroom.

“Katniss!” I freeze in place, my hand clutching the doorframe when I hear his alarmed voice. It’s then that I notice, I’m completely naked. 

I’m standing in the doorway, with absolutely nothing covering me and Peeta is standing in the hall, his eyes popping and his mouth hanging open. 

So what? He’s seen me with no clothes before. I nod to him and turn back around.

“I’ll be right back,” I call over my shoulder as I continue to the bathroom. I hear his heavy prosthetic trying to keep up with me but I reach the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I sigh in relief when I make it just in time. 

When I open the door, I’m feeling a bit more self-conscious than I was a moment ago. But Peeta is standing outside the door, a fluffy robe thrown over his arm. He holds it out and I gratefully pull it around my body. Now that my bladder is empty, I notice how weak I feel. I grip the doorknob tightly and he is there, lifting me into his arms. He carries me back to the couch and kneels between my legs. His eyes are filled with tears as he stares up at me. Why? What’s happened?

“Peeta? What’s wrong?” I reach up to stroke his brow and he captures my hand, pressing it against his face. He lets out something between a laugh and a sob and then   
his arms are around me. 

“Umm…I love you too?” I gasp out but it’s muffled by his protective embrace. 

“I almost lost you,” he gasps and I pull away.

“What?”

“You’ve been really sick, Katniss. You’ve had a terrible fever and you didn’t move for nearly four days. We couldn’t get you to eat and we barely got some soup down your throat. You just…wouldn’t wake up.” He blinks back tears and leans in to hold me again and this time I let him. I can see how much I have scared him. I imagine the cold mornings and the exhaustion are what I can blame. I became obsessed with providing food for everyone in these harsh winter months. Gale and I always hunted for our families and to feed others, if we had the opportunity. Which usually, we didn’t. This is the first time that I don’t have to worry about feeding my own family and so my kills can go to people who need them. But I overdid it, I guess. I got up early in the morning and returned late at night, after dark. I wanted to spend time with Peeta and hear all about the bakery and so I stayed up late. I hadn’t eaten properly, I hadn’t slept, and it all caught up to me. I turn to kiss his damp cheek.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I scared you.” 

“Here,” he says, wiping his tears as he pulls away and he reaches for a mug. “Drink this. We’ve been dripping this down your throat.” I put it to my lips and a familiar smell engulfs me. When I taste it, I gag. 

“Ugh, that’s disgusting,” I screw up my nose but Peeta gives me a stern look.

“Drink it.” I take another gulp and make a face.

“Where did you get this? It tastes like…like..” I look up as I hear heels clicking against the wood floor. Effie?

No. I know where this tea came from. I had it often when I was younger, when I got sick from hunting in the cold.   
It’s my mother’s healing tea. I look up into her tired face and all my breath leaves me. I would have spilled the tea if Peeta hadn’t been so quick to grab it from my shaking hands. 

“Hello Katniss.”


	23. Chapter 23

I feel like that’s my cue to leave but Katniss’s hands are clenching mine so tightly, all I can think is how glad I am that she has no rings on. I squeeze back to assure her I’m not going anywhere and I remain on the couch with her, as she stares up at her mother.

“M-Mom. What are you doing here?”

“Peeta called me when you were stricken. Lucky that he acted so quickly, we were able to catch the plague in plenty of time. How are you feeling?”

“Ok,” she shrugs. “My throat is dry and sore.”

“That’s to be expected,” Mrs. Everdeen nods. “It will be sore for a few days but you need to keep drinking this. And no you may not add any sugar. That would defeat the purpose.” Katniss gives the mug a nasty look and she pouts. I try to hold in my laughter; she looks too adorable and I suddenly have the image of a little Katniss sticking her tongue out at her mother and pouting like she is doing now. Mrs. Everdeen leans forward and places her hand on Katniss’s forehead. I see her shrink back a little and I squeeze her hand again. 

“Your fever’s broken. You’ve managed to sweat it out.”

“Um. Is that why my clothes are gone?”

“Yes, we needed to wrap you up thoroughly and keep the heat in.” Katniss clears her throat and winces. 

“I’ll mix up more tea. There’s some soup on the stove, if you’re hungry?” She nods and I jump to my feet.

“I’ll bring you a bowl.” I lean down to kiss her head and follow Mrs. Everdeen into the kitchen. 

“Thank you,” I say to her as I ladle some into a bowl. “Thank you for coming.”

“I’m glad you called me. It would have gotten very serious very fast if you had called a doctor.” I nod and she turns toward the stove, to prepare more tea.

“I’m glad you came to help her. She needed to know that you’re still there.” I see her tense and immediately bite my lip. Funny thing is, I don’t regret my words. The woman should know how much she’s hurt Katniss. Why does she think Katniss is any less damaged by Prim’s death than she is? She should be here with her daughter; they should be healing together. 

“You can’t understand,” she says a bit coldly without turning to face me. 

“What can’t I understand? My family is dead, Mrs. Everdeen. I lost them in the War. You lost a daughter. Katniss lost a sister. But you haven’t lost each other and yet you stay away from her when she has needed her mother. Not a healer but a mother! Did you come here to treat a patient? Or to take care of your daughter?” Her shoulders are slumped and she reaches out and grips the counter top. I worry that I have gone too far but I’m angry. And I know Haymitch is angry, and even Katniss feels anger as well as pain. 

“She has you, Peeta,” she finally says. I shake my head and hesitantly approach her. When I reach out to touch her shoulder, she flinches but I don’t pull away.

“I’m there when she needs me. I hold her when she has had a nightmare, I bake for her, I share my life with her, and I love her above all else. But I don’t know Prim like you both did. I can’t possibly understand what she meant to Katniss. I know that they were close and I watched them together quite often. But I didn’t lose a sister. You lost a daughter, Mrs. Everdeen, but you still have one, who is trying to rebuild her life. It would be great if her mother would be a part of that life.” I stare at her back for the longest time, until I hear Haymitch calling my name from the hallway. Sighing, I go to greet him and motion for him to continue to the living room.  
He stops when he sees Katniss sitting up and he nearly sinks into the chair.

“Well fuck, sweetheart. Never thought I’d say this but I am happy to see that scowl.” Her scowl deepens and I join in with Haymitch’s laughter. We’re both so relieved to see her recovering that we don’t care that she is shooting us death glares. I collapse on the couch and pull her into my side, before I remember her soup in the kitchen. But as I make to stand up, Mrs. Everdeen is there with the bowl of soup and the mug of tea. She sets them down in front of Katniss and gives her a sad smile.

“Eat. You need to regain some strength. Your body is undoubtedly exhausted by fighting off the sickness.” She looks at me and folds her hands. “I made an entire pot of tea. Make sure she drinks it twice a day for a week at least. If you don’t feel better, Katniss, call me and I will return.” 

“Wait…you’re not leaving, are you?”

“I’ve been away from the hospital for long enough. You’re doing better and I’m leaving you in the best hands.” Katniss tries to stand and I reach out to help her but she swats my hand away.

“But Mom, you…I mean, I just woke up, I haven’t had any time with you. Can’t you…stay an extra day?”

“I’m afraid not, dear.” My heart hardens and I wonder what is going through her head. Haymitch is chewing on his tongue, undoubtedly holding back the rude remarks he has for her. 

“But…perhaps I can come back to see you, in the spring?” She sounds hopeful and Katniss’s eyes widen in disbelief.

“Yes. I’d like that.” The women hug though it’s awkward and Haymitch and I both avert our eyes. I feel like we are trespassing on a private moment and the tension in the room is too thick. I feel like I’m suffocating so I motion to Haymitch and we are both heading out the door. I can’t hear what they are saying but when the door opens, Mrs. Everdeen nods to both of us.

“Thank you for taking such good care of my girl.” We both nod and she steps up to me, her hand resting on my cheek.

“You are the best one for her, Peeta. No one could love her as much as you do. I am thankful that she has you.” 

“Thank you,” I mutter but she’s not finished. She leans closer and our Merchant eyes meet.

“Thank you for fighting it. Thank you for doing everything you could to get back to her. They didn’t break you, Peeta, and one day I will be proud to call you my son-in-law,” she pats my cheek and I blink, shocked. “You are so much like your father.” She gives me another smile, says goodbye to Haymitch, and walks down the steps and out of Victor’s Village.

I am frozen in shock. She knows what I’ve done. When we were in 13, I know she had to have heard about how I acted toward Katniss. What I did to her. She has to know that I nearly murdered her daughter. And yet she stood there and thanked me for returning to her. I feel Haymitch clapping my shoulder and he lets out a low chuckle.

“You ok, kid?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I--you heard all that?”

“Son-in-law,” he grunts and he chuckles again. “If sweetheart ever comes to her senses, and I do think she will, you’ll be calling that lovely woman mother.” My throat tightens and I turn back to him.

“You think she will?” He grins and his eyes sparkle, as if he knows something that I don’t. And he usually does. 

“In time, boy, I definitely see a toasting in your future.”

The thought makes me giddy and light and I walk back inside with a stupid smile on my face. Katniss is sipping at her soup and she looks up when I come back in. 

“Did Haymitch leave too?”

“Yeah, he’s going to feed the geese. He said he’d be back over here later to check on you.” 

“Peeta, I’m sorry that I scared you,” she bites her lip and is looking genuinely guilty.

“It’s not your fault, Katniss. We just have to be careful. I cannot lose you.”

“You won’t.” I lean down to kiss her but she jerks away. “I don’t want to get you sick. I should probably sleep down here, actually. So that I’m not so close to you.” I don’t like the idea of sleeping without her but as I’m getting closer to the opening of the bakery, I can’t really afford to get sick. I sigh and nod and she smiles up at me.

“I heal really fast. You won’t have to take care of me for very long.”

“Katniss, I plan on taking care of you for the rest of our lives,” I tell her honestly. 

 

I’m lying in bed, awake, missing Katniss’s warmth and comfort. I hate this. I hate sleeping alone. I haven’t done it in a long time and I wonder if she’s having as hard of a time as I am. I start to hear strange noises coming from the hall and I stare at the door for the longest time before I fling my leg over the bed, pull on my prosthetic, and cross to the door.

The first thing I notice when I open the door is I am no longer in my house, but on a moving train. What the hell is happening? I continue to make my way down the hall, to wake Katniss. To ask her if she knows what’s going on. I hear grunting and whimpering coming from a closed compartment and I lean closer, frowning. Deciding this dream or whatever it is (am I dreaming?!) couldn’t get any stranger, I open the door a crack and peer in.   
I see two men standing in the corner of the room, taking care of themselves with their meaty hands. Another man is kneeling on the bed, thrusting into a slender girl. Her head is lowered and she seems to be holding in her whimpers and cries. But I can just make out a look of pain on her young face. My knuckles turn white on the doorknob. What am I doing? I should be going in there to help her! These men are hurting her…raping her! I start to move in but her head jerks up and I nearly stumble back. I’m met with wide grey eyes that are filled with tears. But when her gaze meets mine, she gives a little shake of her head as if she is warning me. The man behind her reaches around and his hand closes around her breast, squeezing tightly. I see her wince and lower her head once more. I start to burst in and kill every single one of them but someone stops me. I whirl around to glare into the sad Seam eyes of my mentor. Haymitch sighs and looks into the compartment, shaking his head. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t stop this, kid. I know how much this kills you.”

“Haymitch,” I finally find my voice. “I’ll fucking kill them for touching her.”

“Don’t say that too loudly, Peeta,” he warns. “She belongs who whoever pays for her.”

“She ‘belongs’ to no one,” I growl. “She’s not some kind of fucking sex toy! She’s the love of my life! And she’s…I’m the only one who is able to touch her,” I finish, too flustered to complete a damn sentence.

“In your head only, kid. She’s a desirable Victor. Just like you are. And you have an assignment to get ready for yourself. I’ll let her know when she’s finished that you had to go. She’ll understand. She doesn’t like sleeping alone but she understands when you have to work.” I frown at him until I hear Katniss’s shrill scream behind me.   
But she’s screaming my name. I don’t hesitate. I run in and scoop her into my arms. She’s shaking and sobbing and panting my name. I don’t pay any attention to anyone else in the room. Only to the girl who is clinging to me for dear life. 

My eyes open and I feel vastly confused. I sit up in bed and look around, noting all my belongings. Realizing it was a dream and a horrible one at that, I collapse back on my pillow and squeeze my eyes shut. But then the scream comes. 

The one from my dream. I’m up so fast that I get tangled in the blankets and nearly crash to the floor. But my door is open and I’m running down the stairs toward the scream until I find Katniss thrashing around on the couch. I fall to my knees and pull her close to my chest, my fingers sliding through her hair comfortingly. She gasps and her arms move up and around me, her tears soaking my nightshirt. 

God. We are both so broken, is there any point in trying to fix the other when it seems so hopeless at times? The nightmares we both have just prove how difficult it is to put the past behind us. I hold her until she falls back asleep and I lay her back on the couch. But I don’t return to my bedroom. I sit in the chair beside the couch and reach out to hold her hand. Let her get me sick. At least the nightmares would leave.

I think back to my own dream and shiver. I realize that we were lucky. We weren’t in the Capitol long enough to really be trapped in their terrible lifestyles. But it makes me sick to think of the others being caught in it. Finnick and Annie and Johanna and all the other Victors. If a Victor was considered desirable, they were given as gifts to Capitolites and upstanding citizens of the higher Districts. I would not have been able to handle it if Katniss had been bought and sold like that. And I’m thankful that we ignited the rebellion before we had been in the Capitol for too long. Why did I even dream that in the first place? Katniss’s small hand curls around mine and I feel myself relax. I sink back into the chair and close my eyes. 

The next morning, after I’ve made Katniss drink her mother’s tea, there is silence for the longest time. Finally, after what seems like hours, she speaks.

“You stayed with me last night. Real or not real?”

“Real,” I tell her. “I had a nightmare and woke up to you having one too. So I stayed down here with you. Don’t worry, I didn’t get too close.” She nods and sets her cup aside.

“Thank you,” she says softly. Her voice is still very weak but at least some of her color has returned. I reach over and squeeze her hand and feel her squeeze back. 

“Haymitch told me it was your idea to call my mother.” I wince. She doesn’t look pleased.

“I had to, Katniss. I was so afraid of losing you…”

“Thank you, Peeta,” she interrupts me. “I’m not brave enough to call her and I have missed her. So thank you for doing that.” This surprises me. I know she’s missed her mother. But Katniss is stubborn and she will hold a grudge for a long time. Never get on her bad side, because she will not let go so easily. She sees me bite my lip and she squeezes my hand again. 

“You are still protecting me. Real or not real?” In spite of myself, I have to smile.

“Real,” I whisper back to her before giving her a gentle kiss before she can stop me.

 

Winter is pretty harsh in District 12 and the construction of the bakery is delayed a bit. Not that I can be mad about it; it just gives me more time to prepare and order the necessary supplies. Delly comes to help me out. Since she works in the Mayor’s office, she knows a lot about being in an office and the clerical work that I need done. I don’t think Katniss particularly likes Delly and I being together so much but she never says anything. Since she got sick, she seems to be taking it a bit easier than she used to. Still, she refuses to stop hunting and insists on feeding the whole damn district.

As the seasons change, Katniss and I grow even closer. The only thing that comes between us is my flashbacks. Since we are approaching opening day of the bakery, I am having them all the time now. Small ones, manageable, but still irritating and definitely painful for Katniss to witness. I woke up one night several weeks ago to Katniss curled up in the corner, weeping. She wouldn’t tell me what had happened but later on, I remembered having screamed at her that I would rather die than be in the same house with a Capitol mutt. Though it shows progress that I remember what happened during a flashback, I’d just as soon forget it all. I can’t stand seeing Katniss in pain and knowing that I put her through that just kills me. 

Still, we find a way to go on. We stay busy and we find times to be together. She comes to help me at the Bakery when she can and we work on the Memory Book in the evenings. Life is, dare I say, simple. Simple enough anyway. I know Katniss never wanted this sort of domestic life with anyone but I think it’s growing on her. And the more I think about it, the more I want to ask her to make it official. She’s already told me many times before that she never wants to get married and it’s true, I’ve told her I don’t mind that, but the truth is, I hope she’s changed her mind. 

One morning, I rise before Katniss does and hurry down to bake her cheesebuns. When I come back upstairs, she’s standing in front of our window, getting ready to start her day. I stop in the doorway, completely mesmerized. She’s stark naked, the light hitting her frame perfectly and her long hair cascading down her scarred back. Her back is turned to me so my eyes rake down those perfect curves of hers. I long to lick and kiss those paths of scars. My mouth starts to water and I feel my cock straining against my pants. I set the plate of cheesebuns on the table and quietly as I can, I approach my prey.  
Naturally, the Huntress hears me but it’s too late. I’ve captured her in my arms and claimed her mouth with my own. She moans against my lips and I grow even harder. I don’t waste any time. I have to make her mine. Bending her over the bed, I shove my pants down my legs just enough to let my cock spring free and I rub myself against her. She reaches back and grips my thigh, her nails sinking into my skin. I reach past her and fumble through our drawer, finally finding what I am looking for. I yank open the condom and roll it over myself. With a hiss, I lift her leg and thrust into her with all my might. She nearly buckles underneath me and I hold her up while I continue my assault on her willing body. Her whines and moans only encourage me and we both reach our peaks rather quickly. When I pull away from her, she collapses forward on the bed, her breathing heavy. I gather her in my arms and pull her onto the bed with me, just holding her while we both catch our breath. She looks up at me and her hand strokes my brow.

“Good morning,” she breathes. I can’t help but chuckle. 

“Yes, it is,” I agree. She leans up to kiss me and I feel so elated that I don’t even notice the sun streaming through the window, which means I am very late. She notices the plate of cheesebuns and she sighs, a content look on her face.

“You made breakfast?”

“Of course. And now I’m so late.”

“You chose to partake in alternative activities this morning,” she reminds me. I raise my brow.

“And you weren’t a willing participant in those activities?”

“Does it matter? You’re late and it’s not my fault.” I laugh while she rolls off me and hurries into the bathroom to shower. I don’t have time to have another one so I quickly spray myself with some of the cologne Effie sent me from the Capitol for my belated “welcome home” gift. Katniss isn’t too fond of it but I don’t want to show up to the bakery smelling like Katniss and what we had just done. Well scratch that, I do, but I don’t think anyone else would like it. When she comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, I squeeze my eyes shut as I slide into the bathroom to brush my teeth. She smirks up at me as she removes the towel and slowly moves into our closet. I watch her with a gaping jaw as she swishes her hips and flips her hair over her shoulders. I don’t care what she says, she is a perfect seductress and damn if she doesn’t have me under her spell. 

“Katniss, you’re going to be the death of me one day,” I groan. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says in a mock-innocent voice. I snort and roll my eyes. I have to get out of here. Shaking my head, I turn to leave but feel something push against me and I go flying into the doorframe. Katniss looks up at me with a predatory look in her eyes and I gulp audibly. She’s put on a pair of tight pants but she’s still topless. She reaches up and threads her fingers in my hair before closing them into a fist and yanking on my curls. I squeeze my eyes shut, ignoring my throbbing cock.

“Katniss,” I gasp out but she stops the words from continuing as her lips are pressed against mine. Her breasts are crushed against my chest and she grinds against me, eliciting a gasp and a moan from my throat. I don’t even notice that she is undoing my belt and my zipper until her hand dives into my pants and closes around my heated flesh. I gasp and try to jerk back but she has a firm grip on me.

“K-Katniss!” 

“Do you really want to leave, Peeta? Now?” What the hell has gotten into her?!

“I…I…” I stammer. I become such an incompetent idiot when it comes to this girl. She starts to stroke me and I lose all focus. She lowers to her knees and pulls my shirt up a little so that she can kiss my stomach. I swallow as I look down at her, watching her pull my cock from my pants and take me into her mouth.

“Ah! Shit!” My head slams against the doorframe as I struggle to maintain control of the situation.  
Who am I kidding? I’ve had no control since I came into this room! She grips my hips and pulls me into her. Before I know it, I’m thrusting to her mouth and she’s taking me as deep as she can. When I feel myself hitting the back of her throat, I come to my senses and start to pull out but she grabs me and opens her mouth wider, sinking over me completely before she comes back up for breath. When she looks up at me, I lose it before she takes me into her mouth again. She gives me a disappointed look and I shrug apologetically. What she’s disappointed about, I have no idea, but I feel that I have to explain myself anyway.

“Your mouth is pure magic,” I tell her honestly. She looks surprised for a moment but then stands back up.

“You’re just going to have to make it up to me.” She pushes me back toward the bed and follows me down, her hands pushing my pants around my feet and my shirt up to my chin. Her hand lowers to the front of her pants and when she pulls it back out, her fingers are glistening.

Holy. Shit. 

She smirks at me and holds her hand to my lips. I eagerly suck at her fingers, relishing the tangy taste of her arousal. Only Katniss could ever drive me this crazy. Everything about her, her scent, her taste, her touch, her looks, her love, can send me into oblivion. I start pulling at her pants until I have them down around her ankles and I pull her up my chest so that I can taste her further. I grip her luscious ass as I pull her into me, my tongue exploring every part of her. She writhes over me, against me, as I determinedly bring her to the edge. She collapses over me and I suck on her nipples as I stare up into her eyes. She sits back for a moment, gazing down at me, until she starts to scoot lower. Her ass comes into contact with my hardened length and I jerk my hips upwards. She rubs herself against me for a few moments before rising up and sinking down on top of me. My eyes nearly bulge out of my head as I realize what she’s just done.

“Katniss!” 

“God Peeta, you feel so incredible inside me.” I throw my head back and let out an animalistic groan that I still can’t believe came from me. But the way I feel inside her, without any barriers, is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I knew sex with her was great but this was un-fucking-believable! And I’m too far gone to stop her. To insist that we use protection. To ask her what was going through her head. I know immediately that I’m not going to last long. It’s like making love to her for the first time again. Every time she moves, I feel her wet walls clench me tightly. Every time I thrust upwards, I hit her special spot that make her moans reverberate on the walls. I quickly flip her over without breaking our intimate connection and I fling her legs over my shoulders. She screams at the change of position and I feel her walls flutter around me with no warning. The power of her orgasm hits me and I feel myself seize up.

“Oh god,” I stammer as I hurriedly pull out of her but her legs close around my waist and she pushes me back in.

“I want you to finish inside me,” she gasps, reaching up to grip my face with both her hands. My wide eyes find hers and I’m momentarily speechless. Something is going on. This isn’t the Katniss I know. She reaches down to caress my balls as I increase my thrusts. Blame it on my teenage hormonal urges that I just can’t pull away from her and instead explode inside her for the first time. I come harder than I ever have in my entire life and I collapse on her chest, feeling all breath has completely left me. I feel her heart racing underneath me as she reaches up and her fingers tangle in my sodden curls. We’re slick with sweat and the room smells of our passion. I have a hard time moving, definitely forgetting how late I am. When I finally feel an ounce of strength return, I lift my head off her chest and look her in the eyes.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” She raises a brow and looks bemused.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Katniss. We just had unprotected sex. Do you realize…you know what could happen, don’t you? I mean, is everything…ok?” Oh god. Oh my god, I am coming to my senses now and realize what we have done! Holy shit, why didn’t I stop her?! 

“Everything is fine, Peeta. We weren’t…unprotected.” I stare at her, waiting impatiently for her explanation. Please tell me this isn’t a joke. As much as I want kids with her, we are nowhere near ready for that. 

“I’ve been on birth control for several weeks now.” My jaw drops at her confession. How did I not…I shake my head. It all makes sense now. She has been having some crazy mood swings and she jumps my bones any chance she gets. It’s been going on for several weeks but of course I never questioned it. Why would I complain? I can deny her nothing and definitely won’t deny her my body, if she wants it. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I finally find my voice. She shrugs but she’s avoiding my gaze.

“I didn’t know how to bring it up. Doctor Mersa and I discussed different methods of birth control and she told me that condoms can be ineffective. Plus I wanted…I wanted to feel you inside me, Peeta. I mean all of you. Without anything in the way. I hope you’re not mad,” she adds, biting her lip.

Mad? She’s just given me the best sex of my life. How can I be mad? 

“I’m not mad, Katniss, I just wish you had told me. You know you can always talk to me about anything.” I cup her chin and force her to look up at me. “And thank you,” I add quietly and her brow goes up into her hair. I smile and lean my forehead against hers. 

“That was the most incredible…I have never…I mean, you felt amazing. I’m surprised I held on for as long as I did.” She smiles and kisses me, and my eyes shoot open as she tugs my lower lip into her mouth. Are these birth control pills going to make her horny 24/7? As a teenage boy, I’m definitely ok with this but I have to remember I have responsibilities.

Screw responsibilities. Katniss and I have been through enough to want to take some time for ourselves and just be selfish for once. So without a word, I get up and walk to the study, where my phone is. I dial the Bakery and tell them I’m sick and won’t be coming in today. When I return to my room, Katniss watches me cautiously until I swoop down on her and spread her legs wide so I can devour her. I peer up at her and smile when I see her biting her lip, hard.

“The Bakery isn’t even finished and I’m already pretending to be sick for you.” 

“Fuck Peeta! Just fuck me!” Her dirty mouth only spurs me on. And for the first time in our lives, Katniss and I don’t leave the bed for the entire day. We find new ways to take each other to brand new heights and I’m shocked at some of the things my little mockingjay wants to try. I’ll say this for myself, though. I’m definitely making the mockingjay sing more than once today. I won’t be surprised if Haymitch comes over, or even phones telling us to be quiet. But I relish the way she screams my name as she comes. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world, next to her telling me she loves me. We fall asleep, wake up to make love again, and go back to sleep. It continues for the rest of the day and even though I will have to return to reality tomorrow, I allow myself to indulge in the love of my life for this one blissful day.

 

“My, my, my. Look what they’re doing now,” her voice coos in my ear. I want to slam my eyes shut but they’re being held open by some kind of Capitol device. So I’m forced to stare at the screen where Katniss is writhing against Gale, their moans heavy in my ears. I try to turn my head but I find I can’t. My Interrogator chuckles softly.

“And weren’t you two betrothed? What a shameful excuse for a fiancé she was. Is.”

“No,” I grit my teeth and feel a surge of pain coursing through my body. My interrogator clicks her tongue disapprovingly.

“It doesn’t have to be like this, Peeta. It doesn’t have to hurt so much. All we want is information. We’ll even release you if you tell us what we need to know.”

“Do what you want to me,” I snap. “But you won’t touch Katniss!” The pain shoots up my body again and I cry out, unable to move my head, my arms, or my legs. I should be numb from the pain by now but no such luck. 

Dear God, please just end me now. Make it stop! Just make it all stop. 

“He needs another dosage,” I hear her saying and I feel something prick my arm. 

“What the hell is that,” I growl, blinking back tears. She pats my cheek and shakes her head.

“Nothing to worry about. Just some medicine to help with the pain. I think we’re finished for today. I’ll just leave you with some more entertainment.” She winks at me and nods to the peacekeepers around her. They all leave but leave me restrained and naked. The screen in front of me flashes and Katniss once again appears. Gale appears behind her and rips her shirt off, revealing her olive skin that is tinged pink from her blush. I let out a pained moan and writhe on the table, crying for them to stop. But no one hears me.

No one hears…


	24. Chapter 24

I feel a sudden chill and notice the blankets have been ripped off. I hear whimpering and turn to my side. The space on the bed is empty and I immediately sober

“Peeta?” I lean over the edge of the bed and see him, wrapped in the blankets, rocking back and forth, whimpering and crying. I’m down there with him so fast that I slam my knee against the hard floor. I pull him into my arms and his whimpers increase. He starts to shake and he tries to fight against my hold on him.

“No…no!” 

“Peeta,” I say soothingly. “It’s not real. You’re here, in our home. With me.” I sigh as I pull him closer and wince when I get knocked in the chin by his flailing elbow. 

As we’re getting closer to the opening of the Bakery, his flashbacks have increased. I’m glad it’s not me waking him up every night but he looks terrible in the mornings, with black circles under his eyes and his limp more prominent than ever. He tries to put on a smile and a brave face but I know how he is faring and it is not good. I asked Dr. Aurelius in our last session what I could do to help him.

“Just be there for him, Katniss. He needs your touch and your love. Just be there when he needs you.”

“I always am, Doctor. But isn’t there something else? Some kind of medicine that can help with his nightmares?”

“His flashbacks will never go away, Katniss. Snow permanently tainted him. You have to understand that.”

Angrily, I had slammed the phone down and stomped my way down the stairs. Peeta had looked up at me in alarm and I didn’t answer him when he questioned me. I had ignored his pleas for me to come back and I ran to my safe haven in the woods. When I had returned, late at night, I found him in a chair on the porch. He was dressed in pajamas and a robe and his hands were wrapped around a cup of tea that had gone cold. I shuffled my feet and waited for him to look up at me. He wouldn’t so I sat down beside him. He tensed up and I immediately withdrew into myself. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and saw him close his eyes and take a deep breath.

“It’s over…isn’t it?” I stared at him in confusion. When I didn’t answer he shook his head.

“I’m too much to love. I know that. But I thought…I had hoped…” I immediately took his face in my hands and ignored his flinches. When he wouldn’t turn towards me, I knelt between his legs and stared up at him.

“What are you talking about,” I asked him sternly. His eyes flickered with pain and defeat. 

“This…whatever we are…it’s too much for you, isn’t it? You’re getting frustrated with my flashbacks and I don’t blame you in the slightest. If you need to--“ I cut him off with a passionate kiss, one full of hope and promise and what I hope will tell him how much I need him. But he breaks it quickly and his eyes bore into mine.

“Katniss?” I don’t know what he’s asking me with the weak sound of my name. But I pull him into my arms and hold him close. I notice him shaking against me and my arms tighten.

“Why would you ever think that I’d be ok without you,” I say quietly and I start to choke up too. “I need you, Peeta. I thought I’d told you that. I thought you understood that. I love you so much and can’t think about a life without you.” He pulls away and his thumbs wipe away my tears.

“Then why did you leave the house so angry today?”

“It had nothing to do with you,” I say quickly. But I realize that isn’t entirely true so I shake my head and sigh. “I’m frustrated but not with you. I’m angry at myself. I was asking Aurelius if there was a way to help you. Your nightmares are getting worse and I just want to help you. And he basically told me I can’t do anything. So I got angry. Angry at him, angry at Snow, angry at myself. It’s my fault they did this to you. If I had just shut up, married you like I was supposed to, and put a smile on my face, we wouldn’t be here.”

“Katniss.” I can’t look at him now and he roughly pulls me up beside him. He cups my chin and he isn’t too gentle about it. When I look into his eyes, they are dark but there’s a fire blazing there that frightens me just a little.

“It’s bullshit, what I just heard. You know we are better off now than we would have been. We’d be mentoring kids, sending them off to their deaths. Neither of us wanted what was forced on us. You didn’t want to be forced to be with me. And you may love me now but who’s to say you would have ever come to realize that on your own if none of this had happened?” His hands close around mine and he tugs me closer, his lips just inches from mine. 

“I’d rather live this damaged life, stricken with nightmares and flashbacks, with you in my arms, than a glamorous life in the Capitol in a loveless marriage and living a nightmarish reality.” As per usual, his perfect words have me undone. I fell into his arms and cried and he held me, and he cried too. When we had both exhausted ourselves, we walked hand in hand up to bed. 

Now he’s thrashing in my arms and I just tighten my hold around him. He’s told me before that he hates me being so close to him when he’s like this. But I trust him. Even after staring him in the eyes after he’s tried to kill me, I trust him. Call me an idiot. Haymitch certainly does. But I won’t leave him when he’s in this state.  
I’ve discovered that besides me holding him, my singing will bring him out of it. So I stroke his hair gently and sing in his ear. He relaxes slightly but his fingers are tight around my arm. If he leaves bruises, he’ll never forgive himself so I try to shuffle myself out of his grasp and pull him closer to my chest. 

“Katniss?” I finally hear him whimper.

“Shh,” I say soothingly, kissing his forehead. “You’re safe. You’re with me. We’re safe.” He lets out a deep sigh and relaxes in my arms. Later, he allows me to lead him back up to the bed and I snuggle into him as close as I can. I draw warmth from his bare chest and my head rests below his chin. His even breathing steadies me and I allow myself to fall back asleep. 

 

When I wake up again, I realize neither of us had any more nightmares. Peeta still sleeps soundly next to me, and I notice that neither of us have moved in the night. I lean forward to give him a soft kiss on the lips, hoping not to wake him. I glance at the window and see the sun is already rising. But Peeta’s arms tighten around me and pull me close and I find that I don’t want to leave the warmth of his embrace. So I settle back down and feel him sigh deeply.


	25. Chapter 25

Her voice. It’s what has brought me back so many times, it’s saved me and brought me back to her. So I can’t fathom why they thought it would be smart to use it in my hijacking. Every time I heard her singing, I was able to fight off the poison a little bit. Maybe it’s because it’s when I first noticed her, when I first fell under her spell. She can make the birds stop and the world fall silent around her. I dreamed of one of my sessions last night, when they would make me watch videos of her and Gale. That was probably the worst torture of all. I could take the beatings and the knives and the shocks but videos of Katniss left me sobbing like a baby. I started to thrash around on the table, begging for them to let me go so I could find her and kill her.

And then she started to sing. And I relaxed and remembered where I was. In our home. In her arms. The only place I can find real comfort and the true sense of home. She calmed me down after my nightmare and lay in my arms all night afterwards. 

Now I feel her waking and I don’t want this peace to end. I feel her kiss me and lean back. My arms reach out and grasp her tighter, telling her without words to stay with me. I’m surprised when I feel her settle back down on my arm and rest her head under my chin. I sigh deeply, thankful that for the moment at least, I don’t have to let her go. 

We sleep for another hour or so and I groan when I glance at the clock. I untangle myself from Katniss’s embrace and kiss her softly, as she did with me a few hours ago. I reach for my prosthetic and clasp it on before moving to the closet. When I come back out, fully dressed, I see her sitting up in bed, clutching the blankets around her slender frame.

“That’s not fair,” she says softly. “When I woke up and tried to leave, you wouldn’t let me. Now I have to let you leave?”

“Sorry love, but I really need to get to the Bakery to make sure everything’s ready.” She slips out of bed and I suck in a breath when I see she’s wearing nothing but a skimpy pair of underwear. Damn it. I avert my eyes and she huffs but she grabs a robe and slips it on.

“Better?” I turn to her and grin at her scowl.

“Better suited to let me leave without a cloudy brain, yes.” She crosses her arms and I yank her towards me, swooping down for a kiss. But she turns her head and I’m met with her cheek instead.

“Nuh uh. You don’t want any distractions today,” she bites. 

“Katniss, you’re a distraction without even trying,” I tease as I try again for a kiss. But she slides out of my grasp and shoves her pointer finger into my chest.

“Nope, you wanted to go to the Bakery early. So go on. I’ll go into the woods and check the snares.” She moves around me to dress and I watch her carefully. Katniss is a difficult one to figure out. She gets offended easily and more often than not, I upset her when I tease. And her scowl is enough to tell me she’s serious. So I push the teasing aside and yank her towards me. Before she can stop me, I capture her lips with mine and wrap my arms around her waist. She doesn’t move for a moment but then I feel her mouth responding. I break it quickly, not wanting her to think I’m just doing this to get her back into bed. I press my forehead to hers and gaze into her eyes.

“I love you, Katniss. I’m always thinking of you, whether you’re in the same room with me or not.” She relents and slumps forward.

“Damn you,” she whispers and I can’t help but smile as I lean in for another kiss. We keep it brief and when we break apart, she hits my arm gently. I grin and finish getting ready, feeling 100% better now that I don’t have to leave with her irritated with me. We walk downstairs together and she retrieves her game bag and bow. I pull out a loaf of honey wheat bread and slice a few pieces for the both of us. 

“You ready?” she asks, her hands resting on my waist. I sigh and pop the rest of the bread into my mouth before I answer.

“I think so. It’s just last minute preparations but I really wish it wasn’t going to be televised.” Her face darkens and I immediately bite my tongue. Plutarch had heard from Haymitch about the Bakery reopening and called to ask me if he could televise it all over Panem. Katniss was furious and I was more than nervous but I agreed to allow him to send out a camera crew tomorrow. 

“For my dad, Katniss,” I had tried to make her understand. “I feel like I owe this to him. To my family. The Bakery needs to live on and I think this will really help get us business.” 

“I get that, Peeta,” she had said impatiently. “But there’s so many people who just want see the Victor, not the Baker. They don’t care about the family name, it’s just seeing you in the spotlight again!” 

I know she’s afraid it will cause me to go back into a flashback. I’ve asked her a thousand times to be there with me tomorrow, for one of the most important days of my life, but I don’t know if she will come now that there will be cameras. I can’t say I really blame her…she was always uncomfortable in front of the cameras and it was common knowledge that she didn’t really know what to say most of the time. But I’ve already agreed to it and if I can get a lot of business for the bakery out of it, I don’t care why people are doing it. I reach up and stroke her cheek and she takes my hand in hers.

“I really want you there, Katniss,” I say softly. “I need you there.”

“I know, Peeta. I just…I’ll try, ok? I will try.” I guess that’s all I can ask. Though I feel like her support should outweigh her fear of the spotlight but I don’t say anything. She’s been helping me at the Bakery when she can and her support and her faith in me as been unyielding. I’m lucky, I realize. I lean down to kiss her once more before we walk to the door and head toward town. She kisses my cheek before she slips off toward the meadow and I continue on toward Merchant Circle. 

 

As I finish the morning meeting, I look up to see Haymitch walking through the door. I nod to my employees and they go into the back to make sure everything is working properly. Haymitch is carrying something under his arm and he nods to me when he approaches. 

“How’s it going, Haymitch?” 

“Where’s sweetheart today?”

“She went to the woods to get us some dinner.” He raises a brow.

“She going to be here with you tomorrow?” My heart starts to speed up. Haymitch knows us way too well.

“Yeah, I think so. I don’t know why she wouldn’t.” 

“I can think of several reasons why she wouldn’t, kid,” he says quietly. I tense up and try to shrug it off.

“Katniss does what she wants to. She knows how much I want her here but if she truly doesn’t feel comfortable, I won’t force her to come to the grand opening.” He snorts and my brow shoots into my hair.

“Boy have you got it bad.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean,” I say heatedly. He’s laughing at me. He’s fucking laughing at me!

“You are too pussy-whipped for your own good.”

“Haymitch!” I blush bright red at his words and look around to make sure my employees haven’t heard him. This just causes him to laugh even harder.

“Look kid, I expect to be passed out in the morning so I wanted to come by and give you this.” He hands me a long piece of wood and I frown.

“What-“ but I stop, taking a closer look at the wood. It’s a sign.

Mellark Bakery. Printed in old white letters, with pieces of the wood charred. My hands tighten around the sign and I look up at him, my vision going a bit blurry. He nods and he looks serious. Sympathetic even.

“Thom brought that to me when they started to clean up the site. He didn’t know if… he should give it to you but I wanted you to have it. Seems like it may make opening day a little easier.” How the hell should this make it easier, I want to scream at him. This sign was hand-painted by my great-great grandfather and passed down to my father. It had always hung in front of the bakery and just seeing it brings back my dad’s words. How he told me they had always been bakers, and how much love and tenderness goes into baking. How gentle we Mellarks must be, to shape the dough with our strong hands. I feel myself shaking and Haymitch claps my shoulders.

“I’m sorry, Peeta. I just wanted you to--“

“I know,” I cut him off shakily. “Thanks Haymitch. I…it means a lot.” He nods and straightens up.

“Have fun tomorrow. I’ll try to stop by later in the week.” And with that, he’s gone. I stare at the sign in my shaking hands until I finally have the strength to move.  
As I work, I keep looking back at the sign and an idea comes to me. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. I call Thom and ask him to meet me at the Bakery before we close. He does and I’m lucky that he brings all his building stuff with him. I quickly explain my plan and he immediately goes to work.   
I stay at the bakery much later than I intended, working on my surprise. When I glance at the clock, I gasp and bite my lip. Katniss will be worried. And furious. I quickly grab the phone to dial home but of course there’s no answer. Katniss hates that phone. And only uses it to call Aurelius. Sighing, I gather my things and lock up, hurrying towards Victor’s Village. 

The light in the kitchen is on and I find Katniss asleep at the table. The Memory Book is spread open under her hands and I suck in a breath when I see what page she’s on. She’s written about my brothers. I didn’t think she even knew their names. But there on the page next to my parents, are Ryean and Bialystok. I pull the book towards me and read what she’s written.

 

Though I didn’t know them well, I know Peeta’s brothers were kind like he is. I remember one day when Prim and I were young, my father took us to the bakery and I accidentally bumped into Ryean. He quickly apologized and grabbed a tray of pastries for us to choose from. When my father tried to pay for them, Mr. Mellark waved his hand and said it was on the house.

 

I suck in a breath. Why don’t I remember that? I can probably count the times that Katniss came into the bakery on one hand but I don’t remember that time. I guess I had been in the back, working. 

 

Another day after my father had passed, I went to the bakery to trade with Mr. Mellark. Ryean said he was out but that I could come back later. He snuck two cookies into my bag and put a finger to his lips. I gave them both to Prim.

 

My heart is aching for my brother. Ryean and I were closer in age and he understood me better than Bialy had; Bialy was a lot like Mom and we didn’t always get along. I quickly wipe at my eyes and continue to read.

 

Once, I went to the school wrestling match, where Peeta was competing for the championship. I wasn’t surprised in the slightest when he won and I continued to watch him from afar. As did many other girls. Right after my father died, a bunch of Merchant girls were taunting me outside. One of them knocked my books out of my hands and pushed me down. Prim tried to fight back but I was afraid that the girls would go after her too. Bialystok rushed forward and helped me up and snapped at the girls to clear off. He picked up my books and smiled at me, telling me he was sorry about our father and asked if I was ok. I know he was probably looking out for me because of Peeta but I was still grateful for it. 

 

I glance at Katniss’s sleeping form and my lips tighten. My family all knew how I felt about her. My mother was the one who was the worst about it but my father and my brothers supported our union. If only they could see me now. See us now. See what we have become. 

I close the book and blink back tears. I gently gather Katniss in my arms and carry her up to our bedroom. Good thing she’s already dressed for bed because I’m so exhausted I can barely undress. I toss off my shirt and pants and decide that my underwear will do for tonight. Sliding under the sheets, I pull her into my arms and quickly find sleep. My eyes snap open as I remember her words from the book. 

I continued to watch him from afar.

Maybe without the Games, Katniss and I would not have been so doomed after all…

 

Thankfully, I wake up naturally. I realize I was an idiot and forgot to set an alarm but the sun is barely up so I’m lucky. I look to my side and see Katniss is already gone. My heart falls a little, knowing she won’t be there for my important day. I know I told her it was alright if she didn’t come but that’s a lie. I want the most important person in my life to be there by my side. And I wish she understood that. 

Sighing, I make my way to the bathroom and shower as quickly as I can. When I feel I look presentable I make my way down the stairs and freeze in my tracks.

Katniss is standing in our kitchen, brewing tea, and she looks…completely stunning. She’s dressed in a long, flowy dress of my favorite shade of orange. Her hair is dark waves on her back and at her neck, I see the locket that I gave her in the Quell. My heart stops beating for a moment. She turns and smiles when she sees me, abandoning the tea and rushing into my arms. I bury my face in her hair, inhaling her scent to make sure she is real. That she’s not some perfect vision my mind just made up. 

God. She’s real. And she’s all mine. 

I kiss the top of her head and she goes back to the boiling water.

“Tea?”

“Uh, yeah. Thanks. You look…you’re so beautiful,” I manage to get out. She blushes but looks pleased.

“Thank you. I thought I should look nice if I’m going to be standing beside you on camera.” My jaw drops and my heart starts hammering against my chest.

“You…you mean it?” She leans up to kiss me and my arms wrap around her.

“I’ll be right there if you need me,” she says quietly as she passes me the mug. I simply stare at her over the rim of my cup as I drink my tea in silence. My eyes go to the locket at her throat and she glances down then back at me. Without a word, she opens the locket and my hands start to shake. The pictures of Mrs. Everdeen and Prim are still there, untouched, but in the middle where Gale’s portrait used to be is a picture of a younger me. I suck in a breath and she smiles.

“Where…where did you get that?”

“In one of your drawers. I hope you’re not mad,” she adds and I pull her to me so quickly we both nearly stumble. But she accepts my passionate kisses and she lays a hand on my cheek. I close the locket and she goes back to her tea.

When she puts her cup down and takes my arm, I know we are ready. Not only is this a big day for me, but a big day for us. I feel like this is a wonderful tribute to my family but it’s also recognizing that Katniss IS my family now. Whether in name or not, she’s the person I’ll share the rest of my life with and I couldn’t have done this without her. As we reach the road, the sun comes up over the trees and she gasps a little.

“Peeta, isn’t it beautiful?” I glance over at her and smile at her delight.

“It’s perfect, Katniss. Everything is perfect.” She looks at me and I know she understands. We kiss for a moment before we continue on our way. 

There is a line that leads into Merchant Circle when we arrive. I gasp and pull Katniss to the back of the bakery so we can let ourselves in without being seen. I lean against the door, panting and feel her hand on my face.

“Peeta.” I turn to look at her and she takes my face in her hands. “This is for your father. For your family. I am so proud of you. So incredibly proud to call you mine.”   
My cheeks warm at her words and I lean in for a kiss. It gives me the strength to keep going and I straighten up and grab my apron from the door. 

“Alright, we’d better get started. Oh, there’s Delly and Riley. Can you let them in, Katniss?” She goes to open the door and my two friends walk in and embrace Katniss before coming over to embrace me. Just behind them, two more of my employees, Cora and her fiancé, Dane, enter the bakery. I was reluctant to hire them together, as I don’t want any personal feelings to interfere with their work but they make a wonderful team and really know their stuff. I had given them a few test products to make and was amazed at the result by them working together. I smile and shake hands with both of them, then introduce them to Katniss. Cora is gushing.

“My goodness, it’s such an honor to meet you, Miss Everdeen,” she says excitedly while wringing Katniss’s hand. I turn away to hide my smile as Katniss stammers a thank you. 

“Alright everyone, let’s get started! We have one hour before we open the doors!” 

 

That hour flies by and I’m feeling more and more terrified as the clock keeps ticking. I keep glancing at it and suddenly feel a sense of dread, as I remember another ticking clock that haunts me. Katniss knows. Her hands rest on my waist and she leans in close to whisper in my ear.

“Don’t think about that, Peeta. You are re-opening your family’s bakery in a few minutes! You did it, my love. You have come so far and no one could possibly understand what you have overcome to be here today.” I’m about to respond when Delly calls me from the front. I squeeze Katniss’s hand and run to see what she needs. Since Delly worked in her family’s shoe store, she is quite familiar with keeping books as well as a register. So I ask her to teach Katniss how to work the register while I stock the shelves with pastries and fresh bread. 

At five minutes til, Cora straightens up and glances at the clock.

“I think you should be the one to open the doors, Peeta. You should be the first one they see.” The others nod their agreement and I swallow. I start toward the door but turn back to Katniss and hold out my hand.

“Together?” 

“Together,” she says softly as she takes my hand. Behind us, Cora sniffles. 

Keeping one hand entwined with Katniss’s, I push open the doors and the crowd goes completely wild. I gulp as I step outside on the porch and survey the crowd. People I know, neighbors I have grown up with, faces I remember and faces I have never seen. They are all here. I hold up my arms and it falls silent.

“Friends! Neighbors! Citizens of freed Panem. I welcome you to District 12 and thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming out this morning, Years ago, this bakery was founded by Peter Mellark, my great-great grandfather. The Mellark Bakery served the district for many years, serving up delicious baked goods and fresh bread. I was frosting cookies before I learned to walk,” there are several titters from the crowd and I smile. “My father was a wonderful man, who put so much love into whatever he created. When he handed you your cake, he had a smile for you too. I never saw him without one. I was always known as the baker’s son and that’s exactly what I am. After the War…I didn’t think I would ever have the strength to even come to this place,” I pause and swallow the tears that threaten to emerge. Katniss squeezes my hand and I find comfort and warmth. “But it’s you who gave me the courage. I watched my neighbors rebuild the district and I watched as we all grew and healed. I would be nothing without this perfect woman by my side,” I gesture towards Katniss and she goes pink but she does not let go of my hand. “I drew strength and courage from her and she gave me the determination to go on. She supported me from the moment I mentioned that I wanted to preserve my father’s legacy. She has been unyieldingly patient and encouraging throughout this process and we have grown closer than ever. I am beyond honored to call her my family,” I bring her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckles and hear an echo of ‘aww’s around the group. “Without my family, I would be nothing. And this bakery would never have been rebuilt. So it is my honor and privilege to welcome you to Mellark Family Bakery!” The crowd goes wild again and I see Katniss looking at me, shocked. I grin at her and turn to pick up the sign that was drying by the wall. 

“Will you help me do the honors?” I ask her. She smiles and reaches up a shaking hand to help me hang the new sign. When it is secured and we’ve stepped away, I swear the applause is so thunderous that it rivals the applause we received at the Tribute Parade. I prop the doors open and welcome them all in.

As they pass, people pat my shoulder, they give me hugs or words of praise, they shake mine and Katniss’s hands, they tell me with tear-filled eyes how happy they are to see us so happy. I don’t let go of Katniss’s hand the whole time. As people go in and out of the bakery, I pull her aside and wrap my arms around her waist. She is staring up at the new sign and I grin.

“What do you think?”

“When did you do this?”

“Last night. Haymitch gave me the original sign, which I put in a glass case inside. But I meant what I said. You’re my family so it’s right that it’s called Mellark Family Bakery.” 

“You renamed the bakery? For me?” She sounds so shocked that I turn her towards me and push her hair out of her eyes before leaning in to kiss her.

“You are everything to me, Katniss,” I whisper. She kisses me and turns back to the sign, looking awe-struck. Together we stare up at the brand new sign that reads “Mellark Family Bakery”, painted in white letters against a green background. Below it, is a small icon of bread toasting over a roaring fire. Katniss leans against me and I kiss her cheek.

“The girl on fire,” I whisper in her ear. “And the Baker’s boy.” 

“Boy with the bread,” I hear her say softly. 

“What?”

“The Boy with the Bread. That’s what I always used to call you. Even when we were younger…you were always the boy with the bread to me. It seemed fitting, since you saved my life with bread.” I let out a little ‘hm’ against her cheek as I hold her flush against me, resting my chin on her shoulder. I decide I like it. My nickname from her. I guess there could be much worse nicknames. I smile and drape my arm around her. 

“The boy with the bread and the girl on fire. Together, a force to be reckoned with.” 

 

I can’t believe by noon we are completely out of stock! I hurry to the back to bake more and Cora is pulling out a fresh batch of strawberry muffins. I sigh and lean against the door, taking a moment to wipe the sweat from my brow. I feel a small hand on my arm and whirl around in panic.

“Easy,” she says soothingly and I waste no time in pulling her in for a hug. I sigh as I hold her, as her smell brings me back home. Nearly every customer has told me my father would be proud of me. Or how they loved to see me here working with my brothers. Or how fondly they remember my family. Every. Single. One.  
Katniss’s hands make soothing patterns on my back as she holds me close. 

“You’re doing so great,” she says softly. “I’m so proud of you.” 

“Peeta! A customer is asking for you,” Delly calls. I groan and close my eyes and Katniss takes my face in her hands and kisses me softly.

“Get back out there and be as amazing as usual.” I turn and feel her lightly slap my ass. I shoot her a scandalized look over my shoulder and quickly look around to make sure no one else saw but thankfully everyone else is busy. Katniss shoots me a wink before going over to check on the ovens. 

When I come out of the kitchens, I stop at the sight of Haymitch, grinning at me from the counter.

“What happened to being passed out?”

“Decided there were more important things to do,” he says with a shrug. “Seriously kid, I have never been prouder to say I was someone’s mentor. Look at this place! You’ve done your family and your district proud.” I feel myself flush under his praise and mumble a thanks. 

“Is sweetheart back there with you?” I nod and he chuckles.

“Never thought I’d see her actually working in a place like this. How about those chocolate muffins? You out of them?”

“A new batch is coming right up, if you’d like to wait,” I gesture toward the little sitting area I fashioned with bistro-style tables and chairs. He looks impressed and has a seat and I turn to the next customer. Katniss comes out the door with two trays of assorted muffins and pastries and starts restocking the shelves. 

“Haymitch,” she calls, surprised, when she spots him. “I didn’t think you would make it.”

“Didn’t think you would either.”

“I wouldn’t miss this,” she says softly as she gives my hand a squeeze. The warmth in my cheeks makes the room much too hot and Haymitch is smirking at me. I clear my throat and move on to the next customers. 

At a quarter to six, Katniss is wiping down the tables and countertops and Riley is in the back washing dishes. Dane and Cora are putting everything away and I am feeling a massive migraine coming on. But I also feel accomplished. Proud. I glance at my family’s sign behind the glass and I smile. I feel arms wrap around my waist and I cover those hands with my own.

“I couldn’t have done any of this without you,” I whisper without even turning to her. Her grasp tightens. 

“I know I’ve said it a lot today but I just can’t tell you how proud I am of you, Peeta. I love you. So much.” I close my eyes at her words and turn into her arms. Her pretty dress is covered with flour and she has frosting smeared on her cheeks. Her hair has become a tangled mess so that she finally just braided it on the side sometime this afternoon. She looks tired and flushed and I can tell her feet are aching. I pick her up in my arms, despite her adorable little squeal, and give her a quick kiss. But the way she wraps her fingers in my hair and pulls slightly makes me deepen the kiss and I don’t ever want to let go. I hear a tentative ‘ahem’ behind me and I nearly drop her. I turn to glance at Delly, who’s blushing but smiling.

“Sorry to interrupt. I just need your signature on these Peeta before we close up.” I lower Katniss to the floor and take the pen from Delly.

“Thanks Delly for all of your help. Really, you’ve been great.”

“Oh it’s no trouble at all,” she says, going pinker.

“We wouldn’t have made it through today without you, Delly,” Katniss says warmly. I can tell Delly is shocked. Katniss still manages to surprise us all. Delly squeezes Katniss’s hand and smiles.

“It’s truly my pleasure, Katniss. I watched Peeta grow up in the bakery and am so happy to see him return to it. I’m happy to see you both here, together.” Katniss nods and leans in to me and I wrap my arm around her waist. 

“Anything else you need done, sir?” Riley asks as he comes out of the kitchen.

“No Riley, thank you so much. And please, I told you, you don’t have to call me sir. It’s just Peeta.” 

“Yes Mr.…Peeta,” he says uncertainly. I sigh and shake my head. Riley came from 13 and was eager to learn to work in a bakery. I was hesitant to take him on, afraid I would be teaching him everything but it turns out, he is a fast learner. And he did wonderfully today. I know I will need to hire a few more people but I can deal with that another day. I quickly hug and shake hands with my employees and thank them again. When they’re gone, I close and lock the door and turn back to Katniss. She sighs and sinks into a chair.

“I definitely don’t have what it takes to run a business. I’m completely wiped.”

“You were amazing today,” I say softly, taking her hand. “Seriously, I would have been lost without you here.”

“Oh shush,” she scolds but I can tell she’s pleased by the pink flush in her cheeks. I grin and pull her toward the back of the bakery.

“Where-?”

“I want to show you my office.” 

She follows me to the back and I push the door open and let her walk past me. She enters, her mouth gaping and her eyes wide. 

“The walls were too…white,” I explain. 

And they were. I remember how I shivered when they first showed me the space and I decided immediately I had to paint it. The white walls reminded me of the pristine rooms in the Capitol, before they began the real torture. So I had requested bright colors and spent several days locked inside this room.   
On one wall is a beautiful sunset painted with oranges and reds and pinks. Along with the sunset, I’ve painted two hands, representing our hands in the Quell, when I presented her with the pearl. On another wall I painted one of my memories from when we were younger. Katniss had brought Prim to look at the cakes in the windows and I had pressed myself against the wall, trying to catch a glimpse of my love. The girls were smiling and looked happy while I looked on longingly. It’s one of the few times I saw her smile when we were young. 

The last one is of Katniss holding me while the sunlight beats down on us. I don’t know if it was from the Games or the rooftop of the training center or just a day at home, spent in her arms. But it’s my favorite because the look on her face is one of peace and contentment. My eyes are squeezed shut in the painting and I have a smile on my face, much like the one that Katniss always puts there. From this painting, you can’t tell I was hijacked. You can’t tell I once tried to hurt her, that I almost took her life. You can’t tell that we have been through hell, except from the scars that adorn our skin. It just looks like two people, a boy and a girl, in love.  
Katniss is gazing up at the paintings and I watch her warily. When she doesn’t say anything, I gently touch her shoulder and she jumps. When she turns to me, tears are streaming down her cheeks. 

“Oh Katniss, I’m sorry,” I say quickly as I pull her close to my chest. She shakes her head.

“No, it’s- they’re beautiful.” She looks up at me and takes my face in her hands. She trails her fingertip down my cheek and swipes across my lips. “You’re beautiful. You are so good, Peeta. Everything that is good and wonderful in my life. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that. I’m sorry it took me forever to realize that I would die without you.” 

“Hey, hey,” I try to soothe her and hold her again but she just seems to want to stare at me and hold my face. So I let her. I stare into her eyes and see them searching mine. For what, I’m not sure but I hope she can see the love blazing through. 

“I love you, Peeta. I will always love you.” And with that, she surges forward and presses her lips to mine. I’m so taken aback that I stumble and am pushed against the wall. But I recover quickly. I have her out of her dress in record time and am setting her on my desk. She gasps when I press against her, letting her feel how aroused I am and I give her a sly wink.

“I think we should probably christen this office with lots of pleasant memories,” I say in a low voice that makes her smile broaden.


	26. Chapter 26

Peeta is overwhelmed with the success and popularity of Mellark Family Bakery. I can’t believe how good it feels to call that man mine but I find myself claiming him, in more ways than one, on a daily basis. If he minds it, he doesn’t say anything. I’ve denied him my love for so long that I feel like I constantly need to remind him of it. And I love the way his light up whenever I tell him. After our amazing night in his office, we came home and made love twice more before we fell to the sheets, dead to the world. 

I don’t have much of a mind for business so I’m glad Delly still comes to help with the books, but I make sure I am there to help Peeta in the kitchens. He’s hired several more people. The most surprising one was Rory Hawthorne. When Peeta came home and told me Rory had approached him about a job, we were both a bit uneasy. We barely said his brother’s name, after all, and I know Peeta was still bothered by the whole Gale thing. But Rory was eager to learn and Peeta was eager to teach him. They bonded quickly and I think Peeta saw himself as a bit of a big brother toward Rory. Hazelle had brought the family back to 12 while Gale had stayed in 2. Rory confided in me one night that he had always disliked Peeta only because of Gale’s feelings. He was pleasantly surprised and actually a little upset with Gale when he had actually met Peeta and discovered that he was very likable. I can’t imagine how anyone can actually dislike Peeta. The man exudes sunshine, for crying out loud. But I imagine it was hard for Gale. And I can imagine what he said to his family when he had found out about Peeta and me. Both times, that is. 

Our fake romance had been broadcasted to the world and now that we are together for real, Panem is rejoicing at the star-crossed lovers once more. I admit I shied away from it at first. When the reporters came to broadcast the opening of the bakery, they had returned the following day to ask Peeta some questions. They had turned to me and asked me how I felt about being referred to as Peeta’s family, even though we weren’t legally married. I blushed bright red and felt Peeta’s damp hand in mine. How to answer that? Well, I screwed up that day. I had dropped Peeta’s hand and told them we were taking it slow and I didn’t really know what we were.

Thank god the cameras weren’t rolling. It would have been disastrous. Peeta had been shocked at my answer and had shut himself in his office. When we went home, he had a flashback, a pretty serious one and it took me hours to calm him down. I spent the night holding him and assuring him I loved him and I knew that for certain.   
And the next day, I borrowed Peeta’s phone to call the reporters, asking to amend my statement. Peeta had walked into the office as I was on the phone and heard me telling them that I loved him and needed him more than I had ever realized and that yes, we were a family. That I was proud to call Peeta Mellark mine. And even though we weren’t married yet, I looked forward to our future together. The reporters sounded excited and said they would be sure to include this in their story. I hung up the phone and turned around to find Peeta staring at me, his mouth and his eyes wide.

“You said yet,” he said softly before he swept me into his arms and was kissing me breathless. 

“Out of everything I just said, that one word is what you caught,” I gasped. He smirked and his smile lit up the room.

“Oh I caught the rest. But that one word sticks out the most. One day, I WILL call you my wife.” And he kissed me again before I could protest. 

When I’m not at the bakery with Peeta, I am in the woods hunting for the district and the surrounding districts. I send meat to the orphanages and Paylor has set up a bunch of food banks to help feed families across Panem. Things are undoubtedly getting better for the districts but people still suffer from hunger. I send what I can and feel proud at night when Peeta holds me and tells me how amazing he thinks I am. The fact that he can tell me this, after everything they put him through and made him think, just reminds me that life can get better. 

Then comes a day that I don’t think that way at all. Reaping Day. Our first as a freed nation. Plutarch and Paylor want to do a little ceremony, featuring the surviving Victors, but I flat out refuse. Maybe one day but not this year. I talk to Johanna and Annie on the phone and they said no too. I know Paylor is upset because she wants us to show morale for the nation but too much has been lost and it’s too soon. I’m surprised when Peeta doesn’t try to coax me into it. Instead, he holds me and stays in bed with me when I refuse to get out.  
Prim’s birthday is two days after Reaping Day. Needless to say, I haven’t moved from my bed in a week. I can tell Peeta is worried but I don’t have the strength or even the will to assure him everything will be alright. How can it be? So many people are dead. Gone forever. My sister. The only person I ever loved in this world, murdered. Destroyed by hatred and vengeance. I only ever wanted to protect her and give her a chance at life. Now I am living her life. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair in the slightest.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Katniss’s seventh day in bed, I start to get desperate. At first she was talking to me, crying as I held her but now her face is blank and her eyes are wide and lost. I try whispering to her, telling her how much I love her, how much I need her but she doesn’t respond. She hasn’t moved since Reaping Day. Neither of us left the house on that day. I had even called the Bakery beforehand to tell them I wouldn’t be there. I hated to turn my back on Panem, because that’s what I felt like we were doing, but Katniss’s and my sanity is not stable enough to participate in any kind of ceremony just yet. Plutarch had even tried to call Haymitch to get him to persuade us but our mentor protected us. I don’t know what was said but I know it was heated words. And I’m grateful to him for that.

I haven’t left Katniss’s side and feel terrible for abandoning the bakery. We’ve barely been open a month and now I’m leaving it to my employees. But Katniss comes first in my life. She’s barely eating and she hasn’t changed out of her pajamas except the time I made her take a bath with me. I’m watching her waste away and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel helpless, pathetic, and unworthy of her affection. I have three flashbacks that week, down in the kitchen, away from where she can see. Last thing I need is for her to worry over me.

But she doesn’t seem to hear any of us. Haymitch has come by, Sae and Hazelle, even Rory Hawthorne. We all plead for her to get out of bed and eat and live again. But she lies there like the undead. I collapse to my knees by the bed, sobbing into my hands, asking her what I need to do to help her. She remains unresponsive.   
I finally call Dr. Aurelius. I explain everything through my tears and by the time I’m finished, I am shaking. 

“Peeta,” he says softly. “You have to take care of yourself too. This environment isn’t healthy for you.”

“Have you heard a thing I just said?” I scream into the phone. “Katniss is dying! And I can’t save her!”

“She isn’t dying, Peeta. She’s catatonic, stricken by grief. I’ll send some medications to help elevate her mood. Do what you can to bring her out of it. Open the blinds, make her favorite foods, talk to her. Just be there for her. It’s much like when you have an episode. She feels helpless and doesn’t know what to do. You have to help each other.”

I decide the man is useless. I have baked about a million cheesebuns, I’ve opened the windows to let in the sun and the spring breeze, and I hold her in my lap and talk to her until my throat is hoarse. What haven’t I tried?! 

The medicines come on the train the next day. A man in a white lab coat delivers them to the door and nearly sends me into a episode. But Haymitch is there with me and he calms me down. I take the medicine upstairs and somehow, I coax Katniss to swallow them down as prescribed. Haymitch announces he is going to go get drunk and I pound my head on the wood floor, feeling lost in all this madness. Why can’t anyone keep themselves conscious around here?! I find myself wishing for a flashback, just so I can be taken away from all this for a little while.

I slap myself and shake my head. No Mellark. You will not take that easy way out. You will stay focused and take care of your girl. Whatever it takes. 

It takes two more days but one morning I feel Katniss move closer to me. Without a thought, I open my arms and allow her to rest her head in the crook of my arm.   
After a few minutes my eyes shoot open in realization and I turn my head to look at her. Her eyes are closed again but she’s cuddled up to me and her breathing is steady and even. I watch her until she wakes up again and when her eyes meet mine, I start to sob uncontrollably. She rises up, looking anxious, and her hand rests on my cheek.

“It’s ok, Peeta. I’m ok. We’re ok.” 

That’s really all I need. I carry her into the bathroom and make her take a shower with me. I gently scrub at her hair and rub some healing salve all over her body. When we’re finished, I carry her back to the bedroom and help her dress. She’s weak so I insist she stays in bed while I hurry down to the kitchen and make her lunch. When I bring the tray back upstairs, she’s collapsed in tears again. I set the tray on the table and gather her in my arms.

“I’m sorry, Peeta,” she chokes out. “Why are you so wonderful?” 

I have no answer to that. I don’t think I’m all that wonderful but I stay silent. I hold her while she cries and then pull the tray towards her. After she’s eaten, she falls asleep and I refuse to leave her side. The next morning she rises before I do and when I wake, she is dressed for hunting. My girl on fire is back. I weep with relief. 

 

“Peeta? Please don’t get caught.” I look into the imploring eyes of my brother and I shake my head. 

“She’ll never know. I’ll deliver it to the Seam before she even wakes up. Now hand me the piping bag.” 

“It’s great, Peeta. She’ll really love it.” 

“You think so? I hope so.” I grin as I pipe the flowers around the cake. It came out a lot better than I had expected. Then again, it’s not the first cake I have done on my own. Dad has given me a lot of free reign with making and frosting the cakes. I know Ryean is worried that Mom will see this one but I could care less. I made it all on my own. I made it especially for her. 

“Ryean, can you please help your brother out front,” my dad comes through the door and my brother nods.

“Sure thing, Dad.” He pats me on the shoulder before joining Bialy at the register. Dad wipes his hands on his apron and comes around to appraise my work.

“Looks really good, son.”

“Thanks Dad.”

“How old is your songbird turning today?” I blush at Dad’s words and don’t look up from my piping.

“Fifteen.” 

“Plenty old enough to be asked on a date,” he says with a twinkle in his eye. I blush even harder.

“You know I can’t do that, Dad.”

“And why not?”

“Well for starters, I’d be disowned,” I say, shooting a look toward the ceiling. Dad’s eyes follow mine and his shoulders slump for a moment.

“Secondly, I think I’d be run out of the Seam if I even tried to do that. That or I’d be shot through the heart by the Hawthorne boy. And thirdly, she’d never consider going on a date with me.”

“Peeta, you underestimate yourself my boy.” I look into Dad’s crystal blue eyes and shake my head sadly. 

“No Dad, I don’t. I’m just realistic. But I know she’s never had a birthday cake before and I’m going to change that. Can you help me with these katniss flowers? For some reason they are coming out all gummy.” Dad takes the bag from me and I watch in awe as he produces perfect flowers unlike anything I’d ever be able to create. 

“Why don’t you do the writing,” he hands it back to me. I think it would look better if he does it but I also want to be the one to write her name. Screwing up my face in concentration, I finish writing ‘Happy Birthday Katniss’ and step back to admire my work. Dad claps my shoulders and nods.

“Well done. So what will you say to her when you deliver it?”

“Special delivery from Mellark Bakery. And a secret admirer ordered it for her.” Dad clicks his tongue sympathetically and I hunch my shoulders.

“Dad…it’s the way it has to be.”

“Her mother was from the Merchant class, you know.” 

“Yeah, and she married a man from the Seam. I know, you’ve told me before. But Dad…Katniss will never look at me that way. I can’t even get up the courage to talk to her, for crying out loud. It’ll take a miracle to bring us together.”

“Don’t be so quick to dismiss miracles, Peeta,” he says gently before he picks up a tray and carries it out to the display cases out front. I sigh and turn back to the cake.   
It looks pretty decent, I have to say. The green letters are a bit messy but I think it can be forgiven. I hurry off to get a box and quickly box it up. As I’m writing her name on the box with a marker, I feel someone come up behind me. Thinking it’s Dad again, I don’t turn around and pat the box gently.

“Ok, I’m going to run to the Seam before Mom wakes up. Just tell her I’m making a delivery.”

“And who would you be delivering a cake to in the Seam,” comes an angry voice that makes me tense up. I glance over my shoulder and gulp audibly.

“Um…someone…someone ordered a cake for this girl’s birthday. I’m-I’m delivering it to her house.”

“Someone ordered her a cake,” she scoffs. “Peeta Mellark, you are a dirty liar and a sorry excuse for a son! Take that cake out there and sell it, right now!”

“But Mom, it’s got her name on it!”

“Something that can easily be fixed. Wipe off the name. It won’t fetch a great price, if you made it, but at least it won’t be a total waste.” I take a deep breath and turn to face her.

“Sorry Mom. This is for Katniss’s birthday. And I’m going to deliver it to her.” Mom’s eyes flash and I barely see the rolling pin before I feel it. I wince as pain shoots up my neck and my hand flies to the bruised spot.

“Mom! Please! Don’t--“ but she brings it down again and I feel the throbbing in my jaw. I cry out as she hits me again and I try to move away from the counter. But she follows me, gripping the rolling pin with white knuckles.

“You dare talk back to me,” she spits as she lunges again.

“Mom! Stop! Please!”

“Waste of space! Good for nothing! I should throw you out and then you’d really be at home in the Seam!” I gasp as the wood hits me in the back of the head and I stumble to the floor. She looms over me, raising it again. One more hit to the head and I’m done for. 

“Mom!” I gasp and look up into Ryean’s shocked face. Bialy and Dad are right behind him and they are all standing there, stunned. 

“Ingrid!” Dad rushes forward and grabs the rolling pin. His face is red and he looks angrier than I’ve ever seen him. Ryean bends down to help me and my hand goes to the back of my head. I swallow when I pull away and find blood. Ryean gasps and pulls me to my feet.

“Come on,” he starts to lead me upstairs and I glance back at the cake on the counter. Mom shoots me a death glare and sweeps the cake into the trashcan. I freeze on the steps and let out a sound of protest. Dad shakes his head dejectedly.

“You couldn’t let the boy have this one tiny happiness?” 

“Trash for Seam trash,” she spits. “No son of mine will be seen with a Seam whore.” 

“I’m no son of yours,” I spat before I run up the stairs and slam my door closed. 

Ryean joins me a little while later, with a wet cloth and some medicine. I wince while he tends to my injuries and he pulls something out of his bag. My eyes widen at the sight of the crushed box. He looks up at me sadly.

“I know it’s not in good enough condition to give to her but you and I can enjoy a slice, in her honor.” I open the box and stifle a sob at the ruined cake I had worked so hard on. Ryean produces two forks and lifts a piece up.

“Happy birthday, Katniss Everdeen,” he says before taking a bite. I sadly follow suit.

“Happy birthday, Katniss.” 

 

My eyes shoot open and I feel a warm breath against my neck. Katniss is curled up in my arms, her face inches from mine. Her bare skin seems to shimmer in the morning sunlight and I take a moment to appreciate her beauty. I run a hand through my hair and wrinkle my nose. What a weird memory to come about so suddenly.   
Why…

I gasp. My eyes fall on the calendar I have posted on the wall and I swallow. It’s May 8th! Katniss’s birthday! How could I possibly have forgotten? It’s understandable, with everything that’s been happening lately but still, I feel terrible. I know Katniss has never celebrated her birthday. I wonder if she’s ever even acknowledged it. Well, I remember one year, Prim had come into the bakery to inquire about cakes and how much they cost. If Mom hadn’t been there, I would have given her one in a heartbeat. Mom had spoken to her kindly, thinking she was from the Merchant Circle with her blonde hair and her blue eyes but the moment she mentioned Katniss’s name, Mom’s eyes flashed and she yelled at Prim to get out. So I had yelled at her for yelling at Prim and was sent to bed with no dinner. It was a usual occurrence for me. Somehow, I could never do anything right in my mother’s eyes.

I shake myself and turn back to Katniss. It’s still dark outside and I wonder how much time I have before she wakes up. I pull my prosthetic on as quietly as I can and scribble a quick note, which I lay on the pillow beside her. I give her a gentle kiss before dressing quickly and hurrying downstairs. I make myself a to-do list and plan out everything I’ll need. It’s still too early to go knocking on Haymitch’s door so I decide to go ahead and go to the bakery first. Ill get the rest of the stuff when I’m finished there. I quickly stuff a few of my painting supplies into a bag and carry it under my arm. Katniss will have the best birthday she has ever had, and I’m determined to make it so.


	27. Chapter 27

I wake up feeling quite cozy and snuggle deeper into the covers. But I immediately notice that Peeta’s warmth is gone. I glance at the window and the clock and huff. It’s still really early, even for him. I don’t want to get up just yet. I know I need to go hunting and Peeta is probably already at the bakery and…

I gasp, just remembering something. Today is my birthday!

Not that I have ever really cared or paid attention to my birthday but still…I’m eighteen today. Your 18th was really the only birthday we celebrated, as it meant we had survived without being Reaped or killed in the Hunger Games. The 18th is sort of a big day.  
And now I would be spending it alone. Peeta wouldn’t know it’s my birthday. Haymitch might only because of my records but I imagine he is passed out, drunk. I feel a sense of loneliness and hurt. It’s my own fault and really, what does it matter? So I lived to be another year older. Secretly, though, I wish I had said something. If only to avoid being alone for the day.

I suppose I could go help Peeta at the bakery. But I think it’s my woods that call to me. So I dress quickly and head downstairs to find some breakfast. I munch on two-day old bread and decide to spread a little jam on it to soften it. I grab my game bag and my bow and take off toward the woods.

The sun has barely begun to rise and I contemplate stopping to see Peeta. But for some reason, I’m feeling a bit bitter. Even though I know it’s stupid--again, how would he know what today is? But my mind doesn’t feel like being logical. I find myself wanting to pout and throw a fit and say, it’s my birthday damn it! I survived two Hunger Games and a war and I’m still here. 

I huff again and head straight into the woods. I decide to climb up a tree and wait for something to arrive. From my place in the tree, I have a perfect view of the sunrise and I sigh as I lean back against the tree. 

“Happy Birthday, Katniss,” I whisper to myself without tearing my eyes away from the stunning sunrise. 

Long story short, my birthday is terrible. I wound up falling asleep and falling out of the tree--I have NEVER fallen out of a tree before! I wince as I feel my bruised ankle but am thankful nothing else is seriously injured. I miss my targets and find that I have run out of arrows. Right after that discovery, I am chased by wild dogs and end up in the deepest part of the woods. I climb another tree and wait for the dogs to leave. Of course the snarling dogs below me remind me of the mutts from the Games and I wind up having a break down, in which I’m curled into myself and sobbing into my hands. By the time I recover, the dogs are gone and the day is more than halfway over. Well, at least this horrible birthday will be over soon.

Add to that, storm clouds loomed overhead from out of nowhere and freezing rain pelted my body relentlessly. I jumped from the tree and slipped down a muddy hill, bruising my backside and my wrist and getting covered in mud. I try to find some shelter from the rain and wind up crouching underneath a felled tree.

By the time I start home, the sun has set. I’m cold, aching, exhausted, covered in mud, and soaking wet. I wish I had just stayed in bed. Peeta would return home and be distressed to find me under the covers but hey, at least I would have skipped this horrendous day.

As I get closer to the house, I see the lights are all on and it looks quite cheery. I guess Peeta closed up early. I glance across and am not surprised to see that Haymitch’s house is still quite dark. I shiver and clutch the bow tightly as I limp up the porch. It’s a warm night but my clothes still haven’t dried. 

“Katniss!” The door is flung open and Peeta is grabbing my shoulders. Why is he looking so panicked? 

“Where have you been?”

“You wouldn’t believe the day I have had,” I mumble as I limp past him. “The worst.” 

“But…Katniss--“ I hobble into the foyer and frown when I see several balloons, hovering near the ceiling. Peeta is right behind me, breathing heavily. His brow is furrowed and he looks very bemused. I take in his appearance and notice he is dressed quite nice.

“Look, I’m just going to go up and shower--“

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” My jaw drops as I enter the room. Haymitch, Effie, Johanna, Sae, Delly, Rory, Cora, Dane, Riley, and Thom are all sitting around the living room, holding drinks in the air and grinning broadly. Haymitch guffaws loudly.

“What the hell happened to you girl? Leave it to you to show up to your own party looking like you just crawled through the trenches.”

“Haymitch,” Peeta says sharply from behind me. My wide eyes travel around the room and I see the looks of surprise on everyone’s faces. They probably rival my own. 

“Excuse us,” Peeta says hurriedly as he tugs me upstairs. He closes the bedroom door behind us and runs a hand through his hair.

“Ok, you’ve been in the woods? Alone? All day long?”

“Well…yeah. I woke up and you were already gone. I figured you’d gone to the bakery so I just headed to the woods. I…well, it was a long and humiliating day, I won’t go into it.” His eyes rake me over, surveying me for injuries.

“I don’t understand…didn’t you find my note?” I freeze and frown.

“What note?” Peeta’s shoulders slump and he shakes his head.

“Oh Katniss.” 

“What?” He makes his way over to the bed and is searching for something. He throws the covers aside and feels around on the sheets. He drops to the floor and I hear him let out a grunt. Shaking his head, he walks back to me and hands me a small piece of paper. My hands shake while I read it.

Happy Birthday my beautiful angel!  
18 years ago, you came into this world and changed it forever. I know you haven’t had too many pleasant birthdays, but today will change that. I’ve gone to the bakery to make you something special but I’ll be back soon--stay in bed and relax. When I get home, I plan to wait on you hand and foot, and treat you like the queen you are. Queen of my Heart, thank you for loving me. I’ll see you soon.

All my love,  
Peeta 

I look up at him, my jaw hanging wide open. 

“I didn’t…I didn’t know…” 

“It’s my fault,” he sighs. “I should have stayed and waited for you to wake up. I just wanted to make everything perfect for you,” he adds dejectedly. I go to him and wrap my arms around him, reaching up to run my fingers through his hair.

“Everything is perfect, because you’re in my life,” I say simply. He tugs me closer and kisses me, his lips soft and warm. I moan into his mouth and he reaches down to palm my breast. He breaks the kiss and I feel his lips at my neck and throat. 

“I can’t believe you thought I had forgotten about your birthday,” he murmurs as he continues his assault on my neck.

“I had forgotten,” I groan. “And I didn’t think you even knew when it was. I’ve never really celebrated it before.”

“Yes but 18 is a big deal, Katniss. I expect fireworks for mine.” I try to scowl at him but just wind up giggling, which takes him by surprise. He kisses me again and strokes my cheek.

“You’re filthy.” I grin and nod.

“Yeah, I noticed. I fell out of a tree, got chased and treed by wild dogs, and it started storming, making everything slippery and muddy.” He has a pained look in his eyes but he blinks and tries to smile.

“All in all, a great birthday huh?”

“It is now,” I say before claiming his lips again. 

“Ok. Why don’t you hop in the shower and get cleaned up and I’ll keep everyone distracted? I had hoped to draw you a nice long bath but we can do that later.” The way he waggles his brow at me makes me realize that he means other things are being kept for later too. I feel a sudden rush of wetness between my legs and bite my lip. His thumb traces over the spot and he kisses me again.

“I’ll see you downstairs,” he whispers before he opens the door and I hear his heavy footsteps going down the stairs. Yanking my muddy clothes off, I quickly hop into the shower and wash off. When I get out and dry off, I find a dress spread out on the bed. It’s long and silky smooth in a beautiful shade of hunter green. I hold it up and gasp when I look into the mirror. With my dark hair and my skin tone, I actually look…very pretty. I slip it on and brush out my hair. The only thing that bothers me is that it is sleeveless and my scars seem to glow brightly. I grab one of my shear cardigans from the closet and slide it on over the dress. Perfect. 

When I enter the room, I hear a wolf whistle and see Haymitch wink at me.

“That’s more like it.” I blush and look around the room, my eyes meeting Peeta’s and I flush under his intense scrutiny. But he is looking at me like I am the most prized treasure in Panem. He sets down the vase of dandelions he is holding and makes his way to me. In front of everyone, he roughly pulls me to him and dips me low for a kiss. And I allow it. I’m smiling so hard, my face is sure to be sore. He doesn’t let go of my hand and steers me into the kitchen.

“We had to reheat the food,” he explains quietly and the tantalizing aroma of lamb reaches me. 

“Dinner’s ready, everyone,” he announces and our friends pile into the kitchen. I don’t know where he got the extra table and chairs but everyone is seated comfortably and Peeta serves everyone. I go to help him and wrap my arms around his waist.

“Can I help with anything?”

“You just sit down and enjoy what’s left of your birthday.” He gives me a quick kiss and I sit back down. Johanna comes over to me and gives me a hug.

“Happy 18th, brainless.” 

“Thanks Jo. You’re looking well.”

“So are you. Happy looks really good on you.” I smile and glance back at Peeta, who is grinning from ear to ear. He’s heard her, I know he has but he pretends not to notice. He finished serving up plates for everyone and my mouth waters at the sight of the lamb stew. A basket of cheesebuns is set in front of me and I immediately grab one. I feel him kiss my head as he passes by to sit next to me. When he’s seated, I reach over and grab his hand and he brings our hands to rest on his knee.   
“Happy Birthday Katniss,” his voice rings through the room and everyone raises their glasses to me. I raise my own and bow my head in thanks. 

The dinner is absolutely wonderful and I eat every bite. The talk is cheery, while Johanna asks Peeta about the bakery, or Rory asking Johanna what she is doing now, or Effie talking about her new job as Plutarch’s secretary and assistant. Peeta’s thumb makes tiny circles over my hand and I feel tingles all over. I find it difficult to concentrate after awhile, as his hand is gently traveling over my own. I yearn for his hands elsewhere. I’m suddenly ready for everyone to leave, to drag Peeta upstairs and to have my way with him until the sun comes up. 

After we’re finished eating, Peeta and Effie clear the plates away and Peeta sets a cake in front of me.  
My jaw drops at the sight of it. He has created the most beautiful cake with the most perfect sunset and my beautiful woods all around it. I hear everyone compliment him on the cake but I grab him roughly and pull him to my lips. There are whistles and claps but I ignore them. I could care less. All that matters in this moment is this perfect man who has given me the sun and the moon and all the stars in the galaxy. When he breaks away, his cheeks are flushed and he has a goofy grin on his face. He starts to cut the cake and hands out pieces and we move into the living room with cake and tea. 

Delly approaches me shyly, holding a lumpy package in her hands. 

“Happy birthday, Katniss,” she says quietly as I take it from her. I’m aghast. This evening has been unlike anything I have ever experienced and now there are gifts too?! My Seam personality tells me to shun the gifts and not to accept charity but every single one of these people are dear to me and I cherish their friendship. I thank her softly and unwrap it to reveal a green crocheted hat and scarf. 

“They’re beautiful, Delly. Thank you.” She blushes and hugs me before returning to her seat. Dane and Cora present me with a handsome new quiver for my arrows; my old one is rather ragged and I thank them heartily. 

“Annie sent this for you, from her and Finn.” Johanna hands me a lumpy package and I gasp as I find a beautiful new bow. Not like the fancy one that Beetee made for me, but this one is sturdy wood with beautiful carvings etched into the handle. I test the bowstring and smile.

“Tell her thank you from me.” She nods and hands me another package.

“This is from your mother. She wishes she could be here but she’s planning a visit soon.” I open the box to find two pieces of jewelry. A gold broach that belonged to her mother, and a crystal bracelet that Prim always loved to take out and wear. Dad had given it to her when they were married and I know it cost him a month of his paychecks. I slip the bracelet on and hear oohs and gasps of delight. Effie presents me with a perfume set in crystal goblets and when I thank her, she bursts into tears. Peeta brings in a painting that makes my heart stop. Their faces aren’t shown but it’s two girls, holding hands, one taller than the other. They both have their hair in two braids, one with dark hair and the other, blonde. They play together in a field of dandelions and behind them, the sun is setting among the trees. He’s painted my woods and the meadow so beautifully, that I choke back a sob. When I look at him, he understands. He squeezes my hand and softly kisses my knuckles. But try as I might, I can’t make the tears stop. He looks worried for a moment but I hastily wipe my face, murmuring that I’m ok. The night is starting to get late and   
Dane and Cora announce they need to leave. Delly and Thom are right behind them, and Rory and Riley next. I hug each of them and thank them and Peeta sees them out. Sae gives me a tight squeeze and she pats my back.

“I’m happy for you, child. Life finally seems to be treating you well.” 

“Thank you Sae.” She gives Peeta a hug before she too leaves. Johanna approaches and my face falls.

“Are you heading back to 4 already?”

“Nah, thought I’d stick around for another day or so. Here, this is from me but don’t open it til everyone leaves. You can open it with Peeta, if you want. I imagine you’ll both want to try them out together.”

“What are you--“ but she shakes her head as Effie approaches and gives me a big hug.

“Oh my darling girl,” she gushes. “Life hasn’t been fair to you. To any of you,” she indicates Peeta and Haymitch and Johanna, “but I’m so happy to see that you are all rebuilding your lives. You deserve it.”

“Thank you, Effie,” I say, squeezing her hand. She smiles and clumsily pats Peeta on the cheek before she stumbles down the porch. Haymitch rolls his eyes.

“The woman had too much to drink. Can’t hold her liquor worth anything. Hey Effie!” He goes after her, yelling happy birthday to me over his shoulder, and I turn back to Peeta, who is watching me with something blazing in his eyes. He holds his arms open and I go straight into them. 

“So, did you at least have a good birthday night?”

“It was the best I could ever ask for,” I tell him honestly. I look up at him and he leans down to kiss me. “Thank you.”

“I wish I had stayed with you. Your day could have been even better. I feel awful.”

“Don’t,” I say firmly. “This evening was…well, it was perfect. I’ve never…I’ve never had a celebration like that. When I was little, my father brought me a pastry from your bakery. But Prim got sick that night and I gave it to her instead. Dad died a few weeks before my birthday so naturally, that year we were all too grieved to celebrate. The closest I had was when I turned fifteen, Madge came to my house and gave me a pair of nice gloves. She had also bought a loaf of bread from the bakery and we ate great for a week with that bread. Funny, even though I never actually talked to you, you helped me have good birthdays after all.” He looks considering and kisses me again.

“I made you a cake for your 15th birthday,” he says softly. I look up at him quickly and frown. 

“Wait, what?” He nods and looks guilty.

“I made you a cake and frosted it and Dad even helped me put katniss flowers around it. But Mom found it and tried to make me sell it. When I refused, she hit me. She um…she threw it in the trash but Ryean got it out and said we should eat it in your honor. I still wanted to bring it to you but I didn’t think it would go over well, me bringing you a crushed birthday cake.”

“I would have loved it anyway,” I tell him. I’m shocked at his confession. Is there no end to this boy’s goodness? “I’m sorry you got hit because of me.”

“Katniss I would take every wound and scar I have, again and again, if it meant keeping you alive and happy.” I swallow at his words. I don’t want to imagine his witch of a mother beating him. I don’t want to think about what they did to him in the Capitol. All I want to think about is how to make him happy. I pull him down to me and kiss him fiercely. He groans as I devour him and his hands rest at my waist.

“Let’s go upstairs,” he gasps and I nod frantically.


	28. Chapter 28

He closes the door and helps me carry up my presents to our bedroom. When our hands are empty, he pushes me against the door and holds my hands over my head. He knees my legs apart and pushes his knee against my throbbing core. Keeping my wrists trapped in one hand, he lowers the other to grasp my breast through my dress. I worry about the soft material and start to squirm.

“Don’t ruin this dress.” He chuckles softly and releases my hands.

“Fine, let’s get it off of you then.” His hands slide under the dress and he lifts it over my head. He drapes it over the chair in the corner before he comes back to me and holds my wrists up again. 

“Peeta,” I pant while I grind against his knee, desperate for friction. His lips are melded to my neck and I moan wildly as I feel the bruise forming. His hand is yanking the cups of my bra down and his wandering fingers find my hardened nipple. I squeal as he takes one between his fingers and before I know it, his lips are closed around it. He releases my hands and reaches around me to unhook my bra. Tossing it aside he takes both of my breasts in his hands and plants kisses between my chest. Looking up at me, he takes one into his mouth while he palms the other. I’m incoherent with desire and we’re not even naked. He walks me to the back of the bed and I fall back, Peeta following me down. I’m just in my underwear while he is still fully clothed and I find this unfair. I reach up and unbutton his shirt, flinging it across the room. His mouth is latched to my chest again and I cry out as his tongue swirls around my nipple. He takes it between his teeth and tugs gently and my hips jerk uncontrollably. 

“Ah! God Peeta!” He looks up at me and I feel his hand travel lower until he cups me through my underwear. He looks surprised at how wet I am and he smirks against my skin. He starts to rub me, hard, and I nearly cry at how good it feels. But it’s not enough and he knows it. He moves the cloth aside so he can slide two fingers in, which he trails up and down my slit, collecting the wetness that gathers there. His fingers thrust in and out and then travel up and down again. My legs fall wide open and he tears his mouth away from my breast and plants kisses around my inner thighs. Hooking his thumb in the band of my panties, he tugs and throws them to the side. He leans in and drapes my legs over his shoulders so he can get closer and I feel his warm breath directly on my center. I jerk upwards and I feel the faintest touch from his tongue.

“P-Peeta!” His eyes find mine and hold my gaze as his tongue takes the same pattern that his fingers had. Staring into his eyes while he pleasures me is different and not unpleasant. I see the love and lust shining in his crystal depths and it makes me writhe even more. His gentle teasing turns into an attack on my clit as he begins to suck, alternating before gentle licks and then hard sucking. I grind upwards against his face, feeling the vibrations as he moans against me. 

“Oh! Peeta! OH GOD!” He moves his hand back up and crooks two fingers inside me. Plunging in and out, his tongue working at my clit, I race towards my climax and scream his name to the dark room. 

“PEETA!” He lets me fall, lifeless, to the bed and he hovers over me as he wipes his mouth on the back of his hand. 

“I could do that all day,” he says softly and I open one eye.

“I won’t stop you.” He chuckles and bends down to kiss me; I taste myself on him and it’s strangely arousing. 

“My turn,” I tell him as I reach down and work at his belt. He assists in pulling his pants and his boxers down his legs and they join my clothes on the floor. I start to lower myself to him but he stops me.

“I have a better idea.” He moves me around so that we’re lying on our sides and his face is at my center. I see his weeping cock just inches from my face and I glance away.

“Um…what-?”

“Together,” is all he says before his mouth is on me again. 

Oh fuck. How does he expect me to do this when he is doing that?! But I lean forward and lick down his shift and both feel and hear him let out a long moan. I reach up and grasp him, holding him still so I can close my mouth around him and he jerks into my mouth. He rolls us over so that I am straddling his mouth but this way, I can take him deeper into my throat. He moans his appreciation as he licks all around but never where I need him most. If he wants to tease, I can too. I pull away and plant small kisses on his tip, my tongue only lightly touching him. He jerks upwards but I lean back and keep my kisses feathery light. He groans and seems to get the picture. He sucks on my clit and I let out a scream. In return, I take him into my mouth and hollow out my cheeks.

“Fuck!” I hear him swear against my skin. I lower myself all the way down and feel him hit the back of my throat. I feel him start to shake and know he is close. My hands move down to stroke him as I take him into my mouth again. 

“Unnnnngh! Katniss!” He jerks his hips upward and he explodes in my mouth. I continue to lick and kiss for a few moments before I let him fall from my lips. Peeta catches his breath rather quickly and grabs my hips, holding me still while he continues to work me to my second orgasm of the night. He reaches up and tweaks my nipples and I find myself riding his face. 

“Come all over me, Katniss.”

“Oh shit!” His dirty talk does the trick. I’m coming so hard that I can’t stop shaking and I feel him lapping at me still. I try to move off of him but he holds me down, his tongue flattened and traveling up and down again.

“Peeta,” I pant, way past exhausted. He lifts my leg and helps me off of him, only to pull me down again and slides me up his body. 

“God I love you so much,” he breathes against my lips. I can barely nod my head and merely lay on him, trying to catch my breath. After awhile, he starts to get up and head to the bathroom, coming back with a wet rag. I close my legs and he looks surprised.

“We aren’t finished,” I say in my best sultry voice. His eyes widen.

“We’re not?”

“It’s my birthday for a few more hours. I want some amazing birthday sex.” He grins at me and shakes his head.

“Alright, amazing birthday sex. You got it. Just…give me a moment.” I nod and suddenly remember Johanna’s gift. I reach over and grab the box and he curls up beside me.

“Is that from Jo?”

“She said not to open it while people were there but that I could open it with you. I’m kind of scared.”

“Knowing her, you should be,” he laughs. I pull the lid off and gape at the contents of the box.

“What the hell, Johanna.” 

“Wow,” Peeta says, pulling out a hand of silver handcuffs and inspecting them. I pull out a rubber ring and look at Peeta, puzzled. He looks as confused as I do as he takes it from me and studies it. He lets out a whistle and reaches in, bringing out a long silver stick that looks somewhat like a shower massage. My brow raises.

“I take it you know what that one is?”

“Not from experience but I’ve heard a lot about this one. It’s more for you but I cant wait to watch.” I blush furiously and he chuckles softly as he kisses my cheek.

“What else is there? Oh, good god Johanna,” he pulls out a leather riding crop and I blush ten shades of red. He, on the other hand, looks a little pale.

“Yeah, we’ll put that one aside,” he mumbles. He also pulls out a blindfold and something else we have no idea about but the illustration shows the woman’s feet tied with her legs spread. I can spread my legs just fine on my own. Well, Peeta can spread them himself. I don’t need to be tied up. 

“You ready to have some fun?” I shiver at how low his voice has gotten and I look up at him to see his eyes are a dark shade of blue. He looks ravenous and he swoops down on me for a kiss. Pushing me back, he brings my hands over my head and I feel something cold. When he lowers his hands, I realize that he has handcuffed me to the bed frame. I tug at them but they merely click against the bed. Peeta is leaving soft kisses all over my face before I’m swallowed by darkness. I gasp and shake my head, trying to shake the blindfold off but I hear him trying to soothe me.

“Hey, hey. I’m right here. You’re safe. I’ll never let anything happen to you.” Despite my situation, I relax at his words and feel his lips on my skin again. He meets my lips and I am desperate for his kisses. But his lips travel lower and lower, stopping to suck on my breast and I arch off the bed, shoving more flesh into his eager mouth. Peeta’s hands feel incredible as they knead my flesh, his tongue making gentle patterns around my nipple before taking it between his teeth and tugging. I’m already so turned on that I may come before he gets down there! He takes his time moving down my trembling body. He’s teasing now and I grunt impatiently. He lets out a soft chuckle against my skin and his hands rake down my hips and thighs. Oh god, his hands. So gentle and so capable of creating such beauty yet so strong and ready to give me protection and pleasure. I strain against the cuffs and yearn to touch him. He seems to like the control. I don’t love being tied up but his lips are comforting and he whispers soothing words in my ear each time I shake the cuffs. I hear a buzzing noise and feel an intense sensation on my already-sensitive nipple. He sucks one breast while running the vibrating wand over the other. He trails the wand down until he parts my thighs with his hands and kisses around my drenched center. The wand trails down my inner thigh and he circles my core with it. I’m already desperate for my release and I buck my hips but I feel him kiss my pelvis and laugh.

“Not yet. I want you begging for it.”

“Peeta…please…”

“You’re so anxious for this to be over? I rather like seeing you this way. Writhing in absolute agony.” The tone of his voice startles me and I shake all over. I’m not sure if I want the blindfold off. It doesn’t sound like Peeta and the thought sort of frightens me. But the wand moves higher and he parts my folds with his fingers and I scream as I feel the vibrations directly on my clit. I’m shaking within minutes. He flips a switch and the vibrations increase.

“Oh fuck,” I whimper, my thighs starting to shake. My orgasm comes fast and hard and I’m screaming his name. But he doesn’t let up. He moves the wand around and then presses on my clit again. I want to cry at how good it feels but I’m starting to feel weak and I don’t know how I will reach another orgasm. Nevertheless, I feel it building and it takes the wand away just for a second, to kiss my thigh, before bringing it back and pressing hard. I strain against the cuffs again, arching off the bed as I come. Thankfully he switches it off and I feel his tongue circling me, lapping up my arousal. 

“You are so fucking beautiful,” he growls. 

“Peeta.” I shake my head and feel him shift beside me. “Take this off me. Please.”

“Why? I thought you wanted amazing birthday sex. “

“I want to see you. Please.” But he doesn’t move to take it off. I feel him kiss my cheek and he bites my ear. A soft chuckle echoes in my ear and I shiver. I’m becoming panicked as I imagine my Peeta becoming someone else. Someone darker and more feral. I pull against the cuffs and wince as I feel them slice my skin.

“Peeta, please,” I try again. “I don’t like this anymore…”

“What’s not to like, baby? Just catch your breath and we’ll go again.”

“Peeta!” I hope my sharp tone gets his attention. I feel him freeze and I sigh. Good. Let him come back to me. Let my sweet Peeta come back to me. 

“Please,” I soften my voice. “Let me out of these things. I just…need to see you.” His shaking fingers lift the blindfold off and I blink up into his dark eyes. As I hold his gaze, I watch his eyes return to their beautiful blue and he blinks. He hurriedly shoves the key into the cuffs and they come off with a click. My arms are around him in an instant and he is holding me close, stroking my hair.

“I’m sorry,” I register him saying, his voice much softer. “I’m so sorry.” I pull away and search his gaze. His face is full of guilt and regret.

“What are you sorry for? You’ve been wonderful.”

“Wonderful? You were crying, Katniss.” 

“I wasn’t-“ I stop as his thumbs run below my eyes and sure enough, they come back wet. I swallow and he looks at me sadly.

“I just went to a dark place,” he says softly. “And I couldn’t…I’m so sorry, Katniss, please forgive me.” I gather him in my arms and rock him gently. 

“Hush Peeta. It’s ok. It was just for a moment and you didn’t hurt me. Don’t feel bad. Please don’t.” I glance at the wand and blindfold and decide we’ll leave the kinky stuff to Johanna. I’m just fine with my sweet Peeta and don’t need anything beyond that.


	29. Chapter 29

I realize that I’m crying in her arms and I can’t stop myself. I feel so terrible and hate the Capitol even more. I’d made her cry. I’d scared her. She probably thought I was going into a flashback and now thinking about it, I could hit myself for doing that. I can’t believe I actually chained her up! What the hell was I thinking?! I’m the one who should be cuffed. I’m a mutt! A capitol mutt who hurts the people I love.

Stop it. Stop it! My eyes squeeze shut as I tighten my hold around her and bury my face in her hair. The smell of her shampoo and sex and us together brings me back and I sigh and relax. I lean back to study her and she leans up to kiss me. My hands take her face and hold her still so I can linger around her lips. Everything slows down and we take our time. I lean her back onto the pillows and take her gentler than I ever have. We stare into each other’s eyes as we make lovely slowly, carefully even and even though I love being with her, I hate at how…tentative we’re being. But I blink and put it out of my mind. Being with Katniss is unlike anything else in the world. It’s not just about the sex. It’s my pure unadulterated love for her and my need for her presence in my life. So tonight it’s unhurried. It’s passionate. It’s slow. I never look away as sweet droplets of sweat break out on her skin and she reaches around to squeeze my ass, bringing me deeper into her. She seems to understand that we need this and doesn’t urge me to go any faster. I don’t even care about reaching my peak. It’s really about us being together in a way that I have never been with anyone. Will never be with anyone except for her. 

I feel her shuddering beneath me and I reach down and start to circle her clit but she shakes her head and grabs my wrist. 

“I just want you,” she whispers and leans up to kiss me. So I move onto my knees, changing our angle and feel myself slide in even deeper. She moans and reaches up to run her fingers through my hair and my arms start to shake beneath me. I feel her clench around me and I grit my teeth, releasing inside her. I lower my head to her chest for a moment before looking her in the eyes.

“Do you want me to-?” She shakes her head.

“No, another one might kill me.” She laughs but I feel even more terrible. She brings me down and I rest my head on her breast. 

“Thank you for that. Slow and sweet was exactly what I wanted.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t hold off--“

“No, I wanted you to finish. I’m ok, really. Just really tired.” I nod and give her a quick kiss as I rise up and make to lie down beside her. But I see a streak of blood on her wrist and I grab her hand.

“Oh god, Katniss.”

“Hey, yours looked a lost worse in the Capitol.” I shake my head.

“I knew I hurt you.”

“It’s just a lesson learned. We don’t need extra stuff in the bedroom. Not right now anyway. We’re perfect together.” I try to say something but she cuts me off with her lips. 

“Come take a bath with me.” I nod and we walk hand in hand to the bathroom. I fill the tub and prop my prosthetic by the wall then slide into the tub. She gets in and settles in front of me, leaning against my chest. She brings my arms around her and tilts her head back. I softly kiss her cheek and our hands intertwine under the water.

“Happy birthday, Katniss,” I whisper and I feel her squeeze my hands in response. 

 

When I wake I register that Katniss isn’t with me and I begin to panic before I remind myself that she’s probably gone hunting. I don’t even remember coming back to the bedroom after our bath. I guess I was that tired. I stretch a little and blush when the blankets fall off, leaving me naked on the sheets. I hardly ever sleep without clothes and wish I could remember what happened after our bath. Surely we didn’t make love again? I hurriedly dress and glance at the clock while doing so. I’ve still got some time before I need to be at the bakery so I brush my teeth and hurry downstairs. 

I hear hushed voices coming from the kitchen and I freeze on the stairs. They immediately stop and I hear Katniss call out for me.

“Peeta is that you?” I don’t answer, and I’m not sure why that is. But I feel like if she stopped talking when she thought I came down the stairs, then she is definitely talking about me. I hear her sigh.

“I think he’s still asleep. He’s a pretty heavy sleeper when he actually sleeps with no nightmares.”

“That’s rare, I’m sure. Between the three of us, we could start a freak show act with just our messed up minds,” comes Johanna’s voice. 

“His flashbacks happen more at night than anything else. I keep wanting to ask him what they did to him but…”

“No you don’t,” Johanna says sharply. “You don’t want to know that. I try to forget it. Hearing his screams. Watching what they did to him. You don’t ever want to ask it, Katniss. We went through hell in there, all of us. Just leave it at that.” I grimace at Jo’s words but realize she’s right. How I wish I could forget it all. Better leave Katniss in the dark about all of it. She already blames herself for our capture. Why torture her with the grisly details?

“Aurelius says that he will have flashbacks for the rest of his life,” says Katniss dejectedly.

“So that’s why you don’t want to marry him?” A pain seizes my heart and refuses to let go.

“I never said that. I never wanted to marry…anyone. Period.”

“You’ve told me your reasons, Katniss. And I still call bullshit on it. You don’t have to have kids to be married. And I don’t even understand the whole no kids thing anymore! The Games are over. They’ll never be reaped, thanks to you and Peeta and Finnick and Prim and me and Cinna and everyone else who fought for our freedom! What’s the real reason you don’t want children?”

“I’d make a terrible mother, Johanna. I basically raised Prim on my own and…look what happened.” I reach out to clutch the wall with white knuckles. Oh Katniss. 

“Katniss, you can’t blame yourself for that,” Jo’s voice is much gentler now. “You did a great job with your sister. You saved her life. When are you going to stop blaming yourself for everyone else’s actions? Peeta didn’t have to protect you in the arena but he did, because he loves you. Cinna didn’t have to make that dress but he did because he believed in the rebellion and in you. Finnick didn’t have to go with you to the Capitol but he did because he knew what a freed Panem would mean for everyone. It’s not all about you, little girl on fire. Stop making it all about you!”

“I would love to Johanna,” she says shrilly and I can hear tears in her voice. I have to stop myself from running to her and holding her in my arms. “But every time I close my eyes I see their faces. I see them telling me that it’s my fault. I see the faces of the kids I killed in the Games. I see Rue’s expression when she was speared. I see Peeta’s blood on the tile after he warned us about 13. I see them ALL THE TIME, Jo. Why would I ever subject a child to a lifetime of hearing mommy scream from nightmares and daddy gripping something to stop himself from killing mommy? Why would I do that to a child?” 

“Fine.” Johanna’s voice is flat and defeated. She’s given up easier than I had expected. “But go back to marriage. Children don’t mean marriage.”

“I still think Peeta is wasting his life with me.” Again, I have to keep myself from falling over in shock. 

“He’s wasting his opportunity to have a happy life with kids. He may not agree with me, but mark me, ten years down the road he is going to regret being with someone who won’t have his children. I don’t want to live with that disappointment. I don’t want to see it on his face, day in and day out and I don’t want him to grow tired of being with me. Of waiting for me to change his mind. If I’m not his wife…he can leave whenever he wants.” 

“You really are SO fucking brainless,” Johanna sighs. I understand her frustration. I’m vastly irritated with Katniss right now and it’s all I can do to keep myself from bursting in the room. I know she’s clueless but god is she selfish too. 

“And what do you think you are to him now, hm? Just a random girl he lives with? Like it or not, you two were married ages ago! You are his wife in everything but name and he won’t just up and leave you! Jesus Katniss, give the boy some credit will you? I thought you knew him better than that. I mean, I’m a little insulted FOR him. You must not think much of him to be saying shit like that.”

“Shut up Johanna. You don’t understand, alright?”

“I don’t fucking understand?! I wasn’t in the cell next to him and I didn’t watch him fight his way back to you through the poison? What don’t I understand, Katniss?”

“I don’t know half the things that they did to you all and I have to find a way to comfort him and bring him back to the present when he has a flashback. I wake up and realize he’s gone to a dark place and I have no idea what he is seeing or what they lied to him about. I can only imagine the atrocities they committed. And you’re right, I don’t want to know the details, but I still find it nearly impossible to bring him back every night after he’s left me. He reverts to his hijacked state of mind and believes that I’m hurting him. He kicked me in the ribs the other night because he thought I was a vicious mutt about to attack him. When he came to, he didn’t remember anything. I can’t possibly tell him what he’s done--“

“And he can’t possibly tell you what they’ve done,” Jo cuts Katniss off, just as I am blinking back tears. “Damn it, Katniss. He loves you. Peeta is in love with you and aside from his flashbacks and your nightmares, you guys have a pretty amazing life together. George told me on our second date that he could care less about my past. What we focus on is the future. You need to do the same. Believe me when I say, you’ll be enough for him. He may want children but that doesn’t mean he’d give you up to have them. Do you really think he’d ever go find someone else to have kids with? He wouldn’t love that girl even twice as much as he loves you. Stop and think about what you two being together means for both of you. You both need some good in your lives and last night, man did I see the damn room light up with all the light you two were putting off. Together, Katniss. That’s where it came from. From you being together. That love you two have isn’t just going to go away. And whether you marry him or not, it’s still going to be there. Marry him. Don’t marry him. Do whatever you think is best for the both of you. But always remember, he came back to you in the end. He always comes back to you. Even after his worst flashback, he comes back and professes his love for you. You’re the luckiest bitch in the world and if you can’t see that, you don’t deserve him.” I hear a cup being set down, a chair being pushed back, and heels clicking on the floor. When I hear the door open, Katniss’s panicked voice comes again.

“I told him I never wanted to get married, Johanna. What if he doesn’t propose again? What if he’s given up?” Johanna snorts and I can just imagine her shaking her head.

“Brainless, when has Peeta EVER given up on you?” The door shuts and I hear a thud, then sniffles. I want to go and comfort her but I know she’ll be furious if she found out that I heard everything. So I stop my feet on the stairs and walk down the rest of the way. If she wants to hide her tears and pretend she’s fine, I’ll give her that option. I slowly walk into front hall and am surprised to see her slumped against the door, her knees pulled up to her chest and her face buried in her hands. 

“Katniss?” When she doesn’t acknowledge me, I fall to my knees and gather into her my arms. 

“What is it,” I whisper against her hair. “What’s wrong?”

“Peeta cut the crap,” she sobs, reaching up to wipe her eyes. “I know you heard everything.” I swallow and lean back a little. She sniffles and doesn’t look at me.

“You are the loudest person in the world. I know you were listening on the stairs.” 

“I didn’t…” I say uncertainly, biting my lip. If she knew I was there, why didn’t she stop the conversation? Why would she say those things? Just to piss me off? See what I would do? Did she want me to run in and hold her? 

I’m so confused.

“Katniss,” I sigh. “Why…what did you want me to do? Why did you say those things? If you knew I was there, why did you go on?” She takes forever in answering me and I clench and unclench my fists. She wipes her nose and finally sits up.

“I realized it after Johanna left. If I had thought about it, I would have realized you were listening and I would have stopped the whole conversation. I’m…I’m so sorry Peeta. I’m sorry for…well, everything you just heard.” I can only stare down at her.

“You really think that about me?” She looks up at me quickly and I sigh miserably.

“You honestly think that little of me? That I could just…tire of you and leave you?” She bites her lip and her eyes are darting around the room. Everywhere but on me. It just makes me even angrier. I grip her shoulders and force her to look at me. I hate the fear in her eyes.

“Do you honestly think, Katniss, that I would give you up for anything? After so many years of pining for you and fighting for you, you think I would let you go? Do you think I’m some sort of coward, Katniss? A pathetic fool, just playing some kind of game?”

“Peeta, no! I just-“

“Just what? Explain it to me. Because for someone who tells me she loves me so much, you aren’t giving me a whole lot of credit here. You’re making me feel like a really awful person and I am once again wondering if I’m even worthy of your attention.”

“Peeta!” She reaches out and grabs my face and it’s all I can do to keep from pulling away. Her eyes fill with tears and she shakes her head.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking straight. You know how scared I get whenever marriage and children are brought up. But no of course I don’t think that. I know that you love me and that you will stay with me. Despite the fact that I think you are wasting your--“

“Don’t say it,” I growl, my hand flying up and covering her mouth. Her eyes widen and I lower my hand.

“Don’t you dare say that I am wasting my life being with you. Can’t you just let me choose what I’ll do with my life? And who I’ll spend it with? Damn it Katniss, can’t you just let me love you?” 

“Yes,” she replies softly, tears spilling over the corners of her eyes. “Yes, I can. I love you, Peeta. I’ll never feel like I deserve you. But I love you and am thankful that you love me.” She lunges into my arms and clutches my shirt, her tears soaking the material. Sighing heavily, my arms come up and wrap around her. I can’t ever stay mad at this girl. Not even when she’s breaking my heart. 

I pull her away and my thumb trails across her cheek.

“No more of this ‘I don’t deserve him’ stuff, alright? I mean it. We deserve to be happy, Katniss. After all the shit we have been through, we deserve every bit of happiness that we bring to each other. I fought like hell to keep you alive and to give us a chance at actually living. You are what makes me happy. Deal with it.” She wipes at her nose and manages a small smile. 

“Ok.” I kiss her nose and her forehead and rub her shoulders.

“I need to get to the bakery. Why don’t you come around lunchtime and maybe we can sneak away for a picnic?”

“Sounds wonderful,” she mutters. I kiss her softly before releasing her and we walk back to the kitchen. We don’t say much as she pours me tea, omitting the sugar, the way I like it, and she disappears upstairs to get dressed. When she reappears, she has her game bag and her new bow and quiver on her shoulder.

“I have to go to the Hob,” she mutters, adjusting her bow.

“How come?”

“I ran out of arrows. Used the last ones on the wild dogs,” she explains, refusing to look at me. I give a little ‘hmm’ in reply and finish my tea. We walk to the door, kiss goodbye, and part ways. She heads off toward the woods and I toward town. 

I hear someone call my name as I reach the end of the street and stop and turn. 

“Well damn you are up earlier than I expected,” I tell Johanna as she jogs toward me.

“I was up even earlier, talking to your girl. Is she gone to the woods?” I nod.

“I’m going to the bakery, if you’d like to join me? Pastries and coffee on the house?”

“How could I refuse,” she says with a laugh and we head off toward town. 

Johanna immediately knows that I heard everything this morning but she doesn’t comment on it. I know we were both irritated with Katniss but there’s no point in thinking about it, after Katniss and I somewhat discussed it. 

“Hello? Earth to Peeta?”

“Huh? Sorry, Jo, what’d you say?” She rolls her eyes.

“I know the girl on fire is always on your mind but damn boy, focus.”

“Sorry. To be fair, I haven’t had much else on my mind in twelve years.” Johanna makes a face and I have to laugh.

“Ugh, good thing I haven’t eaten yet. You two lovebirds are too much for me.”

“Really? George isn’t that romantic?”

“He’s romantic enough. He doesn’t spout out mushy shit like that though.” I shrug unapologetically. I’ve been in love with her all my life and I won’t apologize for that.

“I’m just joking with you, Peeta,” she says gently. “I’m honestly very happy for you both.”

“Thank you. Here we are! Welcome to Mellark Family Bakery.” She lets out a whistle as she looks around.

“Peeta, you did really good! Look at this place!” I grin with pride as I lead her inside. 

“Here, let me get the coffee machines going and you can take your pick of what you’d like to drink.” She sits at one of the bistro tables and her eyes dart around the room. I see that the cappuccino machine is already on and I sigh gratefully when I see Riley through the window. 

“So Jo, what’ll it be? Cappuccino? Latte? Iced coffee?”

“A plain cup of coffee is fine with me. When the hell did you get all fancy and shit?” 

“Delly suggested I upgrade and get a couple of these machines. Coffee drinks are very popular around the district and people seem to want more than just regular coffee. I have no idea what the appeal is, I just stick with tea.” 

“Well let’s change it up then. Let me try one of those cappuccino things.”

“You got it!” I hurry to make her drink and nod to my other employees as they come through the door. Riley brings out a shelf of fresh muffins and I slide one onto the plate for Johanna. She takes her food and beverage gratefully and lifts the cup to me.

“I’m really impressed, Peeta. I gotta say when we were rescued from the Capitol, I’d have never thought we would even be allowed in polite society again, much less running businesses like this!” I try not to wince at her words; Johanna has always been more than blunt and I try not to let it get to me.

“Thank you,” I say in a tight voice and she seems to understand. She nods and goes back to her muffin. I excuse myself to have a word with my employees about our upcoming day and we jump right into baking. Johanna chatters away about George and his assignments and I find myself tuning her out.

Until she mentions their next destination.

“Wait…go back. Where did you say you’re heading next?”

“Yeah, you heard me right. District 1. Almost as bad as the Capitol but George has some important business to attend to--“ 

My mind starts to race. This could be really great! She sees the smile that’s crossed my face and she raises a brow.

“What’s with the goofy grin, bread boy?”

“Can you do me a really, really huge favor, Johanna?”


	30. Chapter 30

It takes me a bit longer than I expected to strip the birds that I killed but I want to make Peeta a nice lunch and am willing to let him wait just a little while longer.   
I can’t believe how many times I have screwed up with him lately. And it’s just my stupid paranoia getting to me. If I could just relax and let myself be loved, like he says, we would be just fine. He would probably have less flashbacks. I could probably muster up a yes to his marriage proposal (though to be fair, he hasn’t actually proposed yet even though I know he has thought about it) and we could let ourselves be happy again.

Myself. I could let myself be happy. He has told me plenty of times how happy he is. How happy I make him. Now why can’t I just believe that and move on?  
Because his hijacked words still invade my mind. Whatever he said when he was in the Capitol, and whatever he says when he is in a flashback, those words pierce my heart and it’s not so easy to just forget them. Aurelius tells me it’s like Peeta is a different person when he is in a flashback. I can’t let his words bother me.

But they still do. He is still the boy I fell in love with and he has a darkness to him. He will always have that darkness, because of me.   
A noise brings me out of my thoughts and my eyes shoot up to the ceiling. Gripping my bow, I make my way upstairs, my eyes peeled and my footsteps light. I hear a creak on the top stair and I pull an arrow taut. 

“Jesus Christ,” I hear her scream and with a scowl, I lower my bow. Johanna stands at the top of the stairs, her hands in the air and her eyes wide.

“Johanna, what the hell are you doing?”

“What are you doing home? You’re supposed to be out hunting!” I narrow my eyes at her. She’s been talking to Peeta. 

“I’m finished. What are you doing here?”

“Peeta sent me home…to get something.” I stare at her, waiting. She swallows and lowers her hands.

“To get what?”

“He, uh…he spilled something on his pants! And sent me home to get a new pair for him.”

“Why didn’t he just call me?”

“When do you ever answer your phone, brainless?” I shrug. Point taken. I hate using that Capitol device. I just let it ring and it irritates the heck out of Peeta when he tries to call.

“Besides, he thought you were hunting and then coming to the bakery for lunch. So he asked me to come get a pair.” I survey her and see that her hands are empty.

“Ok, and you didn’t find any of his pants in the closet?”

“I was on my way up to the bedroom when someone scared the shit out of me with her fucking bow!” 

“Alright, sorry. His clothes are on the left hand side. I can take them with me though, since I’m about to go have lunch with him. Unless he’s too busy?”

“He’d never be too busy for you,” she says mockingly, making a face. I grin and turn away. As tough as she is, I know Jo loves us both in her own way. Sort of like Haymitch. We Victors are family, whether we like it or not. I set the bow and arrow down on the table and go back upstairs to our room. Johanna is in the closet and I quickly unbraid my hair.

“I’m just going to hop in the shower. If you want to take those to him, you can tell him I’m not far behind you.”

“Can do,” she calls from the closet and I hurriedly jump in the shower and scrub off the blood. 

A while later, Johanna is gone and I’m dressed in a pair of shorts and a flowy green tank top. I’ve packed us a nice lunch and wish I could have baked something but then I remind myself, that’s Peeta’s forte, not mine. I grab the basket, check my reflection one more time, and head out the door.

I have an extra spring to my step today. I’m actually really excited about what I’m going to do. I plan to take Peeta to my special spot today.  
No one has ever seen the lake, save for dad and me. I mean Gale may have seen it when he went deep into the woods but I never showed him. It was mine and dad’s spot. He took me there almost every day, teaching me about hunting and fishing and edible plants. He taught me about social class and how important it was to be a good and honest person. He taught me his songs and how to whistle. I notice tears streaking down my cheeks and I impatiently wipe them away.

This day is about Peeta and me. I won’t let my emotions ruin it. Dad showed me the most perfect spot and I’m about to share it with the most important person in my life.

When I arrive at the bakery, Cora greets me from the cash register and I wave back. I glance into the window and see Peeta running around the kitchen, his hair and face streaked with flour. He looks up and our eyes meet through the window. He says something to Riley, then pushes the door open and lifts the barrier between the counter and the guests.

“Hey you,” he breathes as he pulls me into his arms. He smells like fresh bread and cinnamon and I cling to him, ignoring the stares we are getting. I’m usually not much for PDA but the feeling of his arms is too good to ignore.

“Hi,” I finally pull back and give him a smile.

“You look nice.” I shrug.

“It’s just getting really warm. Are you able to take off for lunch? You look busy.”

“We have a bunch of orders for this evening but I can take off for an hour or two.” 

“Good. Because there’s somewhere special I want to take you.” His brow raises and he watches me expectantly. I shift the picnic basket onto my other arm and lean in to give his cheek a kiss.

“Meet me outside?”

“Give me two minutes.” I nod and watch him take off his apron before turning to go back to the kitchen. I smile at Cora and her two customers and go wait on the porch. My eyes automatically go to the sign hanging above the door and I smile. A second later, Peeta joins me and his arm goes around my waist. I lean into him, wanting more of his warmth and his smell. He takes the basket from me and kisses the top of my head.

“Lead the way.” I grip his hand and we walk through town. He doesn’t once ask me where we are going and that tells me he trusts me. When we arrive at the fence, however, his hand gets a little sweaty.

“Katniss-?” I turn to him and wrap my arms around his neck.

“I want to show you something very important to me. Do you trust me?”

“Always,” he says softly. I lean up to kiss him quickly before leading him into the woods.   
I’d forgotten just how loud he is until he is crunching the leaves and every damn twig his feet can find. I’m extremely glad I haven’t brought him out here while I’m hunting. His hand grips mine tighter and I squeeze back reassuringly. 

“Are we almost there?”

“Not really. We’re going to a really deep part of the woods.” I hear him gulp and I smile up at him.

“You’re safe with me. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He squeezes my hand.

“I know.” It suddenly occurs to me how much this might remind him of the Games and I feel terrible. Not everyone loves the woods like I do. And our first Games, we weren’t together most of the time. He was off trying to fool the Careers and the rest of the time, he was dying from blood poisoning.

Really charming date, Katniss. 

As always, Peeta can tell when something is bothering me and he stops me, his hands on my shoulders.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I--“

“Katniss.” I look up into his eyes and see him patiently waiting for me to tell the truth.

“I just…feel awful for bringing you out here. I wasn’t thinking, you’re probably thinking of the Games and I just wanted to take you to my special spot and I just--“ his lips press against mine and I fall silent. His hands move up from my shoulders to my neck and his kisses turn more and more urgent.

“You talk too much, you know that?” I scowl up at him and he chuckles. 

“Come on. Take me to your special spot.” His hand finds mine again and I pull him down the path that I know so well.   
We have to stop twice for water and to allow him to catch his breath. I pat his back and tell him it’s not much further. 

Finally, I hear running water and my grip on his hand tightens. 

“Close your eyes.” 

“Katniss--“

“Please,” I add and he sighs before he obeys. I carefully pull him to a flat rock that I used to sit on with my father and I have him stand on it.

“Ok, open,” I breathe in his ear. I lean back to watch him open his eyes and his face takes on an expression of wonder.

“Katniss…this is…it’s beautiful.” I smile and nod.

“My dad used to bring me here. He called it our secret place. I never brought…I’ve never brought anyone else here.” He catches my meaning even if he doesn’t comment on it. I’m telling him I didn’t bring Gale here. It never crossed my mind, really. He turns to me and his face is soft and beautiful.

“You brought me to your secret place.” It isn’t a question really but I feel like I have to answer.

“This was my refuge, after he died. I used to run here and escape and just try to forget everything. Outside of the woods, I had to be the adult, raising Prim, making sure my mom ate, I had to take care of my family. Here I could be the little Katniss that came here with my dad. I didn’t have to worry about anything and I just stayed here for hours, listening to the stream. It’s just so peaceful.”

“It is,” he agrees before sweeping me into his arms and kissing me so hard that I would fall backwards if he didn’t have a firm grip on my back.

“Thank you,” he breathes against my lips and I feel my knees weaken. 

“I love you, Peeta,” I say before he claims my lips again and I welcome his assault. His tongue meets mine forcefully and his hands drift lower into my shorts, where he can grip my bare ass. I gasp into our kiss and I feel him throb against my belly. He breaks the kiss and gives me a sly smirk.

“Let’s go ahead and have lunch. Else I won’t have much strength to do anything else.” I can’t help but giggle and pull out the blanket I brought, spreading it over a patch of green right by the lake. We both remove our shoes and lay down on the blanket.

“I can’t bake as well as you but I think the sandwiches will be decent,” I say, handing him one. He smiles.

“I knew you were a horrible cook when I fell in love with you, Katniss.”

“Hey,” I cry indignantly. “I cook just fine. Sorry that I don’t have baker hands.” He holds up his hands, while he waggles his eyebrows and I know the next comment that comes out of his mouth will turn me on.

“But I can do so much with these ‘baker hands’. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Pipe down and eat your lunch,” I snap and he chuckles again. We enjoy the lunch and the sunshine and take our time just being together. As I lay with my head in his lap, he occasionally feeds me grapes while his fingers run through my hair.

“I wish I had my sketch book with me,” he says softly above me. “This moment is so perfect, I want to capture it on paper.”

“Just commit it to memory,” I tell him without opening my eyes. I’m so relaxed and so at peace out here that I feel as if nothing can ruin it. It reminds me of the rooftop at the training center, the night before the Quell. If only I had confessed to him how I felt then. Would things be different? Would the hijacking have failed because he knew how I felt about him? 

“You are so gorgeous out here.” I open my eyes and see him staring down at me and my brow furrows.

“What do you mean, out here?”

“You’re always beautiful. But this is your element. You look so perfect, like a wood nymph. I just have to keep staring because I’m afraid the moment I look away, you’ll disappear into the trees and leave me wondering if it was all a fantastical dream.” I shake my head and lean up to kiss him, wrapping my arms around his neck and threading my fingers through his curls. 

“How do you do that?” I lean down and kiss his neck and he tilts his head slightly.

“Mm, do what?” 

“Paint such beautiful pictures with your words. “

“Your beauty just brings it out.”

“Oh stop,” I hit his arm gently and his body rumbles with laughter. I reach over to clean up the dishes and pack everything away. I’m sure he needs to be getting back soon. His hand rests on mine and I turn to gaze into those depths of blue.

“Thank you for lunch. It was delicious.”

“You’re welcome. I’m sorry I didn’t bring any kind of dessert or anything. Guess you should have grabbed a pie or something.” He wraps me in his arms and kisses me until I’m breathless with want.

“I can think of sweeter things I like much better than pie,” he whispers huskily in my ear. It sends a sudden rush of wetness between my legs and I fight to keep control.

“Wh-what do you mean?” His hands hold my face as he devours my lips and I don’t even register when his hand leaves my face and is fumbling with the button of my shorts. I feel his fingers glide over my wet folds and I moan into his mouth. 

“Damn you are so wet for me, Katniss,” he whispers as he leans down and sucks at my breast through my shirt. He yanks it up to my chin and pulls the cups of my bra down so he can palm my breast in his hand. His other hand is busy below, circling my clit but never giving me the relief I need. His lips lower to my chest and his tongue rakes across my sensitive nipple.

“Oh…god Peeta,” I stammer and he moans against my skin in reply. He leans back and starts to tug at my shorts but I sit straight up.

“Peeta! We’re…someone could…”

“Who’s going to see us, Katniss? We’re in the deepest part of the woods. You said yourself no one comes here. Live a little.” Biting my lip, I lay back down and close my eyes. I allow the serenity of the woods to wash over me and I realize he’s right. We’re miles from town and no one ever comes out this way. He tugs my shorts down my legs and strokes me through my underwear. I blush at how wet I am but all embarrassment is gone when I feel him lick me through the cloth. I buck my hips upwards and his fingers grip my hips. He moves the cloth aside and takes a long lick, eliciting a throaty moan from deep within my throat. He plunges two fingers in and I’m gone. The air is filled with my moans and cries and it only fuels him on. His tongue is relentless on my clit and when he takes me completely in his mouth, I shatter. He kisses his way back up my body and my hands frantically work at his pants. He leans over me, our gazes locked, as I free him from his pants. He quickly shoves his clothes down a little ways and then he’s inside me. God I could never get tired of the feeling of joining with him. It’s unreal and I mentally hit myself every time for denying myself…denying us of this. We could have done this every night on the victory tour. Nights spent in his arms, with our hair damp and our bodies glistening from what we had done. 

I reach down and rub my clit, feeling myself reach my peak quickly. Peeta’s eyes darken and he moves my hand out of the way, his fingers replacing mine. His thumb rubs hard and I feel myself clench around him. He lets out a strangled cry and I feel him release deep inside me. He collapses on top of me, both of us heaving for breath.

“My…god,” he pants in my ear. He quickly rolls off of me and pulls me into his arms. I prop myself up and lean in to kiss him, grinning at the sight of his disheveled curls and his flushed face.

“Maybe you should come home and shower before you return to the bakery. People will definitely know what we were up to out here.” 

“I can’t just tell them we got lost in the woods?” I grin and kiss his chest.

“You smell like sex. They’d know.” He drapes an arm over his eyes and I cock my head.

“Even though I like it, I don’t think other people would be too comfortable with it.” He lowers his arm and he looks stunned.

“You like what?”

“The smell of us together. What we’ve done. I love having you all over my body.” His eyes widen at my words and even I’m a bit surprised at myself. Where did that come from? He pulls me on top of him and leans in for a kiss.

“Are you trying to kill me, woman?” 

 

We make love once more, with me on top, before we hurriedly dress and repack the basket. I wish we’d had more time to explore the area so I could show him the lake properly but I won’t complain about how we spent the day. He holds my hand as we make our way out of the woods and we decide to go home and shower before he goes back to work. I guess he’s even more grateful about the fact that I took him to my lake, because he picks me up and takes me against the wall. I’m not sure how he will have strength to go back to work because I plan on taking a nice long nap when we get out of the shower. I watch him dress as I tangle myself in the covers and he looks at me, biting his lip.

“Aren’t you going to get dressed?”

“Why bother? I’m just going to fall asleep. And then this is what you’ll find when you come home later tonight.” I sit up a little straighter, letting the sheets fall off my breasts. His fists clench and unclench and I can tell he is struggling to keep control.

“Fuck, Katniss!” He shakes his head and turns away and I can’t help but giggle. He looks up at me and glares.

“You know exactly what you’re doing, don’t you?” I merely shrug innocently. He snorts.

“Yeah, don’t act all innocent. Sometimes you don’t know the effect you have but right now you definitely do.” 

“You’re saying you don’t want to find this waiting for you when you get home?” His eyes narrow.

“You’re dangerous, you know that? You’re deadlier than a bow and arrows.”

“And aren’t you just so charming,” I retort, making him scoff. He leans down to give me a quick kiss before straightening up and checking his reflection.

“I’ll probably be at the bakery late tonight, finishing orders. Why not ask Jo over for dinner? Keep you company?”

“I’ve been alone plenty of times before, Peeta, I think I’ll manage a few hours without you.” He looks at me nervously and I can see the worry in his eyes. 

“Katniss--“

“Oh go to work, Peeta,” I say, turning away. I can’t help but feel a little defensive. Does he think I’m so weak that I need someone with me at all times? Is that what I have become to him? That I need to be watched because he thinks I’ll hurt myself?

I feel his hand on my cheek and he gently turns me to look at him.

“Don’t,” he says quietly. “Don’t think I worry that you will…try anything. I just worry about you is all. And I know you need some ‘girl time’ or whatever it is. You just have Haymitch and me around and I don’t think Delly qualifies as the best girlfriend that you have.”

“I didn’t have ‘girlfriends’ growing up, Peeta,” I remind him. He cups my chin and smiles sadly.

“I know. But now you have friends who love you. Just have a nice evening with Johanna before she leaves again. I just like to see you smile, that’s all.”

“I know,” I nod. I know he didn’t mean anything by it but it still hurt just the same. 

“I love you,” he whispers before giving me a quick kiss and hurriedly leaving the room. I sigh and lie in the sheets for a few moments before the smell of sex and passion reaches me. Time to wash these sheets again! Seems like we are doing ten loads of laundry a day since we started sleeping together. I get dressed and pull off the blankets and sheets, throwing them into the wash bin. Peeta bought one of those Capitol machines to wash and dry clothes but I still refuse to use it. As I do with most Capitol things.

After I finish the laundry, I realize that I don’t know where Johanna is staying. I make my way over to Haymitch’s house and screw up my nose as the smelly geese bombard me, probably looking for food.

“Haymitch,” I call when I get inside. “Your geese are hungry!”

“Just fed them,” he mumbles, his head in his arms. An empty bottle stands next to him. I sigh and pick up the bottle.

“Then they’re probably starved for attention. Why don’t you get out of this house?”

“Is there a reason you are over here or did you just think I needed the pleasure of your company this evening,” he snaps, finally looking up at me.

“Do you know where Johanna is staying? I want to invite her to dinner.”

“Hotel down the road. Close to Merchant Circle. Don’t expect me there. I’ve got a headache like you wouldn’t believe.” I snort and shake my head as I take care to slam the door as loudly as I can, behind me. I hear him groan and curse my name and I chuckle.   
Johanna agrees to come to dinner and we actually enjoy ourselves as we attempt to fix something called lasagna. I don’t know if it’s a Capitol dish or where she heard of it but she said it would be fun to make and it’s actually quite good. I shove some into a container for Peeta for later and put it in the fridge. Jo suggests we crack open a bottle of wine and after two glasses, I’m feeling really fuzzy. She props her feet up on the chair and leans back to survey me.

“So brainless! You thought anymore about what I said this morning?”

“Which part,” I ask, dazed. 

“You going to marry that boy or what?”

“If he asks me,” I hiccup. “Then yes.” 

“Really? And if he asks you for kids?”

“Jo,” I say warningly and she holds up her hands in the air.

“Hey, I’m just saying! You’d make a great mom, Katniss. I saw you with your sister. How protective you were. Hell you were even protective of me in 13!”

“It was my fault that you were taken to the Capitol in the first place,” I tell her, sloshing my drink all over myself. 

“No it isn’t, brainless! Why do you keep thinking that?” I shrug.

“All I had to do was play the part of a perfect victor. Marry Peeta, agree with the Capitol’s rules, do what was expected of me. There wouldn’t have been a damn Quarter Quell or Rebellion if I had just--“ I stop, realizing the liquid from my glass is now all over the floor. “Ah shit.”

“Brainless, you are driving me fucking nuts,” Johanna groans, rubbing her eyes. “You need to stop thinking that everything was perfect. Everything was NOT perfect. And contrary to popular belief, it was not just you that set it all in motion. Yes we needed a Mockingjay to lead the revolution but talks of rebellion started years before you were even born! Do you want to know what would have happened? If you had played the perfect victor, I mean?”

“Tell me.” She leans close and I smell the alcohol on her breath. I start to move to clean up the mess on the floor but her hand shoots out and she grabs my shirt, pulling me close. I squirm a little but she leans even closer.

“You and Peeta would have been sold,” she spats. “To every perverted, fucked-up Capitol citizen who wanted to pay for you. They would have auctioned off your wedding night, they’d broadcast it across the Capitol and Panem as Peeta fucked you for the very first time. And after that, they would auction off nights spent with one or both of you. Peeta tied to a chair while he watched some sick fuck take you right in front of him. Or better yet, you chained to the bed while Peeta serves the Capitolites, just to keep you from harm. And there’s not a damn thing you could do to stop it. You could try to take your life but they would stop you and punish you, by killing the ones you love. And you would become this waste of a human being, who forgets who you even are! You lie awake at night, wondering how in the hell you can escape. And you realize you can’t. Not until this Capitol is taken down and every one of these bastards are forced to pay for what they have done.” She finally releases me and I can’t breathe.

“That’s what would have happened, if the revolution hadn’t sparked, Katniss. You not only saved Peeta and yourself but you saved future victors, you saved kids from every district from dying in those games. You saved Panem. Be fucking proud of yourself!” She hiccups and leans back in her chair. She wipes at her face and I realize that she is crying. I also realize I have never seen her cry before. 

“Johanna,” I say quietly and reach out toward her but she rears back.

“No pity, Katniss. I don’t want it.”

“I don’t pity you. But I can cry with you.” And that’s what we do. We hold each other and cry. For everything that we lost. For everything that we’ve endured. For everything that we hope for, everything that we long for in the future that we created. The two strong iron-willed women of Panem, holding each other and bawling like babies. 

After what seems like hours of sobbing, we both lean back and wipe our faces. I push away the alcohol and shake my head.

“And now I know why I never drink.” 

“But it’s fun,” she hiccups and I laugh. 

“I’m going to go freshen up. Be right back.” She nods as she pours herself another glass. I shake my head in wonder as I head up to our bathroom.

When I feel satisfied that I don’t look like a total wreck, I come out of the bathroom and my eyes fall on the gold locket that Peeta gave me. I pull it over my neck and open it up. The smiling faces of Prim, my mom, and Peeta warm my heart. I close it and look back at the table by our bed. Peeta has framed a picture of the two of us from the opening of the bakery where someone must have snapped it without us noticing. We are standing underneath the sign and we are looking at each other. His arm is around my waist and I am turned into him, my hand on his chest. We both have smiles that rival the sparkle in our eyes. It sometimes amazes me how happy we look. 

How happy we are.

My eyes tear away from the picture and fall on the blue ribbon that I had bought for Prim. My eyes fill with tears as they move around the table. As I notice something is missing, I feel my heart start to pound in my chest. I hurry forward and drop to my hands and knees, searching the floor.

“Please no.” I tear the bed apart, searching, and am scrambling around on the floor when I hear footsteps.

“What the hell are you doing, brainless?”

“It’s gone, Jo!” I look up at her and know I look like a mess. She frowns.

“What’s gone?”

“My pearl! My pearl from Peeta! It’s gone! I can’t find it anywhere!”

“Ok calm down. I’m sure it just…fell on the floor. I’ll help you look.” She gets down with me and we check every nook and cranny in the floorboards. I pull my knees to my chest and start rocking back and forth. Johanna gives me a worried look.

“Katniss, calm down. It’s a pearl, it’s not Peeta. You didn’t lose him--“

“I kept that pearl with me every second,” I choke out. “I used to imagine it as his heart. If I had it, no harm would come to him. I can’t believe…I can’t believe I’ve lost it.”

“Ok, it’s ok. We’ll find it.” She pulls me into her arms and I can’t stop shaking. My sobs only increase and I suddenly have images of Peeta in the Capitol, tortured and crying for help. Crying for me to save him. 

I start coughing and shaking even harder. 

“Katniss, stay with me. Peeta’s ok. He’s at the bakery. Do you want me to call him and tell him to come home?” I don’t answer. I’m lost in a world where I watch, over and over, as they inject Peeta with long needles filled with poison. I’m frozen, huddled in the floor. 

“Katniss,” she says loudly. “Katniss, I’m going to call Peeta. Stay here, ok?” I register her getting up to leave and I don’t have the will to call her back. But I can’t be alone. I can’t. 

I make my way into the hall and try to call for her but something has happened to my voice.

Peeta. Crying out for me. Peacekeepers beating him with metal pipes and whips.

Peeta. Screaming that I’m a mutt. That he needs to kill me.

I reach out and clutch the wall. But I miss a stair. I tumble down the stairs, until I land at the bottom and feel like all my breath has been taken away. I can’t move, whether from the fear or from the pain, I don’t know. Maybe both. 

Johanna runs in and cries out.

“Katniss!” She drops to her knees beside me and I feel her hands run over my face.

“Oh god, what did you do? I told you to stay upstairs!”

“I…I couldn’t.” 

“Peeta’s coming, Katniss. He’s on his way.” 

To kill me.

Because I’m a mutt. He’s coming to kill me.

I scream and she jumps. 

“Tell him I love him! Tell him I don’t want to hurt him!”

“Katniss!”

“Tell Peeta I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what they’ve done!”

“Katniss, stop! What’re you--“

“Johanna, what the hell is going on?”

“It’s Katniss! I don’t…she’s having some kind of episode! I called Peeta, he’s on his way.”

“Katniss! Katniss, look at me girl! Shit, she’s going into shock.”

“Katniss! Katniss, look at us. Stay with us. Peeta is safe. He’s coming home to you. He loves you. Stay with us, Katniss.” 

“Katniss? What happened? What the hell is wrong with her?”

“She fell down the stairs…she was having some sort of episode and I couldn’t calm her down.”

“Katniss? Look at me, sweetheart. Can you hear me? It’s Peeta. It’s me, Katniss, I’m right here. Right beside you.” 

He’s crying. I always make him cry. He’s sobbing for me to come back to him, to save him. 

I’m sorry, Peeta. I’m sorry.


	31. Chapter 31

I’ve never heard Johanna sound so panicked before and I am out the door so quickly that I’m not even sure if I remembered to lock it. I could care less. All I care about is making it home to Katniss.

I burst into the house and freeze, horrified. Katniss is sprawled at the bottom of the stairs, her eyes wide and blank. Johanna and Haymitch are around her, patting her cheeks and talking to her. 

“Katniss? What happened? What the hell is wrong with her?” Johanna looks up at me and I see that she’s crying. I can feel my heart ceasing to beat right now.

“She fell down the stairs,” she chokes out. “She was having some sort of episode and I couldn’t calm her down.” I kneel beside her and pull her into my arms.

“Katniss? Look at me sweetheart. Can you hear me? It’s Peeta,” my tears splash her face as I gently shake her. “It’s me, Katniss. I’m right here. Right beside you.” She doesn’t respond and I lower my head to her chest, my tears soaking her shirt.

“Please Katniss. Please come back to me. Don’t leave me here. I need you. Damn it I need you more than I need air. Come back to me, please. I can’t live without you, Katniss!” I feel her take a shuddering breath and her eyes close. I look at Haymitch and Johanna, confused, and turn back to Katniss.

“Katniss?” Her breathing is steady and it’s almost like she’s sleeping. 

“Why don’t you take her up to bed? I think she’ll be fine once she wakes up.”

“How do you know,” I choke out. “I’ve never seen her like this. She’s had episodes but never like this.”

“Before you returned, she would sit in that rocking chair and just stare at the walls. Those big blank eyes you just saw are the same that I saw. She’ll be alright, kid. She just needs to sleep and wake up in your arms. She just needs to see that you’re still with her.”

“I don’t understand.” I blink back tears and lift her up carefully. When I enter our room, I stop at the sight of the chaos. Pillows and blankets are everywhere, our picture frame has knocked over, drawers have been turned over.

What the hell happened? 

I gently set her on the bed and gather all the blankets and pillows and put them back where they belong. I prop the pillows up underneath her and bundle her up in the covers. I quickly put the picture frame back and pick up what I can. Giving her one last concerned look, I head back downstairs and see that Johanna and Haymitch have moved into the kitchen.

The first thing I see when I enter is the almost-empty bottle of wine on the table.

“You got her drunk?!” I explode.

“She had two glasses! Brainless is a light weight!” Haymitch is laughing and I am shooting daggers at both of them.

“She doesn’t drink, Johanna! So not only did she have an episode and she fell, but she’s drunk too?”

“I think they all coincide, boy,” Haymitch says quietly. I groan and cover my face with my hands.

“Unbelievable. And what the hell happened to our bedroom? Drunken rage?”

“She discovered that her pearl is missing,” she snaps and I feel my heart sink. Oh shit. 

“Did…what did you tell her-?”

“I told her I would help her look for it. And then she started saying that she always held it because as long as she had it, she thought no harm would come to you. So she started seeing pictures of you tortured and beaten. She was crying for me to tell you she loves you, that she doesn’t want to ever hurt you.” I squeeze back tears.   
Damn it, I really know how to make a mess of things. Haymitch watches me knowingly.

“I think you should plan on calling into the bakery in the morning, Peeta. Sweetheart is going to need you.” I nod and brace myself against the wall.

“Yeah. You’re right. Look, I’m going to go up and be with her. You two can see yourselves out?” I gesture to the door and they nod. I make my way back upstairs and quickly check on Katniss. She’s sleeping soundly and you can’t even tell anything happened. Hesitantly, I pull her clothes off and slip her into an old shirt of mine. I put the drawers back in order and hurriedly change for bed. Propping my prosthetic against the wall, I settle in the covers and instantly feel too hot. Hopping over to the window, I push it open and sigh at the cool breeze. I get back into bed, pulling Katniss into my arms and nuzzling against her.

“I’m here, Katniss,” I whisper. “I won’t ever leave you.” Her arms wrap around my waist and my hold on her tightens. 

“Peeta,” my name escapes her lips on a whisper and I squeeze my eyes shut. 

“I love you, Katniss. I love you.” 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Peeta thrusts into me one more time and I feel him spill inside me. He collapses on my back, his cheek pressed to my sweaty back as he heaves for breath. I turn toward him and push his hair out of his eyes, giving him a gentle kiss on his lips.

“Katniss,” he gasps and I hold his face in both my hands. There’s the sound of clapping from behind us and I jump. Peeta’s arms immediately go around me and pull me into his chest.

“That was a splendid show,” I hear someone say in a Capitol accent. “Snow wasn’t exaggerating when he set the price for you both. Well done.”

“Thanks. I assume you’re done with us?” Peeta wraps both arms around me and pulls me into his lap. He tenses and I turn to see the Capitol man is standing just inches from the bed.

“Not quite.” I feel Peeta’s veins twitch.

“Yes you are,” he argues. “You paid for an hour of the star-crossed lovers. We’re done. Let’s go, Katniss.” Peeta is suddenly jerked away from me and I hear him let out a hiss of pain. I look up into his face and see another man holding him by his curls. The man’s fingers bury in Peeta’s hair and he winces. At the same time, someone has grabbed my hair and is yanking me backwards. Peeta’s eyes flash and he tries to get to me but a shining blade is held to his throat and he is forced to be still.

“You’re not done,” the man growls at us, “until I say you’re done.”

“Let her go,” Peeta says through gritted teeth. 

“But we still have twenty minutes left of the star-crossed lovers,” the man says mockingly. “And we intend to get every cent out of you.” Peeta fights but the blade slices his neck and he hisses again. Tears fill my eyes as I watch him try to get to me. I feel something cold at my own throat and Peeta’s eyes widen in horror.

“Unless you want to watch us spill every drop of blood from your girl on fire, I’d suggest you start behaving.”

“Wait until Snow hears how you’re treating his victors,” Peeta snarls. The man hits him and his head is sent in the other direction. I cry out as I watch blood trickle down his chin. One of the men yanks on my hair and pulls me to my knees.

“On all fours, little victor,” he spits in my ear. I try not to whimper as I move onto my hands and knees and I wince when he smacks my bare ass. Peeta grunts as he struggles against his captor but I hear the sound of cuffs and Peeta’s arms are yanked behind him, chained together. 

“Don’t make us gag you too,” the Capitolite snaps at him.

“Turn around, baby, and show us that you want it.” I glare at all of these disgusting men. If I could fire arrows into each and every one of their hearts right now, I would. One of them yanks on my hair again and forces me up. Tears stream down my cheeks as I feel my hair ripping from my scalp. 

“Head down. Hands behind your back.” I obey and grimace as my ass is elevated. One of them touches me and his fingers slide into me. I wince and try to sit up but I feel a foot on my neck and I whimper into the bed.

“I swear to you, you sons of bitches, if you do this--“

“Shut him up!” I hear Peeta’s curses be muffled and I can’t help but release a sob. I want to tell him to be quiet, not to anger them further. I couldn’t bear if something happens to him because he is protecting me. 

“Turn around baby.” I rise and turn to find his hard cock mere inches from my face. I give him a disgusted look and he forces my head down.

“Suck. Now.” I contemplate biting it off. He grabs me again and turns me to face Peeta. His face is red, his eyes are narrowed in hatred, but there is sadness and sorrow etched into every line of his face. Two men stand behind him, with firm grips on his cuffed hands and his hair. A wad of material is stuffed into his mouth and he is shaking.

“If you don’t want anything to happen to your precious little baker, you’ll do what we say. Suck it.” I close my eyes as I take him into my mouth and then he is thrusting against my throat. I gag but he doesn’t care. He winds his fingers around my hair and pulls, hard, while I suck him off. A moment later, he pushes me away and comes on my face. I blink and try not to look at Peeta but his hard stare is focused on me. 

Forgive me, Peeta. I can’t help this. I can’t do anything about this. 

One of the men turns me around and pushes me back down. I feel him probe my entrance and I glance up into Peeta’s eyes.

They are full of tears.

As the man thrusts into me, Peeta struggles and yells into his gag. I close my eyes and try to leave the room behind me.

 

I sit straight up, tears streaming from my eyes. I can still taste the Capitolite’s semen in my mouth and I swallow repeatedly, shaking my head. The nightmare lingers and I try to shake myself free of the horror. I blame Johanna and her fucked up attempt to comfort me. Or maybe she wasn’t trying to comfort me, maybe she was just scaring me with what happened to her. That’s more likely. 

I shiver and wince as I feel every inch of my body aching. My head pounds as if someone is beating on my brain with a hammer.

Ugh. This is why I do NOT drink. 

I glance sideways at Peeta and see he is sleeping peacefully. I start to slide the blankets off but let out a tiny moan when I feel a pain in my arm when I try to move forward. Peeta is awake in seconds. I don’t know how the man does it but he always knows when something is wrong with me.

“Katniss!” He sits up and just stares at me. He brings his hand up and it hovers beside my cheek. His eyes fill with tears and I move forward, ignoring the pain. I take my usual spot on his chest and bury my face in his shoulder. His arms wrap around me and he holds me close, kissing my hair and whispers ‘I love you’s’ in my ear. I glance at the window and see that it is still dark outside. He pulls away and gently strokes my cheek with his knuckles.

“Are you…alright?” he asks tentatively.

“I’m not sure. Could you please bring me some water and some medicine?”

“Of course.” He tosses the blankets back and pulls his prosthetic on quickly. I watch him jog from the room and I hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs. Moments later, he is back with a glass of water and two white pills in his palm.

“One for the pain, one for the hangover. Drink all of the water too.” I nod and toss back the pills, draining all of the water. Peeta sets the glass aside and pushes a strand of hair out of my face.

“Do you feel sick?”

“Not really. Just…really sore.”

“Johanna says you fell down the stairs.” I nod. Yes, it comes back to me. And the bruises on my body remind me of it. 

“I’ll be fine,” I say dismissively. Peeta closes his eyes and pulls me into his lap. I wince and he doesn’t miss it.

“Want some more of that healing salve?”

“I’m fine, really.” His lips thin but he doesn’t press the subject. I feel his thumb rake across my cheek and he looks worried.

“Nightmare?” He guesses. I sigh. He always seems to know.

“Johanna told me what our lives would have been like if there had been no rebellion,” I launch into my explanation. “That we would have been sold, like Finnick and the others. I guess Johanna was too. And she said…I think she tried to kill herself. Once. But they found out and killed her loved ones. So she was forced to endure this lifestyle, all alone, and it just made me think…at least I would have had you. But in my dream, they tied you up and you fought against them and they were hurting you. You’re always willing to get hurt for me. I hate it,” I add. His face has gone pale, his eyes wide. But I continue to talk. I can’t seem to stop.

“And you were cursing at them, yelling at them to leave me alone but then all I wanted to do was to protect you. So I did whatever they told me to. We’re always protecting each other. I don’t think it would have been any different, if things had happened differently. I would still belong to you. But you looked so…betrayed when the other men took me. I don’t know, I wanted to apologize and beg you to forgive me but I couldn’t speak. That’s the first time I have ever dreamed something like that. I blame Johanna. I have to say it’s a nice change from watching them pump you with tracker-jacker venom or beating you with pipes,” he blanches and I instantly feel like the most awful person in the world. “Oh god Peeta, I’m sorry. I didn’t…I wasn’t thinking. Forgive me.” 

“There’s nothing to forgive,” he says firmly. “Your nightmare is…well, I’ve dreamed of that before. It was one of my worst fears when we were in the Capitol. I would die before I let another man have you.” 

“Stop getting hurt because of me.”

“I can’t,” he says sadly and I’m instantly returned to that terrible day in the Capitol, when I was saying farewell to the world and he stopped me from taking the nightlock. He seems to be remembering too and his grip on me tightens.

“Katniss, we may never get better. I mean, I’ll always have flashbacks and you will always have these nightmares. But can’t we at least try to live happily? Can’t we make that promise to ourselves, to each other, that we will try to focus on the here and now and just enjoy being together?”

“Yes Peeta, but--“

“Promise.” I look into his gentle eyes and bite my lip.

“I promise.” We seal that promise with a gentle kiss and he brings me back down into the blankets.

“Peeta,” I say after I’m sure he’s fast asleep.

“Mmmhm?”

“I…the reason I was so upset tonight…I lost the pearl. The one you gave me…I’m so sorry.” He’s silent and I’m not sure if he heard me. I hope he didn’t. But I feel him shift underneath me and I feel his hands in my hair.

“I came back to you didn’t I,” he says through a yawn. “Things always have a way of coming back to you.” And with that comforting thought, I lay my head on his chest and fall straight to sleep.


	32. Chapter 32

I wake up early, as the sun is just starting to come up, and quickly call Dane and Cora to let them know what’s happened. Cora assures me they will be fine and to take care of Katniss. I fall back asleep, with her wrapped in my arms.

When we wake again, Katniss sits up and her hand goes to her forehead, her eyes squeezed shut. I reach out to steady her and her hand grips my arm.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” she mutters. 

“Want me to help you to the bathroom?” She sits there for a moment then shakes her head.

“Never mind.” Despite the fact that my girl is suffering, I have to fight back a smile. Katniss is the very last person I would expect to be nursing a hangover.  
She turns and scowls deeply.

“Stop laughing at me!”

“I’m not laughing at you!”

“Well then stop smiling at me. I’m sick, can’t you see that?”

“I’m sorry,” I tell her honestly, reaching out to brush hair off her head but she jerks out of my reach. “I’m sorry, it’s just…I find it amusing, ok? Not that you’re sick but that we’re finally feeling something semi-normal for a teenager. We barely had time to grow up and now, with everything that’s happened, a hangover seems too normal for you and me.” She groans and lowers her head.

“Remind me to never drink again.” I smile and gather her in my arms.

“I’ll fix you a hot bath and some tea. Stay here.”

“Wait. Don’t you have to go to work?”

“I’m not going anywhere, Katniss. I’m not leaving your side, today.”

“Peeta--“

“Katniss, don’t argue,” I sigh. “It’s normal for boyfriends and girlfriends to help each other when they get sick. Don’t deny me my rights as a boyfriend,” I add teasingly but for some reason, her face falls and she bites her lip. I watch her, wondering what’s going through her head.

“By those counts, you were my boyfriend a long time ago,” she says quietly. Oh damn.

“Well, we just skipped the boyfriend and girlfriend part and went straight to engaged.” I mean it as another joke but she visibly deflates and withdraws into herself.

Except this time I don’t let her. I pull her into my arms and hold her close.

“Katniss, hey, listen to me. You have to stop going to that dark place.”

“What place,” she sniffles. 

“Wherever you go when your eyes glaze over and you start sinking. I’m trying to keep you with me but you have to try too. I can’t do it alone. And I’ll be damned if I let you leave me. We’re doing so much better, babe.” She looks up at me with a raised brow.

“Babe?” I grin sheepishly. Katniss is not one for pet names but it doesn’t stop me from trying them out.

“It’s normal for a boyfriend to use pet names?” She shakes her head, though a smile lingers around her lips. Or at least, her lips are less thin.

“What is your obsession with normal lately?” 

“I dunno. I guess I’m just trying it out. We were still kids when our lives changed. Seeing others around me, living normally, makes me want that. Seeing Dane and Cora so…happy with each other. I guess I want that for us,” I finish, shrugging. She wraps her arms around my neck and straddles my lap.

“We’re not Cora and Dane. We’re Katniss and Peeta. And we’re not normal. We will never be normal. But what we have, defies description. What we have is special, so why would you want it to be normal?” My heart swells and I swoop down on her for a kiss. I feel her fingers tug at my hair and I harden underneath her. She shifts a little and we both gasp. She’s positioned right over me, and I can feel how wet she is getting, just through her underwear. I pull her into me, one hand pressing against her back while my other slides down her body and into her lace panties. She throws her head back and I hold onto her, keeping my eyes on her flushed face. I find her wetness and spread it around before I sink my fingers into her. Her fingers clutch my shoulders and her nails nearly break the skin. We’re both panting as I work to bring her to the edge, my fingers moving faster and faster. 

“Peeta,” she says through clenched teeth and I close my eyes at the sound of it. I live for her breathy moans, her soft sighs, and her sweet declarations of love. We gaze into each others’ eyes and I’m lost in those storms of grey. She reaches down and pulls back the waistband of my boxer shorts. I move them down to my feet and bring my fingers to my mouth, sucking her off of them. She reaches down to grasp me but I stop her. I can tell she’s in pain when she moves. And all I care about is getting her off. I reach back down to finish what I started but she shakes her head.

“You first.” She brings my hand to her breast and I cup her in my palm. My other hand slides down and I bite my lip as I grip myself. Katniss’s arousal as well as my own saliva on my hands makes my heart leap and I thrust into my hand. I massage and knead her breast while my hand moves up and down. She leans back and spreads her legs wide, and I watch with wide eyes as her hand drifts down. I let out a strangled gasp as her fingers make small circles, then she sinks two fingers into herself and starts pumping. She throws her head back again and I squeeze her breast. She looks up at me and brings her fingers to my lips. I eagerly grab her hand and suck on her digits.

Fuck! This woman will be the death of me one day. She brings her hand back down and starts to finger herself. I can’t believe that I am able to resist from thrusting into her, but I lean back to watch her as I feel myself getting close. I have never seen her do this before, I didn’t even know if she did it, whenever I’m not home. But I love the look on her face. I have to wonder what she’s thinking about. I think it’s me. I hope it’s me. 

“Fuck! Katniss!”

“Mmm, I’m so close, Peeta!”

“God, me too.” I hold off for as long as I can. But the sight of her before me, her hand moving quickly, her legs slightly bent, her sweet pussy, so pink and perfect and I am gone. I wipe my hand on my shorts and immediately push her hand aside. My thumb finds her clit and I rub, hard, until her hips jerk upwards and she screams my name. 

I push her hair out of her eyes and kiss her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, and finally her lips. She lazily raises an arm and strokes my hair and my face. 

“I love that my name is the one you scream when you finish,” I say quietly. Her eyes flutter open and she smiles.

“You’re the only one I’ve ever thought about. If you’re not the one getting me off, then it’s thoughts of you that get me off.” I freeze and my eyes widen. Did she really just say what I think she did?

She seems to realize what she let slip and her eyes pop open. 

“Wait, wait. Go back. What now?”

“Drop it, Peeta.”

“Ohhhh no. You just admitted you think of me when you touch yourself,” I say with a grin. “Allow me some time to process this. And bask in this perfect thought.

“Peeta!” She hits my arm and I grin down at her.

“Damn, now all I’ll be thinking about is you in the shower, touching yourself and moaning my name.” She blushes and I think it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

“I don’t do it that often,” she mutters.

“But you do it.” She looks up at me and nods and I lean down to kiss her. Kneeing her legs apart, I rub myself against her and feel her so ready for me. She clutches my arms as I enter her and we spend the rest of the morning, becoming lost in each other with absolutely no desire to be found.

 

When we finally make it out of the bed and head toward the bathroom, I feel awful. She is limping pretty badly and her body is covered in bruises. If I had been coherent, I would not have initiated sex this morning but at least I know she wanted it too. My hand goes to her back as I help her into the bathroom and I quickly get the tub filled. She slides in and looks up at me expectantly.

“You’re not going to join me?”

“I will in a minute. I’m going to go make you some tea and bring you more medicine.” “Peeta, I don’t need the tea. I need you.” I grin at her words.

“The tea will help. Unlike me, who is probably making it worse. I’ll be right back.” I kiss her before she can protest and hurry downstairs. 

While I’m taking the kettle off the stove, I hear a knock at the back door and my head jerks up when the door opens. 

“Damn it, don’t scare me like that,” I scold. Haymitch and Johanna stop and stare at me.

“Well sweetheart must be feeling better!” I frown.

“Why would you say that?”

“You reek of sex, little baker boy,” Johanna cackles and I feel myself turn red. “Sometimes I forget how young you two are.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” my voice is higher than usual and I blush again. Johanna and Haymitch chuckle and I can see why Katniss doesn’t like being laughed at.

“Ok ok, enough. Get out of here, I’m about to take this tea up to Katniss and don’t need you two upsetting her.”

“Is she alright,” Johanna’s face is serious now. “Did she say anything?”

“I haven’t really asked her. I think her hangover was just making her nightmares worse. Thank you, by the way, for telling her what would have happened to us if the  
revolution hadn’t happened.” 

“What’re you…oh,” her face falls. Haymitch looks between us, bemused. I scowl at Johanna and she shrugs.

“Well I’m sorry but brainless has to realize, despite all the sacrifices, Panem is a much better place now. You mean to tell me it didn’t once cross her mind that she was considered a desirable victor?” 

“She was young and naïve, Jo. When Haymitch and I discussed it for the first time, I was shocked and vowed they would never touch her. That’s part of the reason I went along with the whole marriage thing. I thought at least if we were married, they would leave her alone. Or I was willing to take her place, if needed.” Haymitch finally catches on to our conversation and his nose screws up.

“Why the hell are we talking about this now?”

“Because Johanna told Katniss about it last night and she ended up having a new nightmare, featuring her and me in the lifestyles of the rich and fucked up.” 

“I’m sorry, Peeta. I didn’t mean to make things worse. How is she after that fall, though?” I can see through Johanna’s tough-girl layers and know she is genuinely concerned for us. For Katniss. 

“She’s pretty bruised up but after her bath, I’m going to give her some of my healing salve from the Capitol. It usually does pretty good with cuts and bruises and the like. When are you taking off again?”

“I was going to wait to say goodbye to her but George called this morning and asked me to meet him in 8 so I’m on my way to meet him. I’ll have your package sent to  
the bakery, by the way.” I nod gratefully. 

“I better get back to her before she starts to worry. Take care of yourself. We will see you soon.” We hug and they leave. I finish the tea and set everything on a tray, then take it back upstairs.

She’s leaning against the wall with her eyes closed when I come back in. I worry that she will fall asleep and drown herself but then I scold myself. Katniss knows how to take care of herself. Give her some credit. She opens her eyes and sits up and I set the tray on the toilet, lowering myself in the floor by the tub.

“Here, drink this. It will help with the nausea.” She sips at her tea and obediently swallows down the pills. I brought up a couple of left over cheese buns and cookies and she devours those as well. She hands me the cup and I set it back on the tray before I struggle to my feet and remove my boxers, sliding into the tub behind her. I shiver, for the water’s gotten a little cold but she settles on my chest and I welcome her warmth. I hold her for as long as she will let me. My arms wrapped around her waist, her head tilted back on my chest and my eyes start to close. I know we need to talk about everything but for now, we enjoy the peace and perfection of just being together.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am REALLY bad at planning parties. To be fair, I have never really planned a party before but my birthday was so wonderful and Peeta did such a great job in planning that I wanted to do the same for him.

Of course I fail. 

I call Effie while Peeta is at work and ask her to help me. She squeals in my ear and starts listing all of the things I’ll need. It takes about a half a second for me to feel vastly overwhelmed. I decide immediately that I will be the one to bake his cake. I might regret this but I am following his father’s recipes. Please, Mr. Mellark. Help me.  
Then it’s my turn to worry about gifts. Johanna cackles and tells me sex is the best gift but I give that to him every day. Something special, I tell her. So she sends me a lingerie catalogue that makes me blush ten shades of red.

“All Peeta has ever wanted is you,” she tells me. “For one night, let him have you. Whatever he wants, give it to him.” 

It’s not that I don’t trust him but I know my Peeta and he always puts me first. He wouldn’t go with this idea because he’d ask me what I want, and this night isn’t about me! So I make up my mind to order the lingerie that Johanna suggested and finish calling everyone to invite to the party. We’re still a week away from his birthday and I try to keep everything as secret as I possibly can. 

I start to notice that he is acting sort of strange. Almost nervous. When I ask him if everything is alright, he blushes and mumbles ‘fine’. So of course I start to worry. I’m terrified that I have done something wrong and it sends me into a panic attack. My panic attack sends Peeta into a flashback and he spends several hours trying to bring himself out of it.

We are so messed up. I could never think of being with anyone else but I don’t even think that’s possible anymore. We would scare other people away. Maybe that’s why we don’t have many people over for dinner. We keep to ourselves and sometimes spend time with Haymitch. We rarely see the others, except at work. Johanna has come by, of course, and Effie has come to visit on several occasions and Annie has promised to bring Finn for a visit soon.

That’s it. Victors. People who understand us and what we have been through. I start to wonder if we will ever have the normal life that Peeta so desires. I don’t think so. But then, as I told him, we aren’t normal. And I don’t really want to be. So I spend the week trying to figure out what’s wrong and if there’s any chance of me fixing it before his birthday.


	33. Chapter 33

I am a nervous wreck and I know Katniss has noticed. I’ve been trying to avoid her but don’t want her to think she has done anything wrong. It all started with a certain package that arrived at the bakery last week.

I had been in the kitchen when the mail was delivered. Delly burst through the doors, her face flushed and her eyes wide.

“Peeta! This was just delivered for you! From District 1!” I nervously held out my hands and Delly handed me a small black box. She stared at me, almost tapping her foot impatiently. I cleared my throat and stuffed the box into my pocket.

“Peeta! Is that really what I think it is?”

“It depends on what you think it is.”

“Oh please. A black box! A little black box! It’s a ring! It’s a ring for Katniss! You are going to propose!” I remained silent and she squealed and jumped around the room. I took a step back, shaking my head in amazement. Delly has always been one of my dearest friends but sometimes her…enthusiasm is a lot to take. 

“Delly, calm down. You can’t breathe a word about this. To anyone!” Her eyes widened. Damn it. She’s probably the last person who should know about this.

“I swear it, Peeta. My lips are sealed!” I nodded and took a deep breath.

“Can I see it?” I looked back at her and bit my lip. 

“Ok.” I pulled the box from my pocket and noticed my hands trembling as I opened it. Delly and I both gasped at the same time. It’s absolutely perfect.   
I don’t imagine Katniss one for a lot of flashy jewelry but I think she will love this. Her pearl is set in the middle of two rows of jewels, one of small diamonds, the other tiny emeralds. The rows form a design that looks like a wave, reminding me of the beautiful waves we watched together in District 4. If I could take her anywhere for a honeymoon, it would be 4. We were both so at peace and she was even flirtatious and giddy. The emeralds are her favorite shade of green and they surround the pearl perfectly. I started to shake at the thought of this ring on Katniss’s slender finger. 

“Peeta,” Delly said quietly. “It’s so beautiful.”

“You…you think she’ll like it?”

“It’s perfect. She will love it. And there’s no way she can say no!” I bit my lip. There is a way she could say no. She has made herself clear where she stands on marriage more than once. But then, I remember what she said when Johanna was in town. She thinks I’ve given up on asking her. I don’t know what she’ll say, quite honestly, but I can hope that she has changed her mind and she will agree to marry me. I closed the box and put it back in my pocket.  
Now I just have to think of how to do it, I thought to myself.

So here I am, almost a week later, still racking my brain for romantic ideas. Trouble is, Katniss isn’t really the romantic type. She still takes my breath away when something loving comes out of her mouth. The other night when we were making dinner, I caught her staring at me and asked her what was wrong. She just grinned and said, “I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found you.” Later on, when we were working on the Memory Book, she let slip that she hopes our kids understand how incredible their aunt Prim was.

I swear I nearly had a heart attack. I had turned white as a sheet and so had she, once she realized what she had said.

“Oh Peeta…I’m sorry. I didn’t…that just slipped out, I wasn’t thinking…”

“You…you’re still dead set against having kids, aren’t you?” She gave me a sad look.

“I just can’t, Peeta.” 

Still, it was the first time I have ever heard her say anything like that. And we’re not even married yet! We’re still really young so I’m determined not to give up.   
Deciding I need some extra help, I push aside my pride and enlist Johanna and Annie. Annie is more help than Jo, because at least she’s somewhat romantic but Johanna is changing due to her relationship with George and they both had some good ideas.

Best thing they both came up with is asking her in her favorite spot. The lake. She’s taken me out there many times and I love the time we spend together. I love that she took me to hers and her father’s special spot. She never even shared it with Gale. But me…she chose to share it with me. Oh I’ll admit, I was doing a little happy dance inside my head. Take that Gale Hawthorne, I say to myself smugly.   
Surprisingly, they both came up with the same thing. Maybe it’s because they both know Katniss or maybe because they know what we’ve all been through. We just want something real. I want to ask her, for real, to be my wife and not for the cameras. For real.   
I call Mrs. Everdeen and formally ask for Katniss’s hand. She consents and gives me her blessing. 

I decide the day before my 18th birthday is perfect. I’m not sure what she has in store for my actual birthday but she has been sneaking around so I know something is up. She’s really terrible at surprises so I’m actually shocked that I haven’t figured this one out. Then again, I’m not really trying. The very thought that she is trying to do something special for me is more than enough.

We wake up in each other’s arms and are still naked from the night before. I grin as I kiss her nose and continue to plant kisses all over her face until I’m met with those grey eyes I love so much. She sits up a little and smiles.

“Mm, good morning.”

“Morning beautiful.” She tries to hide her smile but I pull her into my arms and kiss her forehead.

“Why’re you smiling?”

“I just love waking up next to you like this,” she says softly and my heart is about to leap out of my chest.

“Me too. I hope we can do it for the rest of our lives,” I tell her honestly.

“That’s the plan,” is her reply. My breath catches in my throat and I squeeze her hand. She smiles and squeezes back before tossing back the covers.

“Can’t believe I slept that late. I was going to go hunting early.”

“Hey, take a day off. Spend some time with me. We can have a picnic in the woods.” 

“That sounds nice but don’t you have to work?”

“Tomorrow’s my birthday. Let me celebrate it early.” She frowns.

“You were planning to go into work on your birthday?”

“Well…you haven’t really said if we have plans or not,” I test her. “And besides, it’s just another day. I didn’t have too many happy birthdays growing up.”

“Neither did I, Peeta, but you made mine the best one ever. Besides, you told me you expected a big deal for yours. Fireworks, if I recall.” I chuckle and shake my head.

“I don’t need fireworks. Just you.”

“Fine. I’ll cancel the fireworks. But I want to spend the day with you.” Two days off? Well, I am the owner and the boss. So I shrug.

“I might get in trouble with the boss but it’s worth it to spend two whole days with you.” She rolls her eyes at my joke and leans in to kiss me.

“I’ll start getting ready.” I hold our next kiss for longer than she intended and to my delight, she’s breathless when I pull away.

“Let’s take a shower,” I murmur before I kiss her again. Just for good measure, I squeeze her backside and hear her squeal against my lips. I grin and end up chasing her into the bathroom.

I pack our lunch while she gets ready. When she comes down the stairs, she’s wearing a cute green summer dress and little white sandals. I’m shocked that she hasn’t covered her shoulders; she’s usually very self-conscious about her scars but I suppose the woods makes her feel free and I love that. I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her in for a kiss.

“You’re a vision.” She bats my hand away but returns my kiss.

“You’re finally getting your swimming lesson today.” I try to act excited. She has been wanting to teach me to swim for ages and I just can’t shake my nervousness, despite the fact that I feel safest with her. She senses my anxiety and holds my face in her hands.

“You’re safe with me, Peeta. I’ll protect you.” I bring my hands up to rest on hers.

“You always do,” I tell her. Another quick kiss and we are heading out toward the woods. 

I had hoped it would be a cooler day, what with it being September already but my shirt is sticking to my back as we trek through the woods. Katniss braids her hair and drapes it on her side so it is out of the way and by the time we reach the middle of the forest, we both stop and nearly drain our water bottles. The good thing is, fall is approaching and nature is beautiful at this time. The woman beside me is even more exquisite. These woods really bring out another side of her and at first, I was stunned to see how she completely lit up in the woods. Now, I expect it. Whenever she brings me here, there is color in her cheeks, her eyes are bright, and she has a smile that is just infectious.

Katniss sets the picnic basket on a large rock by the lake and turns her face toward the sun, closing her eyes and enjoying the warmth.

“Should we eat first or swim?” She turns to me and looks skeptical.

“Don’t you know you should never swim right after eating? You’ll drown.”

“Who told you that,” I say laughingly.

“Dad. He used to tell me lots of random life-saving advice.” 

“Well, in that case. I guess we swim first.” I watch her lift her dress up past her knees and wade into the shallow part of the stream. She loves this part of her woods because the stream trickles into the lake and it is really beautiful watching the ripples in the water. The stones at the bottom are multi-colored and the water is so clear that we can easily see the bottom. She’s said before that it brings her peace and comfort. I’m not too sure about my prosthetic on muddy banks but I reach for her   
hand and she pulls me to her. Her arm snakes around my waist and she tugs me close.

“Just feel the water, Peeta. Be one with the waves.” She closes her eyes and I follow suit. The feel of her arm around my waist and her hand in mine comforts me. I take in the beauty of the place I am in and the woman beside me. I decide my life can’t get much better than this. I suddenly can’t wait any longer. If I don’t ask her now, I’m going to chicken out and that will be the worst thing in the world.

“Can we go ahead and eat? I’m just hungrier than I thought.” She looks surprised but nods and I lead her out of the water. We settle on the blanket and I pass her the basket.

“Did you make sandwiches?”

“I made a loaf of bread and brought a jar of preserves with some fruit. The bread should be on top.”

“Yeah, it’s right…right…here,” she trails off, her eyes wide and I know she’s found it. I watch her hesitantly, as she holds the loaf of raisin-nut bread in her hands. The words ‘Marry Me’ have been carved into the loaf. She looks up at me, her eyes wide and her jaw gaping. I take her hand and move to sit up on my knee.

“Katniss, you are my world. My reason for breathing. I told you once, without you, I’d have nothing. You’re my whole life, and I know without you, I’d be completely lost. You told me a long time ago that you never wanted to be married but I feel like we have just grown closer and waking up next to me every morning may have changed your mind. I know we will never really be fully healed…but with you, life is better. It has meaning again. With you, I’m happier than I have ever been in my life. I know I’m a lot to handle and love and I thank you for doing it every day. I’ll only ask this once and if your answer is no, then I’ll respect your decision and continue to live with you without asking you to change anything. Katniss Everdeen, will you do me the tremendous honor of becoming my wife?” She’s silent for the longest time and I feel like I am in quicksand , just sinking deeper and deeper. My knee is starting to get sore and I bite my lip so hard that I draw blood. All of a sudden she flings her arms around my neck and kisses me hard on the mouth. My arms go around her and I respond to her urgent kisses. But after a few moments of this, I draw back and grin at her swollen lips.

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes Peeta,” she cries. “I want nothing more than to call you my husband.” 

Oh my god, those words. They’re the most amazing and terrifying and wonderful and breathtaking and mind-numbing words I have ever heard in my life. Even more so, than hearing my name called at the Reaping. Than hearing Katniss’s name called. 

She said yes. She’s agreed to be my wife. And it’s just for us.

It’s real.

I gather her in my arms and kiss her until we’re left with no breath. And then I continue to kiss her a little more. When I come back to earth, I lean back and pull out the black velvet box. Her eyes widen and her hand goes to her mouth.

“I don’t want you to be mad,” I tell her quickly and her eyes fly back to mine. “I feel awful for hiding this from you. But I think you understand.” I open the box and she lets out a gasp. Her hands fly to her mouth and I gently lower her hand. She sniffles as I slide the ring onto her finger and then she’s kissing me again. I barely have time to register what is happening before my pants are around my ankles, she’s lifted her dress and shoved her panties aside, and then she’s sinking down on top of me. I moan as I clutch her hips, helping her move up and down.

“Oh god, Katniss,” I pant as her arms wrap around my neck. One of my hands remains on her hip while the other finds her clit.

“Peeta!” 

“God I love you, Katniss. I love you so much.” 

“I love you, Peeta. I’m yours forever,” she gasps out as she continues to ride me. We release together and I lay back on the blanket, bringing her down on top of me. She pants into my shoulder and her arm drapes over my waist. My fingers absent-mindedly play with her hair and I glance at her to see her admiring her ring. I grin broadly.

“You like it?” 

“Peeta, I love it! It’s so beautiful! And I can’t tell you how relieved I am that I didn’t lose this.” I bite my lip uncertainly.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you…but I knew the ring would make it worth it.”

“At least I’ll never lose it again,” she says tiredly as she repositions her head onto my chest. I’m about to close my eyes too when hers shoot open and she lifts her head.

“Johanna,” she says quietly. I nod, guiltily. 

“She and George were taking a trip to 1 and I know they do the best with luxury items. She sent me pictures, asking me what I wanted and I saw this design and knew it was perfect. But instead of all diamonds, I asked for emeralds for your woods. The jeweler said he had never made anything like it. It’s one of a kind, just like you.” She   
smiles and lowers her head again.

“I love you,” she says breathlessly. 

“I can’t believe…is this really happening? Did we just…you’re going to be my wife?” She looks up at me again and reaches out to touch my cheek.

“Real, Peeta,” she breathes. “It’s real. I love you. And I’m going to be your wife.” She gasps and sits up. “I need to call my mother! She’ll be…oh, I don’t know what she will say--“

“She already knows,” I say gently, sitting up with her. She looks puzzled and I grin sheepishly.

“I called her to ask her for your hand. She gives us both her blessing and says she can’t wait to see you at the wedding.” 

“Oh…a wedding,” her face falls a little and my hand goes to her face.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just…I don’t want a big wedding, Peeta. I never did. The opening of the bakery was almost too much for me and that wasn’t even about me. I don’t want cameras or people I hardly know. Just us. And our closest friends. I’m sorry,” she adds, looking guilty. I tilt her chin up and smile.

“You just agreed to marry me. We can get married in a bunker in 13 for all I care. It doesn’t matter how or where we get married, Katniss, all I care about is being with you for the rest of my life.” 

“Then can we just have a private toasting? Just us? And then we can figure out a reception to invite our friends and family too?” I’ll admit it took me by surprise. But it shouldn’t have. Katniss is a very private person. I know Mrs. Everdeen was hoping to see her daughter wed, and Effie would scream if she knew she missed the actual moment. But as I had told Katniss, as long as I get to marry her, I don’t care where it is. So I agree to a private toasting. I ask her if she wants to tell everyone and she agrees for us to go home and start calling people. 

I’m holding her hand while we have Mrs. Everdeen on speaker. She starts crying and Katniss looks at me uncomfortably. Mrs. Everdeen says that Prim would be so happy for us and that’s when Katniss starts crying too. I hold her close while she and her mother exchange words. Katniss promises to inform her the moment we know our plans and Mrs. Everdeen promises to be there. Before she hangs up, she thanks me one more time. After she hangs up, Katniss sinks to the floor and cries and I hold her close. Prim would be so overjoyed to see her sister so happy. And she was the one in 13 who would not let me give up. She was the one who told me that Katniss loved me and I couldn’t give up on that.

I’m so glad I didn’t. Thank you, Prim.

When she’s calmed down, we call Haymitch but of course he doesn’t answer. We decide we will walk over and tell him and we call Johanna next. She doesn’t answer either and we don’t know the number to George’s. So Annie is next and she squeals louder than Effie would.

“Oh I’m sorry,” she says, dropping her voice. “I’m just so excited for you both! I have been dying to take a trip to 12 to see you ever since Peeta’s bakery opened! Johanna tells me you’re both doing wonderfully.”

“We’re still taking it one day at a time, Annie,” Katniss says, her voice still raw from her tears.

“That’s all you can do, sweetie. Please call me with details and Finn and I will both be there!”

“That would be so great, Annie, we’re dying to meet him,” I tell her. “Johanna showed us a picture the last time she was in town.”

“It’s scary, isn’t it?” she says quietly. Katniss and I both nod. Finn is the spitting image of his father. I often wonder how Annie copes but she sounds great and Johanna says she is a terrific mother.

I feel a pang in my chest. I’m not around many kids. Sure some of them come into the bakery and I always give them free cookies but Annie will bring Finn and I know I’ll get attached to the kid. I couldn’t help but love his father. I don’t want to let myself get too attached to children. I don’t want Katniss to see the look of longing on my face and decide that she can’t marry me because she thinks I’m wasting my life or whatever bull shit she spouts out.   
I feel Katniss shaking me and watching me expectantly.

“Oh, sorry Annie, what was that?”

“I asked if you’ll be taking a honeymoon? You deserve a lovely get away and 4 is so beautiful around this time.” 

“I’d…we’d love that Annie, but…” I trail off, glancing at Katniss, who is hanging her head. I pull her close and kiss her cheek.

“We will probably just stay in 12,” I say firmly. Annie is quiet for a moment and I know she is remembering about Katniss’s exile. 

“Good idea,” she says cheerfully. “It’s home, after all. Well, please let me know as soon as you know the details! I wouldn’t miss it for the world. And congratulations again.”

“Thank you, Annie.” We say goodbye and hang up. Katniss turns away, sighing and I place my hands on her shoulders.

“Stop thinking so much,” I say firmly.

“She’s right though. You deserve a honeymoon. I’m keeping you trapped here.”

“First off, I’m not trapped. I can come and go if I want and I just choose not to. Secondly, I choose this life with you. No one forced me into it and I definitely made the choice to be with you and only you for the rest of our lives. Besides, maybe we can get Paylor to lift your exile for our honeymoon? As a wedding present you know?” She nods but looks doubtful. I kiss her forehead and assure her I’ll take care of everything.   
The evening has gotten a little cooler so we change clothes and head over to Haymitch’s house. He’s on the porch with his geese and he blinks up at us.

“Well hey there lovebirds. What’s got you all aglow?” Katniss doesn’t say anything but just extends her hand and the light catches the ring perfectly. Haymitch’s eyes pop open and he lets out a whistle.

“You actually did it then,” he says softly, looking up at me. I can’t help but grin broadly as I hold her close to my side.

“Well congrats kids. Can’t say I’m too shocked but I’m happy all the same. When’s the big day?”

“We want a private toasting, just the two of us. Then we will have a reception in town with all our friends and family. I suppose they won’t consider it ‘legal’ until we sign the papers at the reception but I want to marry him without everyone watching. We have been in the spotlight for too damn long.” Haymitch nods in understanding.

“I think that’s a great idea.” I’m surprised at how quickly he agrees with her but then again, they have always had a mutual understanding. I think that’s why he always chose her over me. They’re a lot alike. Not that I would have it any other way but I know Haymitch likes me and he looks at us as his own children now. 

“You want the toasting before or after the ceremony?” Katniss glances at me then back at Haymitch.

“I sort of want us to be married before the ceremony. But if you don’t think they will agree to that--“

“You’re both of age,” he says, waving his hand. “You can do whatever you want. The toasting is just our tradition in 12. Not everyone does it. In some places, the ceremony IS the wedding. In others, they don’t have any kind of ceremony. The man and woman exchange vows and rings and that’s it. They’re wed. It’s your wedding day, sweetheart, you choose what’s important to you.” She glances up at me again and I know this time, she will surprise me with whatever she’s going to say.

“Then I want to get married in front of our closest friends and family. We could do it here, in Victor’s Village. Small and intimate,” she pauses and looks shy. “And Haymitch…I want you to give me away.” Haymitch and I gape at her in shock. I swear there are tears in that old man’s eyes but he covers it as he always does and straightens up in his chair.

“Gladly, sweetheart. He can have you.” I chuckle and Katniss joins in. 

“Aw damn, this means I’ll have to get a tux,” he mumbles and I shake my head.

“Who else do you want at the wedding?”

“We can hold off on telling the others for now. We’ll invite your employees and Sae, of course. Let’s go home and plan.” She squeezes my hand and I laugh at her excitement. Katniss is the last girl I’d expect to be excited about her wedding but you know what, she always said she never wanted to get married and she just asked our mentor to give her away.

The girl never ceases to amaze me.

When we get home, we try Johanna again but still no answer. We call Effie and she squeals even louder than Annie. 

“Oh my darlings,” she gushes, “I am so very happy for you both. After everything, you deserve the most splendid wedding anyone has ever had.”

“I don’t want a huge spectacle, Effie,” Katniss says quickly. “Something small and intimate. We don’t want this to be for all of Panem. It’s for us. And we’d love to have you there.”

“I’ll be there, my dears,” she assures us. When we hang up, she turns to me and smiles.

“So, want to go downstairs and start planning?”

“Actually,” I say slyly, my hands going to her waist, “I think I’d rather take my fiancé into the bedroom and make love to her until the sun comes up.” 

“Peeta,” she squeals before she runs out of the room. I chase her all through the house and punish her by pressing her wrists into the bed as I plunge into her. I don’t think she minds the punishment too much, because when we’re finished, she’s off streaking through the house again, leaving me to call her name threateningly before I run off to find her and punish her again.


	34. Chapter 34

I am completely exhausted when my alarm goes off but I quickly shut it off and roll out of Peeta’s arms. Thankfully, he continues to sleep. I think we finally went to sleep around 4 am and the sun is barely up now. But I want to get a head start on his birthday so I quickly don one of his shirts and head downstairs. 

The cake I have been working on is tucked safely at the back of the fridge. I’m actually very proud of it and hope it tastes decent. I hurry around, fixing breakfast and arrange it all on a tray. I open the cabinets and search through his baking supplies, finally finding what I need. I glance at the clock, trying to hurry before he wakes up. Finally I’m finished and I examine my work. Not as neat as Peeta would have done but still not terrible. 

Carefully, I carry the tray to our bedroom and see that he is just starting to wake. I set the tray on the table and lean in to kiss him. His eyes flutter open and I’m still breathless when I see those crystal blue orbs. 

“Good morning,” I say through my kisses.

“Mmm. Morning,” he says, his voice husky with sleep. He leans back to survey me and he grunts in approval. I know he loves seeing me in his clothes. The button up shirt I’m wearing is much too big and hangs off me but he doesn’t seem to care. I reach over and bring the tray into his lap and he sits up, his eyes widening.

“What’s all this?”

“Happy birthday.”

“Katniss,” he looks at me reverently and I lean in to kiss him again. I don’t even mind the morning breath. This beautiful boy-man- will soon be my husband.  
The moment he asked me to marry him, I was terrified. I never wanted to be like my mother, when she lost my father. If something happens to Peeta I know I will never make it. But I suppose that’s true even without marrying him. I know now that I need him to survive. My dandelion. My perfect flower in the spring. And I’ve agreed to become something that I never thought I would become.

A wife. 

He sips at his tea and smacks his lips in delight.

“This is wonderful. Where did you get this recipe?”

“Annie actually suggested it. They have it a lot in 4. I tried it and thought you would really like it. I love the mint.” He nods and takes another sip. For breakfast, I’ve made him eggs benedict (he tried it in the Capitol during the Victory Tour and now doesn’t eat his eggs any other way) with squirrel meat patties (he says no matter how fancy he can eat now, his favorite is still squirrel) with potatoes and a slice of raisin-nut bread. 

“This looks amazing, Katniss. Thank you.”

“Dinner won’t be until later so enjoy your breakfast. What would you like to do today?”

“You mean you don’t have the whole day planned out,” he teases. 

“I had a tentative schedule but I wanted to see if you’d like to do anything in particular.” 12 isn’t exactly filled with things to do. We just got two new restaurants and there is talk about putting in something called a cinema. I have no idea what it is but I stay away from Capitol inventions, even though Delly says it will be fun. But for Peeta and I, who have toured all over Panem and seen their districts, we both are content just to stay close to home.

“Well tell me what you have planned.”

“I cancelled the fireworks.” He smirks at me and I grin. “Ok, we were going to go for a walk in the woods and lunch at Sae’s. Then see if Haymitch wants to join us for a game of croquet (Effie brought us the game from the Capitol several months ago and Peeta turned out to be very good at it) and then we could come inside and freshen up and get ready for your party. Our friends will be over around 7 for dinner and presents. And we will wrap up the evening with a bubble bath for two.” He looks surprised that I have planned this all out. 

“I’m impressed,” he says, pushing the tray onto the table and pulling me closer to him. “But what if I just want to stay in bed all day long with my gorgeous fiancé?” I think he loves saying that word. I love hearing it. I shiver and he kisses my neck.

“Well it’s your birthday. I’ll let you make the plans.” 

“Good. Come here.” 

“Wait! There’s still one more thing you haven’t eaten.”

“I’m hungry for something else right now,” he says in a low growl that makes me grow wetter by the minute.

“Peeta,” I plead and he sighs and releases me.

“Ok. What is it?” I grab a napkin from the tray and hand it to him. He holds the napkin in his palm and glances up at me once before lowering his eyes to examine what is in his hand.

A single sugar cookie, one that he has baked, with two messy words in icing.

I Do.

He looks up at me with the biggest smile on his face and he sets the cookie aside.

“It’s too beautiful to eat,” he mutters before he yanks me forward. He nuzzles the buttons on his shirt and slides it off my shoulders, leaving me naked to his gaze. He lets out a moan of longing when he sees I have no underwear on and his hand trails down my stomach.

“Miss Everdeen, you’re such a naughty girl.” 

“Only for you, Mr. Mellark.” His eyes light up and he pulls me in for a kiss. He leans me back onto the bed and starts kissing his way down my body. I squirm underneath him and try to sit up.

“Peeta,” I pant, trying to stay focused. “It’s…your birthday! I should…I should, ah! I should be doing--“  
“You should quit talking, lie back, and let me do whatever I want to,” he growls, looking up at me from between my thighs. When I feel his tongue on me, I don’t have the strength to argue anymore. So I obey and let the birthday boy do whatever he wants. 

 

Peeta throws a complete wrench in my plans and we stay in bed for the entire day. When I finally tell him guests will be over soon, he agrees to get in the shower but he pins me against the wall and has his way with me again. I guess I can’t fault him for it. I denied him my love for too long and if he wants me for his birthday, he can have all of me. I just hope he isn’t tired of me by the end of today.

After we shower and dry off, I dress in a long orange dress I found while I was out with Delly. His eyes light up and he pulls me to him but my hands gently press against his chest.

“Behave yourself tonight,” I admonish.

“You can’t tell me what to do,” he argues. “I’m 18 now.” 

“I was 18 before you,” I remind him and he sticks his tongue out like a petulant child, which makes me laugh. He grins and looks quite proud of himself for making me laugh. I kiss him sweetly and he rubs noses with me. I can’t believe how insanely happy we are and, dare I say it, normal. Just two normal kids, in love.

“I love you so much,” he sighs and I wrap my arms around his neck and stand on tiptoe.

“I love you too.” 

“Those words. I still…” he trails off and I kiss him again.

“Real,” I breathe and he nods.

“I know. I know.” 

We break apart and head downstairs just as I hear a knock on the door. 

“Damn it, I haven’t even started,” I groan as I run to the door. Delly and Thom enter together, their arms around each other. This takes me by surprise and I spin around to see Peeta’s wide eyes watching them as well. Guess we’ve missed a lot. 

“Happy birthday, Peeta,” Delly cries as she runs to her friend. I smile when she hugs him tightly and Peeta thanks her graciously. 

“Thom, could you help Peeta bring up that table from the basement? We’ll need the extra space.”

“Of course Miss Katniss.” The boys disappear into the basement and Delly joins me in the kitchen.

“What can I do to help?”

“Well, I’m terribly behind on everything,” I say guiltily. “It’s a good thing I already cooked the turkey. Can you go ahead and peel the potatoes so we can get those started?”

“Of course!” Cora and Dane come in next and immediately offer to help. Peeta and Thom bring up the table and set up the kitchen. Peeta’s eyes light up at the smell of the warming turkey and I know he must be hungry. Hell, I don’t know how he has any strength left. Effie and Haymitch walk in, followed by Johanna and a man we haven’t met but I’m positive this must be George. 

“Happy birthday, bread boy,” she yells as she hugs Peeta tightly. 

“Thanks Jo! You look great!”

“So do you. You have this…familiar glow about you,” she winks and Peeta blushes, which makes her burst out laughing. 

“You’re terrible to the poor boy,” the man says as he wraps his arm around Johanna’s waist.

“Eh, he knows I love him like my brother. Katniss, come here for a second.” I wipe my hands on the towel and join them.

“This is George. George, Peeta and Katniss, the Star-Crossed Lovers of District 12.” 

“It’s an honor,” George says as he kisses my hand. “Though not so star-crossed anymore, from what I hear.” His eyes sparkle and I return his grin.

“Let’s see it, brainless!” I hold out my hand and Johanna whistles. I had forgotten we haven’t told the others and with a gasp, Delly, Cora, Dane, and Thom are all grouped around us, muttering. Delly squeals and throws her arms around Peeta.

“I am SO happy for you, Peeta! I told you! Didn’t I tell you when we were young? You WOULD marry Katniss Everdeen one day!” I have to laugh at Peeta’s red cheeks and I quickly give him a kiss on the nose. Haymitch chuckles and claps Peeta on the shoulder.

“Didn’t think the kid would ever have the balls to pop the question.”

“Why not? He’s already asked her once before,” Effie says carelessly. Peeta and I tense and Haymitch scowls.

“You know very well why they did that, Effie. This time it’s real,” his eyes fall on Peeta and they soften. “It’s real, kid.” 

“I know,” Peeta says softly as he takes my hand.   
Rory, Riley, Sae and Sae’s granddaughter all come in just as we are sitting down to eat. I serve them all the turkey, potatoes, greens, and bread and everyone compliments me on the meal. Peeta squeezes my hand as I sit down. Haymitch presents Peeta with a bottle of nice wine and he pours everyone a glass.

“None for your sweetheart,” he says to me with a wink. I feel Peeta squeeze my hand tighter and I try to smile it off but I know how much I scared him that night when I had too much to drink with Johanna.

“Fine with me, I don’t need the alcohol anyway,” I say with a shrug.

“What, are you pregnant or something,” Rory blurts out and my eyes widen. Beside me, Peeta starts choking on his food. Delly reaches over and gently pats his back and he takes a long gulp of his wine. 

“No, Rory, I’m not,” I say through gritted teeth. He seems to understand my reaction and he looks ashamed.

“Sorry,” he mutters, lowering his head. 

“Yeah, what a birthday present that would be,” Riley says, laughing. My face is burning and I chance a glance at Peeta. His face is lowered and his smile is gone. 

“Excuse me,” he mutters before pushing his chair back and hurrying out of the room. Riley’s face has gone pale.

“Oh…dammit, Katniss, I’m sorry…I didn’t…I mean…”

“It’s ok, Riley. Um, excuse me too,” I hurry after him and find him pacing at the foot of the stairs.

“Peeta?” He whips around and I freeze, seeing his eyes are a shade darker than they usually are

“You’re not, are you?” His voice is frantic and strained.

“What? No, of course not.”

“You never want children with me. Real or not real?”

“Peeta--“

“Real or not real?!” My eyes widen at his tone. He looks pleading, almost desperate and I stifle a sob.

“I don’t know, Peeta. Maybe. Someday. But not now. Definitely not now.” I inch closer to him and he tenses up. I reach out my hand, as if I’m cornering a frightened animal, and slowly approach him. My hand touches his arm and he doesn’t flinch. My hands move up to his face and I hold his cheeks in my hands.

“Look at me.” When he doesn’t, I tilt his head downward and capture his lips. “Look at me,” I say again when I’ve released him. His eyes open and they are bluer than before. I sigh with relief. 

“I love you, Peeta Mellark. I love you and can’t wait to be your wife. I don’t know what the future holds for us, if kids are even in the picture, but all I care about is having you by my side. Ok?” He nods slowly and looks miserable.

“I’m sorry, Katniss.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” I tell him firmly. “Let’s return to your party.” He nods and grips my hand as I lead him back into the kitchen. Haymitch is telling a dirty joke when we reenter and Delly rolls her eyes and pats Peeta’s arm.

“You came back too early. His jokes are getting worse and worse.” Peeta smiles and I let out a breath of relief. Across the table, Johanna catches my eye. She grins and nods and I return her smile. For now, we’re ok. So I make a toast to Peeta and thank the heavens that he made it through 18 years so that I could have this wonderful man stay by my side for the rest of our lives. 

Delly brought a pie, which we serve with ice cream for dessert. Peeta opens his presents and he graciously thanks everyone. George and Johanna are the first to leave, having to catch the early train back. Effie is right behind them, promising us she will see us soon and Haymitch escorts her out (Peeta and I both exchange looks at this) Delly is the last to leave and she gives Peeta a big hug.

“I hope you had a wonderful birthday,” she says as she pulls away. 

“The best one yet,” Peeta says, his eyes on me. Delly smiles and hugs me goodbye and Peeta waves everyone off. He follows me into the kitchen and helps me clean up the mess and put away the leftovers. When I open the fridge, I reach into the back and pull out the cake I made for him.   
It’s small and round and nowhere near his perfect skills but I made it all on my own and fought with the piping bag for hours to perfect this. His eyes fill with tears as I hold it out to him. 

‘Happy 18th Peeta’ was written in orange icing across the blue frosting. I had tried to make it look like waves and a sunset but now looking at it, it just looked like a mess of frosting.

“It’s my sunset,” he says softly. 

“Well it’s supposed to be,” I say gloomily. He cups my chin and his lips are on mine before I can say anything. His kisses are deep and passionate and I suddenly remember his last birthday gift that is upstairs. He grabs a fork and sticks it into the cake and I watch him cautiously. His eyes light up and he grins.

“Katniss, this is delicious! Why haven’t you been in the kitchens helping me all this time?”

“I tried really, really hard for your birthday. Dane and Rory offered to help but I said no, I wanted to do it on my own. You really like it?”

“I’ll probably finish it all for breakfast,” he says as he takes another bite. “Where did you get the recipe?”

“The Mellarks, of course.” His face softens and his smile grows sadder. 

“Dad’s books.” 

“I hope you don’t mind. I just wanted it to be…special for you.” He sets the cake and fork down and tugs me into his arms, spinning me around so my back is pressed to his chest.

“I love it,” he whispers in my ear before his lips are on my neck, “and I love you. So much. You can’t. Even. Imagine,” he says through his kisses. I gasp and toss my head back and his hand cups my chin as his kisses travel across my neck and face. 

“I have one more present for you,” I manage to get out. 

“Can I have it tomorrow,” he murmurs, his lips busy with my skin. I force myself to focus and shake my head.

“Your birthday will be over by then. Come on,” after he puts the cake back in the fridge, I tug him into the living room and help him carry his gifts upstairs. I had ordered him an entire new paint set with new brushes and several new canvases and he was in tears as he opened them. 

“Ok, go set these up in your studio and I’ll be there in a moment.” He raises a brow but doesn’t question me as he takes his new supplies into his studio. I take a deep breath and pull out a box from the closet. I had taken Johanna’s advice and ordered one of the scrappy pieces of lingerie from the catalogue she had sent me. But when it had arrived, I turned ten shades of red. As I hold it up now, I feel my face heating up. 

It’s for Peeta. Peeta’s birthday. It’s all for him, I tell myself firmly. When I finish with the damn contraption, I glance at myself in the mirror and gasp.   
The soft orange lace pushes my almost non-existent breasts up and out and make them look full. It stops right below my bellybutton and the piece of string that could be called underwear is sheer in the front and a string goes between my cheeks. The white garters that cover my thighs are tied to the underwear with little bits of ribbon. I reach up and undo my braid, allowing my hair to cascade over my shoulders. I shake my head a little, making it look a little messy. Johanna calls it sex hair, whatever that means. I quickly put a little of the dark liner on my eyes, as Jo says “it makes the eyes irresistible and the eyes are the nipples of the face”. Yeah, I hardly ever know what she’s talking about but I like the effect it has on my eyes. I quite like how the soft orange looks with my olive skin and dark hair. Taking a deep breath, I walk into Peeta’s studio without even knocking.


	35. Chapter 35

Katniss is finally going to let me paint her. I mean, I assume that’s what she means by telling me to set up my paints and canvas. I’ve been asking her for months to let me paint her and she always blushes and shakes her head. This is the best present I could ask for. The paint set is amazing and the canvases I know must have cost a fortune! But if this is really happening, this is the best gift she could give me. 

Oh. My. God.

I feel rather than hear her in the doorway and I look up. My eyes are going to pop out of my head and my jaw has dropped to the ground.

Holy Shit! Katniss is…holy shit! 

Her face is turned down a little and she looks incredibly shy. But I admit, I’m not looking at her face for long.  
She’s wearing some kind of sexy lingerie in my favorite muted orange and her breasts look tantalizing as they jut out of the cloth. Her underwear (can I even call it that?) connects her garters and her legs look long and shapely, her ass luscious and perfect.

Fuck, I’m a goner. 

I lied. THIS is the best gift she could give me. Wait. Does she want me to paint her like this?

Shit, can I even hold a paintbrush right now? She finally looks up and a soft smile crosses her beautiful face.

“Happy birthday, Peeta,” she says quietly. I let out a soft moan and her smile widens. I have to adjust my jeans as I hurriedly finish priming the easel.

“Here, why don’t you come sit here,” I lead her over to the sofa and have her lay on her side. I swallow as I see the bustier falls down a little and her breasts are nearly completely out. I turn around and take a deep breath before crossing back to the easel. 

“Are you blushing, Mr. Big Artiste,” she says teasingly and I turn back to her, my eyes narrowed.

“Watch yourself, mademoiselle. I have other uses for that busy tongue of yours.” Her mouth clamps shut and I see her rub her thighs together, as if she’s uncomfortable.

All I want to do right now is bury myself between those thighs but I force myself to focus and sit in front of the easel. I take a deep breath and pick up the pencil and begin sketching. I look back over at her and see she’s trembling and her eyes are closed.

“Open your eyes, Katniss. Just focus on me.” She does and I give her a warm smile. She returns it and I lower my eyes back to the canvas.

After I have her form sketched out, I throw the pencil aside and start mixing paints. I’ve painted her before but never with her in front of me. I want to get the color of her skin just right. The shade of her eyes is important too. They’re soft and beautiful right now and so full of trust.   
I’m impressed that Katniss hasn’t moved all this time. I guess it comes from years of hunting but she hasn’t said a word and I’m suddenly nervous for her to see it. I put the paintbrush down and study my work. It’s beautiful, like she is. 

“Are you finished?”

“Yep. It just needs to dry.”

“Can I see it?” I glance at her.

“Do you want to?”

“Only if you want me to.” I smile and turn the easel around and see her suck in a breath. 

“That’s how you see me?” Her voice is so soft and vulnerable that I have to take a moment to look at the painting to see if something is wrong with it.

“What do you mean,” I finally ask. “I told you, I paint what I see. You’re perfect.”

“I’m not,” she says softly, “but your work is…it’s breathtaking.” 

“It’s the subject matter, I promise you.” I cross the room to sit beside her and she sits up to kiss me. I hold her face in my hands and my tongue rakes along her lips, tasting her completely before she opens up and allows me in. I explore her mouth thoroughly before I scoop her up and her arms go around my neck. 

I carry her into the bedroom and gently set her on our bed. She leans up on her elbows and crosses her legs, looking seductive and so fucking perfect! I try not to let her see me shaking as I strip myself of my clothes and I kneel on the bed in front of her. I gently spread her legs and swear out loud when I see her panties are completely soaked through. My hands tear at her underwear and garters and throw them aside as I settle underneath her, pulling her up my body. She straddles my stomach and I pull the bustier, freeing her breasts so I can feast upon them. She throws her head back and moans as I push them together so I can nip and lick at both of them. I reach back to pull at the stays of the bustier but can’t even understand how she managed to put it on by herself! Giving up, I pull her up over my face so I can plunge my tongue inside her and she lets out a little scream as she clutches the bed frame. I love the way she arches her back when she’s like this and I let her ride my face. I pull my mouth away from her and hear a mewl of protest as I move out from underneath her. But I keep her turned away from me and put her hands on the bed frame, so they are gripping tightly. I spread her legs and continue to devour her. I swirl my tongue around, tasting her arousal, and dare to venture further. I reach up and spread her cheeks with my hands, my tongue traveling to the one place I have yet to explore.

“Peeta Mellark, you did not just….OH GOD!” I chuckle against her skin as I suck at her sweetness and I feel her shudder. I reach around and plunge two fingers inside her as I continue to attack her clit with my tongue. Not even a second later, I feel her clench around my fingers and she squeals my name loudly. I allow her to collapse forward, as I kiss up and down her back. I make my way back to her luscious ass and kiss my way down her body. I move closer on my knees and I rub myself through her wet folds. She glances at me over her shoulder and my eyes meet hers as I sink into her. I feel her knees buckle and I move my hand underneath her to hold her up.

“Oh my god,” she squeals. I’ll have to hold off for as long as I can. I’ve never had her like this and holy shit, the difference in this position. I feel myself slide deeper inside her than I’ve ever been and every time I thrust, I feel her buck as I hit her special spot. My fingers scratch down her back and grab the material that’s hanging around her waist, to allow me to pull her into me roughly. I’m slamming into her and the sound of our flesh slapping against each other makes me reach my peak quickly. I reach up and grab a fistful of her dark hair, pulling up gently. She arches her back and I feel her clenching around me. Her orgasm milks me of mine and I’m coming harder than I ever thought possible. Exhausted, I collapse on her back and I’m not even thinking that I may be squashing her. After a minute, I find the strength to move and I roll over on my back. Katniss sits up and wrestles with the bustier for a moment before letting out a frustrated cry. 

“Help me.” Chuckling, I sit up and tell her to hold her arms straight. I pull the material over her head and toss it aside. Her back is red from my fingernails and I tenderly kiss her skin before I hurry to the bathroom for a wet cloth to clean her up. I wipe the come from both of us and she sighs as she spreads her legs.

“I love when you come so deep inside me,” she says quietly. My eyes widen.

“My god, Katniss,” I gasp and she gives me a sly smile. “Seriously, you can’t say things like that to me if you actually want sleep tonight.”  
I finish cleaning us up and toss the cloth aside. She sighs as her head finds its place in the crook of my arm and we slowly come back to normal breathing.

“Thank you,” I gasp out. She smiles at me and it makes my heart even lighter.

“Did you have a good birthday?”

“It was the best I’ve ever had,” I tell her honestly. “I thought that you letting me paint you like that was the best present I could ever get. But I realized I was wrong.”

“Hm? What was the best then?” I nuzzle against her and press my forehead to hers.

“You loving me.”


	36. Chapter 36

After Peeta’s birthday, we settle back into our regular routines. It’s starting to get cold again and I’m hunting for the orphanages as much as I can. Peeta’s bakery is doing tremendously and he even had a Capitol reporter asking him if he could interview Peeta about the bakery. I didn’t go anywhere near the bakery that day, wanting the reporter to steer clear of all talk of the ‘star-crossed lovers’ and focus on what was important. I’ve told Peeta that I know his family would be so proud of him for all that he has done. 

As we get into the colder months, the reconstruction of Panem continues. Paylor has called us twice, asking us how we are doing and if there is anything that she can do for us. I guess I should be grateful that the president of Panem is calling to check up on us but I’m not. Panem owes us a lot more than a few phone calls. But I keep my opinions to myself. Peeta expresses his gratitude when she calls. 

Our calls with Aurelius continue and Peeta’s flashbacks are fewer these days. He has definitely learned how to predict when one is coming on and sometimes asks me to tie him to a chair until it is passed. If I’m not around, I return home to find him handcuffed to the table and sighing, I quickly find the key to release him. He holds me close and whispers he loves me and I assure him I love him too. It’s the only way to go on, I decide, just to assure each other of our love for one another. 

We still haven’t set a date for the wedding yet and I know Effie is getting anxious. Peeta tries to pretend that it doesn’t bother him but I know he wants to set a date too. I just get anxious every time plans are brought up and we move on to talking about something else. Finally, at the end of October, I bring it up while we are sitting together on the couch.

“How’s November 17th for the wedding?” he nearly drops the paper he is reading and he stares at me. 

“What?”

“We should set a date. October is nearly over. And I don’t want to wait much longer. How does November 17th sound?”

“The 17th…sounds good,” he says uncertainly. “Why that day?” I shrug.

“I’ve just been doing some research. That is World Peace Day, you know. I think it’s…appropriate. The world is at peace when I’m with you. I think it’ll be a good day.” Peeta smiles.

“The 17th it is then. You know it will be cold. I didn’t think you’d want to be a winter bride.”

“I don’t really care, I’m sure you’ll warm me up right after the toasting anyway.” He flushes and I see his eyes darken, as they usually do when I say something that turns him on. He folds the paper and reaches for me.

“I’m feeling really chilly all of a sudden. Come here and warm me up.” I giggle as I straddle his lap and grind against him, letting him know I know exactly what I am doing to him. He groans and leans in close.

“Katniss,” he breathes against my lips. “I can’t believe we are talking about our wedding. For real.” 

“I can’t wait to see how handsome you look in your suit.”

“You’ll still wear white. We’ll just pretend,” he grins as I hit him and he tugs me in for a kiss. 

“Not so pure anymore, are you?”

“You know I hate that word,” I grumble and he kisses the corner of my mouth.

“I know.” He glances at the clock and puts the paper on the table.

“We will call everyone tomorrow and let them know we’ve decided a date. We should probably get to bed soon, though.” 

“I thought I was supposed to warm you up,” I say slyly and he narrows his eyes. I smirk at him and jump out of his way as he makes to grab me. I love this chase game we play. I always run from him and quite like how he throws me onto the bed and has his way with me, as my ‘punishment’. The way he takes control and slams into me makes me come undone in seconds. 

Turns out that even with Effie’s help, planning a wedding is exhausting and hard on both the bride and the groom. Somehow, word has gotten out and Cressida has called to warn me that camera crews are going to try to come to the wedding. Panem wants to see us again and I want to cry at being in the spotlight again.

I have almost cancelled it twice and Peeta looks like he wants to cry. I always change my mind when I see him again but we’re so tired and he has the bakery to deal with, as an extra weight on his shoulders. The amount of cake orders he has had lately is astounding. He comes home with slumped shoulders and I massage the tension out of his back before we fall into bed. What bothers me the most is how far we sleep apart. I no longer wake to find myself burrowed in his arms. He’s usually gone before I wake up and I go hunting alone, to return home to cook dinner by myself and wait until he gets home. He assures me it won’t be like this much longer. His employees are all sick right now and he is having trouble keeping up. I sigh and tell him it’s fine but the truth is, I miss him. We haven’t made love in weeks. And as we are approaching the wedding, he is having flashbacks again, as he did when the bakery was about to open. It makes me nervous and I still want to call off the wedding. Or at least postpone it. If it’s doing this to him, why does he want to be married to me? 

Another thing is the guest list. I go back and forth whether I want to invite Gale. I finally call him but he doesn’t answer. I invite Hazelle and the rest of her family and ask her, if she speaks to Gale, to invite him as well. She promises me she will and when I tell Peeta I invited him, he falls silent.   
No surprise that after all of the stress and sleepless nights, we both get sick. We’re both terrible patients and snap at each other constantly. He has to shut himself in his studio and I stay in bed. After two days of my mother’s healing tea, we are back on our feet and I scold him for wearing himself too thin. Of course he gets angry and says that me going hunting every morning isn’t helping either. 

We part ways without speaking.

And our wedding is in a week. How is this going to work? 

Haymitch even notices, which is shocking because he’s drunker than normal these days. I wonder if the alcohol helps keep away sickness. He hasn’t gotten sick like the rest of us. 

“What have you done now, sweetheart,” he calls to me one afternoon as I come home with my kill.

“What makes you think I’ve done something?”

“Because it’s more likely than being the kid’s fault. You’re getting married next week you know.”

“Yes, thanks for the update Haymitch, I am fully aware we have a week left.” He snorts.

“Sounds like it needs to be pushed off. What’s going through your head girl?”

“Nothing. Just leave me alone,” I snap. 

“Gladly. Don’t know how he puts up with you,” he says as I slam the door closed. I feel my heart sink. Yeah that one hurts. I don’t either, Haymitch. I have been terribly moody and surly and I miss my boy with the bread. I decide to try to make amends. I start getting dinner ready and make everything look nice. I light candles and clean up the place and wait for Peeta to get home.

Two hours past closing time, I call the bakery to find out where he is. He apologizes and says he has to catch up on orders before he can leave. I yell at him that he should just sleep there and he yells at me that maybe he will. I hang up the phone and cry myself to sleep. I don’t even notice when he comes to bed. 

I toss and turn all night long. Finally I can’t stand it. I throw the covers back and pad into the bathroom. I light a candle and turn the shower on. Hanging my robe on the hook, I climb into the shower and stand under the scalding water for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts. I’m so lost in my mind that I don’t hear him pull the shower curtain back and climb in with me. I feel his rough baker hands on my breasts and I suck in a breath as his fingers tweak both my nipples. His lips make contact with the skin on my neck and I close my eyes, leaning my head back against his chest. 

It’s been too damn long.

He pushes me against the wall and my cheek is pressed to the cold tile. He knees my legs apart and shoves a hand between my thighs. I’m startled by how rough he is and I gasp as he makes fast hard circles instead of trying to warm me into it. He grabs a bunch of my hair and yanks and I let out a little gasp of surprise. 

“You like it when I do this, Katniss?” His voice is deep and husky but there is a sharp edge to it that I haven’t heard in quite awhile. It makes my eyes shoot open. I whimper as he continues to flick at my clit and he plunges three fingers into me without warning. I cry out, not ready at all and my fingers claw at the wall.

“Peeta, please.”

“Please what? Please fuck you like he did?” 

What?! I try to turn to look at him but he is pressing me into the wall and I can’t move.

“Peeta, what are you--“

“I can smell him all over you,” he growls in my ear. “You’ve been meeting him in the woods, haven’t you?”

Oh god. He can’t mean…

“Peeta! Please listen to me. I’m not--“

“Don’t lie to me! You reek of sex. Do you let him do this to you?” He thrusts his fingers in and out viciously and I can’t fight my body’s reactions. As he presses against my clit, I cry out and he lets out an appreciative grunt. He’s inside me before I can process anything and I arch my back as he tugs on my hair.

“Or this? You let him fuck you against a tree?” 

“Peeta,” I gasp out. “I haven’t been with anyone but you! You’re the only one…oh god!” He is taking me hard and fast and I can feel myself careening towards another orgasm already. I hate my traitorous body. I squirm against him but he slams into me, bruising my thighs. His fingers are digging into my arms and hips. He reaches down and flicks my clit and I cry out his name as I release. He pulls out and I feel him slide up and down between my cheeks. He reaches down and spreads me wide and I jerk forward as I feel him at my other entrance. 

“Peeta,” I whimper.

“I bet you let him fuck you in the ass,” he growls against my neck. “You’re a dirty whore, aren’t you? You don’t say no to him, do you?” He pushes and I feel tension. I shake my head violently, trying to squirm away from him.

“Peeta, don’t!”

“You mean you don’t like this? I thought you would like this, you little slut. You want me to slide my cock into your ass, Everdeen? You want me to fuck your tight little hole, right before I fuck your tight little pussy?”

“Peeta, stop it!” I rear back against him and knock him in the chin. He grunts and I rip the curtain back and jump out without turning the water off. I only had a brief look at his eyes but they are as dark as night and I am terrified.

“Katniss!” He yells at me but I run away. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know what I’ll do if he comes after me, but I have to get away from him. 

Tears stream down my cheeks as I rock back and forth under the kitchen table. I’m cold, naked, and wet and the tile floor is freezing. But I don’t say a word. I listen intently to hear if he is coming after me. 

I must have fallen asleep under the table because when I feel hands on my arms, I wake up in a panic.

“No! No!” I flail around and try to fight them off but they hold on and pull.

“Katniss! Katniss, it’s ok, it’s me,” I hear his voice and it’s lost the rough edge it had earlier. “I’m back.”

I look up and see him on his knees beside the table, his eyes back to brilliant blue and full of tears. I crawl out from under the table and into his lap and he holds me to his chest, our bodies shaking from our sobbing. He strokes my hair and mutters his apologies over and over in my ear. His kisses are soft and tender, decorating my hair and my forehead and my cheeks and my nose. He never gets close to my mouth. Tears streak his fair cheeks as he shakes his head in disbelief.

“I am so sorry,” he whispers. I kiss his forehead and hold him close, allowing him to cry. We both sit there, crying for what seems like hours. When we finally seem to stop, he pulls away and notices me shivering.

“Let’s get you dressed.” He stands and helps me up, his arm around my bare waist. He drapes a blanket around my shoulders and leads me up the stairs. He helps me dress, as I pull on a pair of panties and he helps me into a long cotton nightgown. We don’t say a word as he pulls back the blankets and I climb in. I look at him expectantly as he stands beside the bed.

“Aren’t you--“

“I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be near you, Katniss. I- I can’t believe I…I wanted to… I almost hurt you. Again.” I grab his hand before he can protest and tug him forward.

“Get into bed. Now.” He stares at me and finally obeys. He distances himself but I’m not having it. I lay my head in his arm and drape my arm over his chest. I can feel   
his heart racing in his chest. 

“You didn’t hurt me.” 

“I said such awful things to you,” he whispers through his tears. “I almost…I could have--“

“It wasn’t you. I know that. You didn’t hurt me.”

“Katniss--“

“No! You didn’t hurt me.” He sighs and I nuzzle closer. Finally, he brings up a tentative hand and strokes my hair.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t…mean any of it.”

“Then why did you say it?” I prop myself up and look down at him. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head.

“Peeta,” I say gently. “Do you really think-?”

“No,” he says sharply. “No, I-…I don’t think that. Anymore.” He takes a deep breath and looks up at me, his blue eyes full of tears.

“They used videos as part of my torture,” he finally says in a pained voice. “After the beatings and the knives and the shocks…they forced me to watch hours of videos of you and Gale. I didn’t know what was real and wasn’t anymore. I just watched you with him. After awhile, they convinced me that you had slept with both of us. I honestly believed we had done things on the train. And they showed me videos to prove it. My eyes were held open by force to see you writhing on the bed underneath me. And then Gale taking you up against a tree. I know in my heart that you have only ever been with me. But my hijacked brain tries to tell me otherwise and I just…lost control. Mutt Peeta took over and I…I couldn’t save you from myself.” I lean down to kiss him and he seems reluctant to return my kisses. But I don’t break them and eventually, he responds. I hate the Capitol. I despise Snow. He deserved so much more than the quick death he got. My Peeta is forever changed and corrupted. He will never escape this darkness completely. He sobs while I pull him into my arms and I gently rock him back and forth. I tell him not real. I tell him I love him. He falls asleep to my caresses and my soft singing. 

When we wake up, I gently ask him to call into work so we can spend the day together. He agrees and hurries off to the study to call them. When he returns, he climbs back into bed and pulls me toward him. His cheeks are still wet with tears.

“I’m so sorry, Katniss,” he whispers. “I don’t know what’s happened between us these past few weeks…I wanted to stop it but I’ve just been, you know, so bogged down with work and everything--“

“I know,” I stop him. “I’m sorry too. I should have been more understanding and more patient. I should have been there to help you. These have been the worst weeks of my life, Peeta. I can’t stand it when we aren’t talking.”

“Tell me when you’re irritated, love,” he says softly, kissing my cheek. “Before it blows up into a huge mess.”

“You tell me when you’re feeling something,” I insist. “You have to tell me when you’re feeling neglected or you don’t trust me about something--“

“Katniss, I trust you with my life. It’s just the venom. It’s still not completely out of my system,” he says miserably. “The doctors tried to get most of it but there’s some left and what they did to me…” he takes a deep breath and I try not to cry at how pained he looks. “It takes everything I have to conquer that. And it’s your love that helps me defeat it but when I feel like you know, you’re upset with me, it gets harder to remind myself of how much you love me.” 

“Peeta,” I take his face in my hands and gaze into his eyes. “I will never stop loving you. You have to know that.” His hand covers mine and he kisses my palm.

“I know,” he says quietly. “Can you forgive me?”

“I told you, there’s nothing to forgive. Let’s just spend the day loving each other.” He smiles weakly.

“Sounds like the perfect plan.” Nodding, I surge forward and kiss him with all of the pent up frustration I have. He moans at the intensity of our kiss and I wrap my fingers around his curls. His hands hover in the air uncertainly, as if it is our first time being intimate.

“Peeta,” I whine against his lips. “Touch me. Please.”

“K-Katniss,” he stammers and I take matters in my own hands. I bring his hands to my breasts and he groans. I feel his fingers slide down and underneath the cotton gown and he pulls it over my head. I grasp his head and bring it down to my chest so he will take the hint. Luckily he does and I feel his tongue on my nipple. I let out a low moan and a squeak when his teeth gently rake across my sensitive skin. He leans back and I see his eyes soften and his smile fade. I frown, wondering what caused his mood to change suddenly and he gently traces a pattern across my arm. Without looking I know he is seeing bruises from his fingerprints.

“Katniss,” he moans and he shakes his head. I wrap my arms around his neck and move to straddle his lap. He groans as I grind against him and the angle I’m at causes the perfect friction for us. His hardening length is hitting my clit just right and I know my panties are soaked through already. He lowers his head and takes my breast into his mouth again and I reach down and pull the waistband of his pajama pants back. I move back and pull them down his legs and his head falls back on the pillow as I take him in my hand. I waste no time in lowering my mouth to him and my tongue travels all over his shaft before I take him completely into my mouth. He tries to lean up on his elbows to watch me--I know he loves to watch me do this and I love the power I feel when I look up into his eyes and watch him come undone. I didn’t think I would like doing this so much but watching him writhe and shake underneath me makes me feel even more like the girl on fire. He reaches down and gathers my hair in his hands so he can thrust and I feel him hit the back of my throat. I try not to gag as I take all of him in and he lets out a strangled cry. I feel him tense up and he tries to sit up and warn me but I continue to suck until I have sucked him dry. I swallow all I can and I wipe at my lips, seeing that he is watching me with wide eyes. 

“Come here,” he says softly as he pulls me forward and he pulls my soaked panties off and tosses them aside. He closes his eyes and his fingers make gentle patterns on my thighs.

“I can smell you,” he says softly. “Fuck you drive me crazy, Katniss. I always want you. Every minute of every day. I’m always thinking of you, always wanting to be by your side. Always thinking of being inside you.”  
I let out an embarrassing moan at his words and just as he is about put his mouth on me, I stop him.

“I only want you,” I tell him before I slide on top of him and grip his shoulders to help me adjust. His shaking hands hold my hips and he groans as I rise up a little and fall back down. We find our rhythm and it is glorious. But I know I won’t reach my peak like this and I think he knows it too. He flips us over so that my legs are in the air and he drapes them over his shoulders while he thrusts into me. He pushes my knees back so far I fear they may hit me in the face. Peeta’s beautiful face scrunches up as he starts to pant heavily. His thumb moves in circles on my clit and his thrusts bring me to completion. He waits a moment before he continues to thrust, harder this time. I lean up on my elbows and our eyes meet.

“You’re mine, Peeta,” I say in a low voice and his eyes darken. “You’re mine and no one else’s.” 

“Fuck, Katniss!” His thrusts become uncoordinated and his hips are slamming into mine as he races to his peak. When I feel his warmth spill inside me, he slumps forward and I curl my hands around him, holding him to my chest. He tries to move but I hold him there, loving the feel of our bodies melded together like this. He looks up at me and gives me a warm smile, which makes my heart glow.

“I love you,” he says softly. I pull him up for a kiss and stroke his curls.

“I love you too.” 

“Thank you for reminding me.”

“Of what?” His smile broadens.

“Just how much I love you.” 

 

We’re a week away from the wedding and I am shocked it took me so long to realize, I don’t have a dress!  
Peeta and I were lying on the couch last night and he casually mentioned all the gowns I had to try on for our Capitol-planned wedding when I sat up, wide-eyed. He followed me and looked worried.

“What is it?”

“Peeta…I don’t have a dress!” To my surprise, he chuckled.

“I’m pretty sure Effie will have taken care of that for you, sweetheart.”

So while Peeta is at the bakery, I go up to the study and dial Effie’s number.

“Oh Katniss, it’s so good to hear from you! How are you doing dear? Ready for the big day?”

“Not really,” I mumble. “Effie…I don’t really have a dress.”

“Katniss! That’s usually the first thing brides think of! Goodness me, what should we…well, let me make a few phone calls. I will phone you back in just a few minutes.   
And please, dear, answer the phone this time.” I smile as I hang up. I know I just shocked her more than I usually do. After all, I’m not a typical bride. 

When she calls back, she gives me instructions. She tells me to go into my basement (I don’t think I have ever been down there) and put in the combination that she gives me to get into the cabinet down there. I reluctantly go back to my house and briefly wonder if I should wait for Peeta. I have a feeling I know what I will find down there but I’m not 100% sure. The way Effie’s voice softened, though, makes me pretty certain.

I nervously stand in front of the cabinet and take a deep breath. When I open the door, tears rush to my eyes at the familiar presence that wraps around me.

Cinna.

There is a note taped to the inside of the door and I pull it down.

Katniss,  
If you’re reading this, it means the Mockingjay defeated the Capitol and Panem is free.  
It also means that I am dead.  
Do not despair, my sweet girl on fire. I give my life to this cause and know it will all be worth it in the end.  
A world where you can be truly happy and can grow into the beautiful young woman I know you will be.  
I gave Plutarch and Effie strict orders not to give you the code, unless you decided on your own to marry. And I know when you finally do decide, it will be no one but Peeta Mellark. You have been burning for each other since the moment I met you.   
Portia and I designed these after I designed your “fake collection” as I call them. I know this is the real thing because when you do marry him, it will be your decision and no one else’s. I hope you both like them and wear them with pride. I couldn’t do traditional white because you are anything but traditional.   
I wish you both the very best and wish I could see how beautiful you will be on your wedding day. But wear these and I will be with you.  
Give my best to Peeta and remember, cherish every moment you are given.  
I’m still betting on you, girl on fire.

All my love,  
Cinna

 

I fall to my knees and sob for my friend. The note wrinkles in my fist and I hastily smooth it out. When I have finally cried all my tears, I reach to the back of the cabinet and pull out two hangers.

My jaw drops at the sheer perfection in my hands. Cinna designed these with us in mind. They are perfect and I can’t imagine getting married in anything else. I decide to leave mine down here and I take the suit back to our room and hang it up in Peeta’s closet. I put the note from Cinna on the bedside table and curl up on the bed, weeping into a pillow. So many people I wish could be here for my wedding.   
Prim. Cinna. Finnick. Rue. My father. So many people I want there.   
What would I have done if I was marrying someone else? No. Cinna knows me well. He already knew I was in love with Peeta. Seems like everyone knew but me. When   
Peeta comes home, I pull him to me and kiss him deeply. I inhale the scent of fresh bread and cinnamon and he looks dazed as he pushes my hair out of my eyes.

“Not that I’m complaining but what was that for?”

“You always knew, didn’t you? That I really loved you?” He smiles as he strokes my cheek.

“I think in my heart I always knew. But I had to wait for you to figure it out yourself. And it was so worth the wait.” I reach over and grasp Cinna’s note and hand it to him to read. He does and he looks up at me, his eyes wide.

“Did you find-?” I nod.

“Yours is in the closet. You don’t get to see mine this time. I know you were watching that stupid show Caesar hosted with all the gowns.” He grins.

“You looked perfect in every single one of them.” He sits beside me and squeezes my hand.

“I wish you had waited for me, though. Are you…ok?”

“I’m ok. I just can’t wait to be married to you.” He flushes and grins broadly.

“Not much longer,” he says as he kisses me. He gets up and goes to the closet and I hear him suck in a breath. I go to him and wrap my arms around his waist and his hands cover mine.

“It’s…”

“Perfect,” I finish. He nods, still staring at it. 

“Portia helped him,” I say quietly and he glances at me over his shoulder. He hasn’t spoken of Portia but I know her execution hit him pretty hard. His entire prep team had been executed in front of him. He turns to me and has tears in his eyes but he smiles.

“Come on, let’s go get started on dinner.”


	37. Chapter 37

I shift a little in my tux and I hear Haymitch chuckle off to the side. I pull at the tight collar and feel my breathing getting heavier. We’ve all gathered here and are just waiting on Katniss. I can’t believe how nervous I feel. 

I see little girls from the orphanage make their way down the aisle toward me. I suck in a breath as I see the white rose petals they sprinkle down the aisle. Before I can protest, I hear the audience start to murmur and my attention is drawn to the back of the room.

There she is. A veil covers her face and she walks alone, a bouquet of white roses in her hands. She walks toward me and I stand up straight. As she gets closer, I see the smile through the veil.

She takes my breath away.

When she stops in front of me, I extend my hand and she reaches out to take it. But she freezes and lets out a sharp gasp. I watch her, puzzled, until she takes a step back and my eyes are drawn downward.

A horrible red stain is blossoming all over her white gown. A gleaming sword protrudes from her stomach as she looks up at me, shaking. I cry out and reach for her but she is yanked backwards.

“Snow! Let her go!” I run towards her but the killer steps to the side and I freeze in my tracks.

It’s me. 

I watch as another version of me flings my lifeless bride to the side and takes a step toward me, holding the bloody sword. I drop to my knees beside Katniss and pull her to my chest. Red stains her dress and she attempts to stem the gore with her hands. She looks up at me and gives me a weak smile.

“Hap-happy wedding d-day,” she stutters before her head falls back and her eyes close. I let out a pained cry that echoes around Panem.

 

I sit straight up, drenched in sweat. The blankets around me are suffocating me and I can’t breathe. I toss them aside and put my feet on the floor. Oh right. I had propped my prosthetic against the wall and I reach for it and pull it on. I glance beside me and let out a pained moan.

Of course she isn’t here with me. Effie insisted that she sleep in her own house the night before our wedding.  
It’s the dumbest decision I’ve ever agreed with. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep without her. Not even for one night. I pull on a robe and shoes and head downstairs.

The snow is thick on the ground when I step outside and I shiver as I hurry over to Katniss’s house. I’m quiet as I make my way upstairs, trying not to wake Johanna or Annie. 

I hear muffled cries from the closed door and I push it open to see her thrashing around on the bed.  
She’s in my arms in an instant. She instantly relaxes and I rock her gently as I hold her to my chest. 

“Peeta,” she says sleepily.

“I’m here, Katniss.”

“You’re not supposed to be here,” she whispers. I shrug.

“I’m glad you are.” She lays her head against my chest and closes her eyes again. I bring her down with me and pull the covers up around us. We fall asleep quickly and   
without any more nightmares.

 

We’re awoken by a sharp knock on the door and Katniss gasps.

“Peeta,” she hisses. “You have to go! Now.” I groan and roll away from her and she sits straight up.

“Hang on a second,” she calls. “Peeta. Out the window!”

“You’re crazy,” I croak, trying to wake up. “We’re getting married, not sneaking around from your mom. I’ll go downstairs and back to my house.”

“Hey! Do I hear bread boy in there?” I hear Johanna’s voice. I groan and shake my head.

“Katniss, you know it’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding,” Annie admonishes. Katniss rolls her eyes and I grin.

“We had nightmares as we knew we would,” Katniss says grumpily. “He’s going back to his house now.” I yawn and reach for my robe and shoes and I feel her hands on my shoulders, turning me back to her.

“I’ll see you in a few hours,” she says as she leans up to kiss me. “And then I will be your wife.” I grin, completely awake now.

“Mrs. Everdeen-Mellark,” I say quietly and her face lights up at the sound of it. She smiles and kisses me again before she gives my ass a little pat.

“Get going. I’ll see you soon enough.” I open the door to Annie’s and Johanna’s scowls.

“You’re lucky we like you,” Johanna says as she points to the stairs. I roll my eyes but hurry down the stairs and call goodbye to them as I head back home. I stop in my doorway as I remember what today is.

My wedding day.

I’m marrying Katniss Everdeen.

Dear God, is this real life?!


	38. Chapter 38

I didn’t think I would ever get this excited about my own wedding. Then again, I didn’t think I would ever be getting married. But I can’t help but feel giddy while I soak in the lavender-scented bath the girls drew for me. When I get out, I dry myself off, and Johanna hands me a silk robe to put on.

“I think there’s someone who would like to see you,” Johanna says, her hand on the doorknob. I feel nervous, wondering who is on the other side but as soon as I hear impatient titters, I know.

The door opens and Flavius, Octavia, and Venia all rush toward me. I am genuinely happy to see them and hug and kiss each one of them. I’m taken aback by their appearance.

They look somewhat…normal. When I met them in the Capitol, they had green hair or purple markings on their face. Their hair is a normal shade, their make up is only slightly outlandish, and their nails are solid black. 

“Oh sweetie, how we’ve missed you,” Flavius croons as he kisses me. 

“Effie called us,” Venia squeals. “I can’t believe we get to help you get ready for your wedding day!” 

“Ok but I want to be as natural as possible,” I tell them. “This is for Peeta and me. Not thousands of people. Please don’t make me look…different.” I almost said Capitol but realized they are from the Capitol and even they might understand what I mean. Octavia gives me a warm smile and squeezes my hand.

“You will be the most gorgeous bride there ever was.”

“Peeta won’t be able to take his eyes off you,” Venia gushes, “not that he ever could anyway.” 

I hand Johanna the code and ask her to bring up my dress. When she carries it into the room, my prep team burst into tears.

“Oh…Cinna,” Venia squeaks, reaching toward it. 

“It’s so perfect for you, Katniss. He truly loved you, you know.” I nod, trying not to tear up. Octavia might kill me if my make up runs. Flavius starts brushing through my hair and my eyes meet his in the mirror.

“Can you leave it down, Flavius? Peeta loves it down.” He gives me a smile and nods.

 

Flavius and Octavia work on me, while Venia goes to help Annie and Johanna with their hair and make up. I have to say they both look very beautiful. They help me into the gown and Annie zips me up.

“Oh Katniss…you look exquisite.” 

“Look at yourself, brainless,” Johanna says, nodding and smiling at me. “Really see yourself for the first time.” I obey and glance in the mirror.  
She’s right. Before this moment, I have never looked into the mirror and actually said, “I’m beautiful.” I can actually see what Peeta sees. My hair is beautiful and soft around my shoulders. My make up is soft and my eyes are bright and captivating. The gown Cinna has designed is off-white, almost gold. Gold flames travel up the bodice and end in jewels around the edges. Octavia has painted my eyelids gold with black liner and my skin seems to glow. I hear a knock at the door and I tear my gaze from my reflection. My mom’s eyes fill with tears as she stands in the doorway.

“Katniss,” she says softly. “You are such a beautiful young lady.” I rush into her arms and she hugs me tight. Haymitch stands next to her, grinning broadly. I don’t smell a trace of alcohol on him. He’s holding a bouquet of flowers and I suck in a breath as I realize they are evening primrose. 

“You ready, sweetheart?” He holds his arm out to me and I take it. I try not to tremble as Annie and Johanna walk ahead of me and down the stairs. I freeze at the bottom of the stairs and Haymitch stops for a second, before he leads me outside.

When we get outside, I can’t help but shiver. There’s snow on the ground and Victor’s Village is…empty. I frown, looking around.

“Haymitch-“ but I stop when I see one of Thom’s horse carriages nearby and Haymitch helps me up into it. He helps Johanna and Annie into the seat next to me, and lastly my mother, before he jumps into the driver’s seat and flicks the reigns. He hands me a coat and I recognize it as Peeta’s.

I’m bewildered as we ride through town.

“What is going on? Where is everyone? I thought we were holding the wedding in the Village.” 

“Jut enjoy the ride, brainless,” Johanna says gleefully. Annie’s eyes are sparkling so I fall silent and pull Peeta’s coat tighter around me. 

I’ve never taken a horse-drawn carriage ride and all I can think about is how nice it would be if Peeta were next to me.

When we arrive at the edge of the meadow, I start getting even more confused. Haymitch flicks the reigns and we continue through the woods, though I notice there is an actual path here now. We ride through the woods, which are breathtaking in the winter time. When we are almost to the lake, Haymitch stops the horses and the carriage slows to a stop. He jumps down and helps the girls and my mother down, before helping me. Mom kisses my cheek and then disappears from my side. Johanna and Annie are gone too. I turn to Haymitch, puzzled.

“Haymitch, what-?”

“Kid knows you better than anyone, sweetheart. He said it would be better to get married in your woods, where you feel the most at home. Away from town and away from everyone. Let’s go.” He leads me through a clearing and I feel my breath leave me.

There’s a green carpet spread out on the forest floor and underneath the trees, Peeta stands waiting. His suit is off-white like my dress, with the gold flames decorating the edges. He wears a white shirt underneath and a beige bowtie to complete the ensemble. His golden curls are combed to the side, his face is beautiful in the sunlight streaming through the trees. 

Annie and Johanna stand on one side, while my mother, Effie, and Delly stand on the other. Haymitch squeezes my hand and walks me down the green carpet.  
Peeta’s eyes meet mine and the smile that crosses his face completely transforms him. I have no breath left when I reach him and Haymitch puts my hand in his. He pats our joined hands and clears his throat.

“I just want to say, uh…you kids changed my life. And I’m happy…and grateful, I’ve lived to see this day. Seeing you both so happy…it makes everything worth it.” There are tears in the old man’s eyes and I lean forward and kiss his cheek. He looks stunned and he hurries off to the side to stand next to Effie. Peeta tugs me closer and tilts my chin up. His eyes search mine and we merely gaze into each other’s eyes for a moment. He looks down at our joined hands and then back up.

“I couldn’t even breathe when I first saw you,” he says softly. “I didn’t think you were real. Just this perfect fantasy I have concocted in my head.” 

“I know what you mean,” I whisper back. “This doesn’t feel real.”   
He reaches down and takes a flower from my bouquet and slides it into my hair. My eyes fill with tears as his hand goes to my cheek.

“So you know she is with you, all the time,” he whispers.  
He reaches down and slides a band on my finger, next to my other ring.

“Katniss. I usually have…well, the right words to say but right now, I’m just stumbling, trying to find the perfect thing to say. I can’t possibly tell you how much I love you and what you mean to me. No words exist for the perfection that you are. For the joy you have brought to my life. So instead, I’ll promise to love and honor you, to defend and protect you with my life, and to always be there whenever you need me. My world turned upside down when you told me you love me. Now I never want to be without you. Katniss Everdeen, I am yours until the end of time. I love you.” I smile up at him while he tries to hold back the tears. Effie hands me a little box and I open it and slide the gold band onto his finger. He gapes down at it then his eyes fly back to mine.

“Peeta,” I take a deep breath. “I had this all memorized and now…I can’t get the words straight. I can’t believe that we actually made it here…but it’s your strength and your love that keep me going, when things get hard. Everything that we have been through, all that we have endured together….Peeta it was all worth it because it led me to you. I won’t lie to you and tell you I will be the most perfect wife there ever was…I know we’ll have difficulties. I know we will have some hard times. But I can deal with them because I’ll have you. You’ve saved my life, time and time again and that day with the bread….you took a piece of my heart. Well today, I give you my whole heart. It’s yours until it stops beating and even then, I’ll continue to love you from the heavens. Peeta all I am is yours.” He blinks back tears and I reach up to caress his cheek. He takes my hand in his and kisses my palm and he turns to where Haymitch is stoking a small fire. I hadn’t even noticed the flames but Johanna hands Peeta a covered loaf of bread and Annie takes my bouquet. Peeta unwraps the bread and tears off a piece. He impales it on a stick and sticks it into the flames, his eyes on mine.

“Will you, Katniss Everdeen, take me to be your friend, your partner, your lover, and your husband?”

“I will do so gladly,” I answer while I tear off a piece of the bread and stick it over the fire. “And will you, Peeta Mellark, allow me to stand by your side, through the good times and the bad times, and love you until the end of our days? As your loving wife?”

“I would be honored to have you by my side,” he replies. He takes the toasted bread and holds it to my lips. I close my eyes as the flavors bring a range of emotions and I move the bread from the fire.

“Peeta, you fed me when my stomach was empty and you gave me hope when all of mine was gone. You brought light back into my life.” I hold the bread to his mouth and he swallows it quickly. 

“Katniss I promise you will never want for nothing. Everything I have is yours and as long as I am alive, I will do everything in my power to make you happy. You will never go hungry again, nor will you ever doubt your worth. I will spend my entire life showing you how incredible you are.” I smile and lean forward and he meets me halfway. The moment our lips touch, I know my life is changed. I’m no longer Katniss Everdeen of District 12.

I am Katniss Mellark, wife to Peeta Mellark. 

It’s real.

When we pull away, our family claps and cheers. Peeta’s arm wraps around me and holds me close and we grin broadly. Everyone comes up to hug us and congratulate us. Haymitch puts out the fire and everyone starts heading back out of the clearing. Peeta’s wide eyes meet mine.

“You just became my wife. Real or not real?” I smile and gently turn his hand, so he can inspect his ring more closely.   
It is a gold band with a pattern I fell in love with. Tiny flames are around the edges and inside the band is the word ‘Real’. He looks up at me with tears in his eyes.

“You lit my heart aflame years ago and I still burn for you,” I tell him softly. “And if you ever start to forget how much I love you, how much I need you, you can always look down at your ring and see that it’s all real.” He pulls me in for a kiss and wraps his arms around my waist.

“I love you, Mrs. Mellark,” he says before he kisses me again.

I reach up and my arms drape around his neck as we share these perfect kisses, as husband and wife.


	39. Chapter 39

I feel like I’m floating on air. I imagine I have this big goofy grin on my face that refuses to leave and I can barely hear anything anyone says to me.

Katniss is my wife. 

I just married Katniss Everdeen.

After all of the years I have spent longing for her, everything that we have been through, it doesn’t seem real. Yet here she is, next to me, our hands joined together as we eat the bread I baked this morning. 

When we part, we refuse to drop our hands as we turn back to our family. I invite everyone back to our house for cake and tea, and I lead my bride away from the clearing. I’m grateful that Thom allowed us to borrow his horse carriages today. The one that Katniss arrived in will take Annie, Delly, Mrs. Everdeen, and Effie back to Victor’s Village while I’ll drive Katniss back on my own. I quickly grab my coat from the other carriage before I lead Katniss to ours.

We come to where the carriage waits and I help her up, before I jump up beside her and take the reigns. She leans her head on my shoulder and I wrap my arm around her waist, drawing her closer as we start back home.

“Peeta, this was…this was perfect,” she says quietly. “When did you do all of this?”

“I asked Thom to make the path more accessible weeks ago. I didn’t want to give away your special spot, which is why we held the wedding a few feet away. But I knew it would be a little hard to get to, especially with the snow, so he gathered a team to make the path more accessible with gravel. But when we started to plan the wedding, I knew you were…hesitant to hold it in Victor’s Village. Especially after Cressida warned us about camera crews. So this was a way to ensure we wouldn’t be bothered on our special day. And besides, I wanted your father to be there. I know you feel his presence the most in the woods.” Her hand rests on my knee and she leans in and kisses my cheek.

“I love you,” she says softly. I grin sideways at her, not taking my eyes of the path in front of me.

“I love you too. Mrs. Everdeen-Mellark,” I add, trying it out. God I love the sound of that. 

“Too long,” she says, her nose scrunched up. I raise a brow.

“Do you just want to be Mrs. Everdeen then? It’s alright if you do--“

“Katniss Mellark,” she says and I suck in a breath at the way it rolls off her tongue. “The Baker’s wife.”

I grin and tear my eyes away from the road for a second to kiss her. We ride back in silence as she pulls my coat tighter around her and I see her bury her face in it, inhaling my scent. I grin and squeeze her hand under the coat.   
When we arrive at Victor’s Village, some of the others are already waiting for us. Haymitch drives up just as I am helping Katniss down and he helps the other ladies down. 

Inside my house, Sae has her eye on her granddaughter and a little boy with bronze curls who can barely walk. Annie goes straight to him and gathers him in her arms and Katniss and I both gasp. She brings him over to us and smiles.

“Peeta, Katniss, I want you to meet Finn.” He grins at us and we immediately see his father in that grin. I can’t believe how much he looks like Finnick and Annie gives us a sad smile.

“I know,” she says quietly. Katniss tickles little Finn under the chin and he emits a series of giggles. She makes silly faces at him and he’s immediately taken with her. I watch her in shock and awe. A little girl comes barreling at Katniss and her attention is directed at the little bundle of energy around her waist.

“Katniss, you are so pretty,” she squeals and Katniss laughs and drops to her knees.

“No Posy, YOU are so pretty. Goodness, who did your hair today?”

“Mommy,” the little girl laughs as she plays with her two braids. Katniss giggles and I smile down at both of them. Katniss looks up at me and smiles and turns back to Posy.

“Posy, I want you to meet someone very special.” She grips my hand and brings me down onto the floor with her. “This is my husband, Peeta. Peeta, this is Posy.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Posy,” I say as I extend my hand for her to shake. “I’ve heard a lot about you but Katniss never told me how lovely you are.” She giggles and shakes my hand, as she turns pink.

“I’ve heard a lot about you too Peeta! Katniss loooooves you.” I grin at Katniss as she tries not to roll her eyes at the girl’s playfulness. 

“Posy, would you stop bothering the newlyweds,” comes a sharp voice. Katniss looks up and frowns.

“She isn’t bothering us, Vick.” Vick Hawthorne looks a lot like his brother, especially with his scowl. Rory comes over to shake my hand and hug Katniss and Vick’s scowl deepens. Strange that being the older brother, Rory is actually ok with me but his youngest brother isn’t. I’m sure I have his eldest brother to thank for that. I rise to my feet and extend my hand.

“I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m--“

“I know who you are,” the boy cuts me off. Rory frowns at his brother.

“Vick, quit being an ass.”

“Rory, I’m telling Mom you said a bad word,” Posy squeals. Rory rolls his eyes and Katniss frowns.

“Vick, why don’t you actually take a moment to get to know Peeta? Your brother and sister both like him just fine and they’ve heard the same things about him as you have.” My brow raises just a bit as I wonder exactly what things Gale has been telling them about me. But Vick shakes his head.

“I gotta go find Mom.” He hurries off and Katniss huffs. Rory runs a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry, Peeta. He’s still angry with Gale for staying in 2. I told them you were nothing like Gale told us you were but he is still being an ass about it.”

“Rory, you said it again!”

“Shut up, Posy.”

“Rory, don’t talk like that to your sister,” Katniss says tiredly and I have to stifle a grin. I suddenly picture Katniss holding apart two children with dark hair and blue eyes. I feel a hand on my arm and I shake my head.

“You ok,” she says softly. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. And it’s ok, Rory. I don’t want to come between family. You go find your brother and let him know I’ll be here if he ever wants to talk to me.” I grin to show there’s no hard feelings and I wrap my arm around my bride’s waist.

“I think it’s time for a dance.” I lead her into the living room and out of nowhere, Thom and some of the townspeople strike up a tune. She smiles as she spins around, clutching my hand and dancing around the room. 

Delly asks to cut in and Thom asks Katniss for a dance. I smile as I twirl my almost-sister around and she leans close.

“Can you believe it’s finally happened, Peeta?” I shake my head as I glance over at Katniss.

“It still doesn’t feel real. I just…I can’t believe she agreed to marry me. After everything I have done--“

“You deserve every bit of happiness, Peeta,” she interrupts me. “And I’m glad you have found it with Katniss.” I smile gratefully and we break apart as the dance ends.   
Another one starts up, slower this time, and I see Katniss asking Vick to dance. He reluctantly agrees and she tries to make him smile. After a few minutes, he warms up and he looks different with a smile on. But it still irks me that he reminds me of his brother so much.  
And how I can imagine Gale twirling Katniss around the dance floor.   
And kissing her.

Stop it! Stop it now. I shake my head and look down at my ring. I move it so I can see the word Real and I breathe a sigh of relief.

“She married you. She loves you.” I repeat those words in my head and go across the room where I see Posy sitting with her mom. I nod my head to Hazelle before I stretch my hand out.

“Miss Posy, may I have this dance?” She squeals and looks to her mom first, who smiles and nods. She takes my hand and I lead her to the middle of the floor. Thom is dancing with Delly, Effie has managed to drag out a disgruntled looking Haymitch, Cressida and Pollux are whirling around in a crazy fashion, and Katniss is dancing with Vick. She catches my eye and smiles as I twirl little Posy around. I get down on my knees so she can put her hands on my shoulders. When the dance ends, she wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes me tight.

“Thank you for the dance, Peeta.” 

“Thank YOU, Posy.” She hurries back to her mother and Katniss comes back to me and kisses me sweetly on the mouth.

“She is glowing, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. You better watch out, in case she tries to steal me from you,” I tell her with a wink. Her eyes narrow.

“No seven year old is going to steal my husband.” I laugh and kiss her temple.

“No one is going to steal your husband because he is completely and utterly devoted to only you.” She lets out a little contented sigh as she rests her cheek against mine and I hold her close.

“Peeta, people are wanting cake!” I smile as Brent beckons us into the kitchen and remember Katniss hasn’t seen the cake yet. 

She gasps as we enter the room and she squeezes my hand.

“Peeta…” 

“The entire team worked on it,” I say squeezing her hand. She continues to gape at it as everyone joins us in the kitchen.   
It’s a three-tiered work of art with three different designs. The bottom tier has my sunset painted all around, the second is decorated with her woods. On the top tier is a field of dandelions and little molded figures of Katniss and me lie together in the middle of the flowers. There are candy pearls added to every tier and each one is a different flavor of cake. It’s not traditional by any means but since when have Katniss and I ever been traditional? She clutches my arm and spins me around, claiming my lips as hers. I hear whoops and hollers but I block them all out as I wrap her in my arms and continue to kiss her. When we break apart, we are breathless and I am suddenly very eager for our guests to leave. 

Haymitch hands me a knife and Katniss’s hand rests on mine as we cut the cake together and I start handing out pieces. Katniss almost seems sad and I worriedly ask her what’s the matter.

“It’s just too beautiful to eat. I felt the same way when I saw Annie’s and Finnick’s cake.”   
I had almost forgotten I had made their cake. I wonder if Annie is thinking of that too. I chance a glance at her and see she is playing with her son rather than looking at the cake.  
Good. Let her focus on the best thing in her life.   
Meanwhile, I’ll focus on mine. 

I lift a fork to Katniss’s lips and feed her a piece of our wedding cake. She smiles as she repeats my gesture and I worry for a moment if she is going to try to smash it into my face. But she does no such thing and I chew with a goofy grin. 

Our reception goes for another hour or so until guests start to come say their goodbyes. I’m sort of shocked at the amount of gifts that has piled up in the living room and I don’t even know if Katniss has noticed them all. Posy comes up and hugs me around the waist and Vick gives her a disapproving look. I blush when Hazelle hugs me and congratulates us again. Katniss smiles as she hugs them all goodbye and Posy kisses her on the cheek. I know she invited Gale. I’m a little surprised that he didn’t come and I wonder how Katniss is feeling about it.  
But I don’t ask. I came close to a flashback earlier and I don’t want to come that close again. If Gale felt it was smarter to stay away, I won’t question him.   
I start to remember the last conversation I had with him in the Capitol.

“Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can’t survive without.” I had been angry to hear those words. He had spoken as if Katniss was cold and unfeeling, only using us to her benefit. He hadn’t really known her at all. I still feel that way.   
Gale has come between us too many times to count. I’ve even lost it during flashbacks and came so close to hurting her only a week ago. It’s time to let Gale Hawthorne fade to the back of my mind.

He lost. I got the girl. And it’s with that smug realization that I spin her around in my arms and plant a kiss on her lips, marking her as mine. She looks surprised but returns my kiss with no questions asked. Her hand rests in mine as we continue to thank our guests and see them off. 

Cressida and Pollux both hug us tightly and Cressida thanks us for inviting them. We even allowed her to take some pictures of us before we left though we begged her not to go do some big report on the wedding.  
Effie is tearful as she says goodbye. I think she’s had too much to drink and Haymitch, who is completely sober, keeps his hand on her shoulder.

“Come on, Effie. Say goodnight to the kids and I’ll see you to your room.” Katniss and I exchange surprised looks at this and Effie gives us a tight squeeze.

“My dear sweet children,” she says slowly. “You both deserved so much more than what you were given. I am so glad you have found each other.”

“Thank you, Effie,” Katniss says sweetly, squeezing her hand. Haymitch rolls his eyes as he leads her out. George and Johanna come to us and congratulate us before they leave. Johanna hugs me and leans in close.

“I told you, you would win her heart in the end,” she whispers in my ear. I grin and squeeze her tight before she goes and whispers something in Katniss’s ear. They are staying in the hotel in Merchant Circle so we expect we will see them again before they leave. Mrs. Everdeen, Annie, and Finn are staying in Katniss’s house and Annie has already left to put Finn down. As we hug and thank our last guest, Katniss closes the door and leans against it, looking exhausted.

“I never knew weddings could be so tiring!” I smile and pull my bride close, suddenly very anxious to get that wedding dress off of her. 

“Want to go upstairs,” I ask between kisses. Her face lights up. She tugs me toward the stairs and up to the bedroom.  
We stand there making out in the middle of the room and she gently peels the jacket from my shoulders. We’re careful with Cinna’s clothes as we strip each other and hang them on the chair. As I stand in front of her in nothing but my black boxer briefs, my want for her pressing against her thigh, she turns and presents me with her zipper. I slowly unzip the gown and when she steps out of it, I hang it next to my wedding clothes on the chair. I gaze down at her, clad in a slip and a strapless bra.   
We’re hesitant and gentle, and it almost feels like our first time. I suppose in a way, it is. It’s our first night of being together like this, as husband and wife. She leans up and kisses me and pushes me toward the bed.

“Give me a minute,” she whispers and I nod as I watch her move into the bathroom. I sit on the edge of the bed for what seems like eternity as my cock strains against the material of my underwear.

I hear the door open and as I turn, it feels like all the breath has been knocked out of me.

If I thought she couldn’t get much sexier than she had been on my birthday, she’s definitely proved me wrong.

She’s wearing a cream-colored baby doll made of lace and completely see through. Her underwear (again, can I even call it that, as it barely covers anything) is a piece of orange material and her perfect breasts strain against the lace. Her nipples are dark and hardened in the cool air and my mouth waters as I imagine my lips closed around them. Her face is turned downward and I cross over to her and tilt her chin upwards. She’s blushing and I lean down to kiss all doubt from her mind. My tongue swipes across her lips before pushing my way into her mouth and I explore her completely, my hands reaching up to grip her luscious ass. She groans into my mouth and I tear my lips from hers to kiss her neck. She tilts her head back to allow me more access as I make my way down her throat and down to her lace-clad breasts. I take a nipple into my mouth and suck until the lace is soaked, before I move to the other one. Her hands are massaging my ass and I rock on my heels as I steady myself against her. I move to sit on the bed and stretch my hand toward her.

“Come here, Mrs. Mellark.” She moves slowly, her hips swaying and damn near destroying me. I bring her into my lap and she wraps her legs around my waist as I hold her over me. We both groan as the friction is driving us mad. I can feel how wet she is and I want to lose myself inside her for the rest of my life. I slide one strap of the lingerie down her shoulder and expose a breast. Hungrily, I take her into my mouth and pull her nipple between my teeth. She cries out and grabs my curls, holding my head close. I look up at her to see her eyes squeezed shut, her teeth biting her lower lip and a look of pure ecstasy on her face. I release her and pull the lace over her head, setting it aside rather than throwing it on the floor. I have a feeling this was Cinna’s work too and I silently thank him for knowing exactly what I would like.   
She grinds against my lap and I don’t know how much more I’ll be able to take. But I want this night to go on forever and I’m determined to hold on as long as I can. She reaches down and strokes me through my underwear and I groan. I back up on the bed until my back hits the frame and she stands over me. My mouth waters as I look up and see her panties are soaked through. She looks down at me, her hands splayed across her breasts and she positions her legs on either side of my waist. She plays with her nipples and I’m biting my lip so hard I think it’s bleeding. Her hands move down to the scrap of underwear and she starts inching them down her hips. I yank them off of her and pull her forward so I can bury my face between her legs. She cries out and her knees buckle but I help hold her up as my tongue thrusts into her. I devour her sweetness as she braces herself against the wall. She reaches back and clutches my hair in her fist as my tongue explores her completely before focusing on that little button that drives her mad. I reach up and slide two fingers inside her, curling them the way I know she likes and she screams as she clamps her legs together. I can tell she is close and I take her clit between my teeth, proving to be her undoing. She screams my name and I bring her down to me and kiss her fiercely. She moans as she licks herself off of me, grinding against me. I feel her hands reach into my boxers and grasp me and I buck into her hands. She spreads the several drops of precum around my head and I groan as I let my head fall back. The moment I feel her tongue touch me, I know I’m a goner. It barely takes several swipes of her tongue before I’m exploding all over my stomach.

She leans over me and kisses me and I squeeze her ass. Her hands claw at my underwear and pull them down my legs and I kick them aside. I feel her hands on me again and she is pumping me to full arousal. I turn her around and she glances at me over her shoulder while I slink down her body. I grip her cheeks and lick my way up and down, feeling her shudder beneath me. I stroke myself as my tongue explores her and feel her hand in my hair again. She tugs upward and I reach up and slap her ass.

I’m not sure where it came from but she jumps and gasps and I do it again. She lets out a deep groan and I repeat my actions. Her cheeks are a gorgeous shade of red and I rub my stinging palm over them.

“Fuck Katniss.” I lean down to kiss both cheeks before I scoot closer on my knees and slide inside her. 

“Oh god Peeta,” she moans into the pillow. I see her hands fisting the sheets and I grip her hips, pulling her into me. I feel my own hips slamming into her and the sounds that are coming from her are inhuman. I let out my own animalistic groans as I watch me disappear inside her.

“Fuck, Peeta,” she groans. “Harder! Fuck me harder!” 

Oh FUCK!

“You want it harder,” I growl. She nods and I snap my hips in an almost painful way. I am taking her hard and fast, drilling into her without a fucking care in the world. It’s almost primal, the way we are going at it. She leans forward and buries her head in the pillow, elevating her ass even more. My fingernails claw at her back and I grab a fistful of her hair, wrapping it around my hand and tugging. I see her head come up and she reaches out and grips the bed frame. I slap her ass again and feel her jerk forward, at the same time emitting a shrill scream and growls that I swear I have never heard another human make. She’s still shuddering and I watch as fluid pours from her body. She collapses forward and grips the pillow as I plunge into her, racing toward my own release. 

“Oh…oh my god, Peeta!” I feel her clench around me and know her orgasm will be softer this time. But her tightening pussy feels beyond incredible around me and I explode deep within her. Exhausted, I collapse on her back and push her into the sheets. She’s shuddering beneath me and I kiss her back before I roll off of her. 

Somehow I find the strength to go into the bathroom for a wet rag and come back to clean her up. I gently move her to the side and clean our fluids from her. I stare at the soaking wet sheets underneath her and turn my wide eyes to her. She looks down and goes very red.

“I’m…I’m sorry, I don’t know what…I mean, that’s never happened before--“

“That was the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, Katniss,” I tell her with a broad grin. She goes even redder and I shake my head as I lean in to kiss her.

“Seriously, don’t be embarrassed. You just had the most intense orgasm you’ve ever had and you have no idea how good that makes me feel.” 

“That’s…a good thing that I…did that?” I smile. She’s still so innocent in so many ways. Then again, she didn’t have two experienced older brothers to teach her anything and everything.

“It was a very good thing and I can’t wait to try and get you to do it again.” She blushes even deeper and I find I absolutely love the shade all over her body. I wipe myself off and get up to toss the rag into the corner. I pick up the lace baby doll she was wearing and I hang it on the chair with our suit and dress. While I take care of our clothes, she strips the sheets from the bed and quickly puts down a blanket for us to lie on. I climb back into bed with her and she drapes herself across my chest.

“So Cinna designed you wedding lingerie too?”

“Mmmhm. I found them at the back of the closet. I thought that one would be your favorite.”

“You know me well,” I say as I kiss the top of her head. “Are you ok?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. I’m just checking to make sure.” Now that I’ve cleared my head, my actions come back to me and I can’t believe that I actually spanked her. She seems like she liked it but what if she didn’t? I bite my lip nervously as I stare down at her. She notices and looks up at me, frowning.

“Peeta, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I…it’s just, we don’t really talk about…you know, what happens between us in the bedroom and I just want to make sure…everything that we do, you’re comfortable with.”

“If I’m not, you’d know it.” Ok, I guess that works. I know Katniss is the kind of girl who would let me know when something is bothering her. Still, the way she demanded that I take her harder echoes in my mind and I feel myself hardening again. 

“You like it when I’m rough with you,” I whisper against her hair. “Real or not real?”

“Real,” she says tiredly, almost asleep. “I like when you take control. You’re fucking hot when you’re so domineering.”

I’m not sure if that would have slipped out if she wasn’t so tired but she doesn’t correct herself and I have to grin. The last time we tried it, it didn’t go so well but maybe we can experiment without her being tied up and blindfolded. She seems to like it when I have control as long as she can stop me if she needs to. I’m still a little afraid to let myself go completely just in case I go to a dark place but that had to be the most intense sex we have ever had and I’m not complaining one bit. Her arm tightens around my waist and she nuzzles closer to me and I finally give in to the exhaustion. I kiss her head as I settle down.

“I love you, Katniss Mellark.” I decide I may never call her anything else. The sound of my name with hers is the most perfect sound in the world.


	40. Chapter 40

When we wake up, I contemplate calling into the bakery as I really don’t want to leave my bride. I think they would be more than understanding and as I set my feet on the cold floor, I hear a knock downstairs. Frowning, I glance at the clock. Who the hell is at our door at this hour? I glance at Katniss and fumble for my robe. As I’m leaving the room, I hear my name.

“Peeta?” I spin around and see her sitting up in bed. She rubs her eyes and frowns.

“Where are you going?”

“Um…someone’s knocking.”

“At our door? Who could it be?”

“I don’t know but stay here, I’ll be right back.” I kiss her forehead before I hurry out of the room. But as I’m making my way down the stairs, I feel her small hand in mine and I have to roll my eyes.

“You really don’t know how to listen, do you?” She just shrugs and leans into me as I open the door.  
We both gasp at the sight of our visitor. 

Gale looks official, straight-backed and proud and a little smug even. He doesn’t smile as he nods to both of us.

“Good morning, Mr and Mrs. Mellark. I’ve come with a message from President Paylor,” he hands Katniss a yellow envelope. “She says consider it a wedding present.” His face betrays no emotion and I raise a brow, glancing at my wife as she opens the envelope. I consider inviting him inside but find I really don’t want him in my house right now. Katniss gasps and her hand flies to her mouth. I forget about Gale and turn to her.

“Katniss, what is it?” 

“It’s…she’s…” she can’t complete a sentence and I reach for the letter she’s holding. When she releases it, I open it and read it quickly.

 

Dear Katniss and Peeta,

Congratulations on your nuptials. I know I speak for Panem when I say we are very happy for you both and I am overjoyed that you are both doing so much better. 

A petition was put in place to temporarily lift Katniss’s exile to District 12. In light of recent events, the Committee has agreed that as Katniss’s husband, Peeta would maintain responsibility and the safety of the Mockingjay. It is therefore decreed that Katniss Everdeen Mellark has been granted temporary access out of District 12. Five days shall be given as a honeymoon period and the Mellarks will return to District 12 at the end of the five days so Katniss may live out her sentence. 

I do hope this is a comfort to you both and wish you a joyous honeymoon.

Please send word with Captain Hawthorne as to where and when you would like to honeymoon and he will prepare for your departure. Please understand you will have a chaperone to ensure both of your safety. Though I trust that you are both doing better, I was not able to convince the rest of the Committee as surely as I would have liked. Though temporary amnesty has been granted, many people still view the Mockingjay as a threat and feel safer if a government official is present. Though be assured, the chaperone will keep his distance to allow both of you privacy and romance. 

My best to you both! Congratulations again!

President M. Paylor

 

Underneath her letter, an official pardon bearing her name and seal showed Katniss’s amnesty. I look up, shocked. Gale hasn’t moved.

“Um…can we have some time to discuss this, Gale? We can call if you if you like--“

“I’m going to visit with my family before I return to 2. I’ll be back this evening for your answer. President Paylor would like to begin preparations immediately.” I nod and turn back to Katniss, who has gone pale. Gale clears his throat.

“Until tonight then.” He turns away but stops and clears his throat again.

“Oh and um…congratulations.” It’s not quite sarcasm but it’s not well wishes either. I scowl and close the door behind him, before turning to my wife.

“Katniss, this is great news! We get to go on an actual honeymoon!”

“With a chaperone,” she says quietly. 

“So what? She says he’ll keep his distance. Five whole days, wherever we want! Honey, aren’t you excited?” She looks at me and tries to smile.

“Yeah. It’ll be fun. I’m just worried. I don’t want you taking responsibility for me.”

“You’re my wife, Katniss. I’ll feel responsible for you, wherever we are.” She scowls and I bite my lip, knowing that wasn’t the right response. Sighing, I take her hands in mine.

“What I mean is, I have worried about you since we were children. That’s not going to change now. It’s my job to keep you safe and happy. If this is our only chance to leave District 12, I want us to make the most out of it.” She nods, finally meeting my eyes.

“Getting away with you sounds perfect. Where would you like to visit?” I shrug.

“As long as I’m with you, I could care less where we are. Where do you want to go?”

“Four was my favorite on the Victory Tour. It was so beautiful and peaceful there.” I nod in agreement. That was where she had actually loosened up and we had escaped from Haymitch and Effie and just held each other and talked. It was wonderful.

“I agree, four was wonderful. You want to go there?” She nods and I grin broadly.

“Ok. Let’s honeymoon in four! Maybe Annie can tell us some nice places to visit.” She nods silently and we make our way into the kitchen. I decide to make breakfast since we are already up and she sits at the table, chewing on her lip. I want to ask what is wrong but I think I already know the answer. 

My suspicions are confirmed a few minutes later, when I set some tea in front of her.

“Why was he so…cold,” she wonders aloud. I sigh and shake my head.

“Maybe he just doesn’t know how to act around you, Katniss. The last time you saw him you told him you were in love with me. Now we’re married. And the girl he used to know didn’t ever want to get married. Maybe you both have just changed… a lot.” 

“But I…I invited him to the wedding. I wanted him to be there with the rest of his family. And he didn’t even send something saying he wouldn’t be there. He’s acting like there was nothing between us!” I clench my jaw, to keep from saying something hurtful. Why does she care so much? She hasn’t spoken about him before this and now she’s sad he didn’t see us get married? I for one am not that disappointed but I have to remind myself, they were best friends. He did take care of her, when I was a prisoner in the Capitol.

I feel a sudden flash of pain between my eyes and I reach up to grip my curls. I can feel her watching me warily.

“Peeta?”

~~Do you want to know what she’s doing? Right now? As you are getting tortured, she is with Gale. I’m sure you can imagine what they are doing.

 

“No!” 

~~Yes, little baker boy. She doesn’t care about you. She’s not even thinking about you. All she needed you for was when you made her look good on television. Now that she has showed her true colors, she doesn’t have to pretend that Hawthorne is her cousin. She doesn’t have to pretend to be with you. She’s laughing behind your back, with him. We’ve told her that we have you as our prisoner and she merely laughed and said it was no concern of hers anymore.

“Stop it,” I gasp between gritted teeth.

“Peeta, what-?”

~~Come on, Peeta. Is it really that hard to hurt her? After all she has done to you? She’s responsible for the bombing of District 12. Your family. Your family is gone because of her. And now she continues to laugh at you from afar and refuse to come help you, when you need her most. Aren’t you angry? Don’t you want to kill her and Hawthorne?

“Yes.”

~~Then do it. When we return you to her, you kill her. You’ll be doing the world a favor, ridding the world of the Mockingjay. No one needs her. 

“I…I do.”

“You do what? Peeta, what is going on?”

~~You can do it, Peeta. We have faith in you. Katniss Everdeen must be eliminated. The rebels have already destroyed her. She will try to kill you if you don’t kill her first. She and Hawthorne will team up to kill you. They’re more of a team than you ever were. You can destroy them both. 

“Peeta! Please look at me!” I vaguely feel arms wrap around me and I shake my head and struggle. 

“Let go of me!”

“Peeta, open your eyes and see me,” comes her soothing voice. A part of me fights to get back to her. But the other part, the stronger part, wants to murder her right here and now. I fumble around until my hand closes around a knife.

“Open your eyes, love. Open your eyes and see me.” She’s holding me tightly and I try to move from her grasp. When I open my eyes, she’s glaring down at me, her fangs dripping with poison. Her red eyes flash as she moves closer to me and I throw her aside. She falls to the floor and glares up at me.

“Get away from me!” 

~~DO it! Kill her!

“No! Stop it! Leave me alone!” 

~~KILL HER! 

“Peeta!” 

And then I slip into blackness, still crying out Katniss’s name. 

 

When I wake up, I’m lying on the couch with a thin blanket tossed over me. I lean up and rub my sore head and look around. I can hear voices, soft and low, in the   
next room. I’m still in my house but then…where is Katniss?

Oh god! I sit straight up and my wide eyes travel around the room. Where is she? What have I done? 

I try to get off the couch but someone has removed my prosthetic and I stumble to the ground. 

I look up to see Haymitch, Annie, and George running into the room.

“Peeta, you’re awake!” 

“Yeah I…where is Katniss?”

“How do you feel?”

“Fine. My head hurts a little and…where is my leg?”

“We removed it to make you more comfortable. You were having a seizure and we were trying to calm you down.” I struggle back onto the couch and hide my face in my shaking hands. Haymitch has seen me at my worst but Annie and George are staring at me in shock and fear.

Whatever. Annie was in the cell next to me and has heard my screams. And Johanna may be even worse than I am and George has been with her for a year. So let them see me in my damaged state. 

My hands drop to my lap and I look up at my mentor.

“Haymitch, where is Katniss?”

“She’s upstairs.”

“Did I…is she alright?”

“She’s fine. Just a little shaken up. Johanna is up there with her now.” He clears his throat. “Um, George, how about the tea we were making? Peeta could probably use some.”

“Of course,” he says gruffly as he hurries out of the kitchen. Annie mutters that she’ll help and Haymitch lowers himself next to me.

“What happened, kid?”

“I don’t know. Gale came to see us. And then I was seeing things and hearing voices. Someone told me to kill her and I snapped but she had her arms around me and I was trying to get away and then I just blacked out.”

“When we came in, you were thrashing around on the floor. Katniss was shaking you and screaming your name and Johanna picked her up and carried her off. She put up a fight but we kept her away while you calmed down. We’ve, uh…locked her in her room.” Oh damn. She is not going to be happy when she comes out of there.

“I thought you said Johanna was with her.”

“Well, on the other side of the door, trying to talk to her. We just needed you to calm down so you wouldn’t hurt yourself.” I hear footsteps on the stairs and Johanna skids into the room. Her eyes are wide when she sees I’m awake but then she turns to Haymitch.

“Brainless has escaped!” 

“What do you mean, escaped?”

“I mean the room was silent so I opened the door to check on her. She’s gone. Out the window.” I try to stand but Haymitch puts a hand on my shoulder.

“Ok. We’ll find her.”

“Haymitch, give me my leg. I’m going after her.”

“No you’re not. You’re not in any state to go traipsing around outside. We’ll find her.”

“Haymitch,” I plead. “She’s my wife! I can’t just sit here!”

“Peeta, you’re still really weak,” Johanna says gentler than I would expect. “Annie will stay with you. We’ll find your wife, don’t worry.” 

“Where could she have gone,” George asks. Haymitch shakes his head.

“God only knows.”

“The woods,” I say suddenly, hitting myself that I didn’t think of it sooner. “It’s her refuge. She went to the woods to think.” 

“Ok, George and I will go find her. Johanna, you keep an eye on Peeta and Annie, go back to Katniss’s house and make sure she didn’t go there. I don’t imagine she would have gone to her mother but I never know with that girl.” I watch miserably as they all hurry out of the house. Johanna sighs and collapses in the chair across from me. I shift from side to side, noticing that my bladder feels rather full.

“Jo, I really need to use the restroom. Please give me my leg.”

“Peeta, I swear to god if you try to escape--“

“I’ll be down the fucking hall,” I snap, losing my patience. She rolls her eyes and grabs my prosthetic from against the wall. I pull it on and clasp it before I hurry down the hall toward the bathroom. 

I splash my face with water and hold a towel pressed against my face, sighing deeply. I hear a sound behind me and my head snaps up, my eyes widening at what I see in the mirror.

Katniss is standing behind me, holding a knife out in front of her. Her face is red and tear-streaked, her hair is wild, her eyes are narrowed and she is staring at me as if waiting for something. I raise my arms, defensively but she shakes her head.

“Put your hands in front of you. On the mirror.”

“Katniss--“

“Do it!” I squeeze my eyes shut and do as she says. She walks closer and our eyes meet in the mirror.

“What happened back there?”

“It was just a flashback--“

“It was not JUST a flashback! You were coming after me with a knife, Peeta. You haven’t…it hasn’t been that bad in ages. What triggered it? Was it me?”

“Of course not, I just--“

“Then what? What set you off so badly?”

“I don’t know, Katniss,” I say through clenched teeth. “Would you just put down the fucking knife? It’s not really helping things right now.” She flinches and lowers her hands and I start to turn toward her. I feel her tense up but I still reach out to her and draw her into my arms. The knife falls to the floor and she’s sobbing into my chest. Finally I feel her arms wind around my neck and I lower her into the floor, rocking back and forth as I stroke her hair. I pull her into my lap and hold her as close as I can. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I keep saying over and over. She keeps shaking her head but her sobs have intensified and I can’t understand her through her crying. 

“I didn’t mean…I could never hurt you, Katniss. You have to know that.” 

“You could, Peeta. You could if I can’t bring you back. And I couldn’t this time. You were just…gone. Your eyes were completely black and you had this look of rage and…murder.” I grip her face in her hands and tenderly kiss her all over. ‘I’m sorry’ paints her skin with my lips between my kisses and she sniffles as she keeps her face turned toward me. I pull her back into my arms and I jump at the knock at the door.

“Everything ok, Peeta? Katniss is ok?”

“We’re fine, Jo,” I call back and Katniss sighs against my chest. 

“I’m going to kill her with my bare hands,” she says.

“Sweetheart they were just worried about you.”

“They kept me away from you. Don’t people know by now that is the worst thing they could do to us? Separate us?” I wince and shake my head.

“They are just thinking of what is best. They didn’t know if I would hurt you. And you’re too stubborn to stay away from me so they had to lock you up. How the hell did you get in here anyway?”

“The window,” she mutters. I snort and shake my head.

“I love you, Katniss.”

“I love you too,” she mumbles as her arms tighten around my neck. I slowly start to stand, picking her up with me and stand behind her as she washes her face. I nervously pick up the knife from the floor and her eyes dart to it. I swallow and wordlessly hand it to her. She takes it and sighs deeply.

“It was Gale, wasn’t it? You’re never going to stop thinking…” she trails off and I bite my lip.

“I trust you. I do. But I can’t always get rid of the things they showed me. And I know they were fake. But those images are always stuck in my mind. I see you with him, even as my heart screams that you would never do that to me. I can’t help it and I’m sorry.” She lowers her head and drops her eyes to the floor. I reach behind us and open the door. I take her hand in mine and squeeze before I lead her back to the living room. 

Johanna, Haymitch, and George are all waiting for us, Johanna looking pissed and Haymitch looking slightly amused. 

“The window, sweetheart? Really?” Katniss shrugs beside me.

“I’ll always find a way to him.” My heart swells and I try not to grin. 

“We were trying to protect you, brainless,” Johanna explodes.

“I don’t need protecting! I needed to get to my husband and you were keeping me from him! When are you people ever going to learn not to separate us?”

“When are you going to learn that Peeta can’t always control his flashbacks,” Haymitch snaps. “The venom is still inside him! It still makes him see things. And he’s stronger than you. If we know he’s still capable of hurting you, we are going to try to protect you both!” 

“Hello, I’m right here,” I raise my hand, feeling irritated that they are talking about me as if I’m still in a flashback. Johanna’s eyes flash.

“I watched him struggle with himself in 13, Katniss. I watched him flick back and forth between wanting to kill you and wanting to be with you. And I saw you, even weeks after he attacked you, and the bruises around your neck were still fresh! Forgive me if I don’t want that happening again!” 

“Jo,” George barks, grabbing her hand. Katniss and I are both shaking. I hear her taking deep breaths to calm herself but I know she is pissed and close to launching herself on top of Johanna. I, on the other hand, can’t believe Johanna would go that far. I know she loves us both and she wants to keep Katniss safe but she just said that in front of me! Does she even realize how that makes me feel? 

“I’m…I’m going to the bakery,” I mumble, turning away to go get dressed and get out of here. I hear voices of protest and it doesn’t surprise me that Katniss is right behind me when I enter the bedroom.

“Go back downstairs, Katniss,” I tell her without looking at her.

“Look at me, Peeta.” When I don’t, she gets angry. She shuffles in front of me and takes my face in her hands.

“LOOK at me. Stop avoiding me.”

“You heard her. You heard what she said. I CAN hurt you. I did hurt you. You almost died. And everyone saw it. Everyone knows what I’ve done.”

“It wasn’t you,” she says firmly. “Damn it Peeta, how many times do I have to tell you, it wasn’t you! You would never hurt me. I know you love me.”

“But there’s a piece of me, deep inside, that could still win. That could still carry out their orders. They programmed me to kill you. What if I succeed one day?”

“You won’t.” I shake my head in frustration at the woman’s stubbornness. 

“Damn it, Katniss.”

“Stop it, Peeta! Prim believed in you. I believe in you too.” I stop and feel my face soften. Her hands still grip my cheeks but she’s caressing me in a loving way.

“You can fight it. I watch you fight it all the time. You are the bravest person I know. You remind me of my father and Prim. Your bravery and courage and your compassion make you an even more wonderful person. They didn’t destroy that, Peeta. They tried and you didn’t let them. So don’t let them keep coming between us. I’ve told you, you’re mine, and he can’t have you.” Sighing, I pull her into my arms and kiss her hair. I don’t have the strength to argue. I know there are things I am going to have to figure out but for now, I’m content just holding on to my wife.

We dress quickly and head back downstairs. Johanna and Haymitch are talking quietly in the kitchen.

“We’re going to the bakery,” I announce. “You all are welcome to join us for lunch. I decided I’m taking a half day so Katniss and I will be making dinner tonight and everyone is invited.” George comes out of the bathroom and joins Johanna. 

“Dinner sounds great,” she says in a strained voice. Katniss clings to my hand and I nod.

“Great. We will see everyone about 6 then. If you want to stop by the bakery, there will be free pastries and coffee to anyone who wants them.”

“I won’t say no to that,” George says with a smile. 

“I need to go check on Annie and Finn,” Johanna mumbles. Haymitch nods.

“I’m sure Effie will love to come see the bakery. We will be there later, kids.” They follow us out and we wave goodbye as we set off toward town. Katniss has never once let go of my hand.


	41. Chapter 41

I was terrified that my life would change completely if I ever got married. I was scared that I would lose myself and wouldn’t even recognize myself.

That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Being married to Peeta is wonderful and not all that different. I suppose Johanna was right when she once told me we had essentially been married long before he had actually proposed. It’s not that we never fight anymore but since we had been living together, it’s like we’re already husband and wife. The only difference is my name. And I immediately noted how much Peeta loved to say it. When we wake up in the morning he’ll smile and pull me in for a kiss while saying ‘good morning Mrs. Mellark’. Or he uses the word wife whenever he can slip it into conversation. I call him husband just to drive him crazy. And I admit, I love to watch his eyes light up whenever I say it. 

We were both really excited to get out of 12 for a real honeymoon but the world seemed to be against us for awhile. A nasty blizzard hit 12 and snowed everyone in. Gale was even delayed but I think Hazelle was quite happy to have her eldest son home for awhile. The blizzard had gone on for weeks and during that time, everyone got sick. It was a good thing Mom had come to the wedding. She kept everyone supplied with her healing tea and none of us got too serious. Peeta’s cough kept him home from the bakery for several days, and I made sure to take good care of my husband. After Peeta started to get better, Haymitch caught it. His was worse because of his drinking and my mother sternly told him he could have no more alcohol until he was completely cured. It was the longest week of his life, I imagine. I know she saw him sober in 13 and she’s probably wondering why he picked up the habit again but she doesn’t say anything. 

When the snow finally slowed down, trains came back to 12 and took everyone home. Annie and Finn headed back to 4 with Mom, and Johanna and George left for 6 for George’s work. Gale went back to 2, much to Hazelle’s and Vick’s dismay. Rory didn’t seem too disappointed though. I don’t know what happened between them but Rory had told Peeta he would take care of the bakery while Peeta was sick and when I stopped by to check on everything, Rory’s face was screwed up in anger. I swear the boy was taking out his rage on the dough. I, for one, realized things would never be the same between Gale and me. Not that I was surprised or even too upset but it hurt that he was treating it as if nothing had ever existed between us. But I can’t let it worry me too much. I have Peeta and he was always the one I was going to wind up with in the end. It just took my head and heart too long to catch up. 

We decided to hold off on the honeymoon and phoned Paylor to make sure that was alright. She said we could choose any five days, as long as gave her plenty of notice so we told her we would be in touch. 

It gets so cold that we don’t really want to do anything but stay in bed. Peeta is more than ok with this but I get restless easily. I’m jealous that he is able to practice his hobbies indoors-- he often disappears into his studio to paint, or goes down to the kitchen to make me cheesebuns. Hunting is out of the question and I long to get out of the house. I often snap at my poor husband, who only smiles and tells me he loves me. 

December brings something new: Christmas. We had never been able to really celebrate the holiday, as the Capitol banned many of the old holidays. But Peeta is really excited to celebrate it this year. He brings out a book that tells all about the holiday and many of the customs. I think it is ridiculous to cut down a living tree and bring it into the house to cover it in tacky ornaments but Peeta seems really giddy about it so I keep my opinions to myself.  
It’s another day where the air is freezing and I don’t want to leave the warmth of the blankets. I hear Peeta taking a shower so I put my feet on the floor and shiver as the cold bites me. I run to the closet to find the warmest clothes I can find and pull on Peeta’s jacket to add to it. As I’m pulling on an extra pair of socks, the door opens and steam comes pouring out. Peeta is shirtless and his curls are dripping. He smiles when he sees I’m awake and leans in to kiss me.

“Morning beautiful. I was just about to come wake you.”

“I woke up to a cold bed,” I say grumpily. He chuckles.

“Sorry about that. How about some hot chocolate?” I perk up immediately and he laughs. After pulling on a shirt, he turns and surveys me.

“Katniss, are you really that cold?”

“It’s freezing!” 

“How many shirts do you have on under there?”

“I have a shirt and a sweater. And your jacket.” His hand goes to my forehead and he looks worried.

“You’re not getting sick again, are you?” I shake him off.

“No, I’m just cold. Come on, let’s go make that chocolate.” I wrap my hand in his and we go down to the kitchen. His Christmas book is open on the table and I glance at it.

“Why would a fat man in a red suit come put stuff in our socks?”

“He goes around delivering presents to the good children,” he laughs. “And gives coal to the bad ones. And it’s not just socks. In some cultures, it’s our shoes. Others, it’s our hats.”

“And he just walks into our houses? That’s kind of creepy.”

“It’s just an old Christmas legend, Katniss. Something for the kids.” I perk up as an idea starts to come to me and he raises a brow.

“What’re you thinking?”

“I’ll tell you later, when I’ve thought it out.” He lets out a little ‘hmm’ as he mixes the chocolate.

“Want marshmallows?”

“Of course,” he laughs at me and puts lots of little marshmallows into the cup and hands it to me. I hold it close to my face and inhale, allowing the steam to warm my cheeks. 

“Ok. What else do we need to do to get ready for Christmas?” 

“You don’t have to do this, Katniss. I know you’re not really into it.” I shrug.

“If it makes you happy, it makes me happy. It’s fun to see you like a giddy little boy.” He grins boyishly and I have to smile. I love to see him so carefree and innocent and talks of Christmas have definitely made him so.

“Ok, we need to make some stockings to hang by the fireplace. And we need to work on decorations, for when we finally get the tree. Maybe tomorrow we can find one to cut down.” I don’t mention how much I hate this idea but he must spot my scandalized expression because he chuckles.

“We need a Christmas tree, Katniss. What would you suggest?”

“Not cutting down a tree?”

“The Capitol makes fake ones,” he says uncertainly. “I could maybe see about ordering one.”

“It’s fine, Peeta,” I tell him as I raise my cup to my lips. “If you want a real tree, then that’s what we’ll have.” 

“You’ll like it too. I promise.” He blows on his chocolate and takes a sip. 

For the next several hours, we do crafts on the kitchen table. Peeta even giggles as he makes paper chains and popcorn garlands. 

Around 2:00, Rory comes by with Posy. Peeta had asked him to come get some supplies for the bakery but Posy squeals when she sees what we are doing.

“Can I help?” Peeta laughs and beckons for her to sit next to him.

“You can help me make garlands! You want to string the popcorn or the cranberries?”

“Cranberries,” she exclaims excitedly. Rory shakes his head but he joins in the decorating.

I watch Peeta help Posy with their heads tucked close together, whispering excitedly. I can’t help but feel the familiar pang in my heart. I see Peeta with children all the time at the bakery. I see that look on his face. He wants them and I don’t. And the saddest thing is, he would make the most wonderful father. Watching him with Finn was almost painful. Annie tells me I will change my mind one day but I don’t think so. I have vowed never to have children and I have told Peeta that.   
Still, watching him work with the Hawthornes make guilt rise up in my throat. I swallow and excuse myself for a moment and I feel Peeta’s eyes follow me out of the room. 

I take a moment to collect myself before hurrying back before Peeta can come looking for me. He watches me closely when I return but I smile and shake my head, offering to help with the decorations. Rory tells Posy they need to get home and Peeta invites them back again tomorrow. He plans to go into the woods to find pine cones to paint and says he will need some help. Posy jumps up and down excitedly and Rory gives Peeta a grateful smile. 

When they are gone, I snuggle up to him and his arm drapes around my shoulder.

“What do you want to work on next?”

“Making my wife smile.” I look up at him and see him watching me slyly, so I wrap my arms around his neck and press against him. He lets out a growl that makes me grow wet in minutes and he is picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom. All thoughts of Christmas and everything else are wiped from his mind as he settles between my thighs.


	42. Chapter 42

I come home to a warm house and smile when I see all the lights we hung are on and casting a cozy glow around the living room. I love how the tree glows in the corner and Katniss has made a fire, which adds to the coziness of the house. I kick off my shoes and hang up my coat and scarf as I call for my wife.  
She comes around the corner holding two steaming mugs and I smile gratefully as I accept mine. She has become obsessed with the hot chocolate and I keep her supplied with it on these bitterly cold days. But they are my favorite, I’ll have to admit. I love coming home from the bakery and cuddling with her on the couch. The cold makes her practically climb into my lap to search for my warmth and I can’t get close enough to her.

I go to meet her in the doorway and she grins as her eyes flick upwards. I know exactly what she is looking at and I lean in for a kiss. She accepts eagerly and I feel her tongue swipe across my bottom lip. I have to say, this is probably one of my favorite Christmas traditions. Mistletoe. I’ve read about kissing boughs way before the Dark Days, and mistletoe was sort of an updated tradition in my book. Thankfully Katniss is so good with plants because when I described it to her, she brought home several branches. I tied them with a red ribbon and hung them in nearly every doorway in our house. Not that I need an excuse to kiss my wife but it makes things more “spirited.”

When we settle on the couch together, she nuzzles up against my chest and sighs contentedly.

“Christmas is next week. Want to know what I have been working on?”  
It’s been killing me, quite honestly. She mentioned a few weeks ago that she had an idea but hasn’t said anything more. But she’s been making calls and staying in town late most days. I know she’s been up to something. Now I’ll finally learn what it is.

“Tell me.” 

“First, what are your plans for tomorrow?”

“I need to go into the bakery in the morning but I can probably get out early. Riley’s getting over a cold so he may call in again. If he doesn’t, I don’t have to stay. Why? What’s going on?” She moves from the couch and grabs a box from underneath the tree. I start to protest but she shakes her head.

“I just needed somewhere to keep it. This is what I have been working on.”

When I open it, I let out a little gasp. I look up at her with wide eyes and she smiles.

“Will you go shopping with me tomorrow?” I know exactly what is going through my wife’s mind and I fall even more in love with her at that moment.

“I’d love to,” I say before I kiss her. Her fingers find my curls and she tugs me closer. I move the box aside and pull her into my lap. I grip her ass as I rub her against my growing erection and she lets out a little moan. Without another word, I carry her to our room and bring her apart with my hands and my mouth before I find my way inside her again.

Afterwards, we are wrapped around each other under the covers and she gently kisses my nose.

“You are without a doubt the most wonderful man on this earth.” I smile and bring her down on top of me as I kiss her deeply, feeling our desire just start to build again. 

“I love you,” I tell her. I love how her smile widens and her cheeks flush every time I say it. I could never get tired of seeing her reaction.  
And hearing her response.

 

“Rory, bring me some more of the chocolate cupcakes,” I call hurriedly, as the customer taps her foot impatiently. He comes bursting out with a tray, which I gratefully grab and plate two cupcakes, apologizing for the wait. I take a moment to wipe my brow and sigh when Dane asks me to return to the kitchen.

“Wait, what do you mean the oven stopped working?”

“Just that. It just stopped working,” Cora snaps, looking ready to cry. 

“Ok, Ok. We still have a working oven. Transfer everything from this one to the other one and I’ll call in a repair man.”

“We’re not going to be able to keep up with these orders, Peeta,” Dane says worriedly. “We can’t take any more for tonight. Not until we get the oven fixed.” I sigh and rub my forehead. I hate denying orders but I know he’s right. There’s just no way to make everything with just one oven.

“Ok. Cora, you stay up front and explain that what is in the cases is all we have. Dane, you and Jana can frost the cookies and Rory, you finish baking the cookies and cupcakes in the other oven. I’ll go get the repair man on the phone.” My team nods and all sets to work. I’m grateful to have such great employees but feel bad when they are all running around in chaos, like today. 

Once in my office, I close the door and dial the number to the place I ordered them from in District 3. I’m on hold for a few minutes before I hear a gentle knock. I put my hand over the speaker in case someone comes back and I tell whoever it is to come on in.  
Katniss peeks her head in and smiles and I instantly feel a wave of relief at the mere sight of her. I prop the phone against my cheek as I hold out my arms. She rushes into them and I bury my face in her hair.

“Heard you were having a rough day,” she says quietly.

“That’s an understatement. I feel like I need to treat all my employees to a drink for the craziness we have dealt with this morning. I’m trying to get the repair guy from 3…hello? Yes, this is Peeta Mellark, holding for Cash Waynes. Hello Mr. Waynes. Yes, good to speak to you again as well.” I quickly explain to him the problem and he promises to send someone out to inspect it.

“Mr. Mellark, you may want to consider purchasing a new oven. I’m not sure how much longer that one will hold out.” I bite my lip. Katniss surprised me before we opened with a salvaged oven from the original bakery. She had taken the time to have someone come out to refurbish it so that I would have a piece of my family with me in the new bakery. I didn’t want to get rid of it. On the other hand, this was the second time it had problems. 

“Alright. I’ll look through the brochure you sent me and order a new one.” I thank him and hang up and turn back to Katniss, sighing. She wraps her arms around my waist and looks concerned.

“Do you need me to stay and help with anything?”

“Thank you sweetheart but we’ve got it covered. I can’t leave, though. I know I told you I would go shopping with you and I’m sorry but--“

“It’s alright, Peeta. I understand,” she says patiently as she stands on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek. I tilt her chin and kiss her lips, feeling my tension leave me if   
only for a moment.

“I won’t close late. So I’ll be home for dinner.”

“I thought we could carry out our surprise on Friday. That’s two days from now and I already talked to the woman in charge. Think you could get off work?”

“I can make that work. I’m sorry I can’t go with you today.”

“It’s ok. I’ll see you at home.” She winds her arms around me and kisses me and I hold her for a moment before I remember my responsibilities outside the office. I walk her to the front of the bakery, where we ignore the crooning guests and I kiss her goodbye before she hurries toward town. I turn back to the long line of customers and sigh heavily as I run back into the kitchen to help get everything in order.

~~__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

When I wake up on Friday I feel giddy and just generally in a good mood. I wake up Peeta with kisses and strokes and my smile only widens when he cries out my name, his voice still husky from sleep. We hurriedly shower together and get dressed.  
Haymitch is waiting for us downstairs and I am surprised to see him up so early.

“Haymitch, what are you doing here?”

“You don’t think I’d miss this, do you?” I had told him about our surprise and he’d only smiled. I knew the old man had a soft spot in his heart. I guess we both do, for that matter. They help me load the cart with the many bags I had brought home the other day, and we make our way toward town.

As we approach the orphanage, Peeta jumps out of the wagon and grabs one of the bags, hurrying in the opposite direction. Haymitch and I climb down from the wagon and I smile at the woman who comes out to greet us.

Helga Wallenthall and I have become good friends since I have started to hunt for the orphanage. After the war, the home was shut down and completely rebuilt. Unfortunately due to bombing, there was even more cause for it. But it was one of the things Paylor helped me with and I made it my priority to see the home finished and staffed with kind people. I remember how terrible the conditions had once been and I am happy to say I see these children with smiles and food rather than bruises and empty stomachs.

Times are truly changing. And I love to go over there while Peeta is at work and help with the kids.  
Helga hugs me and I introduce her to Haymitch. She nods politely and checks her watch.

“You’re right on time. Everyone should be going to breakfast now.”

“Great. We’ll go in with you and say hi to the kids.” She leads us inside and helps us with the bags. We leave them in the entrance and Helga leads us to the dining hall.

I hear my name as several little bundles of energy run up and hug me. I smile as I return their hugs and tousle the little golden curls at my knees. I’m particularly fond of Lara and she of me; she’s from the Merchant class and lost her parents in the bombing. Her twelve-year old brother tried to take care of her but he couldn’t afford to keep them both alive and he’s left her here until he can make enough money to come get her. She’s a complete sweetheart and I see so much of Peeta in her round blue eyes. 

“Kitty-Kat, you’ve come to play,” she squeals and I have to smile. Haymitch looks amused.

“Kitty-Kat?” I shrug. Lara has called me that since the day I met her and as many times as I tell her my real name, she prefers to call me Kitty-Kat. I find that I don’t mind so much. 

“What’s for breakfast, Lara?”

“Porridge,” she says with a wrinkled nose. I laugh and hand her a muffin from the bakery. She squeals and stuffs it into her mouth and I giggle as she climbs up into my lap. Haymitch is sitting across from me and has two little boys trying to climb into his lap. I laugh at the sight of it. 

We hear the front door open and heavy footsteps in the entrance hall. Helga catches my eye and grins and I wait with baited breath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho,” comes a deep voice. The children all gasp and look confused and one of the older kids cocks his head.

“That sounds like…Santa!” Right on cue, a figure in red emerges from the entrance, dragging a huge red bag behind him. He has white hair that is covered by a red hat, and a long white beard. He stomps around in black boots and he keeps one hand on his thick belt. When he catches my eye, I suck in a breath at the intensely blue orbs that seem to be gazing into my soul. 

The children all seem lost and confused. Helga jumps to her feet and claps her hands.

“My goodness, children! Do you all know who this is?”

“Santa?” 

“It’s Santa Clause!” 

“Kitty-Kat,” Lara whispers. “Who is Santa?”

“He’s a wonderful man, Lara,” I tell her. “He flies around the word, delivering presents. Would you like to meet him?” She nods shyly and I take her hand. Helga has brought a chair for Santa to sit in and he smiles at Lara and me. 

“Well hello, Lara,” he says in a deep voice and Lara gasps. He chuckles and pats his lap in invitation. She doesn’t hesitate to climb up on his knee and she looks up at him. His blue eyes sparkle as he looks down at her.

“Well now little one. Tell me. What would you like for Christmas?” Lara looks at me and I nod in encouragement. She starts listing several things that she would like and Santa chuckles. 

“Katniss, be a dear and open that bag for me. The gift on the top should have Lara’s name on it.” She gasps again as I bend down to open the bag. There’s a beautiful china doll with dark hair and a blue dress right on top. I hand it to him and he presents it to her. Her eyes well with tears as she squeezes the doll to her chest and I have to wipe a tear away quickly. She flings her arms around him and thanks him, before she scurries to me and thanks me too. 

Helga starts lining the children up and I stand aside to help Santa pass out gifts. Haymitch even comes over to help. Lots of children still don’t really know the story of Santa but they know he has brought gifts and that’s all that matters to some of them. Others tell Helga they have always heard the story and why did he stay away for so long? Helga quickly saves him by telling them that times have finally changed and Santa has finally returned to Panem.

I can’t describe the joy I am feeling when the last child jumps off of Santa’s lap and the bag is empty. Santa rises to his feet and taps his belly.

“I need to get going. Lots more children to see. Merry Christmas, dear ones!”

“Merry Christmas, Santa,” they all call back. I quickly say my goodbyes to Helga and I follow him out, with Haymitch right behind us.

Outside, we toss the bag into the cart and climb up on the seat. He picks me up and sets me on his lap and I wrap my arms around his neck.

“I never found out what you want for Christmas,” he says in that deep voice of his.

“You are all I could ever want, Santa,” I say softly, causing him to smile.

“Oh, please let us get home before you start all that mushy shit,” Haymitch says as he clicks the reigns.

“Admit it, Haymitch. You enjoyed yourself.”

“I did. You two definitely made a difference with this little surprise.” We fall into silence as we ride back home. Haymitch says he is going to take a nap and he will see us later. We carry the empty gift bag into the house and as soon as the door is closed, he’s spun me around in his arms. 

“We’re standing under the mistletoe, Santa,” I giggle.

“Yes we are, Mrs. Mellark. You don’t think your husband will mind if I steal a kiss from you?” 

“I won’t tell him if you won’t.” He raises a brow and I feel his hand drift lower on my thigh. I laugh as he tries to kiss me with the beard and I reach up and yank it off. The hat and white hair comes off too and I wind my fingers around his golden locks. His blue eyes gaze into mine and he leans in to kiss me deeply. 

“God I love you.” 

“I love you, Peeta. Thank you for doing that. It was…well, it was just beautiful to watch.” He smiles as he unbuttons the heavy suit. I help him with the boots and he kicks them aside. The padding he has used to make his slender frame look much plumper falls to the floor, and I stuff it in the closet with the boots. He pulls off the coat and sash and is left in the red trousers. He steps out of them and straightens up in his green boxers and his white t-shirt. We head towards the bedroom and I carry the suit into the closet, hanging them up carefully. Peeta pulls out a pair of pants and pulls them on before taking my hand and pulling me toward him.

“That was a beautiful surprise. Did you make the suit by yourself?”

“Sae and her granddaughter helped. George sent me the beard and wig from the Capitol. I just thought it would be so wonderful for the children to have a real Christmas. So much tragedy in their short lives and not many of them have known any real happiness. I saw every one of them smile today. You did that.”

“It wasn’t just me. It was all your idea and the gifts were great. You are going to make the best mother one day.” I tense up and he freezes. He bites his lip and looks anxious.

“I…Katniss, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean--“

“It’s…it’s ok. Let’s um…let’s go make some lunch?” He nods and tentatively reaches for my hand. I kiss his palm and he relaxes. After I change into some more comfortable clothes, we head down to the kitchen together and make some sandwiches and soup. Peeta watches me over the rim of his cup and I just chew silently.   
He knows I’m thinking and he probably knows what I’m thinking about.  
A mother. I still tense up at the word and yet, today, I could actually imagine watching my own children visit with Santa. I feel such joy when I’m around those kids, especially Lara. Would it be the same if I had one of my own? Or would I just be racked with worry the entire time? I know how much Peeta wants them someday.  
Maybe someday I’ll change my mind. Just not today.

When we finish eating, he takes my hand and leads me into the living room. He turns on all the Christmas lights and then gets a fire going. We curl up on the couch and he pulls his Christmas book out, as I lay over his lap. He reads several stories aloud. First, ‘the Gift of the Magi’, about a couple who buys each other gifts for Christmas that actually wind up being useless because they have sold the other part of the gift. Next he reads ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’, followed by ‘Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause’.

I relax as I listen to him read. I love his deep voice, the way he so eloquently speaks, and the way he can paint a picture with his words. I feel my eyes growing heavy as I lean into him and his voice brings me comfort and peace.   
I wake up to the feeling of being carried and I blink up at him.

“I can walk, you know,” I say tiredly and he smiles down at me.

“I know,” is all he says but he continues to carry me into the bedroom. He gently sets me on the bed and climbs in behind me. He pulls me against his chest and he kisses my hair as I feel myself relax and fall asleep again.


	43. Chapter 43

I decide to close the bakery really early on Christmas Day and all my employees seem happy about this. I wish them all a merry Christmas and send them home with a loaf of bread that I baked myself and a bag full of pastries. Delly leans in to kiss my cheek and tells me I’m wonderful. I flush and shake my head.

“If anyone would like to come over for Christmas dinner, Katniss and I would love to have you. We’ll be eating around 6.”

“That sounds lovely, Peeta, thank you,” Cora says with a smile as Dane helps her with her coat. 

“I’m sure my mom would appreciate it…” Rory begins, before he trails off and bites his lip. I know Hazelle has been having a rough time with the cold winter and keeping her children fed. Rory working here definitely helps and Vick is trying to find work, though I still think he’s a little young. Apparently Gale has been sending money and Hazelle is refusing it. I don’t know all the details but I know Rory is just frustrated with his family in general.

“I don’t agree with Gale leaving again but I appreciate that he is sending us money and mom just needs to accept it and stop being so stubborn,” he told me in a huff one day. 

I clap him on the shoulder and smile.

“Bring your whole family, Rory. Katniss has something special for Posy.” Rory smiles at this.

“We’ll be there. Thanks, Peeta. And thank Katniss too.” 

We all say goodbye and I start home. The bitterly cold air bites me as I walk but my bad leg, in particular, is throbbing. By the time I make it to Victor’s Village, my teeth are clenched in pain. Haymitch waves to me (or lifts his flask, more like) from his porch and I wonder how the hell he can sit outside in just a t-shirt and shorts.   
Crazy old man.

I stomp off the snow before I make my way inside and immediately sigh at the warmth of the house. Katniss would never allow herself to be called a housewife but she does an amazing job with keeping the house cozy while I’m gone. I love coming home to a roaring fire in the fireplace and my wife presenting me with hot chocolate.   
I hang up my things and pull off my boots as I call her name. She comes around the corner, looking flushed and slightly harried.

“Hey. You’re home early.”

“Yeah. I decided to close early and give my employees the day off. I invited everyone to dinner, like you said.” She nods and bites her lip.

“I was just, um…I was just going over to the orphanage for a little bit.” I nod.

“Ok.”

“Do you, um…want to join me?” I look at her quickly to make sure I’ve heard her correctly. She’s never asked me to go to the orphanage with her before. Aside from our surprise last week, I have never stepped foot inside the building. I only knew about Lara because Katniss talks about her all the time. It’s those moments when I have to hope that she will change her mind about children one day. She seems so passionate and so loving when it comes to those kids, I can’t imagine her not having one of her own. 

“I’d love to,” I tell her with a smile and she returns it. 

“Good. I’ll just finish getting dressed.” I nod and pull my scarf and coat from the hanger where I had just hung them up. I’m pulling on my boots when she comes back in. She looks a vision in a bright red coat with her dark hair pulled up on top of her head, and a black scarf wrapped around her neck. I pull her to me and she looks surprised.

“How is it that you can always look so perfect, no matter what you’re wearing?”

“Cause you’re just a sappy romantic who loves me no matter what,” she says teasingly and I smile before I kiss her. 

“You’re correct about that. You ready?” She grasps my hand and we walk back out into the cold. She starts to tug me up the hill but I bite my lip.

“Actually, why don’t we take the cart? It’ll be faster.”

“It’s just a couple of miles up the hill.” I don’t want to tell her how much pain I’m in. I don’t want her to worry. So I nod and follow her up the hill, determined to keep my mind off my leg. 

When we reach the orphanage, Katniss tugs me inside and calls for the woman in charge. A kindly old woman comes around the corner and looks surprised.

“Why Katniss! What a nice surprise. How are you, dear?” She kisses Katniss’s cheek like they do in the Capitol but Katniss only smiles.

“Merry Christmas, Mrs. Berthen! This is my husband, Peeta.” I shake her hand and try to ignore how my heart flutters at hearing those words. I absolutely love to call her wife and Mrs. Mellark whenever I can but I don’t hear her talk about me a whole lot. When she introduces me as her husband, I admit, sometimes I look around to see who she’s talking about. I have to remind myself it’s so real and I’m actually with this amazing woman. 

“Peeta, it’s so wonderful to finally meet you. I was rooting for you both, you know. In the Games. I just knew you would bring each other home.” I shift uncomfortably. Katniss is silent but she still has a smile. She’s changed more than I thought. Usually talk of the games makes her angry and quiet. She just shakes her head.

“You’re sweet, Mrs. Berthen. Is Helga around?”

“Oh she should be getting lunch ready. You can go down to the kitchens, if you like. I know you know the way.”

“Thank you.” She takes my hand again and I follow her down the long hallways. 

She leads me into a giant kitchen and calls out Helga’s name. I glance to the side and suck in a breath as I see two of my family’s ovens against the wall. She had asked my permission of course and I agreed that I only needed one and the rest of them should be new. She had this great idea to fix them up and donate them to the orphanage, since they were so old anyway. But seeing them in a different building was a bit of a shock.

“Peeta?” I shake myself and blink. Katniss is watching me warily and I know she must have been calling my name.

“Sorry. In a daze. You must be Helga. I’m Peeta.” I shake the woman’s hand and she grins. I also notice she’s blushing, which I’m baffled about.

“I know. I’ve heard so much about you. It’s such an honor to finally meet you.” She giggles and Katniss gives her a strange look. Clearing my throat, I look around.

“You have, uh, a really nice place here.”

“Yes, well we have Katniss to thank for that! After the war, it was in terrible conditions even though it mostly survived the bombing. Katniss asked President Paylor to rebuild and she petitioned to have registered nurses on staff, in case anything happened. We also added a playground and an extra bathroom. Everything you see is all her doing.” I’d known that Katniss was responsible for the rebuilding but I hadn’t realized just how much that meant. This woman is just too good. I pull her to me and kiss her hair, forcing myself to show a little decorum in front of other people. Katniss blushes but is smiling so I know she’s pleased. 

“Can we do anything to help with lunch?”

“Oh no sweetie, I’ve got it covered,” Helga says while waving a hand. “You can join us if you like. We’re having burgers with macaroni and cheese.” Katniss and I tried macaroni and cheese when we were in 11. It was good but it’s considered a peasant food. I guess I’m not surprised that 12 still isn’t eating Capitol food, which I’m not too disappointed about. 

“So they’re in the dining hall?”

“Most are. We haven’t made the announcement yet.” Katniss nods and takes my hand again. I follow her into the dining hall where a bunch of the younger kids are already waiting for their meal. I smile around at them, having had them on my lap and heard their greatest Christmas wishes. I still can’t believe Katniss put all of that together. I know she had help but when she told me of her plan, it struck me just amazing she was. Is.   
I squeeze her hand and she turns her head to smile at me.

“Kitty-Kat!” I hear a little voice yell and hear Katniss giggle. I’ve only heard her laugh like this a few times in my life and I love it when she does. She releases my hand and scoops up the little girl into her arms.

“Merry Christmas, Lara!”

“Merry Christmas! I was hoping you would come back! Do you want to see what Santa brought me?” She catches my eye and grins as she nods her head.

“Show me.” She runs back to her seat and brings back the doll we gave her. 

“Isn’t she beautiful?” 

“My goodness, Lara, she is! You have to take really good care of her, alright?”

“I will! I’m her mommy! I won’t let anything happen to her.” Katniss looks surprised and I swear I see tears in her eyes. I put my hand on her back and she jumps slightly.

“Kitty-Kat. Who’s that?” I notice Lara looking at me, her doll up in front of her face as if she’s hiding.

“Lara this is Peeta. He helped Santa make all those special toys you all got the other day.” Lara lowers her doll and stares at me with wide blue eyes.

“You know Santa?” I have to smile. This kid is too precious. I kneel in front of her.

“I do, Lara. He told me what a good girl you’ve been. Do you like your doll?”

“I love her,” she says in a whisper. “Thank him for me, ok? Next time you see him?”

“I will,” I assure her. She nods and climbs into Katniss’s lap. She laughs as she has to stretch her legs in front of her on the floor and I hear an older kid offer her a chair. She smiles and waves it aside.

“Kitty-Kat, is Peeta your boyfriend?” Katniss and I both laugh.

“He’s my husband, Lara. We just got married last month.”

“You did,” she gushes. “What did your dress look like? Did he give you a ring?” Katniss throws her head back and laughs. It’s both amazing and painful to watch this right now. All I can see is Katniss laughing with our daughter. And the fact that Lara looks a lot like me…well, it doesn’t really help things. Katniss holds out her hand and Lara squeals and grabs her fingers.

“It’s so pretty!” She looks up at me and turns very serious. “Don’t hurt my Kitty-Kat, Peeta.” 

“I promise I will take very good care of your Kitty-Kat,” I tell her with a straight face. Katniss grins over Lara’s shoulder and I wink at her. Lara reminds me a lot of Prim and I wonder if Katniss thinks the same. She has to see the similarities too. I wonder if Lara is Merchant. Or if one of her parents was Merchant, like Prim’s.  
I hear a bell and the call for lunch and Katniss struggles to her feet. I help her up and we see Helga and a few other ladies with trays of plates. 

“Ok children, everyone in your seats. Manners,” she adds reminding us of Effie. Katniss giggles in my ear and we go to see if we can help them pass out food. 

When I reach Lara’s table, I pass them their plates and see more than a few kids staring at me in shock. I wonder who they recognize…Peeta Mellark, the Victor, or Santa Clause? I’d rather it be Santa, to be honest. These kids are too young to think about the Hunger Games. It just reminds me, again, what exactly Katniss and I sacrificed everything for. These innocent souls won’t have to know the horror of a reaping.   
I smile as I pass Lara her plate and she stands up in her chair to hug me. She sits back down and turns to the girl beside her.

“Mr. Peeta is really nice,” she says loudly. I grin and shake my head as I continue handing out plates. When my tray is empty, I return to the kitchen and Helga takes it from me.

“Oh Peeta, you’re so wonderful to help out like this.”

“I know it means a lot to Katniss. Plus its great to see the district’s kids like this. Happy and actually living rather than…well, how they used to live.” She nods and touches my arm.

“I can’t imagine…what all you’ve been through…I was always hoping you would win.”

“Thanks,” I say uncomfortably, shaking myself from her grasp. Katniss would be furious and heartbroken if she saw her friend flirting with me. And she comes into the room not even a second later. She wipes her brow and I know she didn’t see anything.

“Only one table without food.”

“I’ll take care of it,” I volunteer immediately, grabbing another tray and heading out. Katniss’s hand brushes against my arm as I leave and I have to wonder if maybe she did see something. 

We decide to leave while the kids are eating so Katniss says a quick goodbye to Lara (who stands up to hug me again) and Helga makes a quick announcement for everyone to say goodbye to both of us. Katniss waves and leads me back toward the front door. She chatters happily about the orphanage and the children as we make our way back towards Victor’s Village. 

 

Katniss notices how prominent my limp is as we are making our way into the house and she orders me into the bathtub. I’m reluctant because I know I need to help her with dinner but the pain in my leg makes me agree. She follows me into the bathroom and lights a few candles, kissing me quickly before I slide into the tub. 

While I soak, I feel the heat make the pain fade and I sigh deeply. I get up quickly, rubbing some salve into my aching stump, before I hurriedly dress and go downstairs to help with dinner.

Around a quarter to six, people start arriving and each one compliments us on how beautiful the house looks. I look at my wife, proudly, and assure them it’s all her. She blushes pink but looks pleased. 

Our first Christmas dinner is a wonderful success and something to be remembered. A bottle of wine is brought out and we each have a glass, except for Vick and Posy of course. When dinner is over, Katniss presents the Hawthorne children with stockings filled with candy and fresh fruit and little toys for Posy. Hazelle’s eyes well with tears as she hugs her close.

“You are just the sweetest, Katniss,” I overhear her say. “Peeta is lucky to have you.”

“I’m the lucky one, I promise you,” she says in response and my smile grows even bigger. When Hazelle turns away, I grab Katniss and yank her to my side. She smiles up at me and kisses me softly. 

We exchange gifts and sip hot chocolate before Hazelle says it’s time to leave. She thanks both of us and Posy gives us a tight hug. Vick still looks pretty tight-lipped when he talks to me but he shakes my hand and thanks me for my hospitality. 

“I’m kind of surprised Gale didn’t come home for Christmas,” Katniss says to Hazelle uncertainly. Hazelle shakes her head.

“He’s spending it with his girl’s family.” Katniss looks surprised and I watch her out of the corner of my eye.

“Oh! That’s um…that’s really great.” Hazelle nods.

“He seems happy in 2, so I’m not going to drag him back here. Vick wants to go join him but he’s still too young. Gale told him he can come with him and Rory got angry with Gale. They haven’t spoken since.” 

“Both Hawthorne boys are just hotheaded. I’m sure they will come around, Hazelle,” I hear Katniss say softly. Hazelle nods and hugs her again.

“Merry Christmas, Katniss.” We wave them off and Cora and Dane are not far behind them. Riley and Jana and Delly and her brother are next, with Haymitch and Effie last. I nudge Katniss as I notice Haymitch’s hand firmly planted on Effie’s waist and her eyes widen. I hide a smile as I hug them both goodbye and wish them a merry Christmas.

After they’re gone, Katniss turns back to me and her jaw drops.

“Haymitch and Effie?!” I chuckle in response.

“I don’t think it’s that unheard of. They’ve always had some sort of chemistry.”

“Yeah, they hate each other.”

“Hate is a strong word. And maybe it’s just untapped attraction. It would be great for them to get together. Both of them are pretty lonely.” She wraps herself in my arms and rests her cheek against my chest. 

“Did you have a good Christmas,” she asks tiredly. I kiss the top of her head.

“Our first Christmas as husband and wife. It was the best,” I tell her honestly. 

“I have one more gift for you.” I pull her back and stare at her.

“Katniss, you’ve already given me more than enough!”

“Well, it’s just one more,” she shrugs. She leads me upstairs to my painting studio and gently pushes me in.

“Merry Christmas,” she says softly. My knees are about to buckle.

My painting station, that is, my easel and all my palettes, have been completely transformed. She’s bought me a beautiful wooden art station with an elaborate easel and lots of drawers and space for my paints and brushes. There’s several wooden canisters to hold the brushes and pencils and on the floor, there’s a couple of elegant frames so I can frame my next pieces. I scoop her into my arms and whirl her around, accidentally hitting her foot on the door. I drop her, both of us giggling like mad. 

“Katniss, this is wonderful. Thank you so much!”

“I’m so glad you like it,” she breathes against my lips. I run my fingers through her dark tresses and press up against her. She lets out a little moan when she feels my want for her and she hitches a leg around my waist, bringing our centers closer and making both of us moan. I sweep her off her feet and carry her into the bedroom. 

While she changes for bed, I light a few candles and dim the lights. She comes out of the bathroom in a silk robe, which I immediately learn is hiding only her skin. The way the flesh looks in the light of the fire makes me shiver. We quickly work on my clothes and I lower her to the sheets. 

Afterwards, we’re both panting and she has tiny droplets of sweat dripping down her neck onto her breasts. They look like tiny diamonds decorating her body and I lean in close to kiss her. 

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I breathe softly.

“Too many things,” she tells me. “How happy you make me, how incredible I feel, here with you. How I wish Prim and my dad and Finnick and Cinna and so many others could be here to see us, now. How scared I am that this will all disappear if I blink my eyes. Just…too many thoughts running through my mind.” I take her hand and kiss her palm.

“I love you,” I tell her and the room is quiet for a moment.

“I love you too, Peeta,” she finally says and she snuggles up to me. “More than I ever thought possible. I didn’t know I could love someone so much. Especially after losing the one person I loved above all else. I didn’t think I could ever love again. You made me live again. You brought love back into my heart.” I cup her cheeks and kiss her slowly and softly and we make love again, gently, gazing into each other’s eyes. 

We lie awake, talking, our hearts beating too fast to try to sleep. Her fingers curl around mine and she stretches, tossing her head back and making me want her again. She leans over to kiss me before she jumps to her feet and runs to the bathroom.   
I wait for her to come back and finally, I hear the bathroom door again. She’s washed herself off and changed into a silk camisole and a pair of lace panties that don’t really hide much (not that I’m complaining or anything). I raise my head up to see why she’s frozen in the middle of the room.

She’s staring into the long mirror I have behind my door. I see her hand come up to touch her face, then trail down her chest to her scarred thighs. I watch her bite her lip as she seems to examine her own body for the first time. Very slowly, I move from the bed and walk up behind her. She looks up and her eyes meet mine in the mirror. I wrap both arms around her, one hand palming her breast while the other rests on her hip. I softly kiss her neck and move her hair to one side so I can lick a trail from her neck to her shoulder. Both my hands slip under her shirt and lift it high so I can see her breasts. I palm them gently, weighing them in my hand. I see her bite her lip when I tweak her nipple and I watch how they harden under my touch. The light catches my wedding ring as I trail my hand down her slender stomach and stop at her panty line. Her breath hitches as my hand moves slower and slower, disappearing into her panties and merely resting above her center. She tries to look away so I remove my hand from her breast. Her eyes fly back to mine and I hold her gaze as I bring my hand back to her mound. No words are needed right now. I silently tell her to watch us while the hand in her underwear drifts even lower. My eyes lock on my hand in the mirror, how it looks as I rub against her. I swirl my fingers around her clit before I slowly push them inside her and hear her gasp loudly. She bucks her hips, aiming for more. So I give it to her. I pull her panties down her legs and she kicks them aside. Watching us in the mirror, my fingers disappear inside her and she pushes back against my hardened desire. My fingers increase in pace and I watch her reflection shudder and pant. 

This has to be the most erotic thing we have ever done. I watch her as she flies apart, my eyes never leaving her reflection’s flushed face. She tries to turn toward me but I shake my head and keep her still. I fling her cami aside so my fingers can rake across her flesh completely and she reaches back and her nails scratch lightly across my thighs. I bend my knees slightly so I can push into her, finding it so easy to enter her, and I hold her hips steady while I find my rhythm.   
Her eyes find mine as I take her slowly. She brings one of my hands back down to her wet folds and my fingers circle her clit. She reaches up and grabs a fistful of my hair, tilting her head back so that our cheeks are touching. Our eyes never stray. She watches me and I watch her as we move together. This spell that we’re under never breaks. 

When I feel her clench around me and I’m gasping my release, I wrap my arms around her stomach and hold her against my chest. She closes her eyes for a moment and I kiss her cheek. When she opens her eyes again, her reflection smiles and she shakes her head.

“What just happened?”

“I made you see how perfect this is,” I say lightly. “How you hold the power to make me come undone. How perfectly we move together. I made you see how beautiful you really are.” She turns and I let her, accepting her kisses as she claims my lips as her own. I pull her back to the bed and fall back down, bringing her with me. I pull the sheets over us and in minutes, we are lost in our dreams. 

 

I’m awoken by a stabbing pain in my leg and I accidentally cry out. Katniss is awake and sitting up, watching me with concern etched all over her face.

“What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know, I just…my leg really hurts,” I wince as it happens again and I fling the covers aside, not caring at all about my current state of dress. She moves to the side and pulls what’s left of my leg into her lap. Her fingers make gentle patterns over the skin and she frowns.

“It’s really red and swollen, Peeta. Has this been bothering you for long?”

“I noticed a little pain yesterday but I didn’t think anything of it,” I squeeze my eyes shut, as the pain just seems to be getting worse. Katniss jumps out of the bed and when she comes back, I see she is holding the jar of healing salve from the Capitol.

“Let’s put a little of this on and see how it feels. You obviously can’t walk around right now which means you need to call into the Bakery.”

“Katniss, I’m the owner. I can’t keep calling in.”

“You have to, Peeta,” she says sternly. “I’ll call them for you.”

“Wait,” but she’s already gone and I hear her going into the study. I huff and lean against the bed, feeling irritated. I reach for my prosthetic but she comes back into the room and yells, “Peeta!”

“What,” I grumble. “I’m not staying in bed all day. There’s too much work to be done.”

“Damn it boy, don’t you run yourself into the ground again,” she says sharply. “Rory says he will open the bakery and Dane will just stay a little later. Don’t worry. Now lay back and let me put some of this on your leg.” 

“Katniss, I’m fine-“

“The look of pain on your face says you are not fine,” she says shrilly. “Now shut up and let me help!” I fall silent as she unscrews the lid and scoops some of the salve onto her fingers. She gently massages it into my skin and I instantly relax. 

“That’s better.” 

“Where does it hurt?” Her voice is softer and almost fearful. I wave my hand over my stump.

“I know it sounds crazy but I feel tingling and shooting pains all over and even…where it used to be.” She looks up at me, bewildered.

“Come again?” I roll my eyes. I sound like an idiot right now.

“Never mind. It just hurts, alright? But that is helping.” I add, much softer. I need to stop snapping at her. She’s my wife and she’s just trying to help. Her fingers work their magic and I feel the pain start to fade. Now it’s just a dull ache. She watches my face as she works.

“Better?”

“Much. It’s not so sharp anymore. Thank you, Katniss.” She nods and puts the jar aside.

“Stay in bed and I’ll make us breakfast.” Before I can protest, she kisses me and grabs a robe as she hurries out of the room. I sigh and relax against the pillows, wincing when I feel the pain in my leg again. 

She comes back up with a tray of food for both of us. She’s made eggs the way I like them and brings up cheesebuns and toast. An apple and a glass of orange juice sits beside the plate and I glance at her.

“I’m not a sick little kid.”

“You’re a stubborn ass, is what you are,” she snaps and I huff. This usually happens when one or both of us is suffering. We take it out on each other. But I don’t want it to reach the level we reached before our wedding. We weren’t talking, we were snapping at each other, and inadvertently, hurting each other. I sigh and reach for her hand.

“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “You’re right, I’m being an ass. Here you are helping me and I am just snapping at you and making things worse. Forgive me?” She nods and squeezes my hand.

“Forgiven. Eat your breakfast. I’m going to shower.” Before she leaves, I kiss her palm and the way her face softens lets me know we are alright. When she leaves, I massage my stump with my knuckles and settle back into the blankets. I guess it’s the cold weather making the pain worse but I haven’t felt this since I first got home from the Capitol. 

I remember that awful conversation Katniss and me had on the train, when she told me her feelings weren’t real, and I had to walk into the station, hand in hand with her. My family came to the station to greet me and Ryean had teased me, calling me Stumpy. Dad had snapped at him, getting really upset but I laughed it off. My brothers asked to see my new leg and I lifted my pants leg, showing them what the Capitol had created. I hated it. I never wanted to be a piece in their games and when they gave me a new leg, it was like they were tagging me as their creation.  
For all intents and purposes, I was already a Capitol mutt. Funny, my worst fear when they started to poison my mind against Katniss was that she was what they said she was: a mutt. And I was essentially already one.

I shake myself and look around the room. My eyes fall on the picture of the two of us from the bakery and I lift it up so I can study it better. The way she is looking at me in the picture- the way her eyes light up with love- can’t be exaggerated. I put it back beside the locket I gave her and I sigh. It hasn’t even been that long since we found each other again but damn it, can’t the world leave us alone and let us just be happy?


	44. Chapter 44

Peeta is restless and getting frustrated and his temper is really thin these days. He has had to call into work the past three days because his leg seems to be getting worse. I tell him to call Aurelius and see what can be done but he says there’s nothing to be done. Or, to quote him, “my leg is fucking gone, Katniss, what more is there to do about it?” 

It hurts that I can’t help him but I honestly don’t know what else to do. Besides calling Aurelius myself and I know that would just anger him even more, if I went behind his back. I know I would be pretty pissed if he were to call Aurelius if I was suffering. Still, I watch my husband sink into a darker mood and I hate it. My ray of sunshine has been conquered by the shadows and I’d do anything to see that smile again. 

We’ve taken to avoiding each other again. I tell him sternly to talk to me and to not let things get bad like they did last time. He agrees but he still finds it difficult to be around me without snapping at me. So he locks himself in his studio. I give him the refuge he seeks and we go to sleep without speaking. I refuse to allow us to drift apart in bed though. I won’t let it get that far this time. Last time nearly destroyed us and we are married now, so I will make sure we stay strong. 

When he wakes up crying because the pain is so bad, I put my foot down. I tell him we are calling Aurelius when it is a decent hour. I run him a hot bath and add some scented bubbles to the water. He insists I join him and he holds me against his chest while his leg is wrapped around my waist. We enjoy the warmth and the peace in the bathroom for as long as we can before we get out and slip back into bed.

When it gets light out, I help Peeta to the study where we can call Aurelius together. The old doctor seems surprised to hear from me. I still talk to him for our sessions but they are much fewer since I married Peeta. 

“Katniss,” he says cheerfully. “Peeta, how are you both doing? How is married life treating you?”

“We’re fine, Doctor Aurelius,” Peeta says in a warmer tone than he has been using.

“Good, good. How can I help you two today?”

“I’m actually calling about my leg,” he says nervously. “I mean, the one…well, you know. I’ve been in a lot of pain and I don’t really understand, how something that isn’t there can hurt so much.” He bites his lip and I sigh.

“Doctor, his leg is very swollen. I’ve been massaging healing salve into it for several days but nothing seems to help. We’re wondering what else we can do.”

“Unfortunately I don’t know a lot about amputations or those types of injuries,” he says uncertainly and I see Peeta’s face fall. “But I do have a good friend who is a physical therapist in the Capitol. Let me give him a call and I will call you both back in a little while.” We thank him and hang up and I help Peeta back into bed. He hides his face in his hands and I hate that he feels so ashamed. I firmly take his hands in mine and tell him I am here for him no matter what.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to help. If anything, he flushes even more and can’t seem to look at me.

And I feel guilty all over again because it’s my fault he lost his leg in the first place.  
It’s a vicious cycle with us.

Peeta is sleeping when the phone rings. I hurry to answer it and Aurelius tells me he’s talked to his friend.

“It sounds as if Peeta is suffering from something known as phantom pain. A lot of times, people who have had amputations feel a sort of sensation that relates to the missing limb. In this case, it is Peeta’s leg.”

“But why is it all of a sudden bothering him?”

“There are a number of reasons. My friend says the most likely is that his prosthetic needs to be refitted and possibly altered. He was 16 when he lost his leg. He has grown a bit and with that growth, his limbs have grown. His prosthetic leg has probably become uncomfortable and sometimes, painful. He says he can recommend an anti-inflammatory medicine to help with the pain but ultimately, he needs to be refitted and possibly even undergo therapy.”

“Ok,” I sigh, wincing at this piece of information. “Alright, is there a physical therapist in 12?”

“Physical therapy is complex and only practiced in certain areas. The Capitol will be his best option.”

“No,” I say immediately. “No, he’s not going back there.”

“Katniss--“

“No!” I’m screaming into the phone. “You’re not taking him back there! Who knows what will happen? He’s bound to suffer a flashback and it may be a really terrible one!”

“Katniss, think about it. He needs help! Now he can try the medicine and hope the pain goes away but I’m afraid it won’t. He needs physical therapy. In the Capitol.” 

Furious, I hang up. I instantly regret it but it doesn’t surprise me that he doesn’t call back. Taking deep, shuddering breaths, I return to our bedroom where my husband is still asleep. I sit on the edge of the bed and stroke his face lovingly. He stirs only slightly and turns his face away. I sigh, hiding my face in my hands. I know Aurelius is right. Peeta needs to get better. And to do that, he has to go the Capitol. The one place that haunts us the most, the place that has the worst memories, the most painful history for both of us. 

And I’m still forbidden from leaving 12.

I can’t go with him to protect him. 

Turning away, I bury my face in my knees and sob openly.


	45. Chapter 45

I’m awoken to the sound of my wife (wife! God I still love that word) sobbing and I don’t even question it as I pull her into my arms. She buries her face in my shirt and I soothe back her hair, kissing her forehead. 

 

“Katniss, what is it?” She doesn’t answer me and her crying continues. I assume she had a nightmare but I don’t know if she has been asleep with me. I try again.

“Nightmare?” She still doesn’t answer. Frustrated, I pull her back and make her look at me.

“Katniss, talk to me.” 

“Aurelius called back,” she says thickly, her voice choked with tears. I frown.

“Ok? And what did he say?”

“He said you need to have your prosthetic refitted. And possibly start some physical therapy.” So why is this upsetting her so much?

“Ok, what’s so bad about that?” She takes forever in answering me and I squeeze her arms, possibly a little harder than I intended. She winces and I push her hair out of her eyes.

“Katniss?”

“You’ll have to go the Capitol to have it done.” 

Oh. Now I understand. She’s terrified for me. For both of us, really. The Capitol doesn’t hold many pleasant memories. It’s where I was tortured day and night, permanently changed, manipulated to hate the person I love most in the world. It’s where she lost her sister, the person she swore to protect for all eternity.   
It’s where we were primped and prepared to go to our deaths.   
No wonder she’s crying hysterically. It will be a hard trip for us. But if we stay together…

I gasp, my eyes shooting open. I understand now. It’s not the fact we have to go the Capitol that is upsetting her.  
It’s the fact that I have to go to the Capitol. And Katniss can’t come with me.  
I’ll be alone. Without her. Surely I’ll slip into a flashback and without her to bring me out of it, I’ll become a violent shell of my former self.   
Shit.   
My arms tighten around her and I bring her into my lap.

“It’s ok,” I murmur, not really believing it myself. “It will be ok.”

“How will it be ok,” she gasps out. “I can’t go with you. You’re leaving me. Again.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I tell her firmly. “I don’t need the therapy. I can…I can deal with it.”

“No Peeta. You’re in pain. And it’s not going to go away. You have to get some help.”

“I’m not leaving you behind.” She sighs heavily.

“I don’t know what other choice we have.” 

We decide to call Aurelius together. She immediately apologizes to him for hanging up on him (I stare at her in shock when I learn this) and he quickly dismisses it.

“I understand your frustration, Katniss. Unfortunately, I don’t know what else to do.”

“Ok, talk to me as my therapist,” I say firmly. “You know our history. You know we don’t do well apart. What other options do you think I can take to get the refitting and the therapy? Options that include Katniss?”

“Even if we could send you elsewhere, Katniss still wouldn’t be able to join you,” his voice is gentle. “You haven’t had a flashback in awhile. You’re married now, you need to be stronger for each other. Katniss can run the bakery for you while you are gone, to keep her mind off things. You won’t be in the Capitol for long. A few days, maybe. A week at most.”

“A week?” Katniss shrieks. “Why do you think we are any stronger now that we are married? How does a ring on my finger make things different?”

“Because you faced many obstacles and overcame many difficulties to get to where you are today,” he says carefully. “You fought for each other and protected each other. Your vows should tell you something is different, Katniss. It means you are in this together, for life. That you won’t give up when things get hard. That Peeta will always return to you, because he loves you.” Katniss gives me a frustrated look.

“How is that any different than before? I knew he loved me before I married him! You’re not making any sense!”

“You told me one day that you never thought you would deserve him. That you would never marry him because you were convinced he would eventually find someone else to make him happier than you could make him. Do you remember that day, Katniss?”

“Yes,” she says through gritted teeth and she can’t seem to look at me.

“Do you? Do you remember what you were doing, prior to my call?”

“Stop it--“ 

“You were packing your things,” he says delicately and my jaw drops. Katniss swallows and turns away. “And you were preparing to run away. Because you thought he was better off without you. Do you remember what you told me?” 

“I said I’d rather him hate me forever, rather than living together, happily, and me seeing how I was wasting his life. His…his chance for a normal life.” 

“Do you still feel that way, Katniss?” I gulp. Maybe there’s a reason we have our calls to Aurelius separately. I watch her, terrified of her answer.

“No,” she finally says. “No, I don’t. Because I believe Peeta when he says I am what he needs to be happy. I believe him when he tells me I am… all he needs.” 

“And that is true for the both of you. You just have to hold onto that belief while you are apart. The bond you two have can’t be broken by a flashback and a few days apart. He will return to you. And Peeta, Katniss will be waiting for you. You’ll both be fine in the end.” I see Katniss leave the room and I sigh and thank him before hanging up. I find her sitting on the edge of our bed, curled up into a ball. I stand in the doorway, watching her.

“When did you…think of leaving?” My voice is hollow and I don’t even recognize it. She doesn’t look up.

“A few weeks before you proposed,” she croaks. “I asked Johanna if she would help me get a train ticket to 7. From there, I’d planned to disappear into 5 or 6 and by the time someone would have come looking for me, I’d be gone. I can survive in the wilderness. I couldn’t be arrested if I couldn’t be found.” 

I can’t believe what I am hearing right now. I can’t even move. 

“But Johanna yelled at me for being stupid. Again. She started to scream and asked me why I didn’t just let you eat those berries, if I was just going to keep doing this to you over and over again.”

Damn Johanna.

“And I started to cry. Because everyone asked me, over and over again, what my true intentions were when I pulled those berries out. And I still don’t know. I just didn’t want to leave the arena without you. I couldn’t. Maybe it was love or maybe it was my stupid selfishness, but I couldn’t do it. So I kept thinking…maybe I was still being selfish. Asking you to stay with me, knowing you could have a better life with someone else. You’d make someone a beautiful husband and a loving father. Then Johanna said…if I left you, and disappeared, I might as well shoot you with one of my arrows before I leave. Because you would never stop searching for me.”

Well, I think that’s true. Although I think if Katniss had made it clear that she did not want to be found, I would have given her space.  
Who am I kidding? No I wouldn’t. I would search every district and beg her to come home. I’m pathetic in the way I love her. The way I need her. I’m incomplete without her and I know that.  
Trouble is, I don’t know if it’s the same with her.   
I open my mouth to speak but she continues talking so I hold in my opinions. 

“When you first came back to me…I had thoughts of killing us both,” she says in that vacant voice. I start. This is news to me too. Why is she just now telling me all of this? 

“I mean…I wouldn’t have done it. I would never have been able to do that to you, even when you asked me to. But I just kept thinking…maybe our chance to be together isn’t in this life but the next. In death, we could be at peace. Together. I couldn’t do it though. All I had to do was look at you while you were sleeping and you looked so beautiful and pristine and…complete. Because you were with me. It was like, when you were in my arms, you were safe. And whole. Nothing bad ever happened to us, and we just fell in love as if it was destiny. I know I can’t live in that mindset and I don’t want to because then I would be forgetting about the sacrifices and the people we love but it helped me at that time.” I finally find the strength to move. Her words have moved me, spurred me into action, and I cross to the bed and kneel in front of her. When she doesn’t look at me, I reach out and cup her chin in my hand.

“And now,” I ask gently. “Now what helps you when you have those thoughts?”

“You’re my husband,” she says softly, blinking up at me with teary eyes. “That’s all I need. Whenever I think about why something happened or am I enough for you, I remember, you married me. After everything we have been through and everything I have put you through, you still think I am worth it. I could never leave you. And I could never give up on you. I’m not worth anything if I’m not with you. You keep me sane and happy and whole. I love you with every fiber of my being and can’t bear to see you in pain. If you need to leave, Aurelius is right, I’ll be waiting right here until you get back.” I move up beside her and pull her into my lap. We rock gently back and forth, her head nestled on my shoulder and her arms wrapped around my neck. 

“I love you Katniss,” I say into her hair. “Do you believe me when I tell you that? Do you understand what it means, for me anyway?” I feel her nod slowly.

“I love you too. Do you believe me when I say it?”

“I do,” I tell her honestly. I remember the first time she said those words to me and I could hardly breathe. They still knock me senseless. And I believe them with my whole heart. I feel her start to drift off and my hold around her tightens, shielding her from the horrors that dare to threaten to tear us apart. 

New Years is a light event for us. We don’t leave the house and we spend most of the day in bed. After I make her scream my name to the empty room, she watches me sketch and then we play cards for awhile. Haymitch comes to check on me briefly but returns to his bottle after wishing us a happy new year.   
We watch the clock together and count down. At this point I can’t really remember what I used to do to celebrate the new year. It was just another year that we had made it past the trials that life dealt us. But this year, I had something to look forward to. Many more years to look forward to.

At midnight, I pull my wife close for a kiss and we ring in the new year lost in each other.

 

Aurelius has arranged my trip to the Capitol. Katniss stands with me at the train station as I grip my ticket in my white fist. I had personally called Paylor to beg her to lift Katniss’s restrictions but she apologized and said it was out of her control. Katniss offered to use her “honeymoon days” as she called them, to come with me but apparently the therapy will be longer than five days. 

I hate the thought of leaving her for that long. I made Haymitch promise to watch over her and asked Rory to keep an eye on her as well. I’ve invited him to bring Posy over to see her, as she seems to really enjoy the little girl’s company. I’ve also asked Katniss to keep an eye on the bakery and make sure everything is ok. I’m planning to call her every night for updates. 

She looks up at me and I see she is fighting tears. I am too for that matter but I attempt to be strong. 

“Come here,” I whisper, pulling her into my arms. She buries her face in my shirt and I hear her inhaling.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” she nods and I run my fingers through her hair. “Just promise me you’ll still be here waiting for me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she says as she pulls back to look at me. “I’ll be right here. Just get better, ok?” I nod.

“Help at the bakery. Visit the orphanage. Go hunt with Rory. Just please don’t be alone.” I don’t need to voice my fears. She understands quite well. When she is alone, she becomes trapped in her dark thoughts and sometimes not even I can reach her. I can’t think of leaving if there is a possibility that will happen to her. She squeezes my hand.

“Aurelius is right. We’re married now and we’re strong. We’ll be ok. And just think of all the sex we’ll be having to make up for lost time,” she adds slyly and my eyes are wider than dinner plates. I shake my head and cup her chin so I can lean down to kiss her. One of those kisses that leaves her breathless and leaning into me.

“Something to look forward to,” I whisper against her lips. She smiles but it is a sad smile. I caress her cheek and kiss her nose.

“I love you, Katniss Mellark.” She closes her eyes for a moment and opens them again, smiling.

“I love you, too. Don’t you dare meet some pretty Capitol girl. My aim doesn’t reach that far.” I grin.

“You know no Capitol girl, or any girl for that matter, could ever compare to you.” We hear the whistle of the train and she sighs.

“Go. Be safe. Call me every night.”

“Of course.” I kiss her one more time before she helps me with my suitcase and the attendant takes it and my ticket. I turn around once more but she is already retreating away from the station. Sighing heavily, I board the train and settle into the empty compartment. Out the window, I see her dark braid slapping against her back as she is running back towards our home. I didn’t miss the tears streaming down her cheeks. I lean against the seat and close my eyes, fighting off my own tears.

She’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. I’ll be back in a week. 

I try to repeat these words to myself as the train pulls out of the station and takes me away from my home and my wife. 

 

An Avox welcomes me to the Capitol and I grip the seat to stay grounded. I immediately think of Darius and Lavinia and my mind is filled with their garbled screams. They chained me to the wall and forced me to watch them mutilate and kill them, just because they knew us.

“Peeta,” I hear a gentle voice and feel a slap on my cheek. I blink and look up into the kindly eyes of my therapist.

“Dr. Aurelius!” 

“Easy now,” he says soothingly. “Take it slowly. How are you feeling?”

“I…I’m better.” He nods and offers me a glass of water. I watch him over the rim of my glass.

“What are you doing here? I thought you still stayed in 13.”

“I do but Haymitch and I discussed it and we didn’t like you being in the Capitol by yourself. He was going to come with you but decided Katniss may need him more.   
We know this will be difficult for you but you have always been the optimistic one. Katniss, however…well, we just want to make sure she doesn’t give in to the darkness again.” I nod, understanding. Katniss is strong but all of her trials have weakened her considerably. Still, I’m grateful that Aurelius is here with me.   
Maybe this won’t be as bad as I thought.

“Here, let me show you to your room.”

I was terrified that they were taking me to the tribute center, where there are too many horrendous memories to name, but instead he takes me to a medical facility in the center of the Capitol. People are smiling and nodding to Aurelius as he leads me down the hall.

“Your bags should already be here,” he says as he pushes the door open. It’s a very nice suite with a huge window that I can look out of. Aurelius admires the view for a moment.

“Would you like to meet your doctor or settle in first?”

“I’ll meet him,” I say as I throw my coat over the bed. I don’t want him to leave me in this room alone any time soon. Though I am anxious to call Katniss, I decide it’s better to go ahead and start this process as soon as possible. He nods and I follow him to the elevator, which we take to the 3rd floor. 

When we step off, we nearly run into a young man with warm brown eyes. He doesn’t look to be much older than Finnick was and he has a kind smile. I relax immediately.

“Why Dr. Aurelius, what a pleasure seeing you!”

“Likewise Izzy,” Dr. Aurelius says with a smile. “Izzy, this is Peeta Mellark.” 

“Of course,” the young man says as he shakes my hand. “Peeta Mellark, what an honor! I’m a huge fan.”

“Thank you…Izzy?”

“My parents,” he laughs. “Called me Icharus. I’ve never forgiven them.” I laugh but admit it’s better than Capitol names like Glimmer or Cashmere or Gloss. 

“It’s great to meet you. Dr. Aurelius speaks highly of you.” Izzy playfully shoves Dr. Aurelius. 

“Don’t listen to him. He doesn’t know anything about medicine unless it comes to psychiatry.”

“Well that makes me feel better,” I mumble and both men laugh.

“Relax Peeta. Izzy Klein is one of the best doctors I know. He specializes in orthopedics, which is the musculoskeletal system. He’s also from 3 and knows a lot about technology. He’s come to the Capitol to learn more about combining the two.”

“You’ll be shocked, Peeta. The advances we have made since the Rebellion! Doctors and Healers from every district can swap and share their secrets now and we have made such advances in technological medicine. Come, let’s find a room where we can be more comfortable.” Aurelius and I follow Izzy down the hall, into an empty white room. At first I shiver at the sight of the white walls. Aurelius senses my panic and he sets a hand on my arm.

“Breathe, Peeta. Deep breaths.” I obey and feel my heart slow down. Izzy watches me curiously.

“That hijacking still gets to him?”

“I expect he will live with these flashbacks for the rest of his life. He’s come very far though and has done a remarkable job with controlling it. He essentially cured himself.”

“It was all Katniss,” I say through clenched teeth and I feel him start next to me.

“Welcome back. Just relax and keep taking deep breaths. Izzy, hand me a glass of water? He just had a flashback not too long ago when he first arrived. I knew being in the Capitol would do this to him.” He pushes a cup of water into my hands and I eagerly drink. When I open my eyes, the two men are staring at me with wide eyes. I sigh.

“I’m ok.”

“Fascinating,” Izzy mutters. “The residual effects tracker-jacker venom has on a person, even after most of it has left his system. Peeta is the only known survivor of hijacking. I wish he would consent to a series of exams so we can understand more.”

“Izzy,” comes Aurelius’s voice sharply, almost warningly. Izzy’s face falls.

“No disrespect meant, Mr. Mellark. As I said, I am a huge fan of yours and was appalled to hear what happened with the Snow regime. I would never treat you like some kind of science project. But understanding it more may help us develop a cure for your flashbacks.”

“I do not think we are here to discuss Peeta’s seizures,” Aurelius says bitterly. “His leg is what is in question here.” I see Izzy swallow and nod.

“Of course. Forgive me, Peeta. Now then, may I have a look at your leg?” I bend down and lift my pant leg up. Izzy gestures for me to set it up on the table I am sitting on and he leans down to inspect it.

“Excellent craftsmanship. From the Capitol, no less. But your leg has grown since this has been fitted and this prosthesis is no longer acceptable. Marco tells me that you are experiencing nerve pain?” I can only shrug.

“I feel…pain where the leg used to be. I know it doesn’t make sense but--“

“It makes lots of sense,” Izzy says delicately. “At least 80 % of patients with some sort of amputation has experienced phantom pain at some point in their lives. It has to do with your nervous system. Since you were a teenager when your accident happened, it would make sense that your prosthesis has to be refitted. You are now 18, correct?” I nod and he looks satisfied. “So you are probably finished growing, or your limbs are at least. You should not have to be refitted for another prosthesis again for quite some time. Indeed, this may be acceptable for the rest of your life. We just have to see how your body responds to it. As for the pain, we have some methods of physical therapy we can try to alleviate the sensations. Would you mind taking off your trousers and your leg for me?” I flush and bite my lip nervously. He grins and claps my shoulder.

“All of Panem has seen more than that, remember?” I gulp. Of course he’s referring to the Games, when Katniss found me on the muddy bank. Even though I was sick and dizzy with fever, I remember her stripping me down to my boxers and bathing me. I had taken my boxers off and she had averted her eyes. I still have to smile at how much she blushed. Hard to believe that now whenever I walk into the room naked, she pounces on me and pushes me down to the bed.   
Izzy notices my grin and he chuckles.

“Just keep thinking of whatever you’re thinking of and we will get through this quickly. I’ll be right back.”

“Do you want me to wait outside,” Aurelius asks. I shrug.

“As Izzy said, it’s nothing people haven’t seen before.”

“I’ll ask him to keep the Games references to a minimum,” he says with a sigh. “He really is a wonderful doctor but he is a tad enthusiastic and he was a very big supporter of you and Katniss.” 

“I like him. He sort of reminds me of Finnick.” Aurelius looks considering and says nothing as I strip down to my underwear and I sit on the table to take my leg off. Izzy returns and has a clipboard with lots of papers.

“Alright Peeta, here is a list of the therapies we are going to do while you are here. I’ve brought you a wheel chair and a walker, whichever you prefer.”

“I don’t need either of them.”

“Well, you’re going to be without your prosthesis for a few days while we work on making you a new one. I can see where the skin is swollen and red. We need to keep it off so it doesn’t get any worse. Can you get around by yourself without one of these to help you?” I look at both contraptions and huff. I once told Katniss I feel like an invalid, stuck having people take care of me. Now I wish she was here because she is the only one I’d be ok with pushing me around in a chair. 

“I’ll try the walker,” I say in a quiet voice. 

“Ok. Why don’t you go on up to your room and relax? Watch some TV, order some dinner. We’ll get started on your therapy first thing in the morning.” He claps my shoulder, shakes Aurelius’s hand, and pushes the wheelchair out of the room. Aurelius rises and gives me a warm smile.

“Why don’t you go call Katniss? You’ll feel better after hearing her voice.” 

“You know me well, Doc.” I stand up and cling to the walker. It’s difficult but I’ve been through worse than this. I make it to the elevator and up to my room and I   
collapse on my bed. 

After ordering some food and turning off the holo, I glance at the clock and bite my lip. It’ll be late in 12 but I need to hear her voice.

“Peeta?” I smile at her sleepy voice and close my eyes as the calm washes over me.

“Hey beautiful. I miss you already.”

“I miss you too. How is the Capitol? Did Aurelius meet you there?”

“You knew he would be here?”

“Haymitch told me after you left that they discussed one of them being there with you, since I couldn’t. Tell Aurelius thank you for me.”

“I will. And yes, he greeted me right after I had a flashback.”

“Oh Peeta.” 

“I’m ok, really. It was a little one and I recovered quickly. It’s just…being back here.”

“I hate this,” she says and I wince when I hear tears in her voice. “I hate you being back there. I hate not being able to help you. I feel so…useless.”

“You’re not useless,” I tell her firmly. “Hearing your voice calms me more than any kind of medicine ever could. Knowing you’re waiting for me to come back helps so   
much. I love you, Katniss.”

“I love you too. Did you meet your physical therapist then?”

“He’s a friend of Aurelius’s actually. His name is Izzy and he kind of reminds me of Finnick.” 

“And he’s going to be able to help you,” she tries to stifle a yawn and I smile.

“Yes. He’s making me a new prosthesis. Now I’m going to let you go to sleep.”

“No! Peeta please, don’t hang up yet,” she cries and my hand stills. “I…I can’t sleep without you beside me. Just…talk to me until I fall asleep.”

“Ok.” I settle under the blankets and prop the phone on my cheek. I hear the sheets rustling and know she is settling in too. 

“I’ll be here when you wake up,” I whisper. 

“I love you, Peeta,” I hear her soft whisper before the line goes silent except for her steady breaths. I close my eyes and imagine her in my arms as her breathing lulls me to sleep.


	46. Chapter 46

“Kitty-Kat, what’s wrong?” I blink and look down into the big blue Merchant eyes that are staring up at me. 

“Hm? I’m so sorry Lara, what did you say?”

“Are you thinking of Mr. Peeta? Do you miss him?” I squeeze my eyes shut. How am I supposed to keep my mind off Peeta when my little distractions keep bringing him up. I smile and gather Lara in my arms.

“Yes I miss him. But right now I’m thinking of those cookies that we are going to bake tonight.” A huge smile crosses her face.

“Yes! Did you bring the heart shape?”

“I sure did,” I say as I nuzzle her nose. She giggles and throws her arms around me, her little doll thumping me in the back. I never see her without the doll that Santa gave her and I smile as I put her down.

“Ok, let’s get started on those cookies then!” 

Lara and the rest of the kids have more dough on them than on the pan but we finally manage to put the cookies into the oven.   
Helga comes to help us as we are frosting the cookies and I feel her watching me.

“Are you ok, Katniss?”

“I’m fine,” I say without looking at her. 

“He’ll be back in two days. You need to get that worried look off your face.”

“I know. I just miss him. But I’m ok. Really,” I add but she doesn’t look convinced.  
Ugh, why am I so transparent? Can everyone see how much I need my husband? It’s been seven days since he left for the Capitol and he tells me his therapy is going well. His therapist surprised him with the most realistic-looking prosthetic leg he has ever seen and he sounds so excited about it.

“I’m telling you, Katniss, you won’t even be able to tell the difference! I actually look like I have two legs again!”   
I laughed and told him I love him I love him no matter what. Still, he seems pretty ecstatic and it sounds like the therapy is helping with his pain.  
I have dinner at the orphanage that night and don’t return to Victor’s Village until well past dark. Buttercup is yowling at me for food and I throw him some squirrel meat from the fridge. Lazy cat is too used to Peeta feeding him and he rarely hunts anymore. I glare at the furrball.

“Go find your own food, you mangy cat. You’ve always been a hunter. Don’t change your ways because someone has started to spoil you.” He glares up at me with yellow eyes and he flicks his bushy tail. I roll my eyes and go up to my room to get ready for bed. I have the phone next to me in bed, waiting for Peeta’s call. 

I suddenly find myself back in the Arena. When I turn, I smack right into a force field and am flung backwards. I claw at the invisible walls, screaming for Peeta.  
That’s when I hear him screaming for me.

“Katniss! Katniss help me please!” 

“Peeta!” I whirl around place, searching for him. His voice rings in my ears as if he is standing right next to me. But there’s no one there. Not Finnick or Johanna…

“Katniss! Katniss, please!” He lets out a pained scream and I shudder to think what they might be doing to him. Tears are blinding me as I run around the force field, searching for him.

“Peeta, where are you?”

“No! No, please! Katniss, please! Help me!”

“Peeta! Peeta, where are you? PEETA!” 

A phone starts to ring and my head jerks around. What is a phone doing in the arena? I still hear Peeta’s cries for help in my head as I fumble around for the phone.  
I can’t breathe as I hold the phone to my ear.

“Katniss?” His voice sounds different. Calmer and definitely not in pain. “Katniss, breathe sweetheart! Breathe. I’m right here. Imagine my arms wrapping around you. Holding you close. Katniss, what is my favorite color?”

“Orange,” I mumble.

“And yours is green. You’re 18 years old. Your name is Katniss Mellark. You married me, Peeta Mellark. What does my wedding ring say? What word is on the ring that you gave me?”

“R…real,” I sob. 

“Very good. Take deep breaths. In. Out. Good job. Katniss, where do we live?”

“In District 12,” I say clearly, finally feeling the fuzziness start to fade. I focus on his soothing voice and I blink. “In Victor’s Village. It was once your house but now it’s our house.”

“Mmhmm,” he says into the phone. “And what did I paint on my bakery sign when we first reopened it?”

“A fire and…a loaf of bread.” 

“Good. Very good. How do you feel?”

“Better.” I hear his sigh of relief and I sigh deeply.

“I’m sorry if I scared you.”

“I just...panicked for a moment. I can’t comfort you from here. I’m helpless, stuck here in the Capitol.”

“But you calmed me down,” I assure him. “You did help me. I’m fine now. I promise.”

“Ok,” he sighs. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I just…I was just back in the arena. With those jabberjays.” He’s silent and I clench and unclench my fists, as I imagine he is doing.

“I kept hearing your voice in my head but I couldn’t find you. You were screaming for me and I just couldn’t get to you. It’s the same nightmare over and over. Just different forms. Somehow it’s always the same. I’m always trying to get to you, while you’re screaming for me to save you. What a terrible hero I make.”

“Katniss--“

“Did you cry for me, Peeta? In the Capitol? Did you cry for me to come save you?” He’s silent again and I sniffle, feeling fresh tears roll down my cheeks.

“Katniss, I’ve told you time and time again, you can’t do this. You can’t keep going back there. We’ve moved on and we’re doing so well. Don’t dwell on the nightmares. I’ll be home soon, baby, and I won’t leave you again. Ok? Hey. Let’s plan our honeymoon.” I smile weakly at his attempt to cheer me up. He truly is my ray of sunshine.

“Ok,” I sniffle. “When do you want to go?”

“I’m thinking around April may be perfect. Maybe even March. That gives us a few months to plan. Annie gave me a list of the best spots to visit and the perfect places to watch the sunset. It’ll be wonderful.”

“I can’t wait,” I tell him. “I can’t wait for you to be home.”

“I know. Me too. Soon. Very soon. Hey, can you do me a favor?”

“Hm?”

“Could you maybe…well, I was walking through the Capitol today with Aurelius and Izzy, testing out my new leg, and we walked by this retro café with a lounge singer. She was singing and all of a sudden, I just saw and heard you. I got this dazed look on my face and Aurelius chuckled and told Izzy that my wife was a beautiful singer. I agreed with him and when I came back to my room, I just thought of your voice the whole time. Could you maybe sing for me?” I open and close my mouth uncertainly.

“Please,” he adds hopefully. I sigh and rack my brain for something to sing. I choose one of my father’s favorite lullabies. I sing softly and hear him rustling in the blankets. I close my eyes and continue to sing. I rest my head on the pillow and hear him release a deep sigh.

“I love you so much,” he says quietly before he urges me to continue. I sing him to sleep and we fall asleep with the phones between us, as we have these past seven nights. 

 

When I wake up, the sun is high in the sky. Blinking, I grab the phone and hear nothing.

“Peeta? Peeta!” 

“Shit,” I hear from far off and I press the phone harder to my ear.

“I’m sorry, love, I didn’t want to wake you and was just getting ready for therapy.” I sigh with relief.

“It’s ok. I’ll let you go get ready. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah you will. I love you Katniss.”

“Love you too.” We say our goodbyes and I reluctantly put the phone back on the receiver. Sighing, I decide to jump in the shower and go about my day.  
It’s not a bad day, over all. The Bakery is busy and keeps my mind from racing. We now have two new ovens and Rory is pushing in tray after tray after tray of muffins and cupcakes. Delly comes out of the office and gives me a warm smile.

“Katniss I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to see you in here every day. I wish you would come help more often.”

“This is Peeta’s place, not mine,” I say softly. “But I wanted to help while he’s away. He’ll be back tomorrow.” 

“Well, we miss him but I’ll be sad to see you go.”

“I’ll still come help out Delly,” I tell her and she smiles. The girl is all sunshine and there’s never a cloud in her eyes. 

“I need to go over…oh,” the office phone distracts her and she hurries to the back to answer it. She pops her head out of the office and looks concerned.

“Katniss, Peeta needs to speak to you.” I frown, hurrying to the phone. Why is he calling me at the bakery? Why can’t he just wait until our phone call tonight? I take it from her and she closes the door behind her.

“Katniss, please don’t be mad but…I’m not coming home tomorrow.”


	47. Chapter 47

I’ve been walking through the city with Marco, Izzy, and a female doctor named Evangeline Plotz. After fitting me with a state-of-the-art prosthesis that looks just like a real leg, they said I needed exercise and to get a good feel for it. So we have been taking walks every afternoon. Evangeline and Izzy carry clipboards and make notes and I just want to jump up and down with joy. I haven’t had any pain with the new leg and it can basically do everything my other leg can. I’m amazed at how life-like it looks and feels. 

Izzy is really pleased with the results and the therapy has been working wonders. I tell him I don’t want to have to come back here and leave Katniss again so let’s just do anything and everything that needs to be done. He agrees.

This afternoon, we are joined by another female doctor. Her name is Tilde Rhunan and she looks so much like Prim that I freeze in my tracks. Marco’s hand is on my shoulder, steadying me. 

“It’s such an honor to meet you, Mr. Mellark,” she says with a bright smile--I mean bright smile! I have never seen teeth so white and I am a Victor! 

“Thank you. It’s nice to meet you as well.”

“Peeta, Doctor Rhunan and Doctor Plotz are Capitol doctors, who were supporters of the rebellion and the Mockingjay. They specialize in neuroscience.” I look at the two women, baffled. Plotz smiles.

“We study psychiatry and how some things affect the nervous system. And most importantly, the brain. We are very interested to learn about particular fears and what triggers them.” I take a step back, immediately knowing where this is going. I feel Marco’s hand on my shoulder again.

“Peeta--“

“No, you said I wouldn’t be…experimented on.”

“Oh god no! Peeta, we would never,” Plotz steps forward. “We just want to help. Marco has told us you still suffer from flashbacks and are sometimes afraid you will hurt your wife. We have been studying hijacking since the Snow regime fell. You’re not the only victim of it. But other victims are so far gone that we have no way of returning them to their former selves. You are the only one to accomplish this and if you would help us discover how you did it, you could save many lives.”

“I don’t know how I did it,” I say quietly, already feeling a flashback coming on. “I just…did.”

“Ok. Ok Peeta, you don’t have to tell us anything,” Marco says soothingly. I shudder and clench and unclench my fists, wishing for something to hold onto. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Plotz says softly. “I think you are the bravest person in all of Panem, to endure what you endured. And you conquered all of it. I know we were all shocked when we heard you had married the Mockingjay. It means you are living life…well, normally.” I nod. Life is normal.

Except for the flashbacks. But Katniss’s nightmares are the same as my seizures. We deal with them together. 

“If you change your mind, Izzy knows how to reach us. We would love it if you stayed in the Capitol a few more days so we can run some tests. We have reason to believe we can remove the remaining amount of venom from your blood stream!” 

“You know what that means, Peeta? It’s less of a chance for a flashback,” Izzy says softly. Beside me, Marco nods.

“You’ll still have them. But they won’t be extreme. And they might be shorter than they are now. In 13 we learned that the amount of venom that was injected into you was a fatal amount. The Capitol nearly killed you.”

Sometimes I wish they succeeded.

“But the doctors managed to remove some of it. A lot of it, actually. Still, there’s a bit left and we don’t really know how much there is.”

“So you want me to stay here while you run tests on me?”

“Only if you agree to it. We would never do anything you feel uncomfortable with,” Rhunan assures me. I look at the doctors and sigh heavily.

“I have to talk it over with Katniss. I won’t make any decisions without her.”

“Of course,” Marco nods and pats my shoulder. “Let’s return to the facility, shall we? It’s nearly lunch time.” 

Now I’m back in my suite, nervously dialing the home number. When it continues to ring, I remember Katniss said she was going to help at the bakery today. I quickly dial the number and wait, taking a deep breath.

“Mellark Family Bakery. Delly speaking.”

“Delly, hi, it’s Peeta!”

“Peeta! Oh it’s good to hear from you, how are you?”

“I’m well, Delly. Is Katniss around by any chance?”

“Well she is but she’s out front helping customers.”

“I really need to speak with her, Del.” She places me on hold and goes to get Katniss. When she comes to the phone, I take another deep breath.

“Katniss please don’t be mad but…I’m not coming home tomorrow.”

There’s a cold silence and I shiver. 

“Katniss?”

“What do you mean, you’re not coming home? I thought the therapy was finished.”

“There’s um…there’s a new…development.”

“Development?” 

I quickly tell her about the two doctors who are offering to help me with the remaining poison in my system.

“We should at least try it, Katniss. While I’m here. Just think about it. I might not have flashbacks anymore! I won’t have to worry about hurting you ever again. I could be normal!”

“I’m not normal, Peeta,” comes her shaky voice. “Why do you have to be normal? We’re broken together. We’ve put each other back together.”

“Yes we have and this is another way to do it. Sweetheart they might be able to help me! You might not ever have to see Mutt Peeta ever again,” I plead with her. “I can’t bear the thought…I’ve come so close to seriously hurting you, so many times--“

‘That wasn’t you,” she snaps. “It was the poison!”

“Exactly! This could be my chance to get rid of it. Once and for all.”

“Are there risks?” There are and I don’t want to tell Katniss. Evangeline and Marco both explained to me the possibility of slipping into a flashback and not coming out of it. 

“There’s always risks. But the doctors are confident--“

“Peeta. Are. There. Risks?” I swallow.

“Yes. It’s a risky procedure. If I don’t respond well to the detoxification, I could be stuck in my hijacked state.”

“Permanently?”

“Yes but Katniss--“

“That’s a damn huge risk, if you ask me!” 

“Katniss, they’re good doctors. I trust them. Please sweetheart, I need this.”

“How much longer are you talking about staying?”

“Doctor Plotz says she will need at least six days to run the blood work and examine the results.”

“Six days!” I wince. “You’ve been gone more than a week, Peeta! You expect me to be happy about six more days without you?”

“I expect my wife to be supportive about my decision,” I say, a bite to my voice. The line is silent.

“Well I’m sorry. I don’t like it at all. I don’t like you staying there an extra six days. And I don’t like you taking such a huge risk when we have been fine so far.”

“We have not been fine, Katniss,” I say through gritted teeth. “Every time I wake up sweating and dazed, I hurt you. Physically and emotionally. I know I have hit you and kicked you. I can barely keep myself from wrapping my fingers around your throat. Do you know what that’s like, Katniss? To want to kill the one person you love most in this world? To want nothing more than to watch the light leave their eyes? Do you know what it’s like, waking up next to you and feeling happy one second and complete hatred the next? We’re not fine! We will never be fine, unless I get this damn poison out of my system! We will never be happy, until all of this stops!”  
I know I’ve gone too far. The silence on the other line confirms it. I’m breathing heavily and I run my hands through my hair in frustration. She’s still silent and I sigh.

“Katniss--“

“I didn’t know we were so unhappy,” she says in a tiny voice. My breath catches in my throat and I shake my head.

“No, Katniss that’s not what I--“

“I didn’t know life was so terrible for us. We have moved on, we’ve helped each other so much, we’ve even gotten married and…stupid me, I actually thought we were very happy.”

“We are, Katniss, I just--“

“Stay in the Capitol, if that’s what makes you happy Peeta. Have the tests done. Take as much time as you need to be happy again. I’m sorry that your life with me just isn’t what you expected.”

“Katniss!” I hear the click at the end of the line and my heart is hammering in my chest. I quickly redial the number and Delly answers tentatively.

“Delly! Where is she?”

“She’s gone, Peeta.”

“What? Where--“

“She went flying out of here. Rory went to look for her. Do you…um, do you want me to give her a message?”

“Tell her I love her. I love her so much and my life with her is perfect. And tell her I will see her tomorrow.”

“Ok, I’ll…pass on the message. Bye Peeta.” I drop the phone and hide my face in my shaking hands.  
Fuck. I’ve really done it this time. I dial the house phone but of course it just rings and rings. I call Haymitch next, hoping he will go find her and keep an eye on her for me.  
Of course the old drunk lets his phone ring and ring.  
I throw the phone across the room and then pick up the nearest item to me and fling it into the wall. When I have thrown my pillows and clothes across the room, I collapse in a sobbing mess. I clutch my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, remembering her words. 

“Katniss,” I sob, just wishing she could somehow hear me. That she could feel my heart breaking and know how sorry I am.  
How much I love her. Need her. Am lost without her.  
Am happy with her.

“Peeta?” The door opens and Marco’s head pops in. He frowns when he sees the chaos of my room and he slides in, closing the door behind him.

“Peeta, what’s happened?”

“I…I made a terrible mistake with Katniss. I don’t know…if she’ll ever forgive me--“

“Calm down. You don’t want to send yourself into an episode. Slowly tell me what happened.” I quietly recount the phone conversation and when I’m finished, I look up into his eyes to find concern.

“Peeta you need to calm down. Katniss will be fine. All married couples fight.”

“Not like this. You should have heard her voice, Doc. So…broken. I really hurt her.”

“Yes you did. But you were upset and upset people hurt each other. She will forgive you. Deep down, she understands your desire to be normal. But if we “fix you” as Izzy calls it, then what happens when Katniss is still damaged?” I sniffle and frown up at him.

“What does that mean?”

“Exactly what I said. Katniss has always been terrified that no one needs her. After Prim’s death, no one really did.”

“That’s a lie,” I spat. “I always need her.”

“Prim and her mother needed Katniss to survive. For the longest time, Katniss kept her family alive. Then you kept each other alive during the Games. You have said time and time again that you can’t survive without Katniss. She has said the same thing about you. But if you are not as broken as she is, why would you stay with her?”

“Are you insane? I love her. I have always loved her. Broken or not.”

“I am thinking from Katniss’s perspective here, Peeta. Just bear with me. She feels guilty about your leg and your hijacking. She’s convinced both are her fault.”

“Which is ridiculous--“

“And she feels terrible whenever you have to comfort her after a nightmare. She feels incomplete and she doesn’t feel like she is enough for you.” I am stunned. Has she really told him all of this in their sessions? Or is he just that good?!

“You constantly tell her that you are broken together. She doesn’t like your hijacking and she still feels guilty about it but it’s what you two have in common. That you two can help each other through it all. Her nightmares and your seizures have brought you closer. When did you first feel that you were reconnecting with Katniss, after you returned to 12?”

“When I planted the primroses for her,” I answer automatically.

“Is it? You didn’t talk to her for a few days after that. When you did you actually feel a connection? Like she was warming up to you and accepting you again?” I’m silent as my thoughts race.

“The first night I climbed into her bed, when she was having a nightmare. Several weeks after I had found her in the woods, I started hearing her screams coming in my window. I lay awake listening, until I fell asleep and I heard her screams in my nightmares. I couldn’t take it anymore. I slipped into her house one night and held her. She was tangled up in my sheets and blankets and she was sweating. I rocked her back and forth and held her to my chest. She woke up and I told her I would go back to my own house but then she asked me to stay with her, and I remembered that day at her house, when she came home injured and the peacekeepers were waiting for her and I was SO worried. I had carried her up to bed and she asked me to stay with her. And I did. I held her hand the whole time she slept and I hoped Prim didn’t see the tears in my eyes. That night after Katniss’s nightmare, all I could think about was that day. And how relieved I was that it wasn’t lost in the hijacking. And I went back to hold her, every night, until I noticed she wasn’t having them as frequently anymore. But the way she clung to my shirt and nuzzled into my chest, told me things were changing between us.” Aurelius nods.

“Like it or not, her nightmares brought you closer together. And your seizures did the same thing. Katniss loves you deeply. She will never stop loving you. But she fears, if you are free of seizures and she is still stuck with nightmares, you won’t need her anymore. She will be the only damaged one in the relationship and that scares her.”

“Are you sure that’s what she’s feeling? Because that sounds pretty selfish,” I say uncertainly. 

“Then think of it like this. Katniss has never felt like she was enough for you. How many times has she told you to find someone prettier and less scarred? If you are free of your flashbacks, you could indeed find someone else, should you want. You are an attractive, young Victor, who could charm his way into any woman’s heart. Katniss still can’t believe you chose her. And if you are completely ‘normal’, as you call it, then that is even more reason for Katniss to doubt and wonder why you are with her. It is selfish in a way but Katniss doesn’t think like that. She thinks of herself in terms of how is she helping the other person. If she doesn’t think she is helping the other person, then she seeks a way to help them, whether it is a good way or not. She’ll think leaving you is better for you than staying with you.” 

“She wants me to suffer from these flashbacks for the rest of my life?”

“Of course not Peeta. She’s more terrified that the risks are too great and that you will be lost to her. She has cried and pleaded for a way to help you defeat these flashbacks. But she isn’t ready to pay the price and that price is a pretty big risk. These medicines are becoming more and more advanced, Peeta. The Capitol will always be here. It may not be the right time for these tests and that’s ok. Return to your wife and in a few years, you can always come back and try again.” I nod and watch him rise to his feet and start to collect my clothing.

“Doc, you don’t have to--“

“You should get packed quickly, Peeta. You have to catch a train very soon.” He winks at me and I jump to my feet, flinging clothes into my suitcase without even folding them. 

 

I tap my foot impatiently as the train speeds across the country. I’m grateful to Aurelius for getting me on the fastest train there is and I glance up at the clock. It is nearly three in the morning when we pull in to 12. I pay for the bags to be brought to the house in the morning and I hurry towards Victor’s Village. When I enter my house, I shiver at the silence. I freeze in my tracks as I catch sight of a small object on the kitchen table. The pearl glistens in the moonlight.

Katniss’s wedding ring.

My heart hammers as I take the steps two at a time and I burst into the bedroom to find the bed empty. I clutch the doorframe, telling myself to calm down and breathe.

“Ok, where could she be?” I turn and head back downstairs, out the door, and across the lawn to Katniss’s old house. She never locks the door and I walk right in.   
Her house is even more silent and creepy than mine. I stand in the darkness for a moment, looking around. Once my eyes have adjusted, I make my way up the stairs, wincing when the floor creaks under my feet.   
Her bed is empty as well and I force myself to stay calm.   
She has to be around here somewhere.  
It’s too cold outside and she’s not stupid. She wouldn’t have tried to spend the night in the woods.  
Unless…

I shake myself. Rory went after her. He wouldn’t have let her do anything stupid. Maybe she’s at the Hawthorne’s?   
I turn to leave her room and that’s when I notice something strange. Prim’s bedroom door is ajar. 

We have never opened that door. Katniss has avoided it and I’m sure there is a thick coat of dust on everything in that room because it hasn’t been touched since Prim was last here. I have never let her go into that room alone and she has no reason to.

Unless she really thinks I’m just not coming back.  
I push the door open and the stream of light illuminates the room. 

It is neat and tidy, like Prim always was. Her bed is made and not a thing is out of place on her shelves.  
Her closet door is ajar and I frown as I make my way over to it. In the darkness, I make out a shape on the closet floor, and it’s shivering. I drop to my knees and pull the door open even wider so I can reach her. 

The closet is too narrow for me to get into but I crawl as best I can until my hand reaches skin. She’s cold to the touch, almost freezing and she’s clutching a tattered blanket but she isn’t wrapped up in it. 

“Katniss?” She doesn’t stir and I move closer. I don’t know how I manage to get her out of there but it takes every ounce of strength I have in me to get her off the floor. I didn’t become a Victor by chance.   
I take a moment to recollect myself before I hoist her in my arms and carry her out of that frigid house. 

I take her back to our house and carry her up the stairs. I notice she has rested her head on my chest and her breathing has evened out. I carry her into our bedroom and gently set her on the bed. She is wearing an odd array of things. 

A pair of black pants underneath a pretty red cotton dress. She’s wearing one of my white aprons, covered with flour and on top of that, her father’s old hunting jacket. On her hands she wears a pair of nice white gloves that I’m sure once belonged to Prim and around her neck, a knitted green scarf that Prim made her for Christmas. Underneath the scarf, I see the gold locket I gave her glinting in the moonlight. I sigh and start to remove her clothing, as gently as I possibly can. I set the jacket, the scarf, gloves, and the dress on the dresser and decide to dress her in one of my old shirts since I don’t have strength to wrestle her into much else. 

She’s still sleeping soundly when I’ve finished and I sigh as I pull off my pants and climb in behind her. I pick up her hand and gently slide the ring back onto her finger, where it belongs. I kiss her forehead and pull her into my arms. It just feels right as her head positions on my arm and she lets out a little moan. I play with her hair as I close my eyes, the words ‘I love you’ falling from my lips.


	48. Chapter 48

I wake up to warm arms and the thump thump of a steady heartbeat underneath my ear. I frown in my sleep, cursing the world for torturing me. You’re still dreaming.   
He’s not really here.

But then I feel his chest rise and fall and my head shoots up so quickly I knock him in the chin.

“Ouch!” He sits up, rubbing his chin and blinks sleepily at me. I suck in a breath at the sight of those hazy blue eyes trying to focus on me. I sit up and push out of his grasp. He sits up with me and watches me nervously. My eyes flicker downwards to my hand, where my wedding ring glows in the morning sun. I see his eyes follow mine and then we look back at each other. Did he put it back on? He must have. 

I left it on the kitchen table after Rory had dragged me out of the woods. He and Haymitch sat me at the table and lectured me on how much Peeta loves me and how I always blow things way out of proportion. Haymitch took over and Rory left. There was a lot of yelling and it ended with Haymitch telling me I would never deserve him and me yanking my ring off and agreeing with him. I left it on the table and ran back to my house. I went up to Prim’s room and buried myself in the covers and sobbed loud, wracking sobs that shook my entire body. I had lost everyone. Prim, my dad, my mom, Cinna, Finnick, Rue, countless souls in the Games and in the War. 

And now Peeta. 

I carried Prim’s blankets into the closet with me and collapsed in the floor. I didn’t care if no one ever found me. Let them try. No one will think to look for me here. 

But it seems someone did. Someone who can always find me, who will always come after me.   
I stare into his eyes and they seem more clear than they were a second ago. 

“You’re back,” I finally say. It’s the only thing I can think of. He nods.

“Yes.” 

“Why?”

“Because I couldn’t go another moment without telling you how much I love you. How happy you make me.” He takes my hands in his and I resist from pulling away. 

“Katniss, you are what keeps my heart beating and what keeps me breathing. Aside from my survival, you’re my happiness too. The moment you said you would be mine forever, you made me the happiest man alive. I don’t ever want you to doubt that. I just live with guilt everyday over what I have done to you. What I could potentially do to you again. I saw an opportunity to keep it from happening and I took it, without thinking of the consequences. I shouldn’t have made a decision without you. You’re my wife and my partner and we make decisions together. I’m sorry.” He’s rubbing my knuckles with his thumb and he leans toward me, pleading. His hair is mussed from sleep and I have to keep myself from reaching up to flatten his curls. I pull my hands away and rub my own arms. His gaze is boring into me and I stare down at the blankets. I notice I’m wearing one of his old shirts and it smells like him. It brings tears to my eyes. 

“You hurt me,” I finally tell him. I see him nod and I look back up at him. Tears are welling in his eyes.

“I know.” I look back down and play with my ring. He glances down and hangs his head.

“You said you would never take it off.” His voice is soft and vulnerable. It tears my heart in two.

“Haymitch told me I would never deserve you. I agree with him. This should be on someone else’s finger.” He yanks my hands forward and my eyes snap up to his. They are blazing with anger and love. 

“It will be on your finger or no one’s. Forget Haymitch. He’s an old drunkard who has forgotten what love is. He doesn’t understand that we would die without one another.” 

“I think he understands that just fine. But he also knows you are too good for me.”

“Stop it,” he says sharply. “We’re just right for each other. And that’s all we need to be. I’m yours and you’re mine. Anything else is unthinkable.” I look up at him quickly, shocked at his words. I remember thinking those same words so long ago, but with someone else. How much has changed, how wrong I was. How could it take me so long to realize that I need Peeta like I need air? And that he may just need me just as much.

Peeta is right. Anything else is unthinkable. 

I squeeze his hands and slump my shoulders. Peeta recognizes my defeat and he pulls me forward, wrapping me in his strong arms. He kisses my forehead and I close my eyes at the feel of his lips. I tilt my face upwards, inviting him to kiss me elsewhere. He accepts my invitation and his lips meld to mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, threading my fingers in his curls. When I tug slightly, I hear him groan and feel him press against me eagerly. It’s been over a week since I have had this man in my arms and my heart is racing a hundred miles a minute. I climb into his lap, wrapping my legs around his waist and I feel his hands slide under the shirt to grasp my breast. His rough hand kneads me like dough and his fingers tweak my nipple, making me arch my back and let out a deeply embarrassing moan. Peeta looks up at me, his eyes darkened with love and lust, and his hand moves down my belly, into my simple cotton panties. He leans me back so he can watch me as his fingers find my wet folds. I know he loves to watch me when I come, he’s told me many times before. He’s gentle and hesitant as his fingers circle around, gathering my wetness on his fingertips. I feel his finger press against my clit and my hips jerk involuntarily. I open my eyes to look at him and sure enough, he is staring right back into my eyes. He pushes two fingers inside me and I almost cry out at the sensation. It’s only been a week but it feels like years. He continues to tease me, pushing his fingers in and out, his eyes boring into me. I clutch his hair as I ride his fingers, feeling my release approaching. I want to hold on longer but we haven’t been apart for this long since we started being intimate. I feel myself clench around him and to my surprise, he pulls his hand away. I give him an indignant glare but he’s shoving his boxer briefs down, freeing himself.

“I love it when you finish when I’m inside you,” he says huskily and I gasp. He lays on his back and holds my hips as I hold my panties to the side and lower myself over him. We throw our heads back and our moans fill the air. I push his shirt up to his chin so I can rake my nails down his muscular chest. His fingertips dig into my hips and I don’t care. His claim on me is worth it. I am his and he is mine. I pick up my speed, wanting my release already and he helps me move up and down. I watch him watching me as I move over him, my inner walls starting to flutter.

“I thought I’d lost you,” I gasp out and his eyes widen. I freeze for a moment and grind down on him, the pressure on my clit unbelievable. I come around him and feel him release inside me only seconds later. He throws his head back onto the pillow and pants, his fingers still digging into my hips. When he comes down from his high, he sits up and holds my face in his hands.

“You will never lose me,” he tells me sternly. “I will always come back to you. I’ll always find you. Don’t ever try to run because you know I’ll keep searching for you.” My eyes widen at his last statement and I shift edgily. His fingers tighten. “I’d die without you, Katniss. You know that.” And then he kisses me and everything is ok. It’s like his kisses revive me. He’s probably taken aback that I was so…physical after such an emotional night but I’m better with actions, not words. He doesn’t seem to be complaining.

He pulls out of me and I feel sticky and remember I’m still dirty from the woods yesterday. I pull my shirt over my head and see his eyes lock on my bare breasts. Smiling, I trace his jaw with my finger.

“Let’s take a shower and then stay in bed all day?”

“What’s the point of a shower if you’re just going to get dirty again,” he says slyly. 

“Because I feel gross from yesterday. You can wait here, I’ll just be a minute.” I move from the bed and bend to take my underwear off but I feel him grab me from behind and I squeal.

“No way I’ll be able to stay in bed while I’m thinking of you in that shower,” I feel his hot breath on my ear. “All naked and wet and just perfect.” I smirk and turn to face him, my hands sliding under his shirt and pulling it over his head. He sucks in a breath as I lower to my knees, pulling his underwear down the rest of the way and he steps out of them. I glance up at him and he is biting his lip pretty hard. Grasping his hand, I pull him into the bathroom and start the shower. Surprisingly, he doesn’t try anything in here. We take our turns under the water, washing our hair and he grabs a cloth and soaps me up. I take a moment to stare at him while he is rinsing his hair, his head back and his eyes closed. Peeta has truly changed from the boy I saw in the Games so long ago. He’s filled out and is so well-defined. His scars give him a sense of masculinity and the trail of blonde hair that leads from his bellybutton down to his penis makes me bite my lip eagerly. I find it strange that he has hair down here and I don’t. But I notice his chest is perfectly smooth, even though he has hair elsewhere. I wonder if the prep teams did something to us. Perhaps the Capitol demands their Victor women to be bare. Just in case, you know, we survive and are made Escorts. I’m glad they didn’t do the same thing to Peeta but his face and chest are still smooth like a boy’s. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest but I wonder if it bothers him. 

Or maybe he doesn’t over think everything like I do. I reach out and run my nails up his chest and see his cock jump to attention. His eyes flutter and he lifts his head to look at me for a moment. I give him a smile, which he returns, before he lowers his head back under the water again. His strong arms are over his head, rinsing his hair of shampoo. I lick my lips and lower to my knees, right in front of him. I look up and see his eyes are still closed and I smile to myself as I take him into my mouth, without any warning. Peeta’s hand scrabbles at the tile wall and his knees buckle.

“Fucking hell, Katniss!” I look up at him and see him watching me with wide eyes, his teeth biting down on his bottom lip. I reach up and scratch my nails gently down his stomach and feel his flesh flinch underneath my hands. His hand wraps in my sodden hair and I feel him tug as I hollow out my cheeks. 

“Oh…oh god Katniss,” he stammers, his eyes slamming shut. I reach down and weigh his balls in my palm, squeezing and feeling him shudder.

“Ka-Katniss…I’m…I’m gonna…” I love how he warns me when he is about to come but it isn’t necessary. It still isn’t the most pleasurable thing in the world but I love to feel his cock twitching beneath my lips as I accept, and seeing him weaker than a kitten, satisfied that I’m able to make him feel this way. Peeta is so good with words but I’m usually better with showing how I feel without saying a word. He still loves to hear me tell him how much I love him, and every now and again he still has to ask if it’s all real, because of what the hijacking has done to him. I feel even guiltier when I think about what it was like before the hijacking. If I hadn’t played with his heart and been so cruel, he may have been able to overcome the poison because he would already know how much I love him. 

He sinks down onto his little corner of the tub and clutches the side of the tub tightly. His chest moves up and down with his heavy breathing and I can practically hear his heart beating against his chest. His heart beats for me. It always has, he’s told me.  
When he told me he wanted to have the tests and therapy done, I was hesitant. When he told me the risks, I was adamant that he not do it. And when he told me that we wouldn’t be happy until he’s cured, I was heartbroken. 

We manage to live semi-normally now. He occasionally has a flashback and I still sometimes wake up in sweat and tears and am calmed by his soothing caresses and his reassuring words.

We’re broken for life. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing anymore. We have helped each other move on and heal.   
So when he told me he wasn’t happy, my world was turned upside down. I thought for sure I had lost him. I told him to stay in the Capitol and I flew out of the bakery. I went straight to my woods, with Rory on my feet, begging me to come back. He didn’t even know what Peeta had said to me and still, he was urging me to remember how much he loves me.

“He’d do anything for you Katniss,” he pleaded. “Why can’t you see that? Why do you insist on letting the Capitol win again and again?”   
Haymitch wasn’t much better. He grew frustrated with me quickly and threw his empty bottle down.

“Girl, you listen to me. Peeta has loved you since he was five. He has gone through hell and back for you, and he’s willing to die for you. If you think for a moment that he’s not happy with you, you’re more stupid than I thought. And you’re a smart girl, Katniss. Except when it comes to love. Except when it comes to him!”   
I feel his hand on my cheek and it moves down to cup my chin.

“Where’d you go,” he says softly. I blink up at him and rest my head on his knee.

“Nowhere. I’ve been right here the whole time.”

“Maybe your body has but your mind has definitely been gone. I’ve been calling your name for several minutes. What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. Turn off the water, it’s getting cold.” He reaches behind him and turns it off and I start to stand but he pulls me back down to him.

“You know I love you, right?” I nod and he kisses me. He presses his forehead to mine and sighs.

“I love you Katniss. I love you so much. I don’t think I can ever say that enough.” 

“I love you too Peeta. I hope you never get tired of hearing that cause I will never get tired of saying it.” He smiles and I swear it lights up the space around us.

“Believe me, I never could. Are you hungry? I can make us some breakfast.” I nod just as my stomach starts to growl and he chuckles.

We dry off and I pull on a pair of underwear and another of his shirts. His eyes light up when he sees me step out of the closet and I smile. I know he loves to see me in his clothes. Even though it’s freezing outside, he’s only wearing a pair of flannel pajama pants as he takes my hand and leads me down to the kitchen. He pulls me in for a deep kiss then hoists me up onto the countertop and goes about making breakfast. I giggle as every time he completes a task, he comes back to me for a kiss. We make it a game and only when I smell the cheesebuns baking, I yank him forward between my legs, wrapping them around his waist to hold him in place, and suck at his neck. He gasps and moans my name, while I reach around and grab his perfect ass. 

“God Katniss, we are never leaving this house again.” I laugh against his skin.

“I think we will have to eventually. You have to go back to the bakery and I have responsibilities at the orphanage. Plus, you know, we need groceries and necessities to live.” He shrugs.

“Nuances. We were in the Hunger Games. We can survive without those things.” I can’t help but roll my eyes. 

“Just because you won two Hunger Games, you think you can survive without toilet paper for the rest of your life?” He grins and nuzzles my cheek.

“I can do without the toilet paper but I know you would be lost if I didn’t go get more supplies to make cheesebuns.” I stick my tongue out at him, which is a mistake, because he leans forward and gently bites it. But his tongue is lapping at my lips until I open my mouth and let him in. I hear my stomach growl again and I pull away, eliciting a whine of protest from him.

“Feed me first,” I say, poking his nose. He grins and kisses my palm before he helps me down from the counter and pulls me toward the table. I sit while he takes the cheesebuns out of the oven, then fixes us a bowl of fruit to share. He’s even cooked some meat to go with the buns. As he comes back to the table, I notice he has almost no limp at all. I suddenly feel selfish and terrible for not thinking about the whole reason he had to leave me.

“Peeta! Your new leg!”

“What about it?”

“Let me see!” He chuckles and pulls his pant leg up a little, glancing at me for my reaction. I have to admit, it looks very real! It’s no longer the clunky metal with a clasp but flesh-colored and it even has hair. It looks just like his other leg and I reach out to touch it but draw back. He smiles kindly and takes my hand.

“You can touch, if you want to. You never need permission to touch me, Katniss.” I run my hand down the leg and gasp. He nods and his eyes are sparkling.

“Pretty neat, huh?”

“That’s amazing, Peeta. And no more pain?”

“Izzy did wonders with the therapy. I feel great.” 

“Peeta, that’s wonderful.” He smiles as he sits across from me for breakfast. He hands me the basket of cheesebuns and I eagerly grab one and bite into it. He shakes his head at me, a broad smile on his face and I shrug. Maybe we’ll be ok after all.


	49. Chapter 49

I’m making my way into my dark house, calling Katniss’s name. I don’t understand. Didn’t I just do this? Is this déjà vu or something? I stop in the doorway, seeing   
Katniss’s ring on the tabletop. No. I already put it back on her finger. What is going on?

I run upstairs and search our bedroom. Nothing. Wait. I know where she is. I’m down the stairs and out the door, running to her house. The door is locked, which I find strange. I go round to the backdoor and find it locked. Frustrated, I bang on the door and wait. Nothing. I feel a growing sense of panic and I pick up a rock and throw it through the window. I’ll fix it later. Right now, all I care about is finding Katniss.   
I climb through the window, careful to avoid the shards of glass everywhere, and I walk through the living room. I hate the feeling of this house. It’s even worse than when I moved Katniss over to my place. I head straight upstairs and don’t even go into her bedroom. I open Prim’s door and peer inside. The closet door is ajar. I walk over to it and pull it open. As the light from the hallway streams in, I fall backwards, horrified and gasping.

The dark figure is not moving. She’s curled up against the wall, her knees pulled into her chest. Her face is sunken in, almost a skeleton.  
Her eyes are wide and blank. Lifeless.  
I fall to my knees and crawl over to her, reaching out a trembling hand.

“Katniss?” When she doesn’t answer, I pull her into my arms and tremble at how cold she is. She’s stiff and unmoving. I lower my hand to her chest and cry out when I   
feel nothing.

Emptiness. 

She can’t be…she CAN’T be! I wasn’t gone long. I came back as soon as I could. Haymitch wouldn’t have let it gone so long before he checked on her.   
What if he couldn’t find her? What if she didn’t want to be found?  
What if she wanted to die? Because of what I said to her? Because I basically told her I’m unhappy. Lied to her about how miserable I am.  
I have to move. I have to do something. I have to…  
I lay down next to her, wishing for death to take me swiftly so I can join her once again. 

 

When I wake up, I feel her breath on my neck and I lean up to look down. When I realize that she’s here and healthy and alive, I bolt upwards and pull her close to my chest. My tears wet her hair and I feel her arms wrap around my arms.

“Shh, Peeta. It’s ok. You’re ok.” 

“You’re ok,” I sob. “You’re alive.”

“I’m ok,” she reassures me. “Nothing’s happened.” She sounds tired and weak and I have to pull her backwards so I can study her. Her eyes blink sleepily but there’s life in her cheeks, her grey eyes shine with love, and traces of a smile linger at her mouth. She reaches out and strokes my cheek and I nuzzle against her palm.

“We’re both ok,” she whispers. “We’re safe.”

“Katniss.” I break down and sob, clutching her to me. She allows me to hold her for as long as I need and I’m grateful for that. As many times as I cried for her during my captivity in the Capitol, wishing I could just hold her one more time, and now I can do it whenever I want to. She moves up so she is holding me in her lap and my head rests against her stomach. Her fingers curl in my hair and she plants warm kisses on my forehead. I can’t believe how stupid I am. I could have lost her. I could have driven her over the edge and if she wasn’t so strong, I could have come home to find a corpse, murdered by my own hurtful words.

“Sing to me Katniss,” I plead and she is quiet for a moment before she obeys. She sings me a lullaby her father used to sing to her and Prim, one that she sang to me while I was in the Capitol and we fell asleep on the phone every night. I fall asleep to her singing and caresses and am not disturbed by any more nightmares. 

 

As Winter starts to leave the district, Katniss and I find ourselves really busy and I’m not seeing her as much. I arrive at the bakery before everyone else and leave after everyone has gone home. She comes to help every now and again but she mostly spends her time at the orphanage, or hunting for the orphanage. As Christmas returned to Panem, so did many other holidays that were lost in the Dark Days. Valentines Day is another one that people are anxious to celebrate and even though I think it’s dumb to celebrate it with little cherubs with arrows, or the most sickeningly pink hearts one could find, I like that the day celebrates love. Delly and Cora take it upon themselves to decorate the bakery. I nearly gag when I come in that week and see all of the pink and frills. Beside me, Rory turns quite pale. 

“Oh Peeta, don’t you love it,” Delly squeals. My eyes travel around the room and I wonder what Katniss will say when she sees all of this. Thank god my girl isn’t into all of this frilly stuff. 

“When did we decide to change the colors of the bakery,” Riley asks as he comes in and makes himself known. I shake my head, too sickened to speak. Cora and Delly are overcome with giggles.

Despite the frills and the pink hearts, Katniss and I really enjoy the day together. It’s a busy day for the bakery but I make a special red velvet cake shaped like a heart and I paint our names with an arrow piercing the heart. Appropriate, I think. Even though I’m exhausted when I get home, we make love until the sun comes up and I fall asleep to my wife’s ‘I love you’s’ in my ear.

Around the end of February, I get a phone call from the president. Delly comes to the front of the bakery, wringing her hands nervously.

“Peeta, there’s a phone call for you.”

“Do you know who it is? I need to finish cleaning this case before--“

“It’s President Paylor.” Rory and Riley both look up, their eyes wide and I take a deep breath before going to answer it. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. She calls Katniss and me every now and again to check on us and see if there is anything she can do for us. It’s because of her that we still get our Victor wages. After the Games, I thought Victors would stop getting paid but she assured us she would see to it that we would still get all of our money.   
I go into my office and close the door. 

“Hello Madame President,” I greet her.

“Peeta, you sound wonderful! How have you been?”

“I’m doing well, thank you.”

“Good, good. And Katniss? How is our Mockingjay?”

“She’s great. She’s been volunteering her time at the orphanage a lot lately. She told me to tell you thank you for building that extra wing. The kids are very comfortable and she says some of them are very happy.”

“I’m glad to hear it. It’s wonderful to see her taking such an interest. Peeta, I was hoping you and Katniss could help me with a project this year.” I grip the phone, already feeling tense.

“As you know, Reaping Day is in April and after that, we will be celebrating the 2 year anniversary of the end of the Hunger Games.” I don’t mention how we very nearly had a final Hunger Games under Coin’s rule. By popular vote. I try to forget that Katniss voted yes on that atrocity.

I shake myself and focus on Paylor’s words.

“…come to the Capitol and pay your respects and perhaps make a speech about the fall of the Games?”

“Wait. You want me to come by myself?”

“I would make sure Katniss has temporary leave.” My temper is rising.

“You can give temporary leave for a speech but not when her husband has to go to the Capitol for therapy?” The line is silent.

“Peeta, Panem still needs to see that everyone is healing. You and Katniss are national symbols. It would be wonderful to have everyone’s support on this.” This says Plutarch Heavensbee all over it. Paylor doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman to encourage Victors to come out of their quiet lives for publicity.

“I’m sorry Madame President. Katniss and I are going to be 4 during that time. We’ve planned our honeymoon for then.” Well, guess I have to tell Katniss that we are going on our honeymoon in less than two months. I hear her sigh deeply.

“Very well, Peeta. But I’d like for you to consider this. Next year, we will have a memorial completed and are working on building memorials in every district. By the five year anniversary, we expect to have all memorials completed and are expecting a huge celebration in the Capitol. I want you and Katniss there. I’m not Snow so I won’t order for you to come but I am willing to do whatever it takes to have as many Victors as possible. And know that it’s not just about Victors. As I said, you and Katniss are still national symbols. And I fought alongside Katniss in District 8. I highly respect and admire her. Please remember that.” She says her goodbyes and hangs up. I stare at the phone, stunned. Why didn’t Katniss tell me that? Granted, I may have known in 13 but I was still fighting the effects of the tracker-jacker venom and wouldn’t have paid a lot of attention. Wondering if Gale ever told Rory about it, I decide to ask him before I ask Katniss.  
I find him kneading dough in the kitchen and I watch him for a moment. He glances up at me quickly and his mouth thins.

“You make me nervous when you do that.”

“Sorry,” I can’t help but laugh. “My father used to do it to us all the time. Made me paranoid too. Rory, can I ask you a question?”

“I can’t stay late tonight Peeta. I’m taking a pretty girl out to dinner.”

“Well that’s great but that’s not what I was going to ask you.”

“Oh.” He’s beet red and I grin. He is like my little brother in a lot of ways. And I was always the youngest so it’s nice to act like the big brother for once. 

“Did your brother ever tell you about fighting in the Rebellion?” His lips thin even more and he doesn’t look at me.

“You mean bragged about it?”

“Um…well, I just mean, I’m curious about his time alongside Katniss and the other rebels. I don’t remember a lot because I was in 13, getting better. Do you know about it?”

“Are you asking me if Gale and Katniss…did anything?” I feel a pain in my head and I shake it away quickly.

“No that’s not what I mean. Did Gale ever tell you about actually fighting? His position on the squad? What he did in District 8?”

“Not really. He likes to brag about being the Mockingjay’s protection most of the time and how he fought alongside her when she went to 8 and the hospital was attacked. But he doesn’t tell us much. He’s pretty proud of himself, though. I’d expected him to feel guiltier about those bombs. He practically blew up his own sister.” I tense at his icy tone and remember how close Rory and Prim were in age. Had there been something between them? I don’t want to ask. I’m not sure if I want to know. But when I see Rory’s eyes start to glisten, I know they were close. I turn away to give him privacy and out of the corner of my eye, I see him wipe his face. 

“I’d just like to find out more about what Katniss did during the War,” I say quietly. “I already know my wife is pretty damn amazing. I’d just like to know what the rest of Panem knows. Since I missed most of it.”

“Does it matter,” Cora says as she surprises us both, a mixing bowl in her arms. “You and Katniss did wondrous things for Panem. Does it really matter the details of those wondrous things?” I shrug nonchalantly.

“Well, not really but I’d just like to know. We don’t talk about the War much but when we see strangers on the street, they run up to us and thank us for what we’ve done. I don’t really think I’ve done a whole lot. I know Katniss was filming propos and visiting wounded soldiers before I was even rescued. She hasn’t told me about those times though.” I decide to drop it. Everyone insists that it doesn’t matter but they fail to see that it does, in fact, matter to me. I shake my head and am about to open the door when Cora speaks again.

“I remember watching on TV…when Katniss’s propo in District 8 came on,” she says softly. I turn to look at her and see a faraway look in her eyes. It then occurs to me that I don’t know a whole lot about my employees. Where they came from, their history from the War. 

“I grew up in District 6. My brother wanted to fight but my parents said he was too young. He left anyway. When we got word from him, he was in District 8. That was the last we heard from him.” I swallow and Rory looks pale. Cora is staring at the floor.

“The Capitol attacked 8 and there were so many casualties. Carlo sent us word that he was in the hospital in 8, with shrapnel in his leg. He said he was afraid they were going to have to take it off but he said, then he would be just like Mr. Peeta Mellark and that would make everything better,” she smiles at me and I blush. “We were watching the holo when news came that the Mockingjay had landed in 8 and was visiting the hospital. I was giddy because Carlo had always wanted to meet her. And I thought, maybe finally he would. And we watched live feed as she entered that hospital with her head held high and she told everyone she would join the fight. People asked about you of course. They asked about…the baby,” I gulp and feel my heart quicken. She gives me a sympathetic look before she continues. “The feed shut off. My family started to go about their day. And then, later on, the holo showed us images of the burning hospital. The Capitol had found out that Katniss was there and they killed everyone inside. And we watched while Katniss shot down the Capitol hovercrafts. And that was when she had truly embraced the role of the Mockingjay. Fire is catching and if we burn, you burn with us, she said. And the pain of the loss of my brother faded slightly because I knew the rebels would win. If anyone saw that propo with Katniss’s fierce eyes, they knew the Capitol was doomed.” The kitchen is silent. The door opens and Dane comes in, immediately sensing the tension. His eyes flicker over the three of us, and land on his wife.

“Babe?” She sniffles and walks into his arms. He holds her and strokes her hair, casting me a confused look. I mutter that I need to leave and I will be back later.  
I walk home quickly, my head lowered and my eyes straight ahead. It’s still rather cold so I have my hands stuffed in my pockets. When I reach the house, I call for Katniss but am not surprised that she doesn’t answer. She’ll be at the orphanage for another couple of hours, working on the new children’s wing. 

I fetch our memory book from the bookshelf and flip through it. I’ve illustrated each and every page but I feel like she would have written something about the hospital in District 8. I find nothing. Confused, I slam it shut and rest my chin on my hands. 

About an hour later, I hear the door open and I’m still sitting in the same spot. Katniss comes into the kitchen and stops at the sight of me.

“You’re home early,” she says as she moves toward me but then I guess she sees something that makes her pause. “Peeta? What’s wrong?”

“Why don’t I know about the hospital in 8,” I say quietly and her eyes widen.

“What?”

“The hospital. You shooting down the hovercrafts. Why don’t I know anything about it?” She stares me, maybe trying to figure me out. She may think I’m having a flashback, I don’t know. 

“Peeta, what-“

“Tell me, Katniss. I want to know everything. Everything I missed when I was in the Capitol.” She lowers to a chair and her hands rest on the table. I reach over and take one into my own. I feel her trembling and I rub my thumb across her knuckles soothingly. 

“I didn’t mean to alarm you. I just find that I missed a lot, while I was in the Capitol and then in 13. I still don’t know a whole lot about the War and I’d just like to know what you did, how you were so heroic.”

“I’m not the hero, Peeta,” she says softly. “You and Finnick and Cinna and Boggs and Jackson and Castor…you all are the heroes, not me.”

“Humor me then,” I say, pulling her toward me. “Tell me about it and I’ll be the judge of your heroism. Other people may tell me but I want to hear your side of it.” She takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes. Her eyes are like a raging thunder storm. I wipe a tear from her cheek and take her other hand so I am holding them both. In a quiet voice, she tells me about how she refused to be the Mockingjay, until she realized that she could try to save me and Johanna and Annie. She agreed to be their Mockingjay if Coin agreed to rescue us and pardon us for our crimes against the rebels. I vaguely remember worrying about that. My first propo, then they told me what to say, I wondered what Katniss would think and if she would believe I was a traitor. Even though we didn’t know of a rebel plan, I knew Katniss would do everything in her power to take down the Capitol. I just didn’t realize the extent of it. 

“So what made you agree to it,” I ask her. “I mean, you said you agreed if Coin agreed to rescue us but what made you actually accept her offer?”

“Honestly, it was your propo. When I saw how the Capitol was using you, I knew I had to do everything I could to get you out of there. But it was also the worry of what 13 would do to you when you were rescued. You were considered a traitor to the rebellion. Coin would have rescued you and executed you. Prim made me realize how important I was to Coin and that I could pretty much demand whatever I wanted. So I demanded your freedom, as well as the rest of the Victors. Coin agreed to my demands and made the announcement public. She made it clear, if I failed to fulfill my Mockingjay duties, the agreement would be void, which is why I fought so hard to stay alive. I knew if I died, you, Johanna, and Annie would die as well.” I listen to her intently, as she continues on. She tells me about her miserable attempts at a propo “seriously Peeta, I was worse than my Games interviews!” and how Haymitch suggested that she needed to be amidst the fighting for it to be real to her. She was sent to 8, with soldiers and Cressida’s team, and that’s where she met Paylor. She went into the hospital and talked to many of the wounded. I don’t mention Cora’s brother. The way Katniss is talking, she tried to speak to everyone in there. She tells me people asked about me and if I was ok. They asked about the baby and she told them she had lost it in the explosion in the arena. My throat tightens a little. I knew most of 13 didn’t believe those lies I had told. But most of Panem believed it and I always wondered what they had been told, when it was clear that Katniss was no longer pregnant. 

When she gets to the part about the Capitol bombing the hospital, she starts to tear up and she looks angry. I squeeze her hands, soothing her with my touches. She goes on, telling about how she and Gale shot down the hovercrafts and Katniss made her propo, announcing that she had a message for Snow. They didn’t let us see those propos but I would have given anything to see Katniss screaming at Snow in front of a burning hovercraft. I bet she was beautiful and terrible and something to behold. She goes on to tell me about when they saw my final propo, my warning to 13. She stops for a moment, the tears and memories too much, and I pull her to my chest and hold her. She pulls back and leans against the chair, ready to continue. She talks about the night of the bombing, after my warning. She chokes up again and I wait for her to calm down. It takes longer this time.

“I refused to do any more propos for them,” she says, her red eyes on the table. “I realized that Snow was taking it all out on you. He tortured you to punish me. I discovered I couldn’t be the mockingjay because you were being tortured because of me.”

“Katniss-“ I try to pacify her, as I usually do but she’s not having it. She shakes her head and takes several deep breaths.

“After that, we agreed to let Cressida interview us, Finnick and me. It was a diversion so that Snow would be focused on us while the rescue squad got you and the others out. Cressida asked me about loving you and I just cried and cried. Finnick took over and revealed everything that Snow had done to him. I listened in horror but I was waiting for news of you and Gale. I was so scared. So terrified that I would lose you both that night.” I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment before I gesture for her to continue. 

I told her I wanted to hear all of it and she is obeying my wishes. We sort of skim over my rescue and my attempt on her life. We both know about it, and neither of us want to dwell on it. She does tell me how she hid in ventilator shafts and closets so no one, not even Haymitch, could find her. She hid from the world, with the pearl between her fingers, her thoughts focused on me. The air is thick with tension as she talks about how she waited behind the glass with Haymitch when they brought Delly in to see me. She falls silent for a moment but I see the pain in her eyes. I remember the terrible things I screamed about Katniss being a mutt, and how I had truly believed that she was not the Katniss I had once loved. During my torture, they made it clear that she had been killed. Whether by the Capitol or by rebels, she had died and they had created a mutt version of her to keep the districts on the rebels’ side. They had told me I had to kill her, or she would kill me and everyone I loved. 

My hands start to shake and Katniss notices. She falls silent and her lips tighten.

“Peeta, we don’t have to do this. This isn’t good for you.”

“I’m fine,” I say quickly. She looks unconvinced so I take her hand and kiss her palm. I see hr relax slightly and I nod.

“Go on.” 

After I tried to kill her, she begged to be sent away. I don’t mention how angry this still makes me. I understand how difficult it was for her but I still feel like she just gave up on me. But with the tears in her eyes, I also see guilt and I have a feeling she already thinks of that. She definitely doesn’t dwell on it. She tells me about going to 2 and learning about Gale’s designs. She chokes up here too. Not that I’m surprised. Those traps took her sister’s life and they were designed by her best friend. I can’t imagine how hard that is to live with. I think around that time, I was getting better and making progress with Delly. When she tells me she was shot in 2, I’m shocked. Why don’t I remember that?

“Haymitch made you give a speech out in the open like that?”

“He didn’t like it but he thought I could get them to surrender and save a lot of lives. It was a good plan but I’m still terrible at speeches. And this man had his gun aimed at me and so guns were up all around us and I still don’t know who was on whose side. But I watched myself get shot on TV. Cinna’s suit protected me but my spleen was ruptured. I was sore for weeks.” She swallows and runs her fingers along my palm.

“I remembered something, when I was in the hospital. I remembered that day…you remember when I came home from the woods and peacekeepers were in the house? You and Haymitch covered for me but I had hurt my foot?” 

“How could I forget,” I say, a little gruffly. “You had us all worried sick.”

“Sorry,” she says meekly. My face softens and I squeeze her hand.

“I was just…so scared. I thought you had left without telling me.”

“I’d never leave you behind,” she tells me and I see the truth in her eyes. Even though she didn’t know how she felt about me, she still would have taken me with her, had I chosen to go. I clear my throat and nod.

“Anyway, you were saying?”

“Yeah, um…I remembered that day, how you carried me up to my room and then asked you to stay with me. I was drifting off due to the sleep syrup and you told me ‘always’. That memory and that word just stuck with me when I woke up in the hospital in 13. Then Jo came in and stole my morphling.” I snort. Yep, sounds like Johanna. She looks up at me and I’m lost in those seas of grey.

“Then came the wedding,” she says quietly. I swallow again, knowing where this is going. Finnick’s and Annie’s wedding. I had been ecstatic when Finnick told me that he had proposed and he asked me to make the cake. They let me use the kitchens to make it and I was extremely proud of it. I didn’t get to attend the wedding because I was still in restraints but I remember asking if I could see her. Haymitch and Johanna and Annie and Finnick and Prim and even Coin had been to see me but   
I never saw Katniss. 

Until that night. 

My heart races as our eyes meet. I’m hoping she doesn’t go into this either. I remember that night. I remember what I said to her. How much I hurt her. As if my fingers closing around her throat hadn’t hurt her enough, I had to go on insulting her. She’s the first one to break eye contact and she looks down.

“I never apologized for that night,” she says quietly. I frown.

“Why would you apologize?”

“Because I shouldn’t have…I was so angry, Peeta. I let your insults get to me and I took them personally. I didn’t even think about the fact that it wasn’t really you. I was terrible and I abandoned you, so many times. Forgive me. I wouldn’t forgive me if I were you but I hope you can…” she trails off and sobs and I push the chair back and kneel on the floor in front of her. Looking up at her, I take her face in my hands and make her look at me.

“Katniss, we did and said so many things that I wish we could take back. Don’t dwell on them, love. Things worked out in the end. Even though there are lots of things we wish we could change, we found each other in the end. That’s all that matters, ok?” She nods weakly and sniffles as I wipe her tears with my thumb. I lean up to kiss her and she wraps her arms around my neck. I break our kiss but continue to hold her and she relaxes in my embrace. 

“Ok. Skip over that night,” I say quietly and she smiles weakly. 

“What else do you want to know? You started to get better after that. And you joined the star squad not long after. The rest, well, you were there.” I nod. I would like to ask her more about the star squad but I remember her hurtful words when I arrived at camp and have to remind myself, she thought I was gone for good.  
Why did she give up on me so easily? If she really loved me, why was she so willing to let me go?   
If our roles had been reversed…

Stop it. Stop it! Don’t think about it. It’s over. It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.  
Katniss seems to sense my battle with myself and she pulls my head to her chest. I wrap my arms around her waist and her chin rests on my head. 

“I love you so much,” she whispers as she strokes my hair and I close my eyes. 

“Real,” I whisper. “I love you too, Katniss.” 

 

We hold each other for a little while until I bring up Paylor’s phone call. She leans back and studies me.

“Is that what this was all about? Paylor talked about something and you wanted to hear it from me?”

“Sort of,” I confess. “She talked about how much she respects and admires you and that she fought alongside you. I realized then that I didn’t know the details of the rebellion. Just what the Capitol showed us and you know most of that probably wasn’t true. I just wanted to hear your side of the whole thing. I’m sorry I pried.”

“Peeta, you’re my husband. You can ask me anything,” she says patiently and I have to smile. 

“Well, Paylor asked us to come to the Capitol for the anniversary of the end of the Games. But,” I cut her off as I see her reacting immediately, “I told her we would be on our honeymoon.” Her eyes widen and she actually looks excited.

“Really?”

“Guess we need to get on the phone with Annie and start planning. We can go in April, so we have something to celebrate and be happy about instead of dwelling on the terror.” She flings her arms around me and I grin.

“I love you,” she says as her cheek is pressed to mine. I kiss her hair and smile.

“I love you too. Now I really need to get back to the bakery.” She glances up at the clock and frowns.

“It’s about to close.”

“I know. I told them I would be back to finish the orders later, because I left early. I don’t want them to have to stay late. You could come with me, if you don’t want me to be alone?” She tries to hide her smile.

“Fine but if you get frosting on me again, you’re dead.”


	50. Chapter 50

We hold hands as we practically run to the bakery. The temperature has dropped and we pull our coats tighter around ourselves. When we reach the bakery, the lights are still on and there are a few customers up front. Peeta nods and smiles to each of them as we make our way to the back. Rory is frosting some cupcakes and Dane greets me warmly.

“Didn’t think you’d be back,” Rory says, his brow raised.

“I told you I would,” Peeta says as he pulls on his apron. He tosses one to me and I glare at him.

“He’s putting me to work,” I tell them and they laugh.

“She volunteered to come keep me company,” Peeta says as he winks at me. I roll my eyes and turn to the massive amount of dishes in the sink. Rory sets the frosting aside and brushes his hands off on his apron. 

“These are all ready but since we’re about to close, you want to stick them into the fridge?”

“Sure, you can do that. I’ll make more in the morning. Dane, where is Cora?”

“I sent her home,” he says gruffly. “She’s been really emotional lately. Don’t know what she was so upset about but she wouldn’t tell me.” I see Peeta bite his lip nervously and I watch him suspiciously. He clears his throat.

“Why don’t you go on home to her? We will finish up.” He looks at me and I nod reassuringly.

“Ok, thanks Peeta. Mrs. Mellark, always a pleasure.” 

“Good night, Dane. Give my best to Cora.” He nods and heads out the backdoor. Rory looks up at the clock and Peeta smiles.

“You can go too, Rory. I’ll finish with the last few customers.” 

“Thanks Peeta,” he looks relieved. “There’s three orders on the register. None of them are too big.” Peeta nods and Rory waves to me as he follows Dane out. 

“I’ll go see if anyone else needs anything?” Peeta nods gratefully and I push the door open to see two customers at the register.  
I take care of them quickly and wave them off. After they’re gone, I switch the sign around to closed and lock the door. I join Peeta in the kitchen and see he is already starting the first order. Luckily, it’s just a batch of cookies and cupcakes. Not something extravagant like a wedding cake, although he does get those orders quite often. Everyone in Panem knows how perfect Peeta’s decorating is now. If they didn’t already get that from our first Games, when he camouflaged himself to hide from the Careers, the special about the bakery that aired definitely confirmed it. I set to washing the dishes and we’re quiet as I let Peeta work. I start to hum to myself, which turns into singing. I don’t even realize how loud I get and I am singing in full voice. I turn around to find Peeta staring at me. 

“What,” I say defensively. He shakes his head and sets the spoon down, and walks over to me. His hands rest on my shoulders and he gives me a loving smile.

“Every time I hear you sing, I think I fall in love with you a little bit more. And I didn’t think that was possible.” I try to push him away playfully but he captures my hands and brings them to his lips.

“That first time I heard you sing in class. I was a goner.” 

“You’ve told me that before,” I remind him. “Tell me something I don’t already know.”

“Your voice brought me back when I was first hijacked,” he tells me and my eyes widen. 

“They’d been trying more and more doses of the venom. At first I didn’t know what they were doing but when they would play hours of videos of you, I started to put two and two together. So I tried to fight it for as long as I could. Eventually, they increased the dosages and it became too hard to distinguish what was real. That last propo you saw me in, the hijacking was…well, let’s just say they were succeeding. Snow tested me several times that day, to make sure I wouldn’t say anything I wasn’t supposed to. And I remember Johanna sneaking over to me and trying to talk to me about you and I got mad and slapped her. In that propo, I was supposed to talk about a cease fire and try to reason with you. I was so angry with you, so frustrated, and I’m sure you could see it on my face. But then I heard you singing…and it just brought me back. It reminded me that I had always tried to save you, and I couldn’t stop now. That’s why I warned you about the bombing. Because I heard your voice and remembered who I was. That little boy in love with that little girl with two braids.” I feel tears spill over my eyes as he talks so casually about his torture and I squeeze his hands. He smiles weakly and reaches up to stroke my cheek. I close my eyes and turn my face into his palm. 

“Keep singing to me,” he whispers against my cheek before I feel his lips on me again. I sing my favorite songs that my dad had taught me when I was young. His lips are soft and gentle, covering my face and neck in those sweet kisses. When he reaches the edge of my shirt and can go no lower, he kneels in front of me and proves me wrong. His hand reaches around and unties the apron, so it falls to my feet. He pulls me to him and edges my shirt up, so my bellybutton is exposed. My breath hitches and my voice shakes when I feel his lips on my stomach. My shirt inches up a little at a time and he kisses the exposed skin there. When he reaches my bra, he stands and pulls the cup down so he can get to the sensitive skin there. My teeth come down on my lip as I feel his lips close around my nipple and I whimper softly. He switches to my other breast and tugs my nipple gently. His kisses continue up my chest until he finds my lips and I tug on his hair, pulling him closer. His hands rest on my waist and I am breathless from our kiss.

“Keep singing, Katniss,” he breathes as he kisses my jaw line and my throat and sucks at a tender spot on my neck. I vaguely register his fingers working the button of my pants and he is pushing them down over my hips. My voice falters but a sharp look from him and I keep searching for the notes. I gasp and tremble as he lowers to his knees again and hooks his fingers under the band of my underwear. I’m embarrassed by how wet I am and he smirks up at me, letting me know he’s noticed. He’s silent, however, as he leans forward to plant kisses around my bellybutton again. He trails his lips downward as his hands inch my panties down around my ankles. I step out of them and he flings them aside. He kisses me all over, down my hips, my thighs, down my legs, until he lifts one of my feet and he kisses my ankle. I don’t have very good balance and squeeze his shoulders to keep myself up. He lowers my leg and lifts the other one, following the same trail he just made. He travels upwards this time, his kisses covering my skin. He parts my legs slightly and kisses my inner thigh. My knees shake as he gets closer and closer and I reach behind me to grip the sink. He looks up at me and his eyes meet mine as his tongue slides between my folds. I let out a little yelp as he parts me with his fingers and kisses me, just teasing and driving me mad. I reach down and grab a fistful of his curls, hoping he’ll know what I want. He parts my legs even wider and pushes a finger inside me. My song is forgotten.

Oh god, the way the man works me with his hands and mouth should be illegal. I feel the smirk against my skin but when his eyes meet mine again, I see only love. He keeps his eyes on mine as he lets out a little ‘hmmm’ against my skin. My knees buckle and I grip the sink tighter. He moves away and lies on his back, pulling me down on top of him. His hands grip my hips as I straddle his face and I feel his mouth devouring me again. I lean backwards, arching my back, so I can reach back into jeans. The damn apron is in the way and I scrabble around so I can reach underneath it. Finally I feel the button and zipper and frantically try to pull. Doing this one-handed is hard enough but doing it backwards is damn near impossible. It’s even more difficult to concentrate with the way his tongue is working at me. My hand slides into his jeans and I feel his silky-smooth skin underneath my fingers. I try to push his jeans down so I can gain better access to him but he’s not helping me at all. His fingers are digging into my thighs as I grind against his face; he knows I’m close and I toss my head back and cry out his name. This only fuels him on, and I when I feel his teeth on my clit, I feel waves rushing over me. I fall backwards and he smiles as he peers up at me from between my legs. When I regain my senses, I glare up at him.

“Wipe that smirk off your face.”

“Oh I would but you screaming my name like that makes me pretty damn proud of myself,” he says with a smug grin. “I love that I can make my mockingjay sing.”

I grab his hair and yank him down to me, wrapping my legs around him and thrusting up. The apron is still in the way but I feel him hard and pressing against me. The rough feel of his jeans on my clit drives me crazy and I can’t stand it anymore. As he kisses me, I yank the apron off him and reach into his jeans to free his cock from his underwear. He pulls me up so he can lay something on the floor when I lay back, I feel his apron underneath me.

“Such a gentleman,” I say as I wink up at him. He groans as soon as I touch him and finally, he’s working with me. He shoves his jeans and boxers down his hips and then he’s inside me. We both moan deeply, feeling complete again. It’s hard and fast because we don’t have time for much else. We’re already looking at spending several more hours here and I don’t really want to spend the night at the bakery, even though he has to be back here in several hours. I reach up and rake my nails down his chest and I see his eyes slam shut.

“God Katniss!” I love the way my name falls from his lips. I grind upwards and meet his thrusts.

“Say it again,” I coo. He opens his eyes and looks back down at me.

“Katniss.” It comes out as a moan but full of desire and longing. I lean up and the change in angle makes both of us gasp.

“Peeta,” I gasp and his hand closes around a bunch of my hair as his lips slam onto mine. He freezes for just a moment and then he is moving again, hitting that spot just perfectly. I can’t hold on any longer and cry out into his mouth as I find that glorious release. He is right behind me, his face buried in my neck as he pants through his release. I hold onto him as my legs lower to the floor and we lay there holding each other and trying to catch our breath. When he pulls out of me, I feel empty and immediately miss his warmth. I shiver and he hands me my clothes. He kisses me as he helps me into my underwear and jeans and then he re-clasps my bra. He reaches for his jeans but I shake my head and toss him the apron. He catches it, looking confused, then looks at me with a questioning look in his eye.

“That’s my compromise. You want me to stay here with you, you give me something nice to look at.” His eyes are wide and he is trying not to smile. 

“Mrs. Mellark, you are downright fiendish.” 

“Your choice, Mr. Mellark. Clothes or me.” He tosses his jeans aside and ties the apron round his neck. He gives me a haughty smile as he washes his hands and face, before he goes around the counter to continue working on the cupcakes. 

My eyes dance as I take him all in. The apron only covers his front, I discover, as he turns to put the cupcakes into the oven. The string ties around his neck, leaving his magnificent backside exposed. I shift side to side, feeling uncomfortable between my thighs again. Peeta looks up at me, as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking, and winks at me. I finish the dishes, watching him as he frosts the cupcakes and I stare unashamedly whenever he turns away from me. He hurriedly shoves the cookies into the oven and then he comes back with a cake to frost and decorate. I’m captivated by the look of intense concentration that crosses his face. His tongue sticks out of the corner of his mouth, his eyes are narrowed on his task. His hand does not shake once as he makes beautiful patterns with the icing. He turns and finishes the cupcakes he was working on. I’m amazed that he can perfect so many tasks at once. 

“Katniss can you put these into the walk-in fridge for me?” I nod and take the tray from him and he steals a quick kiss before I can walk away. He comes around the corner and sets up the cake he just decorated.

“Ok, nearly finished,” he says softly at my side. I nod and reposition the cake and he disappears.   
When I close the door and make sure the door is closed tightly, I go back to the sink to finish the last of the dishes. I don’t see Peeta so I guess that he is cleaning up out front. I wipe down the counters and put away the pots and pans. The kitchen looks pretty clean, I have to say, and I smile to myself. It’s not even ten pm and we are nearly finished. My panties grow damp as I think about going home to bed with my husband.

“Katniss.” His voice is soft and far away. I whirl around and I suspect my jaw has dropped to the floor. He’s standing by the counter, spinning a bottle of whipped cream between his fingers. The apron lies on the floor and there’s a generous amount of whipped cream covering his bottom half. He watches me, his eyes clouded with lust as I make my way over to him slowly.

“What do you think, Katniss?”

“You look good enough to eat,” I tell him honestly. He raises his chin a little and hands go to his hips.

“Then make good on your promise.” Good thing I like whipped cream. 

 

As Spring comes to 12, the bakery gets busier and busier. Sometimes I’m grumpy about how little I see my husband these days but then I remember that this has been his dream, to re-open his family’s bakery. I go help him when I can but as the weather is getting nicer, I can’t stay away from the woods. It’s almost time for us to leave for our honeymoon and I cannot be more excited. I never thought I would be sitting here in the middle of the afternoon, planning my honeymoon! But Annie has given us some great ideas and it will be wonderful to get away with Peeta and just be able to relax, without the bakery or the orphanage or the threat of depression hanging over us. It’s a mark of how well Peeta knows me-and how amazing he is- that he chose the dates of our departure. Reaping Day and Prim’s birthday. He suggests we celebrate Prim’s birthday in 4, when we get to the beach. She always wanted to see the ocean. I promised to take her one day.

I impatiently wipe away the tears that are filling my eyes as I focus on the list in front of me. Peeta’s right; she wouldn’t have wanted me to dwell on her memory in a negative way. My little duck was always so full of positivity and light and love, and Peeta is so much like her. I wonder if it’s the blonde hair or the blue merchant eyes but it astounds me that somehow, both of these sweet souls who suffered so much in their short lives, always maintained that amazingly sweet disposition. When I, a girl from the Seam, jerk between emotions so much that I’m sure Peeta has whiplash, being married to me. 

I feel warm arms wrap around me and I smile and unconsciously lean back into his chest. The smell of bread and cinnamon invades my nostrils and I lean my head back so I can look up at him. He smiles down at me and kisses my nose.

“Hi.” I smile, reaching up to stroke his face.

“Hey there. You’re home early.”

“Yeah, Rory and Riley are training the two new bakers from 11, and had everything under control so I thought I’d come home and surprise you. What are you working on?”

“Looking over Annie’s list,” I hold it up and he kneels beside me. Since he got a new prosthetic, I have to say he is able to get up and down so much easier than he once did. He has no limp whatsoever and he even seems stronger when we walk to town together. He wraps his arms around me and his cheek rests against my arm.

“You all packed?”

“Nearly. I was planning to finish tonight. What time does our train leave?”

“Seven am. So I hope you are planning on finishing tonight,” he jokes. I nod and push the list aside.

“I’ll head on up to do that now. How many suitcases are you taking?”

“It’s only five days, Katniss. I don’t need more than one.” 

“Hey, I don’t know what we’ll be doing. Like, I might need more shoes,” I try to imitate a Capitolite’s stuffy voice and he chuckles as he kisses my forehead.

“That is not the girl I married and I’m glad of that. You have never been concerned with fashion or any of that hoity-toity nonsense.” I shrug as I rise to my feet.

“Never really had any cause for it. Even in the Capitol, I hated all the fancy things. I wasn’t used to it and I don’t think I’ll ever be used to it.” Peeta’s hand is warm in mine as he leads me upstairs and we enter our bedroom. I have two suitcases lying open on the bed, clothes strewn all over the place but nothing actually packed. He stops and raises a brow at me.

“And how is this nearly packed, my dear?”

“Be quiet. Here, you can fold.” I toss a pair of pajamas at him and he wrinkles his nose.

“Why are you taking pajamas with you?” I frown at him.

“Um, because we will be going to sleep at some point on this trip.” He holds the pajamas on one hand and gives me a mock disapproving look.

“Yeah and if all goes well, I’ll have you in bed with no clothes on most of the time,” I blush at his statement and mutter something unintelligible. He grins and throws my pajamas aside. I immediately remember how long it has been since we have been intimate. With us being so busy with the bakery and the district assistance, we haven’t had a lot of time to ourselves.   
We are both really looking forward to getting away for a few days.

“Peeta--“ I start but then his lips are on mine and he is leaning me back against the pillows. His lips drift across my neck and he starts sucking at my throat.

“Peeta,” I fight for control of my voice. “We…ah! We can’t…we…we should…I need to pack!”

“Mmmhmm,” is all he says as he pushes my shirt up to my chin and his palms rest on the cup of my bra. At the same time, I feel his hand push my legs apart and he starts teasing me through the cloth.

“Ugh. Peeta.” He chuckles lightly as he sucks at a spot just under my collarbone. My back arches off the bed at the feel of his teeth and I bite my lip hard to keep in my moans. 

“Is this all we’re going to be doing in 4,” I ask breathlessly. He chuckles again.

“We can do whatever you want to do. I won’t object to this at all but we can spend the day doing some of the things Annie suggested.” I nod and feel his hand slip past the waistband of my pants.

“As long as I’m with you,” he breathes against my neck before biting gently. “I don’t care what I’m doing. Every moment spent with you is perfection.” 

After he makes me come undone with just his fingers, he moves off of me and pulls the suitcases closer. He folds my pajamas neatly and we have the first suitcase full. 

“Do you really need two of these,” he gasps as he pushes down on it to close it.

“I haven’t even packed what I’ll be wearing during the day. That was just my bras and underwear and stuff to sleep in.”

“How much underwear do you need, woman,” he asks in exasperation. I shrug and try to hide my smile. I have already packed the rest of Cinna’s lingerie collection in a small bag I also plan to take. I was blushing when I pulled out the rest of the pieces and studied them. The thought of Cinna imagining me in some of these make me turn ten shades of red but then again, I have to remind myself, he would have been making me much worse if Peeta and I had been sold to the Capitol. I shudder and watch my husband pulling out my dresses from the closet. Anger rises deep within me as I conjure the image of someone else lying underneath him, or riding him fiercely, while he squeezes back tears. He would have been gentle with every one of them but who knows if they would be gentle back. I suppose many Captolite women would have paid a pretty penny to be wooed and adored by Peeta Mellark. I can just imagine him charming a beautiful leggy blonde before taking her to her bed and obeying her every wish. 

I blink and shiver again. I realize that Peeta is watching me, a worried look crossing over his face.

“Hey,” he says softly as he comes to sit next to me on the bed. “You alright?”

“I’m fine,” I say dismissively but he takes my face in both of his hands and kisses me softly. I don’t open my eyes again until he has pulled away and I can still feel his stare.

“Um…I’d better…keep packing.” He frowns as I bolt off the bed and into the closet but he doesn’t say anything else. He follows me in and leans against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest. 

“You think we’ll be going out to fancy places?”

“A couple of the restaurants that Annie suggested are pretty classy. But we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“This is your honeymoon too,” I remind him. “I want you to enjoy yourself too.”

“Katniss, I’ll be with you. That’s more than I could ever hope for.” I glance at him and turn my gaze to the floor. He does this quite often. He talks about how long he has loved me, how being with me is a dream come true. I feel terrible because I can’t say that back. I love him, yes, but he has loved me far longer than I have loved him. I don’t think it matters and he says it doesn’t but when he starts talking about him falling in love as a child, I feel guilt gnaw at me. 

“Ok. Which one is your favorite?” I hold up three dresses that I rarely wear. Dresses aren’t practical and I am more than comfortable in my pants and hunting jacket but I want to look nice for him and started adding to my wardrobe. I have worn pretty summer dresses on several occasions and I love how his eyes light up when he sees me. He knows when I wear a dress, he has easy access to push my underwear aside and take me hard and fast. He studies them and looks up at me.

“Pack them all. We’ll decide when we get there.” I shake my head and toss the dresses at him.

“You’re impossible.”

“But you love me anyway,” he fires back as he turns to pack the dresses. I smile and cock my head.

“Yeah. I do.” 

 

I fall asleep the moment the train leaves the station. Peeta allows me to rest against his chest and my eyes are closed within minutes. 

When I open my eyes, I know I’m still dreaming. One reason is that I am wearing one of Cinna’s more scantily-clad creations as well as a blonde wig. I wrinkle my nose and lift a ringlet in front of my face. Who the hell wanted me to go blonde?  
The door opens and I gasp when I see him. Peeta is wearing a fluffy blue robe, his blonde curls are a complete mess, and he has scratches all over his bruised face and hands.

“Peeta!”

“Hey,” he says with a soft smile that lights up his beautiful eyes. I run to him and fling my arms around his neck and feel him stiffen a little.

“I’m ok,” he mumbles as he pulls away. “For some reason, I just keep getting the rough clients. Which is better than you getting them,” he adds quickly. I frown.

“Those women hit you?” He shrugs. 

“They like control. They’re controlled by their husbands so this is their chance to dominate someone else.” My eyes fill with tears as I take his hands into my own and kiss his knuckles. My beautiful broken boy. What has the Capitol done to you?

“Katniss…you don’t have any more assignments tonight, do you?” I shrug. How the hell should I know? More importantly, why should I care?

“Can I stay with you tonight?” His voice is so gentle and so weak. I don’t hesitate. I grab his hand and lead him back to my room (it’s a dream so of course I know my way around!) 

When we get inside, I slip the robe off and finds that he wears nothing underneath. I find myself missing the scars and marks from his struggles and triumphs. They’re what make him who he is today.   
But as this is a dream, he is unmarked and flawless. The Capitol even keeps his skin polished and his prosthetic looks real, like his current one does.   
He doesn’t break eye contact as he unties the ribbons of my bustier and he flings it across the room. He gently finds the pins of my wig and throws that aside as well.

“There’s my Katniss,” he whispers. 

Naked, we climb into bed together and settle into the sheets. I feel his tears on my shoulder and I hold him close as we both cry silent tears.   
No matter how broken I think we are now, in the real world, this dream world is so much worse. I have to tell myself that once I wake up. 

 

I feel gentle shaking and I blink up at a pair of hazy blue eyes. He grins down at me and kisses my nose.

“Come on sleeping beauty, we’re here.” I jump up and he stares at me in concern. But I grab his shirt with both of my hands and my lips come crashing down on his. When we break apart, he is panting and wide-eyed.

“Katniss?”

“You’re mine, Peeta. I’m yours and you’re mine. It has always been that way. It was always going to be you.” His face softens and he strokes my cheek. I know he knows I’ve had a nightmare. He can probably even guess what it’s about.

“I’m yours,” he says quietly, pressing our foreheads together. “My heart has never belonged to another. And it will never belong to anyone but you.” He kisses me one more time before he pulls me to my feet and we collect our things from the porter. We look around the station uncertainly, not really sure of how we are supposed to get to our hotel.  
But a tall man in a black suit walks forward and I feel Peeta tense up next to me. He grabs my hand and pulls me into his side. The man’s dark hair hangs low in his dark glasses and he stops in front of us.

“Good afternoon, Katniss. Peeta.” Peeta and I exchange confused looks before the man removes his shades.

“Gale,” I can only breathe. Peeta tenses even more.

“What are you doing here?”

“President Paylor asked me to keep an eye on you both this week.” I can’t help but notice how smug he sounds right now. 

“You’re the chaperone,” Peeta doesn’t even try to hide his discomfort at this. 

“One of them. President Paylor asks me to remind you that you are both national symbols and you need to be protected. My team and I will be close but we will give you plenty of privacy. You’ll need this,” he hands us a communicator and Peeta takes it, looking confused. “So you can contact me any time you need something. If you’d both like to step into the car, I’ll get your bags for you.” I notice a long black car pulling up in front of us but Peeta grips my bag tightly.

“I can get our bags, just fine, thanks. Katniss, you go ahead and get in.”

“Mr. Mellark, please remember you are a Victor and should be treated as such.” I suck in a breath at Gale’s tone of voice. The air is thick with tension.

“Mr. Hawthorne. Please remember I am a Victor and I survived two Hunger Games. As did my brave wife. I promise you, we are equipped to handle more than you think. And please do not forget, you once knew us as your fellow soldiers. Not Victors.” Gale is about to open his mouth to argue and I can see the anger in his face. I lay a hand on Peeta’s arm and gently tug him toward the car.

“Come sit with me,” I say softly. Peeta shoots a look at Gale and looks back at me.

“Alright,” he finally concedes and Gale takes my bag from his hands. Peeta opens the door for me and I scoot in, gasping at the luxury around me. I’ve never seen such a nice (and big) automobile before but I think, this would have been nice on the Victory Tour, instead of the train. I mentally hit myself and shake my head. Why am I thinking of the Games at a time like this?

Peeta’s arm drapes around my shoulder and I snuggle up to him. My shoes drop off and I tuck my feet up under me and scoot closer to him. I can’t help but think of how this seat reminds me of the couch at Ceasar Flickerman’s studio, right after we won the Games. When Peeta sat on the couch and I sat next to him, with my feet pulled up underneath me.

Stop it Katniss! Stop thinking about the Games! 

I feel Peeta playfully tugging on my ear and I glance sideways at him.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I’m just thinking how excited I am to finally be on our honeymoon,” I lie. His face relaxes and he smiles.

“Me too, Katniss. Me too.”


	51. Chapter 51

We didn’t really get a chance to see Victor’s Village the last time we were here. The Victory Tour kept us busy and there wasn’t a lot of time for sightseeing. But from what we saw, District 4 is among the most beautiful. 

We drive past the ocean and I eagerly point out docks and beaches and Katniss just smiles. I’m glad the tense moment with Gale hasn’t ruined anything between us but he definitely took us by surprise. I can’t help that possessive feeling that floods through me whenever I see that man. I’ll probably feel that for the rest of my life. And I hate how cold he acts toward Katniss. The man definitely does not like losing and I bet it eats him up that he lost the girl to a Merchant boy. 

The twelve year old inside me grins smugly. He chuckles at the Seam boy’s pain and humiliation. 

I wish I could say the present-day me feels differently but it would be a lie. Katniss chose me and it’s not because of the bombs in the Capitol. It’s because she loves me and a part of her has for a long time. My arm tightens around her shoulder and she rests her head underneath my chin.

We ride in silence until we reach Victor’s Village, where we will be staying. After the War, they took many of the houses and turned them into hotels. Annie set up the reservation for me and chose a nice one that is just three houses down from her. But she said she chose this one because it has a beautiful ocean view from the back porch and a dock that goes down to the water. I think this one may have belonged to Finnick but I dare not ask. When the car pulls up, Katniss and I both gasp.

The buildings look as if they are made of seashells and coral. When the sun hits them, the sight is breathtaking. There is a green tinge to the house and it feels like we are walking under the sea.

The car door opens and someone helps Katniss out. I follow her and Gale is setting our bags on the ground. 

“You still have the communicator?” I nod and show him. He nods and indicates two other men by his side.

“This is Jax and Plius. We won’t be far so let us know if you need anything. I trust you can manage the bags?” My eyes narrow at his sneering tone and I bend down to pick up my duffel, tossing it over my shoulder. For good measure, I grab both of Katniss’s bags and nod to Gale.

“Thanks for your assistance, gentlemen. See you in five days.” And I pull Katniss toward the hotel, not looking back.  
I feel her tug at the bag in my hand and I yank it away.

“Oh Peeta enough with the testosterone fest. He’s gone, so let me carry my bag.”

“I can handle them,” I tell her stiffly and I see her roll her eyes. She holds the door open and we enter the hotel. The lobby is beautiful and ethereal. I can’t believe someone once lived here. A smiling lady beckons us over to the table, where there is a notebook spread open.

“Welcome to Victor’s Hotel. Your name?”

“Peeta and Katniss Mellark.” I see her eyes widen and her hand shakes as she crosses out my name.

“Mr. and Mrs. Mellark, it’s such a pleasure! Here are your keys.” I’m grateful that she’s not making a scene. There are several other customers and I know Katniss would be uncomfortable at any extra attention. I would be lying if I said it wouldn’t bother me too.  
We thank the lady and head upstairs. Along the stairwell, there are photos of former Victors. We both pause in front of a black and white photograph of an older woman with a kind smile.

“Mags,” Katniss whispers. My arm around her waist tightens and we move on down the hall.   
Katniss opens the door to our room and I set our bags down. The room is perfect and I silently thank Annie for suggesting this place.   
The walls look like a living coral and the light cast dancing waves on the walls and the floor. The bed looks comfortable and soft and the window shows a beautiful view of the ocean. Katniss moves to the window and sucks in a breath.

“It’s so beautiful.” I move behind her and wrap my arms around her waist.

“It’s perfect. Being here with you is perfect.” She turns in my arms and drapes her arms over my shoulders. I feel her fingers play with my hair and I press my forehead to hers. 

“Do you want to settle in first or change and go to the beach?”

“What would you like to do,” she purrs and I feel myself harden just from the timbre of her voice. I glance over at the bed and she lets out a playful giggle. I unwind her arms from around my neck and gently toss her on top of the bed. I fall over her, my arms trapping her in my embrace as I lean down to kiss her. We are starting our honeymoon off on a great note.

 

After we clean up and change, Katniss brings our bags into the closet. When they decided to make these houses into hotels, they knocked out walls and made the rooms into suites. We even have a little kitchen and a Jacuzzi tub in our bathroom. Katniss starts to hang our clothes up in the walk-in closet while I unpack our toiletries. 

“Let’s grab our suits and go to the beach,” she calls from the closet. 

“Ok, can you toss me my swim trunks?” She appears in the doorway, already clad in her tiny bathing suit. It isn’t anything spectacular, by Capitol accounts, but the blue material looks beautiful against her olive skin. The top portion ties behind her neck and I barely even notice her scars. I feel my mouth hanging open. 

“Changed my mind,” I say weakly. I see her frown and I gesture toward her. “We can’t go anywhere with you looking like that. I’ll have to pummel anyone who looks at you.” She rolls her eyes but I see her fighting to hide the grin.

“Such a charmer you are, Mr. Mellark.” 

“Well, Mrs. Mellark, can you blame me when I have the most beautiful wife in the world?” She playfully smacks my hand from her hips and shakes her head.

“Get dressed.” She reaches behind me and grabs a pull-over and yanks it over her head. My face softens and I turn away. I was impressed that she was willing to wear something like that in public. It would mean she isn’t worried about her scars anymore. But I remain to be the only person who will see her like this. It means the world to me but I wish she would believe how beautiful she looks. She moves in front of the mirror to braid her hair while I pull my shirt and pants off. My own scars glow in the light but I could really care less. I got the girl; I have no one else to impress.   
When we’re ready, I grab the keys and my sketchbook and we walk, hand in hand, down to the lobby, where we can access the beach. 

The feel of Katniss’s hand in mine makes me feel powerful and loved. For the first time in my life, I’m ok with the stares we are getting. People know who we are and I want them to know that she is all mine. I know our marriage was reported all over Panem. Cressida, actually, was the one who did a report on us after the wedding and told Panem to “respect the privacy of the star-crossed lovers and let them live their happily ever after’s in peace”. We were grateful to her for this and have not seen many cameras around since then. 

Katniss runs into the water happily, screaming and laughing. I watch with a grin from my chair and hold my sketchbook in my lap. The sun is setting and it casts this perfect glow on her skin. My breath is taken away by the sheer beauty of it all.

“Katniss,” I call to her. “Don’t move!” I pick up my pencil and start to draw. I see her shift out of the corner of my eye and I put my pencil down.

“Katniss I told you not to move!”

“Sorry,” she calls back. “The water is cold!”

“Should have thought about that before you went running into it,” I tell her mockingly. I can imagine the glare she is shooting me right now.

The sun is nearly gone when I finish. I wish I had brought my paints with me because this is one of the most spectacular sunsets I have ever seen. Katniss’s dark silhouette gently rocks back and forth on her feet, the water splashing at her knees.

“Peeta,” I hear her teeth chattering. “Can I move now?”

“Yeah,” I say, laughing. She looks like she is about to splash me and I hold my drawing up.

“Hey, don’t ruin my masterpiece!” She runs back to me and drops to her knees beside my chair. I drop the sketch on the sand and pull her into my lap. She straddles me and I can feel her hardened nipples against my bare chest. 

“That was a beautiful sunset,” she mutters as she leans against me. I move her legs over so I am cradling her in my arms.

“I barely noticed,” I reply. “I was looking at something far more beautiful.” She tries to hit me but I capture her hands with mine and bring her fingers to my lips. 

“We watched the sun set on the Victory Tour together. Real or not real?” She sometimes does this to test my memory. The Real or Not Real game helped me in so many ways and she often picks out random little memories to see if I remember. Luckily, I do remember this one. 

We had escaped from Effie and Haymitch for the day. We had just finished making our announcement, feeling the glares of all of District 4. Of the families of the tributes who died so we could live. It was a particularly hard day for Katniss. I don’t know what she was thinking but she was silent the whole time. After our prep teams helped us out of our clothes, I was washing my face when I heard a knock at the door. Katniss was on the other side, her face turned toward the floor.

“Katniss?”

“Come with me.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me from the compartment. I didn’t question her as she lead me away from the train. All I could focus on was the feel of her hand in mine. The way she clutched it like it was her lifeline.   
Our train was parked at the bottom of a hill and she lead me up the steep slope. It wasn’t easy with my prosthetic but I didn’t complain and I still didn’t question her. When we reached the top, my breath was taken away completely.  
The sun was disappearing over the water and all of those beautiful colors were stunning. Katniss brought me down to sit next to her and she leaned against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and our hands were still entwined.

“Katniss, it’s…”

“I thought you would like to see this,” she breathed. “It’s your orange. All those colors, I’d love to see you paint them.” I closed my eyes, feeling my heart race for the girl in my arms. So what if she would never be mine? She was here, in my embrace and for just a moment, I could pretend. 

“Thank you, Katniss.” 

I guess it was because we had moments away from the cameras, but Snow wasn’t able to touch that one. He hadn’t realized my love for Katniss goes deeper than what everyone saw. We got in trouble with Haymitch and Effie of course, when we got back, but it was worth it. I’ll always hold that sunset close to my heart.

I lean over and kiss her cheek.

“Real,” I breathe in her ear. “Still one of my favorite memories. And one of my favorite sunsets.”

“I think this one may be better,” she says softly and she turns to kiss me. My eyes drift close as her lips meld into mine. 

 

We decide we’re both pretty tired that night and order room service for our dinner. We end the night with a bath in that huge tub and we fall into the comfortable bed. She snuggles up to me and falls straight to sleep but I stay up awhile, my thoughts racing. I absentmindedly play with her hair as she dozes on my arm and I turn to glance at her still form. The moonlight casts an otherworldly glow on her skin and I can’t resist leaning forward to kiss her forehead. I’m not sure what time I finally get to sleep that night but I do know I don’t have nightmares. I have this perfect creature, my wife, to thank for that.

 

Five days isn’t enough, we quickly decide. Though we have a wonderful time- we wake up and have lavish breakfasts before we make love all morning, then we go outside and either swim or snorkel or walk along the beach. On day 2 we decide to visit with Annie and Mrs. Everdeen for a little while. The women have tea in Annie’s sitting room while I play with little Finn on the floor. I look up to see Katniss watching me, with a sad smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. I know that Annie sees it too. 

Later that night, after we’ve dressed for bed, Katniss is turned away from me, my arms wrapped around her still form.

“Katniss?” 

‘Mmhm?” She sounds like she is just about to fall asleep and I consider just letting her drift off.

“Why do you think you’ll make a bad mother?” The room is silent and she is still. I want to think that she hasn’t heard me, that she’s fallen asleep but she’s too still to be asleep. My fingers are making patterns on her arms and I try to coax her into moving again. 

“Why do you think I’d make a good mother?” I don’t expect that but I can certainly answer it.

“You took care of your sister better than anyone could. You protect anyone you love, you will fight with your life for your loved ones. I wish you could see yourself at the orphanage, Katniss. Sometimes it’s too sad and beautiful to watch. You are so happy around those kids. You have this…this beautiful glow about you, and all I can imagine is how beautiful you will…would look pregnant,” I correct myself quickly and hurry to continue my explanation. “I know you would do anything for our kids and I often dream of a little girl with your hair and my eyes. I want that with you, Katniss. I’m not saying we’re ready now, cause I know you’re not and we won’t be any time soon but…will you at least think about it? In the future?” I wait for a moment and feel her stiffen even more. I bite my lip and prepare to catch her lest she try to run away from me.

“I couldn’t take care of her,” she says in a low voice choked with tears. I squeeze my eyes shut at the sound of it. “I wasn’t able to protect her. Even when Mom left us, lost in her grief, I couldn’t figure out how to keep my family alive.”

“You were a little girl, Katniss--“

“and I’m too selfish to be a mother,” she persists and I sigh. “No, I am Peeta. I’m selfish and impatient and surly and I am too damaged to have children. We are never going to be free of our flashbacks and our nightmares. We’ll never be free of the past. How can we ask a child to deal with all of that? How can I protect a little baby when you are lost in a flashback? Or when I am waking her up all night, screaming from my nightmares? Don’t you see, Peeta? It’s not that I don’t want a child with you. I just can’t.” 

“Can’t and won’t are two different things, Katniss,” I say a little coldly. I wince at my own tone. “There is no can’t. We have always done everything together. We would do this together too. We figure it out together. And we can do it. I know we can. And I won’t stop asking you. In the future, I’ll ask you again. You said you would never marry and look where we are.”

“This is different, Peeta--“

“How? You change, Katniss. We all do. We have changed and I fall more in love with you every day. Maybe in time, you’ll see what an incredible mother you would make.” She pushes out of my arms and I know instantly I have gone too far. She sits up and drapes her legs over the side of the bed.

“If you think that, Peeta, you need to find someone else to love. Someone who will give you the family you dream of. Because it’s not me. If you’re not happy with just me, tell me now. I’ll return to 12 and you stay here in 4 and find your happy ending that you deserve.” I start to protest but I feel her slide something into my hand and I feel my heart drop out of my chest. This is the second time she has taken this ring off, the one she swore to wear for eternity. I push it back at her and leap off the bed. Stuffing my feet…foot, into my shoes, I grab a robe and my key and bolt out the door. The sound of her sobbing echoes in my ears as I walk along the beach.   
I kick at pebbles in fury, and don’t even notice how beautiful the moon looks over the water. 

I find myself way down the beach and stopping at Annie’s back door. I bite my lip, prepared to turn back but I can just make out a dark shape beside the door. I edge closer and hear quiet crying.

It’s familiar. I know these cries from hours and hours of torment in the Capitol.

“Annie?” Her head jerks up and I hold up my hands.

“I’m sorry! It’s me, Peeta. I- I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Peeta,” she sounds relieved. “What are you doing here?”

“Um…Katniss and I had a fight. I needed some fresh air.”

“Peeta, you should be back in there making up. Not here comforting me.”

“How can I comfort you when I don’t even know what’s wrong?” She pulls her kneels close to her chest and I sit next to her. She looks quite lovely in the moonlight. Her sea-green eyes blink up at me and she sniffs.

“Do you and Katniss still cope with nightmares?”

“I imagine we always will. The Games never leave us. Don’t be ashamed of it.”

“Did he die quickly, Peeta?” I gasp and feel the air around me go cold. 

“Annie…”

“I-I can always hear his screams. In my head, I mean, I don’t really know what happened. And I know he was with you--“

“He died a hero, Annie. That’s it.” She sniffs and rubs her face.

“Did he…talk about me? On the mission?”

“He did. He kept a picture of you and told us about how much he loved you. But he knew what he was doing. He wanted revenge for what they did to you. He wanted to bring down the Capitol, for all its depravity, and he did it.” I feel her head on my shoulder and her tears wet my hand. In all honesty I don’t remember much about that night. I was too busy fighting the hijacking and resisting the urge to strangle Katniss in her sleep. I remember they chained me up when we weren’t moving, because I was a danger to her. But I requested it. I knew I had to keep myself grounded somehow. Finnick and I talked late into the night and he gave me his rope. When we were attacked by the mutts, I was focused on getting Katniss out of there. Something was after her and my biggest fear was that Snow would turn me on her with the other mutts. I tried to stay with the group but it got so confusing and there wasn’t much I could do. I don’t think I knew about Finnick until after we had reached Tigris’s house. And once I looked around our tiny group, I just wanted to die too.

Finnick. Castor. Jackson. Leeg. Messalla. Homes. Boggs.

They were all gone. And how I wished I could join them.  
I reach out and wrap my arm around Annie’s shoulder.

“Life has a way of bringing things back to you, Annie. All you have to do is look into that little boy’s eyes for you to know that to be true. Finnick is still with you and he always will be. And once Finn is old enough, he will learn what a true hero his daddy was.” Annie covers her eyes and cries into my arms. I hold her and let the tears come. Too many times I heard her cry in the Capitol and couldn’t do a thing about it. I was bound to a metal table or chained to the wall. I heard hers and Johanna’s screams and pleaded for the peacekeepers to stop. I begged and wailed and sobbed and I was forced to watch as the peacekeepers violated, tortured, mangled, and destroyed so many. 

I rub her back soothingly and get lost in the feeling of her holding me so tightly. It’s how Katniss clutches me after a nightmare.  
Katniss. Is she still at the hotel? Would she have left?   
No. But I need to get back to her.  
How can I leave Annie though?   
I try to pull away but her grip on me tightens and I sink into her embrace. Katniss will understand. I imagine Annie will call her in the morning and tell her all about it.  
So I hold the young woman for as long as she wants me to.


	52. Chapter 52

The sounds of Annie’s sobs and Peeta’s soothing words follow me as I hurry back to our hotel. I had followed Peeta out here and rounded the corner to find him holding and rocking Annie.  
How can I possibly be angry with him? She needs comfort and it’s because of me that she has no one. That precious little boy is growing up without a father and her husband died on a make-shift mission to kill Snow.   
It’s my fault.  
How tired I am of that sentence. And yet I can’t shake that feeling away.   
Still, the image of Peeta holding Annie haunts me. She’s only a little older than he is but he would get the family that he’s wanting. Finn already loves him…Peeta would make a wonderful father to the boy.  
And Annie…she is so sweet and vulnerable. Not snappish and mean, like me. True she’s a little lost in the head but then aren’t we all? Price of being a Victor.  
I let myself back into the room and collapse on the bed. I don’t stay awake to listen to see if Peeta comes home. 

When I wake up, the bed is empty.  
Fighting the tears in my eyes, I hurriedly dress and grab my key.   
I briefly consider going to see my mother but I really don’t want to go into the whole thing with her. We are doing a little bit better each time we see each other and I have a feeling if we talk about children and Peeta and how I don’t deserve him, I may become angry with whatever she has to say.  
I’d like to go talk to Annie but Peeta is probably still over there and…the idea of him sleeping over there makes me want to cry even harder.  
Did she invite him into her bed to hold her? Did he kiss away her tears, as he does to me?   
I shake my head and find myself in the lobby. The concierge smiles at me.

“Good morning, Mrs. Mellark.” Oh that’s right. Not Everdeen. Mellark. Katniss Mellark. I glance down at my wedding ring and feel a pang in my heart.

“Morning. Um, can you give me a list or anything of the hotel’s activities?”

“Certainly Madame. What sort of things are you interested in?”

“I’m not sure. I’d just like to see what there is to do. My husband has some business to take care of so I’ll be by myself for the day.”

“May I suggest a massage? Our masseuse works wonders. Would you like to book an appointment?” A massage. Well, Peeta usually gives me massages but I haven’t had one in quite awhile. And it does sound nice.

“Yes thank you.” 

 

“Mrs. Mellark. What a pleasure.” I stop at the handsome man in front of me. Peeta has always been handsome to me but this man is a Finnick Odair kind of handsome.   
VERY attractive. He even has some of Finnick’s features, with bronze curls and bright sea-green eyes. He has a chiseled jaw line and he is very tanned.   
I think back to my blonde-haired, blue-eyed baker and I sigh. I wish Peeta was here with me. I miss him already.   
I shake the man’s hand and he gestures me into the room. It isn’t very big but he has a table with a cloth draped over it and a tray of oils and lotions. 

“And will Mr. Mellark be joining you?”

“No, he has some business to attend to.” 

“Pity. I must say I am surprised that he is ok with you going off on your own.” I scowl.

“I survived two Hunger Games and a war. I can take care of myself.”

“I have no doubts, my dear lady. I was referring to the fact that everyone’s’ eyes remain locked on you. Your beauty and talents are talked about and unmatched.” I blush.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Peeta is the one with the beauty and talents.” 

“I suppose you don’t know the sort of effect you have,” he says lightly and I stiffen. He doesn’t seem to notice and his hand goes to the collar of my robe.

“Please disrobe.” Hesitantly, I remove my robe and he folds it over a chair. He looks at me expectantly and my hands flex at my sides.

“Mrs. Mellark, please trust me. I am an expert at these matters and assure you, you have nothing to be ashamed of.” Um, what? What does he expect me to do?   
His eyes scan my body and I gasp.

“I’ll keep my clothes on, thank you.”

“Come now, Mrs. Mellark. I will keep a towel over you but this will be much more pleasurable if you disrobe completely.”  
Oh not a chance. 

“I’m not sure my husband would like that very much,” I say with an edge to my voice. He shrugs.

“Suit yourself. At least remove your shirt for me? Your pressure points are your shoulders and your spine, particularly, so I need to access those at least.” This guy is so full of it! And I don’t want him to see my scars. Peeta is the only one who has seen them.   
I sigh and rip my shirt off. I cover my chest and glare at him. He motions to the table and I settle myself on my stomach. I feel his hands at my shoulders and I sink into the table.

“Ahh,” I let out involuntarily. I feel his fingers trace my spine and I close my eyes, giving into the delicious sensations. Peeta gives great massages but this man’s hands are pure magic. I feel his fingers working at my back and then I feel something strange.  
My bra slides down my arm.

“Hey!” I try to sit up but remember I am now topless.  
Damn it.   
Grumbling, I press myself even further into the table so there is no chance of him seeing anything. 

“Relax, Katniss,” he whispers in my ear. I scowl again. Who does this guy think he is? Suddenly his hands don’t even feel that wonderful.   
They move down my spine and into my sweat pants.

“That’s it,” I rear up and grab my bra to hold it in place. “Keep your hands to yourself, sir! I did bring my bow with me!” 

“My apologies, Mrs. Mellark. I am trained in sensual massage therapy and feel like this is too unorthodox for you. May I continue?” I narrow my eyes before lying back down but I notice someone standing beside the table, in front of me.  
I look up and swallow as I look into the glowering face of my husband.

“Mr. Mellark,” the masseur says cheerfully. “Your wife said you were taking care of some business.”

“Yeah I bet she did.” I glare up at him and he glares right back at me.   
Lovely.

“Would you like to join us?”

“I don’t think so but I think I’ll continue this massage in our room, if you don’t mind.” Before either of us have a chance to respond, Peeta is lifting me off the table and cradles me in his arms. He nods to the masseur and carries me up the stairs to our room. I huff.

“Peeta, put me down.”

“And let everyone see you topless? No thanks.” 

“Peeta!” He pushes the door open and drops me onto the bed, none too gently.

“What the hell was that, Peeta?”

“What the hell was that, Katniss? Sorry if I interrupted something--“

“Oh be quiet,” I snap. “If you had arrived a second earlier, you would have heard me threatening that prick.”

“Then you’re a tease,” he sneers. “Taking your top off for him and not letting him get any further--“ 

“Peeta Mellark, you shut the hell up right now,” I sit up on my knees and glare at him. My bra and shirt lay to the side, discarded, and my fists are clenched at my side.   
“I told him no, I would not get undressed and then he took my bra off without my permission. I couldn’t move or he would see me. And for your information, I was about to cut it early because I was missing you, you asshole! I was going to look for you but didn’t know if you were still at Annie’s.” I’ve surprised him, I can tell. His eyes widen and his face softens slightly.

“How…how did you--“

“Oh you didn’t want anyone to see you two cuddling last night?”

“We weren’t cuddling, Katniss, you know that--” 

“You were holding onto each other pretty tightly,” I press on, ignoring his hurt expression. “Did you hold her after she fell asleep? Did you carry her to bed? Did you stay with her?”  
He looks as if I’ve just slapped him.

“Katniss, no. No, it was nothing like that. I just needed to take a walk and then I wound up at her house. I heard her crying and she started asking about Finnick. I knew she needed a friend and I held her while she cried. After she fell asleep, I put her in her bed and I went and found a chair on the beach. I didn’t mean to fall asleep but I was just exhausted from everything. I came back this morning and found you gone and I panicked. So I asked the concierge if she had seen you and she said you had booked a massage. I’m sorry if I overreacted.” I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly aware that I’m topless. His eyes flicker downwards and then back at my face and he swallows. I sigh and sink forward onto the bed. I bury my face in the covers and let the tears fall. He sinks down beside me and I feel his hand on my head, stroking my hair.

“I kept thinking,” I choke out, “You…you and Annie--“

“Katniss,” he says in an exasperated. “You…that’s crazy. Insane, really. I don’t know how many times I have to say it, how many ways I have to prove my love, but damn it, can you just believe me for once? Can you believe me when I say I don’t ever want anyone else? It’s you or no one. Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” I say meekly, without looking at him. 

“Come here.” I feel him tug me up but I don’t help him. He drags my limp body into his lap and he pushes my hair away from my face.

“I don’t need children to be happy,” he says softly. “I only need you.”

“You say that now but you said yourself that you’ll keep asking me.”

“I was upset. See it from my side, Katniss. You don’t want to have my children. MY children.” I frown.

“That has nothing to do with---“

“I keep feeling inadequate, like I can’t possible be enough for you and you don’t want to have children with me because you don’t think I’d be able to protect you all.”

“That couldn’t be farther from the truth,” I tell him. His eyes fall and I grip his face. “Look at me. That’s not true, Peeta. I don’t feel enough for you. I don’t feel like I could protect kids. I know you’d make the perfect father. Which is another reason I’m just too selfish. Because even though I want you to be happy and find someone to have a family with, I selfishly want you to myself.” He presses his forehead to mine and sighs deeply.

“You have me. For as long as you want me, you have me.”

“Then be prepared for more stupid arguments and more soft kisses and more cups of hot chocolate before we go to bed and more games of Real or Not Real, and more memory book, and more of my nightmares, because I will never not want you.” He tilts my chin a little and kisses me. It starts off sweet and soft and then turns into something heavier and more passionate. My fingers move up to grip his hair and his hand moves down to my waist. I break the kiss and give him a sly grin.

“Since you interrupted my massage, I’ll need you to finish it.” His brow raises high and he smirks.  
“Alright but I warn you, I study sensual massage therapy,” he says in a deep voice and I hit his chest. He laughs and it fills the room with light. I love the sound of his deep laugh.

“I knew you were there listening to that. You ass.” 

“I wanted to clap when I heard you telling him you brought your bow. But, well, your bra was sort of hanging off and I could see your breast peeking out--“ I hit him again and he chuckles. He moves off the bed and rubs his hands together.

“Ok. Please disrobe and lie down for me.”

“Like I told him, I’ll keep my clothes on, thank you.” 

“Oh no you won’t,” I raise my brow at him and he smirks again. “Hurting my feelings requires some kind of payback. I can never get enough of touching your naked body so I’ll take that as an appropriate reward. Strip.” I cross my arms over my bare chest and stare up at him. His hands go to his waist as he taps his foot impatiently.

“You can tap your foot all you---AHHH!” I’m thrown onto my back and my pants are yanked down my legs. He holds me down with one hand while his other rips at my underwear. He leans back, looking satisfied.

“Much better.”

“You are such an asshole,” I growl, attempting to cover myself. He climbs onto the bed and holds my face in his hands while he kisses me. He plants kisses all over my face before coming back to my lips.

“I can’t help it if you are perfect in every single way,” he says between kisses. 

“Fine then. Put those baker hands all over me.” 

I don’t even know how long we have been going at it when I feel myself clench around him for the fourth time that morning and he pulls at my braid and wraps it around his hand.

“God, Katniss! Fuck, you are perfect!” I reach back and squeeze his thigh as he continues to plunder my body. I feel him come deep inside me and he stills, resting his forehead on my back. 

“Damn,” he pants, breathless. He slips out of me and pulls me to lie down beside him. I snuggle up close and push his damp hair away from his face. He opens his eyes and I suck in a breath at how brilliantly blue they are. Even when we were little, I was always struck at how blue his eyes were. You don’t see many blue eyes in the Seam. Prim and my mother were rare exceptions and blue eyes were just a mark of the Merchant class. But I saw Peeta’s stunning blue eyes watching me many times. At school, when I would go to the bakery to trade with his father, even when I brought Prim to look at the cakes in the windows. 

That beautiful azure hue calms me and reminds me of the peaceful waves here in 4. Much like Peeta, the ocean has been calm and tranquil and safe. I lean down to kiss him and my hand lingers on his fair cheek.

“So, what’s on our agenda for today,” he asks softly.

“Whatever you want to do,” I tell him. 

“I was thinking we could go walk around town and have some lunch in one of those sea-side diners.” I kiss him again and smile.

“Sounds perfect.” 

 

That day and the following day are pretty perfect. District 4 really is beautiful and Annie gave us some great suggestions of where to go. For dinner we ate at a cute place that was actually on the side of the cliff, overlooking the sea. Afterwards, Peeta wanted to check out a little bar that was actually on the beach, called Paradise Cove. Neither of us drank anything but we he did pull me out into the surf to dance. 

My dress hiked up to my knees and his pants rolled up, he carried my sandals in one hand while his other was wrapped around my waist. We walked along the beach for awhile before heading back to the hotel. 

Neither of us really want to leave. I think I could probably stay in 4 forever, if I was allowed to. I don’t mention it to Peeta but of course he knows what’s bothering me. Once again, I feel like he is stuck in 12, with me. He assures me wherever I am, that’s home for him. 

Our last night of our honeymoon, Peeta orders lots of room service, which includes champagne. I’m careful and only have half a glass but Peeta has a little bit more. He assures me he’s fine and he pulls me in for a kiss to show me he isn’t drunk. 

“It’s our last night,” he says in a low voice. “What do you want to do?” 

“What were you thinking,” I ask him with a wink. He raises a brow.

“I didn’t know if you’d want to go to the beach or take a walk or--“

“Stay in the hotel room with you,” I finish for him and his lips curve into an adorable smile.

“Yeah, that works too.” I kiss him before I make to stand up. 

“I’ll be right back.” He tries to grab me but I raise my brow at him and disappear into the bathroom.

Cinna’s lingerie still sits in my bag. Even though we have had a lot of sex on this trip, and it’s all been wonderful, I haven’t thought to wear anything special.   
I dig through the bag and select the least scandalous of them all. I shove the others to the bottom of the bag, thinking one of them will make a great birthday present for him, and start to pull the busier on.   
It’s red and orange satin, definitely reminding me of the flames that Cinna dressed me in often. The ribbon wraps around my neck and makes my breasts look full and somewhat large. Unfortunately this one laces up in the back and after several attempts, I give up and leave the stays loose. I consider asking Peeta for help but why would I ask him to tie me into it, when he is just going to take it right back off as soon as he sees me?  
I leave my hair loose around my shoulders and pull on the black thigh highs and clunky heels. I was never good at walking in heels but I figure I’ll only be in them for a few seconds anyway. I hear a knock at the door and I start at the noise.

“Katniss? You ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine. The, uh, champagne kind of got to me.” 

“Ok. I’m here if you need me.” 

“I know,” I say with a smile. I check my reflection one more time before I open the door.

Peeta is sitting on the edge of the bed, with his sketchbook in his lap, and is still fully dressed. I lick my lips and try not to fall on my face as I stalk toward him.   
He doesn’t even look up when I stand directly in front of him. His face is screwed up in concentration and his hand moves quickly across the paper.

“Hang on one second, I just need to…” he loses his words as soon as his eyes leave the paper. I watch him slowly lift his head, taking me all in. When his eyes meet mine, they are wide and full of smoldering desire. 

“Holy shit, Katniss,” he says in a husky voice. I have no idea what to do with my hands so they just rest on my thighs.

“Good or bad?” I can’t help but sound a little apprehensive.

He tosses the sketchpad aside and his hands go to my waist, pulling me toward him. He buries his face in my stomach and my hand moves to his soft curls. He lets out a little moan against the satin as his hands move down to my legs, and start trailing up my thighs. His hand continues to move up, slowly, making my skin prickle with want, until he stops and I see his eyes widen even more as he realizes I’m not wearing underwear with this costume. He yanks me forward and I straddle his lap, grinding against him and feeling him harden quickly. Our lips and teeth clash together almost painfully as I grip his shirt, my fingers quickly working at the buttons. I yank his shirt off and slide it down his strong arms, taking a moment to enjoy the view of his chiseled chest. His lips are sucking at my neck and move to nip at my ear and I gasp as I grind down further onto him. He lets out a growl that makes me need to clench my thighs together. 

Though our kisses are fierce and passionate, we are in no real hurry to strip our clothes away. Indeed, Peeta seems to want to keep me in this for as long as possible. I move off of him and continue to kiss him as my fingers work at the belt and his zipper. I tug his pants off and he kicks them aside, before I sit on his lap again. I grasp him through his boxers and he bites down on my neck. I let out a cry of surprise and squeeze him a little harder than I intended to. I turn around, and continue my awkward dance but somehow, he seems to be getting harder underneath me. I wonder if he will stop me when it gets to be too much. His hands wrap around me and pull the bustier down so he can access my breasts. I feel his hand between my legs and I spread them wider, trembling as his fingers tease me. He groans against my back.

“Katniss, fuck, you are so wet for me.” 

“Mmmhm,” I moan, squeezing my eyes shut as he spreads my arousal with his thumb. He spreads my lower lips apart, exposing my clit to the cold air and I bite my lip to keep from crying out. When I feel him flick it with his fingers, I squeeze my legs together again but he pushes them apart. Quick as a flash, he is picking me up and setting me on the edge of the bed.

“I have to taste you,” he says in a low voice. He pulls my legs over his shoulder and dives right in. Literally. I have a feeling these heels will leave marks on his back.

“Oh! Oh god!” I fall backwards on the soft bed and he yanks me forward even more so he can continue to devour me. I have a feeling this will be one of those nights that Peeta keeps me screaming his name again and again. In truth I love to see that smug little grin whenever I come with his name on my lips. I can see how proud he is of himself. More than that, I can see the love in his eyes and even slight shock that he can do that to me. He’s told me before that he used to dream of me in this way. I can’t lie and say I did too when I was young but I did have dreams like this on the Victory Tour and even in 13.   
I reach down and yank on his hair and he emits a growl as he takes my clit between his teeth. My legs are trembling on his back and my hips jerk off the bed.

“Peeta!” I look down to see him watching me, his eyes darkened to a deeper shade of blue. I try to hold on longer but he smirks up at me and curves his fingers inside me.

“Let go, baby,” he whispers as he returns to his destination. My hips jerk up as I clench around his fingers and he lets me ride out my orgasm, his tongue making delicate patterns around my folds. My legs fall and I lie, limp and useless. Peeta moves up to kiss me and brings his fingers to my mouth. It’s strange at first but then I am sucking myself off of him and his eyes darken even more.

“Fuck,” he whispers as he bites his lip. God I love how dirty his mouth gets when we get like this. It just reminds me that only I will ever see this side of him. The sweet, charming Peeta that everyone knows from TV is actually a bad boy in the bedroom. My fingers trail over his lip and I bring him down for a kiss. I force my tongue inside his mouth and he moans into the kiss, bringing my hands over my head and holding my wrists down. It’s hard to tell which one of us is more dominating at this point. It’s like we are trying to out-do the other. I take his lower lip between my teeth and tug gently and he gasps loudly, his eyes flying open. I start to move down his body and I gently nip at his tented shorts. But he grabs me and pulls me back up.

“No. Not yet. There’s still so much I want to do with you.” He moves off the bed and I watch him grab something from his bag while I slip the heels off. He sits back down and I notice he is holding the box from Johanna.

“You brought Johanna’s gifts?” His eyes sparkle.

“I thought we might figure them out together.” I nod and he reaches in for the various items. It looks like he has brought everything but I’m still a little nervous about the blindfold and the riding crop. He sets everything aside and removes the rubber ring last. He quickly reads the directions on the box before he picks it up.

“Here, you read.” Reading is the last thing I want to be doing now but I want us to both be comfortable. I quickly read what it has to say and I nod to show I understand. With the ring, comes a tiny little silver bullet that is supposed to attach to the ring for ‘enhanced pleasure for the female’. We try to fit the ring around Peeta (with a lot of awkward stumbling and nervous giggles) and it is supposedly supposed to help him maintain his erection longer. However, he looks nervous and keeps looking down at himself. 

“I…I don’t think I can do this,” he stutters. 

“Love, it’s just a toy,” I assure him. “it’s just for fun. For us.”

“I know but…” he bites his lip uncertainly. “I, um…I feel really weird with this on. Like…more of a machine than I already am,” I glance down at him and am surprised that he is still so hard, given how uncomfortable he is. I guess it really works. I move down between his legs and take him into my mouth.

“Peeta, I love you,” I say as I run my tongue along his length. “All of you.” He moans as I keep up the light teasing. “Every. Single. Inch.”  
The ring is at the base of his shaft so I don’t take him all in but I notice his grunts and moans when I swirl my tongue around his head. He reaches down and fists my hair with both of his hands. I release him and throw my legs over him, sinking over him swiftly. He throws his head back and groans when we are connected and he reaches to the side for a little black remote. I am about to ask what it’s for but then a buzzing sound fills my head and I’ve got my answer. I feel the vibrations and I feel like I am about to explode already. He thrusts up into me and every time the bullet hits my clit I scream out. He clicks the remote and the vibrations only increase.

“Oh my FUCK, Peeta!” He grunts in agreement as his hands grip my hips before moving up to my bouncing breasts. I grind against him and feel the vibrations deep inside me. Holy shit this is fantastic. Thank you Johanna!   
Ok, bad time to be thinking of her but we would never have tried this on our own. I come hard and he continues to thrust up into me.   
I come two more times and he has switched us into several different positions. As he thrusts into me from behind, he reaches around and rubs at me with fast circles. 

“Katniss! Fuck, I’m coming--“ I feel his warmth deep inside me and we both collapse on the bed. Panting and heaving, we are unable to move and I don’t notice him squashing me into the covers. After a few minutes I feel him shift off of me and he grunts loudly. He clicks the remote and the vibrations cease.

“Now how do I get this damn thing off?” I giggle as I try to help him. He winces as we manage to pull it off and he shakes his head.

“Never again.”

“Really? I quite enjoyed it.”

“You can wear it next time then.” I laugh and shake my head.

“Don’t think that would work so well. What else did you bring?” 

“I dunno, the whole box. I just need a minute. Or ten.” Smiling, I lean down to kiss him and his hands are in my hair.

“Take some time. I could use a snack.” My stomach is now growling loudly so I run to get the tray of room service that came up earlier. There’s still a few sandwiches and a couple of strawberries and apple slices.  
I have fun feeding Peeta the fruit and teasing him by sliding it between my lips. He lets out a growl that lets me know he is quite ready to go again.   
He reaches over for the handcuffs and I bite my lip.

“Not for you. For me,” he says softly and my eyes widen. He holds them out to me and waits.

“Please?” he adds.

“Are you sure?”

“We’re trying new things tonight,” he shrugs. “And I trust you.” I nod and quickly attach his wrists to the headboard. I don’t like it. It’s like seeing him in the Capitol all over again, chained to keep himself sane and safe. His eyes meet mine and he smiles, even as he tugs at his cuffs.

I reach over for the blindfold and he gasps as I cover his face. I gently spread his legs wider and he whimpers as my hand brushes against his growing arousal. I pick up a strawberry from the tray and bring it to his lips. His tongue darts out to taste the sweet fruit and I trail the juices over his lips and chin. When I’ve had enough of the teasing, I lean down to lick at his lips and taste the juice on his skin. It’s all too much for me. So many delicious sensations and the perfect combination of the fruit and the sweet taste of Peeta. 

He pulls at his chains as I kiss my way down his chest. My tongue swirls around his nipple and around his bellybutton. His breathing grows heavy and ragged and his toes curl against the blankets. 

Ok, maybe I like this control. Seeing him like this is doing something to me. 

“K-Katniss,” he whines. I place a kiss at the tip of his arousal and smile up at him.

“What do you want, Peeta,” I say in a low voice, trying my best to sound sexy. At the very least seductive. I’m not too good at this sort of thing but Peeta has spent many nights asking me what I want.  
It’s high time I ask him what he wants for a change.

“I…I want you to be in control,” he says in a shaking voice. “I want you to…punish me.”   
This is not what I expected. I start to lift the blindfold off but he shakes his head.

“Please Katniss.” He sounds stronger and desperate. “Punish me. Use the riding crop and your hands and your mouth to punish me.”   
I hesitate for a moment. Why does he want to be punished? And why am I the one to punish him?  
He trusts me. He told me that. I pick up the riding crop and he gasps as I trail it across his skin.   
I hit him, lightly at first. He squirms and shakes. 

“Harder,” he gasps. So I slap his chest and he groans. 

“Yes!”   
I repeat my actions and he writhes underneath me. 

“Katniss!” 

“Mistress,” I snap. I pause. What the hell am I saying?  
I am not this girl. But something has taken over me and I am allowing myself to be changed.  
To become Mistress Katniss.   
He chews on his lip and I see his fingers flex in the cuffs.

“M-Mistress. Please.” 

“Please what, Peeta?”

“Please put your mouth on me.” I oblige, licking and sucking my way down his perfect form.   
I leave marks, letting the world know that he belongs to me.  
The crop leaves marks as well. I more enjoy leaving them with my teeth.  
He cries out every time I hit him. The chains rattle when I suck at his flesh. 

“Please Mistress Katniss,” he pants. “I need you.”

“I’m not finished with you yet,” I tell him before taking him into my mouth again. He lets out a deep groan and I smile against his skin. I lick and suck until I have him on the brink and then I pull away.  
He lets out a frustrated cry, which I reward with the crop. I take him into my hand and I have him so close before I let him go.

“Katniss!”

“Mistress Katniss,” I remind him with a hard slap of my riding crop. 

“Ah! Mistress Katniss,” he corrects himself. 

“Who is your Mistress, Peeta?” I move up to his face and use my hands and the strength in my legs to hover over him.

“You are.”

“WHO?”

“You, Mistress Katniss!” I sink on top of him and feel his tongue along my slit.  
Why the hell can’t I stop this?

“What do you want, Peeta?” He doesn’t answer (not that he really can) but he groans against my skin and I buck my hips, grinding down onto his face. His nose hits my clit every time I move and my nails scratch down his sides. 

“What do you want, Peeta? Answer your Mistress!” I raise off of him and he gasps, his chin glistening with my arousal. 

“I want you, Mistress. To be inside you.” He cries out when I move down his body and sink over him again and I ride him fiercely. But I grab the riding crop and snap it over his already-red skin.   
I don’t notice it happening. I don’t notice the changes and I hate myself afterwards for not paying closer attention.  
He is crying.  
His whimpers and moans get louder and he is shaking his head. He thrashes underneath me and I don’t even notice when he finishes. I aim for my own release.   
When I find it, I collapse on his chest and he seems to recoil away from me.   
I take notice of his whimpers and I remove his blindfold. But his eyes are squeezed shut.

“Peeta?” I reach up to stroke his hair but he jerks away from me. 

“Peeta? What’s wrong?”

“No,” he moans. “Please…don’t.” 

“Don’t what? Peeta, look at me.” I take his face in my hands but he only seems to panic at this. 

“Please stop,” he is openly sobbing now. “Please…just leave me alone!”   
I finally understand. I have sent him into a flashback.  
What is he seeing? Me hurting him is the probably answer. Whatever the Capitol made him see. Whatever twisted version of me the Capitol made him watch. Oh Peeta. What have I done to you? 

“Peeta,” my voice softens and my caresses are gentle. I quietly try to coax him back to me. 

“Peeta, come back to me.”

“Please,” he sobs. “I love her. Please just stop.”

“I love you, Peeta. I’m here. I’ll never leave you.” And I start to cry. I throw myself over him, wrapping my arms around him, shielding him from the horrors he has had to endure. That he is enduring again, because of me.   
This flashback is worse than any I have seen. I almost wish he would become violent and try to kill me.   
Then I remember he is handcuffed.  
I can remedy that. I deserve whatever he does to me.  
I don’t deserve him.  
I sob on his chest and feel his heart race underneath my cheek.

“I’m sorry, Peeta,” I whimper. “I love you. And I don’t deserve your love. Come back to me, please. I need my husband. I’m lost without you.”   
What seems like years and probably only just minutes, I feel him shift underneath me and hear my name.

“Katniss?” I look up into his face, which is scared and confused.

“What…what happened?” 

“You don’t remember?” His face falls.

“Did I have a flashback? Did I…did I hurt you?”

“No! No, I hurt you!” His brow furrows.

“I don’t understand.” 

“ I can’t…I shouldn’t be here, Peeta.” 

“What?” 

“You talk about how dangerous you are to me. But I am far more dangerous to you, Peeta!”

“Katniss, what-?” I am sobbing uncontrollably and I see him tug at the cuffs. He glances up at his hands, then back at me. I watch his eyes widen in horror, and a look of comprehension cross his face.

“Katniss--“ it’s a warning. He knows what I’m doing even before I do. 

“I have to go.” I grab a robe, which is the only thing I have time for, before Peeta starts to yell.

“Katniss don’t you fucking dare! Don’t you dare leave me like this!” 

“I’ll send someone to unchain you in the morning,” I barely get out the words but he freezes when he hears me. I’ll be long gone by then. It’s unspoken but we both know what I’m saying. “I’m…I’m sorry.”

“Katniss! Katniss, stop!”

But I can’t. I have to get away. I can’t believe what I have done. I finally understand what he feels when he goes into a flashback. How he must have felt when he hurt me in the past. How he feels when he has seen what he has done.   
I close our door behind me and ignore his angry cries. I can hear the chains rattling and I squeeze my eyes shut.  
I have to get out of here.   
Where? Where can I go that he won’t find me?   
I’m actually running away from my husband.  
Like some kind of coward.   
Where can I go?   
I consider Annie’s house.  
I can’t take my grief to her.   
My mother? I haven’t been able to confide in her in years.   
I feel sand underneath my feet and notice I am on the beach.  
How did I get here?  
It doesn’t matter. The water surrounds my feet, greeting me.  
Bidding me to come in.   
I look out into the waves.   
It really is beautiful. Peaceful. Inviting.   
I start to walk forward and feel the cold water at my chest. The robe is dragging me down but then I really don’t care. I walk further in until I taste salt on my lips.  
I love you Peeta.   
I close my eyes and duck my head underneath the waves.   
The last thing I see is a pair of gorgeous blue eyes, filled with tears.   
He turns to me and smiles, his teeth white and winning.

“I love you,” he says to me and he holds out his arms. 

A tuft of dark hair peeks out of his arms. When I come closer, I see a pair of matching blue eyes looking up at me.  
I gasp, swallowing salt water and I choke.   
I love you, Peeta.

“I love you, Peeta.” I try to say it aloud but it’s just garbled words. 

I say them in my heart.


	53. Chapter 53

I am vaguely aware of someone slapping my cheek. Something heavy is pressing on my chest.

“Katniss,” I hear my name. “Come on, breathe.”   
I am breathing. I can’t speak, though. The pressure comes again.

“Breathe, dammit!” I gasp and immediately start to retch. I’m turned over onto my stomach and soothing hands are rubbing my back.

“Oh god, Katniss.” I hear the pain in the voice and I wince. I finish retching salt water and lie down in the sand.

“Can you pick her up?”

“Yeah, is the car here yet? We need to get her to her mother.”

“Are you sure it wouldn’t be better to take her to the hospital?” No. I hate hospitals.

“Katniss hates hospitals. Her mother can help her.” 

“Alright. You are her husband, you get to decide where we take her. There it is.” 

“Did you grab a change of clothes for her like I asked?”

“They’re in the car.”   
Someone lifts me and I am pressed against a warm chest. I register something cold against my leg, where the person holds me. And then I feel a kiss on my forehead.

“You’re not leaving me yet,” the voice says. “You promised, to love me and stand by my side, until the end of your days. And that’s not today. So you need to wake up and look at your husband. You are my world, Katniss Mellark.” I don’t answer. I can’t. I am silent as he holds me in his arms, and we ride to what I assume is my mother’s house.

Mom knows I am faking it. She opens my eyes and checks me over.

“Peeta, she just needs rest. Why don’t you go to the guest room and get some sleep?”

“I’m not leaving her.”

“Then why don’t you go make us some tea? And you can tell me what happened.” I hear his heavy footsteps move away and I hear my mother sigh.

“Alright Katniss, he’s gone. You can stop pretending now and tell me why you are scaring the wits out of your husband.”

“Mom,” I say with a scratchy voice. “I don’t deserve him.”

“Oh Katniss. That boy loves you. More than anyone has ever loved a person. I see it in his eyes.”

“He’s too good for me. I just want to be dead. Why am I not dead?”

“Because you have a life to live,” she says firmly, as she pushes my hair out of my eyes. “And you need to start living it. Stop worrying about what might have been or what has happened in the past but start living for your future. Your future is right downstairs, terrified for you. He loves you Katniss and you need to understand that love will not just disappear. Nor will it be swayed by your rash decisions.” She pats my arm and leaves the room. I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling tears stream down my cheeks. I feel a roughened hand wipe the tears away and I stiffen.

“You don’t have to tell me right now,” he says softly. “But someday I want to know what the hell went through your head tonight. You’ll tell me and we’ll laugh about it, about how stupid we were. But this isn’t the end of us, Katniss. You feel like you don’t deserve me and I feel like I don’t deserve you. But you get angry with me whenever I try to tell you how you are feeling. So stop doing it with me. I love you and I can’t believe that you just…I can’t believe you, Katniss.” More tears come at his words and he continues to wipe them away.

“Can you just do one thing for me?” Anything. 

“Open your eyes and look at me.” I hesitate, still pretending to be asleep. But finally, I obey and am met with tear-filled baby blues. 

Like the ocean all over again. And I remember what I’ve done. I walked into the water, intending for it to take me away.

Away from Peeta.

What kind of horrible selfish person am I?

I reach up and swipe my thumb across his cheek, wiping away his tears. He holds my hand to his face and he weeps openly. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper and he shakes his head.

“I don’t want to hear it. I’m just dumbfounded that you actually thought…” he can’t even finish a sentence, he is so upset. His body shakes with sobs as he presses kisses to my palm. “You promised,” he whispers. “You promised me we would try to live happily, and to not let our past destroy us anymore. You made me a promise that you would never do something like this again. Katniss…I can’t…I can’t lose you…I can’t…”

I whisper an ‘I love you’ before I am taken away by sleep.

 

I wake again to a sore throat and aches and pains in my chest. My hand is enclosed in something and I realize it is Peeta’s larger hand. I start to say something when I hear someone else enter the room.

“How is she?”

“Mrs. Everdeen said she didn’t swallow a lot of water and she just needs some rest. Did you and the other guard bring our bags here?”

“Yeah, everything is downstairs.”

“Thanks Gale.”

“What happened tonight, Peeta? Did she…did she try…?”

“No,” Peeta says sharply. “No, she was going for a late night swim and the wave took her under. I found her swimming to shore.”   
Why is he lying? To protect me, I realize. Gale works for the government now. He could take me into custody and have me carted back to the Capitol. Not that I believe he would but Peeta doesn’t want anyone to ever think badly of me.

Another reason he is just too good for this world. 

“I’m going to make a call to Paylor and let her know Katniss is doing better.”

“You told her?”

“Any time something happens to one of you, President Paylor wants to know. You two are still--“

“Yeah yeah, national symbols. I know.”

“No you don’t know,” Gale’s voice is raised and angry. “You don’t know what you both mean to Panem. We say she has no idea of the effect she has but you don’t either. Your safety and well-being mean everything to Paylor. And that includes your sanity.” 

“Well thanks for that Gale but I think my sanity was lost a long time ago, with the last president,” Peeta says drily. 

“You’re better Peeta. And so is she. You’re good for each other. You help each other. It was never a competition. It was always going to be you.” I hear Peeta suck in a breath and Gale must leave the room. But then I hear his voice again and Peeta and I both hold our breaths.

“I’ll keep her secret for you,” he says softly. “By the way, you might want to find a key for those. I don’t imagine handcuffs are too comfortable, especially when you find your wife having a late night swim.” I hear Peeta gasp and Gale’s footsteps on the stairs.   
Peeta pushes a strand of hair out of my eyes and I feel his soft lips on my forehead. He lays his hand on my arm and I feel the cold feeling again. The handcuffs. He must have ripped himself free and come after me.  
To find me in the water, drowning.  
And I didn’t even say goodbye.  
Terrible. Horrible. Selfish. I find myself wishing for the Peeta who first came from the Capitol, who hated me on sight. He would have been flinging insults at me and telling me I should have died.  
Instead, he is taking care of me, caressing me, decorating me with kisses and gentle touches.

As I drift back to sleep, I squeeze his hand and I swear I hear him whisper my name.


	54. Chapter 54

We’ve been back in 12 for almost two days and Katniss still hasn’t spoken since that terrible night. Though her mother assured me she was fine, she said her throat may be sore from swallowing the salt water and she may need some more rest.  
That doesn’t explain why she won’t even look at me though.  
It’s killing me, the way her eyes flit away every time mine meet hers. It’s like we are strangers again. Strangers who live together. 

As soon as we returned home, we took our bags upstairs and Katniss immediately set to unpacking. She was silent as she hung up her clothes, then she disappeared into the bathroom to take a bath. I tried to follow her in but she had locked the door. I felt my heart drop out of my chest. She never locked the door before. I was terrified that she was trying again. I leaned against the door, listening for sounds of life. Every time I heard the water splash or a squeak against the tub, I breathed out loud.

When she came out, she climbed under the covers and went straight to sleep. I slept beside her but she was tense and kept herself curled into a little ball so that I couldn’t touch her. 

When I woke up, she was gone.   
She hadn’t returned until late after the sun had set. Without a word, she had gone to our room to shower and then to bed. 

I can’t stand this. She’s lying right next to me and pretending to be asleep. She’s curled up again and my heart pounds as I reach out to touch her.   
She flinches at the first contact and I withdraw immediately. But she’s my wife, dammit, I’m not just going to sit here and ignore this growing wall between us.  
I scoot closer and push my arm underneath her, so I can roll her into my chest. She resists but I close my arms around her, effectively trapping her. She lets out a little whimper and fights to get out of my embrace.

“Katniss, stop,” I whisper in her ear. “Please don’t do this. Please just talk to me.” 

“There’s nothing to say,” I barely hear her.

“The hell there isn’t. You haven’t looked at me since we got home. We don’t have to talk about what happened but I miss you. I miss my wife. Please Katniss.” She sniffles and I feel tears hit my arms. I bury my face in her hair and take in the sweet scent of my wife. I feel her shaking and I hold her close, trying to stop the trembling. The closer I hold her, the more she trembles. Seeing her in pain brings tears to my eyes.

“Katniss,” I plead. “Why? Why are you shutting me out? After everything, why are you intentionally closing off from me?” 

“I finally understand,” she sobs, “what you feel when you have a flashback. And you think you have hurt me. When you wake up and see my frightened expression, the pain and self-loathing you feel. I feel that times a thousand. I never knew…I never thought I could be such a monster. But you were right. I am a…a mutt.”

“Katniss!” I reach over and flick the light on, then force her to sit up in front of me. When she refuses to look at me, I tilt her chin up.

“Look at me.” Her eyes are still closed and I sigh heavily.

“Katniss, look at me. Please,” I add. She swallows and tears stream down her cheeks. I lean forward and kiss her forehead, holding her head to my chest.   
That night is one that will haunt us forever, which kills me because it was the last night of our honeymoon.

When I almost lost her.

It started out great and we experimented with several of Johanna’s gifts. When I asked her to chain me up, I sensed the change in the room.

When I asked her to punish me, I felt her shift completely. The whole world shifted.  
I still blame myself for trying to kill her. I blame myself for not being stronger and not being able to resist the hijacking. I blame myself for allowing Snow to manipulate me and turn me against the love of my life.  
I hurt Katniss worse than anyone ever had. And I wanted punishment for it.  
I wanted her to punish me.  
I knew she didn’t understand what that meant to me. But I asked her that night to use the riding crop and I know she hesitated.  
Caught in a spell, Katniss became someone else. She hit me with the riding crop and her hands and she took control of me like a woman possessed.   
And I was fine with it. Whatever she wanted, I would willingly submit to.   
I wanted whatever punishment she deemed worthy for my crimes.   
When she demanded I call her mistress, I knew she’d changed. I played her game, I pleasured her, I took her punishments and wore her marks proudly.

Until she slid on top of me and started to ride me fiercely. 

I was taken back to that night in the Capitol, one of the nights where I had to watch movie after movie of Katniss and me on the Victory Tour. The filthy things I did to her in those movies just make me shiver and want to slap myself for ever thinking a shred of it was true.  
After the films ended, a girl was brought in, her hands bound, a blindfold over her eyes, and her dark hair in a long braid over her shoulder.  
I froze in place. My interrogator smiled and slapped my cheek.

“Close your mouth, boy, we thought you deserved a night of pleasure after everything you have been through.” The girl was shoved in my direction. I was currently tied to the table and I squirmed in my bindings. My interrogator sliced through the ropes on her hands and she removed her own blindfold.

My breath left me completely. Her eyes were the same silver-grey.   
I immediately knew it wasn’t Katniss. Call it intuition or maybe just because I have been in love with the girl for sixteen years, but I knew this girl wasn’t her.   
Still, the resemblance was terrifying. I still don’t know if it was a mutt or a real woman who was genetically engineered to look like Katniss.  
The thought terrifies me still.   
She climbed on top of me and started grinding against me. I was humiliated and ashamed that she was getting me aroused. She slipped her shirt off, to reveal she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath. I squeezed my eyes shut and she slapped me, hard. My eyes widened when she stood beside me and shoved her pants and underwear down her legs. She was completely bare, her skin not as pale as a Merchant’s but not as dark as Katniss’s was. I felt her fingers at the waistband of my pants and I started to tremble. She yanked my clothes off and tossed them aside. My interrogators stood by, chuckling and I flushed from head to toe. The girl took me in her mouth and I was rendered speechless. I wanted to scream for her to stop, I wanted to cry and beg, and I wanted more. God I wanted more. When I was so close, she stopped and climbed on top of me. I tried to sit up and pleaded with her.

“Please…don’t do this,” I cried pathetically. “I love her. Please just stop.” The girl ignored me and slid back and forth over my erection. Despite the fact that I had just watched dozens of tapes showing my times with Katniss, I still didn’t believe them.  
I knew in that moment, more than ever, that I was a virgin. I was saving myself for Katniss.   
And this girl was about to yank it away. I started to sob harder.

“Please just leave me alone! I love her. I love her.” As the girl started to rise up over me, she grasped my length and slid it along her folds. I squeezed my eyes shut and my head fell back, banging on the metal. I prayed I would be knocked unconscious.  
But I felt a prick in my arm and then an unbelievable rage took over me.  
I looked up and saw the girl glaring down at me, with red eyes and dripping fangs. I screamed out and sat up so quickly that she fell backwards. 

“Get the fuck off me!” She fell to the floor, panting and I writhed around in my bindings. When she stood, I reared back.

“Get away from me! Mutt! Fucking mutt!” My interrogators chuckled darkly in the corner.

“It’s working.”

Now that I have time to analyze these flashbacks and what they mean, I understand. They weren’t trying to take my innocence. Well, at that particular moment, that wasn’t their plan. They were trying to see if the hijacking was working. They brought in a girl who looked just like Katniss, to see how I would react to her.   
How would I have acted if they had captured the real Katniss Everdeen? What would I have done?

Don’t ever think it, Mellark. Don’t ever think anything like that. I know if they had succeeded in capturing her, neither of us would be here now.

I shiver and shake myself. That is one thing I can thank Haymitch for. Protecting her. He didn’t break his promise to me, he broke his promise to her. Despite the fact that a part of me was destroyed, I’m grateful to Haymitch for still choosing Katniss in the arena. It’s what I wanted. After everything, it’s still what I want.   
For her to survive. 

I stare at her, so small and pale and I stifle a sob. As soon as I woke up from that flashback, I knew she was going to run. I could see it in her eyes. Plus, how many times had I run after a flashback? After realizing how much I had hurt her?  
I screamed and screamed for her to come back. I had no idea where she would go, I had no idea how I would find her again, but a part of me knew what was going through her mind. So I broke the handcuffs and yanked on my pants as I ran downstairs to the lobby and to the beach out back.  
I saw her walk into the water, as if in a trance. I screamed for her to snap out of it and when I saw her head go under, I dove into the water. I couldn’t swim but I had to get to her. She was limp and cold when I dragged her back to the beach. I tried to revive her with my hands and mouth and I heard Gale calling my name. I lied to him, told him Katniss had been dragged under by a wave and she was just swimming.  
Not trying to kill herself. I knew Gale wouldn’t hesitate in having her removed from my arms and placed in a safe facility where I would never see her again.   
Now I have her here and I refuse to let go. But I have to tell her that I don’t blame her for anything. None of it is her fault. I love her and I will never let her go.  
Wow. All of that sounds very familiar.   
I hold her face in my hands and will her to look at me.

“Katniss, I know you won’t believe me when I tell you this but…you did nothing wrong. I encouraged you because I wanted you to punish me.”

“Why would you want that,” she sobs.

“Because I still blame myself. For everything. All of it.” She finally looks at me, her eyes swimming.

“I was never punished for trying to kill you. And I should have been. So I wanted you to penalize me, in your own way. I know it’s sick but--“ I freeze as her hand leaves a fresh print on my cheek. She is fuming and glaring at me.

“You bastard,” she spits out. “Of course it’s sick! Don’t you ever ask me to do anything like that again! I know what you were seeing! You saw me, hurting you. You were begging for me to stop, to leave you alone.”

“No.”

“You were! You had a flashback and you saw me trying to kill you.”

“You weren’t trying to kill me, Katniss,” I say softly and her eyes narrow.

“Tell me then. Tell me what you saw.” 

“You won’t like it.” When I see how adamant she is, I quietly recount my story from that night. Her eyes grow wide with horror when I tell her about the girl who looked like her. She crosses her arms over her chest, looking sick. 

“So I…I wasn’t your first.” Her voice is shaking and I yank her hands forward.

“Yes, you were,” I told her firmly. “I shook her off before anything could happen. It wasn’t about the girl raping me, it was about the hijacking. They wanted to see how I would react. It just…I was just taken back for a moment. It didn’t last long and I snapped out of it but then you were so consumed by guilt that you just left me there.” She blushes and looks down. 

“What did you think would happen to me, when I found you dead on the beach,” I say in a deadly whisper. I see her wince but she doesn’t look at me. I squeeze her hands, perhaps a little harder than I should, and pull her forward into my lap.

“Why do we keep doing this to each other, hm? It seems like a vicious cycle with us, doesn’t it? We’re always hurting each other.” She nods.

“It seems so.” 

“You think we were better off apart?” She looks up so quickly and tears are welling in her eyes. I yank her forward, kissing her, so that she knows without a doubt I need her to survive. 

“Sometimes I may think that,” she moans when I break the kiss. “But I just have to look at you to know how lost I would be without you in my life. I look at us and how far we have come. Gale was right. We’re good for each other and we protect each other.” I raise a brow and shake my head. I should have known.

“So you weren’t sleeping then. Bet you were pretending the whole time, weren’t you?”

“Well, you really did save my life so thank you.” I kiss her again and move up to kiss her nose.

“Please Katniss, swear on our love and our future together that you will never try something like that again.”

“Peeta--“

“Swear to me, Katniss.” She looks into my eyes and she bites her lip. I don’t mention that this is the second time she has tried to take her own life. I’ve thought about it a million times but I have never tried to do it. She, on the other hand, bears the marks of failed attempts. I unknowingly rub my thumb against her wrist, the scar still bright as day.

“I swear it.” We seal her promise with a kiss and I bring her back down to the bed, where we quickly fall asleep, her hands gripping mine tightly throughout our dreams. 

 

The next morning I suggest that we take a shower together before I head to the bakery. She agrees and slips her hands under my shirt. But I see her stiffen when she pulls it over my head and I glance down at my chest. I know that look.  
The first night I had a flashback and grabbed her arms, leaving bruises, I couldn’t believe what I had done. We don’t have rough sex often, very rarely actually, but when we do and I leave marks, I feel terrible afterwards.  
I can see she is at war with herself and I pull her close, my hands going to her face and turning her to look at me.

“I know what you’re thinking and you need to stop,” I say softly as I kiss her eyes and nose. “This isn’t that bad. I’ve had much worse…and I’ve done much worse.”  
To you.   
It’s left unsaid but her eyes widen and I know she understands. I pull her shirt over her head and pull her into the bedroom.   
She’s hesitant at first and stands a few inches away from me while we shower but I finally pull her in close for a gentle kiss and I feel her hands in my hair.  
When I enter her, it’s slow and tender, leaving breathy sighs and soft moans. When we reach our peaks, we finish washing each other’s hair before I grab a towel and start to dry her off. She glances down and smiles.

“I’ve never really paid attention but your new leg is water-proof?” I nod.

“One of my favorite things about it. I can shower with it on, and it doesn’t hurt when I accidentally fall asleep with it on. Pretty useful, really.” She nods and strokes my cheek.

“I’m glad you went to the Capitol for it then.” I nod my agreement. Though it may have been a difficult time for us, without each other, it paid off in the end and I think Katniss understands that. I’m grateful to have this beautiful and understanding woman in my life. 

 

We fall back into our routines and before I know it, the cold weather comes again. The frigid air doesn’t affect my prosthetic as it did last year. And apart from a few minor flashbacks and nightmares, life is peaceful and happy. District 12 thrives and we thrive with it.   
In October, Katniss and District 12 start to get ready for an old holiday known as All Hallow’s Eve. Suddenly the bakery is decorated with pumpkins and ghosts and witches and I am left wondering what in the hell is going on. When I go home to Katniss that night and find her decorating the house with similar things, I ask for her to explain the holiday to me.

“It was once known as the day that the dead returned to walk among the living,” she tells me as she carves a pumpkin. “It’s more of a fun holiday now, with feasts and costumes and candy. Children dress up and go trick-or-treating to get candy and prizes from their neighbors. And District 12 will have their first Harvest Festival and Halloween Masquerade this year.” She sounds quite excited about it and I remember how happy she got when she was planning Christmas for the orphanage.

“So all of 12 is getting in on this?”

“From my understanding, other districts are invited too. The Festival will take place during the day and then at night, we will have a Masquerade in the town center. The children will have their own dance, not far from town. I think it will be lots of fun.” I have to admit, it does sound nice. Since 12 has healed dramatically, we have held several fun public events and I am always willing to bake enough for the district. I brought home pumpkin bread for Katniss to try and she says it is one of her favorites now. 

“Ok. I’ll help you carve pumpkins and you can tell me some of the legends and stories about this holiday.”

“Alright. First of all, this is a jack-o-lantern. They’re usually scary faces but you can carve any kind of face into them.” She pushes a pumpkin toward me and hands me some carving tools.   
We laugh at my terrible first attempt at carving a pumpkin. I discover how messy and awkward it is and I gag when I take off the top and see all the gooey mess inside. Katniss finds this hilarious.

“You can put your hands in sticky dough and shape cakes but you can’t touch pumpkin seeds?”

“It looks gross,” I protest. She reaches in and scoops up a handful and before I can say anything, plops it in my hand.

“Ugh! Katniss!” She throws her head back in laughter and I grin slyly as I take aim. She stops laughing as soon as the gooey stuff hits her chin and she gasps and then glares at me.

“You didn’t!”

“Oh but I did.” She picks some more up and brings it down right on top of my head. I shake my head with a groan and she laughs again. 

“We’re a mess.”

“You’re a mess,” I correct her as I struggle to get it out of my hair. “Gross. This stuff is gross!” 

“Aw. Poor baby,” she teases as she takes my face in her sticky hands and rubs it all over my skin. 

“That’s it!” I throw the stuff down and jump out of my chair. She shrieks and squeals as I chase her up the stairs and into our bedroom. With my new prosthetic, I can easily catch her and when I do, I’m rewarded by her soft lips on mine.

After we shower and get that disgusting goop off of us, we head back downstairs so Katniss can finish decorating. I tell her to keep those pumpkins on the porch and she laughs as she puts lights down inside. They cast an eerie glow on the room and she grins over the smiling pumpkin.   
She’s excited and eager to tell me about the plans for the festival. Apparently, Delly has roped her into helping her with the activities but she doesn’t seem too disappointed. Can this cheerful woman really be my wife? The one who does not like social gatherings and definitely doesn’t plan parties?  
I laugh as I pull her in and kiss her hair.

“What are you laughing about?”

“You haven’t stopped talking since I got home. I love how happy this makes you.” 

“I’m just excited to see the kids’ faces when they go trick-or-treating for their first time.” 

“And what about Mrs. Mellark? What are you dressing up as?”

“Oh, I didn’t really plan on dressing up,” she shrugs.

“Nuh uh, that’s not fair. You can’t be the only one without a costume.” She raises her brow and smirks at me.

“Fine. I’ll find a costume. And after I take them trick-or-treating, I’ll meet you at the Masquerade. I expect you to be wearing a costume too.” I raise my brow at her. She honestly expects me to dress up for this shindig?

“Great. I’ll go as a baker.”

“No,” she shakes her head. “Something different. Come on, Peeta, this will be fun!”

“We haven’t dressed up enough in our lives?” She falls silent and I immediately regret my words. I am, of course, referring to the tribute parades when they dressed us up in costumes and paraded us around for the sponsors to see. And I felt like everything I wore after that was a costume. I’m actually quite surprised that she is going along with this.  
She bites her lip and I hate myself.

“I’ll, um…I’ll just stay with the kids then and help them with their candy--“

“Katniss, no.” I take a deep breath and turn her to look at me. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. It will be a fun night and yes, we will both be dressed up and we will have a great time.”

“You don’t have to go, Peeta,” she says quietly, all elation gone from her face. 

“I’ll be there,” I tell her firmly. “And I can’t wait to see what you dress up as.” I kiss her forehead before I jump to my feet and start making dinner. She is quiet for the rest of the evening and I could kick myself for making her doubt this. She was so happy and excited and I just shot her down. Ugh. After she’s gone to bed, I stay downstairs to read the books she has gathered that tell more about the holiday and the customs. 

“Peeta?” I look up and see her nightgown-clad form waiting for me on the stairs. She bites her lip and looks nervous.

“Are…are you coming to bed?” I close the book and jump to my feet. When I reach the stairs, I take her hand and bring it to my lips. Her eyes soften as I pull her upstairs. When I’m changed and we’re lying face to face in bed, I see her smoldering grey eyes searching mine. My index finger gently strokes her nose and I smile.

“You are without a doubt the most incredible woman who ever lived. Do you know that?” She shakes her head.

“You keep telling me that--“

“And yet you still don’t believe me.” She shrugs and I prop myself up with my arm.

“What do I need to do to convince you?”

“I don’t know if you’ll ever convince me but I do enjoy your…methods, to try.” I smirk as I see a shy grin cross her face and I disappear under the covers. In our time together, I have learned so much about Katniss’s body and she about mine. I know countless ways to make her come undone, she can make me fly apart with just a gentle touch of her fingers. My favorite is when I use my tongue and fingers on her and she bucks her hips so wildly that I have to lay on her to keep her still. She’s usually very vocal and I have to make sure the windows are shut whenever I know that’s how our night will end. Tonight the windows are shut tightly and I can already smell her. I’m drunk off her scent by the time I reach her center and she wails above me.   
This is going to be one of those more vocal nights. Not that I’m complaining. My favorite sound in the world is hearing her scream my name as I bring her to completion. These sexy little moans she is making probably comes in a close second.   
Though nothing compares to her breathy sigh of my name. And what comes after that…well, I quickly decide that that is my favorite sound.

“Peeta…I love you.”


	55. Chapter 55

I smile as I watch Lara and the other children cut out their ghosts and witches. Craft-time was my idea and Helga loved it. It keeps the kids busy and they seem to enjoy the things they get to make. Since All Hallow’s Eve is only a few days away we’ve been having the children work on their masks for trick-or-treating. Most of them are finished and I can’t wait to see their faces when we take them around town, asking for candy. 

I have to say this might be one of my favorite holidays now. I’ve always loved Autumn but with the Harvest Festival, the entire district seems to be participating. The men are building boots for the ladies to sell crafts and home-made items. People have been in their kitchens for weeks, working on baked goods. Peeta’s pumpkin bread has been flying off the shelf--luckily no one else has been able to perfect it like he has. It is a favorite in the district. Especially to Cora, who is apparently pregnant. Dane came bounding in a couple of weeks ago, flushed and nearly in tears. Peeta whirled around, worried.

“Dane, what’s the matter?”

“It’s Cora!” We all dropped what we were doing and ran to him. Peeta put out a steadying hand.

“Is she alright?”

“She’s…I’m…Peeta, I’m going to….I’m going to be a daddy!” We all gasped and Peeta hugged him tightly. We all took turns in hugging and congratulating him and asking how Cora was. 

“She’s so great but she’s feeling a little under the weather. I came to buy a couple of loaves of that pumpkin bread. She seems to eat it day and night.” Peeta chuckled as he loaded Dane up with the bread, then refused to take his money.

“You and Cora are like family. Tell her to take care of that little one. I can’t wait to meet him or her.” Dane hugged him again and bounded out of the shop. When Peeta turned to me and took me in his arms, I saw tears in his eyes. But he hastily hid them and kissed me before going back to his work. I felt guilt gnaw at me for weeks.

Ok, getting off subject. Long story short, everyone is excited about the Harvest Festival. And though Peeta and I attended many grand parties in the Capitol, it will be my first Masquerade. Which is why I called Johanna and begged for her help.

“You’re not seriously asking me to help you with a costume for a kids event, are you?”

“Well, I think I’ll need two costumes. One to take the kids around town and for the festival and then one…to meet Peeta in.”

“So a tame one and then one that will make him want to fuck your brains out?”

“Johanna,” I rolled my eyes at her vulgarity. 

“Hey, you called me for advice. Don’t ‘Johanna’ me.”

“Ok. Do you have any ideas?”

“Do you know what he is going as?”

“No idea. He won’t tell me and won’t give me any clues.” 

“Well why don’t you dress up as a kitty-kat for the kids thing? And you can tease Peeta before hand with the whole…pussy-cat thing.” I groaned and rolled my eyes.

“Really Jo? That’s the best you can come up with?”

“I’m dying to hear your ideas, brainless!” 

“I knew this was a bad idea.” I was on the verge of hanging up when I heard her gasp.

“Katniss! I’ve got it! Go as a Queen! Like, a regal, beautiful queen. Peeta will love it. And it’s not inappropriate for the kiddies…unless you make it inappropriate---“

“Got it, Jo,” I cut her off. “A Queen, huh? How would I do that?”

“Here, turn on your hologram. I’m sending you some images.” Even though the new technology freaked me out, I did as I was told and various images of elegant dresses and beautiful brocade appeared. I had to admit, the idea was tempting. A queen could pretty much be any interpretation I wanted. 

“And afterwards you could become this Evil Queen who orders Peeta around and dominates him--“

“No way,” I say flatly. I haven’t told her what happened on our honeymoon. I probably never will. I still feel guilty and terrible and never want anyone to know what sort of line I crossed that night.

“How am I going to make this in time?” I hastily changed the subject.

“Well that’s the beauty of falling in love with a stylist. Give me your measurements, stat!” 

 

“Alright kids, is everyone ready?” I hear excited cheers and see them lifting their plastic pumpkins in the air and waving them about. Helga laughs behind me. She is dressed as an angel and with her blonde ringlets, she looks perfect. I glance down at my black leggings and feel someone tugging on my tail. Lara grins up at me and I pick her up.

“Kitty-Kat, you look perfect,” she giggles, which makes me smile. “Are you going to help us collect candy tonight?”

“Of course Miss Riding Hood,” I laugh as I adjust her red hood. “We’d better get going. There are lots of houses to visit.” She squeals with excitement and shifts her doll under her arm while she keeps a tight hold on her pumpkin bucket.

“I’m glad some of the other mothers volunteered to help,” Helga says anxiously. “I don’t know about keeping track of such a large group by myself.” I wait while Helga divides up the room and Lara clings to my hand. When we’re ready, I pull my mask over my face and we head out.  
The children are having a wonderful time and our neighbors laugh when they open the door and see a ghost or a witch holding out their bucket. This holiday is new for all of us but I can tell people are enjoying it. 

When we make it to town, what used to be Merchant Circle, some of the Seam kids start to tense up. The older ones especially, seem distrustful. Lara gasps at my feet.

“Kitty-Kat, that’s your bakery!” I laugh as I see where she’s pointing.

“It’s really Mr. Peeta’s bakery, Lara.”

“Can we go see Mr. Peeta?” I imagine the bakery is busy tonight but she looks so excited to see Peeta that I laugh and agree. I lead my group of children into the warm bakery and I’m surprised to see it is empty of customers. The kitchen door opens and Peeta stops, surprised.

“Well hello there,” he says uncertainly, eyeing us all. “Do I know you?” I grin, seeing his eyes bore into mine and I hear one of the older girls whisper “well, he’s not very bright is he?” 

“Carlina,” I snap and the girl falls silent. Peeta smiles at me and lifts the barrier so he can come out from behind the counter.

“Let’s see, we have a witch, a ghost, a mummy, a princess, a knight, hey, is that a baker?” The little boy, Reginald, nods excitedly. 

“I wanted to be you, Mr. Peeta!” 

“Well, that’s so nice to hear. Looks like you need a real apron though.” He goes to the wall and takes one of the Mellark Family Bakery aprons off the hook and drapes it over Reginald. The little boy stomps his feet in excitement. Peeta grins and then continues to count the children. 

“And last but not least, a lovely little kitten, am I right?” His eyes are sparkling as they look me up and down. “So that comes out to…fourteen cookies then, right?” The kids all jump up and down and Dane comes out of the kitchen with a tray of cookies shaped like candy corn. The kids start grabbing at them and Cora and Dane stand aside, grinning. Riley and Rory come out to see the kids too and Peeta joins me in the corner, his arm snaking around my waist.

“Nice costume, kitty-kat,” he whispers.

“Yeah, I think Lara is fond of it.”

“I’m fond of it too,” he says in a low voice and I know what I’m doing to him. I glance at him out of my mask and he quirks his brow. He lifts my tail with one hand and inspects it. I snatch it out of his hand and gently smack his chest.

“That’s my tail you are playing with, sir.”

“Sorry little pussycat,” he whispers. “I was just thinking I’d make you purr. I’d heard cats’ tails are highly sensitive and one of the more desired spots to be touched.” Shit. I can’t get all worked up like this in front of the kids. But his words have me rubbing my thighs together uncomfortably. He smirks at me, knowing exactly what he is doing. Everyone knows that Peeta has a way with words. He’s actually made me come with his voice alone before. Ever since then, he seems hell bent on doing it again. It seems like his mission in life to torture me in public.

I clear my throat and step away from him.

“Ok kids, we still have a lot of houses to go to before your dance. What do you all say?” The bakery echoes with thanks and Peeta grins.

“My pleasure. You all have fun. And happy All Hallow’s Eve.” He bows low to the kids and they all follow suit, repeating his greeting. Dane, Cora, Riley, and Rory wave them off as well and I start to follow them out of the shop. I feel a warm hand grab mine and I turn back, blinking through my mask.

“Will I be looking for a lost kitten at the masquerade,” he asks softly. I smirk and shake my head.

“No, I’ll be dressed as something else. You going to tell me what you will be?”

“Nope.” 

“Then how will we find each other?” 

“I told you, Katniss. I will always find you.” He gives me a wink as he nudges me out the door. I huff and straighten my mask as I rejoin my group. 

 

After the kids’ pumpkins are full of sweets, we take them to the center of town where they have their own special dance hall set up. Thom and the others did a fantastic job with the building and decorating and I look proudly at the decorations the kids and I made. Delly and some of the other girls wave me over.

“Katniss, this is just so wonderful,” she breathes. “The kids are having so much fun and I know tonight will be even better!”

“I hope so, Del.” Struck by an idea, I grab Delly’s hands. “Delly, how are you with fixing hair?”

“I used to braid Peeta’s all the time when we were kids,” she giggles. “Sometimes Madge and I would practice on each other. Why do you ask?” I had no idea Delly and Madge were close. I probably should have though. Two Merchant girls, both beautiful in appearance with their blonde curls and big blue eyes. I shake myself and focus on my idea.

“I need some help with my costume for the Masquerade. Think you can come by in a little bit?”

“I’d love to,” she squeals and I actually wince at her high-pitched voice. She grins and covers her mouth.

“Sorry. But yes. I’d love to help. I’ll be around the Village in twenty minutes?”

“Sounds great. Thanks Delly!”

 

“Katniss, hold still.” I huff and try to sit still. I never had this much trouble when my mother did my hair. Delly is putting it in intricate braids and then attaching it to the elegant headdress that George sent me with my dress. 

“Ok, I think I’m finished with your hair. Let’s work on your make up.”

“Delly, I’m wearing a mask,” I remind her.

“Let me at least put on some lipstick and eyeliner then.” I shrug and she claps her hands excitedly. She dabs at my lips with a napkin and cocks her head in concentration. When she’s finished, she gently turns me toward the mirror and I gasp.

I have had the best prep team in the world and have seen them do wonders on my make up and hair. But Delly has truly transformed me into something I have never seen before. And yet I can still see myself inside. I turn to her and smile.

“Thank you, Delly.” She kisses my cheek and offers to help me with my dress. When I bring it out of the closet, she gasps lightly.

“Did Cinna make that for you?” I feel a pain in my heart as I shake my head. He would have made the perfect costumes for this holiday. How I wish he could be celebrating with us.

“Johanna’s boyfriend George had this made. Do you think Peeta will recognize me?”

“Katniss, the boy’s had his eye on you since he was little. I think he could find you in a room of a million people. But I definitely think he will be surprised at how majestic you look.” She helps me with the dress and adjusts my headdress. When she ties my mask in the back, she takes a step back and her hands cover her mouth.

“Queen Katniss, your King awaits.” I smile and she giggles excitedly. I hug her goodbye so she can go home and finish her own costume. I stand in front of the mirror, putting on the finishing touches of my costume. I glance at the clock and see the dance has already started. Hurriedly, I pull on a jacket and climb into the carriage that Rory is picking me up in.

“Rory, do you know--“

“Don’t ask me, Katniss,” he says quickly. “He’s already given me explicit instructions not to tell you what he will be dressed as.”

“So you know?” 

“I don’t. But he’s my boss, Katniss. I wouldn’t tell you even if I did know.” I scoff.

“I’ve known you longer.”

“So what?” I narrow my eyes at the boy.

“So I know lots of things I could tell your boss,” he glances at me out of the corner of his eye, “like the time you took both Becky and Andella to the slag heap, the same day!”

“Hey, I was fifteen!” 

“Uh yeah, what’ a fifteen year old going to the slag heap for?” He rolls his eyes and flicks the reins.

“You are so innocent, Katniss. Seriously, I bet Peeta was the first guy you slept with.”

“Rory Hawthorne, that is none of your business,” I say shrilly. He snorts.

“Figures. So now that you’re a married woman, you’re even more of a prude?”

“I’m half tempted to call your brother.” He smirks and shakes his head.

“But you won’t. You don’t want to talk to him any more than I do. And you know I’m teasing you because you’re like my sister anyway.” I shake my head.

“You, sir, are an ass.” He laughs and pats my knee.

“Forgot to tell you, Your Majesty…you look stunning tonight.” I blush and fall silent as we ride toward town. 

When we arrive, the festival is in full swing. Rory helps me down from the wagon and I bow my head in thanks. My eyes scan the crowd for those golden curls but there are dozens of Merchants here, as well as people from other districts. I’m surprised to see Haymitch and Effie standing together, next to Annie and Finn and a little ways away, I see Cressida standing with a man with blue hair. Haymitch catches my eye and raises his glass to me. I make my way over to them and Effie squeals.

“Katniss, look at you! You look beautiful. Where is your husband?”

“He had to work late at the bakery, he’ll be joining us later,” I say, not wanting to admit that I don’t know what he looks like and I wonder if I will recognize him when he does arrive. Or is he already here? Haymitch’s smirk makes me uneasy. 

“Looking good, sweetheart.” I raise my head a little and he laughs. “Yep, a queen suits you. What do you think of my costume?”

“What are you supposed to be,” I say in confusion, my eyes raking over him. He’s got a beer in his hand and a shirt that says “this is my costume”. He merely laughs at me and wraps his arm around Effie’s waist. She makes a lovely circus ringleader, holding a whip in her hands. I eye it uneasily but Annie comes up behind me and takes my mind off of it.

“Katniss, you look beautiful.” I kiss her cheek and tousle Finn’s bouncy curls.

“So do you, Annie. Finn makes an adorable little fishy.” He grins up at me and reaches out for me. Annie smiles as she slides her son into my arms and I bounce him up and down. Annie makes a stunning mermaid, with seashells wrapped in her hair. Her son is dressed like a fish and keeps making bubbles with his spit. I laugh as I hand him back and straighten out my dress.

“Where is Peeta?” I sigh, tired of this question already. I don’t know where he is. And I have a feeling he has been watching me this whole time.


	56. Chapter 56

I am completely floored by how incredible she looks tonight. Not that I haven’t always found her beautiful but tonight, she is exquisite in a different way. The way she carries herself and how radiant she looks make my eyes follow her as she makes her way across the room. 

When I first arrived, I stayed out of sight, doing my best to blend in. Not so easy to do when you are laviciously dressed. Atop my head is a golden crown and around my neck, I wear various precious jewels and gold necklaces. To hide my face, I have a gold mask that I can hold onto. I feel myself weighed down by the heavy fabrics of my costume but at least I look the part of a King.

When Katniss asked me to dress up, I racked my brain for ideas. When I was little, I would make a crown out of dough and put it on my head. I called myself Prince Peeta and made my brothers bow down to me (Ryean played along but Bialy told me to grow up and quickly left us younger boys to play)   
One of my favorite stories from my father’s library was that of a king, who lost everything. His family was killed by his enemies and his throne was taken. He was driven into the wilderness, believing the love of his life was dead. He was even driven mad for a time. He lived as a bandit for many years until his love returned to him in disguise. When they were reunited, she helped him reclaim his throne and they destroyed his enemy. He took her as his queen and they ruled as just and kind rulers. They had several heirs to the throne and when his queen died, the king decreed that all should love his queen as he had and he took her and placed her in the stars, so that all could look upon her. 

I can definitely relate to that king. I feel like I lost everything but Katniss has taught me to love my life again. She is my beloved Queen. 

So when I saw Rory helping her down from the wagon, I nearly had a heart attack. She truly IS my Queen.  
Her dress is a deep red, almost crimson, with gold trimming around her bust and waist. The design in gold thread was intricate and had to be hand-stitched. A rich gold belt with red gems dangles at her waist and strands of rubies and pearls gleam at her throat. Her dark locks are partially covered by an intricate golden crown, while the rest of her hair cascades down her back. The mask that hides most of her face is gold with pearls on the sides.   
I was dead. She was more beautiful than any dream or vision I could have ever concocted in my mind. I moved through the crowd, keeping my eyes on her.  
She’s talking to Annie and holding Finn in her arms. If I thought she looked beautiful before, she is breathtaking now, with a baby in her arms. The way she smiles and her eyes seem to dance spur me into movement. I cautiously approach her as Annie walks away with Finn in her arms. Katniss turns to me and gasps when I stop in front of her.

“Good evening, My Lady,” I say in as low of a voice as I can maintain. I reach out for her hand and bring it to my lips. “Or should I say, trick-or-treat.” Her eyes meet mine through our masks and I can’t help but notice how utterly captivating her eyes are tonight. They search mine as I lower her hand.

“Majesty,” she sweeps into a curtsy and I bow low. “Where are you joining us from tonight?”

“Oh, a far off district,” I wave dismissively. “Close to the sea. But I heard there would be a Masquerade Ball tonight and I had to gather my servants and join the festivities. I did not expect to find such beauty though.” 

“It is a beautiful night indeed.” I smirk as I shake my hand.

“It was not the night I was referring to, Highness. It was her Majesty’s gentle looks and flawless complexion. The way your eyes dance like the stars in the heavens and the way your lips curve into a sweet smile…I should like very much to kiss those sweet lips.”

“How would you know if my lips are sweet or not?” I smile at her teasing tone. 

“Lips so plump and luscious-looking could be nothing but sweet. May I have the honor of stealing a kiss?”

“You may not steal, my good sir, but I will give it to you willingly.” She leans forward and my lips brush against hers. I feel sparks shock every part of me, all the way down to my toes as I pull away. She blinks and gives me a shy smile. As the music changes to a slower tune, I offer her my arm.

“Shall we dance, My Lady?” She bows her head and takes my arm. As I sweep her around the crowd, I cannot take my eyes off hers. It is almost like her eyes have turned green and they seem to sparkle as I whirl her around. She slides her hand into mine and my heart jumps at the sight of the pearl on her finger. I’m relieved that she didn’t take it off. I briefly considered taking mine off just for the night but then thought better of it. My hand rests on her lower back and I press her into me a little bit more. I feel her heart racing underneath all that material but I am sure it is matching the pace of mine. 

“Is your heart taken, My Fair Lady,” I ask, looking pointedly at her ring.

“It is, Majesty. My husband the King is a just man but he allows me to visit Court without him. He often leaves me alone, to fend for myself.”

“Perhaps he knows what a strong huntress you are,” I say quietly and she raises a brow. “I mean to say, you have the presence of a lioness. Perhaps that is why he leaves you alone. Because he knows he has nothing to worry about.”

“Then perhaps he shouldn’t be thinking of my physical state and instead, focus on my heart. I yearn for him and still he leaves me.” 

“Have you spoken to him about this…dilemma?”

“Quite often,” she shrugs. “He is a very busy man.” I have to say I am impressed at how committed to this role she is. Katniss has always said she is a terrible actress but she is playing the part of a Queen perfectly tonight. 

“And a fool,” I say quietly. Her eyes glisten as they bore into mine and I feel a tap on my shoulder. Delly looks very pretty tonight but I only have eyes for Katniss and don’t want to be with anyone else.

“Sorry to interrupt. Peeta, I was wondering if I could have one dance with you before I leave?” Katniss drops my hands and steps away.

“I will be around,” she whispers in my ear. “Find me later, Your Highness.” I watch her leave with an open jaw and quickly take Delly’s hand. She giggles.

“Close your mouth, Peeta, you are still gaping at that girl like she is the most prized treasure in Panem.”

“She is,” I reply. Her eyes soften.

“I hope I find a love as wonderful as yours one day. I still remember watching that little boy pining after the Seam girl every day and wishing there was something I could do to help.” I laugh as I spin her around.

“We’ve just changed so much, Del. I’m sort of glad I never had the nerve to speak to her when we were little. I don’t know if things would have turned out the same but I know without sacrifice, there can be no victory. We were brought together by everything that has happened. Without the Games...well, we would still be under Capitol control and definitely would not be here.” 

“Do you think our parents would have made us get married?” I’m shocked by her question and temporarily stop spinning her. She’s biting her lip, her blue eyes wide.

“I-I don’t know, Del. Probably.” 

“Do you think you would have ever loved me?” I frown, wondering what has gotten into my dear friend.

“Delly, I do love you. You have always been like a sister to me.”

“That’s not what I mean, Peeta,” she snaps. I swallow, feeling uncomfortable with this conversation.

“I have always had my heart set on one girl. Only one. Though I thought she would never return my love, I never had eyes for anyone else. I may have thought some were pretty or maybe took one or two to the Slag Heap to see how far we’d get but it was never far because all I could think about was her. It’s always been her. I’m sorry,” I add, seeing her face fall. I don’t know what she’s thinking. Delly has been nothing but supportive of my marriage to Katniss and she knows better than anyone the extent of my love. She drops my hand and rubs her eyes.

“It’s ok. I’m going to get some punch.” And I’m left alone on the dance floor, blinking after my friend.   
A few girls I’ve never spoken to ask for dances and as I spin them around, my eyes travel over the crowd. I see Delly dancing with Brent and her eyes look red. It’s only now that I notice they are dressed like a couple. I would say Delly is Cleopatra and Brent is Marc Antony. He looks handsome with his red toga and his dark hair that offsets Delly’s golden curls. Merchant and Seam. Once forbidden is now the norm. I look around for my own Seam Queen and find her dancing with a dark man who sort of reminds me of Chaff, Haymitch’s deceased Victor friend. A pretty Merchant girl shyly asks me to dance and I agree, though my eyes never stray from Katniss.  
I manage to shake off the next girl who approaches me by apologizing and saying I need a drink. I make my way over to the refreshments and watch Katniss wipe her brow and approach the bar.

“Some punch, My Lady?” Slipping back into my part, I hold the cup out and she smiles as she takes it.

“Thank you, kind sir. Are you enjoying yourself?”

“There are indeed many beauties to dance with tonight. But I’m afraid I have only shared one dance with the most beautiful of them all.”

“Oh, she’s free right now. You could go ask her.” I frown, looking in the direction she is pointing and see she is indicating the busty blonde who was my previous dance partner. I clear my throat.

“It is definitely not that maiden I was referring to.” 

“And who, pray tell, has captured the King’s attentions?” I move closer, feeling her warm breath on my face.

“Only one maiden has stolen my heart,” I say softly. “One maiden with hair as dark and soft as a raven’s ring. Her eyes are as timeless as a still statue, and her skin makes me think of the sun and the tossing waves of the ocean. When she speaks, I freeze in place, transfixed by the clear ringing of her voice.” She holds out her hand and I take it. I let her lead me back onto the dance floor and she wraps her arms around my neck, her fingers threading through my hair. Her hips sway to the music and she presses against me, our gazes never breaking. 

“Your Grace, I beg of you to allow me to escort you home and show you how breathtakingly beautiful you really are.” 

“You would have me leave my guests? How terribly rude.”

“I promise you, they will hardly notice you are gone.” Her lips curl up into a sly smile, more like a smirk, that makes my heart pound. 

“Very well, my King. You may escort me home.” Without another word, I pull her off the dance floor and we slip away into the darkness, undoubtedly unnoticed by our neighbors.

When we reach Victor’s Village, Katniss pushes the door open and I trap her against it as soon as it is closed. I hold her hands over her head as I ravage her mouth, then move down to suck at her neck and her pulse-point, which I have learned, drives her crazy. She squirms against me and I feel myself harden against the layers and layers of material that are trapping me. I push my knee between her legs and she rubs against me like a cat in heat. She moans audibly when I pull away and my hand slips under her skirts, pushing the material up her legs. She whimpers when I have pushed the dress up to her thighs to discover she isn’t wearing any underwear. I grip her wrists tighter and lean in for a kiss, in which I tug her lip into my mouth.

“My Lady, I’m shocked. No undergarments?”

“I wanted to be as historically accurate as I could,” she says slyly, instantly dropping the Queen act. I shake my head and drop to my knees in front of her. She starts to move her hands toward me but my head snaps up.

“Keep your hands there.” She obeys and stills, her wide eyes watching my every move. I push her dress up again and find that I can fit my entire body underneath. Giving her a sly smile over the edge of her skirts, I smirk. “I’ve been waiting for my treat all night.”  
I gently pry her thighs apart and hear her let out a deep moan as soon as I lean forward. I tease her for a minute, breathing softly on her core, and spreading her apart with my fingers so I can touch the tip of my tongue to her clit. Her knees are shaking and I hear her scrabbling at the wall. I place gentle kisses right on her dripping center but give her no further relief. Not until I hear it.

“Peeta,” she whimpers and a smirk snaps into place on my face. It’s what I was waiting for, to see how long she could go without moaning my name. I spread her apart and drink her in, like a starving man in the desert. I plunge two fingers in and she falls forward a little bit. I move my hands up her thighs to hold her in place while I continue to devour her. 

“Oh! Oh god!” I know she is close and I know how to get her there. I thrust my fingers in and out while my tongue viciously attacks her nub. I reach up and squeeze her bottom before lowering onto my back and bringing her down on top of me. With her legs bent on either side of me, she rides my face to completion. I move out from under her dress, already sweating and she pulls me in for a kiss. Her hands are frantically working at my trousers and my hand rests over hers, stilling them.

“Let’s get these clothes off before we ruin them. They cost too much to be yanked off and thrown aside.” She grumbles but agrees and I help her up. We go to our bedroom and I help her out of the elaborate dress. I set her crown, mask, and dress aside and then remove my own crown. She helps me out of the robes and trousers and folds them neatly on top of the drawers. When she’s stripped the last piece of material off of me, she drops to her knees and takes me in her mouth. 

“Shit,” I let out with a groan, my hands twisting around her hair, which is still intricately braided and I scrabble around to find something to hold onto. She looks up at me as she moves up and down over my shaft, her eyes smoldering and still so damn entrancing. It doesn’t take me long at all until I’m warning her and crying out with my release. Her tongue rakes over me a few times before she stands up and wraps her arms around me, kissing me fiercely. I push her back toward the bed and kneel between her legs.

“I believe I was supposed to show the Queen how breathtakingly beautiful she is,” I say as she stares up at me with heaving breasts and blazing eyes. Her face softens as she pulls me on top of her for a kiss.

“I believe you already have, good sir. And I believe I want to be your Queen until the end of our days.” 

“You are already the queen of my heart,” I say softly, determined not to let emotion choke me up in this important moment. “I am devoted to you, like a King to his most prized treasures.” She leans up and bites her lip.

“And what does my King desire now?” I lean down and kiss her and reach down to grasp myself, rubbing against her and moaning at how incredible it feels.

“My Queen,” is my reply before I bury myself deep inside her and carry us both to heaven and beyond. 

 

Our one year wedding anniversary is tomorrow and I won’t even get to spend it with my wife. Instead, I’m on a train hurling towards District 4. 

We received a phone call yesterday from a hysterical Annie. I mean we couldn’t even understand a single thing she was saying. The phone was taken away and we heard Johanna come over the line.

“Finn’s been in an accident.”   
Katniss and I froze, hands grasping and growing tighter the minute as we heard Annie’s shrill cries in the background.

“Is he ok?” 

“He was stung by a jellyfish on the beach,” she said slowly. “Annie was watching him when someone came up to talk to her. When she turned around, he was in the water playing with some kind of animal. It was one of the dangerous ones and he was rushed to the hospital. Mrs. Everdeen tended to him and said he was very lucky but…it’s serious, you guys.” Her voice got quieter as she tried to get away from Annie. “He’s in so much pain and Mrs. Everdeen isn’t sure if…well, if he will walk again.” My heart dropped out of my chest. That kid is much too young to deal with this. Katniss looked at me frantically, tears streaming down her face.

“What can we do,” she asked softly.

“Look I know the situation with your exile. But maybe if you tell Paylor that your godson is in pretty bad shape, she might temporarily lift it again.” I glanced at Katniss and bit my lip. Annie had made us Finn’s godparents (joint with Johanna) when he turned 1. 

“We’ll leave as soon as we can,” I said firmly and Johanna thanked us before she hung up. Katniss clung to me and cried into my chest.

“That little boy can’t die! Annie won’t survive it. She’s been through so much…he doesn’t deserve this!”

“Sh, Sh, Katniss, calm down. He’s not going to die. Your mother is the best Healer in Panem. But we need to call Paylor. We need to go see him.” She nodded sadly and I could tell she didn’t have much hope.  
Turns out, she was right. Paylor sounded distressed about a Victor’s child being hurt but she stood firmly on Katniss’s exile. Katniss blew up and I had to rush her out of the room before she said anything bad to the President of Panem. Paylor may not be Snow but I still will never trust the government and don’t want to give anyone any reason to take Katniss away.

When I hung up the phone, I went to our room and found Katniss sitting on the edge of the bed. She stared at the floor, her hands in her lap.

“You have to go alone,” she said solemnly. I dropped to my knees in front of her and looked up into her eyes.

“I won’t be gone long, I promise. And if you don’t want me to go, I won’t.”

“You have to, Peeta. Annie needs you. Johanna wouldn’t have called if she didn’t need us there.” I squeezed her hands and kissed her knuckles.

“We will celebrate our anniversary when I get back, ok? And I’ll call you every night.” She nodded and looked sad but determined.

“Go. Take care of our boy.” I was temporarily frozen at her words but shook myself and jumped up, running to the closet to pack a bag. Katniss called and purchased me a train ticket and we walked to the train station together.

Now I’m anxiously wringing my hands, hoping against hope that Katniss will handle this trip better than the last one I had to take. The attendant comes in and tells me we will be arriving in 4 in the next ten minutes and I quickly gather my things.

I freeze in place when I jump off the train and find who else, but Gale Hawthorne waiting for me. He nods to me and takes his dark sunglasses off.

“Don’t tell me. Paylor sent you to watch over me.”

“I’m acting as your escort, Mr. Mellark, and will be ensuring your safety and well-being.”

“Cut the crap, Gale. Why do you keep getting assigned to us?” He frowns.

“Perhaps it’s because Paylor knows we have history.” I snort. History? You mean we both loved the same girl? I shake my head and pick up my bags. Thankfully, he doesn’t make a move to take them. He leads me to a car and opens the trunk for me to toss the bags into.  
I’m surprised that Gale is the only guard I have this time. I guess two victors equals more guards but one victor needs less security. Gale drives and I notice his knuckles are white on the steering wheel. I sigh and try to settle back. I don’t really like my life in the hands of the guy who was once in love with my wife. 

As we near Victor’s Village, Gale glances at me.

“Look Peeta,” he says heavily. “We’ll never be friends. I get that and frankly, I’m not too disappointed by it. But we are allies and we always have been. Because we’ve always tried to keep her alive and happy. I see that you are what makes her happy and I’m ok with that. So let’s not make this complicated, alright? I’ll stay out of your way unless you need my help. And you won’t dangle your marriage in my face and brag about how happy you two are. Deal?” Surprised, I nod.

“Deal.” He nods and his grip seems to relax. I swallow and look out the window. I’d never have thought that Gale could be uncertain…jealous, even. I know he’s been dating a girl back in 2 but that’s all I know and all I care to know. I won Katniss’s heart in the end. That’s all that matters to me. I’m not the kind of guy to brag about it or rub something in someone’s face. Not even Gale Hawthorne.

“You know,” he says in a low voice. “I wanted to hate you. But you just make it too difficult. You’re too damn likable, Mellark. Even in the Games, I wanted to hate you and just couldn’t do it.” I don’t say anything. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? I swallow and nod and he falls silent again. 

We pass Annie’s house and I see the new hospital at the end of the road. I freeze when I see the sign out front.  
Odair Memorial Medical Center. 

There are two large portraits of Finnick and Mags at the front of the building. I take a step toward the door and stop. I feel Gale right behind me and I urge my legs to keep moving. But my eyes remain locked on Finnick’s smiling face.   
Mags sacrificed herself to save me. I was felled by the poisonous fog and Katniss couldn’t carry me. She begged Finnick for help and Mags climbed off of his back, kissed him goodbye, and walked to her death. 

Finnick defended Katniss to his death. He kept watch over her in the Star-Squad and he fought off the deadly mutts. He made Katniss climb out of harm’s way and stayed behind to get all of us to safety. I remember fighting with him, protesting that I should be the one to stay behind, because I was a mutt too. He pushed me up the ladder after Katniss. His last words to me were ‘keep her alive and someday, you’ll find each other again’.

I’ve never repeated those words to Katniss. I’m not what sure good it would do, knowing that yet another person scarified themselves for us. I know how guilty Katniss feels when she thinks about the many lives lost in the Revolution. People may tell us that things are better now but the amount of sacrifices that were made make us sometimes question the worth.

“Peeta!” I whirl around at the sound of my name and see Johanna and George running toward me. 

“You’re here!” She doesn’t comment on the fact that Katniss isn’t but I think she understands. She takes my arm and leads me upstairs, to the pediatric ward. 

I stifle a sob when I see my godson lying on a hospital bed, his long golden lashes resting on his tanned cheek, his bronze curls messy and unkempt. His mother holds   
his hand by his side and has her face buried in her arm. Peeking out of the blanket, I can see the boy’s leg bent at an odd angle, so scarred and mangled that I think for a moment it can’t be real. Johanna’s hand rests on my shoulder and she sniffles. 

“He was in so much pain, Mrs. Everdeen had to give him morphling.” My eyes fill with tears. For once, I understand Katniss’s fear of having children--and not being able to protect them. I already feel my heart tearing at the sight of my godson like this. If it were my son, I would be in hysterics. Like Annie.   
Annie and Finn are both asleep so I pull a chair up to the bed and sit on Finn’s other side. I hear Johanna suck in a breath behind me.

“What are YOU doing here, Hawthorne?”

“I’ve been assigned as Mr. Mellark’s head of security, Miss Mason,” I hear Gale reply coolly.

“Mr. Mellark. Miss Mason. Cut the shit, Hawthorne, you act like you didn’t fight beside us in the Rebellion! Or does being Paylor’s little lapdog mean you’re too good for us District people now days?” I jump to my feet, terrified of where this can lead. Gale looks red with anger and George is trying to pull Johanna away. 

“Guys, stop it,” I hiss. “You want to kill each other, fine. But NOT here.” They seem to understand and shoot daggers at each other before separating. Johanna flings the door open and George follows her out. Gale nods to me.

“I’ll be down in the lobby. You know where to find me, if you need anything.” I nod and he stalks off. His olive skin is tinted red and it strikes me how similar he and Katniss are. I shake my head and sit back down beside the bed. The boy stirs and his eyes flutter open. 

“Daddy?” My heart clenches and I reach for his hand.

“It’s Uncle Peeta,” I say softly, pushing his curls out of his face. “How you doing buddy?” I immediately regret the stupid question. It was what the nurses asked me right after they cut off my leg. How the hell do you think I’m doing?! 

“It hurts. Lots.” His eyes well with tears and I squeeze his hand.

“Let me find someone to give you something, ok?” 

“Candy?” I smile at his toothy grin, despite everything.

“I’ll ask your mom. Try to get some sleep, ok?” He shakes his head and shifts his leg, crying out in pain. 

“I hurt, Uncle Peeta.” 

“I know buddy. Your mom and Aunt Jojo and I are all here. Aunt Katniss wants me to tell you she loves you so much.” 

“Finnick?” Annie’s eyes flutter open and she sits straight up when she sees me. “Peeta. When did you get here?”

“Just a few minutes ago. I’m going to find a nurse and see if we can get him something for the pain.” Silent tears fall down her fair cheeks.

“He’s already been knocked out twice. I don’t know if they will give him any more.” I reach over and squeeze her hand and Finn reaches up to give me a hug.

“I’ll be right back, bud.” I hurry out of the room and search for a nurse. I hear yelling down the hall and frown as I make my way towards it.  
There are two nurses and George, waving their arms and trying to break up the heated argument. Johanna and Gale look are standing inches apart, yelling at the top of their lungs, both their faces blood-red. 

“Say what you like about me, Mason, but President Paylor assigned me herself and I’m not leaving my post! You’ll have to kill me to get rid of me!”

“That can be arranged,” Johanna shrieks. “You’re just trying to get close to Peeta to off him, so you can move in on Katniss!” 

“Johanna!” Completely stunned, I run to her and try to get her to back down but she flings me off and I’m reminded of her impressive strength.

“That couldn’t be farther from the truth,” Gale yells back, pushing back George. “Peeta and I have made peace! You just don’t want to admit to yourself that I am not the bad guy!” 

“You kissed Katniss while Peeta was recovering,” she cries angrily and I freeze. “You KNEW she loved him! And you still made a move on her! I bet you were secretly hoping he would get killed on the Squad so you could take care of her! Help her forget about him!” 

“How DARE you,” Gale hisses through clenched teeth. “I volunteered to save him! To save you all! We were young and stupid and she didn’t know what she wanted! And YES, I loved her! I wanted her to choose me! And now I know she loves him and I surrender, Mason, I fucking give in!” He turns to me, his breathing heavy and his eyes dark. “You won, alright? She chose you. I accept that. Now are we ever going to put this bullshit behind us?” 

“It may be bullshit to you,” Johanna hisses. “But it’s tainted Peeta’s mind! It’s what they tortured him with! You and Katniss and he will always have that small doubt in his mind--“

“Johanna, that’s enough!” Everyone seems a bit surprised how cold my voice has turned. But I am fuming and so close to a flashback, my hands are shaking. Johanna’s eyes flick downwards and she bites her lip.

“Peeta, I’m so--“

“Stop talking about me like I’m not here. I’m sick of it. I’m SICK of it. Everyone did it. Even after I started to get better, everyone talked about me and what I was capable of. Even Katniss said it would be like shooting a Capitol mutt.” My hands clench and unclench, my breathing is heavy, my heart is pounding against my chest. 

She chose Gale. She still loves Gale.

No! Stop it! Stop it now! She loves me. She married me, she isn’t with him.

Because he left her. You’re only second-best in her eyes. You’ve always been second place.

She chose me because she loves me! Go away. You’re not welcome here.

Oh I’ll always be here. I’ll always be here casting doubt over your mind and keep this shadow in your soul.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” The words echo around the hospital and everyone is staring at me in shock. I fall to my knees, clutching my head, my eyes screwed shut and I vaguely register someone calling my name before I succumb to the darkness.


	57. Chapter 57

When I wake up, my eyes are heavy and my throat feels raw and sore. It hurts to even lift my arms so I don’t try. I feel a hand on mine and my head moves to the side. Johanna looks down at me with tears in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Peeta,” she whispers. “I didn’t mean to set you off like that. I just got so angry and…I wasn’t thinking. I’m the most terrible person in the world.”

“You’re…not,” I manage to get out and I try to clear my throat. She jumps up and is back with a glass of water. My thirst quenched, I clear my throat. I look around and see I am in a hospital bed. Wonderful. I came here for Finn and ended up in here myself.

“What...what happened?” I rack my brain, wondering what the hell put me in this bed. Did I have a flashback? Did I attack someone? I just remember being really angry and then everything went black.   
Johanna looks terrified.

“What do you remember?”

“Um…lots of yelling. I got really angry. And I…blacked out.” She nods.

“Probably better that you don’t remember what the fight was about.” I start to protest but the door opens and Johanna tenses up. I see Gale inch forward and he looks directly at me.

“You feeling any better?”

“Uh, yeah. I think so. Is there a doctor around that I can talk to? I really don’t need to be here.”

“You started having a fit and they gave you something to calm you down. We carried you into this room so I’m not sure if they will want to let you go so soon.” I roll my eyes.

“Gale, please. I’m fine. Find the doctor for me.”

“OK but…you should call your…call Katniss first.” I sit straight up and ignore my pounding head.

“Katniss knows what happened? Did you call her?”

“I didn’t but apparently someone else did.” I groan and shake my head. Fantastic. She’ll be worried sick. WHY can’t people mind their own business?

“Alright, I’ll call her. Jo, find a doctor and tell him I can leave at any time. They’re not keeping me in here.”

“Alright Peeta but tell Katniss it was my fault,” she says, her face solemn. Gale steps forward.

“Tell her it was my fault, Peeta,” Johanna and I look over at him in shock and he shrugs. “She already hates me. Might as well put the blame on me.”

“She doesn’t hate you, Gale,” I tell him and I honestly don’t think she does. She just doesn’t know how to act around him anymore. He looks somewhat pacified. 

“Well, tell her I’m sorry for causing you both such distress. And I apologize to you as well, Johanna. I know you don’t like me but can you at least accept that we are allies?” 

“Yeah. I think I can do that,” Johanna mutters and Gale nods.

“Call Katniss, Peeta. I’ll be outside.” Johanna pushes the phone toward me and starts to leave as well. 

“Jo,” I call her back and she raises a brow. I play with the blankets for a moment, searching for the right words.

“Did…did Katniss tell you? About the kiss?” She frowns and I sigh. 

“When Gale kissed her…it was in 13? When I was…there?” 

“She mentioned it, Peeta.” She looks reluctant to go on so I gesture for her to continue. She sighs and runs her hands through her hair. “I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s ancient history.”

“Tell me.”

“There’s really nothing to tell. They were out hunting together and talking…Gale leaned in and kissed her and she said she felt nothing. She told me later that she was so positive that she had lost you for good and she knew she would die bringing down Snow. She believed with all her heart that she would be killed and you would go on hating her for the rest of your life. She said that was one of the moments she regrets the most, letting her best friend kiss her. But she also knew, right after he did it, that she felt nothing for him. She told me his kiss didn’t compare to yours.” Well, that makes me feel a tiny bit better but I can’t believe that Gale did that when I was trying to recover.

Fine. Forget it, Peeta. As Johanna said, it’s ancient history. Still, it bothers me.

“Why didn’t she tell me?”

“Why would she? She regrets it, Peeta, and it doesn’t matter anyway because she married you, not him. Don’t you believe that bullshit in your brain that’s saying you were second choice. You were always her first choice. It just took awhile for her head and heart to catch up.” I nod, uncertain as to what I will say to Katniss. But she pushes the phone forward and leaves me alone. With shaking fingers I dial our number. 

“Peeta?” Her voice is frantic, answering on the first ring.

“I’m ok,” I assure her. She sobs into the phone.

“Then why did a nurse call to tell me you were having a violent seizure and you needed to be contained?” I wince. Damn it. 

“It’s definitely not that exciting, Katniss. I felt myself on the verge of a flashback and I just blacked out. I just woke up in a hospital bed. Gale says they gave me something to calm me down and carried me in here.”

“Gale? Why is Gale there?”

“Paylor sent him to be my security again.”

“How convenient,” she sniffs. I raise my brow at her tone.

“Were you ever going to tell me that he kissed you in 13?” The line is silent except for her heavy breathing.

“Peeta…it meant nothing--“

“Then why wouldn’t you tell me? We tell each other everything, don’t we? Why is this any different?”

“You had to ask me about the rebellion because you didn’t remember any of it. Our time in 13…I’d like to forget about most of it.” I know she means more than the kiss with Gale and I shiver. 

“Ok. Me too,” I concede and I hear her let out a deep sigh. 

“How is Finn?”

“He’s in a lot of pain but he’s been knocked out with morphling. I haven’t seen your mother yet. I want to get out of this damn room so I can go back and see him.”

“Just don’t overexert yourself, Peeta,” she pleads. “You have to take care of yourself too.”

“I know. I will,” I promise her. “I need to go see if he’s awake. I love you.”

“I love you too. Call me tomorrow?”

“Of course.” I don’t mention that it’s our anniversary. I know she knows and she probably already regrets asking me to come on this trip. We hang up and I hear a knock at the door. I nod to the doctor and sigh when Mrs. Everdeen enters behind him.

“Mr. Mellark, I’m Doctor Faril, your attending physician. I believe you know Nurse Everdeen?” I nod to Mrs. Everdeen swiftly. 

“Well, looks like you had a severe relapse and a violent seizure. I’d recommend staying--“

“Doctor I’m going to stop you right there. It wasn’t a violent seizure, it was a flashback and I get those frequently. An after-effect of my hijacking and torture in the Capitol. I don’t need to stay here, I’m perfectly fine.” He doesn’t look convinced as he checks his papers and charts.

“Mr. Mellark, you are a healthy young man. But I was present at your relapse and I’m not sure if it’s wise to release you so soon after an episode like that.”

“Look,” I say through gritted teeth, “I’ve already told you, I know how to handle it. I’m fine now, back to normal, and I would like to return to my godson who is the actual one needing medical attention.” He turns to Mrs. Everdeen but she doesn’t say a word.

“Well…alright then. I’ll let Nurse Everdeen finish your discharge papers. If anything changes, though, please come right back here.” I nod and roll my eyes once he is gone.

“Why does everyone insist on making me worse than I really am?” 

“Peeta, you don’t see yourself when you are in that state. Really, he is just trying to help.”

“I don’t need help. I need Katniss. And I won’t get back to her until we help Finn. So I’m just wasting time here.” 

“Sign this,” she pushes the paper in my hands and I scrawl my name. 

“You can go ahead and go back to Finn’s room if you wish. I believe he is waking up right now.”

“Is he…will he walk again? Johanna says he might not.” She bites her lip and looks pale.

“The venom ran very deep. The tentacles were wrapped around his leg and if we had not taken some extreme measures, he would have died immediately.” I don’t ask what those extreme measures are.

“The poor boy is in so much pain and there is so much damage to his leg, the doctors are discussing if it would be better to just remove it altogether.” I feel sick and I have to swallow several times before I can speak.

“He’s an infant. You can’t take his leg. He’ll be…changed forever.” 

“We don’t want to, Peeta but we may not have a choice. And it may help with the pain. I’ve been researching these types of injuries and the pain lasts for a long time. He’s still so young, it may be easier to just remove his leg.”

“What does Annie think?”

“She hasn’t been in her right mind since we brought him here. Johanna had to make some of the medical decisions about Finn. Annie keeps calling out for Finnick.” I wince and feel deep sorrow for my friends. 

“So as Finn’s godparents, Johanna and I will have to make the decision about his leg?” She doesn’t look at me as she shuffles the papers.

“If Annie isn’t of sound mind, then yes, you may have to do what is best for the boy.” I sigh deeply, watching her walk away. Luckily the next person to enter my room is Johanna.

“Hey, you feeling better?”

“Much,” I nod. “I calmed Katniss down and we talked about some things. I wish I could go home tomorrow to spend our anniversary with her but Finn needs me here. She understands that.” 

“It’s already been a year? Seems like only yesterday I was watching her walk down that green carpet.” I nod, smiling at the memory.

“I know. Time flies. But we will celebrate when I get back. We need to talk about Finn.” 

“He’s awake but still crying out in pain. Annie just keeps crying. I don’t know what to do, Peeta.”

“Mrs. Everdeen said they want to take his leg.” She nods miserably.

“The doctors think it’s his best chance. The poison runs deep and did nerve damage. Even if he recovers from this, he may not walk normally again. And it may take a long time for him to recover. Shouldn’t we give him the chance to live without that pain? Aren’t you grateful they took yours instead of trying to repair it?”

“It was beyond repair, to be honest. And I was trying to help it along. I wanted to die and was using my injured leg to do it.” I still remember when I ripped off the tourniquet that Katniss had made for me. Once that announcement came on, that there could be only one winner, I decided it would be her and I was prepared for my death. Katniss still feels terribly guilty about me losing my leg but as I keep telling her, she saved my life. 

“Finn’s still a baby. He can learn to walk with a prosthesis easier because of his age. I don’t like this either Peeta but we may not have any other choice!” I hate that this choice is falling on us. Annie is not in her right mind to decide and it sounds like Johanna and I have conflicting opinions. I admit she is right that it would be easier for him to learn but I don’t want him to have to! I felt strange and different when I returned to 12. People gawked at me in the summer so much that I wore pants at all times, even in the hot summer months. 

“He’ll feel different,” I say in a pleading tone. “He’ll feel awkward and uncomfortable, all his life. I’d hate for him to endure that, from such a young age.”

“Except he has something you didn’t have.” 

“What’s that,” I say impatiently. Her brows go high in her hair.

“A bad-ass uncle ,with a prosthetic leg, who would do anything for him.” 

 

I’m exhausted and irritable. I keep snapping at Johanna and George and anyone who comes into this room. Thank God I haven’t seen Gale all night. Annie woke up about an hour ago and started screaming for Finnick, which woke up Finn. Johanna had to drag Annie away from the room and I stayed with a sobbing Finn. Now that he has finally gotten back to sleep, I rub my face and blink away the tiredness. I can’t take my eyes off the little boy and I know what I have to do. But by god it is the last thing I could possibly want. I feel like he will hate me forever for this. For making this impossible decision for him. One day when he gets old enough to ask, Annie will tell him that Johanna and I were the ones who took his leg and his chance to be normal. And he will despise us for it. As I despise the Capitol for taking everything from us.


	58. Chapter 58

I haven’t slept and know I need to go hunting. I glance at the clock and see that it’s far too late. If I could move from my bed, I would see that the sun is high in the sky now. I had told Helga I would come help at the Orphanage too but I don’t feel like moving. All I want is my husband.   
It’s our wedding anniversary. One year since I took his hand and pledged to be his forever, when I gave him a ring and assured him it was always and would always be him. 

I feel a surge of hatred towards Paylor and the government, before I remember it’s not her fault. The people of Panem don’t trust me and some still call for my execution. I didn’t know that until just a few months ago. 

Peeta had been watching some stupid Capitol drama that Plutarch was clearly responsible for, when he announced he was going to take a shower and go to bed. He kissed me goodnight and I changed the channel, to find myself watching some kind of court proceedings. Then I heard my name ring out. 

“Katniss Everdeen is a danger to society and needs to be eliminated immediately! We don’t need what happened to President Coin, happening to President Paylor!”

“Objection, Your Honor,” I saw Haymitch jump to his feet angrily. His hands were shaking and I didn’t think it was from the drink this time. “Katniss Everdeen had just cause for her actions, which I have already presented to you. You heard from her therapist of how her state of mind is. Combine her post traumatic stress disorder to the torture of her fiancé and the death of her sister and you have someone who cannot be expected to hold such a responsibility. Alma Coin was guilty of manipulation and first-degree murder.”

“And who appointed Miss Everdeen to carry out Alma Coin’s sentence,” a man spat out. “She took justice into her own hands! She needs to be punished! Your Honor, I call for the death penalty for one Katniss Everdeen of District 12.” 

I gaped at the TV, unable to move. I heard the water running upstairs so I got up and ran across the way to Haymitch’s house. I was relieved to find him sitting on the porch in his rocking chair.

“Late night visitor,” he said quietly. “What can I do for you, sweetheart?”

“You kept me from being executed.” It wasn’t a question but I saw a flicker of surprise on his face. 

“Yeah. I did.” I didn’t know what I expected but maybe for him to protest, assure me that it wouldn’t have come to that.  
He didn’t. He stared at me with a raised brow.

“You killed the president of District 13, Katniss. Did you expect everyone to be happy about that?”

“I was a rebel, like them. Why did they want to punish me?”

“You have to understand, sweetheart, Coin was really good with lies and deceit. But she did want what was best for her district. She played the game really well. Everyone did. Snow was good at covering his tracks and playing teams against each other. So was Coin. Panem thought that they would have a new leader and they didn’t know how bad Coin was yet. When you were imprisoned, evidence was presented that Coin was responsible for the Capitol bombs and that’s when we started getting the Judge to change his mind about sentencing you. In the end, as you know, it was decided that you would be returned to your home and kept under close watch. I accepted the assignment of keeping watch over you, which would be taken over by Peeta once he was deemed fit enough to return to you.”

I was shocked, hurt, and confused.

“We all thought Peeta was lost forever,” I said slowly. “You didn’t even know if he would return to me.”

“Sweetheart, I knew the boy a lot better than you did. I knew how deep his love for you ran. I knew he would overcome it. I didn’t know when but I knew one day he   
would come back to you.” I stood there and stared at my mentor. He shifted in his chair.

“You know, you thought that it was my strategy, for him to tell the world he loved you. Back in your first games, remember?” I could only nod.

“He was the one who told me he had been in love with you for years. That he was willing to die for you and that he would do anything to protect you in the arena. I knew at that moment that those Games would be different because I’d never seen someone so head over heels in love go into that arena. I knew the love story would get you sponsors but my greatest regret is letting you go in there, thinking it was just a strategy. I know you did what you had to, to survive, and Peeta knows that too but I can’t help but wonder, if I had just told him to confess it to you before he confessed it to the world…would it have made any difference?”  
I didn’t answer. How could I, when I didn’t even know that answer myself?

My legs felt heavy and numb but somehow I had found my way back to my house where Peeta was waiting for me inside. He was sitting on the stairs and the TV had been turned off. He jumped up as soon as I walked through the door and his arms were around me in seconds.

“You’re home. You’re safe.” I nodded, unable to speak. He pulled away, stroking my cheek. “Forget it, Katniss. What’s done is done, you know. We can’t change it. And Panem let you live for me. Everyone knew how much I needed you.” 

“You knew?” He nodded.

“Aurelius finally told me about the courts and their sentence. I was outraged when he said they almost had you executed. Even when I was coming back from my poisoned mind, I knew that was unfair and unjust. But Haymitch started coming to see me and he and Aurelius would both talk to me about you. Find out about how I felt about you. I guess…before he left to come back here, Haymitch could see that I could never stop loving you.” 

“You’re sentenced to watch over me,” I said bitterly, almost spitting the word. “Is that why you came back? To fulfull your assignment?”

“I came back because I knew I still felt something for you. I came back because 12 is my home, because it’s where you are. Aurelius asked me if I wanted to go to District 4 with Annie, or another district to get away from everything but I said I had to return to 12. If just to see you again.” He pulled me into his arms and I closed my eyes at the feel of his hand stroking my back.

“I love you Katniss. I loved you then and I love you now. I think I love you more every day. Nothing could keep me away from you. Nothing.”   
And he took me upstairs and I fell asleep in his arms. 

Now I miss those arms wrapping around me. I don’t know the number to the hospital and imagine he is with Finn anyway. So I have to wait until he calls me.

Somehow I drag myself out of bed and fix myself some lunch. The house is quiet and I don’t like it. It reminds me too much of what it was like when I first returned to 12. When I believed my life was over. 

When my phone rings that night, I trip over the table trying to get to it. 

“Hello,” I breathe into the phone.

“Sing to me, Katniss.” His voice is choked with tears and he sounds exhausted. I grip the phone as I lower myself to the floor.

“Peeta--“

“Please. I’m surrounded by these horrors and the only things that can always make me feel better are your voice and your arms. Since I can’t hold you right now, I need your voice. Sing to me. Please.” I can deny him nothing so I start humming an old tune I remember my father singing.

Twas on one dark and stormy night  The snow was on the ground  The sailor boy was at his post  His ship was outward bound

His sweetheart standing by his side  She mourned a bitter tear  Though as he pressed her to his side  He whispered in her ear

Farewell, my own true love  This parting gives me pain  And you will be my guiding star  'Til I return again

And then I think of you, my love  While storms are raging high  Then, oh sweetheart, remember me  Your faithful sailor boy

I listen while he cries quietly and he sniffles loudly. 

“Thank you Katniss. That was beautiful. Did he…did he ever make it home? The sailor, I mean?” I don’t want to tell him the end of the song. That the sailor boy died at sea and sent his love a note that said they would meet again in Heaven. In hindsight it may not have been the best song to sing to him.

“Of course. And they live together happily. You need to come home soon, so we can live together happily.”

“God I miss you,” he moans. “I miss you too. Now tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Annie is…well, she’s not able to make any sound decisions about her son’s health at the moment. It’s fallen on Johanna and I to make such decisions.”

“Decisions like what?”

“Like whether we let the doctors remove Finn’s leg.” I gasp, my hand flying to my mouth. I hear Peeta sob quietly and wish I could wrap my arms around him.

“Is is that serious?”

“He’s in so much pain, Katniss. And the poison and these wounds run deep. They don’t think he will ever walk the same and it will take him months, maybe even years, to recover. But I just can’t do it. I can’t condemn that sweet little boy to that kind of fate.

“It may be an act of mercy, Peeta,” I try to reason with him. “It may really help him. What does Johanna think?”

“She’s with the doctors. She thinks they should remove it and that it will help with the pain. She says it will be better for him, because he has me in his life. And I can help him with this because I know what he’s going through. But he’s still so young.” 

“She’s right. You can be there for him. I think Johanna and the doctors are right, Peeta. If Finn’s injuries are that serious, you need to think of what will be best for him in the long run.” I hear him sigh heavily and sniffle again.

“Now I understand why you never want children.” I freeze, gripping the phone.

“Too many uncertainties. Too many horrors. I’m freaking out bad enough about Finn and I can’t imagine how it would be if it were my son. Maybe you’re right. Maybe having children is just too terrifying to think about, because of the world we live in.” I hate hearing my optimistic husband sounding so defeated. Sure I don’t want kids but that doesn’t mean I want Peeta feeling like this.

“Peeta, do you know what being with you has taught me?”

“What?”

“That even though life has its uncertainties, we can’t dwell on what has happened or what might happen. We’ll never be happy that way. You taught me to look forward and as long as I have you by my side, I can handle whatever comes my way. You’re my ray of sunshine, Peeta. And for the first time in my life, I look forward to the future because you are in my life.” 

Well, that just did it. I hear him sobbing hysterically and I wish more than ever that I could hold him. I let him cry until he comes back to the phone and apologizes.

“I’m a mess right now. I just want to be home with you.”

“I know. But Finn needs you more than I do right now. Go take care of our godson and do what is best for him. Call me later if you need me.”

“I always need you,” he mutters and I can’t help but smile.

“I love you, Peeta.”

“And I love you Katniss.” He hangs up and I hope against hope that he does the right thing for Finn. 

I’m running through the Arena when I hear the phone ring. I turn around and frown. That’s strange. Just as I see the jabberjays approaching, I jerk awake and grab at the phone.

“’Lo,” I say sleepily.

“I’m sorry,” Peeta says hurriedly. “I forgot what time it is and oh god, I feel terrible.”

“No! You just saved me from what could have been a terrible nightmare. I saw the jabberjays coming and then I woke up.” 

“One of the worst moments of my life,” he says. “Watching you try to escape those mutts. The look of horror on your face. And I was completely powerless to help you.” 

“Are you alright,” I hastily change the subject.

“I can’t sleep. Finn’s operation is first thing in the morning and I am freaking out. Johanna has tried to get me to take something to help me sleep but I refused. Annie is still sleeping and doesn’t know what we are planning to do. I’m terrified that she and Finn will be livid when they find out, Katniss. What if they hate us for this?”

“They’ll both understand that it’s for the best,” I tell him gently. “We don’t want him to be in pain. Annie doesn’t want that either and if this is the best way to make sure he won’t be in pain, then she will understand that.” 

“I know, it’s just…I’m afraid for him, Katniss. I felt like such a freak when I returned to 12. And without you to keep me company…I dunno, I felt even more like an outsider.” I wince and bite my lip. He must sense my guilt because he quickly apologizes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. But…well, whenever I saw my friends from school or something, they treated me differently because I was a Victor. And then when they saw my prosthetic leg, they gave me these awful looks of pity. Pity is more painful than rage. That’s the only time I appreciated my mother’s not-so-kind words. Because she was the only one who didn’t look at me like I was dying. She just yelled at me that I wasn’t special and to get back to work.” I grit my teeth and bite back the names I want to call the witch who raised my sweet husband. I try not to speak ill of the dead. So I won’t say anything about her at all.

“It’s different now, Peeta. You know, Panem has merged and people are more understanding and accepting. We’re not punished for being different or living differently. Things will be better for Finn. It may be difficult at first but he will be just fine. He’s the child of Victors. He’s the godson of Victors. His life will be different, Peeta. We will make sure he is loved and treated well.” 

“Then I hope you think like that down the road,” he says through a yawn. “Our children would be loved and protected. And Katniss…all I can see is a little girl with your   
hair and your eyes. So beautiful and perfect and so real.” He sounds tired, his voice floating, and I wonder if he would be saying this if he weren’t deprived of sleep. 

“Maybe, Peeta. We will talk about it again in a couple of years.” He makes a small ‘hmm’ and I hear soft snoring. I smile and settle in the blankets, the phone resting on my cheek, and I fall asleep to his steady breathing as if he were in the bed beside me.


	59. Chapter 59

I wake up with the phone by my ear. I can hear Katniss’s soft breaths and I close my eyes and smile, imagining that I am right beside her. I need to go home to her. I can return again in a few weeks but my nightmares were rough and intense. It’s pathetic, the way I need her, but I decide I don’t care. Call me a lovesick fool but I need Katniss in every sense of the word. I don’t want to wake her up but I also don’t want to just hang up. I clear my throat and whisper her name. When she doesn’t respond, I say it just a bit louder.

“Mmm, Peeta?”

“I’m here. I need to go, though, they’ll be taking Finn back soon. I love you, Katniss. So much.”

“I love you too, Peeta,” she tries to stifle a yawn. “How much longer will you stay?” I bite my lip.

“I think I’m going to come on home tomorrow and come back in a few weeks. They won’t fit him with a prosthesis right away and I kind of want to be here when they do. I’ll make sure he’s ok from the operation but I’m looking at train tickets to come home tomorrow or the next day.”

“Stay as long as you need to,” she tells me. “I love you and need you but be a good godfather to him, especially since I can’t be there.” 

“I have a feeling he will need some time and space with just his mother for awhile,” I tell her nervously. “But I’ll talk to Annie and Jo and see what they think. I need to go see if Annie is awake yet. I’ll let you know what my travel plans are as soon as I know them.”

“Alright. I’ll talk to you soon.” She whispers ‘I love you’ into the phone and I smile as I hang up. Dressing quickly, I hurry down the hall to Finn’s room and see that both of them are awake. Annie is clinging to his hand and Finn looks like he is crying but I have to say, the boy is staying strong. Johanna is in the chair next to Annie and she smiles when I enter the room.

“Look who it is, Finn.”

“Uncle Peeta!” I smile and kneel beside his bed.

“How ya doing bud?” 

“I’m scared.” I nod. Definitely know that feeling well.

“I know. But the pain will go away and this will really help you feel better, ok?” He nods and turns to Annie.

“Mama, chocolate milk?” Johanna laughs and ruffles the boy’s hair.

“Silly little boy needs his chocolate milk. Let me make sure it’s ok for you to have some and Auntie Jo will run out and get it for you.” I try to catch Annie’s eye but she’s gazing down at her son. There’s a knock at the door and a smiling doctor I haven’t seen before enters the room.

“Morning everyone. Finn, little buddy, how are you feeling?”

“Scared.” 

“That’s ok. But we’re going to take good care of you, ok? Do you want anything before we let you go to sleep?”“Chocolate milk?” 

“Hmm,” the doctor says, tapping his chin. “I think that’s a pretty good cure for nerves. I’ll order you some right away.” Finn claps excitedly and Annie and Johanna smile gratefully at the doctor. He turns to me and shakes my hand.

“I’m Doctor Tollins, Mr. Mellark. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“How did--“

“Oh don’t pretend that you three don’t have the most recognizable faces in Panem,” he says softly and I quickly glance at the girls. 

“I’ll go get Finn’s milk and then we will move him upstairs, alright? I’m afraid only one of you can stay with him during the surgery.”

“We’ll be in the waiting room when he wakes up,” Johanna says firmly. I nod in agreement. 

“Alright. I’ll have Nurse Everdeen bring in the forms you need to fill out. I’ll be right back.” I kneel beside Finn’s bed and squeeze his hand. He gives me a weak smile and winces as he tries to move his leg. The door opens and Mrs. Everdeen enters, holding a clipboard. She smiles at all of us and ruffles Finn’s curls.

“Alright sweet boy, the doctor has gone to get you a treat and we are going to move you upstairs to another room, alright?” He nods nervously and she smiles warmly. I don’t think I’ve seen that smile on her face except at our wedding. 

“Annie, dear, do you want to fill these out?” Annie’s hand trembles as she takes the clipboard but at least she seems present and of sound mind. Johanna watches her protectively and I stay close to Finn.

“Let’s go ahead and get you moving.” She bends down and pushes the lever on the bed, so it can now roll. Finn gasps and squeezes my hand.

“Stay wif me, Uncle Peeta.” I bite my lip and blink back tears.

“Always, little guy.” I hold onto his hand while Mrs. Everdeen rolls him to the elevator and Annie and Johanna squeeze in together, Annie reaching down to push Finn’s hair out of his eyes. She gives him a sad smile and strokes his cheek.

We follow Mrs. Everdeen down the hall and into an empty room. She pushes Finn’s bed against the wall and puts the lever into place.

“Ok, go ahead and finish the forms and I’ll be right back. Finn, do you need anything from me before I go?” He shakes his head and she pats his arm. Doctor Tollins returns a few minutes later with Finn’s chocolate milk and we smile as Finn grabs it and drains it in two gulps. 

“Ok, Finn, you about ready?” He nods, looking nervous and the doctor smiles.

“Everyone is going to be right beside you when you wake up, ok? I promise, everything will be ok.” 

“Ok,” Finn says softly. Mrs. Everdeen comes in, holding a gigantic needle that looks bigger than Finn! I try to shift to the side so that Finn doesn’t see it and Mrs. Everdeen pats my shoulder.

“Hold his hand for me, Peeta.” Finn tries to turn to watch her move around him but I keep him focused on me. 

“Hey little guy, keep looking at me ok? Tell me what you’re going to do for your birthday this year. What kind of party do you want?”

“Trains,” he says immediately. “Lots of trains and there’s this--OW!” He yells out as Mrs. Everdeen pushes the needle in and his head whips around. He tries to get away but Johanna and I place our hands on his arm and hold him still.

“Finn, shh, you have to stay still sweetie, ok? Talk to Uncle Peeta,” Johanna coos. “Tell us about the trains.” 

“Well,” he sniffles and I can already see the anesthesia working, for his eyes are growing heavy and his tears are drying quickly. “I want…train cake…a whole train…”

“I bet Uncle Peeta could make that for you,” Johanna says with a smile. I nod.

“You bet, bud. A big train, just for you.”

“Thanks Uncle Peeta,” he says before he slumps backward and his eyes slam shut. Doctor Tollins and several other nurses wheel his bed away for surgery and we squeeze Annie’s hand before she follows him. I follow Johanna out into the waiting room and I sigh as I lean my head back against the wall.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she says softly and I open my eyes to look at her.

“Yeah, me too.”

“He needs a man in his life. You’re the closest he has to a father.” I feel my throat tighten and I nod.

“I know. The kid knows I’m crazy about him.”

“Don’t worry, Peeta. Katniss will realize that she wants them one day.” My brow furrows as I stare at her in bemuseument. She only smiles.

“You two are going to make great parents.” 

“I’m not so sure of that, Jo,” I say with a deep sigh. “Katniss is pretty adament that she doesn’t want them. And I’ll always choose her first. Whenever she tries to give me a choice, when she tells me to leave her and find someone else, I tell her I don’t need kids because I have her. And it’s true. Sure I want children one day. But I won’t force her. If she really feels that strongly about it, I won’t try to push kids on her. Losing Prim broke something inside her and I like to think that I am helping to fix it. But I also think losing the person she loved most in this world changed her in the worst possible way.”

“Of course it changed her,” she says gently. “We’re all changed. But I have seen you two grow and help each other and…my god, I never thought I would see her smile so much! You do that, Peeta. You just have to give it time. Don’t rush things. You’ve only been married for a year. You guys are so young, you don’t need to figure it all out right now.”

“I didn’t say we did. But I…being around Finn makes it more painful, when I realize I may never have that.” She pats my arm and sighs.

“Don’t be so quick to dismiss miracles, Peeta.” My eyes widen and I gape at her. She quirks her brow at me, bemused.

“It’s just…my father used to say that.” 

“Well, your father is a smart man. And you should listen to him. Just have faith, bread boy.” She leans against the wall and winces. “God this is uncomfortable. I’m going down for a coffee, do you want one?” I shake my head while she hurries off. I sigh and pull my leg underneath me as I try to get comfortable. I glance at the clock and know we could be here for a long time.

What seems to be days later, Doctor Tollins comes out of the room, his front covered with blood. I blanch and hunch over, hiding my face between my knees. Johanna’s hand makes comforting patterns on my back and Dr. Tollins groans.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Mellark. I wasn’t even thinking.”

“How is he,” I hear Johanna ask.

“He’s doing well. The surgery went smoothly and he is about to wake up. I thought you both would like to be by his side when he does.”

“Yes, thank you,” Johanna says quickly and I see his shoes moving away. 

“Hey,” she says softly, leaning in. “It’s ok. Deep breaths. In. Out. Very good.” I obey and sit back up. She gives me a steady smile.

“Good job. You want to go in and see him?” I nod and follow her into Finn’s room. 

He’s still asleep when we walk in. But the covers are flung aside and I see Finn lying there motionless, the bloody stump of his leg wrapped in bandages. It looks as if they left his knee and took everything below it. Though it’s his left leg, like mine, mine was cut off at the thigh and he gets to keep his knee. I have to steady myself against the wall. Suddenly I see Darius, the Avox they tortured in front of me to break me. They broke and cut off his limbs, bit by bit and I can still hear his garbled screams. I close my eyes, feeling dizzy, and mutter a quick apology before I duck out of the room.

Back in the hall, I place my hands on my knees and bend over, doing my best to steady my breathing. Like Jo said. In. Out. Deep breaths. 

“Are you alright,” I hear a soft voice behind me and I whirl around.

“Annie, get back to your son. I’m fine.”

“He’s still asleep. I was worried about you.” I shrug.

“I’m fine.”

“The nightmares will never leave us, Peeta. But life does go on and gets better. I know you know that.” I wince and she takes me into her arms. Annie was in the cell next to me in the Capitol. I hear hers and Johanna’s screams in my sleep and try as I might, I’ll never forget the horror we endured together in there. Annie was completely innocent in the whole thing. Not that I knew anything about a rebel plan but I was being punished for defying the Capitol with the nightlock. Later I learned that they were really doing it to break Katniss. Annie and I were both tortured to destroy our loves. Finnick confessed to me in 13 that he had known for a long time that Katniss loved me.   
Of course then I didn’t believe him.

Annie strokes my hair and leans back, giving me a weak smile.

“Thank you for being here, Peeta. I can’t thank you enough, really.”

“You don’t have to. I’m here whenever you need me. And Katniss feels terrible that she can’t be here.” 

“Tell her I completely understand. It’s not her fault and I appreciate you coming. Are you ok now?” I still feel a little lightheaded but I nod.

“Let’s get back to Finn.” 

He doesn’t wake up immediately and Annie, Johanna, and I attempt to swap jokes to pass the tense time. When Finn starts to wake, Annie rushes to his side and grips his hand.

“How are you doing, baby?”

“Mama?”

“I’m here, Finn. I’m right here.” Johanna and I turn away as Annie bursts into tears over her son and we attempt to give them some privacy. 

Finn has been a trooper through this whole thing. He says the pain is not as bad and Doctor Tollins has explained the next steps, which is recovery and rehabilitation. He looks up at me and smiles.

“Your Uncle Peeta can help you, if you need it. You know he is just like you, don’t you?” When Finn looks confused, I bring my leg up to the chair and allow Finn to poke through my jeans. He looks up at me with wide eyes.

“Your leg gone too?”

“Sure is, buddy. And I’ll tell you, it’s not that bad, living with one leg. You can do everything everyone else can do. You’ll just have to be patient and learn to walk with a prosthesis. A new leg, so to speak.” 

“Uncle Peeta needs to get back to Aunt Katniss but what do you say we go to District 12 for Christmas in a couple of weeks and see them both?” Finn looks excited.

“Yay! Auntie Niss!” I grin at Annie and tousle Finn’s curls.

“She can’t wait to see you, little guy. Your mama can call me whenever you like, ok? If you have any questions or just want to talk, I’m here, alright?” He nods and I kiss his cheek. Annie hugs me tightly and I kiss her too. Johanna walks me out and we collect my things from the room down the hall. 

In the lobby, Gale waits by the door. Johanna gives me a quick hug.

“Thanks again for coming, Peeta. It means a lot to them.”

“We’re family, Jo. That’s what family does.” She nods. 

“You and George should come for Christmas too. I’m sure Katniss would love to have everyone.” 

“I’ll talk to him and see. It sounds nice, a family gathering.” I like how she says family. Like she is testing out the word. I smile and kiss her cheek before I gather my bags. I join Gale at the door and he doesn’t say anything as he holds the door for me and drives me to the train station. We say a brisk farewell and I board the train, counting the hours until I’m back in my wife’s arms.

Of course I was forced to get the last train of the night and it’s well past midnight when we pull into 12. The district is silent and dark as I make my way towards Victor’s Village, my bags in hand.

The house is dark as I let myself in and I set my bags down by the door. I close the door as quietly as I can and slip off my shoes so I won’t make noise on the stairs.  
It’s all in vain, I discover, for when I enter the bedroom as quietly as I can, the lamp flicks on and Katniss is sitting up in bed. Her wide eyes rake over me and she looks surprised.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming in?”

“I had to catch the late train and didn’t want to wake you,” I don’t know why I’m whispering but I bite my lip as she flings the covers aside and stands up on her knees. I approach the bed and she wraps her arms around my neck, my hands resting on her hips. Her hand moves down my chest and her eyes study me intently. 

“I missed you so much,” she says before her lips are on mine. She pulls me back onto the bed and I fall over her, placing my hands on either side of her head so I won’t crush her into the sheets.

“Damn Katniss, I’ve been gone barely 2 days.” 

She ignores me, her fingers frantically working at the buttons of my shirt and she pulls it down my arms and throws it aside. Her hands splay across my chest as my hand moves to stroke her cheek, then travels lower, playing with the thin straps of the camisole she is sleeping in. I move my hand down to palm her breast and tweak her nipple through her shirt. She moans against my lips, as she tugs my lip into her mouth, I slide my hand under her shirt and knead her flesh. She parts her legs and I rest between them, already feeling hard and restrained by the material. I reach down and yank her lace underwear down her legs and throw them to the side. She rises up and starts yanking at my jeans and boxers, tugging them both down around my legs. She moves to her knees by my side and takes me in her hand. I reach around and cup her ass, my fingers moving down her slit and feeling how wet she is for me. Fuck. I’ll never get used to this. How aroused she gets for me, how she whimpers my name, how she feels around me. She is bending down to take me into her mouth and my hand rests on her head. She looks up at me, surprised and a little hurt. I lean down to give her a kiss and I stroke her cheek.

“Babe as much as I love you sucking me off, all I want is to be inside you at this moment.” She bites her lip but gives me a sly grin and tugs my bottom lip between her teeth. My hips jerk upwards and I pull her flush against me. It takes some getting situated but I have us on our sides and I slide inside her, my arms wrapping around her hips. She moans and reaches back to grip my hair in her fist, tugging hard. My fingertips dig into her hips as I pull her into me, getting lost in our passion. I hold one of her legs in the air and continue my thrusts. She wraps her leg around my neck and I lean down to kiss her, my hand moving from her leg to rub fast hard circles on her clit. She throws her head back and screams and I watch her as she comes. It’s the most beautiful sight in the world, watching her come undone. I struggle to hold on longer as I feel her clench around me and I feel her fingers squeeze my wrist. 

“Oh god Peeta! Peeta!” 

“Shit Katniss. God I love you so much.” I squeeze her breast in my hand, and move back down to rub at her again. I know I won’t last much longer so I make sure to take her with me. When I stiffen inside her, I push all the way forward and still for a moment, my fingers rubbing frantically. She screams my name to the silent room and grabs me for a rough kiss. I don’t want to break apart from her and we lie like that for a while, until she says she has to go to the bathroom. I suppose I fell asleep because I feel her soft hands on my face and I open my eyes to see her leaning over me, her breasts right above my face.

“Come take a bath with me,” she says softly and she leads me off the bed and into the bathroom.  
She leans against the tile wall and pulls me into her, my head resting on her breast. I close my eyes as she leans down and kisses my forehead, pushing my hair out of my eyes. 

“How is Finn?”

“He’s doing well. Annie is bringing him here for Christmas.” I see her eyes light up and I smile as I bring her down to kiss me again.

“The surgery went well then?”

“The doctor said everything went smoothly. He kept more of his leg than I did mine. Thank goodness the damn creature didn’t get higher than his knee.”

“Poor little guy. He’s so young.” 

“He’ll be ok. And Annie was fine too. She wound up comforting me at one point.” I find her hands under the water and bring her arm around my chest. “I’m sorry I missed our anniversary.”

“Peeta, don’t be sorry. I wanted you to be there. I’m glad you went. We have many more anniversaries to celebrate.” Though that makes my heart lighter, I still feel terrible.

“But…it was our first one.” 

“Well, I promise you, we will do something huge for our… fifteenth anniversary,” she nods as if it’s decided. I lean back and smirk up at her.

“I have to wait fifteen years to do something big with you?”

“No, but it’s just guaranteed for our 15th.” I laugh and shake my head and she splashes me with her fingers.

“Oh Mrs. Mellark, you do not want to challenge me.”

“What are you going to do about it, Mr. Mellark,” she says teasingly, though her eyes darken with lust. I’m sure they echo mine. I turn around and reach my arms out to grip the tub, trapping her. I lean between her legs to kiss her, and my fingers slide under the water to find her folds. Even without the water she has a slickness that invites me into her. I curve two fingers and thrust in and out, my tongue lapping at the droplets of water on her throat and chest. I withdraw my hand and suck my fingers dry before I gather her in my arms and stand up in the bathtub. Her legs wrap around my waist and my cock is trapped between us. I ignore the fact that we are both dripping water all over the floor and I carry her into the bedroom. Holding her wet and naked body close to mine makes me shiver in anticipation, even though it’s barely been twenty minutes since I last had her. I gently toss her onto the sheets and spread her legs wide. She grips my hair as I move down between her thighs and I relish the cry that comes from deep within her throat.

“Happy belated anniversary, Mrs. Mellark,” I glance up at her and see her watching me, her lip between her teeth, her eyes dark, and a sweet sheen of sweat breaking out on her face.


	60. Chapter 60

The sunlight pours in the open window and I wince, trying to bury my face in the covers. I move against a warm weight and smile when I see my husband’s face inches from mine. I lean up to kiss his cheek, his nose, his chin, and finally his lips. He moans a little and turns his head. I glance at the window and decide it’s too late to go hunting. More than likely, I will stay in bed with Peeta all day. He was right, he hasn’t been gone that long but it felt like years. 

I push the blankets back and pad into the bathroom. When I’m finished I wash my hands and glance in the mirror before heading back to bed. Peeta is still asleep and I yawn and think I might join him for a few more hours. Then my eyes fall on the bedside table, where my medications are.

Oh my god. My medications.

I start hyperventilating and Peeta is sitting straight up, reaching out for me.

“Baby? Katniss, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

“My…my pills,” I gasp out. “I didn’t…I haven’t…”

“Katniss, what IS it?” I point to the tray of medicines and he turns, frowning.

“I don’t understand.”

“My birth control! I forgot to take it!” I see him freeze and turn pale. He turns to look at the medicines and turns back to me.

“So what do we do?” his voice is low and wary. I am shaking and start rocking back and forth. He moves forward and his hands go to my arms, shaking me gently.

“Hey, hey, it will be ok. I promise, everything will be ok.”

“How do you know,” I shriek. “I could be pregnant Peeta!” Oh god. Oh god that word. I shake my head and leap out of bed. He follows me, ignoring his state of dress. 

“Katniss, listen to me. You need to calm down. Let’s call your mother and see if there is anything we can do.” I nod and run into the study to dial her number. Peeta follows me, wearing his boxers, and he wraps a robe around me. 

“It’ll be ok,” he whispers in my ear before he kisses my cheek. I try to steady my breathing as I put the phone on speaker. I hear my mom’s voice and I suck in a breath. Peeta glances at me and moves closer to the phone.

“Mrs. Everdeen, it’s Peeta and Katniss. We need to ask you a question.”

“What is it, dears?” Dears? Since when does my mother use petnames? The woman is giving me whiplash with her mood swings. I glance at Peeta and bite my lip. Well, at least I know where I get it from.

“We wanted to ask you if there is anything to take when you have missed your birth control.” The line is silent and I squeeze my eyes shut. Oh my god we are confessing to my mother that we have sex! I mean, we’re married, I know she knows but I mean, my husband actually talking to my mother about this…ugh. I think I’m going to be sick.

“How late is she?” 

“I was supposed to take them yesterday,” I find my voice. “With everything that’s happened…I forgot.” 

“Alright. You’re not that late. Call your OBGYN and tell her you need a hormone tablet. Tell her you were late on your birth control. And you two be careful for a few days, alright? You might want to seek other methods for a few days.” I wince in mortification. I see Peeta is red too. 

“Ok Mom. Thanks.” 

“Call me if there’s anything else.” She seems as anxious to end this call as I am. I press end and breathe deeply. He pulls me into his arms and he rests his chin on my head.

“Do you want me to go to the doctor with you?”

“Don’t you need to get back to work?”

“I just got back. I wanted to spend the day with my wife.” I smile up at him and see his face soften.

“You won’t see me complaining. Let me get dressed.” 

When I’m dressed and ready, Peeta is waiting patiently by the door. He pulls my father’s hunting jacket off the rack and offers it to me. We walk quickly to town and he shivers.

“4 was a lot warmer, even with it being winter. We should really look into getting a carriage and some horses. Or even a car.” 

“Do we leave Victor’s Village that much?” He shrugs, his teeth chattering.

“I still make the walk to the Bakery. It’s not a long walk but in this weather it’s pretty awful.” I squeeze his hand and he pulls me into his side. People call out and wave to us as we pass and we don’t do more than nod in their direction, too cold to stop or remove our hands from our coats. 

When we reach the doctor’s office, Peeta takes my jacket as I sign in at the window. The woman takes the clipboard and smiles cheerfully. No one should look that happy in a doctor’s office.

“Take a seat, Miss Everdeen and we will be with you shortly.”

“Mellark,” I correct her. “It’s Mellark now.” She giggles and her hand claps over her mouth.

“Of course. Mrs. Mellark. So sorry.” I cast her a puzzled glance before I rejoin Peeta in the waiting area. He has a broad grin on his face and my brow raises even higher.

“What?”

“Nothing. I just love hearing it come out of your mouth.” 

“Hearing what?”

“My last name, as your name. I always thought of “Mrs Mellark” as my mother but growing up, I would always practice saying your name with mine. Ryean would tease me to no end whenever he heard me saying it. ‘Katniss Mellark this, and Katniss Mellark that. That stupid ‘Peeta and Katniss sitting in a tree’ was his favorite rhyme when we were younger.” I can’t help but smile at the blush that stains his cheeks. I kiss him softly and smile.

“I love the sound of it too,” I breathe and he looks lost in love.   
Doctor Mersa calls me back and I tug on Peeta’s hand. We follow her to the back room, and she gestures to the examining table. Peeta stops in the doorway and when I turn to look at him, I see his eyes are wide and he is shaking. I rush to him and grip his face in my hands.

“Peeta, look at me. You’re ok. You’re safe. You’re in 12 with me. We’re ok. We’re together.” He stares at the examining table until I am able to tear his gaze away. He blinks and looks at me and I can see his eyes darkening, almost turning black. My hands move down to slide into his and I squeeze them tightly.

“Stay with me, Peeta. Just stay with me.” 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mellark. It’s Mellark now.” A broad grin covers my face at her stern words. I hear the nurse giggle and Katniss sits next to me, rolling her eyes. When she looks at me, my smile only grows.

“What?” she asks suspiciously.

“Nothing.I just love hearing it come out of your mouth.” 

“Hearing what?”

“My last name, as your name. I always thought of “Mrs Mellark” as my mother but growing up, I would always practice saying your name with mine. Ryean would tease me to no end whenever he heard me saying it.” I blush as I realize what I just told her. Whatever. She knows I have been in love with her since I was a child. She quirks an eyebrow and I shrug. “‘Katniss Mellark this, and Katniss Mellark that. That stupid ‘Peeta and Katniss sitting in a tree’ was his favorite rhyme when we were younger,” I mumble and she laughs. She leans in to kiss me and presses her forehead to mine.

“I love the sound of it too,” she practically purrs. I suck in a breath as my eyes bore into hers. God I love this woman. I will never ever get used to being able to call her mine. 

Before I get lost in my thoughts, I hear someone call Katniss’s name. She rises and I watch her, uncertain if she wants me to go back with her. But when she tugs on my hand, I know I’m supposed to follow her. 

Her doctor leads us to a room in the back and I try to banish the uneasy thoughts I’m feeling. But when we enter the room, I lose control.

I’m slammed down onto the table and my hands are held down over my head while someone cuffs them to the table. I struggle renlentlessly, screaming for them to let me go. A Peacekeeper punches me in the stomach and I wince and try to double up but am now unable to move. I feel my legs being strapped down as well and a hand rests on my throat.

“Are you going to try to escape, Mr. Mellark?” 

“Go to hell,” I snap. My reward is a sharp punch to the face. I blink as I feel blood drip from my lip. Someone moves a chain over my throat and I gasp as I feel my breath leaving me. It’s not tight but if I try to move, I’ll choke. Someone yanks on my hair and my head hits the metal table again.

“You haven’t been honest with President Snow,” the Peacekeeper snaps.

“Fuck you! I haven’t lied about anything! Let me go, damn it!” I feel my arm being turned and some sort of prick. I wince as I feel pain flooding through my entire body.   
I grit my teeth to keep the screams in. But they wind up escaping. They echo around the sterile room. 

“Peeta! look at me. You’re ok. You’re safe. You’re in 12 with me. We’re ok. We’re together.” I squeeze my eyes shut. 

Mutt. Capitol Mutts. She’s a mutt. She’ll kill you.

She loves you. You love her. You have to protect her. 

They destroyed her. They turned her into a mutt. You have to kill her before she kills you.

“Stay with me Peeta. Just stay with me.” 

Stay with me.

Always.

Don’t let him take you from me.

Stay with me.

Always…


	61. Chapter 61

Peeta seems to go limp in my arms. Behind me, Doctor Mersa hasn’t moved. I can’t bring myself to tear my eyes away from Peeta. He slumps against me, breathing heavy, but his arms wrap around me. 

“Katniss,” I hear him whisper and I know he’s back. I raise his face to kiss his lips and he shakes beneath me.

“I’m right here,” I assure him. “You’re safe in my arms. Always.” He blinks and leans back a little.

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking ashamed and I take his face in my hands again.

“Don’t be. Ever. Why don’t you wait outside for me and I will be finished shortly?” He nods and he looks back at Doctor Mersa, his mouth opening as if he wants to say something but he seems to think better of it. He strokes my cheek once before he goes back out into the hall. I start to approach the table but whip around and run out into the hall. He is almost to the door of the waiting room when I call his name. 

“Don’t…just wait for me, ok?” I see him smile slightly.

“Of course.” I nod and when I turn to go back into the room, he is still standing in the hall.

“I’m sorry about that,” I mutter to Doctor Mersa. She waves her hand.

“As you told him, don’t be. I understand. Well, I can’t possibly ever understand but I understand there is no helping it. Now then, what can I do for you today, Katniss?”

“Right. Um…well, I forgot to take my birth control pills and I’m two days late.” 

“And you and Peeta…?” Blushing, I nod. She smiles and pats my hand.

“You’re married, Katniss. Nothing to be ashamed of. I’m going to give you a hormone tablet and you continue to take your pills regularly. I’d say for the next three days, you need to use condoms when you have sex. Or at least make sure he doesn’t ejaculate inside you, ok?” I’m mortified by this conversation so I just nod. I don’t care if it’s considered normal for couples, I don’t ever want to discuss it with anyone. She hands me a pink tablet and a cup of water and I swallow it down. She nods in approval and writes something on her clipboard.

“Alright Katniss, you’re all set. I know how you feel about condoms, but just be as safe as you can be.”

“Doctor, are there ways to ensure I can never get pregnant?” Her face falls.

“Those are extreme measures, Katniss. Have you discussed this with your husband?”

“I’m not…I mean, I’m not doing it, but I was just curious.” She frowns and looks down at her clipboard. She doesn’t seem to want to look at me for the rest of the visit.

“There are various medical procedures we can conduct on both you and Mr. Mellark.”

“Wait, what? What would you do to Peeta?” 

“It is known as a vasectomy. It will ensure he can no longer release sperm.” Oh god, I feel sick. Peeta would never…and I would never ask him to! And all this talk of permanent methods and medical procedures makes me lightheaded. I turn and grip the wall and feel her behind me.

“You’re still very young, Katniss. Please don’t make any hasty decisions. You told me last time that Peeta has a right to a family.”

“He does but he won’t get that with me,” I say and I notice my voice quivers. “I mean, even if I eventually come around, who says I can? After all I have been through…can I even have children?”

“I see no reason why not. You are perfectly healthy and everything looks to be in good shape down there.” I blush and shake my head. She pats my arm and pushes a bag into my hands.

“There’s some extra pills in there. Take them tonight with dinner. I’ll see you next month for your scheduled appointment?” I nod and she escorts me out. Peeta is sitting in the waiting area, wringing his hands. He jumps up when he sees me and I give him a small smile.

“Everything alright?” I nod.

“Just need to be careful for a few days, that’s all.” He breathes and his hands rest on my waist. My eyes search his and I see he still looks pale.

“Are you alright?” He clears his throat, looking embarrassed.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry about that, I just…”

“I know. And I told you to stop apologizing for your flashbacks.” He sighs heavily.

“I just wish they would stop interrupting our lives.”

“You are so strong, Peeta, and have come so far. I knew when I married you they would be a part of our lives. As long as I can help bring you back and you can fight it off, we have nothing to worry about.” His hand slips into mine and squeezes.

“You’re my rock, Katniss.” I smile and cup his chin.

“You’re my everything, Peeta.” 

 

Thanksgiving is a small affair for us and decide to just cook for the two of us. Dane is home taking care of Cora and when we invite Hazelle and the kids, she tells us she is taking them to 2 to visit Gale. It surprises me that Rory is going but I think the boys need to work out their differences. Peeta and I have a quiet evening in front of the fireplace and enjoy the pie that he baked earlier this morning. I notice that as far as intimacy goes, we are a bit strained. He doesn’t seem to want to push and I am grateful for that. I continued to take my birth control as scheduled and haven’t missed any others but I am still scared. Is there a chance I could have Peeta’s child inside me? And what will I do if it is? I can’t possibly keep it. But then, I could never do anything to hurt Peeta either. 

I feel him stroking my cheek and I glance up at him. He smiles and pokes at the corner of my mouth.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Just thinking how much food we are going to make for Christmas this year.” He quirks a brow and I know he doesn’t believe me.

“You’re a terrible liar, love.”

“How do you know that’s not what I’m thinking about?”

“Your frown lines are much more prominent these days,” he nudges my mouth, trying to make me smile. “Come on Katniss, I know you. I’ve watched you for years, remember? I know when something is bothering you. So tell me what it is.”

“It’s nothing,” I say dismissively. “Just worried about Finn. That’s all.” He watches me for a moment before he shakes his head.

“Ok,” he says in resignation before he rises to his feet and announces he is going to bed. I watch him sadly, knowing I’ve upset him. He gets scared whenever I don’t tell him something. But how can I tell him I’m scared I may be pregnant? He wouldn’t be able to contain the joy. He couldn’t control the eagerness and longing in his eyes. I know him. He will pretend to be unhappy about it, for me, and that makes it even worse.   
I can’t. When I go upstairs, I find him already in bed, turned away from me. He is almost at the edge of the bed and I climb in beside hm. There is a distance between us and neither of us fills it. I fall asleep and have nightmares all night. But I don’t scream out. I don’t even writhe and shake. I keep it all in, as much as I possibly can. If Peeta has noticed anything is wrong, he certainly isn’t letting on. 

The silence continues for two days. I think about calling Annie to ask her but I know she will be busy taking care of Finn. So I swallow heavily and dial my mother’s number. I am surprised when she picks up and I take a deep breath.

“Mom, I need to know how long before I can take a pregnancy test,” I say in one breath. The line is silent.

“Katniss, why do you think you are pregnant?”

“I don’t think I am! But I want to be sure.”

“Have you been experiencing any fatigue? Naseua? Are you breasts sore?” 

“Just a little tired. But not really sick. I mean, I have been--”

“Then I don’t think you have anything to worry about it,” she cuts me off.

“Mom, I forgot my pills,” I say desperately. “What if I am?” She sighs.

“You can go to the store and take one today, if you like. It’s nearly been two weeks, hasn’t it?” I quickly scan the calendar and nod.

“Just about.”

“Some women take much longer than others to show symptoms. Most pregnancy alerts come six weeks in. But you can probably take a test this early on. I don’t think you are, Katniss, but I know how much you want to be sure. Do it while Peeta is at work.” I frown and hold back my retort when I realize she is right. It will get his hopes up and all my fears will be confirmed.  
I thank her and hang up and pull on my coat and gloves. I keep my head lowered as I pass the bakery, determined not to look into the windows and see my husband hard at work. 

I carry the plastic bag clenched in my fists and go straight to the bathroom. Those ten minutes that I wait are the most excruciating minutes of my life. When I glance at my watch, I heave a deep breath before turning the stick over.

Negative. I hadn’t realized I had stopped breathing until I let it all out. I’m not pregnant. I slump to the floor and curl up in a ball. For one tiny second, I’m disappointed. And then I hit myself for even thinking it. I don’t want kids, right? 

So why do I feel so…empty?


	62. Chapter 62

I pull the garland around the tree and glance up at the ceiling. Katniss still hasn’t come down and I’m getting really worried. She’s been hiding in the bed a lot and blames it on the cold weather but I know she’s been avoiding me. I don’t really know why though. After our visit to Dr. Mersa I thought things would go back to normal but clearly I was wrong. We haven’t made love in weeks. She will barely touch me, let alone look at me. It feels like it did before we got married and I can’t stand it. This morning I came downstairs to make her cheesebuns but when I yelled up the stairs what I had made, she still didn’t come down. So I set to decorating for Christmas, trying to distract myself with preperations. I hear a knock at the door and see Posy’s grinning face through the window. I throw it open and hug both Hawthornes.

“Well hello Posy! Rory, how are you two doing?”

“We’re fine. Mom wanted us to go shopping for some things for Christmas dinner and Posy insisted we stop by and see if you needed any help with decorating.” I grin down at the little girl whom I have grown very fond of.

“That would be so great, Posy, thank you. Here, why don’t you finish this strand of garland and I can start putting the ornaments on the tree?”   
I want to ask Rory how his visit with Gale in 2 went. I know he didn’t really want to go but his mother convinced him it would be good for everyone. I do too, to be honest. Rory’s always looked up to his brother. I’m sure Gale feels shut off from his family, being in 2 while they are here. I’m silent, though, as I listen to Posy go on and on about what she hopes Santa will bring her this year.

Rory helps his sister with the garland and wreaths and I almost have the tree completely decorated when Posy gasps.

“Peeta, it’s so pretty! It’s time to put the star on top!”

“It sure is. Would you like to do the honors?” I hold the silver star out to her but she shakes her head.

“Katniss did it last year. She should put it up there again.” I bite my lip.

“She, um, isn’t feeling too great Posy.”

“Peeta! You should make her breakfast in bed!”

“I tried. She just wouldn’t come downstairs.” Rory frowns and tries to catch my eye but I busy myself with the star in my hands.

“So, um, Posy, would you like to put the star up there?” She takes it from my hand but instead of putting it on the tree, she runs up the stairs with it. I gasp and Rory and I take off after her.

“Posy!”

“Katniss! Katniss, it’s Posy!” I hear the little girl calling out. 

“Damn it,” I hear Rory curse behind me and I burst into our bedroom to find Posy sitting on the bed, shaking Katniss.

“Posy, come on, let’s--“

“Come on Katniss, are you really sick?” She looks scared and worried and I sigh. I watch Katniss sit up and hug the little girl.

“I’m fine, Posy. Just tired. What do you have there?”

“The star for the Christmas tree. You put it on last year, I think you should do it again this year.”

“Well aren’t you sweet. Give me a moment to get dressed, ok? I’ll be right down.” Posy claps her hands excitedly and runs out of the room. Katniss’s eyes meet mine for a moment before she looks away and makes her way to the closet. 

“I made you cheesebuns,” I call toward the closet.

“Thank you. That was really nice of you.” Her voice sounds strained and I peer into the closet to see her pulling on a shirt. I lean against the threshold and sigh.

“Katniss, what’s happening to us?” She doesn’t turn around.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re married and we’re acting like we did when I first came back to 12. I don’t want to feel like that…like before our wedding, when we nearly fell apart. I feel like…like I am losing you all over again.” She straightens her shirt and quickly braids her hair on the side. Then she comes over to me and her arms go around my neck. I stare down at her, searching her eyes for any reason why she has been shutting me out.

“I’m sorry Peeta,” she whispers. “I’m ok, I promise. I was just really scared after I missed my pills and…well, anyway. I’m fine. I didn’t know Posy was visiting.” I sigh at her change of subject. But I ignore it and nod.

“Yeah Rory brought her over to help with decorations. Will you join us?”

“Yeah I’ll be right down.” I lean down and kiss her cheek and she smiles but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. I trudge back downstairs and Posy is waiting impatiently by the tree. When Katniss joins us, Posy shoves the star into her hands. Katniss stands on her tiptoes to reach the top of the tree but it is taller than the one we had last year. I carefully hoist her up and one of her hands squeezes my shoulder while she reaches up and attaches the star to the branch. When I lower her again, my arm doesn’t leave her waist. Posy giggles.

“It’s beautiful!”

“You did a good job, Posy,” Katniss says, though she shoots me a wink. I grin.

“She did, didn’t she? Rory and I helped.”

“Sorry I wasn’t here to help. I’ve been feeling under the weather lately.” 

“The star is the most important part,” Posy shrugs. “Katniss, are you going to the Jingle Bell Ball?” 

“The what,” we both say in unison. 

“It’s just like the Halloween party in town! Mayor Brent wants to have a big Christmas party in town and is calling it Jingle Bell Ball. Mama says I can have a new dress   
for that night!” 

“Well that’s going to be pretty special indeed,” Katniss says, tugging on Posy’s braids. “When is this ball going to be?”

“Three days before Christmas,” Rory answers. “Like Halloween, other districts are invited.” I notice he doesn’t sound too thrilled by this. 

“Well, I’m sure we’ll go,” I glance at Katniss. “Sounds like fun.” She nods in agreement but she doesn’t look too excited either. I don’t get it. She was positively giddy about Halloween. What’s wrong with Christmas? 

“We had better go. We still need to go to the store,” Rory says, his arm around his sister. Posy hugs Katniss then throws her arms around me.

“Bye Katniss! Bye Peeta!”

“Bye Posy,” Katniss and I wave them off and I shut the door behind them. Katniss is chewing on a cheesebun and staring up at the tree. I slide my arm around her shoulder and watch her eat. 

“It looks great,” she says, gesturing toward the tree.

“Thanks. They did a lot of it though.” 

“The house looks so nice, Peeta.”

“I thought a little Christmas cheer would, you know, help cheer you up.” I shrug apologetically and she turns back to me, her hands resting on my waist. She doesn’t move her fingers underneath my shirt or move them down to gently squeeze my ass, as she usually does. They just sit there over my jeans. I sigh and wrap my arms around her, pressing my forehead to hers. 

“Are we really ok?” 

“Yes,” she says firmly. “We’re fine. I need to go to the store for some things myself.” She breaks away from my embrace and I want to collapse on the table. But then I feel her hand on mine.

“Come with me?” I nod and take her hand and pull our coats off the rack. I bundle her up in a nicer coat of mine and wrap a scarf around her neck. She looks up at me and I have to laugh at the sight of her completely buried in thick material, only her eyes peeking out.

“Don’t laugh at me,” she grumbles but it is muffled by the scarf. I bite my lip.

“Sorry. But I haven’t laughed like that in several days. It feels good.” Her eyes soften and her glove-covered fingers find mine and we head outside. 

It is bitterly cold today and I almost ask her if we can just stay in and have hot chocolate but then I see Thom’s wagon passing by. I wave and see the carriage stop. Delly is sitting beside him and she hops down and runs over to us.

“Darlings, I haven’t seen you two in ages,” she gushes, reminding me very much of Effie. “How have you been?”

“It’s too cold to go out, Del,” I tell her honestly. “We’ve been hiding from the cold mostly.”

“I understand that. Are you heading to town? You can ride with us if you like. Thom is escorting me to Merchant Circle to find a nice gift for Brent.” I notice she blushes when she says this and I smile.

“That would be wonderful. Thank you.” I help Katniss up into the wagon and jump in behind her. She settles against me and I open my coat and pull her against my chest. She sighs at the warmth and I rest my chin on her head. 

“Remind me I want to come back to this later,” she turns her head to whisper in my ear. “With hot chocolate.” 

“Sounds perfect,” I tell her, squeezing her hand.

That night, as we’re lying on the couch with our steaming mugs, the silence is biting instead of comforting. I find myself wishing that Annie and Finn would come early, just so I don’t have to endure this silence anymore.

A married man shouldn’t feel this way. What is wrong with me?!

I sit up and set my mug on the floor. When she doesn’t react, I inch closer to her and start kissing her neck and smile when I hear her moan. My teeth graze her earlobe and she sucks in a breath as my hands start to wander. When I push her legs apart, she sits straight up and her eyes are wide.

“I um…I think I’m going to go to bed. I’m really tired and I’d like to go hunt in the morning.”

“Um…ok…” I watch her, baffled, as she takes her mug to the kitchen and practically runs up the stairs.

She’s running from me. What in the hell is wrong now?   
Did I do something wrong? Did I have a nightmare or a flashback where I hurt her? Did she see that Merchant girl flirting with me at the Bakery last week?   
What is happening to us? 

I blink in confusion and glance down at my tented boxers. Damn it. Gritting my teeth, I reach into my underwear and grasp myself. It seems like it is out of necessity tonight and that does’t make it any easier. But I hold in my gasps and groans as I stroke myself to completion. I sigh when I’m finished, taking my mug into the kitchen and washing my hands in the sink. When I go upstairs, Katniss is already in bed. I know better than to think she’s asleep but I allow her to pretend anyway. I throw my shirt aside and climb in behind her, leaning down to kiss her exposed shoulder. I don’t linger, for the fear of making her uncomfortable. I don’t know why she has suddenly shied away from being intimate but I have a feeling it was her missed pill incident. I don’t know why that should scare her so badly though. We knew right away she couldn’t be pregnant, right? Is there going to be a prolonged period of abstinence? I’d kind of like to know that, if there is. I sigh and settle down behind her and when I hear her breathing grow heavier, I know she is asleep. I inch my arm underneath her and roll her into my chest, burying my face in her hair. She lets out a contented sigh and her fingers entwine with mine. For a moment, things feel normal again. I don’t know what she’ll do when she wakes up but for now, I enjoy the feel of her in my arms again. 

I wake to an empty bed. I sit up and look around and see her father’s hunting jacket is gone. I hate when she goes hunting when it’s this cold out. A number of things could happen in the snow and I’m left at the Bakery going out of my mind with worry.   
Sighing, I throw the covers off and shiver as a cold breeze wraps around me. I pad to the window to slam it shut before I go to the closet to get dressed. I feel a tingling on my lips and wonder if it was just in my dreams or did Katniss really kiss me this morning. I sigh in frustration and hurriedly dress for work. 

Katniss’s game bag is missing as well, so I know she will be in the woods for a few hours. The districts are doing much better with food and I wish she didn’t have to hunt anymore. But I understand why she does. The woods are still her safe haven. A place for her to think and she has said before that she feels useless now, with no one to provide for. I suppose I can understand that, I mean she did keep her family alive for years. Now a days, the districts are well fed and very few go hungry. The orphanage is Katniss’s number one concern and even it is doing better. Panem has grown and flourished and I’m still proud to say I had a hand in that. 

I blink when the door opens and Dane comes in, wearing a goofy grin.

“Dane, I didn’t think you were coming in today.”

“Cora is much better this morning so she told me to come into work. I’m sorry she has been calling in.” I shrug it off.

“She’s pregnant, Dane. Tell her to take all the time she needs. Her job is waiting for her when she wants it again.” I don’t mention that I hired another young lady, a Merchant girl who used to work in her father’s hat shop. She is supposed to start her training tomorrow so I secretly hope Dane stays home. Then again, I need the shifts covered and if Dane and Cora need to stay home, I won’t fault them for it. I want Cora and the baby to be as healthy as possible and I’m a completely understanding boss, I feel. 

“Hey Peeta, that lady is asking for you again. You know, the widow from last week.” I try not to roll my eyes. A Merchant girl by the name of Daniela has been coming in to buy cheesebuns all week and she is a terrible flirt. I remember her from when I was young. She actually went out with Ryean at some point and I’m pretty sure he took her to the slag heap. She married one of the Grigory’s, who were glassblowers. I’d heard they all died in the bombing but she somehow made it to 13. Gale and Thom must have pulled her out. Merchant Circle was the first thing hit, Thom told me later on.   
I blink back tears as I think about the burning bakery with my family inside. I feel someone nudge me and I jerk forward.

“Sorry Peeta,” Rory says, holding his hands in the air. “Do you want me to get rid of her?”

“Thanks Rory but I’ll take care of it.” I straighten my apron and go out to the front. Daniela leans across the counter and her breasts practically spill out of her dress.

“Hi Peeta,” she says with a huge grin.

“Morning Daniela. What can I get for you today?” 

“Oh some more of your delicious buns would be excellent,” she leers at me and I roll my eyes as I turn away. I grab two cheesebuns from the display case and bag them for her. When I hand them to her, her hand grabs mine.

“Peeta, why don’t I ever see you with that lovely wife of yours?” I shake myself from her grasp and clear my throat.

“She stays busy with the Orphanage. She’s petitioning to have foster care brought to District 12. Did you know she is responsible for the rebuilding and expansion of the orphanage and all of the extra commodities they now have?” Her smile hitches a little bit.

“You don’t say.”

“Yeah, I’m really proud of her,” I press on. “And not only that, she set up food banks in four districts and continued to send them food that she hunted.”

“Well. Sounds like your Mockingjay is quite a savior.” 

“She is,” I say honestly and I bite back a smile at her scowl. “She’s my whole world.” 

“Well. Isn’t that something. Thank you for the cheesebuns, Peeta. Keep the change.” She flounces out and I chuckle to myself. I hadn’t noticed a customer sitting at the table until he shot me a thumbs up. I recognize him as a Seam boy who used to work at the mine with Gale. He grins and shakes his head.

“I hope I find a love as strong as that one day. She sounds like one special girl, Mr. Mellark.” 

“She is.” I glance at the clock and bite my lip. If I hurry home, I may be able to surprise her with an early dinner. I imagine she’s gone to the orphanage and will be back later tonight. I run to the kitchen and throw my apron on the rack.

“Rory, you ok with closing by yourself tonight?”

“Yeah of course. Everything ok?” 

“Yeah. I have this amazing woman at home and I’m afraid I haven’t told her how incredible she is in awhile.” I see Rory roll his eyes but Dane and Riley laugh.

“Go home and tell her then,” Dane says, throwing a towel at me. Grinning, I run out into the bitter cold and practically jog back home.

When I get inside and close the door, I stomp the snow off my shoes and hang up my coat. I see the kitchen light is on and Katniss’s game bag is thrown to the side. That’s weird. I wonder if she stopped at home on her way to the orphanage. I head upstairs to change clothes before I start on dinner but I freeze in the hall just outside our room. I hear heavy breathing and small gasps. I’m about to go in and ask what is wrong when I hear a buzzing sound and my eyes widen. I hear Katniss squeal and hear the vibrations increase. 

Holy shit. Holy shit is she doing what I think she’s doing?! 

A part of me tells me to go back downstairs until she is finished. But another part of me wants to watch. And the little sounds that come out of her are making me come alive. My hand drifts down and I start to rub myself through my jeans. I notice and jerk my hand away.  
Ugh you’re an asshole, Mellark. 

I hear her moans get louder and I start to wonder what she is thinking about. She’s told me before that she thinks of me. I hope it’s true. God I just want to see her. I chance a peek around the corner and see her on our bed. Her legs are spread wide open, her head thrown back and her eyes squeezed shut. Her hair is fanned out underneath her and her face is flushed, a gorgeous shade of pink. She’s holding the wand that Johanna gave her between her legs while her other hand pumps in and out of her. I clutch the doorframe and bite my lip to hold back my own moans. My hand goes to my jeans again and it slides past the waistband of my underwear. God this is the hottest thing I have ever seen. Sure I may be a pervert. But she’s my wife, dammit, and I haven’t touched her in weeks. My eyes lock on her writhing form as she moves the wand back and forth over her clit, her hips jerking upwards. 

“Oh god, yes! Yes, Peeta, yes!” I freeze. Holy. Shit! Did she really-?

“Peeta!” I let out a groan and unfortunately, it’s a little too loud. I see her eyes snap open and she sits straight up, staring at me. The wand is still buzzing while she stares at me, her flushed face now pale. I’m frozen in fear, my hand still down my pants, standing in the middle of the hallway. 

Shit. What now?

Neither of us speak. She flicks the wand off and drops it and she closes her legs. She looks nervous but more than that, she looks ashamed. I straighten my jeans and move into the room.

“Please don’t stop.” Her breath hitches and I bite my lip again.

“Please Katniss. Let me watch you.” She looks as if she is going to argue. But I don’t look away from her as I unbutton my jeans and shove them down my hips. I pull my cock out of my underwear and lazily stroke myself. Her teeth clamp down on her lip and she opens her legs again. The sight of her all wet and pink and perfect about makes me come right there. She doesn’t look away as she picks up the wand and flicks it back on. We let out identical moans when she resumes and I can tell she is close. I hold on while she jerks off the bed and comes all over her hand. Damn it I want to be inside her when she comes. She collapses and drops the buzzing wand, her chest heaving as she lays on the bed. I pick up the wand and turn it off, flinging it aside. I move onto the bed in front of her and lean down to kiss her inner thigh. She gasps and jerks and I repeat my actions. I pick up her hand and bring her fingers to my mouth, sucking every inch of her off of them. She chews on her lip and leans up to look at me and I stroke her thighs with my fingertips. Before she can protest, I slide inside her and our eyes remain locked on each other’s. I’m slow at first, keeping our movements gentle and unhurried. But I start to feel my climax approaching and I want to take her with me. I pick up my pace, thrusting my hips against hers. I reach down and stroke her as I plunge in and out of her. She gasps and yanks me down for a kiss. She bites my tongue none too gently and I snap my hips forward. I feel her clench around me and she breaks the kiss to gasp.

“Pull out, Peeta! Finish…finish on me!” I’m too far gone to protest so I pull out of her quickly as I can and release all over her breasts. I stroke myself and let out a deep grunt as I watch the pearly liquid coat her nipples. I collapse forward and rest my hands on either side of her head, giving her gentle kisses. I watch her swipe a finger across her breast, then raise it to her mouth. My jaw drops and she smirks up at me.

“God Katniss, please just kill me now.”

“I don’t think so. You’re stuck with me. That is, if you still want to be stuck with me,” her voice quiets and my brow goes into my hairline, I feel like.

“Did that not just prove that I still want to be with you?” She smiles sadly and leans up to kiss me. But I break away, frowning.

“Katniss. Tell me what is wrong. Please.” I can practically see her inner turmoil. 

“I thought I might be pregnant, Peeta.” My eyes widen and my mouth is hanging open. Nope, did not expect that! 

“Um…so…when did you…um…” why can’t I form a damn sentence?! 

“I was feeling tired and sick. I was terrified that I was so I bought a test. When I saw it said negative, I decided I couldn’t tell you. You would have been so happy and I couldn’t bear to see that smile disappear…you…I didn’t want…” I pull her into my arms and know I’m probably crushing her. But we don’t seem to care. She buries her face in my chest and I hold her close. Her body starts to shake and I feel warm tears on my arm. My arms tighten around her and I stroke her hair.

“Katniss,” I sigh. “You know you can tell me anything. And I would rather you tell me than go through something like that alone. Is that why you haven’t let me touch you all this time?” She gives a little nod against my shoulder. 

“Oh baby. I wish you had told me. We can go back to using condoms if you want. Or we can think of other ways--“

“I’m taking my pills as usual,” she says softly. “And Dr. Mersa said we would talk about more methods at my appointment at the end of the month. I was just so scared and couldn’t let something like that happen again. So I didn’t tell you. And I’m sorry. I should know better than to shut you out.”

Yes. You should. I sigh again and squeeze her shoulders.

“Just talk to me, ok? We’re a team, like always. I can help you but only if you tell me what’s going through your head. I know you pretty well but I’m not a mind reader.” 

“I know. I’m sorry.”   
I pull her in for another kiss and our foreheads rest against each other. I move to get something to clean us up and I stop.

“And that’s what…this is about?” I run my finger between her breasts, my own cum coating my finger. She bites her lip and nods.

“I just want us to be careful…until I’m comfortable again.” I wipe my hands on the sheets--we’ll have to clean them anyway- and stand up beside the bed. She looks up at me and her brow is creased with worry. I hold out my hand and she takes it, breathing a sigh of relief. 

“Come on, let’s take a shower and then start on dinner.” She nods and stands up in front of me. I cup her chin and kiss her, before I sweep her into my arms and carry her into the bathroom.


	63. Chapter 63

Peeta showers quickly and gives me a quick kiss before he grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. He says he wants to go start on dinner and for me to take my time up here. I have to wonder, guiltily, if we will be able to get past this. WHY am I such a terrible wife?!

You never wanted to be a wife, anyway. That nagging voice in my head says. I close my eyes and shake my head. What does a kind wonderful man like Peeta see in a wreck like you?

Ugh. I tear the curtain open and stand in front of the mirror, drying myself off.

When I come downstairs, I hear whimpering and arguing. Frowning, I make my way to the dining room and freeze in my steps.   
Peeta is handcuffed to the chair, his arms pulled at a very awkward angle. His eyes are squeezed shut and he is rocking back and forth, mumbling to himself.

“Peeta?” I cautiously approach him and his eyes snap open.

“Katniss,” he says through gritted teeth. “Stay away! Please!” 

“Peeta, it’s ok. We’re both alright. You’re safe, at home.” His eyes find mine and they look wide and pleading. But I ignore his warning and approach him as I would a wounded animal. I reach out and touch his shoulder and he jerks away. 

“Peeta, I’m your wife. You are my husband, the only man I will ever love.” He shakes his head, and his hands begin to shake. I sense that I am losing him and I fear kissing him will only make things worse.   
So I start to sing softly in his ear. His shoulders relax and his hands stop shaking but he won’t look at me. I lean in and wrap my arms around his shoulders, singing one of my father’s favorites.

You are my flower, that’s blooming in the mountain for me

You are my flower, that’s blooming there for me

The grass is just as green, the sky is just as blue  The day is just as bright, the birds are singing too

The air is just as pure, the sunlight just as free  And nature seems to say, it's all for you and me

When summertime is gone and snow begins to fall  You can sing this song and say to one and all

So wear a happy smile and life will be worthwhile  Forget your tears but don't forget to smile

I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. When I feel his breathing steady, my arms tighten around him. I feel him turn his head, and his cool lips on my cheek. I open my eyes and see his staring back at me. They are blue and crystalline, brilliant as the sky outside. He leans forward and nuzzles my cheek and my hands drift down to his chain wrists.

“Where is the key,” I say softly.

“On top of the refrigerator.” I hurry over and stand on my tiptoes to scramble for the key. When I find it, I drop to my knees beside the chair and quickly unchain him. He rubs at his wrists for a moment and flexes his fingers. He pulls me into his lap and I wrap my arms around his neck.

“You’re keeping these down here now?” He looks ashamed.

“I’ve been having minor flashbacks lately. Before they get too intense, I sometimes chain myself to the table, just as a precaution.”

“How did I not notice this before?”

“You haven’t really left the bedroom and when you do, you haven’t looked at me.” My heart thumps with shame and guilt. I kiss his forehead and wrap my fingers   
around his own.

“I’m so sorry, Peeta,” I whisper as I blink back tears. He brings his hand up and uses his thumb to wipe away the tears.

“I love you, Katniss.” I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his.

“And I love you.”

We stay like that for a long time, just holding each other and lost in each other’s embrace. When my stomach starts growling, Peeta finally releases me and chuckles lightly.

“Sounds like it’s time for dinner. I had wanted to make you something special but I think that will have to wait for another day. How’s spaghetti sound tonight?”

“Sounds wonderful. We still have some deer meat left over from a few days ago.” He nods and I jump out of his lap. We go about making dinner together and I get excited when I see that is making cheesebuns to go with it. I catch his eye across the kitchen and he grins before he pushes them into the oven. He leans against the counter and I put down the bowl I am holding and walk over to him, his arms immediately wrapping around my waist. I find myself glad that he came home and caught me doing…that. I blush at the thought but who knows how long this excruciating silence could have gone on for? I’m too stubborn for my own good, as my husband likes to remind me. It was embarrassing at first, seeing his wide eyes right outside the bedroom but the moment he slid inside me, I forgot about everything.   
Now I hope that somehow, things can go back to normal between us.

My hands rest on his chest and I lean up for a kiss, my hands moving down and around his backside to grip him in my hands. He lets out a little moan and shakes his head.

“Keep that up and we will never get to eat tonight.” I shrug.

“As you’re constantly reminding me, we survived the Hunger Games. I think I can go a night without food.”

“Yeah but I vowed you would never go hungry again,” he says seriously, his finger raking over my lip. “I may have saved your life with bread once, but I never want you to feel that hunger again.”

“I won’t. I have you to take care of me, and I can hunt freely to make sure no one feels that hunger anymore.” He kisses me and places my hands back on his chest.

“Hero. Savior. Miracle. Just a few more words to add to my list of words for you.” I bite my lip, suddenly remembering his words in the Capitol. 

Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Fiancee. Target. Mutt. Neighbor. Hunter. Tribute. Ally. I’ll add it to the list of words I use to try to figure you out.

Peeta knows exactly what I am thinking as he sweeps my hair off my forehead and gives it a gentle kiss.

“No Katniss, no. Don’t think about that time. Stay here, with me. Where our past can’t hurt us anymore.” I glance at his injured wrists and snuggle deeper into his chest. He sighs deeply as he wraps me in his embrace, his cheek resting on my hair.

 

That night, he pulls me into his arms and against his chest. He has left the window cracked and the cold breeze that comes in makes me burrow even further into his chest. His strong arms wrap around me and his chin rests on my head. I hear his soft snoring and it is my lullaby. I close my eyes and for the first time in weeks, I find peaceful dreams. 

Annie and Finn are set to arrive today and Johanna and George are joining us tomorrow. The Jingle Bell Ball is the day after they arrive and we have already decided we will all go. We have invited everyone to stay in my old house so no one will have to pay for a hotel. Johanna giggles and says she and George may get their own room. I have to roll my eyes but I am really happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world. Especially after everything she has been through. 

Peeta helps me clean up my house and I can’t believe how dusty everything has become. I sweep while Peeta replaces the sheets and blankets with fresh ones from the linen closet. I pause and stare at the floor.

“What’s the matter,” comes his voice from across the room.

“I just…hadn’t realized it had been this long since I’d moved out of here. It feels like a strange house now. Like it’s not really mine.” His hands cover mine on the broom and I feel his warm breath on the back of my neck.

“That’s because you have a new home now. We could have moved in here, if you had really wanted to.” But I shake my head.

“Your home felt warmer. Besides, there are too many memories here.” He nods and kisses my cheek.

“I know. That’s why I wanted you over there, with me. So let’s finish cleaning up so we can get back to our home.” He smiles down at me and I return it. Once we have everything looking nice (Peeta even finds a vase and puts some flowers in the middle of the table, though I have no idea how he found them, I mean it’s the middle of winter for crying out loud) we go back to our house to wait for our company to arrive.  
When we hear horses’ hooves, we rush outside to greet them. Thom agreed to pick them up from the station and bring them here so they wouldn’t have to walk. Haymitch sits beside Annie and he jumps down to help her. Finn clings to his mother and she doesn’t set him down. Thom hands Haymitch their bags and Peeta runs forward to help.

“Thank you, Peeta,” Annie says warmly as Peeta kisses her on the cheek. She turns to me and she smiles. I can see she looks tired but her eyes are bright, which is a good sign.

“Katniss! Oh goodness, it’s so good to see you!” 

“And you Annie,” I return her hug and reach up and tousle Finn’s bronze curls. “And how’s my little buddy doing?”

“Auntie Niss!” Finn cries when he sees me, his eyes lighting up. I see Peeta smile broadly at us as he follows us across to my house. 

“We have the house cleaned and looking nice for you two,” I tell her as I hold the door open for her. “You can have my room, Annie, it’s the largest and Finn can sleep with you, or in the guest room down the hall.” 

“Thank you so much for this, Katniss,” Annie says, jostling Finn a bit. “We really appreciate it.”

“Annie, do you want me to take your things to Katniss’s room for you?” She waves her hand.

“Don’t worry about it. I will take everything upstairs later.”

“Let me,” Peeta insists because, well, that’s Peeta. Annie gives him a grateful smile as he carries all of the luggage up the stairs. I sometimes forget how strong my husband is. Finn reaches up toward me and Annie transfers him to my arms. 

“My gosh, Finn, you’re getting so big!” 

“Auntie Niss, look what I got!” He yanks up his pants leg and I stifle a cry. It’s like seeing Peeta’s prosthetic for the first time, all over again. I still remember sitting on   
Caesar’s couch and him casually asking Peeta how it was working out for him. I hadn’t known. I had leaned over and yanked his trousers up and wanted to fall down and cry at the sight of the cruel metal in place of his real leg. Now the little boy in my arms, still a baby really, has an artificial leg, just like that sixteen year old boy I fought alongside in the Games. I hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs and feel him approaching me.

“What’s going on?” Finn excitedly waves his pants leg around, showing us all his metal limb. I can feel Annie’s intense gaze on me.

“Finn was just showing me…um…”

“New leg! Look Uncle Peeta, look!”

“I see buddy. Looks just like mine used to.” He takes Finn from my arms and I quickly wipe away the tears before anyone can notice. Except I know Peeta has already noticed.   
Finn wraps his arms around Peeta’s neck and grins broadly. Peeta winces as Finn kicks and accidentally knocks him in the stomach with his prosthetic. Annie rushes forward to scold him but Peeta shakes his head.

“It’s ok, Annie. Little guy just has to get used to it first. You tried walking around yet, Finn?” 

“He has some trouble,” Annie says in a low voice. “I mean he started walking pretty young but he can’t seem to get a balance on it. He started therapy only a couple of weeks after his surgery but he’s not taking to it as well as the doctors had hoped.” Peeta gives the boy a broad smile.

“You want to take a walk with me?” Finn nods eagerly and Peeta shifts him to his other shoulder.

“We’ll be back soon,” Peeta mutters to Annie and me, before he shuffles out of the house. Annie looks like she is going to collapse so I offer to make us tea. I’m glad I   
left some groceries over here when I moved to Peeta’s. She sits at the table and I set to boiling the water.

“How is it, Annie? Really?” 

“He’s not in so much pain and he thinks he’s really cool, with a metal limb,” she says tiredly, as she rubs her eyes. “But I’m getting worried that he can’t walk without holding onto the wall or the stair railing. I won’t even let him go down the stairs anymore. I’m paranoid, Katniss, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose my baby.” I   
cover her hand and she grips it tightly.

“You won’t, Annie. Finn’s a little fighter. And at least he isn’t in pain. He’ll get used to the leg with time and therapy. Even Peeta had to use a cane on the victory tour. Everything will be just fine.” 

“I’m just so tired,” she practically cries. “I can’t let him out of my sight. I’m so scared something else will happen to him.”  
What can I say to that? Why haven’t I agreed to children? For the same reason. I would be terrified that something would happen. That I wouldn’t be able to protect them. Annie leans forward and rests her head on her arm and closes her eyes. I reach over and stroke her hair and she sighs contentedly.

“Rest awhile, Annie. You look dead on your feet.”

“Maybe for a minute or two,” she whispers though she sounds like she is already far away. I smile and continue to stroke her hair until she is fast asleep.  
I feel myself nodding off as well when I hear the door open. Peeta enters the kitchen with Finn sitting on his shoulders. I put a finger to my lips and his eyes are drawn to our sleeping friend. He reaches up and pulls Finn off his shoulders and sets him in a chair.

“Why don’t we let Mommy sleep a little? You hungry?” Finn nods and Peeta rolls up his sleeves.

“Alright, Katniss, why don’t we make dinner over here?”

“Of course,” I whisper. “I’ll get it started and you can take Finn into the living room for awhile.” He nods and holds out his hand. Finn jumps out the chair and toddles on his little legs, taking Peeta’s outstretched hand. He is clumsy and nearly falls but Peeta steadies him and they slowly walk out of the room. I turn back to the cabinets and think about what I can make quickly. I keep it down as Annie is still sleeping but I can hear Peeta’s and Finn’s voices carry into the kitchen.   
After I have the meat on to cook, I peer into the living room and see Peeta sitting on the couch with Finn curled up on his chest. Peeta is resting his chin on the boy’s head and his eyes flutter sleepily. I lean against the doorframe, my arms crossed over my chest, as I watch, entranced. He looks so perfect like this. With a child in his arms. I feel a familiar tightening in my heart and have to turn away. I clear my throat and return to cooking dinner. 

As I am mixing greens together for a salad (I silently thank Peeta for restocking the pantries this morning) , I feel arms wrap around my waist and a warm cheek pressing against my back. I freeze and my hand covers the larger one that rests on my stomach. 

“Why are we all sleeping when you’re in here slaving over dinner?” I smile.

“I was giving you all a chance to rest. I know you and Annie need about a year to catch up and I was surprised that you managed to get Finn down.”

“He went down all by himself. We were just going to turn on the television to see if anything good was on and he fell asleep on my chest. I didn’t mean to fall asleep too and leave you with all the work.” He kisses my cheek and I raise my shoulders, squirming away from him. I don’t need to be distracted while Annie and Finn are here. Especially since they could wake up at any time. I move to the side, to check on dinner.

“If you want to grab some rolls out of the freezer and pop them into the oven, that would help.” I hear an exasperated sigh. 

“Katniss, I’m a baker. I can’t just…pop frozen rolls into the oven.” He shudders and I roll my eyes.

“Well we don’t have time for you to make a whole new loaf of bread, baker boy,” I recall Johanna’s nickname for him and he wrinkles his nose. “Well dinner will be ready in ten minutes. If you can make something in that time, be my guest.”

“Stand aside,” he says as he rolls up his sleeves. “One batch of Mellark Cheesebuns coming up.” He moves me to the side so he can pull out the dishes he needs and I watch him with my brow raised.

True to his word, my baker produces a mouth-watering batch of my favorite treat and I still have a minute on the meat. I shake my head as I lean in to kiss him.

“I’m impressed.” His hands rest on my waist and he smirks.

“You doubted me?”

“I didn’t grow up in the bakery,” I remind him. “I don’t know how long all of this can take.”

“And all the times I have made cheesebuns for you, though,” he chuckles. “Katniss, I’m wounded. Truly. You doubted me.” I laugh and shove him away.

“Go wake up Finn. I’ll let Annie know dinner is ready.” He nods and kisses my forehead before he shuffles off into the living room. I gently shake Annie’s shoulder and she moans.

“Annie,” I whisper. “Dinner’s ready.”

“Finnick?” She sits up and her eyes are wide. She takes moment as she focuses them on me and then she blinks. “Oh. Katniss, I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be. Um…I’m sorry to wake you but I thought you may be hungry.”

“Yes, it smells delicious. Let me just freshen up. Your bathroom is-?”

“Down the hall, on the right.” She nods and lowers her head as she quickly moves toward the bathroom. I fix four plates and set the bowls of salad down beside the plates. I feel a pang in my heart as I think about Finnick. I imagine Annie sees him everywhere. And Finn is looking more and more like him everyday. I would be destroyed if I had a son who looked like Peeta, and then I lost Peeta somehow. I would be devastated and I’m not sure how I would go on.  
Annie’s a survivor, like we all are. A Victor and our family. When she comes back into the room, her eyes are red but she smiles a wide smile and sits down at the table. Peeta and Finn enter the room and Finn is walking again. Peeta clutches his hand and walks slowly but he smiles at us when they approach the table. Annie gasps and scoots the chair over so Finn can walk straight to her.

“Oh baby, you’re doing so great! Look at you!” Finn grins as he walks straight into his mother’s arms and Annie swoops him up and holds him tightly to her chest. Peeta’s hand rests on my shoulder and I squeeze it, as we watch our friend with her son. 

After dinner, Peeta cleans the dishes while Annie and I put Finn down for bed. He fights it and screams no a lot but Annie strokes his curls and leans over the bed. She hums softly but Finn continues to toss and turn. She sighs and rests her forehead on the back of her hand, letting out a little moan. I bite my lip but open my mouth to sing. 

Deep in the meadow, hidden far away  
A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray  
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay  
And when again it's morning, they'll wash away.

Here it's safe, here it's warm  
Here the daisies guard you from every harm  
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true  
Here is the place where I love you.

 

I notice Annie watching me and I also notice that Finn has fallen fast asleep. I let out a sigh and feel her squeeze my hand.

“I love when you sing that song,” she whispers. I must look puzzled because she shrugs apologetically.

“I mean, I watched you when you sang to that little girl from 11,” of course she did. She was a Mentor during my Games, after all, “And I know you sang it in 13…to…well…” she trails off and swallows. I fight to keep the tears out of my eyes. She heard me sing to Prim. I look down at the sleeping baby and I smile.

“I better get going. I’ll see you tomorrow, Annie.” She nods and squeezes my hand again, giving me a shy smile.  
I exit the guest bedroom and find Peeta leaning against the wall, on the stairs. 

“Hey,” I say softly. “What are you doing?”

“I couldn’t help it,” he says and he looks rueful. “I just love hearing you sing.”

“I don’t sing enough for you?” 

“You do. But I sort of came in and watched you sing to Finn.” He hunches his shoulders and I reach for his hand. 

“Let’s go home. I think they’ll be ok tonight.” He nods and leads me back across the lawn toward our house. As we are getting ready for bed, I hum softly and he pokes his head out of the bathroom to ask me to sing. So I do. My father’s old lullabies flow from my lips as I change for bed and I feel his hands in my hair, unbraiding it and running his fingers through the strands. I’m still singing when we lie down and he pulls me into his arms, trapping me in his embrace. My eyes close and my voice trails off as I find my dreams. 

Peeta has to go into the bakery and since Annie has not yet seen it, we decide to all have lunch together. It’s freezing cold when Peeta leaves for work and I make my way over to my house to see if Annie and Finn are up yet. 

I’m a little surprised to see them both lying on the carpet playing with one of Finn’s toy trains. Annie jumps up when she sees me.

“I didn’t know you guys were early risers too!”

“I married a baker. And I always hunted before sunrise. It’s just ingrained in us. I wanted to come over and see how you slept.

“We slept great,” she says with a smile. “I’ve already talked to Johanna and she said she and George will be here around lunchtime.”

“Perfect. I thought we could all go have lunch at the bakery.”

“Oooh, yes! I still haven’t seen it. I would love that.” I smile as Finn climbs into my lap and wraps his chubby arms around my neck.

“Good. I need to stop by the orphanage real quick and then I will be back home. I’m going to borrow Thom’s carriage so you don’t have to walk everywhere.”

“Oh I’m ok with walking,” she says dismissively but I know it’s colder than it is in 4, and she and Finn aren’t used to it. 

“Peeta has been talking about buying a car.”

“Oh they’re great, Katniss, they really are. It will make things easier on both of you.” I shrug. What use do I have for it? I don’t ever leave District 12 and when I do go places, the bakery, Merchant Circle, the Seam, and the orphanage aren’t too far to walk. The woods is the furthest but I’m used to making that trek. I don’t mention that I’m frightened if Peeta has a car, he will leave the district more often. Annie senses my tension and rubs my shoulders.

“Anyway, that will be really nice. Finn would love to see where Uncle Peeta works.” 

“Uncle Peeta,” Finn exclaims excitedly and I have to laugh at his toothy grin. 

“I’ll just run to the orphanage before lunch then.”

“Wait Katniss. Is it alright if we join you?” I cock my head and see that Annie’s smile has turned somewhat shy. 

“I mean,” she continues. “I have heard so much about it and am dying to meet Lara and the other children. Finn doesn’t really meet too many kids. People treat us…well, differently.” I see her face fall and I bite my lip. I can imagine being the child of victors is somewhat like royalty. Add a fallen victor and I can imagine how people would give them distance. I suppose it is more out of respect than anything else but I feel for my dear friends. I don’t imagine Victor’s Village is the most bustling of places and from what we saw, there are hotels and I don’t imagine people from other districts would be able to keep their reverence to a minimum. I understand why Annie was excited to bring Finn here. Peeta said her entire face lit up when he had suggested it. It’s giving her a chance to be with her friends and giving Finn a chance to see the people who love him, who don’t see him often.

I squeeze Annie’s hand.

“I would love it if you joined me.” 

I leave to let Annie get Finn ready and I make the trek to the Seam to see Thom. Luckily, I meet him on the road and he jumps down from the wagon.

“Katniss, you are chilled to the bone! What are you doing?”

“I was on my way to see you,” I say, trying to keep my teeth from chattering. “I was hoping I could borrow one of your wagons while Annie is in town.”

“Of course, I already told you that would be fine. But I can bring it to you, you don’t need to come all the way out here.” I frown. 

“I grew up in the Seam, remember? It’s not all the way out anywhere. It was my home.” He bites his lip and I mentally kick myself for getting so grumpy on him. 

“Begging your pardon, Ms Katniss. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“You didn’t Thom,” I assure him. “I’m ok with the walk. But I don’t want Annie and Finn to have to do it. How about I ride home with you so I can take one of the wagons and you don’t have to walk back?” He jumps back up and pats the bench next to him. He hands me the reigns and nods.

“You best learn to drive then. Click the reigns when you want him to go. Pull gently when you want him to stop. You lean the reigns in whatever direction you want to go.” I click the reigns and we lurch forward. Thom smiles.

“He can tell you’re nervous.”

“Who, the horse?” He nods.

“Just be gentle. Be horse and rider. Never mind that you have a wagon attached, just pretend it’s you and him.” I relax and my grip relaxes too. The horse picks up a faster pace and we are at the Seam in no time.

Thom helps me down and he leads his horse back to the barn. I’m surprised that he owns more than one horse. I can’t believe that just a few years ago, we could barely keep ourselves alive, much less animals. But Thom pats each horse lovingly and whispers in their ears. I can tell he is very good with them. He seems gentle and kind. 

“Peeta wants to buy an automobile after Christmas,” I remark and Thom turns to me with a quirked brow.

“Well, that’s a fine idea, I suppose. I’d never give up my animals but they’re a lot to handle. An automobile is a lot less maintenance.” I smile as he opens one of the doors and leads out a magnificent black horse. He looks like he has been covered in coal dust but his coat is shining and sleek. He sort of reminds me of the horses at the tribute parade in the Capitol and I take a step back. But he whinnies and tosses his head and I see his dark eyes. He’s not Capitol. And if he is, it’s not his fault. It’s a gentle creature, that could have been forced into a questionable lifestyle.

Like the Victors I know.

“This here is Midnight. He’s my newest one and he is very gentle. I think you’ll get along with him just fine.”

“Where should I keep him when he’s not attached to the wagon?”

“Haymitch has a barn behind his house. Didn’t you know that?” I frown. How could I not have noticed that? He nods as he pats Midnight’s flank.

“A long time ago, he bought a horse for his girl. Everyone said it was a sight, to see a Seam girl riding a beautiful horse like that. But Haymitch would do anything for her. When she died, he sold the horse and I guess the barn just fell into ruin. I don’t have to work today so I’ll come over and fix it up for you.

“Oh Thom you don’t have to do that,” I say quickly. Haymitch has never told us a lot about his family or what happened after he won the Games. I do know his family and his girl were killed by the Capitol but I haven’t asked much beyond that. I don’t know how he will feel about me using his barn. I can’t imagine he would be too happy about it.  
Thom, however, shakes his head.

“If you’re worried about Haymitch, don’t be. The barn is closer to the other houses than his. And I’m confident you’ll care for Midnight. I’ll come by to check on him and make sure everything is alright.” I nod and stroke Midnight’s nose. He whinnies and nuzzles my hand. 

“You are a real beauty,” I tell him and he whinnies again. Thom smiles.

“He likes you. Let me get the wagon ready and you can be on your way.” 

After I have thanked Thom over and over, I ride back to Victor’s Village and am surprised at the amount of time it takes. Peeta is right, this would be really nice when we are going into town. Which he does, every day. 

I pull up in front of Victor’s Village and tie Midnight to the fence. Thom gave me a bag of sugar cubes and I take one out for him. Holding it in my palm, my face falls and I stare at the treat. 

“Hello Katniss.” I whirl around at the voice, my heart racing and nearly thundering out of my chest.

“Finnick?”

“Want a sugar cube? They’re supposed to be for the horses but who cares? They’ve got years to eat sugar, whereas you and I…well, if we see something sweet, we better grab it quick.” 

I gasp and clutch my chest. Oh Finnick. 

He knew. He knew that I was in love with Peeta. Not only that, he knew that my entire life was about saving the people I loved. I never really took time for me. How could I? I had spent my life raising my sister, keeping my family alive, keeping myself alive. When I went into the Quarter Quell, it was with the intention to put Peeta’s life before my own. 

Finnick and his sugar cubes. He was telling me once I found something good, I had better grab it and not let go.   
I fight to keep the tears out of my eyes as I feed Midnight two cubes and pat his nose. I make sure I am presentable before I go back to my house and find Annie and Finn waiting for me.


	64. Chapter 64

Finn squeals excitedly when he sees Midnight. He keeps yelling ‘horsey’ and tries to pat his nose but Midnight just snorts and moves his head away. Annie and I grin at the boy’s attempts. 

“Sit on Mommy’s lap while Aunt Niss drives us,” Annie tells him firmly, situating herself next to me. I click the reigns and Midnight lurches forward. It’s a steady pace and Finn excitedly points everything out as we pass. I suppose he is at the age where everything is fascinating and new. It’s so interesting, seeing things through a child’s eyes. I realize it is later than I had thought and that Peeta is expecting us soon. I glance at Annie and ask her if we can do lunch first and she assures me that is fine. I can practically hear Finn’s stomach growling anyway.

When we reach the Bakery, I briefly wonder where on earth I will keep Midnight and the wagon. But I see a stable not far off and I wonder how many Merchants owned horses. I tell Annie to go in without me and I pull Midnight down the road. A Merchant boy comes out and gasps when he realizes who I am.

“K-Katniss Everdeen! What an honor, ma’am.” I sigh. It was bad enough in the Capitol, getting that sort of attention but it usually dwindled when I returned to 12. Now that the War is over, I had hoped we could go back to normal.  
No such luck.

“I’d like to see about keeping my horse and wagon in your stable,” I say in a firm voice. “How much for an hour of care?”

“Oh Miss Everdeen…no charge at all! I’d be happy to care for your horse. Rest assured, he’s in good hands.”

“I’m sure he is and I won’t let a debt go unpaid. I’ll pick him up in an hour.” He nods and with trembling hands, takes the reigns from me. He leans forward and starts whispering to Midnight and the horse whinnies in reply. I walk away, shooting the boy curious looks over my shoulder. His attention is now solely on the horse and he seems to be in a deep conversation. I don’t recognize the boy. He looks only a little younger than Peeta, with the same blonde hair and blue eyes. His hair is much longer, though, tied in a ponytail at the back and he has scars on his face, though different from mine. I’ll have to ask Peeta if he knows him. 

I jog back to the bakery and see Peeta waiting for me out front.

“Hey,” he says softly. “I was wondering where you had gone. Didn’t think you would just skip out on the cheesebuns and me.” I smile as I accept his gentle kiss.

“I borrowed a horse and wagon from Thom while Annie is here,” I explain. “I saw a stable a little ways down the hill and asked the boy to watch them for me. Do you know who I’m talking about?”

“Has to be Colton. His mother, Rhiannon, was like a horse whisperer when she was alive. Ran a high-end stable, for when important people came to town and needed somewhere to board their horses. She died when Colton was thirteen and he was left with his father, who beat him and the horses. I don’t know the details because my mother never told me the full story but somehow, Colton’s father wound up dead in their barn and Colton apparently didn’t report it. My dad would try to invite him over for dinner some nights but he always stayed with his horses. I’d heard he built a stable, when we all returned, not far from Merchant Circle and wants to continue what his mother did. I haven’t seen or spoken to him though. He was always a little…off.”

“He seems nice,” I say with a shrug, not letting on how this story gets to me. I lost my dad when I was 11. I somewhat lost my mother then too, though she found her way back to us in the end. But I was never alone. I had Prim.   
My heart goes out to the boy and I weigh my money purse. I will definitely pay him well and hopefully he can put it toward his dream stable. Or whatever else he dreams of. Peeta’s arm wraps around my waist and he leads me inside. I wash up in the kitchen, say hi to everyone, and go back to the patio with Annie and Finn. Peeta brings us a tray of sandwiches and a pitcher of lemonade before he disappears again.

“This place is so wonderful,” Annie gushes. “You must be so proud of him!”

“I am,” I tell her honestly. I feel a kiss on my head and Peeta sits next to me.

“I couldn’t have done it without her,” he says, his hand finding mine and resting it on his knee. “She was even here helping out on opening day. She ran it for me while I was in the Capitol for my leg too. Little lady can do some good business.” 

“Don’t know why that surprises you, with all the hunting and bartering she’s done,” says a voice from behind us. Peeta rises to hug Johanna and shake George’s hand, before he hurries off to get more chairs and food. 

“How ya doing, Brainless?”

“Life’s pretty great, actually,” I say with a nod. She looks only somewhat surprised, though a knowing smirk hangs around her mouth. “How are you two?”

“Jo has become my assistant,” George says proudly, draping his arm around her. I actually see Johanna blush! My jaw drops and she shrugs. 

“I was getting tired of him leaving me at home all the time. When I went on trips with him, I felt useless. So I told him I wanted to train to become his assistant. He’s been promoted to Junior Fashion Editor for Capitol Fashion. And I’m his model and his secretary. No more trees for me!” I laugh, remembering the first time I met Johanna and how she had talked about what an idiot her stylist was as she stripped naked in front of us. Johanna picks up Finn and blows raspberries against his cheek. He shrieks and swats at her with a broad grin.

“Stooooop it Aunt JoJo.”

“Auntie Jojo hasn’t been able to love on her little muffin in so long,” Johanna says, kissing his pudgy cheek. He laughs and she sets him back down next to Annie. I start thinking Johanna would make a great mother too. But if someone as tough and unyielding as her can do it, why couldn’t I?  
I’m lost in my thoughts when I feel a strand of hair being pushed behind my ear and soft breath against my neck.

“Where are you right now,” he breathes in my ear before he kisses my cheek.

“Right where I want to be,” I tell him as I squeeze his hand under the table. 

“Hello! Earth to Brainless!” I snap up and Johanna and Annie are smirking at me.

“What?”

“I said, I want to give you your Christmas present early. George and I got you something to wear to the Jingle Bell Ball.”

“Oh. Thank you so much Johanna, you didn’t have to do that,” I stammer and she waves her hand aside.

“Money means nothing to me, dahling,” she says in a stuffy accent that makes us all smile. 

“Ooh, speaking of Capitol and money, have you seen Effie lately?” 

“Not since Halloween,” Peeta says as he lifts his glass. “Why, has something happened?”

“She left Plutarch’s office!” 

“What?” Peeta and I both exclaim. Johanna nods.

“I don’t know all the details but Plutarch was getting ready to develop a TV show about the Victors. Mainly about you two,” I feel a clenching in my heart. “And Effie refused to be a part of it. Said all the Victors deserved peace and a quiet life, and from what I hear, she defended you two pretty strongly. When Plutarch tried to calm her down, she told him she was quitting and flounced out the door. She’s now starting up an Academy for stylists and prep teams!” 

“Wow,” Peeta whistles. “Good for Effie. I mean, I knew she was always a softie. I guess Haymitch is rubbing off on her.”

“Oh from what I can tell, they are taking their relationship public too,” Johanna continues to gossip. This surprises me.

“Haymitch hasn’t said anything to me about it.”

“Well, you two are closest thing he has to family. It’s probably the one place he doesn’t want to talk about his personal life. He figures things can stay the way they are, in 12.” 

“If Haymitch and Effie are together for real, that’s wonderful,” Peeta says softly. “They both deserve to find happiness as much as we do. Maybe more so.”

“Why more so,” Johanna asks with a scowl. Peeta shrugs, not looking up from his sandwich.

“He’s been doing this a lot longer than we have. He lost all his loved ones when he was young, and then watched district kids die for years after. When I first met him I wondered how this legend could have let himself go so badly but once I learned his story, I understood. He’s broken, like the rest of us. But if you find something that makes you want to start living again, makes you actually want to get up in the morning, then I’d say you’re on your way to recovery.” I glance up at my friends and see them all look considering. Finn cuddles up to Annie and she squeezes him to her side. George wraps his arms around Johanna and she holds his hands. I bring Peeta’s hand to my mouth and my lips rake across his palm. 

“I’m glad we have all found that something to keep us going,” Annie says in a soft voice. I look up and she has tears in her eyes. Peeta reaches over and squeezes her hand. Johanna rests her head on Annie’s shoulder. I smile at my friends. My family. The peace is shattered by Finn jumping on his seat and calling for sweets. Peeta laughs and tousles his curls.

“Only if you finish your sandwich,” Annie tells him softly, blinking back tears.

“And I made some really delicious cookies, so you’d better listen to your mama,” Peeta tells him with a grin. It’s comical how fast Finn shoves the sandwich into his mouth. 

After we have finished with lunch, Peeta apologizes and says he needs to get back to work. He kisses me quickly and tells me he will see me at home. I help him bring the dishes into the kitchen and go back to the patio.

“Katniss, Johanna and George were just talking about walking through the district and seeing everything. I know I’ve never really seen 12, except on the victory tour and even then we only saw the Justice Building. Do you want to join us? We can visit the orphanage afterwards if you like?”

“I think I’m going to head home actually. I’m a little tired. I can take you to the orphanage in the morning though, if you want?” Annie nods and squeezes my hand, and I hug Johanna and George goodbye. 

“Auntie Niss, come with us!”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, little guy,” I say as I kiss his head. I wave goodbye and start back down the hill, toward the stable.   
I see the boy mucking out the stalls and he nearly drops his pitchfork.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you,” I say as I hold up my hands. He shakes his head and gives me a weak smile.

“No, it’s ok. Let me get your horse for you.” He hurries inside and leads out Midnight and attaches him to the wagon. He strokes his nose and whispers in his ear. When he turns back to me, his face is flushed.

“He’s a wonderful horse.”

“He is,” I take the reigns from him and pat Midnight’s neck. “Thank you for taking care of him, Colton.” The boy freezes and his head shoots up. 

“Peeta told you about me.” It isn’t a question and his voice sound accusatory and sad.

“Just your name,” I reassure him. “And he wasn’t even sure if it’s you. I just mentioned that I met a boy who seemed great with horses and he said it had to be you.” Colton sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

“I haven’t seen Peeta Mellark since the Reaping. How is he?”

“He’s good. He rebuilt his family’s bakery, right up the hill. It’s a wonderful success.”

“So that’s where that delicious smell is coming from,” he says with a smile. “I figured someone had rebuilt it but didn’t know he had returned. Are you two…um…”

“We’re married,” I say gently. “We just celebrated our year anniversary.” His wide blue eyes blink rapidly.

“That’s wonderful. Really, I’m happy to hear that. I didn’t watch the Games much but I kept up with you two. And your story. Like every Merchant around here, I knew how he cared for you while growing up but I didn’t pay much attention to what was said in the Capitol. Sorry,” he adds quickly and I shake my head.

“Thank you for that. It’s a lot of lies and though I’d like for people to know the truth, I don’t think its anyone else’s business. But thank you for not believing everything you see. We got married last November and are very happy. Like Panem, we’ll always be rebuilding and healing.” He nods and strokes Midnight.

“It’s wonderful to finally meet you, Katniss.”

“Thank you, Colton. Here. I want you to have this.” I pull out four coins from the bag and he gasps and backs away.

“I can’t take that.”

“Yes you can,” I say gently but firmly. “This horse deserves the best and you have given him such. Plus, you have been very real and kind to me. Take it.”

“Miss Katniss, I appreciate it. But I can’t. That is too much money. I’ll take one coin from you.”

“Colton, I’m from the Seam. I know how it is, accepting money and such from others. But if you have earned it, and you have, then you don’t need to be afraid to take it.” I hold out the coins and finally, he holds out his hand. I drop the coins into his palm and close his fingers around them.

“I’d like to ask you a favor.” 

“Anything, to earn these coins.”

“You’ve already earned them,” I say sternly. “But I could give you a chance to earn more, should you like.”

“How?”

“You have several beautiful horses. What if I paid you to come give riding lessons at the orphanage?” He gapes at me and even I have to wonder if I have lost my mind. This idea just came to me about two seconds ago and I haven’t even discussed it with Helga or anyone at the orphanage. But my last visit with Lara and some of the other kids, they expressed interest in some sort of physical activity and I think this would be perfect. Most of them have never even seen a horse. 

“I have to clear it with the ladies who run the orphanage,” I say, keeping the uncertainty out of my voice. “But I think it would be a great idea and the kids could have a lot of fun. I think you might enjoy it too.”

“Give lessons to orphans?”

“Children who have lost their families. Who don’t have a home and don’t have a lot of things to do. And who are looking for friends,” I add hopefully and see his eyes widen. 

“I’ll…I’ll think about it.” I nod and hold out my hand for him to shake. He does so, a little hesitantly.

“Thank you Colton. I’ll see you soon. You’ll have to come by the bakery sometime.” He nods again.

“Thank you, Katniss.” I climb up in the wagon and take the reigns from him. Giving him one last smile, I click the reigns and Midnight trots away from his new friend.


	65. Chapter 65

I’m making my way back to Victor’s Village when I hear a shrill whinny behind me. I whirl around and nearly stumble, determined to get out of the animal’s way.

“Peeta, are you alright?” I gasp and look up and see my wife, looking like a goddess on her mount. Katniss sits up proudly, her dark hair flowing behind her, the horse underneath her black as coal. They move closer and I make to stand up. She jumps down and offers me her hand.

“I’m sorry if we startled you.”

“It’s ok, it’s just not a sound I’m used to hearing in the Victor’s Village. Where did you get him?”

“I told you, Thom is letting me borrow the wagon while Annie and Finn are visiting.” I look pointedly behind the horse, to see no wagon.

“Well, I put the wagon in the back and wanted to go riding around the Village.”

“I didn’t know you knew how to ride.”

“I don’t.” I gape at her, this incredible woman who can do anything she wants to. I turn to the horse and stroke his nose.

“He’s beautiful.”

“He’s a sweetheart,” she says, patting his neck. “Want a sugar cube, Midnight?” I freeze. She pulls out a bag of sugar cubes and gives me a shy smile as she feeds him one. I can feel my hands start to shake.

 

“I want to go with them as a guard,” I tell the group solemnly. I see Johanna and Finnick exchange looks and I am kicking myself for not running off with Katniss when she suggested it. Now they are trying to separate us for who knows what reason and I’ll be damned if I let Katniss out of my sight.

“You’re too slow. Besides, I’ll need you on this end. Katniss will guard,” Beetee says. “There’s no time to debate this. I’m sorry. If the girls are to get out of there alive, they need to move now.” I watch him hand the coil to Johanna and she scowls. Katniss moves closer to me and I want to reach out and grab her and never let her go.

“It’s ok,” she whispers to me. “We’ll just drop it the coil and come straight back.” I drown out Beetee’s words as I am fixated on Katniss. She nods to show her understanding but her eyes are on mine. I can’t let her out of my sight. I can’t let her go. If I do, I know I’ll lose her.   
I feel her hands on my face and she presses her forehead to mine. “Don’t worry. I’ll see you at midnight.” And then she is kissing me before I can protest. My arms come up and wind around her neck and I hear an impatient sigh from Johanna from our left. Katniss breaks the kiss and turns to Johanna. “Ready?”   
I watch the girls climb down the slope and Katniss looks back at me. I swallow, hating this feeling like I’m losing her. Like something terrible is about to happen. I watch her until she disappears from my sight. 

 

My breathing is heavy and I have fallen to my knees. I register Katniss’s hands on my face, her lips pressed to my forehead.

“You’re ok,” she is saying. “Peeta, wake up, I’m right here. We’re ok, I promise.” My trembling hands come up and cover hers and I squeeze my eyes shut. Her lips are cool against my warm skin and her arms wrap around me. She’s rocking us back and forth, cradling me against her chest. Her hair tickles my cheek as I nuzzle up to her, trying to keep my tears at bay. When I feel steady, I try to stand and feel her hands on my arms.

“Here, let’s sit for a minute.” She leads me to our porch and we sit on the steps. She makes to get up, presumably to go back for the horse, but I grab her hands and hold on. She understands and cuddles into my side. Finally, I turn and kiss her hair.

“You’re late,” I say in a shaky voice. She looks up at me, baffled.

“You said you’d see me at midnight,” I whisper. “You’re late.” Her face softens and she bites her lip.

“Better late than never, right?” I hide my face in her shoulder and sigh.

“I should have run off with you earlier that day. Maybe things would be different. Maybe we would have--“

“We would have been killed by Brutus and Enobaria,” she says softly. “That or the group wouldn’t have let us leave. Remember they were all in on the plan.”

“Why,” I moan, shaking my head. “Why did they have to split us up? Their whole plan was to keep me alive for you, so why did they have to send you off with Johanna?”

“I asked Haymitch that,” she says, her chin resting on my head. “I told him I couldn’t believe he had left you in the arena and he said he couldn’t believe I had let you out of my sight. I felt so guilty, knowing I should have fought back. I asked Finnick, I asked Haymitch, I begged to know why they wanted to split us up. But they all said they thought we would find each other before the hovercraft got us out.” That doesn’t help at all. We didn’t find each other and yes, I was lost to her. A part of me was destroyed in the Capitol and will never recover. Though I have said time and time again I am healing, I will never be who I once was. I’m not sure if the boy I used to be could have protected Katniss during the rebellion but I also know he would have never tried to kill her either.  
I blink back tears as I lean up to kiss her. Her hands come up to my face again and she holds me tightly while she kisses me. 

“We found each other in the end,” she says simply and then she is kissing me again. I moan into the kiss and our fingers entwine over my cheeks. 

“Why don’t you go inside and relax while I put the horse away?” She avoids using his name and I nod as we stand up. She kisses me again before she goes back toward the horse, which I’m surprised to say, hasn’t moved. I move into the house and kick off my shoes as I collapse on the couch. 

“What in blazes is that,” I hear Haymitch yell out.

“It’s called a horse, Haymitch, and he’s not hurting you! So don’t throw things at him!”

“He’s not staying here!”

“I’m caring for him and he is all the way over here. You don’t have to see him!”

“I see him now and I say, he’s not staying here!” 

“Damn it Haymitch!”

“I’m fucking serious, Katniss, take that animal somewhere else!” I hear Katniss’s angry retort, which includes some very colorful language, and I jump to my feet. If I can hear them so clearly, I’m sure Annie and Finn can hear it as well. I stuff my feet into my shoes and run back outside, where Haymitch and Katniss are standing in the middle of the street. Both of them are glowing red.

“What’s going on?”

“Tell her to take that thing away from here,” he rounds on me. 

“He’s a horse, not a thing, and he’s staying here!” I reach out to grip Katniss’s shoulders before she leaps on top of Haymitch but she yanks on the horse’s reigns and backs away from Haymitch.

“I said no, damn it! I’ve lived here longer and you can find somewhere else to keep the damn animal!” 

“It’s not your girlfriend’s horse and it never did a thing to you so stop being an asshole!” I suck in a breath as everyone falls silent. Katniss bites her lip and I know she is regretting her words. Haymitch looks between punching a hole in the fence and crying. Without a word, he turns on his heel and marches back into his house, slamming his door so hard that glass panes fall out onto the porch. I turn to Katniss, who is staring at the ground.

“I...I didn’t mean--“

“I know. But you really hurt him.” She nods and I see she is fighting tears. 

“Why don’t you go and apologize while I put the horse away for you?” She shakes her head and wipes her face.

“I’ll take him back to Thom. Check on him and tell him I’m sorry, ok?” She jumps onto Midnight’s back and her heel nudges him in the side. They take off out of the Village and I watch her hair fly behind her as she rides. 

I don’t even knock before I enter Haymitch’s house. I haven’t been here in awhile but I notice a dramatic difference. Being with Effie is definitely doing wonders for him. His house doesn’t smell like a slaughter house anymore and I can actually walk through a room. I wind the corner and see him slumped over the table, a bottle in his hand and a photo album underneath his arm. His eyes are red and I freeze, afraid what he will do when he discovers I am here.  
But he looks up and sucks in a breath.

“Should have known it would be you and not her.”

“She wanted to give you some space. She feels terrible, Haymitch.”

“As well she should,” he spats. I sit across from him and glance at the album. There is a picture of a pretty girl sitting on top of a huge horse. I can’t make out her features but it looks like a younger Haymitch standing beside the horse. They are both smiling.   
Haymitch looks up at me through his hands.

“I bought my girl a horse from the Capitol and she was so excited. Since she lived in the Seam, I kept him here behind my house. She named him Fortune. I walked her through District 12, while she sat on Fortune’s back and everyone stared. A Seam girl on horseback. But she was my girl, and I was a Victor, so they kept quiet and curious and disapproving looks followed us everywhere. We’d only had Fortune for a week before I was summoned back to the Capitol. Snow told me as a Victor, I was expected to follow certain obligations. He said the prep teams would fix me right up to make me more desirable,” he spits out the last word and I feel sick. A picture of Finnick swims in my mind.

“I basically told him to go fuck himself and left the Capitol. When I returned home, I was told my mother and little brother had died in a house fire. Conveniently, Althea was at my mother’s house at the time of the fire.” He takes a swig from his drink and blinks. 

“I sold Fortune and locked myself in my house. I became a bitter old man at 16 years old. I hated everyone and refused to talk to people. When I started Mentoring, I was cold and cruel. My first two tributes died in the cornucopia and I pretended not to care. Everyone viewed me as heartless and a worthless drunk.” He takes another swig and I resist from grabbing the bottle from him. I lean over to see the picture more clearly and he winds up pushing it over toward me. My heart catches in my throat. The girl looks so much like Katniss. She sits straight-backed and proud, her long dark hair flowing over her shoulders. She has the same olive skin and her eyes look more blue than grey. I glance at my mentor but he is hiding his face in his hands.

“Haymitch--“ I start but hear the door open and am sure it’s Katniss. But I see that she’s not alone.  
She stands in the doorway, her hands folded and her eyes downcast.

“Haymitch, I wanted to say… I am so sorry. And…well, I found something that might cheer you up.”

“Unless you’re served in a frosted glass, I don’t want to see you,” he spats. Effie moves out from behind Katniss and approaches him slowly. Haymitch glances up and groans.

“No offense Princess but I want to be alone right now.”

“You’ve been alone for far too long, Haymitch,” Effie says softly. “You don’t need to be anymore.” I go to Katniss and grasp her hand. She pulls me from the room, feeling we need to give them some privacy. The last thing I see is Effie wrapping her arms around Haymitch and resting her cheek against his shoulder.   
Katniss doesn’t mention Midnight or what happened with Haymitch as we head back inside. Johanna and George are sitting on the couch while Annie paces with a sleeping Finn in her arms. Katniss immediately offers them tea and I jump up to help her but she gently scolds me to sit back down. Johanna holds a large box over her lap and she fingers it impatiently.

“Ok, put down the tea so you can both open your gifts!” I stare at the box, shocked.

“Johanna, you didn’t--“

“Shut it, Mellark. I know gifts aren’t required but George and I were excited to make these. Merry Christmas, little Mellarks!” I’m a little taken aback by her term “little   
Mellarks” but if Katniss has noticed anything, she doesn’t say anything. We sit side by side on the couch and open the box together. I hear her gasp and I stare at the precious gifts.

“Johanna,” Katniss says weakly. 

“George found these designs in vintage archives and I thought you two would look great in these styles! Less modern-Capitol, and much more old-fashioned. What do you think?”

“Johanna, they’re beautiful,” I say quietly. I can’t wait to see my wife in this dress. It is rich green velvet, with red bows along the neckline. Katniss takes it from the box and stands up, measuring it against her frame. It’s huge and elaborate, as her Halloween costume was. I see red ruffles and bows in layers of the material, sort of like a Christmas tree. I pull mine out and stand as well. I’m pleased to see that I’m matching Katniss. New black pants with a green undershirt and a black jacket to wear over it. A gold ascot completes the ensemble and George smiles as he hands me a top hat.

“We found you one of these too, should you want to wear it. The archives showed men wearing them with this style of clothing.” I nod and take the hat from him, tipping it over my curls and giving Katniss a cheeky smile. She is obviously trying not to laugh. 

“Not my style,” I tease.

“I actually think it fits you quite well,” she says honestly, reaching up to stroke my cheek. I capture her hand and my lips brush against her knuckles. Katniss holds onto her dress as she moves to hug Johanna and George. 

“This is such a wonderful gift. Thank you both.” I repeat my thanks and invite them to dinner. Johanna says she is tired and that will see us tomorrow. Annie glances down at her sleeping son and politely declines as well.

Katniss and I carry our precious clothes upstairs and hang them in our closet. I smile as I see her stroke the fabric. I lean against the wall, my arms crossed over my chest.

“I can’t wait to see you wearing that.” She quirks a brow and closes the closet door.

“I think you’ve seen me in enough costumes to last us a lifetime.” I reach for her hand and squeeze.

“Is it a costume, love? A costume, by definition, is something worn to appear as a different person or thing. I suppose whatever we wore in the Capitol were costumes but then again, they were made by Cinna and Portia, who knew and loved us. Your wedding dress was no costume, for you weren’t trying to be anyone else but Mrs. Katniss Mellark. And those perfect little lingeries that you have…well, nothing is changed when you put those on either because you’ve always been that beautiful and perfect to me.” She is fighting a smile and I edge closer.

“And my Halloween dress? I wasn’t trying to become someone else by becoming a Queen?”

“Why bother? I told you, you’ve always been the Queen of my heart. So what if you don’t dress the part everyday.” She laughs and accepts my kisses as I lean in close. 

“You’re impossible,” she mutters between kisses.

“Quite so. Impossibly, irrevocably, intensely in love with you.” 

On the morning of the Jingle Bell Ball, I open the bakery by myself and am shocked at how busy we are. People from different districts are attending the ball tonight and have stopped in for baked goods. I feel like an idiot for telling Rory he didn’t have to come in this morning. Dane had to call in again, and Branelle isn’t quite finished with her training yet. I huff as I shove more cupcakes into the oven and I hear the bell of the door. Groaning, I hurry to the front to help the next customer. 

At noon, after running back and forth between the kitchen and the register, I am close to collapsing. I’d like to call someone else in but I don’t even have a moment to retreat to my office. I don’t know how I will get away to go to the Ball tonight. There’s too much work to be done and I still need to wash off all the flour.   
I hear the bell ring again and I have my hands full of muffin trays.

“Be right with you,” I call anxiously, hurriedly dropping the muffins onto the counter. In my haste, I burn myself on the oven and drop a series of curse words as I nurse my wounded finger. 

“Damn it,” I grit my teeth as I hurry over to the sink to run it under cold water. The customer is probably about to leave and I wipe my hands on my apron and burst through the door, freezing in place. There is only one customer in the bakery, and is holding his hand out expectantly for his change.

“Here is your pastry. Thank you so much, have a great day,” Katniss says with a broad smile and waves the customer off. I stare at her, shocked, while she opens the register to count the money. 

“What…when…I mean…” I can’t form a sentence and she turns around and gives me a warm smile.

“Hello to you too,” she says cheerfully, leaning in to kiss me. I return it eagerly, feeling all stress and exhaustion fade away against her lips. 

“Hi,” I say with a stupid grin. 

“I was passing by and saw the bakery was packed. When I peered in I saw it was just you and thought that was crazy. Where is everyone?”

“Dane called in to stay with Cora and Rory asked me if I really needed him, because we both thought that we wouldn’t be too busy today, with the Ball tonight. I guess I was wrong.”

“You’ve been alone all morning? Peeta why didn’t you call someone?”

“I wanted to but couldn’t even get a moment to get to my office. Damn it, I think the muffins are burning!” I hurry back into the kitchen and manage to save the blueberry muffins just in time. Katniss is right behind me and I drop the trays on the counter. I wince as I scrape my burned finger and she notices immediately.

“What did you do to yourself?”

“Just a little burn,” I mutter. “I’m fine.” She takes my hand and leads me over to the sink and runs my hand under the cold water. I visibly relax as the cool sensations make the burn fade. After a few moments, she takes my hand and brings it to her lips. I suck in a breath as her lips make contact with my skin. She glances up at me underneath her long lashes.

“Better?”

“Uh huh,” I say thickly, trying to ignore how tight my jeans are getting. I glance toward the front and see that no one has entered. I run into the lobby and turn the sign from open to closed. She blinks at me surprised and I swallow.

“I, uh, get a lunch break. Forty-five minutes to be exact.” She looks confused for a moment and I grin. She really is oblivious sometimes. I pull her to me and kiss her deeply, pressing and grinding against her until her eyes shoot open.

“Oh,” she says in realization, a lovely blush forming in her cheeks. I grin as I pull her toward the back, to my office, and close the door firmly behind us. I hoist her up onto my desk and spread her wide, using my lunch break on my favorite treat in the world.

\--

George has loaned me a gold pocketwatch, which goes splendidly with this outfit. I check it while I wait for my wife, who is running around upstairs trying to finish getting ready.

“Five minutes til we need to leave Katniss,” I call up the stairs. 

“I’m almost ready! Have you seen my brown jacket?”

“Babe it’s really cold outside. You’ll want something heavier, I think.” I hurry to the coat rack and grab my nice black coat and wait for her at the foot of the stairs. When she appears, I hold it out and see her smile.

“How is it that you always know just what I need?” I shrug, though my smile refuses to leave.

“Years of watching you from afar, I guess. I always knew what you needed. I was just never able to give it to you. Now that I can, I’m going to spoil the mess out of you.”

“You already do. I’m sure I’ve gained twenty pounds from all your baked goods,” she says as I help her into the coat. I smile and kiss her cheek and she reaches up to stroke my cheek. She looks absolutely stunning, as usual.

“I want to see you plumped up. I wanted to cry every time I saw how skinny you were at school.” I don’t mention the times I watched her in the lunch room, when she munched on nothing but mint leaves and I heard her tell Madge that she just wasn’t hungry. Or the moments when I saw her giving Prim her apple or her small slice of bread. How I wanted to give her all my lunch. I needed to see her eat and be healthy. Now that I am able, I will stuff my girl with sweets and treats and whatever she craves. She stands in front of me, her arms wound around my neck.

“My boy with the bread,” she whispers and I feel my heart hammer against my chest. She stands on her tiptoes to kiss me and it is sweet and chaste. She breaks away and finishes buttoning up my coat. I offer her my arm, which she takes. I have to stifle a smile as I lead her outside and feel her freeze beside me.

“Peeta,” she says breathlessly and I turn to glance at her. She has a look of shock, her eyes are wide, and her hand is covering her heart.   
I’d called around until I found a place that rents out sleighs for the night. I’d hoped Katniss wouldn’t find out and her shocked face lets me know I succeeded in surprising her. The sleigh is hunter green with tiny white snowflakes painted on the wood. It is lead by two beautiful white horses with silver bells decorating their reigns. There is a blanket and a pitcher of hot chocolate on the seat and I hold out my hand.

“Your chariot awaits, My Lady.” She gives me a warm smile, one that makes my heart thump, and takes my hand. I help her up into the sleigh and jump in beside her, stretching the blanket out over the both of us and she nuzzles into my side. I wrap my arm around her shoulder and click the reigns with my other hand. Thom already picked up Annie and Finn in his wagon a little while ago. The horses trot through the snow and Katniss pours a mug of chocolate, which she offers to me. I take a sip from hers and give her a loving smile. Seriously, my heart is so full right now that I don’t know if I can speak. As terrible as our lives once were, this moment right here is absolute perfection. Not even my dreams can compare. 

District 12 is beautiful in the winter. Brent and the decorating crew have outdone their selves with Merchant Circle. There’s a giant tent in the center of town with glowing lights strung around the ceiling. Children are running around, building snowmen or making snow angels on the ground. Several of them call out to Katniss as we pass by and she giggles as she waves back.   
I see several younger boys caring for the horses and the wagons and at the front is a gangly Merchant youth who looks familiar. When I help Katniss down from the sleigh, she smiles at the boy.

“Colton, how wonderful to see you again!”

“And you, Miss Katniss,” he says with a grin. “Peeta, it’s been a long time.” I shake his hand and nod.

“It has. I hope you’re well, Colton?”

“Very well, thank you. I’ll take care of your horses and sleigh. Mighty fine sleigh you have here too.”

“Thank you. A Christmas gift for my wife.” He nods and seems to understand my possessive tone. I don’t like how the boy is staring at her. With reverence, as I often do. And naïve as my wife is, Katniss notices nothing. I drape my arm around her shoulder and lead her inside, while Colton steps back and seems to slink back to the horses. 

The ball is in full swing and it is just as beautiful inside as it was outside. I take Katniss’s coat and drape it over a chair along with my top hat. I take a moment to study her, not having done so when she came downstairs. She carries herself with elegance and grace, something she swore she could never do back when we did the interviews for the Games. The dress looks wonderful on her, the rich green bringing out specks of gold in her eyes. Her dark hair is curled and some of it is on the top of her head while the rest flows down her back. I’m probably more excited than she is that her hair is growing back beautifully, having been burned off in the bombings. Her hair has always been an obsession of mine. When I first noticed her, she wore her hair in two braids rather than one. Sometimes she would even have little bows at the end of her braids. I’m not sure when she started to put it in one braid, but I would always look for that dark braid, resting over her shoulder, whenever I walked through the school halls with my friends. I don’t know why I love it so much but it’s so soft to touch and such a rich color. I especially love when she leaves it down during sex. When she’s on top, riding me, her hair falling over her breasts drives me wild. Oh, damn it! Now is not the time to be thinking of this! I quickly turn away and take a deep breath. Think of something else. Think of…

Oh shit. My eyes widen as someone else catches my eye. She grins with brilliantly white teeth and she hurries forward, her blonde curls bouncing as much as her bosom, which I am determinedly NOT looking at. Daniela looks beautiful, to be sure, but she is also trying way too hard and she should know by now that I have eyes for one woman and one woman only. 

“Peeta,” she gushes, squeezing my hand. “I’m so glad you could make it! You look SO handsome.” I feel Katniss tense and I hurriedly reach for her hand.

“Thank you, Daniela. You look wonderful tonight. And I’d love to finally introduce you to my wife, Katniss. Katniss, this is Daniela Grigory.”

“Oh…it’s Daniela Ryles again,” she giggles and I frown. Why on earth is she giggling? She’s happy to be a widow? I have to keep myself from shaking my head in disgust. I glance at Katniss and see that her smile is forced.

“It’s nice to meet you,” she says politely.

“And you! I have heard so much about you. Peeta tells me great things!”

“Funny, he’s never mentioned you before.” I snort but hastily turn it to a cough. I see Daniela’s smile flicker.

“We go way back, actually. I knew him when he was little. Remember we went to our first dance together, Peeta?” My head jerks around and I frown. What the hell is she…

Oh. Now I remember. The first school dance, the one that excluded the Seam kids, I was almost thirteen. My brothers went so I felt like I had to go. Daniela had followed me around for a week, I guess waiting for me to ask her to go. Finally, she came up and asked me and since I was dateless, I agreed. I squeeze Katniss’s hand and she seems to be fighting my grasp. I don’t let go though. 

“Right. Our first school dance. I seem to remember you leaving with my brother though?” Katniss glances at me out of the corner of her eye and Daniela’s smile fades completely.

“You weren’t making a move. I figured, why shouldn’t I?” 

“I was twelve,” I say in horror, though I expect that makes me a real prude or whatever the guys call it. Daniela heaves a sigh, which makes her breasts nearly pop out of her dress. I gulp and fix my eyes on her face.

“I would have much rather left with a different Mellark that night,” she says in a low voice, casting me a wink. 

“Guess it’s a good thing, then, that the Seam kids were excluded from this dance,” Katniss snaps, all civility gone from her face and voice. Daniela’s expression grows sour. I feel like I am watching a ping-pong match.

“Like you would have cared. You didn’t notice Peeta until after he became famous and desirable.” Oh damn. I can see fire flickering in Katniss’s eyes, probably at the word ‘desirable’. 

“I’d noticed him long before you think. And I suggest you take your flirty glances and your Capitol-made boobs elsewhere, far away from my husband!” My jaw drops and so does Daniela’s. With a sniff, she whirls around and disappears into the crowd. Katniss’s face is red as I turn her toward me.

“What the hell was that,” is all I can say, with a mixture of exasperation and awe-struck wonder.

“Oh you wanted her to stay? Couldn’t resist the view? I can just--“ I shut her up by pressing my lips to hers, not caring that we are in the middle of a crowded room. I hold her shoulders tightly as my tongue thrusts into her mouth, prodding at hers until I feel her come to life. She sinks into my embrace and I suddenly loathe all the heavy layers of material between us. I force myself to step back and smile at her flushed cheeks and her narrowed eyes.

“I love you Katniss Mellark.” Her eyes soften at her name and she sighs.

“I love you too Peeta. But don’t introduce me to any more of your little fan club tonight, alright? My hands are just itching for a bow.” I grin and pull her even closer, wrapping my arms around her waist and dipping her low for another kiss.

“Then how about a dance, Mrs. Mellark?” 

“Ugh would you two get a room,” Johanna hisses as she walks by. Katniss leans up and glares at our friend but I can only laugh. Johanna has crossed to George and they are going at it more than I ever would in public. I guess George has no problem with public displays of affection. I pull Katniss onto the dance floor and she rests her head on my chest. Over her shoulder, I see Delly and Brent dancing close together and Annie is holding Finn, twirling him around. I start when I see Haymitch, clean-shaven and dressed nice, with his arms around Effie’s waist. Posy is standing next to her brothers and her mother and she gives me a little wave. Smiling, I wave back and I nod to Rory. The tall man beside Rory turns around and his eyes meet mine. I feel a familiar wave of cold wash over me as I stare back into the grey eyes that match my wife’s.   
Gale tilts his head to me and turns to his mother, continuing their conversation. I sigh and shift Katniss around, so neither of us is facing that direction. 

“You know with everything that has been happening, you never did tell me what you want for Christmas this year,” Katniss whispers in my ear. I lean back and shrug.

“Honestly, this is all I want. To have you in my arms and to feel safe with you. It’s more than I could ever hope for.” She smiles and her fingertip strokes my cheek.

“Then consider this part one of your Christmas present. Part two should be here by Christmas Eve.” I kiss her forehead and her cheek resumes its place against my chest. When the dance is over, we head over to get refreshments and meet our friends by the table. Katniss hugs Annie and Johanna and gives Finn a kiss on the cheek. 

“You look so handsome tonight, Finny,” she squeals. I grin at the little boy. Annie has him dressed in a little green suit with a matching bowtie. 

“Very sharp, little guy,” I say with a smile, which he and his mother return. 

“I just love your outfits,” Effie gushes, reaching over to pat my arm. “These are in such an old archive, I’d thought they’d be lost forever. But you both look so splendid!”

“George and Johanna made them,” Katniss says proudly and Effie looks surprised.

“You two have such talent! You must come do a seminar at the Academy sometime! My students would adore it.” 

“I’ll definitely consider it,” George says with a smile. Johanna slips her arm under his and she leans in close. I’m glad to see how happy she looks. I can hardly recognize the bitterly angry Victor I met before the rebellion. Katniss smiles at me and her eyes widen at something over my shoulder.

“Hi Katniss,” I hear his deep voice. Swallowing, I turn to face Gale, who stands beside the drink table. He nods to all of us but his eyes are on my wife.

“Gale,” she says quietly. “I’m glad to see you accepted your mother’s invitation this time.” 

“Ghilda was called away on holiday business so I thought I would spend it with my family and friends in 12 rather than alone in 2,” he says softly. “You all look wonderful.”

“As do you, dear,” Effie says earnestly and I see Johanna roll her eyes. George seems to tighten his hold on her and I want to do the same with Katniss, but I don’t dare. I know how it would look and I don’t want to come off as possessive. Besides, I already promised Gale I wouldn’t dangle my marriage in his face. I don’t like the way he is looking at her though. I’m sure Ghilda would agree with me.

“Katniss, you look stunning. May I steal her for a dance, Peeta?” My brow quirks.

“You can borrow her for a dance,” I quickly correct myself, at the look that Katniss gives me. “That is, you can ask her. Katniss is her own woman.” Gale looks at her expectantly and she takes his hand.

“I’d love to,” she says softly and her hand slowly slips out of mine. I watch them as he leads her in the middle of the dance floor and I feel Haymitch move closer to me.

“It’s just a dance, kid.” 

“I know.”

“Loosen the reigns a little, Peeta. They’re nothing more than friends. Here, why don’t you take Annie for a dance and I can watch Finn?” I turn to Annie and offer her my arm and she smiles.

“Thank you, Haymitch. I’d love to dance with you, Peeta.” Haymitch and Effie sit down at a table nearby and Finn climbs into Haymitch’s lap. I smile as I lead Annie out onto the floor and we aren’t too far from Gale and Katniss. They seem to be deep in conversation but she catches my eye and smiles. I twirl Annie around and her green eyes sparkle up at me.

“She loves only you, Peeta. You know that.”

“I know. It’s just…years of seeing her with only him at her side. I mean, Katniss didn’t have many friends at school. It was always Prim or Gale. I was jealous of the guy before I even met him. Simply because he got to spend time with her.”

“Well now look at how things have changed,” she says softly. “I’m sure he’s jealous of you now. He had, what, six years with her? You get the rest of your lives.” I start as I look down at her and she smiles knowingly.

“You’re such a smart woman, Annie.”

“I’ve been told a time or two,” she says with a smile. When the dance is over, I kiss her hand and lead her back to the table. Katniss is sitting in Haymitch’s vacated chair, holding Finn in her arms. She’s making weird faces at him, eliciting shrill giggles from the boy. Annie grins and squeezes my arm for a moment before joining them. 

“You having fun with Aunt Niss?” Finn nods and throws his arms around Katniss’s neck. My heart is doing all kinds of twists and turns at the sight.

“Posy wants a dance with you before we leave.” I grin and turn around, searching for the little girl. I see her dancing with Gale and I turn back to Katniss.

“I’ll wait.” She nods and leans back in her chair, watching the crowd. We enjoy refreshments and some delicious little cakes that came from District 2. People stop by to introduce themselves and talk to us and Katniss does a wonderful job being perfectly polite. As the night goes on, I notice her starting to yawn. Annie has already left with a sleeping Finn, and I nuzzle her cheek.

“Ready to go home?”

“You’d better find Posy,” she yawns. “She’ll never forgive you if she doesn’t get a dance.”

“She’s been dancing with her brother. I think she’ll be ok.” Katniss shrugs and I help her up. As I lead her across the room toward the exit, I hear my name being cried out. Posy breaks away from Gale and runs toward me. I lower to my knees and hold out my arms, letting the little girl run into them. I don’t look at her brother; I can feel him glowering at me already. 

“You promised me a dance,” she pouts.

“You were having fun with your brother,” I say gently. “I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Peeta, YOU are my brother too.” I’m shocked as she throws her arms around my neck again and I glance up. Gale is standing near and he looks ready to murder me. Katniss moves quickly, her hand going to his arm.

“Gale,” I hear her say. “How about another dance? Before we all leave?” He doesn’t say a word as he flings her hand aside and stalks out. I swallow as I watch him leave and Katniss’s eyes meet mine. Rory and Vick stand by, watching, and Vick casts me a disgusted glare before he follows his brother out. Rory catches my eye and I cast him a pleading look. He drops to his knees and pats her shoulder.

“Hey Posy, let’s go say bye to Gale before he heads back to District 2, ok?”

“I wanted to say bye to Peeta first,” she says crossly. I swallow as I meet Rory’s eyes. I never wanted this to happen. I’d never want Posy to choose me over her own family. But now that Gale has seen it, I’m sure all civility and acceptance he has toward me has flown out the window. 

“You go with your brother and I’ll see you later, Posy,” I gently disentangle from her embrace and give her a small smile. Rory takes her hand and leads her out and I bite my lip as I make my way back Katniss. She wraps her arms around my waist and leads in close.

“It’ll be ok, Peeta.”

“I hope you’re right,” I say softly. “But I don’t think you are. Did you see the way he looked at me, Katniss? Now I’ve stolen two girls from him.” I look around nervously and see that we have drawn quite a crowd. I clear my throat and grasp Katniss’s hand.

“Oh Peeta stop. Posy still loves her brother and Gale knows that. He can’t be angry when he is the one who left and you are here, treating her well. You treat them all well. No one was stolen from him, Peeta. We make choices. We are our own women.” I glance at her and sigh. Leave it to me to fall in love with the most head-strong woman in all of Panem. She looks around and scowls at the on-lookers, then takes my hand and silently leads me outside. Our coats are brought to us and Colton brings around the sleigh. We’re silent as we ride home, my thoughts still on the look in Gale’s eye.


	66. Chapter 66

I rub the little bruise on my arm as I head home from Merchant Circle. Doctor Mersa suggested giving me a birth control shot that lasts up to two years. I probably should have mentioned it to Peeta but since he knows my opinion on children, I don’t think it will be a huge surprise. The bruise hurts though and I rub at it as I hurry toward the bakery. There is fresh snow on the ground and a bitterly cold chill in the air that makes me bundle deeper into Peeta’s coat. Annie and Finn presented me with beautiful new green gloves and matching scarf for Christmas, which I’m wearing right now.

Christmas was such a nice affair this year. Johanna, George, Finn, Annie, Haymitch, and Effie joined us for dinner and we opened gifts together. My Christmas present for Peeta arrived on Christmas Eve, which I was happy about. His face had completely lit up when he opened the box of cake pans, icing supplies, and a brand new mixer that did a number of other things. He had disappeared into the kitchen for hours and came up to the bedroom with two whole cakes, decorated beautifully just for me. 

His Christmas present for me was a tad more impressive than a few pans. I have no idea how he did it without me noticing but our bedroom had been redone completely and now reminded me of my woods. The walls were painted brown and green, with vines around the edges, the sheets and comforters were a deep green with brown throw pillows. He had bought wooden furniture and had even painted a huge tree beside the bed. I fell to my knees and wept when I saw it and he had gathered me in his arms, terrified and asking what he had done wrong. When I told him nothing, he had never done anything wrong, his eyes filled with tears and he and held me until I fell asleep. I have had no nightmares in our new room.

Johanna and George left this morning and Annie and Finn are heading back to 4 tomorrow. Annie and Finn came with me to town for my appointment this morning, and I’d suggested that we take Finn to see Colton’s horses before we head back to Victor’s Village. Colton seemed a bit surprised when we showed up this morning but he was happy to introduce his horses to Finn. I think he took to the little boy very quickly. It’s hard not to, the kid is as charming as his father was. I want to stop in and see Peeta before I head back with Annie and Finn. It’s sort of funny, I think as I walk, I have never been this eager to see a person in my life. I was always excited to get out of school to spend the days with Prim but I get giddy and eager to see my husband. I have to laugh in spite of myself.

I’m about to turn to go into the bakery when I see something that makes me stop in my tracks. Someone is coming from the fence, the fence to my woods. There’s only one person, even after all this time, who will go near the woods. I move closer and sure enough, I see dark Seam hair underneath a grey hat. He doesn’t notice me at first but as he gets closer to the road, he looks up and his eyes widen.

“Katniss.” 

“Hi. Did you have a good Chrsitmas?”

“Yeah, it was good. I um…I’m heading back to 2 tonight.” I nod and shove my hands in my pockets. This is awkward. We’re awkward. Why are we so awkward?!

“Katniss, I…” I look up at him to see him biting his lip.

“I wanted to apologize for the other night. I shouldn’t have stormed out of there like I did.” 

“You were upset. Understandably so, but Gale, you know Posy loves you.”

“I know. But I haven’t been around for my family, as Rory keeps reminding me, and I feel like…like someone else replaced me.” 

“No one could ever replace you in Posy’s eyes. You were more than her brother. You raised her. She’s always been your baby.”

“Leaving her was damn near impossible. But Mom didn’t want to bring the family to 2. I still ask them to come with me. I can take care of them.” 

“12 is still home, Gale,” I say softly and I see his face darken.

“Not for me. Not anymore.” I sigh. I’m not sure what to say to that, to be honest. 12 will always be my home. 

“12 stopped being home when I lost you,” he says quietly. I don’t know why but this makes me angry.

“You never had me to begin with. Why do you insist on making this some sort of stupid competition with Peeta? It was never like that with you and me. You know that.”

“I know that,” he says patiently. “And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I meant when I lost your friendship. Your trust. Your faith in me was something I always took great pride in. When you left for the Games, you asked me to keep your family fed and I promised you I would. She was like my sister too, Katniss. I had no idea…no idea at all that…she would use my design the way she did.” I feel rage swirling inside me and I bite my tongue hard. Gale eyes me warily and I know he senses the tension.

“I know I don’t have any right to ask for your forgiveness, Katniss. But I regret it everyday. I discovered what kind of person I was. Bitter, angry, vengeful, and dangerous. It was how you were too. I guess that’s why I always thought we would wind up together one day. We were so much alike.” This I understand. I once mistook Gale’s fire and kindred spirit for comfort. It took me too long to realize I needed Peeta to balance me out. To calm me down, to bring sunshine to my life, and to cast out the shadows. Gale wouldn’t have understood. He could empthasize but he would never understand. 

“I’m sorry, Katniss. I’m sorry for…well, a lot. And I’m sorry for the scene I made the other night.”

“I think you should apologize to Peeta, not to me.” His jaw tightens and I can tell he doesn’t think much of this idea. To my surprise, though, he nods.

“You’re right. He’s at the bakery right now?” I nod and he looks down the road.

“I still haven’t seen it. How was it, helping him rebuild his family’s bakery? Was it strange for you to go there? You know, after all the trades we made there?” 

“I didn’t really think of that, to be honest. I was worried there would be too many painful memories for him to cope with, and I get scared that ghosts will come back to haunt him. But he’s very happy with it and it has been a tremendous success.” 

“I’ll stop by to see you two before my train leaves tonight. If that’s alright?”

“Sure. We will see you later on.” He nods and turns away without another word. I watch him head back towards the Seam, or what used to be the Seam. Now the district has merged, both Merchant and Seam living and working side by side. Where a Merchant once screamed at someone from the Seam for being too near their house, now they are neighbors. I wonder how people feel about this change. It was necessary, yes, but that doesn’t mean people have to like it. Seam people are distrustful and suspect everyone. I can’t speak for all Merchants but many Merchants I came across when I was young treated me like scum. Except a few, of course. They were different. 

I say a quiet prayer for Mr. Mellark, Madge, the mayor, and the rest of the district. I suddenly need to see my own Merchant boy. I need to gaze into his startling blue eyes and forget everything but him.

He’s at the front, helping a customer and his face lights up when I walk in. He finishes assisting the customer and comes out from behind the counter to kiss me. 

‘This is a nice surprise. What are you doing in town?”

“I had my appointment with Dr. Mersa this morning,” I say in a low voice. He frowns and looks around for a moment before looking back at me.

“Everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine. I got a new method of birth control so we don’t have to worry for awhile.” I see something flash in his eyes but he nods and puts on a smile. I immediately know it’s fake and I sigh. 

“Peeta,” but his finger goes to my lips and he shakes his head.

“I’m glad you won’t be stressed or worried. Where are Finn and Annie?”

“At Colton’s stable. We’re going to stop by the orphanage on the way home. I’m making fish tonight for their last night. Are you going to be off in time?”

“Yeah, Branelle is closing for me. I’ll be home in time to help you.” I stand up to give him a kiss and feel his knuckles graze my cheek.

“I love you,” he whispers against my lips and my hand on his shirt tightens. I hear the door open behind me and immediately step back. 

“Well hello Delly! What brings you in today?”

“I was hoping you two would be here,” she says breathlessly. I turn to look at my friend and see that she is quite flushed. Her blonde curls are hidden underneath a purple hat and she keeps wringing her gloved hands. Peeta’s brow quirks.

“Everything alright, Del?”

“Peeta…I need to order a wedding cake.” He nods and goes back behind the counter.

“Great. Any idea what the bride wants? Who is it, by the way?” She’s biting her lip excitedly and she pulls her glove off. She holds up her hand and squeals and both Peeta and I cheer. I’m genuinely happy for Delly. She’s one of the sweetest souls I know and she and Brent seem great for each other. Peeta lifts the barrier and throws his arms around her. She lets out little excited squeals and Peeta laughs as he hugs her tightly.

“I’m SO happy for you, Delly!” She starts to cry and turns to me.

“Katniss! I want you to be my maid of honor!”

“Me?” I’m floored. Surely there are other people, people who are closer to her. But then I remember, she lost most of her family and her friends in the bombing. Peeta beams at both of us.

“Well, Peeta is like my brother and I would ask him but he’d look kind of funny in a dress,” she giggles again. “But you’ve become like my sister and oh Katniss it would mean so much to me!”

“Of course,” I tell her and gasp when she throws her arms around me. Peeta laughs and hugs us both. 

“Ok, I have to go. I mean I’ll be back to order the cake but I have to go tell everyone at the office and oh, can you please tell everyone here?” Peeta nods, a broad smile on his face. She lets out one last high-pitched squeal before she disappears out the door and Peeta shakes his head.

“She’s…so enthusiastic,” I say softly and Peeta chuckles as he wraps his arms around me.

“Girls get excited in different ways. I’ve never seen Delly without a smile on her face. Well, maybe in 13 but…” he trails off and looks uncertain. I lean up to kiss him and his smile returns.

“I need to go find Annie and Finn. I’ll see you tonight.” He nods and I grin at him as I close the door behind me. I make my way down the road and find Finn atop a pretty brown horse. Annie is standing by, grinning madly. 

“Wow, look at him go,” I say as I approach them. Annie nods excitedly.

“Finnick always wanted to learn to ride. He was better in the sea, though. We didn’t have many horses in 4,” she explains quietly. 

“Aunt Niss, look!” Finn yells, noticing me and I laugh.

“I see buddy. You’re doing great! Can you thank Mr. Colton before we leave?”

“Thank you,” he says to his new friend and Colton lifts him off the horse and hands him to Annie.

“You’re very welcome, Finn. I hope you can come back soon and ride again. Annie, it was wonderful to meet you.”

“And you, Colton. Thank you for everything,” she says warmly. I shake Colton’s hand and smile.

“You ready to give your first lesson next week?”

“I figured I will start out with Star here, since she’s great with kids. She took to Finn really quickly.”

“The kids are so excited,” I tell him. “You have no idea.”

“It’ll be fun,” he nods. “Thanks for arranging it, Katniss.”

“Thank you, Colton. These kids need something to look forward to.” He smiles, though it is a little sad and he pats Star’s neck.

“We’d better get moving. See you next week, Colton and Star.” Finn waves vigorously and Colton laughs as he waves back. I help Annie up into the wagon and flick Midnight’s reigns. 

Finn and Annie are a huge hit at the orphanage and Annie’s eyes well with tears as she watches Finn with the other kids.

“I was so afraid,” she says to me quietly. “So afraid that my past would mess up his future. But look at him, Katniss. He is making friends and laughing and playing. It’s so normal!” I smile at her and continue to watch Finn. Lara has become something of a protector for Finn. She clutches her doll to her chest while she holds out her arms to make room for Finn wherever they go. Helga chuckles beside us.

“Finn sure is popular around here. You can’t stay away for too long, Annie.” Annie smiles wistfully and I briefly wonder if she would consider moving here. I know 4 is her home but she has no one but Finn and I guess my mom but I think she could be so much happier here. I make note to mention it later. 

After more hugs and kisses than we know what to do with, we leave the home and head back to Victor’s Village. Thom meets us at the edge of Victor’s Village and I thank him for letting us borrow Midnight. We all pat Midnight’s neck (Finn tries to kiss him but he just whinnies and turns away, making Finn cry) and shuffle towards our houses. Haymitch’s house looks empty and I wonder where on earth he could be. Annie tries to hide a yawn and she shakes herself.

“Can I do anything to help with dinner, Katniss?”

“No, I’ve got it covered. Why don’t you go take a nap and come over about seven?” She nods and gives me a hug before she picks up Finn and heads into my old house. I head to my own home and hurry around the kitchen, getting things ready. When Peeta comes in, he immediately hangs up his apron and picks up a knife to slice the vegetables. I lean over the fish to kiss him and his hand stills for a moment, his lips melding to mine. I lean back and smile and go back to preparing the fish. 

“It smells great in here, Katniss.”

“I made Finn a little alternate dish. You know, in case he doesn’t want fish.” He gives me a warm smile and I see something flickering between sadness and longing in his eyes. I turn away to put the fish into the oven and wipe my hands on the towel. Peeta hands me the cutting board of veggies and I scrape them into the dish on the counter.

“I brought home a loaf of bread and a pie for dessert.”

“Thank you. I wasn’t going to try to bake anything.” He grins and cups my chin.

“Do you mind if I go wash up? I feel like we had a flour fight in the bakery.” I grin and nod and he kisses me again before I hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs. I turn back to my task and set to making a delicious meal. I will shoot someone through the heart if anyone calls me a housewife but I find that I am actually quite close to one. I suppose Peeta and I share the responsibilities around the house, and he cooks more often than I do. What will happen when we have children?

The glass dish slips from my grip but luckily, I grab it just in time. I set it back on the counter and shake my head. What the hell am I thinking? Why am I thinking of children? Haven’t I sworn I will never have kids? Haven’t I told Peeta time and time again that I don’t want them?

I I think Finn is rubbing off on me. And Lara. And all those sweethearts at the orphanage. I blink and shake myself.

No. No matter how attached I am to them, I can’t have my own. I can’t protect them. I couldn’t protect my own sister. I’ll just be Auntie Niss to them all and will enjoy spoiling them. The timer goes off for the veggies and I continue my tasks, banishing all other thoughts away.


	67. Chapter 67

I shower quickly so I can get back downstairs to help Katniss. The sight of her so domestic really makes my heart race. It’s almost like seeing her with a baby in her arms. Something so unexpected yet beautiful. I hurry to the closet and pull on some grey jeans and a blue sweater that Katniss loves. I lace up my brown boots and hurry downstairs. 

Katniss is leaning against the counter, her arms crossed over her chest, and her eyes narrowed at the oven. I have to stifle a laugh. Watched bread will never rise, my father always used to say. I cross over to her and wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her in to me. She leans in close and I swear she is smelling me, her arms settling around my neck. I can’t blame her. I have to sneak a whiff of her hair, always burying my face in her dark locks so I can inhale her scent. I grin down at her and feel her fingers in my hair.

“Hi,” I say softly. She smiles and leans up to kiss me and my grip on her waist tightens. I wonder how long we have until Annie brings Finn over. And how inappropriate it would be for me to take Katniss right on the kitchen table. 

“Did you have a good day at work,” she asks, interrupting my thoughts.

“Yeah, it was good. We stayed pretty busy. What about you? Did you take Finn and Annie to the orphanage?” She nods, her face getting softer and I swear, lovelier.

“They all loved Finn. You should have seen Lara, the way she was protecting him. Annie was crying, she was so happy to see him with kids his age.”

“That’s great.” Finn is smart for his age but he is the child of two Victors and I know life can’t be too easy for them. From what I saw on our honeymoon, Victor’s Village has become somewhat of a pilgrimage site and Annie’s is the only home that is occupied. I wonder, had 12 not been destroyed, if certain landmarks would have become historic sites. Katniss’s home in the Seam, maybe. The bakery. Our school. Here is where the Mockingjay went to school. Here is where she lived with her mother and her sister, sharing one room and one very small kitchen. Here is where she fought to keep her family alive.

I can just imagine the Justice Building. Look everyone, here is the stage where the Mockingjay took her sister’s place at the Reaping. Here is where the Mockingjay and her husband became district partners and he swore to protect her with his life.  
Yeah. I can see the history books teaching that one day.

Katniss leans back and studies me intently.

“You ok?”

“Yeah. Sorry, zoned out. When are Annie and Finn coming over?”

“Around seven.” I glance at the clock and see we have a good hour before dinner. So I pull my wife over to the table and sit down in front of her. She looks down at me, a slight bemused frown marring her lovely features, and my hands rest on her hips. Slowly they make their way up to her breasts and I see her close her eyes and release a sigh. I lift her shirt up a little so I can kiss her flat stomach, and my tongue dips into her bellybutton. I push her shirt up over her head and fling it aside, my arms wrapping around her and bringing her closer to my mouth. I kiss her stomach up to her bra and I pull the cups down so I can access the luscious flesh hiding underneath. I reach out and tentatively lick around her nipple and feel her shiver in my arms. Her fingers wind around my hair and she throws her head back and moans.

“Peeta,” she sighs. The sound of it always makes me harder. I take her nipple into my mouth and my teeth gently graze it as I suck on her whole breast. She squeals and my hand moves down to the button of her pants. I pull them down around her ankles and help her step out of them. She looks back down at me while I lean in to kiss her clothed center. I can see a wet spot on her satin underwear and I let out a little groan against her skin. I rub the spot before my tongue is on her. I continue to tease her until I feel her fingers pulling at my curls.

“Peeta,” she says sharply. I grin at her impatience. I move the panties aside and take a long lick, my nose hitting her clit just right. I lean her back against the counter and drape one of her legs over my shoulder so I can get closer. As I devour her, I look up and moan in longing. Her head is thrown back, her back arched, and her toes are pointed as her foot is pressed against the chair I’m sitting in. Her skin is a gorgeous shade of pink and tiny droplets of sweat drip down her breasts. I reach up and   
squeeze one as I flick my tongue over that bundle of nerves. Her hips jerk and I notice her legs shaking.

“Peeta,” she moans. “Peeta, please.” 

“Say you’re mine, Katniss,” I growl before I take her into my mouth again. Her hips jerk and she squeals.

“I’m yours!” 

“Say I am the only one who makes you feel this way.”

“Oh, g-god. You’re…you’re the only one!”

“Only one what?” She bites her lip hard as I pull her clit with my teeth.

“Fuck! You’re the only one who can make me feel this way! Peeta! Fuck!” I reach up and rub hard, watching her hips jerk uncontrollably. I put my mouth back on her and then Katniss does something she has never done before.

She grinds against my mouth as hard as she can and emits a shrill scream. At the same time, I feel a rush of fluid pour into my mouth and I have to keep from gagging as it is unexpected. She literally starts to fall forward and I hoist her up onto the table. I had only meant to make her come, and then perhaps come back to this later but her powerful orgasm leaves me wanting my own release and I grip her hips as I shove my pants and boxers down my hips, only far enough to free myself. I easily slide into her, giving her no time to recover. She’s limp underneath me but she whimpers and moans as I plunge in and out of her. I imagine she is incredibly sensitive and I should probably be much gentler but I’m not thinking of any of that at this moment. I reach down and grip her breast as I thrust in and out. My hips are slamming against hers and she has no strength to meet me. I feel myself seizing up about a second later and I collapse on top of her. Her breasts are heaving as she struggles to catch her breath and me lying on top of he is probably not helping her breathe any easier. Once I find my strength, I move off of her and glance at her clothes on the floor.

“Umm, we should probably shower real quick before they get here,” I mutter. Katniss nods but doesn’t move. Smiling, I lift her in my arms and carry her to the bathroom down the hall. I don’t have enough strength to take us to the one upstairs and we have to be quick. This bathroom is less luxurious, with a smaller shower that I have never used. She leans against the wall while I soap us both up, then I allow her to move under the water to rinse while I brush my teeth. While she goes upstairs to get dressed, I tie a towel around my waist and clean up the kitchen. When she comes back downstairs, she throws a clean pair of underwear in my face.

“Didn’t think you’d want to put the dirty ones back on.” 

Since you nearly made me come in my pants? I don’t speak my thoughts but I smirk as I drop the towel and she averts her eyes. I have to laugh as I dress quickly. When I button my pants, she shoots me a glare. I raise my brow.

“Still so pure, after everything?”

“No,” she says through gritted teeth. “You just…don’t need to be standing naked in our kitchen, is all.” 

“You were’t complaining when you were standing naked in our kitchen,” I say slyly. I laugh when she blushes bright red.

“Dinner better not be ruined,” she snaps and hurries to the oven. She lets out a sigh of relief when she pulls the fish from the oven and waves her hand over it. I cross over to her and move her wet braid off her neck, kissing her skin softly.

“Am I to believe you don’t want more orgasms like that in the future?” 

“You’d better watch it or you won’t get anything from me for a long, long time.” I gulp. Now that’s a threat.   
I start to wonder if she is upset that I finished inside her. She has been asking me to pull out ever since her pregnancy scare and I’ve obeyed her wishes. We even used a condom the other night, although both of us agreed we hated it. I love nothing more to be inside her without any barriers. But I’ll do whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable and safe. With her new birth control, I assumed everything was ok. I bite my lip and push a strand of hair behind her ear. She still looks very flushed.

“Katniss? Was that, umm…was that alright?”

“What do you mean?” She doesn’t look at me as she shoves a spoon into the vegetables. I gently turn her to look at me and she looks surprised.

“We haven’t…I mean, I haven’t,” I sigh deeply and run a finger through my damp hair. “That’s the first time I’ve…you know, when I was inside you...in a long time. I just…didn’t know how you feel…you didn’t say anything or ask for me to…well, you know.” And they say I am the one with all the words. Ha.

“It’s fine Peeta,” she says softly. “I’m ok. I trust this shot. And you. And I’ve missed…that,” she blushes but I won’t let her. I kiss her deeply and step back to help her finish dinner. She gives me a shy smile and goes about plating the fish. I heat up the bread and start to set the table.

“I’m, um…sorry,” she says softly and I look up, frowning. She gives me a pointed look and I gape at her. I remember she looked so embarrassed the last time she…um, squirted? That’s what my brothers used to call it. I guess she doesn’t understand how intensely proud it makes me feel. I set the dishes on the table, go to her and take her hands, making her look at me.

“I think at some point, you and I need to sit down and have a conversation about our…intimacy.”

“What? Why,” she asks, her voice breaking. I can only grin.

“Because we need to discuss what we like and what we don’t like. We can’t be embarrassed about this, Katniss, our sex life is nothing to be ashamed of. I want to hear you say what you like in bed. And I will tell you what I like and want with you. And I will tell you now, I don’t just like it…I LOVE when I make you come like that.” She blushes a bright red and I grin as I kiss the corner of her mouth. 

“We have to come back to this conversation later. You’ve been pleasuring me with your mouth forever and I’ve never asked you if you like it.” If possible, she blushes even deeper. 

“I love it,” she says in a low voice that makes me want to take her upstairs and forget all about dinner. I shift uncomfortably and notice that my jeans are way too tight now. 

“Damn it,” I mutter. “Go finish making dinner. I need a second to…compose myself.” She grins and her eyes flit downwards. My eyes narrow at her as she slinks away, her ass shaking more than it usually does when she walks. I shake my head and move away from her, going to the cupboard to get plates. Breathe and think of something else…think of…dammit Katniss! I glance at her out of the corner of my eye and see her licking the spoon that she’s used for the glaze. Her tongue rakes along the silver and she closes her eyes, as if she is savoring the flavor. I bite down on my lip and feel all the blood rushing to my groin.

“Damn you, Katniss,” I say as I stomp off across the room. I swear I hear her giggle. People say we are in our prim when we are in our 20’s. I hope that I never have any issues with my vitality because Katniss will always drive me mad. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Annie and Finn talk about how much they love the district and the orphanage and the bakery and I just smile. Finn sits on his chair, his tiny legs dangling. I was so proud when Annie walked in, holding his hand and he came limping through the door. It will take some time but the little guy is a fighter, like his mama and daddy. I could almost see Finn’s fierce determinaton on his pudgy face. When we finish up dinner, I cut the pie and offer everyone a piece. I brought Finn a special gigantic chocolate chip cookie and he devours it, getting chocolate all over his face. We all laugh as he grins goofily at us. 

It’s a pleasant evening and I’m sad to see our friends go. Katniss promises to take them to the train station in the morning but I have to say my farewells now. I hold Finn in my arms and he leans up to kiss my cheek.

“Love you Uncle Peeta,” he says sleepily. I hand him to Annie as he nods off and kiss her forehead. 

“Come back any time, Annie.”

“Thank you, Peeta. You both have been so wonderful, I don’t know what Finn and I would do without you.” She squeezes my hand and gently pats the sleeping baby’s back as she makes her way back to Katniss’s old house. As I am about to close the door, I notice someone making their way through Victor’s Village. I frown as I watch him get closer, wondering what the hell Gale Hawthorne is doing on my lawn this late at night. 

“Um, Katniss? Gale’s coming to see you.” I try to keep the uneasiness out of my voice. I hear Katniss curse.

“Damn. I forgot to tell you! He wants to talk to you before his train leaves.” Surprised, I turn back just as Gale is coming up the stairs. His hands are shoved in his pockets and he clears his throat.

“Evening Peeta.”

“Good evening,” I nod to him. Why is he here? And why didn’t Katniss tell me he was coming? Granted she just said she forgot but, well, I feel like I needed more of a warning for this.

“Can we, uh, can we take a walk?” 

“Sure.” Does he want to kill me away from Victors Village, where he can hide my body somewhere? I sigh and follow him down the steps and across the lawn, toward the entrance to Victor’s Village. It’s freezing out and I wish I had grabbed my coat. I shove my hands in my pockets and let out a breath, which I can see in the cold night air. Gale sighs.

“I uh…I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. I shouldn’t have stormed out of there like I did. It just…hurt to hear Posy say that about the guy I always felt was living my life.” I stare at him, confused.

“Come again?” He sighs again. 

“Look Peeta, I get it, alright? Katniss and I wouldn’t have worked and that’s before the bombs. Now she can barely look at me because of what I did to her sister. But you have to understand…when we were growing up, it was just us. I protected her, and we kept our families alive. Together.” I nod. I know all of this. I watched her for years. Watched her with him, and wished I could be him. 

“We weren’t fond of Merchants, you see. Your dad was different, of course. But most of them…they spit on us when we came into town. They snarled at us when we wanted to trade. Katniss started to trade at the Hob because that’s where her father used to trade. Trading with your dad and Madge, though, kept us alive. It kept Prim and my brothers and sister alive.”

“I doubt that. You were both hunters. You fed your families yourselves.”

“Yeah but you kept Katniss alive,” he says pointedly. I look down at my shoe and scuff the ground. 

“It’s not like you knew about that. Or that she knew why I had done it. Hell, I don’t think she knew I burned the bread on purpose until that night in the Cave, when we talked about it. She thought it might have been an afterthought on my part.”

“Peeta, I’m not talking about just that,” he says delicately and I frown.

“Ok. What are you talking about then?” He runs his fingers through his dark hair and seems to be searching for words.

“Remember in Tigris’s basement? I said that I should have volunteered for you and you told me she would never forgive me because her family meant more to her than her own life?” I nod slowly. My time on the star-squad is fuzzy but I remember that conversation with Gale. He had woken up to find me staring at Katniss. After a few minutes of watching me, he offered me a drink of water, which I eagerly accepted. I was handcuffed to the stairs and could barely move so he held the flask to my lips and allowed me to drink my fill. We discussed Katniss, which one of us she really loved, which one she would choose. I swallow, feeling my throat become dry.

“You kept her alive. I watched those Games, hating you because you were protecting her. I never realized I hated you because I knew I wouldn’t have done the same.” Wait. WHAT did he just say?! 

“When you teamed up with the Careers…well, some people whispered that you were obviously doing it to keep them away from Katniss. Some of us said you were a traitor and we cursed your name. Katniss’s face when she realized you were part of their group…my god, I’d never seen so much pain in someone’s eyes. They showed a real quick clip and she covered it pretty well, putting on this sly smile as if you had planned it together. But I knew her. I knew she thought you had betrayed her.” I wince. Why is he telling me this? Did he bring me out to freeze my ass off and recount the most painful memories possible? Let’s bring up my dead family next! 

“I’m sorry to bring this up,” he says quickly, catching my expression. “I guess I’m not getting to the point fast enough.”

“What IS the point Gale,” I ask, irritated.

“The point is, that entire time, all you were thinking of in the arena was her. She was thinking about getting back to Prim and you were thinking of getting her back to Prim. That wouldn’t have been my only thought. I would have been thinking of Posy and Vick and Rory and my mother. Of how they would starve without me. I have a feeling that you when you entered the arena, you were pretty resigned to the idea of dying.” He gives me a weak smile and I bite my lip. He nods, as if in understanding, before he continues.

“I would have done whatever I could to protect her. But I’m afraid if it came down her and me and the Careers, I would have saved myself. I wouldn’t have done it myself, I don’t think I could ever do that, but I wouldn’t have given my life for hers. But you, you took a sword to the leg. You took a mutt ripping at your flesh and that Career nearly killing you, and you actually told her to kill you at the end. You put that bow in her hands and told her to do it. I couldn’t have done it, Peeta. Katniss would have died if I had volunteered for you. You kept her alive. You love her more than anything, more than I ever could. I can see that now. Now that I’m not blinded by rage and hatred and fear, I see things clearly and can see that you are the one who saved her in the end. So I have to thank you for that. For keeping her alive, when I couldn’t. For always putting her first. For doing something that I could never do: loving her above all else.” My wide eyes register him holding out his hand and I cautiously take it and shake. He gives me a smile and his grey eyes gleam in the moonlight.

“See you around, Peeta.” And with that, he’s gone. I gape after him, long after he has disappeared from my sight. His words swirl around my head, making me blink in confusion. Did that even just happen? Did Gale Hawthorne actually thank me for keeping Katniss alive? The girl I have loved longer than he’d even known her. Slowly, I turn on my heel and look back at Victor’s Village. The moon is high in the sky and I can just make out Katniss’s silhouette on our porch. I heave a great sigh and my boots crunch the snow as I make my way back to the house. She watches me anxiously as I stomp the snow off and follow her inside. She pushes a mug of hot chocolate with lots of tiny marshmellows into my hand and pulls me into the living room, where a roaring fire greets me. She kneels in front of me and takes off my boots and my wet socks and I shiver as I feel her hands rubbing feeling back into my numb foot. My entire body is numb. Whether from shock or the cold, I sit motionless on the couch. Katniss watches me from the floor, concern etched on her face.

“Peeta?” I vaguely register her saying my name but all I can do is blink. She takes the mug from my hands and sets it down, before she climbs into my lap and takes my face into her hands.

“Are you alright? What did he say to you?” I blink up at her, her grey eyes narrowed in suspicion. I reach up and take her braid into my hand, gently pulling the band from the end and allowing the silky strands to fall around her shoulders. She continues to watch me, baffled. 

“Peeta, please, talk to me,” she urges and now she is looking a little scared.

“I’m ok,” I mumble.

“You don’t look ok. Did he say something to upset you?” I shake my head. How do I tell her? How would it make her feel? How does it make ME feel? I had a family to come back to as well. But I know they would have been fine without me. After all, isn’t that what I told her in the Quarter Quell? Her family counted on her. Mine didn’t. My mom often reminded me of how useless I was around the bakery. I didn’t have Bialy’s talent in the kitchen or Ryean’s charm. I was good at school, quiet, and pretty good at sports. She thought being on the wrestling team was a waste of time, even though Ryean was on it with me. She often smiled with Bialy but I rarely saw it directed at me. Would she have been happy if I had died in the arena? Maybe. I don’t really think so. Dad cried when my name was called at the Reaping. Mom didn’t shed any tears when they came to see me off. Ryean was crying, apologizing for not volunteering for me. The sight of Katniss yelling after Prim and throwing herself toward the stage plays in my mind. Those last few moments with my family, hearing Mom’s words.

“Well, District 12 might finally have a winner after all these years.” I looked up at her, hardly daring to believe it. My brothers and my father were all watching her too. Mom sniffed. 

“She’ s a fighter, that one. She’s too stubborn to die. And he’s stupid enough to help her live. This fool will probably sacrifice himself to save Seam trash.” I couldn’t stand it. I leaped at her and screamed at her to get out. Dad actually told her to wait outside and the three of them just held me.

“Just come back to us, Peeta,” Bialy muttered in my ear.

“Don’t make it all about her,” Ryean whispered. “Save yourself. For your family.” After they left, Dad looked up at me, silent tears streaming down his gaunt cheeks. 

“I know you will do everything you can to save your songbird, Peeta. Just remember, she isn’t the only one with family waiting back here.”

“I know that Dad. I’ll try to win. I promise.”

“No you won’t son. You’ll try to help her win. I know you. I see it in your eyes. And I won’t begrudge you for it.” He pushed a bag of cookies into my hands and I looked up into his tear-filled eyes.

“Give them to her. Please.” He nodded, understanding.

“I’ll make sure the little girl has enough to eat,” he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek, and then left. I stared at the closed door with shock and growing fear. Katniss had a chance to win. And I would make sure she did. I wasn’t coming back. Dad knew that. My whole family knew that. 

 

I feel soft hands in my hair and I notice Katniss pushing my curls out of my eyes, her eyes soft and loving. I reach up and bring her hand to my lips.

“Are you ready for bed?” I nod and she pulls me up the stairs and into our bedroom. I start pulling off my shirt but her hands stop me and I watch her curiously. Her hands slip my shirt over my head and make quick work of the buttons on my pants. She never breaks our gaze as she drops to her knees, slowly inching my pants and underwear down my legs. I stumble slightly as I step out of them and her hands travel up and down my legs. She stands up on her knees and I watch her tongue inch out of her mouth and across the head of my cock. I let out a hiss as she kisses me lightly, teasingly, but she never looks away from my eyes as she takes me into her mouth. The sight of her pink lips wrapped around my dick and the way her eyes are smoldering with love makes me cry out her name as I come alive under her ministrations. I stop her before I get too close, gently pushing her back onto the bed and helping her with her clothes. I climb over her and we never look away as her hand gently strokes me, then guides me into her. It’s the opposite of what we had done earlier in the kitchen. It’s slow and gentle and I pour every ounce of love and reverence I have for her into her when I find my release and likewise I see the passion flowing from her eyes. I sit up and pull her into my lap as I lean against the headboard, her legs wrapped tightly around my waist. I’m still inside her and we stay connected for as long as we can. I kiss her deeply, sated and surrounded by her love. 

“Will you tell me one day?” her voice is soft and I just nod. She climbs off of me and pulls me down to lie with her, her head resting on my chest, her ear directly over my heart, which has always and will always beat only for her.


	68. Chapter 68

Finn clings to my legs as I hug Annie. None of us want to say goodbye and I have been chewing in my tongue the whole way to the train station.

“Thank you for everything,” Annie says in my ear. As she pulls away and picks up Finn, I let out a deep sigh. They are almost to the train when I yell it out.

“You can have my old house!” She stops and I bite my lip. That’s not how I wanted it to come out. She turns and gapes at me, her brow furrowed.

“What do you mean?” 

“I…um…” she walks back and I see the conductor give an impatient sigh. 

“Katniss?” I look up at her and shrug.

“You and Finn mean the world to us. And I think you’re lonely in 4. I want you to come here, to 12. You can have my old house and can come help me at the orphanage and…” I trail off, looking down. Annie is staring at me like I’m crazy. Maybe I am. I did just offer my house to her and her son. 

“Katniss, you have become one of my best friends,” she says softly. “I…I would love to come here to be with you and Peeta and the rest of 12. But 4 is my home. It’s where…god, there weren’t a lot of happy memories but I feel like leaving it would be like leaving Finnick.” I nod, understanding. I don’t know if I could leave 12. As many painful memories as there are, it’s still home.

“I will think about it, ok?” I nod again and she kisses my cheek. I watch her and Finn climb aboard and wave goodbye. I turn on my heel and start back toward home.  
The bakery is on the way back to Victor’s Village so I stop in for a moment. Riley and Branelle are at the front and both smile when I enter.

“Hey there Katniss. How are you today?”

“Doing well, Riley. Is Peeta in the back?”

“Yep. A couple came from 2 came in for a wedding cake and he is working on the designs.” I hesitate, not wanting to disturb him but Riley shakes his head.

“You know he always has time for you. Go on back.” Branelle lifts the barrier and smiles as I pass by her. I head into the kitchen and Dane and Rory both look up to nod at me but everyone looks extremely busy. Rory gestures toward the office and I knock lightly.

“Yeah?” I hear Peeta’s voice, sounding slightly irritated. I open the door just a crack and see him hunched over the desk, papers spread all around. He looks up, prepared to yell, it seems, and his face changes when he realizes it’s me. I can honestly say this makes me happy, that I can chase those clouds away from his eyes. His face continues to soften as he rises from his chair and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me in for a hug.

“Hey beautiful, this is a nice surprise.

“I’m sorry, I know you’re really busy.”

“Never too busy for my favorite girl. Here, come on in.” He closes the door behind me and gestures for me to sit down. I glance at the designs and frown.

“Diamonds?”

“Her name is Diamond and she wants a cake covered in them! I suggested something more classy, like wrapping the jewels around the layers and then maybe some elegant swirls on the side. I’m coming up with some different designs to offer them next week. They’re paying a lot of money and I want them to be happy with them but their proposed design was the tackiest I have ever seen.” I bite my lip to stifle my laughter. He smiles and sweeps his hair out of his eyes. 

“So Annie and Finn are gone?”

“I didn’t want to go home to an empty house,” I confess. “It’ll be weird without them around.” He nods, playing with his pencil.

“Yeah but you still have the woods with Rory. You still have the orphanage and all those little ones counting on you. I’ll be getting out of here around 6 tonight.” 

“I asked Annie to move in next door,” I blurt out. I see him freeze and he cocks his head.

“Did you now?” I nod and he raises a brow. “And what did she say?”

“She said that 4 is still home. And that she would think about it. She and Finn just seem really lonely, Peeta. I hate to think about them in Victor’s Village by themselves, with no one to talk to. It’s sort of like…like when we first moved to the Village. And we weren’t really talking.” He clears his throat uncomfortably.

“Least I had Haymitch,” he says in a fake cheery voice. I bite my lip and hang my head low. 

“Hey,” I hear him get out of his chair and he comes around to face me. He kneels in front of me, taking my hand and looking up at me.

“I’m sorry. That was dumb of me to say. I keep telling you not to blame yourself for how things were and here I am, bringing them up again. I’m sorry.”

“But you’re right.” I have to fight back the tears and Peeta leans up to press his forehead to mine.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says softly. “You’re here now. We’re together. That is all that matters in the end.” He takes my face in his hands and kisses me softly. My hands come up and cover his and he leans against me again and closes his eyes.

“You have no idea, how many times I wished I could do that.”

“And now you can, whenever you feel like.”

“Is that an invitation?” I smile as our lips meet again. There’s a soft knock at the door and Peeta stands up and calls for them to come in. Dane comes in, looking apologetic.

“Sorry to interrupt but Peeta, there is another couple asking for a consultation for a wedding cake.” Peeta sighs and nods and I quickly stand up.

“I’ll leave you to your work. I’ll see you tonight?”

“I’ll be home for dinner,” he promises and he walks me to the door, kisses me goodbye and lets me hold him for just a moment. I don’t know why I’m feeling so emotional this morning but it needs to stop. I go home to gather my bow and arrows, and spend the entire day in the woods. I bring down a turkey, which I hurry home to prepare and cook for dinner. Peeta loves wild turkey and I quickly prepare a rice dish to go with it. When Peeta comes home from work, he looks exhausted but he quickly perks up when he smells the turkey cooking. After dinner, we take a bath together and he carries me into the bedroom and disappears between my legs. Too tired for anything else, we both fall asleep in each other’s arms and my last thought is how content I would be if this became my life everyday.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love Sundays. Peeta doesn’t go to the bakery and it’s our day to sleep in, take long showers together, and just enjoy each other’s company. It’s funny that just a few years ago, Sundays were still my favorite day but for a different day. It was my day with Gale, spent in the woods. If someone had told me then that I would be spending my future Sundays with the Merchant boy who I traded bread with, I’d have shot them through the eye. But yet here we are. And I have never been happier.  
This morning, I wake up before Peeta and think how hungry I am. It would be nice for me to fix breakfast in bed and surprise him. But then those thoughts are pushed from my mind as I notice how he is tangled in the sheets. Summer is brutal here in 12 and we sleep naked almost every night. He’s lying on his back, with his arm thrown over his face and the blanket is barely covering his stirring cock. He has taken to sleeping with his prosthetic leg on and it is currently dangling off the bed. I bite my lip as I watch him sleep, his strong chest moving up and down to the time of his breathing. His arms are even stronger with the added work at the bakery. I’m a little surprised to see how hard he is right now. He’s told me before that this happens for a lot of men. That it is completely normal to wake up aroused in the morning. It makes sense, thinking back to mornings with him on the train. He blushes when I mention it but I just fire back that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I move in closer and leave soft kisses across his stomach, moving up to wrap my tongue around his nipple. I hear a soft gasp and he shifts his legs. I glance up to make sure he is still asleep before I kiss my way down his stomach. I mark his pale skin with my lips, leaving a bruise here or there on my way down to my destination. When I reach his cock, he is harder and seems to be squirming in his sleep.

“Katniss,” he whines above me and I have to smile. A year ago I would have been embarrassed that he dreams about me like this. Now it makes me feel powerful, worthy, and complete. I continue my gentle kisses, across his tip and down his shaft. He lets out a deep groan and jerks his hips. I lick my palm and take him into my hand, moving up and down while my tongue flicks across his head. I hear him curse softly and have a feeling he is finally awake. The sheets rustle as he moves around and I glance back at him, my hand never ceasing its actions. 

My husband is beautiful in the morning. His blonde curls are tousled and mussed, his blue eyes are hazy and clouded with sleep. His long lashes rest on his cheeks as he throws his head back and moans my name. I lower my head and take him into my mouth and hear a thud as his head hits the wall. I hollow out my cheeks best I can and travel up and down. I can’t go all the way down because he is so big but I take as much of him into my mouth as I can. I feel him pull my bottom half toward him and I shift around on my knees. I feel his hand on my cheeks, his fingers teasing my entrance. He can feel how wet I am for him and I blush. 

“Fuck Katniss,” he says in a low voice. He growls and leans up a little. My back arches as soon as his tongue touches me. His hands spread me wide and I feel his tongue thrust in and out and I momentarily have to pause my actions as Peeta is driving me crazy. I suppose that was his intent because he is pulling me up to straddle his face and his hardness slaps against his stomach. His hands come up to rest on my breasts and he moans against my flesh. I toss my head back and reach back to grip his hair. My thighs are squeezing against his ears and still he consumes me completely. I come, screaming his name to the room and completely forget that we have left the window open. At this moment, though, I could are less. I move off his face and down his body, taking his cock in my hand and impaling myself. His fingers dig into my hips as he moves me up and down and I reposition myself, resting my feet on his knees. He thrusts up into me and one of his hands comes around to squeeze my nipple again. 

“Shit Katniss! Shit!”

“Let go, Peeta,” I purr and feel him shake his head. He’s trying to hold on longer, to make sure I come before he does. Peeta is predictable in the way he loves me. Anything he can do to put me first, he’ll do it. He definitely puts my pleasure before his own. He reaches around and rubs me fast and hard. 

“God Katniss!” He cries out when he feels me clench around him, and I spread my legs, watching his seed seep out of me and onto the sheets. Exhausted, I lean back on him and his shaking arms wrap around me, holding me in place. My legs are screaming at me when I move them and I move to his side, burrowing my face in his chest. 

“Holy shit,” he pants into my hair. “What an amazing way to wake up.” I grin and look up at him and he kisses my nose.

“I was going to get up and make breakfast but now I don’t think I can move.”

“Let’s sleep awhile longer,” he says, already drifting off. I nod in agreement, snuggling deeper in his arms.

When I wake up again, it’s because the phone keeps ringing and I feel Peeta getting up. He grabs a pair of boxers and runs to the study. The phone stops ringing but then I hear him calling for me.

“Katniss, can you come here?” I pull on a pair of panties as I walk and button up one of his shirts as I approach the study. Peeta holds the phone on his shoulder and he gestures for me to join him.

“What’s going on?”

“Hey brainless! I wanted to talk to you and bread boy together! You sitting down?”

“Just tell us, Johanna,” Peeta says tiredly.

“You’re no fun,” Johanna retorts but she sounds quite cheerful. “Fine. Katniss. I’m calling to ask you if you would be one of my maids of honor. And Peeta, I’d like to ask if you would give me away.” It takes a moment, I’ll admit. Peeta’s wide eyes meet mine and I gasp.

“Oh my god, Johanna! George proposed!” Laughter comes through the phone and Peeta gives me a broad grin.

“He did. I’m pretty nervous about it too. Never thought I was the marrying type.”

“Well I said the same thing about myself,” I remind her. “Now look at us.”

“Well how about it, Mellarks?”

“I would be honored to walk you down the aisle, Johanna,” Peeta says fondly.

“So Annie and I are your bridesmaids?”

“Well, yeah, I guess but I just decided to have two maids of honor and no bridesmaids. Although George’s niece will be our flower girl.” 

“Who’s making your cake,” Peeta asks eagerly. 

“Oh, this baker we found in District 5 last month.” Peeta’s face falls and he bites his lip. Just as I am reaching out to comfort him, Johanna laughs.

“I’m kidding, baker boy! Of course I want you to make our cake!” I roll my eyes but Peeta grins and nods.

“I’d be honored.”

“You should call Effie,” I tell her. “She helped me so much when we were planning our wedding.”

“I might do that. I don’t know where to begin.”

“You’ve already begun,” Peeta says with a smile. “You’ve started calling your family. We’re so happy for you, Jo.”

“Thank you Peeta. I never thought…I didn’t think I would be this happy. I didn’t think I would…well, find anyone who could put up with me. George…he changed my life.”

“I know the feeling,” Peeta says softly, his eyes meeting mine. I wrap my hand around his and squeeze. 

“I need to go. Maybe I’ll call Effie when George finishes calling his family. I’ll be in touch!” We say goodbye and he hangs up the phone, shaking his head.

“Wow. Never imagined Johanna a married woman.”

“And you imagined me a married woman?” He looks at me quickly and his face falls only slightly.

“I guess I always pictured you married to Gale. Even when we were engaged, I had a hard time picturing you married to me. I sort of assumed we would work out some kind of deal when we lived in 12, you know, so you could…be with Gale on the side,” I take his face in my hands and kiss him on the lips, silencing him. His hands cover mine and he closes his eyes. Our rings clink against one another and I smile as I press my forehead to his.

“I was going to ask you if you were ready to eat breakfast but I’m suddenly hungry for something else.” His brow quirks and he looks smug.

“And what would that be?” I pull him out of the room and back to the bedroom, my fingers playing with the waistband of the boxers that are riding low on his hips. I lean up and bite his lip, tugging it into my mouth and he gasps. 

“My husband,” I say slyly as I pull him down to the bed with me.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s the first day of July when Peeta and I are jolted awake by the phone ringing. I grumble and throw the pillow over my head but Peeta leaps out of bed and runs to the study. Glancing at the clock, I grumble even more seeing that it is nearly 3 in the morning. I hear Peeta’s hushed voice and I wait to see if he will come back to bed. When he does, he has a broad grin on his face.

“Cora had a healthy little boy.” My irritation disappears and I actually feel myself getting giddy.

“Oh goodness that’s wonderful! How are they?”

“They’re both doing great. Dane says Cora is resting and little Nathan is being tended to by the midwife. They’re both healthy and well.” He holds me tight when he gets back into bed and I feel myself already slipping back into my dreams.

“We should go to town and get them something. I know Rory and I built that crib for them but I want to get something for Nathan.”

“The crib is for Cora, then,” I tease through a yawn and I feel him gently tug my hair.

“No Smarty pants, I just mean I want to look at the baby store for some kind of toys or something.”

“Ok. We’ll go on your lunch break if you want.”

“You’ll come with me? Baby shopping?”

“Why not,” I reply. “Might be good practice.” I hear him gasp and don’t really register what I’m saying as I fall back into his arms, dead to the world. 

I try to pull down my dress more as I approach the bakery. I’m wearing a pretty summer dress that George and Johanna sent for me for my birthday but it’s much too short and shows off my scars. Still, District 12 is blazing hot this summer and I appreciate the cool breeze as I hurry along the road. I peer inside and see Peeta and Branelle behind the counter, talking to customers. I slip inside and stand near the wall. Peeta lifts his head and his eyes meet mine, softening immediately. When he finishes the transaction, he hands over the package and lifts the barrier so he can move from behind the counter. 

“Wow,” he says softly as he reaches for me. “You look beautiful.” 

“You say that everyday,” I tease, leaning for a kiss.

“It’s true but I love that dress on you. You look so care-free.” I know he’s referring to my scars. I still have a hard time letting people see. But District 12 is scarred. Our neighbors are scarred. If we’re going to put ourselves back together, we do it as a district. As a nation. As a family.   
Peeta tells Branelle and Rory that he’s taking his lunch and we grasp hands as we make our way towards town. There’s a new store that was just built that carries everything you could possibly need for babies. I try to ignore the way Peeta’s face lights up when we enter and he drags me toward the toy aisle. 

He’s like a kid in a candy store, I swear. I have to constantly remind him he only gets an hour for lunch, but he keeps finding new things to attract his attention. By the time I am able to drag him toward the check out, he has a basket full of toys, stuffed animals, a teething ring, rattles, and brightly colored bottles. 

“I hope Cora and Dane have enough room for all this stuff,” I playfully poke him and he gives me a look.

“It’ll go in the nursery, Katniss. That’s what nurseries are for. Cribs and babies and all their stuff.”  
I don’t know why I ask. It’s one of those moments when I wish I could stick my fist in my mouth to stop the words from coming. But they come out anyway.

“Have you thought about what…our nursery would look like? If we ever…you know?” He glances at me quickly, his brow raised in surprise.

“I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t,” he says quietly. I want to ask him what he would decorate it with. What it would look like.  
But we’re never going to have one. Because I never want children. Therefore he will never put those ideas to use. Perhaps when Johanna and George have a child, they’ll ask Peeta to decorate the nursery. A feeling of guilt gnaws away at me and we are both silent as we make our way back to the bakery. Because of the many shopping bags, we aren’t holding hands and it makes me feel more closed off from him. 

When we reach the bakery, I offer to take the bags home until we can go to Dane and Cora’s house later after he gets off work. He starts to protest but I slide bags on my arms and his lips clamp immediately. I give him a quick kiss on his cheek and turn away before he can say anything. 

That evening as I am cooking dinner, the phone rings. I glance at the boiling sauce and lower the heat before I run upstairs to the study.

“Katniss, it’s Rory.” I grip the phone with white knuckles and I feel my heart start to quicken.

“What’s wrong?”

“He’s ok. He just…had an episode. He wants to know if you’ll come walk with him. I offered but he only wants you.”

“I’ll be right there.”  
I completely forget about the food cooking as I run to the bakery. I clutch a stitch in my side as I rest on the front porch, leaning against the door. The bakery is closed and empty of customers but Rory opens the front door and gestures me inside. I am panting and heaving for breath as I run back to his office.

He is sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. His face is bloodless, his eyes red from crying. His curls are on end, probably from him pulling at them. I see scratches on his face and neck. I fall to my knees and pull him into my arms. He hesitantly lifts an arm and brings it around my waist. I hold his head to my chest and stroke his hair, burying my face in his soft curls. 

“I’m here, Peeta,” I whisper soothingly. “I’m here and I love you.” He pulls away and blinks up at me. His eyes are still startlingly blue, though a little hazy. He looks confused and I brace myself for a difficult game of ‘Real Not Real’.

“You were pregnant in the Quarter Quell. Real or--“

“Not real,” I cut him off. “It was a lie you told to stop the Games. We had never done anything like that until you came back to District 12. Our first time together was at your house, the morning after I spent the night. Do you remember?” He frowns and my heart plummets. 

“We didn’t… on the train?”

“No. We only slept. You held me and chased away the nightmares.” He nods, his brow still furrowed. I stroke his cheek and he leans into my palm, closing his eyes.

“You would have had a family with Gale, if he had stayed in 12.”

“Not real,” I almost yell. He recoils and I sigh deeply, taking his hands and kissing his knuckles. “I didn’t want Gale. I don’t want Gale. I want you. You are my family.”

“You weren’t pregnant,” he says softly, almost to himself. “It wasn’t real.” I shake my head no.

“Snow told me you were and it wasn’t mine. He showed me videos of you and Gale and he laughed at me how I defended you in front of the world, telling everyone that you and I were having a baby. Then I saw a video of you very pregnant and you took a knife and cut out the baby. You were screaming that you would rather die than have my child inside you.” 

I am horrified and my face must show it because he looks apologetic. 

“N-not real, Peeta,” I stammer, blinking back tears. He reaches up and uses his thumb to wipe at the corners of my eyes. I hold onto his hands and stare into his eyes.   
The cloud of confusion is drifting away and is now replaced by tears.

“I always see you like that. In my dreams I mean. Pregnant and glowing and so damn beautiful. But something always happens. You claw at your stomach with these two-inch nails. Or you cut it out with a knife. Sometimes you even throw its tiny body at me while I am crying. I hate myself so much, Katniss.” I start as he throws himself in my arms and his body shakes with his sobs. I hold him tight and cry silent tears. 

“Peeta I don’t want children because the pain of losing them is just too great. But if I ever had a child, I want it to look just like you. Your kind smile and your beautiful eyes and your golden curls and your sweet heart.” I start to think about Peeta holding a baby in his arms. How beautiful that would be. And I start to wonder.   
I reach up and take his face in my hands.

“Not right now, Peeta. But maybe someday. Maybe. I promise I will think about it.” He buries his face in my shirt and holds on with a death grip. After awhile, he falls asleep in my arms and I have to rouse him with soft kisses before he opens his eyes. He groans and pulls me up with him.

“Damn I’m sure we’ll both be sore tomorrow. I am so so--“

“Don’t even say it,” I say sharply. “Stop apologizing. Please.” He falls silent and he nods and I open the office door. Rory is the only one here and he is cleaning the counters.

“Oh Rory I’m so sorry. Go on home, I didn’t mean to keep you here this late,” Peeta says softly.

“Don’t be stupid, Peeta. I wasn’t going to just leave. And it’s no problem. You two want to lock up?” I nod and give him a look of thanks. He nods to both of us before he hangs up his apron and backs out of the door. Peeta sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

“I was planning to go see Cora and Nathan but now I am just exhausted.”

“Let’s go home and have some dinner. We can go see them tomorrow, ok?” He nods and allows me to lead him back home.

His nose wrinkles when we walk through the door and I gasp and run to the kitchen. Well, the food is destroyed, that’s for certain but I’m extremely grateful that the house didn’t burn down. Peeta comes in after me and his eyes go to the stove.

“You left everything cooking?”

“No lectures,” I snap. “I was worried about you.” He comes over to me and wraps his arms around my waist.

“I know,” he says softly. “Thank you for loving me that much.” I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down for a kiss. I hear both our stomachs growling and he breaks away, grinning.

“I can whip us up something pretty quick. If you want to clean this up, I’ll have dinner ready in ten minutes.” 

We work well in the kitchen together. We have this familiar dance that we have perfected. If he needs something, I plop it in front of him without him asking. Likewise, we shuffle around each other, him stealing a kiss every now and again as I set the dishes in the sink to soak. Soon, I’m smelling the dinner and realize how hungry I am. I set the table and he brings over the dishes. He’s made some kind of hash out of the waterfowl I shot yesterday and has combined it with potatoes and carrots. He sets some toasted baguettes on the side of the plate and sets it in front of me. My mouth waters.

“Why do I bother trying to cook when you can create these kinds of dinners in less than an hour?” His eyes sparkle as he takes a bite.

“I love when you cook. You make a mean squirrel stew that I could never perfect.” I roll my eyes.

“Yay, one dish, Peeta. You’re the cook from now on.” 

“I thought that was the agreement when you moved in,” he chuckles. “You just all of a sudden started to cook all the time.”

“Fine. I’ll hunt, you cook. And bake. I still need my cheesebuns.” He grins as he cups my chin.

“Deal.”


	69. Chapter 69

The district is busy getting ready for both Christmas and Delly’s wedding. I know it’s been stressful for her to plan because she and Brent really wanted to marry in this beautiful venue they found in District 8. But since she had asked Katniss to be her maid of honor, she had to stay here and I don’t know how happy Brent was about it, despite him being the Mayor of 12. Still, Katniss and I help as best we can. Between Delly’s wedding and Johanna’s wedding shower next month, Katniss is spread very thin. I haven’t seen my wife in what seems like months. We’re too tired to do anything other than sleep. I miss her but I’m happy that Delly is getting this. Johanna, too. 

Annie has brought Finn to visit twice since their visit in January. For my birthday, Finn (with Annie’s help of course) made me this really neat seashell art that I’m   
supposed to hang from the ceiling. I put it in my office at the bakery and it makes me miss Finn, Annie, and 4 in general. Annie also brought Finn here for his birthday. I presented him with a gigantic train cake and we invited a bunch of the kids from the community home to celebrate with Finn. Annie wept, saying he had never had a real birthday party and Colton brought his horses over and gave the kids rides. Finn clung to Katniss and I that night, thanking us over and over. After we went to bed, Katniss cried in my arms, saying Finn deserved so much more. I held her and assured her we would give our godson everything we could. I figure, if I’m not going to have kids of my own, why can’t I spoil my friends’ children? Finn often begs for Katniss and I to visit him in 4. I hate hearing him cry when Annie tells him we can’t. Katniss has told me to just go visit but I can’t stand the thought of leaving her behind. How I would love to just be able to take Katniss away whenever we want. Dane took Cora and Nathan for a little vacation last week and I have to admit, I was jealous. I’m sort of angry and slightly bitter with the government for keeping this stupid exile active. 

President Paylor paid us a visit a few weeks back, very nearly sending me into a flashback. Seeing the Peacekeepers, or whatever they are called these days, surrounding our house made me panic and Katniss’s hand in mine steadied me. 

“I’m sorry to appear unannounced like this,” she said solemnly. “But you two are near impossible to reach.” It’s true. Our mail has gone untouched and I’m sure it’s pouring out of the storage unit we send it to. Katniss is never at home and I am either at the bakery or with Delly, helping her plan the wedding. I guess that’s because Delly figures Katniss isn’t into the whole wedding planning details but it would be nice if she could come help out once in awhile, as I have no clue as to what I’m doing. 

“What can we do for you Madame President?” 

“Please, Katniss, you don’t need to bother with the formalities. And I’m here to discuss the memorial.” Katniss and I froze.

“What memorial?”

“I told you, Peeta, we are building memorials for each district and we will eventually unveil a huge memorial in the Capitol, a reminder of the War and all it cost us. We are making our way around the districts to plan the memorials. Since the Mockingjay and her husband live in District 12, we decided it would be the first memorial. And we want you two to help us.”

“Excuse me?” Katniss squeezed my hand and I winced.

“I know Peeta is a wonderful artist. And I know you both lost so much. I want you two, as well as Haymitch, to have a say in what 12’s memorial will look like. What it will entail, where it will go. I would like to have the plans to submit by April. That gives you plenty of time.” I glanced sideways at Katniss and noticed she was still frozen.

“You really want our opinions on this,” I said quietly. “I mean, you care about what we think?”

“Of course,” the president said gently. “We owe our lives to you two. Panem is indebted to you both. As well as the hundreds who fought and died in the revolution. Panem is a different country than it was two years ago. We have healed. We have overcome. We have struggled and fought and gotten back up. And Katniss Everdeen, er, Mellark, the girl who ignited the flame of this country, Panem is indebted to you.” Katniss dropped my hand immediately and ran up the stairs, disappearing into our bedroom. Paylor looked surprised and a little abashed.

“Don’t worry Madame President,” I assured her. “I’ll take care of her. And you’ll have your plans before Reaping Day.”

“Thank you, Peeta.” We shook hands and I saw her out. Once she was in her hovercraft, I went up the stairs to find Katniss buried inside our closet. It took me hours to coax her out and I held her tightly all night long. Once she finally came out and ate some dinner, she said nothing about the plans for the memorial.  
I still haven’t mentioned them. I did call Paylor once she returned to the Capitol and she took my phone call immediately. 

“President Paylor, why is Katniss’s exile still active? Hasn’t it been long enough for the people of Panem to forgive and forget? Why does she have to remain trapped in 12?”

“It is for her protection, Peeta,” she said earnestly. “There is still a group of Coin supporters who would see her dead. We have even intercepted several death threats over the past year. We can make sure she is safe, as long as she stays in 12.” This angered me and I told her I had to go. I can protect my wife just fine. I don’t need an army of Peacekeepers. I don’t need Gale Hawthorne and his security. I protected her on my own, didn’t I? I protected her in the Hunger Games and…

I stop and run my hands through my hair. We protected each other. And she would murder me if she heard me say I am the one who protects her. We protect each other. She doesn’t need someone to watch over her all the time. She’s the strongest and bravest person I know. 

I left the bakery early, hoping to come home and cook with Katniss. But she’s still not home so I get started on dinner without her. She’s been at the orphanage more than in the woods lately, so I decide left overs will do just fine. As I’m heating up the deer meat to make spaghetti, I hear the door slam and I jump. I hurry to the front door and I hear sniffles. I stop when I see her, taken aback. Her face is red and blotchy, her lips chapped from the wind. Her hair is hidden by a green hat, dotted with snow. 

“Katniss?” She looks up and our eyes meet. She’s been crying. Her red-rimmed eyes close as she walks straight into my arms and she buries her face in my shirt.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Lara’s gone,” she said, her voice muffled by my shirt. Frowning, I pull her away and study her intently.

“What?”

“Delly and I talked about a couple of the girls being her bridesmaids and I went to the orphanage to ask Lara if she would want to be with me. But she’s gone, Peeta! She’s gone and I’ll never see her again.”

“Slow down. What do you mean, she’s gone?”

“Her brother came back for her and took her to District 5. He got a job there and can take care of her.” My poor Katniss. As glad as I am that the little girl is with her family, I know she and Katniss grew very attached to one another.

“Honey, that’s a good thing though. She’s with her family, still. She’s not an…an orphan,” my throat sticks at that word. I’m an orphan. I’ve never really thought about it like that but I guess I am. She rests her forehead on my chest and I stroke her hair.

“I wanted her, Peeta.” Wait…did I just hear that correctly? I pull her back and she can’t seem to look at me. I hold her face in my hands and force her to look up.

“Say that again.”

“I was going to ask you…I wanted to adopt her. After the holidays. I asked Helga how to go about it and Delly was going to get me the paperwork. I just didn’t know how to bring it up to you. I fell in love with that little girl and wanted to bring her home. And now I’ll never see her again.” She sniffles and closes her eyes again and I allow her to fall forward into my shirt. She wanted to adopt Lara.  
She wanted to ADOPT that little girl. For a brief second, I allow myself to dream about that. That beautiful child, who looks so much like Prim, holding our hands as we walked through town. She looks more like me than Katniss but I could always pretend. I would love her as my own.   
I know how painful this is for Katniss. I hold her close and scoop her into my arms. I carry her upstairs to our bathroom and set her on the toilet. She sniffles occasionally while I run a bubble bath for her, then I help her out of her clothes. She isn’t fighting me as I lower her into the water and I unbraid her hair. When I rise to my feet she looks up at me and blinks back tears.

“You aren’t staying with me?”

“I was going to make dinner…” I trail off, seeing her sad look. Sighing, I unbutton my pants and shove them down my legs, kicking them and my underwear aside. I pull my shirt over my head and step into the tub. She moves forward so I can sit behind her and I pull her against my chest. Her hands find mine under the water and she turns her head so her cheek rests against my arm. 

“We’ll see Lara again,” I whisper in her ear, rubbing her arm soothingly. “We can invite her and her brother to come visit. I’m sure Helga has all of his information, since he removed her from the home. You’ll see her again, love.” 

“Am I a terrible person, Peeta?” I frown and look down at her.

“Why would you ask that?”

“Because I feel like…I was trying to replace Prim.” I squeeze her tight and rest my chin on her shoulder.

“No,” I say firmly. “You love Lara, like you loved Prim. There’s nothing wrong with loving more than one child. You didn’t try to replace Prim. She will always have a special place in your heart that no one will ever fill, not even me. Lara taught you not to be so afraid of your motherly side. You giggled and relaxed and had fun at the orphanage. With those kids, you’re not the Mockingjay or the Victor. You’re just Katniss. And you need to try to be yourself more often.” 

“I am so confused, Peeta,” she huffs. I have to smile at her impatience.

“Ok, well, I’m just saying that she brought out a side in you that I didn’t think I would see again after what happened to Prim. And I love it. Prim would love it too, I’m sure of it. There are plenty of kids at that home who need love, just like Lara did. You can love them all, Katniss.” She rubs at her face and nods. 

“I know,” she sighs and leans her head back to rest on my shoulder. The bathtub squeaks as she moves further down into the water, propping her legs up on the tub, her knees bent slightly. The way she is spread open makes me grow hard with want and I groan as I know Katniss has noticed. But she says nothing, I guess trying to make it easier on me. It crosses my mind how long it’s been since I have been inside her and my cock twitches under the water. Damn it. I’d just wanted to comfort her. Not perv over her when she’s upset! She shifts a little, trying to scoot away from my groin. She leans her head back on my stomach and reaches up for me. I lower my lips to hers and drink her in. From this position I have easy access to her breasts, which I cup in my hands. One hand tweaks her nipple and she cries out against my mouth. Her hand finds mine under the water and brings it down to her submerged thighs and I tease her with the tip of my finger. Her hand shoots out to grip the side of the tub and she tosses her head back, her hair splayed all over my chest. I lean forward and suck at her neck as my fingers push into her. Her knees quiver and I want to continue to the teasing but damn if I don’t have her soon I may lose it. I turn her around and she seems to know exactly what we need. She throws a leg over my waist and her hands find my aching cock. A few strokes of her hand and my own hand shoots out, stopping her.

“I’m not going to last long as it is,” I tell her. Her eyes darken but she grips me as she slides on top of me and we both groan loudly. She rises up and down, splashing water all over the floor. I could care less. My hands grip her hips as I help her move over me and fuck does she feel amazing. My hands move up to grasp her breasts and I admire how perfectly they fit in my palm. Her hands cover mine and she throws her head back, bouncing up and down and occasionally grinding against me.

“Shit Katniss! Oh god, baby, yeah!” 

“Let go, Peeta,” she purrs. “I know you want to.”

“Not…until you do,” I say through gritted teeth, holding on as long as I can. She grabs my hand and brings it to where we are joined and I press my thumb against her clit. She screams, my name mixed with some curses, and starts to bounce even harder. Shit Shit Shit! 

“Fuck Katniss!” I feel her walls clench around me and I am gone. She leans forward, her forehead resting on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around her and our chests press against each other. The feel of her bare breasts pressed against me makes me ready for round two. She leans back, her brow quirking, and I know she has noticed me hardening inside her.

“My my, Mr. Mellark sure does have stamina tonight.”

“Guess that’s what we get when I don’t see my wife for weeks,” I retort and she smirks. I notice there are bubbles covering her breasts and part of her stomach and I suddenly have the vision of Katniss covered in whipped cream. And chocolate. Anything sweet. 

Fuck! My cock jerks inside her and she gives me a sly grin.

“Just what are you thinking of now, Peeta?”

“You are still on top of me,” I say defensively. She wraps her arms around my neck and her fingers grip my hair. I rise to my feet, still holding her in my arms, and get out of the tub. Without grabbing a towel, I carry her into our bedroom and proceed to take her against the wall, on top of the dresser, and finally a gentle go tangled in our sheets. I forget about how hungry I am and quickly fall asleep in her arms.


	70. Chapter 70

I have to say Delly’s wedding is quite beautiful and I try to not to look around the Justice building while we wait for the bridal party to appear. Effie called in some favors with the decorating and everything looks striking with splashes of purple here and there and soft lighting like a candle’s glow. Brent, Thom, and I are in dressed in grey suits with purple ties and matching purple flowers pinned on. Brent shifts nervously and I smile, remembering how incredibly nervous I was on my wedding day. Katniss and I have been married two years now and I don’t regret a single day. Nor do I stop thanking my lucky stars that the odds were finally in my favor, the day I won her heart. 

There is soft music coming from the back of the room and more people appear on the silver carpet laid out in the aisle. I see several of the little girls from the orphanage, all dressed in frilly purple dresses as they practically run down the aisle. Helga stands off to the side, hissing directions. I suck in a breath when I see Katniss. She looks absolutely stunning in a long purple gown, her dark hair piled on top of her head with a few purple flowers clipped in. She’s holding a bouquet of yellow and purple flowers and her head lifts so that her eyes meet mine. I silently mouth ‘I love you’ as she approaches and see her small smile as she stands off to the side, across from me. I can’t keep my eyes off her, even as she looks away. I know all attention should be on the bride but I cannot stop staring at my gorgeous wife. Finally I am able to tear my gaze away and I see Delly being escorted by her brother, Daniel. She looks absolutely lovely, with her blonde curls pinned up and a long white veil follows behind her. Her dress is huge, white, and poofy and I am reminded of the many dresses that Katniss had to try on for our fake engagement. I clear my throat and straighten up and feel Katniss’s eyes on me. I shake my head, to show her I am ok, and my smile widens as Delly and Daniel get closer. Brent has lost all breath, I think. He is gazing, open-mouthed at his bride-to-be and Thom gently nudges him. Delly stops in front of him and smiles shyly. Brent leads her up to the archway of flowers and there, they become husband and wife. Brent is so lost in his wife’s gaze, he doesn’t hear the man’s instructions to kiss her. Haymitch, who sits in the third row, shouts out “kiss her already, you fool!” and there are titters from the crowd. Blushing, Brent and Delly share their first kiss as husband and wife and run back down the aisle to exit the building. I think technically Thom is supposed to offer Katniss his arm and escort her out but he seems to understand and nudges me forward. Katniss’s arm slips under mine and I gently kiss her cheek.

“You’re so perfect,” I whisper in her ear, smiling when she blushes. 

Delly and Brent invite us back to their new house for the toasting and they kiss after a bite of the toasted bread, provided by Mellark Family Bakery of course. Delly giggles as she feeds her new husband and I watch her with a broad smile. I remember growing up with this girl, always thinking of her as my sister. I am so happy she has found someone to make her as happy, as I have. Slow music starts up and people start to move to the middle of the floor. I hold Katniss’s hand in mine while my other rests around her waist and she leans into me as we move slowly. Soon it’s time to cut the cake and Delly calls me forward to introduce me as the ‘creator of this masterpiece’. I imagine everyone already knows I made their cake. Mellark Family Bakery is the only bakery in 12 now and I have to say, I’m glad of that. I kiss Delly’s cheek and shake Brent’s hand before I make my way back to Katniss. She squeezes my hand and rests her head on my arm.

“The cake looks beautiful, Peeta.”

“Thank you. I’m pretty proud of it.” Brent told Delly to do whatever she wanted with the cake, so I actually made him a smaller one that was a lot less intricate, which he seemed very grateful for. Their cake is three tiers, stacked on one another, with purple fondant. Silver wraps around each tier and silver swirls with white pearls decorate each layer. I watch as Delly and Brent slice it together and Delly giggles shrilly as she smashes a piece in her husband’s face. 

The party goes all night and I am exhausted. Delly and I share several dances together and I dance with Posy more than once. Katniss is yawning near the back of the room and I remember I am supposed to open the bakery in the morning. But I feel terrible leaving. I make my way to Delly and pull her in for another hug.

“I am so happy for you, Del.”

“Thank you Peeta,” she says, glowing. “As I am for you. Things finally worked out for us, didn’t they?” I glance back at my wife and see she is nodding off. I kiss Delly’s cheek and tell her I need to get Katniss home. Delly comes with me to hug Katniss so tightly I think Katniss puffs for breath but she thanks my wife for everything and tells her she couldn’t have done it without her. I drape my arm around Katniss’s shoulder, call for our jackets, and escort her back home. I help her out of her dress, reach for the pins in her hair and she sighs when her locks fall around her shoulders, and lead her to the bed. After I strip out of my suit, I fall into bed with her and we fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.


	71. Chapter 71

It’s starting to get warm again and Johanna and I have been viewing wedding locations around District 12. I hate that she has to get married here because of me, even though she assures me 12 feels more like home than anything else these days. George is in the Capitol teaching seminars at Effie’s school, so that means Johanna has been spending more and more time here in 12. With less than a month until her wedding, she is finally starting to crack. I have to admit, it took her a lot longer than it did me! I still feel terrible when I think about the fights between Peeta and me and even that terrible night just a week before our wedding. I do not do well under pressure and I don’t think Johanna does either. Peeta seems to keep her calmer than I am able to. They have been working together on the design for the cake and she stays at the bakery for a long time. She sees him more than I see him these days. Effie has helped tremendously, since I am technically supposed to be the one who plans a lot of this. Her bridal shower went off without a hitch! She had a great time and they received lots of presents not only from friends in 12 but from well-wishers around Panem. I think Jo was a little surprised that people still think of her as a Victor. But after everything that has happened, after the many times we have tried to leave the Games in the past, they just keep coming back to us.

I suggested to Johanna a month ago that she stay with Peeta and me while George is in the Capitol. It seemed like a good idea for a few days. Peeta was working late nights at the bakery and Johanna and I perused catalogues and chatted on the phone with Annie about themes and colors. 

But the nights were terrible. 

Peeta and I were jolted awake one night by terrified screams coming from the guest bedroom. We tore down the hall and burst into the room, ready to attack whoever had entered our home. We found Johanna thrashing on the bed, tossing her head back and forth, screaming “please stop” and “don’t hurt them anymore”. Before I could move toward her, I noticed Peeta had backed against the wall, his hands over his ears. His face had lost all color and his eyes were full of tears.

“No,” he kept whispering to himself, shaking his head. Torn between whom to comfort, I chose my husband before he went into a flashback. I ushered him out of the room and kissed his cheek before I closed the bedroom door and approached Johanna’s flailing form. It took me awhile to wake her up and I got a black eye in the process but I finally calmed her down and I was shocked when she threw her arms around me and cried. 

“I have them every night,” she sobbed. “George will hold me and they will go away but they’re worse without him.”

“I have them too,” I told her. “Peeta holds me but I still have them. The Games never leave us.” She shook her head and wiped at her face. I hurried downstairs to make some tea for all of us, since it was clear no one would be sleeping much tonight. After I put the water on to boil, I went back in and told her the tea would be ready soon. I went to find Peeta but did not see him in our bedroom. Trying to keep myself calm, I checked his studio and found it empty. 

“Peeta?” I called his name down the hall but did not hear him. Of course that horrible night in the Quell came flooding back, with me desperately calling his name before the lightning struck the tree. 

“Peeta!” Stopping in our bedroom, I could make out the sound of water running and saw the light on in the bathroom. I pushed the door open and gasped loudly. 

“Peeta!” I ran to the shower, where Peeta was crouched with his hands over his head. He was rocking back and forth, shivering violently. Touching him, I discovered the water was freezing cold.

“Peeta! What are you doing?” I shut the water off and climbed into the tub with him. I took his face into my hands and he tried to shake me off.

“Leave me alone! Leave all of us alone!”

“Peeta, please look at me. It’s Katniss.”

“No! She’s dead.”

“Peeta, open your eyes and look at me. I’m real. Look, look at your wedding ring. What does it say?” He opens his eyes and I shiver when I see his pupils almost fully dilated. 

“Wedding ring?”

“Look at your hand.” He glanced down and looked confused.  
His confusion quickly changed to anger.

“What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”

“No, Peeta, I’m your wife! Your ring says real. Because our love, it’s…it’s very real.” I couldn’t have seen it coming but Peeta’s speed still surprised me. His hand was around my throat within seconds and I gasped as his fingers tightened

“You think I’d believe anything you say to me? You think I actually believe you are real? I’m not stupid, mutt. I won’t let the Capitol win! Snow can do whatever he wants with me. I’m already dead. I died the day he killed Katniss.”

“Peeta,” I started to gasp, his fingers tightening even more. I don’t know why he didn’t use both hands, like the first time. Perhaps because my Peeta was under there, trying to stop himself. 

“Peeta, I love you. You know how much I love you. And that’s real.” I watched his eyes soften and his fingers went slack. When he realized what he had done, he jerked his hand away and stared at it as if it was a snake. His eyes returned to blue and they filled with tears.

“Katniss,” he gasped and I shook my head.

“Peeta, I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me. I’m ok.” But he continued to stare at his hand in disbelief.

“I’m a monster.”

“No you’re not! You’re my husband. Do not call my husband a monster!” Before he could stop me, I leaned in and rested my head against his sodden shirt. He hesitated for a moment before his arms came up and wrapped around me. I gripped his shirt in my fist, feeling the tears fall. He still shivered and his skin was cold. I pulled him to his feet and lead him to our closet. I stripped him of his wet clothes and tossed them aside. He stood in the middle of the closet, naked and shivering and I grabbed a towel to dry him off. He didn’t look at me, only stared at the floor with misery and pain in his eyes. I helped him into a dry pair of pajama pants and a sleep shirt and I pulled him down to kiss me. He winced but I wouldn’t let go. I lead him downstairs, where Johanna was pouring the tea. One look at us and Johanna knew what had happened. She and Peeta fell into each other’s arms and wept. I felt like the outsider, an invader on an intimate moment. So I took my cup of tea and went to sit on the couch with my feet tucked under me. I stared out the window and didn’t notice him sit down next to me. Johanna sat on my other side and she was the first to rest her head on my shoulder. Peeta set my cup aside and he rested his head in my lap. My fingers absentmindedly played with his curls as his cheek pressed against my thigh. His arms wrapped around my waist and Johanna’s arm draped over my stomach, on top of Peeta’s arm. Our vulnerability at that moment was terrifying. Three Victors, permanently tainted by the horrors of this world, struggling to hold onto the happiness that we so desperately craved and deserved. We fell asleep like that, holding one another, comforting each other in our dreams.

The next day, Johanna announced she would be staying at my old house. Peeta and I tried to protest but it was a feeble attempt. She kissed us both on the cheek and we helped her carry her bags over to my house. Peeta then took me home and dabbed a bit of medicine around my blackened eye. He kissed me tenderly and curled up in my lap again.

Since then, George has been making frequent trips just to see Johanna and hold her at night. He really is what she needs. 

Johanna says she is going to take a nap so I wave her off, thinking I will head inside and start dinner. I’m surprised to see Peeta sitting at the table, sketching. He jumps up when he sees me enter the kitchen and he hurriedly closes the sketchpad.

“Hey sweetheart, didn’t expect you home so soon. I’ll start on dinner.”

“Jo needed a nap. What are you working on?”

“Hm? Oh just…just some sketches for the wedding cake.” Something about his tone bothers me. He seems nervous. Almost frantic. He moves around the kitchen, grabbing dishes out of the cabinets.

“Peeta?”

“Hm?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just didn’t realize how hungry I was. Or how late it was. You can head upstairs to wash up and I’ll take care of this.” He’s trying to get me out of the room. And I have a feeling it has to do with whatever is in that sketchpad. I wait until he has his back turned before I snatch it up and flip it open. He turns back and drops the cup he is holding.

“No, Katniss, wait!” 

Prim. My sweet, beautiful sister decorates the page. Sketches of her face and hair, in such perfect detail that it can only be from Peeta’s hand. I look up at him and meet his wide eyes.

“What is this?” He doesn’t say anything so I flip a page. The next page has two faces that are so like Peeta’s that it’s scary. His brothers. Ryean and Bialystok. I actually stroke one of their chiseled jaw lines. Now that Peeta is older, he looks exactly like them.   
The next page shows two more faces, one of them very like Peeta’s as well. He has thinning hair and a kind smile. The drawing is not complete but there are hands right next to the head and torso, and they are men’s hands. Strong and calloused with lots of burn scars. The woman next to him has her hair in a tight bun, with a scarf pulled over her head. Her eyes are cold and piercing and there is no smile on her lips. But with further examination I can see sadness in her eyes. Maybe even loneliness. 

I look up from the pictures of Peeta’s parents and see him watching me, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. I turn the page and study it for a moment. A slender girl with long hair that seems to be blowing in the wind. Her eyes are soft and she has the hint of a smile on her face. A picture of bound hands catches my attention and I lean in to study it. One of the hands is wearing a ring and it clearly says ‘Abernathy’.   
I suck in a breath and close the book. I stare at Peeta, waiting for an explanation. He gives me none.

“Peeta,” I say softly. “Why did you draw them?” 

“The memorial,” he says, his voice low and gravely. “I knew you weren’t crazy about the idea so I started throwing some ideas around in my head. So many lives were lost but those are some of the most important to us. There’s also pictures of Finnick, Madge, Haymitch’s mother and brother, my best friend, and Rue. I wanted to tell you but…I didn’t know how you would react.” I gape at him wordlessly. How should I react? Angry that he didn’t tell me? Should I break down in tears because I miss them so much? He moves closer, though his movements are hesitant and cautious.

“Katniss?” I look up at him quickly and he takes my hand in his, his thumb raking across my knuckles. I suck in a breath as I toss the book onto the table and lower my head. Peeta stands in front of me, both my hands in his and he kisses my hair.

“I’m sorry if I upset you,” he says softly. “I wasn’t planning to let you see it until later. After I have a solid concept and design.” 

“They’re beautiful,” is all I can say. He smiles a sad smile. He opens his mouth to speak but he is cut off by the phone.

“I’ll get it,” I say hurriedly, turning away from him. I don’t miss his sad expression.   
I rush to the study and hold the phone to my ear.

“Hel--“

“Katniss! I am leaving 4 and coming to you now, if that’s alright.” Annie sounds hysterical. What has happened now?

“Annie, what’s going on?” I glance up and see Peeta in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. I mouth Annie’s name and his concerned frown deepens. 

“Finn was just playing with a few kids from outside the Village. I don’t know what was said but Finn came home, asking about his father and what were the Hunger Games.” I freeze. Finn is way too young to understand any of this! Peeta sees my fear and comes to stand next to me. His arm wraps around me and I realize I am shaking. 

“I told him to go start packing. We are going to see Uncle Peeta and Aunt Niss and Aunt Jo. He forgot all about it and ran off to pack but I’m so scared, Katniss! What will I tell him? I figured I had years before I had to figure out what to say!” I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know how to comfort her. How would I possibly explain the Games to my children? Everything that happened? I couldn’t. Another reason I can’t have them. And poor Annie. Finnick’s interview about how Snow sold his body was a topic of a lot of heated conversation all around Panem. What if that gets back to his son? I nearly drop the phone and Peeta takes it from me and puts it on speaker, so he can listen.

“It’s been so hard,” she goes on. “We have tried to make friends outside the Village but no one really talks to us. Finn invites kids to our house and he wonders why they never come. When I go into town for groceries or something, I’m like a pariah! No one will speak to me! I can’t do this anymore, Katniss! I can’t do this to my son!” 

“Then come back here,” Peeta says firmly. “We love you and District 12 can be your home. Finn has friends at the orphanage. Both of you are loved and respected around here. So come be with us. You can have Katniss’s old house and be a part of our dysfunctional family around here.” Annie lets out something between a choking gasp and a sob.

“I think you’re right, Peeta. You’re both right. I should have accepted Katniss’s invitation last year. But I was holding onto Finnick. What’s left of him.”

“As long as you keep him in your heart, he will never leave us,” Peeta says gently. “I won’t lie to you. There will come a day when you will have to tell Finn the truth. About everything. He deserves to know and he deserves to hear it from his mother, not the history books. So I won’t lie to you and tell you it will be easy and you won’t have bad days. But you’ll have us and we can help each other. That’s what family does.”

“We protect each other,” I finish for him and he looks up at me, a loving smile forming around his lips. Annie sniffles.

“You guys are right. Finn and I will bring what we can and then I’ll come back later for the rest.”

“Just have it sent here, Annie,” Peeta says dismissively. “I’ll pay whatever it costs.”

“Peeta no! You can’t do that. I’ll make several trips--“

“Annie why do you think I work at the bakery? It’s not for money, I promise you. It’s to see people happy with their morning pastries and fresh bread again. It’s for my father’s legacy. I don’t need to work. None of us do. I have more money than I know what to do with. So don’t worry about it and get yourselves to 12 already.” Annie breaks down again, sobbing into the phone.

“Oh Peeta. Katniss. You’re both too good for this world…much too good…no one deserves what you got…no one…” Peeta and I exchange troubled glances and he shifts from side to side.

“Come on Annie, wipe those tears away. Get Finn packed and we will see you soon, alright?” 

“Alright. Yes. I’ll buy our tickets now. Thank you both. I love you. Finn and I, we would be lost without you.”

“We love you, Annie,” Peeta says before he hangs up. I exhale a deep breath and Peeta wraps his arms around me.

“Do Victors ever get a happy ending?”

“Of course we do,” he replies. “We make our own happy endings. You, Katniss, are my happily ever after.” I lean up to kiss him and my hand lingers on his cheek. 

“Guess we should tell Johanna she is getting a new roommate.”   
When Jo comes over for dinner that night, Peeta quietly tells her about Annie’s phone call. A look of concern crosses over her face, until he tells her that she’s moving here. She looks stunned and drops her fork. 

“She actually agreed to it?”

“She didn’t put up much of a fight,” Peeta says with a shrug. “Katniss invited her to stay before she left in January. But apparently some of the kids started asking Finn about the Games. She just called us earlier, crying hysterically.” Johanna shakes her head.

“Annie has been so lonely there since she moved back. I mean, I stayed around for awhile but when I met George, I wasn’t around much. And I felt terrible, leaving her alone like that but she wouldn’t listen to me when I said she needed to move out of 4. I even suggested she move here to 12 before you two got married!”

“So why didn’t she?” 

“Because it’s where she and Finnick grew up. Where they met, where they fell in love. It was the only place they could be together. When Annie came home from the Games, Finnick asked her to stay at his place and she basically moved in. Her parents had died when she was seventeen, you see, so she was an orphan. Except for her brother Aiden. Aiden was…I think ten or eleven when she became a Victor? Anyway, Finnick was determined to keep Annie and Aiden safe but…well, Snow found out about Annie and Finnick…and Finnick was the Capitol’s golden boy, it wouldn’t do to have the Capitol Darling in a relationship. Snow told Finnick he couldn’t see Annie anymore…Finnick refused. During one of his ‘engagements’ in the Capitol, Aiden mysteriously drowned and Annie was taken to the Capitol for ‘protection’.” I cast a horrified glance at Peeta and see he looks just as disturbed as I do. But anger flashes in his eyes and I turn back to Johanna, who just looks saddened. 

“Snow forced Annie into the same deal as he did with Finnick. So Finnick went to Snow with a proposition. He would stay in the Capitol permanently, with only the summer months off so he could go home to 4, if Snow released Annie. Snow agreed and Annie was allowed to return to Victor’s Village. Finnick would return at the beginning of the summer and they would spend every day together. The summer was their time. At the end of August, Finnick would go back to the Capitol. Annie begged and begged for him to just let her come with him but he refused. I can’t remember exactly when Snow broke his promise but he sold Annie one night and it didn’t go so well. Apparently rich assholes don’t want mad Victors. Annie was sent back, abused and with very low reviews. Snow was angry that he was losing money on a Victor and threatened to have her killed. So Finnck stepped in and did something that astounded Snow. He bought her.”

“Come again,” Peeta repeated, looking horrified. Johanna nodded sadly.

“He never told me how much. But he offered Snow a huge sum of money if Finnick could keep Annie with him. And I mean, the starting rate for an hour with Finnick was approximately ten-thousand. I can’t begin to imagine how much he paid for Annie. I don’t think she ever found out. She wondered why Snow all of a sudden just let her stay with Finnick in his hotel room with him but he never told her.” I feel sick. Peeta’s hand is resting on the table and I reach over and squeeze it. He glances at me but looks back to Johanna, our hands resting on his knee.

“So Annie never found out then? Did Snow ever break his promise again?”

“As far as I know, Finnick’s bribe worked. They returned to 4 for the summer and Annie would be his escort for parties and such when they came to the Capitol. Since she was a Victor, she was still pretty popular. After I won, Annie stopped appearing by Finnick’s side all the time. Finnick made excuses for her, said she was tired, wasn’t feeling well but we knew Snow had sent her back to 4. Since I was the new and upcoming Victor, Finnick and I were forced together a lot.” My jaw drops.

“You and Finnick?!”

“Wasn’t by choice,” she grumbles. “The man is completely selfish in bed. But we both had other people on our minds and that’s how you get through it. Think of that person.” Peeta’s hand tightens around mine and I know what he is thinking. If that had happened to us. Would they have kept us together or sold us separately? We were the star-crossed lovers of District 12, after all. Snow forced us to get engaged. Would he have actually sold us to the highest bidder and forced us to be unfaithful? Johanna leans back in her chair and sighs, crossing her arms over her chest. She answers our unspoken question.

“You two lucked out. I mean, if the Quell hadn’t happened and all that. But we were told that you two were the next big thing on the menu because you would be bought together. Think you have Haymitch to thank for that, to be honest. He refused to allow someone to purchase you separately. Your wedding night was going to be the biggest top-dollar event of all time.” I push my chair back and run to the sink, dry-heaving. Peeta is at my side in an instant, his hands on my back and smoothing back my hair. I rest my forehead on the cold counter and groan. Peeta leans in and holds me, his other hand making comforting patterns on my back. Johanna pushes her chair back and sighs.

“I didn’t mean to make tonight “let’s fuck everyone up” night. I’ll head out. Thanks for dinner.”

“Jo, you don’t have to go,” Peeta says in a strained voice. Johanna chuckles behind me.

“Think I’ve done enough damage for one night. I’ll see you all in the morning. Mind if I come with you to get Annie and Finn from the station?”

“Yeah, of-of course.” I hear the door slam and Peeta turns his attention to me.

“Hey, breathe,” he says softly in my ear. “Deep breaths. Katniss, stay with me. Stay with me, sweetheart.”

“Peeta,” I choke out, between gasping breaths. I try to concentrate on the feel of his hand on my back and I close my eyes. 

“Think of your woods. Your calming woods. Your special spot by the river. It’s calming and peaceful. I’m holding you, safe in my arms. Feel my heartbeat under your ear? It’s beating for you. Always for you.” I do feel his heartbeat and realize he has pulled us onto the floor and I am resting my head on his chest. His arms encircle me, and his chin rests on my head.

“You’re doing great. Just continue to breathe. I’m right here. I’ll always be right here.”   
“mm ok,” I say into his shirt. He lowers his arms and I sit up. His hands stroke my face and he pushes my hair out of my eyes. I take a deep breath and open my eyes.

“What just happened?”

“You were having a panic attack,” he explains. “You were hyperventilating and shaking. I just had to calm you down. How do you feel now?”

“Ok. Relaxed.” He nods and kisses my forehead.

“Good. Come on, let’s go to bed.” He rises to his feet and pulls me up the stairs. Once in our room, he goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed. He comes back , wearing just his black boxer briefs, and I haven’t moved. He cocks his head and studies me.

“You ok?” 

“Yeah. My turn.” I shuffle into the bathroom and brush my teeth. I peer into the mirror and shudder. My eyes are red and my hair looks frizzy and unkempt. I quickly braid it to one side and strip off my jeans, shirt, and bra. In just a pair of orange lace underwear, I pull on my robe and open the bathroom door.   
Peeta is lying on top of the covers, reading, and he glances up when I walk out. He quirks a brow and has a bemused expression.

“I don’t think I’m relaxed enough,” I say softly and I see him fighting a grin.

“Oh yeah? What would help with that, do you think?” I shrug.

“Maybe one of those famous Mellark massages.” He chuckles and sets his book on the bedside table.

“Let me prepare for you, Madame.” He jumps to his feet and straightens out the blankets. He reaches into the drawer and pulls out some kind of scented oil he has used on me once. It’s extremely relaxing and smells like peppermint. He sets it on the nightstand, then crosses to me. His hand goes to the sash around my waist and he tugs at it.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he whispers huskily. He pulls the sash and opens the robe, sucking in a breath when he sees how little I am wearing underneath. His eyes widen and darken and he tosses the robe aside. Two years together and I love that I still make him feel like this. I lie down on my stomach and feel him move beside me. The oil is cold on my skin but his hands are warm as they massage and knead my flesh. He leans in and I feel his lips on my neck and I moan into the pillow. His hands are gentle as they travel up and down my spine, down to massage my cheeks, and back up my back again. I release a little whimper and I can feel his smile against my neck. Peeta’s hands are one of my favorite things about him. I’ve known he can give great massages but right now, relaxed is the opposite of what I feel. I’m hungry for him. Ravenous, actually. I rub my thighs together, feeling a discomfort forming. Peeta notices and lets out a light chuckle. His hands linger on my ass and I gasp as I feel his fingers slide down, rubbing over my covered folds. I’m rubbing myself against the sheets like a cat in heat and I have no shame. Peeta leans down and grips my hips.

“Stop that,” he admonishes. “That’s my job. And I want you dripping by the time I get there.” I gasp at his words and he continues to massage my shoulders, all the way down to my feet. I feel his breath on my thighs and his tongue move over my underwear as his hands push up my back. My head shoots up as I rub back and forth on the bed. 

“I told you to stop it, Katniss,” he growls. “Next time I will spank you.” Ohhh god, what is this man doing to me? His hands squeeze at my calves, my thighs, my ass and then he is stroking me in just the right place. But when his hands pull away, I let out a whimper and unconsciously rub my legs together. I hear it before I feel it. His palm meets my ass, and I am sure it would be worse if I had nothing on. As if he knows what I am thinking, and he probably does, he pulls my panties down my legs and spreads me wide. He spanks me twice more and his palm rubs across the stinging skin. His lips come next and I moan and quiver underneath him. With my underwear gone, I notice how the sheets are getting damper underneath me.

“Turn over.” I wince as my stinging cheeks come into contact with the sheets but he flips me over and spreads my legs slightly. I close my eyes and tilt my chin up, shaking with anticipation. He starts at my feet and makes his way up my stomach. He pours the oil on my breasts and my pelvis and his palms spread it all over. His hands lightly cross over my breasts and I thrust up into his hands. He leans down and kisses my neck, tugging at my earlobe with his teeth. I whimper again and his tongue outlines the shell of my ear.

“How wet are you for me right now, Katniss?” I squirm at just his voice but I don’t answer. Peeta is the one with words, not me. I’m not great at dirty talk. I start blushing like crazy but I think that just encourages him even more. I cry out as his thumb presses right against my clit.

“Tell me, Katniss. How wet are you?”

“So wet, Peeta,” I whisper.

“Mmm, yes you are. I’d say you’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” He trails one finger down my center before he pulls away.

“I…I am.” He moves over me and kisses his way up from my feet to my breasts. He licks around my nipples, never giving me relief. I squirm underneath him, uncaring of the consequences.

“Unng… Peeta!” 

“Tell me what you want, Katniss,” I feel his breath on my skin and I shiver at the delicious sensations. My husband looks up at me, his lips tracing over my hardened nipple. 

“Tell me,” he says again. I bite my lip and he watches me, his eyes darkening.

“I…I want you to put your mouth on me.” 

“Mmmk. Right here?” He plants a gentle kiss below my bellybutton and I shake my head.

“Not the right spot? Perhaps here?” He lifts my leg to kiss my thigh and I huff.

“Peeta--“

“Still not getting it right? You need to use your words, Katniss. Tell me.” I bite my lip again, which I know is driving him crazy. But Peeta is the one who uses his words to paint pictures and to turn me into a quivering mess with the sound of his voice. He can spark a revolution and make hundreds of girls fall in love with him. And those lips…my god, those lips that I can never get enough of! Lips that I will claim as mine.  
I look down at him and see him waiting with his brow quirked high.

“I want you to use your tongue on me,” I say softly. “I want…your mouth on my…on…”

“You want me to put my mouth on your hot pussy,” he breathes and I sink back into the bed just from his words. He leans up to kiss me, his arms trapping me on both sides. He breaks the kiss and stares down at me. His eyes are darkened with lust but I rather love the shade of blue his eyes go.

“Is that what you want, Katniss? Tell me.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?” I swallow.

“Yes I want you to put your mouth on my…on my pussy.”

“I want that too,” he says in a deep voice. “I want to feel you come all over my mouth, I want to taste and devour you and finally when you are nothing but a quivering mess on the sheets, I want to fuck you nice and slow. I want to hear you whimpering my name the whole time.” My teeth close over my lip and I see his eyes dart to it immediately. I can hear my heart racing and I know he must hear it too.

“Would you like that, Katniss? Is that what you want?”

“Yes Peeta.” He lowers himself over me and kisses me slowly, easing my mouth open for him to explore. His fingertips rake across my lips and he slowly sticks two of his fingers past my lips. I suck as hard as I can, smirking when I see his eyes darken a whole other shade. He rises up, using his strong arm to support him while his other slinks its way down my body and between my legs. His fingers press against my clit before they sink into me. My eyes roll to the back of my head at the pleasure and I sink deeper into the bed. Peeta kisses his way down my body, leaving small purple bruises on my breasts and thighs. I can’t fault him for it. I claim him this way too. This way the world knows I am his and he is mine. 

I glance up to see his fair head nestled between my thighs and his fingers spread me wide so he can flick his tongue up and down. He takes my clit between his teeth and sucks hard and I let out whimpers and curses. My legs start to close and he lets out a growl as he holds them open, continuing his attack with his mouth. I jerk my hips upward and grind against him, my back arching off the bed.

“Nnnng, Peeta! My GOD, Peeta!” He looks up at me and the pleased look in his eyes sends me over the edge. I come, screaming his name to the room and he lets me ride out my orgasm before he pulls away. He leans down to kiss me and he uses his hand to guide himself inside me. We both moan as he bucks his hips forward and buries himself fully. I feel complete when we are like this. I’d be content if we stayed like this for the rest of our lives. Several thrusts and he has me building again. He pulls out and sits back on his knees. 

“Turn over,” he whispers huskily and I scramble to my feet. I kneel in front of him and he pushes me to my hands and knees. His hands grip my waist as I feel his hot breath on my backside and I jerk involuntarily. His palm leaves several red marks on my cheeks before he leans in and his tongue travels up and down, thrusting inside me. 

“Ohhhh god,” I stammer, my face buried in the blanket. Peeta moans against me and his fingernails dig into my thighs. He leans back and I feel his fingers rubbing against me, thrusting in and out slowly. His pinky finger moves up a little ways and slowly pushes in where his tongue just was. I flinch and he withdraws immediately but I shake my head.

“I’m fine.” I glance over my shoulder at him and our eyes meet as he pushes his finger back in. At the same time, he pushes his index and middle fingers through my folds and I moan as I am completely filled. His eyes are wide and dark.

“Katniss you are so fucking perfect,” he growls. His hand increases in pace and I gasp. This is new to both of us. He pulls his hand away and I feel his tongue on my folds again and my legs start to shake. His tongue is replaced by his cock and I grip the pillows with both hands. Peeta takes my braid and wraps it around his hand, tugging upwards. When he leans in to cover me with his body, he hits a spot inside me that I didn’t know existed and I let out a shrill scream. Likewise, I hear him grunt and groan as he starts slamming against me, his sac hitting me just right. With a shaking arm, I reach back and massage it with my palm and he lets out a stream of curses. He stills and I feel him pulsing deep inside me. He pulls out, flips me over, and leans down to kiss me. I am so close and I tentatively reach down to finish myself off, though I would much rather Peeta help. Instead, he pushes my hand out of the way and slaps his cock against my center a few times before thrusting back inside. He doesn’t move right away, but rubs his fingers across my clit and slowly pushes in and out. The feel of it all combined pushes me over the edge and I jerk upwards, grinding against him. He moans as he feels me clench around him and he rubs a few more times before pulling out. He collapses beside me, our breathing heavy and irregular. 

“Holy…fucking…hell,” he manages to get out, his sweaty arms wrapped around me. I let out a “mmm” in agreement, snuggling up to him.

“That was a lovely massage.” A low chuckle in his throat shakes me and he shakes his head.

“Guess that was my fault.”

“What was,” I ask, already feeling sleep tug at me. He kisses my forehead and strokes my damp hair.

“The oil I used on you. It has calming elements but also awakes the senses. It’s an aphrodisiac, Katniss.” It takes me a moment but I turn over to glare at him, my jaw hanging wide open. He throws his head back and laughs, leaning down to kiss me.

“Are you really complaining?”

“You seduced me,” I say accusingly. “You bought that oil…to make me…Peeta!” 

“You should know by now what touching your naked body does to me. And again, I ask, are you really complaining?”

“Hmm,” I mutter, settling back down and he rests his chin on my shoulder.  
I feel sweaty and register the filthy sheets underneath us but neither of us have the strength to move. We fall asleep just like that, his softened length resting against my backside. 

\-------------------

Despite our incredible lovemaking, the horrors I face that night are worse than I’ve had in a long time. I keep seeing Peeta and I forced to come together for the sick pleasure of the Capitol, then Finnick and Johanna are added to the dreams. After one particularly terrible one in which Finnick and Peeta are together while I am forced to watch and Johanna stands over us with a whip in her hands, I wake up sweating and pull away from his grasp to take a bath. 

I guess I fall asleep in the bathtub so it’s a good thing the water isn’t that deep. My nightmare is the worst. Peeta chained to the wall, watching the guards rape Johanna and Annie, then the girl who looks like me is brought in and rapes Peeta while he screams for me to stop. He keeps screaming my name and I squeeze my eyes shut, tears streaming down my face. I feel his hands on my face and they gently slap my cheeks. My eyes shoot open to find him kneeling beside the tub and he looks panic-stricken.

“Damn it Katniss, don’t ever do that again!” He pulls my head to his chest and my arms wrap around him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I had fallen asleep.”

“Well you were yelling my name pretty loudly,” he sniffles. “It’s what woke me up and I realized you were gone. I panicked when I found you in here, drowning.”

“I’m ok,” I assure him. “I wasn’t…drowning. Just had a nightmare.” He shakes his head and hands me a towel.

“Let’s go back to bed.” I dry off and follow him and take the clean pair of panties he hands me. Pulling them on, I notice he has changed the sheets and I fall down beside him, exhausted. But the nightmares don’t let up. It’s an exhausting night for both of us, me screaming his name out as I watch the guards violate him and him rocking me back and forth, soothing me as best he can.


	72. Chapter 72

We haven’t had a night this bad in awhile. She refuses to talk about her nightmares but I have a pretty good guess what they are about. Johanna’s statement about us being sold made me pretty sick too. But it seemed to really affect Katniss. Maybe because she is so naïve. I knew a long time ago that it could happen. Haymitch had warned me and I told him I would never let anyone else touch her. He had assured me that he and Effie had taken certain measures to ensure that that wouldn’t happen.

“But you’ve protected her all your life kid,” he told me once. “And you’d better keep it up. You keep on protecting her. You two are the Capitol’s new darlings and everyone wants to see the star-crossed lovers in love. You realize what I’m saying, don’t you?” 

I wasn’t stupid. I knew we were to be sold like the rest of the Victors. And it should have comforted me that Katniss and I would be sold together but it didn’t. I couldn’t imagine doing that to her. I knew she didn’t want me like that. And despite my fears about her and Gale, I had a feeling that she was pretty innocent. Why would the Capitol want to watch a couple of kids who had no idea what they were doing? 

Last night, I heard Katniss screaming my name from the bathroom. I found her crying and tossing her head about in the water. “Leave him alone” and “Peeta, it’s not me, I’m right here, it’s not me” was coming from her mouth and I remember telling her about what they did to me one night with the girl who looked like her. Somehow I knew she was dreaming about that. I chanted her name and slapped her until she woke up and still she continued to shake and whimper in my arms all night.

We both wake up with dark circles under our eyes.

We’re quiet as we dress to go get Annie and Finn from the train station. Johanna is silent when she joins us and I wonder if she suffered from the same nightmares. Of course, I know she still suffers from them. Hell we all do. But at least Johanna and I share that similarity. We know what happened to the other in the Capitol. We know what they did to Annie. And we will probably never be able to speak of it.  
Katniss’s hand finds mine as we walk and I squeeze it gratefully. We hurry through town and nod as people call out to us.

Annie looks thin and pale but Finn runs into my arms and it brings a smile to Annie’s face. Johanna and Katniss walk ahead with Annie while I lift Finn over my head and carry him on my shoulders. I grab what bags they brought with them and the girls take the rest. Finn chatters happily from my shoulders and I grin up at the boy. I’m excited that Annie decided to stay in 12. Saying goodbye gets harder and harder each time they leave and I have really fallen in love with this little boy. I love watching him with his “auntie Niss” too. She treats him like she’s always treated Lara. Something to be cherished and adored. 

“You’re bunking with me,” Johanna says as we near Victor’s Village. “I’m just staying here until the wedding. Then you’ll have the place to yourself.”

“Johanna you know I don’t mind,” Annie says sweetly, following Johanna inside. We set the bags down and I put Finn down as well. He immediately runs to Katniss and she scoops him up, laughing.

“How’s my little guy doing,” she says while she kisses both his cheeks.

“I’m surprised he is still awake,” Annie says, stifling a yawn. “He didn’t sleep on the train at all.”

“Nor did you it seems,” I say softly. Annie yawns again and nods.

“Why don’t you two get some rest? Katniss and I were just going into town to see if my dress has arrived yet.” 

“Are you sure?” she tries to stifle another yawn and we chuckle.

“Yes, I’m sure. We can go have lunch at Peeta’s bakery in a little while.” I nod, agreeing with Johanna and Annie nods.

“Ok, that sounds great. Come on Finny, let’s go lie down.”

“But I don’t…wanna,” Finn protests through a yawn. I laugh and ruffle his curls.

“Listen to your mama, buddy.” He yawns again and Annie picks him up.

“We’ll see you guys in a little while.” Annie carries him upstairs and I glance at the clock above the stairs.

“Guess I’d better get going. See you guys about noon?” 

“Make it 12:30 so we can avoid the lunch rush. I want you to be able to sit down and eat with us,” Katniss says, leaning up to kiss me. 

“OK,” I agree, kissing her deeply and hearing Johanna huff beside me. I turn to glare at her and Katniss sticks her tongue out.

“You and George are far worse than we are when you’re together.”

“Yes but he’s not here! Doing that in front of an engaged woman is just plain mean.”

“We’re married,” I remind her. “I have no shame.”

“You’re an ass, Mellark. And your wife isn’t much better.” Both Katniss and I smirk at her and I drag her outside and pull her into my arms. Katniss laughs.

“She can still see us, you know that right?”

“Don’t care,” I whisper as I claim her lips with my own and my hand reaches down to squeeze her through her jeans. She squeals into my mouth and I grin as I pull away.

“You are an ass,” she scowls and laughing, I turn to walk to work. 

 

Lunch with the girls is really pleasant by the end of it, I notice Riley has developed something of a crush on Annie. He kept coming out to the porch to serve us and kept asking her if he could get her anything else. Johanna and Katniss found it amusing but I’m not sure what to think. Should Annie think about dating again? Can she, after losing Finnick? And what would Finn say to another man in his life? I clear my throat as I hurriedly clear the table and rush back inside.

“Oh Peeta,” Riley says, fumbling with the tray he holds. “I was just bringing dessert.”

“Thanks Riley. I’ve got it. Why don’t you go help Rory with the wedding cake he’s working on?” Riley nods sadly and goes back to the kitchen. Sighing, I carry the tray of desserts out and Johanna groans.

“I won’t be able to fit into my dress, bread boy!”

“No one is forcing you to eat, Johanna,” Annie says delicately. 

“What do you expect me to do when you put a plate of sweets in front of me,” Johanna exclaims, grabbing a pastry. I laugh and pass the plate around. Johanna shakes her head.

“How are you still so skinny when you’re married to a baker,”

“Give me a break, Jo, I grew up in 12 with no food. I mean…not a lot to eat,” Katniss amends her statement but it still makes my heart ache. 

“Well, I’m sure your baker boy is doing everything he can to fix that,” Jo scoffs. 

“Yes, he likes to fatten me up,” Katniss says with a smile. I squeeze her shoulders and lean in to kiss her cheek. 

“Blegh, gag me.” Annie glares at Johanna.

“You’re getting married soon. Can you still say things like that?” Johanna shrugs.

“My therapist says I should never censor anything anymore.”

“Oh because you were so censored before,” I say with a snort. Johanna makes a very rude hand gesture and Annie gasps.

“Johanna! My child is watching you!” To prove her point, Finn giggles and repeats the gesture. Katniss snorts.

“Great role model, Johanna.” Annie rolls her eyes and gently slaps Finn’s little hand.

“You do not do that again, you hear me? That’s very bad.”

“But Auntie Jo did it!”

“Auntie Jo is very bad,” Annie says sternly. Johanna giggles and offers me her hand.

“Here Uncle Peeta, punish me too.” I roll my eyes and slap the back of her hand.

“Ouch! Damn Peeta, you didn’t have to hit so hard!”

“Johanna! Do you mind?” Annie huffs and covers Finn’s ears. Katniss can’t stop laughing. 

“I hope you have a little girl who is just like you,” Annie says, her eyes narrowing. Johanna’s laughter ceases.

“Who says I’m having kids?” 

“I know George wants them,” Annie shrugs. “Why wouldn’t you?”

“How about the fact that I would make a terrible mother,” Johanna snorts, shaking her head. I glance at Katniss and see she looks surprised.

“I think you would make a great mother, Jo,” she says softly.

“Yeah, well, I think you would too,” Johanna replies and I bite my lip as I see Katniss’s face fall. 

“Is this some kind of competition,” I say in a higher voice than usual. I clear my throat. “Let’s just agree that all three women here would be outstanding mothers. And we’ll leave it at that.” They all fall silent and I sigh, lifting my water to drain. Finn reaches over and brings Katniss’s hand to his face. He brings Johanna’s to his other cheek and he smiles.

“I love all my mommies.” I see Johanna, Annie, and Katniss all lose color in their faces. At the same time, all three women have very teary eyes and I continue drinking my water, staying silent. 

“You aunts love you, Finny,” Johanna says, leaning down to kiss the boy’s cheek. Katniss nods.

“So much. You and mommy mean so much to us.” Finn just grins, having no idea how big of a can of worms he opened today. 

After lunch, Johanna mentions dress shopping to Annie and Annie looks wistful. 

“I would love to see it.”

“Why don’t you take her to see it,” Katniss says, ruffling Finn’s hair. “I’ll watch Finn.”

“I really need both my girls. We need to find you both dresses.”

“How about you girls go into town and I will watch Finn,” I suggest. Annie looks surprised.

“Peeta, are you sure? A baby at the bakery--“

“I’m no baby mama,” Finn protests and I grin. 

“He’s right. He’s no baby. Finn can help his Uncle Peeta out, can’t you buddy?” He cheers and throws his spoon off the porch. Annie stifles a laugh.

“If you’re positive--“

“I am. Go have a girl’s day. It’s been awhile since any of you have had one of those.” Annie shivers with excitement and even Katniss and Johanna have large grins on their faces.

“We should visit that new spa,” Johanna says. “Get our nails done. And you girls have to help me with the wedding lingerie!” 

“Ok, that’s my cue to leave,” I say hurriedly and the three women giggle at my flushed face. 

“We call Katniss pure but look at Peeta,” Johanna chuckles. “He’s redder than a cherry.” 

“Maybe I just don’t want to think about one of my best friends in…that.” 

“Think about your wife in it, then,” she says with a wicked smile. I glare at her and see Katniss looking at me with those silver eyes. The look in her eyes is one that she gets when she drags me up to our bedroom and I let her have her way with me. I gulp.

“I should get back to work. Finn, let’s go meet the rest of my team.” Finn jumps up and I lift him on my shoulders as I lift the tray of plates and carry it back inside. I can hear the girls giggling behind me.

“Seriously, what did he say when he saw you in Cinna’s lingerie?”

“Johanna! None of your business!”

“Oh come on! I bet it was good. Did he--“

“Jo, I’m not telling you anything about our intimate life. Stuff it.” 

“You’re no fun.” I shake my head and carry Finn inside the bakery. The girls come inside and say goodbye to everyone. Katniss leans over the counter to kiss me. What starts out as a sweet chaste kiss quickly deepens into something more heated and I have to pull away. She bites her bottom lip, smirking, and my eyes narrow.

“Get out of here you little minx,” I mutter in a low voice. She laughs and turns around, her hips swaying and her long braid nearly hitting me in the face. She blows me a kiss through the window and the girls disappear. I shake my head as I take Finn back to the kitchen to meet everyone. 

Everyone takes to him immediately. Cora is just in love with him and can’t stop ruffling his bronze curls. Branelle keeps sneaking him cookies and I have to sternly tell her to stop or he won’t be hungry for dinner later. 

The bakery is a complete mess by the end of the day and Rory good-naturedly offers to stay a little longer to clean up. Finn offers to help too but winds up making it worse. I ask him to wait in my office and give him some crayons and some paper to pass the time. When we have everything cleaned up and completed, I lift Finn on my shoulders again and lock up the bakery behind us. He asks if we can stop by and ‘see the horsies’ so I carry him down to Colton’s stable, where there are several horses trotting around the corral. A brown horse whinnies when it sees us and Finn claps excitedly. I set him on the ground and hold his hand.

“Star!” A face peeks out from the stall and breaks into a smile.

“Why Finn, how you doing buddy?”

“Colt,” Finn cries excitedly and Colton laughs as he walks toward us.

“Sorry about this, Colton. Little guy really wanted to see you and the horses.”

“No harm done, Peeta. It’s great to see this little one again. Hey Finn, you want to come say hi to Star? She’s missed you!” Finn claps and with a questioning look at me, Colton takes his hand and leads him into the corral. I walk closer to the fence and grin when Star nuzzles Finn’s hair. 

“She sure likes you, buddy, “ I call out.

“I love her too,” Finn says, clapping again. Colton laughs and lifts him up to pet Star’s neck. These two boys, so torn by tragedy, look so happy and carefree right now. Colton glances at me over his shoulder.

“You the babysitter today, Peeta?”

“I am. The girls are dress shopping for Johanna’s wedding. But we should probably get home and start on dinner. Finn, can you say goodbye?”

“Not yet, Uncle Peeta,” the boy whines. I have to smile. He reminds me so much of Finnick.

“Come on, bud. Your mom and aunts will be home soon. You wanna go see Auntie Niss? And Auntie Jojo?” Finn takes off toward me, limping a little on his bad leg. I sweep him up and perch him on my shoulders again. I should let him walk and get used to it but I can’t stand to see the kid in pain. Especially since I was the one who agreed to let the doctors take his leg.

“Thanks again, Colton. We’ll see you soon!”

“Stop by anytime, Peeta. Bye Finn!” 

We enter Victor’s Village and I see all three women on the porch. I’m surprised to see Effie in the middle of the circle and she’s positively glowing. Uh oh. 

“Oh Peeta, you must see what Haymitch bought for me!” She holds out her hand and I see a sparkling gold bracelet, inlaid with diamonds and pearls. It’s lovely, really, and perfect for Effie. I was so expecting her to show me a ring and from the look that Katniss gives me, I think she expected the same. 

“That’s beautiful, Effie,” I nod. 

“Oh thank you, my dear, I thought so too. He really is wonderful when he doesn’t have a drink in his hand.” Katniss makes a face and I bite my lip to keep from laughing.

“Anyway, I must be going. We’re having dinner at that new restaurant that just opened up. Take care my darlings.” She hugs the girls (Johanna makes a face behind her back) and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“So, did you girls have a good time today?”

“Oh darling, do check out my perfect nails,” Johanna says in a Capitol accent and Annie and Katniss shriek with laugher. 

“You girls be nice. I’m really happy for her. Happy for them both actually.”

“I am too,” Katniss says immediately. “And yes we had a good time. What about you?”

“Oh Finn is on his way to becoming a fine little baker,” I wink at Finn, who has his arms around his mother’s legs. 

“Mmmhm, and I’m sure your kitchen is just covered with flour,” Annie says disapprovingly.

“Not anymore it’s not,” I say with a smile.

“Alright, I’m exhausted. Night everyone,” Johanna yawns and turns to go across the lawn. Annie nods.

“I second that. Thanks again, Peeta. Good night Katniss.”

“Night,” we call, watching Annie and Finn follow Johanna. 

“You hungry?” I ask as we make our way into the house.

“Oh, we actually ate in town,” Katniss says looking apologetic.

“That’s ok, I’ll just whip myself something up real quick,” I shrug, checking the fridge for something fast. Katniss leans up to kiss my cheek and says she is going to take a shower. I quickly make a sandwich and carry it upstairs. She’s left the bathroom door open and I grin as I toss my clothes aside. She’s humming to herself and doesn’t notice me until I pull the curtain back.

“Damn it Peeta, don’t scare me like that!” 

“I love this new prosthetic,” I chuckle. “So light and quiet.”

“Don’t ever sneak up on me in the woods,” she says sharply as she tilts her head back under the water. “I could put an arrow through your chest.”

“You think I’m that much of an idiot to sneak up on you while you’re hunting? Jeez Katniss, give me a little more credit than that.” She leans in and shakes her head and my hands fly up in front of my face to block the shower she is giving me.

“You are covered in flour,” she says laughing, tugging at my curls which are now white from the flour and sugar. 

“Finn thought it would be more fun to throw it rather than mix it into the cake.” She laughs again and wraps her arms around my neck. My hands rest on her hips, slowly traveling up and down and I let out a sigh at the feel of her warm, wet skin underneath my fingers. 

“You really are wonderful with him,” she says quietly. “I know Annie appreciates it. She really needed today.”

“I’m glad I could help,” I say honestly. “I think all of you girls needed that.” 

“I guess I kind of did. This wedding planning is exhausting and I feel like I just finished with Delly’s and jumped straight into Johanna’s.”

“That’s because you did. I feel like I haven’t seen you in months.” She quirks a brow at me.

“You sleep beside me every night.”

“Not the same and you know it.” 

“Hmmm,” she says softly, as her hand moves down my side, teasing my thigh before she grasps me in her hand. I gasp against her lips and she leans back a little, teasing me to no end with light strokes and the faintest of caresses. 

“Katniss,” I say through gritted teeth. She pushes me into the wall and I yelp at the cold tile on my back. But I don’t have time to protest. Her tongue is on me and I am incoherent. She pushes my cock against my stomach so she can suck at my balls and my knees shake, my hand scrabbling against the wall, desperate for something to hold onto. My hands bury themselves in her dark hair, my nails scratching her scalp as I hold her hair out of the way. Her eyes bore into mine as she takes me into her mouth and she hollows out her cheeks.

“Fuck, Katniss,” I hiss, my chin resting on my chest. I keep my eyes open and connected with hers. She releases me and slowly crawls up my body, bringing me down to her to kiss her. Her breasts rub against my aching cock and I moan into her mouth. She moves up and down and breaks our kisses to push her breasts together and move over me.

Holy shit! Oh my god, she is jerking me off with her breasts! My eyes widen, my jaw has gone slack, and I lose it when she puts her mouth on me again. I cry out of her name, warning her I am so close but she takes me even deeper and I am gone. She lets me fall from her mouth as I lean against the wall, panting, my stomach jerking every time she breathes. She plants little kisses on my stomach as she rises to her feet.

“I…I gotta…get out,” I manage to gasp out and I stumble out of the tub. She giggles behind me as I wrap a towel around my waist and go to our closet to find clothes. I’d never heard Katniss giggle in my life. Before we were Reaped, I rarely heard her laugh. It makes my heart race to hear that sound now.

Only when I realize I am trying to pull on one of her nightgowns do I sit down and give my head some time to catch up. I hear the shower turn off and I stand up, finally having caught my breath. Now it’s her turn to be breathless and incoherent. 

I enter the bathroom to find her standing in front of the mirror, spreading the healing salve over her stomach. She looks surprised when I reappear and opens her mouth to speak but I don’t give her the chance. I whirl her around and capture her lips and feel her knees buckle. I hoist her onto the sink and throw the towel aside. Gripping her thighs, I pull her closer to the edge and bury my face between her legs, one of my favorite places in the world. She lets out a scream as I attack her clit with my tongue. No teasing tonight. I want her to come fast and hard. I plunge two fingers inside her and curve them slightly, feeling her shake underneath me. Her fingers tug at my curls but I don’t slow down. In fact, my fingers and tongue are moving so fast that she is banging against the mirror. Neither of us care. I pull my head back to watch her as I rub fast and hard. Her legs shake and her hips jerk up off the counter as she screams my name. I jump to my feet and grab her into my arms. Fuck leverage. I don’t need it. I hold her up with one hand while my other helps guide myself inside her. My arms go underneath her legs and she wraps her feet around my back. Thank god for all those years of carting around huge sacks of flour. My arms are shaking but I could care less. I know I’ll be sore tomorrow but this is the best damn work out I could ever have. Katniss’s fingers rip at my hair and I look up at her, her head thrown back, her breasts bouncing in my face. I try to take one into my mouth but the way we are moving makes it impossible.

“Peeeeeeeta,” she moans loud and long. I smile, bucking my hips and increasing my thrusts. 

“Yes! YES!”

“Katniss! Oh my GOD!” I set her back on the counter and continue to plunge in and out. I hold her legs open by her ankles and her newly manicured nails scratch at my arms. My fingers find her clit and I start rubbing again. We’re screaming each other’s names and the loud grunts and moans coming from us would make anyone blush. You want to know the truth? I honestly don’t care. Too long have I longed for this girl. For this moment. For those whimpers and moans with my name dripping from her lips. I make her come again and she screams my name again, clenching around me for several minutes until I explode inside her. Exhausted we fall into bed without even dressing and it’s not until I’m almost asleep that she says shyly we will have to shower again. I chuckle as I pull her closer, falling asleep to the sound of her breathing and the smell of lavender and pine.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There’s a knock at my door and I pause in straightening my tie. It’s probably Johanna again. For someone who was so adamant on keeping me from seeing my bride on the morning of my wedding, she has been sneaking over here to try to see George before their wedding in a few hours. I roll my eyes and yank the door open. Katniss grins up at me, and pushes past me into our bedroom before I can say anything. She’s still just wearing a robe but her hair and make-up are flawless, done by Effie. 

“Is there some kind of rule about seeing the bridesmaid before the wedding?”

“I don’t think so. And even so, Johanna is breaking her own rules as we speak. She and George are next door.” I huff and roll my eyes and she smiles as she searches her jewelry box. She selects a pair of gold hoops that I bought her for her birthday. The tiny pearls seem to glow in the morning light. 

“You look beautiful,” I say softly as I stand behind her. Her eyes catch mine in the mirror and she smiles as she puts on her earrings. They match perfectly with the necklace she is wearing. When I take a closer look, I see that the gold chain has three symbols on it, a tree, a fish, and an arrow. Johanna’s gifts to her bridesmaids it seems.

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” she says as her eyes appraise me. “I do love that tie on you.”

“Really? I thought you just loved to take it off,” I smirk, recalling the last time I wore it. In April, Paylor made a visit to 12 to talk about the plans for the memorial. She had invited Katniss, Haymitch, Annie, Johanna, and myself to a fancy luncheon at one of the newest restaurants. The girls all looked beautiful and even Haymitch had dressed for the occasion. Whether it was just the tie or because she was quite emotional during the luncheon, the moment we were back in our house, Katniss had pounced on me and practically tore my clothes off with her teeth. I wound up tying her to the bed with that tie and we had REALLY intense sex that night. Mind-blowing to say the least. She seems to be remembering it too as she fingers my tie and her hands creep up to neatly-styled curls. 

“Ah, Katniss, watch the hair!” 

“We should have a recap of that night later on,” she purrs. “Johanna thinks she and George can outsex us.”

“Outsex us,” I repeat, snorting at the ridiculousness of it all. Women. Honestly. 

“Hmm. Fine then. I can see my efforts to seduce you are all for naught.” She turns away and starts to leave when I grab her arm and whirl her around.

“I didn’t say that,” I growl, my hand slipping under her robe to find her only wearing a pair of underwear. I yank the robe off and throw it aside before I push her down on the bed.

“Just don’t mess up my hair,” she says with glittering eyes and a wicked smirk.


	73. Chapter 73

After Peeta’s and my tryst in the bedroom, I hurry back to my old house where Annie, Effie, and Johanna are getting ready. Johanna glares at me when I return but Effie just sighs and fixes my curls again. Jo corners me as I start to go upstairs, her manicured nails closing around my waist.

“You had sex on my wedding day!”

“And?” I challenge her. Her eyes seem to bug out.

“That’s something…only I would do! What is happening to you little mockingjay?” I shrug.

“I guess I’m finally spreading my wings.” I smirk at her expression and flounce up the stairs to where my dress is laid out on the bed.   
Since Johanna is from District 7, I had suggested she get married in my woods. She seemed hesitant at first, sensing this was my place and she didn’t want to intrude. But with Thom and Brent’s help, as well as a construction crew, we managed to make it a beautiful location without going too far in. Brent finally had the fence removed too. Strange after all these years of slipping underneath, how easy it is to just walk through the meadow and straight into the woods. Peeta held my hand the first time the fence was removed and we walked through the meadow. It was appropriate, I thought. Sort of like, walking away from my old life and embracing my new one. Entering the woods with a man other than Gale, and two women at my side who I never would have thought in a million years I would call my best friends, was in a word, surreal. But it was calming. It was exhilarating even. I truly had changed. And I actually like who I have become.

“I remember leaning against this fence and watching you a time or two,” Peeta had said softly as the fence in question was being taken apart. I turned to him, eyes wide.

“You what?” He shrugged.

“Shouldn’t surprise you. You know I watched you for years. That sounds creepy, I didn’t like, stalk you or anything,” he wrinkled his nose and I laughed as I leaned up to kiss his cheek. 

“I know what you meant.” His eyes softened and his hands found mine.

“It killed me when I watched you and Gale walk out of here together. How many times I wished I could be the guy you were walking with. I always wished it was my hand you were holding instead.” I squeezed his hand and pulled him toward the woods.

“Now's your moment, Mellark. Walk with me.” A broad smile on his face, he entered the woods with me. It wasn’t like it was the first time I had taken him into those woods. But that moment that I watched the fence coming down, it was like another part of my life, something from so long ago, was being packed away. 

Now I’m walking through the meadow toward the trees in a long green gown that I have to hold up at my knees. I clutch the bouquet of white lilies in my hand and Annie smiles at me as I approach. We stand to the side and I see Finn trying to get out of Effie’s arms and back to his mother. Some music starts up and the crowd all rises to their feet. I see George shift from side to side, his hands calmly folded in front of him. His niece Liliana sprinkles flower petals on the silver aisle and I see Peeta and Johanna appear. She looks beautiful and even a little nervous. Her arm is wrapped around Peeta’s and she seems to be clutching his hand. He looks so handsome with his hair curled back and a peaceful smile on his face. They start walking toward us and I see Johanna’s eyes meet George’s. They really are a sweet couple. Her nervousness ebbs away and an excited smile forms. Effie did a beautiful job on our hair and make up. Johanna’s short brown hair is covered by an intricate birdcage veil that hides most of her face. A white lily is clipped in at the top and her eyes sparkle underneath purple and green make up. Pinned on her dress is the brooch that George presented her with when he proposed. He had had explained, as a wedding tradition in 8, the men give the women brooches to wear on their wedding dresses and then it is hung over their beds to ensure fertility and good luck. Johanna rolled her eyes at the tradition but she agreed to wear it, which I’m sure pleased George. She and Peeta stop in front of George and Peeta kisses her hand before he places it in George’s. Brent signals for everyone to have a seat and Peeta steps to the side, shooting me a smile. I watch as Johanna and George exchange rings and have their first kiss as husband and wife. Brent nods to Peeta, who shuffles to the side and hands me a tree branch. Johanna was adamant about this tradition, something everyone apparently does back in 7, sort of like our toasting here in 12. A tree branch, an alder tree to be specific, is burned and the bride and groom write their names in the air with the flame. After the fire is put out, the couple stands on the branch and squashes the flames completely, signifying that they will overcome any and all trials together. We had to look everywhere for an alder tree, as they don’t seem to grow around 7 anymore. She nearly scratched my eyes out when I suggested we use a different tree. Alder trees represent endurance and passion as well as strength and understanding. I suppose all of the above are vital to Johanna. 

Peeta helps me light the alder branch and we hand it to Johanna and George. Together, they write their names in the air and they blow the small fire out. The embers glow as they crunch the wood underneath them, squashing the fire together. We cheer and clap as they run, hand in hand, toward the woods. George sweeps her into his arms and they kiss under the trees. 

Back in Victor’s Village, I notice Johanna and George have disappeared for a long period of time. Peeta gives me an exasperated look.

“They couldn’t wait until later?” I shrug.

“It’s her wedding day. She can do whatever she wants.” 

“Well do you think anyone would notice if we…” he trails off as Johanna and George slip back into the living room, both of them glowing. Peeta presents the cake and everyone oohs and ahhs. Johanna wraps her arms around him and plants a big kiss on his lips, which make George, Peeta, and I a little uncomfortable. But it’s Johanna. That’s just the way she is. 

The reception lasts all night. George, Peeta, Brent, Thom, and Haymitch are all gathered in the kitchen while Annie and I watch Johanna dance with Finn. Delly and Rory are talking animatedly in the corner and Effie is gushing over Cora’s and Dane’s son, Nathan. Annie sighs and rests her head on my shoulder.

“I’m exhausted,” she yawns.

“I hear you. Finn’s getting crazy isn’t he?”

“I suppose he’s getting that age,” she yawns again. “Toddlers aren’t supposed to be this terrible though, are they?”

“You’re asking the wrong person,” I snort. “I remember very little about when Prim was a baby. My mom always carried her around and I stuck close to my dad.” 

“You miss them, don’t you,” she says softly. “Your family.”

“I do. But then I remember, I have a new family. Right here. And I would be lost without them.” She squeezes my hand and I smile, leaning my head back against the couch. I wish Prim could be here to hold Finn. Laughing and dancing with Annie and me, Johanna would love her too. I blink back the tears and settle into the couch. I feel someone gently shaking me and look up into clear blue eyes.

“Come on Sleeping Beauty, I’m taking you home.”

“Wait…where is everyone?”

“Already gone,” he laughs. “You and Annie fell asleep. Johanna and George are about to leave for District 8 if you want to come say goodbye.” I nod and jump to my feet, following Peeta outside to where people are seeing the couple off. Johanna smiles and pulls me to her.

“I was just going to let you sleep. I know how hard you have been working on my perfect day.” Before I can say anything, she pulls me into a tight hug.

“Thanks for everything, brainless.” She grins at me as George pulls her toward their car and she waves out the window. Peeta’s arms wrap around me from behind as we watch the car pull off and he gently pulls me toward our home.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
I can’t believe that in less than a month, Peeta and I will be celebrating 5 years together. I shiver and pull my coat closed as the chill in the air gets worse. I stop in front of the bakery and pull the door open, sighing as the warmth and the sweet smells wrap around me. My husband looks up when I enter and he immediately comes out from behind the counter.

“Why are you walking in this weather,” he asks, concerned, as he rubs his hands up and down my arms, trying to warm me up. “Why didn’t you take the car?”

“It wasn’t that cold when I left,” I try to keep my teeth from chattering. He shakes his head and pulls me toward one of the little bistro tables. He goes behind the counter for a moment, then comes back with a cup of hot chocolate and a plate of cheesebuns.

“Eat. I don’t need you getting sick again.”

“I was only sick for two days,” I argue.

“Yeah, and it scared the hell out of me. We seriously just need to stockpile your mother’s healing brew. How are you feeling today?”

“Much better. I went to the orphanage to help out and went to town to see if I could do anything for the All Hallow’s Eve decorations.” 

“Katniss, honey, you were really sick. Why aren’t you taking it easy?”

“I’m fine,” I say sharply and he sighs while I sip at my chocolate. The door opens and I see Peeta’s face break into a grin.

“I was wondering if you were going to come in today.”

“I can’t resist those pumpkin cupcakes,” a cheery voice says from behind me. I turn to hug the owner and lean back to survey her.

“Delly, you are glowing!” She takes off her hat, revealing bouncy curls and she smiles. Peeta pulls out a chair for her and helps her sit down and her hand rests on her enormous belly.

“It’s almost that time, isn’t it Delly,” Cora asks from behind the counter.

“Goodness I hope so. I’m ready to meet him. I hope he looks just like his poppa.” 

“Here you go, Del. On the house,” Peeta sets a plate of two cupcakes in front of her and she grins.

“You’re the best, Peeta.” 

“Is Brent getting nervous,” I ask with a smile.

“Surprisingly he’s alright. We’ll see how he is when I go into labor.” Peeta looks wistfully at her stomach. 

“You’re so big. You’re sure it’s not twins?”

“Peeta Mellark, you better take those words back right now.” I chuckle as Peeta looks abashed.

“I’m sorry Del, I didn’t mean--“

“It’s ok,” her face softens. “I’m so emotional all the time! I just want him out.”

“Soon, Delly. Very soon,” I pat her hand and she sniffles.

“Poor Brent. I don’t know how he puts up with me.”

“He loves you Delly. And he can’t wait to be a dad,” Peeta says softly. I glance at him but he avoids my eyes. Sighing, I lean back in my chair and drain the rest of my chocolate. 

“I should probably get back home,” I say as I push my chair back. Peeta and Delly look up at me, surprised. “I told Helga I would help with some of the crafts for the kids and I haven’t started. I’ll see you both later.” Peeta jumps up and follows me to the door. I pull my coat back on and he stops me.

“Hey. You ok?” I look into his wide blue eyes and see doubt and questioning swirling around. I reach up and rest a hand on his face.

“Yes. Everything’s fine. I’ll see you at home.” I lean up to kiss him and give him a small smile before I make my way back out into the cold.   
I’m hurrying around, trying to make dinner before Peeta gets home. The phone rings but my hands are full of hot dishes so I ignore it. It’s probably Haymitch, calling from the Capitol. He went to visit Effie for a few days since she has been so busy with her academy. I never thought Haymitch would return to that awful place but I suppose love makes you do things you never thought you would do. 

As I am taking the meat out of the oven, I hear a violent hissing followed by barking and growls. Frowning, I set the dish down and hurry over to the window. The sounds get worse, like a fight breaking out between animals. The cries become more feral and vicious. I run outside to find Buttercup clamped between a wild dog’s teeth. I shout and kick the dog in the side, forcing him to drop the cat. He whines and moves away but doesn’t leave. He keeps his eyes on the wounded cat and I search for something to grow at him. I pick up a heavy brick and throw it at his head. It misses but still scares him and he yelps.

“Get out of here! NOW!” The dog takes off out of the Village and I drop to my knees beside Buttercup. He’s an awful mess. Blood pours from his ears and back. He can’t even stand up straight. He’s yowling in pain and I wince at his cries.

“Oh Buttercup,” I whimper, reaching out to hold him. He hisses and tries to bat at me but can’t move further than that. I see Peeta approaching and he runs over when he sees me hunched over.

“Katniss, what’s…” his eyes widen when he sees the cat at my feet. “Oh shit.” He drops to his knees and studies Buttercup’s injuries.

“Peeta find me a towel to wrap him up in.” He nods and runs inside, returning moments later with a towel and a bowl of water. I gather Buttercup in the towel, wrapping him tight and ignoring his angry hissing. He looks up at me with clouded yellow eyes that are full of pain and I stifle a cry.

“Katniss--“

“You’ll be ok, Buttercup. You’ll be ok.”

“Katniss, honey--“

“Let’s move him inside. Make him more comfortable.” His hand on my shoulder stops me and I look up into his eyes. They’re sad but resigned.

“I’m sorry sweetheart. There isn’t much we can do for him.”

“No! Peeta, we can save him. We just need to--“

“Look at him,” he says gently. “He’s in pain.” Buttercup lets out another pained yowl and it sounds much more pathetic than before. He’s losing blood and shaking in my arms. 

“Buttercup, please.” I cradle the cat to my chest and am surprised when he doesn’t protest. He is silent as my tears wet his fur. 

“You can’t leave me too,” I whisper and I see Peeta’s eyes widen. 

“Come on. Let’s get him cleaned up.”

He wets the towel and helps me clean Buttercup’s wounds. But they’re deeper than I anticipated and I can see immediately he is not going to make it. He seems to go limp in my arms and I stare down at the furrball I always hated. We wait for him to close his eyes but he emits more pained cries. Peeta can’t take it anymore. He goes inside and comes back with my hunting knife. My eyes widen and I shake my head as he kneels next to me.

“You really want him to suffer?” My eyes filled with tears, I shake my head. Peeta rests a hand on my shoulder.

“It will be quick. And painless. He won’t feel a thing.” I look down at Buttercup and then back into my husband’s eyes. Finally I nod and set Buttercup down. Peeta strokes his fur as he positions the knife at the cat’s throat. I turn away and retch as I see his hand move and the yowling stops. I don’t know how Peeta isn’t going into a flashback right now, with all the blood. He must be keeping it together for me. I hear shuffling behind me and Peeta dipping his hands into the water. I’m on my hands and knees, heaving, when he strokes my hair.

“Let me find a box inside to bury him in. We can go to the meadow if you like.” I nod but don’t move. I hear him move inside and the door slam. I chance a look behind me and see a tiny body covered in the towel. Blood seeps through the towel and I heave again, emptying my stomach all over the lawn. Peeta returns with a box from our closet and a blanket we never use. He wraps Buttercup’s body and tenderly places it in the box. Positioning it under his arm, he helps me up and leads me towards the woods. I have no idea where and when he got the shovel but he leans it against a tree and sets the box down.

“Why don’t you sit down over here,” he helps me sit on a rock and he begins to dig. I notice we are well past the meadow, fairly deep in the woods. The sun is setting and the world is peaceful and beautiful. The sun is a bloody red-orange at the moment and I am captivated by it while Peeta digs. Finally he lowers the box into the ground and covers it with the dirt. I find a vine of primroses and lay it on top of the little grave.

“Take care of her,” I whisper to the wind. Peeta’s arm wraps around me and he holds me to his side. I turn and cry into his shoulder and he throws the shovel aside so he can hold me with both arms. He strokes my hair and allows me to cry. By the time I pull away, the sun has set and the moon is high in the sky. Peeta picks up the shovel and starts to pull me toward the edge of the woods when we hear a low growl. His wide eyes meet mine.

“What was that?” I am about to answer when we hear it again. It’s close. And sounds like more than one. This feels far too familiar.  
Peeta feels it too. He knows we have faced this before. He swallows and droplets of sweat break out on his forehead. The growls seem to come from around us, like they are surrounding us.

“Katniss,” he whispers. “Get up into the tree.”

“Not without you.”

“Katniss, I can’t climb with this leg. You need to--“

“I said I’m not leaving you,” I say sharply, a little too loudly. He winces and we hear a bark. I turn just as the wild dog jumps out. Peeta hits it over the head with the shovel but two more attack. 

“Run!” 

Mutts. Mutts are chasing us! We are in the Arena again! We have to make it to the Cornucopia! Peeta pants behind me as we quicken our pace. If I could turn and fire my arrows…

Shit! I don’t have my bow. This isn’t the Arena. It’s my woods. And Peeta and I are unarmed, save for a shovel. 

Shit. 

“Peeta!” He looks behind him and runs a little ways ahead as one of them takes a bite at him. He manages to dodge it and he looks back at me, his face pale.

“Keep going! Don’t stop!” 

“Peeta, we have to get up! I’ll help you! Come on!” I take a sharp turn and he follows me and the dogs are momentarily thrown off. I grab a low hanging branch and pull myself up. I hold my hand out and gesture for him to climb.

“Peeta, come on!”

“Katniss-“

“Come ON!” He jumps up and grabs my hand but we know he is too heavy. He shakes his head but I hold on.

“Don’t you dare. Climb! Now!” He can’t get anywhere with that damn leg so I drop to the ground, despite his angry protests. I pick up the shovel and hold it out. 

“Katniss, get back up there!” I back up against the tree and into him. His arms wrap around me, trying to move me up the tree but I stand my ground.

“Stop it. I’m not leaving you,” I growl. I whirl around and bring the shovel down on one of the dog’s heads. It falls to the ground, dead and the others scatter. I drop the shovel and clutch the stitch in my chest. I turn to look at Peeta, who is gripping his hair tightly and shaking his head.

“Peeta?” His eyes shoot open and I see that there is not a trace of blue. I take a step back.

“Peeta, it’s not real…”

“What’s not,” he snarls. “These mutts? You loving me? You being a filthy mutt?” He takes a step forward and I continue to back up.

“Peeta, no. Whatever you are seeing it’s not real. We are married. We live here in District 12.”

“District 12 is gone. Because of you. Everyone we know is dead because of you!” I start to protest but I feel his fingers wrap around my throat and I gasp.

“My family,” he spats. “My brother…he’d just become a father!” His fist finds my jaw and I cry out. 

“My friends. Our baby!” He hits me again and again tears stream down my cheeks.

“You killed our baby!” I fall backwards and he follows me down, hovering over me and placing both hands on my throat. I grapple at his fingers as they tighten around my windpipe. No. This can’t be happening. Not like this. 

“Peeta,” I gasp out. “Peeta, I love you--“

“Not real,” he barks. “Not real not real not real! She doesn’t love you! No one will ever love you!” He hits me again and I feel my jaw crack. I already feel one of my eyes swelling shut. I try to move my hand up to his face but he jerks away, his fingers only tightening. I can feel my breath leaving me. I squeeze at his hands. 

“Please.”

“Don’t beg. It’s not becoming of a mutt.” He lifts me up and starts to turn my head. I know what will happen. Peeta is strong enough to snap my neck in a second.

“It will be quick and painless,” he says, his voice losing some of the edge. “You won’t feel a thing. Far more than you deserve.” I close my eyes and brace myself for the death blow when I hear him cry out and feel him being jerked away. I open my eyes, and through the blood I look up to see him being dragged backwards. One of the dogs has closed it’s powerful jaws around his leg and he is screaming as he beats the ground with his fists.

“Peeta!” My cry isn’t as loud as it could be, my voice nearly gone. I shakily wipe the blood from my eyes as I sit up. He’s kicking at the dog as it bites down viciously. It suddenly comes to my attention that it has his prosthetic leg in his mouth…and is not ripping flesh. I look around for the shovel but the dog lets out a yelp and falls to the ground, an arrow sticking out of its head. I gasp as I see Rory lower his bow and race towards me.

“Are you two alright?” His eyes widen when he sees me and I hastily wipe at my face. It hurts like hell though so I gather my knees to my chest and wipe my face on my shirt.

“Katniss,” Rory whispers, looking terrified.

“Peeta! Peeta,” I choke out and he runs back to where Peeta is lying on his stomach.

“I’ve got him,” I hear him say. Peeta seems to be coming to and he struggles to his feet. Rory drops to his knees to help him and Peeta shakily stands, shifting from side to side unsteadily. Undoubtedly the dog ruined his prosthetic but I am so thankful that it was his bad leg that was clamped in his jaws. Peeta rubs his face and shakes his head.

“What…what the hell happened? Rory what are you doing here?”

“I was finished hunting and was walking through the meadow when I heard yours and Katniss’s screams. I ran here as fast as I could. I only arrived when I saw the dog dragging you away. We should get you to the hospital. I’m sure that dog’s teeth did damage.”

“No it’s alright, it was only…” Peeta’s voice falters as his eyes fix upon me. They widen in horror and he stifles a gasp as he drops to his knees in front of me.

“Katniss…what have I done?” I shake my head but wince, which makes it worse. Rory eyes us uneasily and I reach toward Peeta. His eyes travel over my face and finally to the bruises on my throat. I know he sees his fingerprints, like before. He looks at his hands in terror and scrambles backwards. I start to crawl toward him and his hands fly up in front of him.

“Stay away from me, Katniss. Just…stay away.”

“Peeta--“

“No. No! I…look what I’ve done to you! I could have killed you. Again.”

“You didn’t. We just--“

“No. No more. I can’t…no more.” Shaking his head, he scrambles to his feet and walks away from us. I call after him and he doesn’t look back. I fall to the ground, screaming his name but he never returns. I feel Rory’s hand on my shoulder and look up at him.

“Come on. Let’s get you to the hospital.” I let him lead me away from the woods and into town. I don’t say anything as the doctor looks me over. I don’t answer their questions. I’m numb. The doctor announces my jaw dislocated but not broken. I also need stitches in my lip and across my brow. Rory refuses to tell them anything and for that I am grateful. I will not have it get out that my husband is abusive. After the doctors leave me to get my paperwork, I grip Rory’s hand.

“You have to go after him, Rory. Stop him. I know him, he’s going to leave. I can’t survive without him.” He squeezes my hand.

“I’ll do my best, Katniss.” And he hurries off, leaving me alone to deal with the doctors.

Several hours later, I’m discharged and told to come back in a week to remove the stitches. I hold the ice pack to my face as I walk back home. It’s hard to walk with limited eyesight but I do my best.

When I arrive in Victor’s Village, I see the car is gone. My heart sinks as I go inside and find an empty house. I go up to our bedroom and with a cry, I fall to the floor. His clothes are gone, his suitcase missing, and a note with only three words on our bed.

I Love You

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone is banging at the door and I could care less. It’s been a week and I haven’t heard a word from Peeta. I haven’t left the house and I’m sure someone has noticed. Most likely Annie but it could be Delly too. Or someone from the bakery, wondering where Peeta is. Did Rory tell them? Did he tell them my husband left me? My phone rings and I ignore it. I pull my blanket tighter around me and settle back into the rocker. I could just sit here and die in this rocker. Would anyone notice? Would anyone care? It’s with that depressing thought that I close my eyes and feel a sharp prick in my arm. I try to open my eyes but everything becomes hazy and dark and I black out.


	74. Chapter 74

What the hell am I doing? I’m sitting in a bar in District 8, drunk as hell, and all I can think about is Katniss.

My wife. Almost murdered by my own hands. The image of her beaten and bloody makes my hands shake. I drain my drink and signal the bartender for another. He frowns but doesn’t question me. If he recognizes me, he doesn’t let on. I’d heard that they are looking for me. I’m sure Katniss asked the president for help on finding me. I could be found by Gale Hawthorne any second now and I could care less. The further I am away from her, the better off she is. I thought I was getting better. I thought we would be ok, that we could finally be happy. Our 5th wedding anniversary is in a few weeks and I want to cry every time I think about it. 

“Hey Bridge, turn that up,” says the man beside me. The bartender, Bridge, turns up the volume on the TV and the man beside me grunts.

“Isn’t that Haymitch Abernathy?” My eyes dart up to the TV and I groan. 

“…if anyone has any information on Peeta Mellark’s whereabouts, they are asked to contact his wife immediately. She is worried and terrified for his safety. The President of Panem has issued a search warrant for Peeta and asks that he be returned home safely. Again, if anyone has any information…” I close my eyes and lower my head. Fantastic. The whole country is looking for me. I pull my hooded jacket up, probably making me look even more conspicuous. The reporter goes on to say that this interview is several days old.

“So that’s two Victors that’s missing, huh,” drunkie beside me says. 

“Why two? Who else is missing,” Bridge responds.

“Why, the little wife herself! Katniss Everdeen!” My hand on the glass freezes.

“What makes you think she is missing?” 

“Heard it this morning. Been gone for several days now. And she’s legally bound to District 12. Aint supposed to leave it or it could mean imprisonment for her.”

“You think she and her husband ran off?”

“Maybe. Maybe he got wise and left her. Heard she went crazy after she lost her sister. She killed Coin, you know. She was supposed to die for it. Lots of people still think she should.” I can’t take anymore. I slam the glass down, throw down some bills, and head out into the pouring rain.

I make it back to my hotel and my hands hover over the phone. I want to call Haymitch and ask if it is true. What if she is missing? Did she come looking for me? Would she risk imprisonment to find me? My heart aches for her. I fall to the sheets and allow the tears to fall.   
Morning comes and I am sicker than a dog. You’d think after four straight nights of being drunk I would be used to it but the hangover still sucks. I stare into the mirror and shake my head. What the hell am I doing? 

Two more days go by and I see something else on the TV. Haymitch and Annie are standing in front of our house in Victor’s Village and Annie is pointing at something. The volume is down so I grunt to the bartender to turn it up. He shoots me a glare but obeys.

“…signs of foul play. Katnss Everdeen-Mellark was originally thought to have followed her husband, Peeta Mellark, to an unknown district but recent developments say that may not be the case.” 

“We have reason to believe that Katniss may have been abducted by a terrorist group known as the Red Revolutionaries.” My eyes widen as Haymitch comes on the   
screen.

“The Red Revolutionaries are a group of Alma Coin supporters from District 13. As everyone knows, Coin was found guilty of first-degree murder but certain supporters of hers continued to call for the death sentence during Katniss’s trial after the bombing of the Capitol. After Katniss was returned to District 12 with the negotiation that she would live out her exile in her home district, President Paylor and I set up certain levels of security and made sure any hate mail or threats went through us. The Red Revolutionaries were one of the President’s biggest worries. They constantly sent death threats and we burned the hate mail. But we fear that in her distress over her missing husband, they may have finally gotten to her.” I try to control my breathing as I watch the reporter frown.

“And can you tell Panem where Mr. Mellark has disappeared to? Does he know about his wife’s disappearance?”

“You can see my pleas for him to be returned home safely, so you can assume I don’t know where he is,” Haymitch says irritably. “But if you’re watching this, Peeta, I ask you to come home and help us find your wife. She needs you. Always.” Haymitch knows what that word will do to me. The bartender glances up at me as I push my stool back and dig in my pocket for some cash.

“Kind of cowardly, don’t you think? Running away from her like that?” The bartender stares at me and I clear my throat, avoiding his eyes.

“I’m sure he had his reasons.”

“Guess he’ll regret it if they can’t find her,” he shrugs and goes back to cleaning a glass. My fists ball up angrily and I chew on my tongue to keep the sharp words in.

“I hope he finds her though,” he continues. ”I was always rooting for the star-crossed lovers. Wherever he is, I hope he knows how much she needs him now.” He gives me a pointed look and my jaw drops. Throwing the money onto the bar, I race back to my hotel room and pick up the phone.

“Haymitch Abernathy’s home,” says a smooth woman’s voice and I sigh.

“Effie? Is Haymitch there?”

“Peeta? Oh my dear, is that you?”

“It’s me. Is he--“

“Give me that,” I hear Haymitch snarl and I brace myself. “You have got some fucking nerve you know that.”

“Haymitch spare me the lecture. Where is she?”

“Haven’t you been watching kid? I don’t know! She could be dead for all I know.” I grip the phone tightly.

“Don’t say that. She’s not. What about these Red whatever they are? Why do you think they are involved?”

“You know, I don’t know if I’m inclined to share everything with you. You fucking ran from her, you little shit! She lost it after you left and she probably could have defended herself if she wasn’t so damn depressed.” I blink back tears as I hear Effie scolding him. Haymitch sighs heavily.

“I still love her, Haymitch. I just thought…she’s better off…”

“Yeah yeah. You kids make the poorest decisions of anyone I know. Alright listen, while I was in the Capitol I heard some stuff. The Red Revolutionaries, I thought, had died down after awhile. But they seemed to be recruiting again. Paylor got word to me that she received some letters that said they were watching Katniss and had the means to kill her if they wanted to. We have no idea what they want but we know they want her to pay. They were the ones who hired that bastard attorney to ask for the death sentence. The thing is, there isn’t much sign of foul play around her house. I mean, it looks like she could have just left. So it’s not hard to believe that she went looking for you.” I swallow heavily.

“So what do you think? You think she is looking for me or you think something is wrong?”

“I think she’s smart. And strong. And she wouldn’t just disappear like this. She’d at least keep Annie informed. She’s been going out of her mind with worry, she and Johanna both have been doing interviews, pleading for any information. I don’t think Katniss would let them worry like that. I think something is wrong but unfortunately, we have no information on where they might have taken her.” 

“You really think they took her…because I left?” He sighs again.

“I think that there was less of a chance for them to get her when you were around. When you took off, she lost it. I’m sure they were just waiting for an opportunity to present itself.”

“And because of me, it did,” I finish weakly.

“Peeta, I know you love her and you think you’re doing what is best. But I am waiting for you two to figure out that you need each other. You can’t keep running from each other. Love is what will heal you and you both have come so far.”

“I’ll be home as soon as I can,” is all I say before I hang up and start packing my bags. 

I step off the train and gasp as I see reporters and cameras everywhere. Luckily they haven’t spotted me, so I pull my jacket up and jog as fast as I can towards Victor’s Village. I’m glad to see that there are no cameras around here. I’m sure Haymitch had something to do with that. I push the door open and drop my bags inside. The house is eerily quiet and I shiver. I walk through the empty rooms and pause in the living room. Prim’s blanket is balled up in the floor beside the rocking chair. I bend down to pick it up and something small falls from it. I pick up a necklace and hold it in my hands. It’s the locket from the Quell. It falls open, revealing Mrs. Everdeen’s, Prim’s and my faces. 

Something is definitely wrong. Haymitch is right, Katniss would not just disappear like this. She has more regard for people than I do apparently. And the terror I feel in this house tells me that something has happened to her. That she isn’t just out there looking for me.

Something has happened and I am determined to find her and bring her home safely.


	75. Chapter 75

My head is pounding and my throat is cracked. I feel dizzy from dehydration and the cloth that is tied around my mouth is making my chapped lips bleed. I have no idea how long it’s been, where I am, or who has captured me. I don’t know much of anything right now. All I know is without some food and water, I’ll probably be dead in a matter of hours.

It’s like the Games all over again. The Careers have me trapped. And I have no way of escaping. 

I feel someone yank my hair back and I gasp through my gag. Something is shoved under my nose and I cough violently. The person releases me and I shift on the cold ground.

“Time to wake up little mockingjay,” a hateful voice spits near my ear. I groan to let them know I am awake. 

“Here, she needs some water. And we should probably feed her something other than bread.”

“She married a damn baker. I’m sure she’s used to living on bread,” the voice nearest me says with a laugh. “Alright mockingjay, here’s something to drink.” My gag is removed and I try to lick my lips. A cup is held to my lips and I eagerly drink the warm water. I’m not allowed to feed myself and this is how it has been going since they captured me. I’ve been drugged by whatever they keep sticking into my arm and I still feel fuzzy and weak. 

And this is how it continues. No one tells me what they want. No one says anything to me unless it’s to mock me or tell me that I’m ‘in for it’. I wish that whatever they were planning, they would just get it over with. I hear voices from far away, some of them are familiar but I can’t place where I am. I’m tired of the darkness and just want it to be over. After they replace my gag, I start wishing I had begged for them to just kill me. Next time, I resolve. 

I snap awake to voices nearby. With some food and drink in my system my senses slowly come back. And I can register the voice that is speaking. Haymitch! So I’m in District 12 still. But where exactly? And what do they--whoever they are--want with me? I hear Annie too. Johanna. Even little Finn. I want to cry at how worried they sound. I’m sure they are looking for me. When we first hear their voices I can tell it throws my captors off.

“They’re looking for her--“

“Shhh!”

“We can’t keep her here anymore. We need to move. Wait for their answer someplace else--“

“I said SHUT UP,” voices hiss.  
What answer are they waiting on? Of course no one speaks to me. 

And then comes a day when I am feeling weak and incoherent again. I can swear the voice I hear next is a figment of my imagination. That is, until my captors start to freak out.  
I’m trying to massage some feeling back in my wrists, which are bound behind me, when I hear Haymitch’s voice close by.

“Paylor’s men are searching the district. We have teams up and down every street in Merchant Circle. She’s around here somewhere. The message we intercepted said that she is here in 12.”

“Then where is she Haymitch,” I hear a pleading voice. “It’s been two weeks. What if they get tired of waiting for an answer and just kill her?”

“They won’t. They’re just the hired guns. They will wait for the official answer. And we will intercept that, so don’t worry.”

“How can you tell me not to worry,” comes his panicked voice. “My wife has been kidnapped by a group of psychopaths who are doing god knows what to her! I want her back, Haymitch. If anything happens to her--“

“I know kid. I know. We are doing everything we can.”   
I shift from side to side and my head is spinning. Peeta. He’s really here! He came back.

“Shit,” one of my captors swears. “He’s back.”

“That’s what you’re worried about? They intercepted our message! They know we have her.”

“So what? They don’t know where we are. And we just need to get word to Teacher and tell him we are being watched. We have to be careful with our correspondence.”

“I still think we need to get out of 12. They’re too close. It’s too risky.”

“It’s too risky trying to leave. You think they won’t be watching at all hours?”

“Let’s try to leave early in the morning. When everyone is asleep.”

“Fine. But you are going out first and if you get shot, you can bet your ass I am leaving you behind.”

I try to sleep but I can’t. My captors are rustling around making too much noise.

“We should drug her again,” one of them whispers. “Before we leave.”

“And then we’ll have to drag her around.”

“She’s not heavy, I can carry her.”

“A drugged woman is going to be different than one who can walk on her own. Leave the drugs out of her system. And give me your gun. In case anyone is nearby.”

“You know the orders. You can’t kill any other Victors.”

“I know that. I don’t have to kill them. Just injure them enough to make sure they don’t follow us.”

Oh Peeta. I start to struggle and am rewarded by a kick in the face.

“You be quiet. Don’t you start trying to make trouble or we will drug you and carry you all the way…away from the district.” He almost slipped and said where he was taking me. Dammit. 

I hear snores and assume both my captors are trying to sleep before their big break out. I start to flick my wrists, wincing as the ropes dig into my flesh. I try to stand but almost topple over as my feet are bound. I manage to lower myself back down before I wind up waking them up. I struggle until the blindfold slips down and it falls around my neck. We’re in a barn! Haymitch’s barn! That’s why I have been able to hear them so clearly. We are so close and I wonder how far I can get before they wake up. I move closer to the door and wince as the floor creaks. I crawl on my knees, glancing at my captors, who are snoring against the hay. I suck in a breath as I back up against the door, fumbling for the latch with my bound hands. I see one of them shift and I freeze in place. Of course the odds are never in my favor. He jumps up and his wide eyes meet mine.

“You take one more step, mockingjay, and I will shoot you in the head.” Swallowing, I back up. Now that I know Peeta is so close, I can’t just let myself die like this. I try to stand up but trip and fall right into the water trough right beside me. I moan as I hit the freezing water and shiver violently as I struggle to get out. He grabs me and yanks me to my feet. I shudder as he twists my arm painfully and stabs a needle into my skin. No. Dammit. Not again…  
It’s different this time. If my hands were free, I would try to claw the drugs out of my system. I feel hazy and lightheaded. I keep seeing things in my mind, strange and horrible visions. I keep seeing bombs explode and bodies catching fire. I watch over and over, as Prim burns alive, reaching out to me. I watch Peeta behind a glass window as he writhes on a table, screaming my name. Rue, removing the spear from her stomach, Finnick being decapitated by mutts, Cinna being beaten to death right in front of me. It goes on all night.

I hear them chuckling by my side as I fight off the hallucinations. I itch like crazy and the poison feels like fire in my veins. I writhe and shriek into my gag. One of them cups my chin and spits in my face.

“Finally feeling what your little baker boy felt for so long. How’s it feel, Mockingjay? You understand now why he is so fucked up? Why he’ll never be the same?” Oh god. This drug. This poison. The hallucinations.

Tracker-jacker venom. I should have known the moment they injected it. I’ve been stung before. It was all too familiar. That night is the worst of all, as my poisoned mind shows me Prim and and my father and Finnick and Cinna and Rue and the hundreds of others who died. I see Peeta being tortured until he is nothing but a bloody mess on the floor. My blindfold is soaked from my tears. 

I don’t know how long I’m out or how long the drugs take to wear off. I am shivering and sniffling when I wake up and am still soaking wet from my little dip in the trough. I should have known we were outside by the way the cold air slips under the door and freezes us all. There is a sharp pain in my arm where the man twisted it. I heard something crack and I cry out as I try to move it. My blindfold is secured again and there are more ropes around my arms and chest. There is rustling nearby and the sounds of a struggle. Something crashes to the ground next to me and I jump. 

“Who are you and what the fuck do you want,” I hear a voice growl. 

“I think you know the answers to both of those questions,” my captor hisses. “And so sorry we have to detain you like this, Mr. Mellark, but we can’t have you following us.”

“I swear to you if you bastards have done anything to Katniss--“

“Save your empty threats! They mean nothing here. You may be a Victor but we are Revolutionaries. We fear nothing.”

“Good. Because I’m going to fucking tear you apart!” 

“Would you shut him up?” 

“Pass me the rope.”

“Need to find some more. In the mean time, little victor,” he must have grabbed Peeta’s arm because he sounds like he is struggling but then his hand is on my face and he freezes. His fingers seem hesitant and his palm is gentle as it caresses my cheek.

“Katniss,” he chokes out in a whisper. I want to cry at the sound of his voice. I whimper and his hand flutters against my face.

“Oh god Katniss.” His fingers deftly remove my blindfold and I squeeze my eyes shut, opening them to find his blindfolded face just inches from mine. I nuzzle against his hand and his fingertips graze over my gag. He moves closer and I feel his lips on my cheek.

“I’m here sweetheart. I’m here.” How my arms ache to hold him. How much I want to fling myself in his arms right now. I see my captor approach us and I wince. He grabs a handful of Peeta’s curls and Peeta hisses in pain.

“Now that you know she is just fine.” He pulls Peeta’s hands behind his back, binding them tightly, before adding thick cord to his mouth. Peeta struggles and yells curses into his gag but the men seemed satisfied and move away.

“We need to go,” one of them hisses. “They’ll be looking for him now.”

“We can use him. If he wants to keep her safe, he’ll do what we tell him to.” The man looks over at us doubtfully and I just want to cry. I move as close as I can and nuzzle up against Peeta’s shoulder. We move awkwardly but we end up leaning with our backs to each other, and his hands find mine. I settle down and try to sleep with Peeta breathing heavily right next to me.   
With some very awkward situating, we are able to get each other’s gags off and are careful our whispers do not travel across the barn.

“Peeta, how did you find me?”

“I asked Haymitch if we had searched the grounds of the Village. I should have waited for everyone to wake up but I just had this feeling and came close to the barn. I guess I was…drawn to you. Anyway, I thought I saw someone moving around so I burst in. They had me on the ground and tied me up before I could yell for help. I’m sorry Katniss. I should have…I should have gone and woken Haymitch up. Or gone and gotten Gale. But I just felt you nearby and needed to know.”

“It’s not your fault,” I say through chattering teeth. Peeta’s hand squeezes mine and he swallows heavily.

“Katniss, you’re freezing.”

“It is snowing outside,” I say with a bitter laugh.

“But you’re…wet. And half frozen. Katniss, you’re bound to catch something!”

“I tried to escape and fell into the water trough. I think their plans are to kill me so they don’t really care if I catch pneumonia.”

“I swear to you Katniss, I won’t let anything happen to you.” I remember the captors’ threats and wouldn’t put it past them to leave Peeta out here in the freezing cold.

“Peeta they want me. Not you. I don’t want anything to happen to you. You can’t stop them.”

“Like hell I can’t. I’ll die fighting if I have to.”

“Peeta,” I say urgently. “Please. I can’t…I’ll die if something else happens to you. Something else being my fault. I can’t let you--“

“That’s bullshit, Katniss. When are you going to stop blaming yourself for everything?” I’m silent and feel him shift closer.

“Katniss, you were caught in the web of life, just like I was. We were caught by the Games and by some sick twisted form of fate, we went through…well, everything that we went through. And not a single time was any of it your fault.” 

“I’m pretty sure these guys would disagree with you,” I sigh. “They’re the Coin supporters aren’t they?”

“Red Revolutionaries,” he says quietly. “A terrorist group who has been seeking revenge for Coin. The President knew they were close by and they wanted to double security around 12. It’s why so many people were moving here. Lots of them were undercover. Gale intercepted a letter a few days ago from the Revolutionaries to someone they call Teacher. I assume it is their leader and they are waiting on orders. So far, their orders are just to detain you and wait for the rest of their squad. But since we intercepted their message, they’re not coming here. Yesterday Gale told me that Paylor found Teacher’s hideout and is now questioning the rest of the squad. They want you dead but they want to try you fairly,” he spits out the last word, scoffing. “So my guess is that they will want to take you back to 13 once they figure out the orders aren’t coming.”

“They talked about moving me, before they captured you. And they might try to use you to--“

“They can try but I told you, I’m still fighting to keep you alive.”

“Peeta,” I sigh but I know I can’t argue with him anymore. We’re quiet for a few minutes and my hand shakes in his. I feel a cold coming on and my throat is getting so sore. But I have to keep talking to him.

“When did you…come back?” I feel him suck in a breath.

“As soon as I saw that you had gone missing.”

“So if none of this had happened, you would have still stayed away.” 

“Katniss--“

“No Peeta. I don’t want to hear it. You come running when I am in danger but when it’s my sanity, you don’t give a damn?”

“Of course I give a damn. I love you more than anything Katniss. But after what I did…my god, I just woke up to see you bloody and your face like that and…I just had to leave. I couldn’t believe…couldn’t fathom that I had done that. That my own hands could hurt you like that. Again!”

“You hurt me a lot worse by running away,” I say quietly and he falls silent. I try to settle down against him and sleep but his voice breaks out of the silence again.

“Some way to spend our anniversary, huh?” I jerk, nearly knocking him in the face.

“It’s…it’s our anniversary?” 

“Yeah.”

“Oh. I didn’t know how much time has passed…how long they have kept me here.” I feel dizzy and weak and it reminds me too much of the Games. How we are   
huddled against each other, trying to save the other. Peeta’s hand finds mine again and squeezes.

“We’re getting out of here, Katniss. We’ll celebrate many more anniversaries together.”

“Does that mean that you won’t leave me again?”

“I was a fool to ever leave your side. I’ll always come back to you, Katniss. Always.” He chuckles softly and shakes his head. “Haymitch must be so sick of us. Always hurting each other, running from each other when things get bad.” 

“He called me from the Capitol one night and wanted to know what I had done to set you off. Johanna got really angry and took the phone and screamed at him. She made him apologize and he promised he was going to search for you. To bring you home. I’m not sure if he heard the full story from Rory or not, but he told me not to give up and that you would come to your senses and come back home.” 

“I would have. I mean, I may have stayed away for a while longer but I can’t survive without you. And I know you need me as much as I need you. I may run, Katniss, but I swear I’ll come back to you.” I lay my head on his shoulder and he kisses my cheek.

“It may not matter. If Haymitch doesn’t find us in time…well, the odds have never really been in our favor.”

“The odds were in my favor the day I met you, Katniss. I swore as a little boy I would protect you and I will never break that vow. Get some rest if you can. Tomorrow we are getting out of here.”


	76. Chapter 76

I don’t think I’ve had any sleep for at least two weeks. I definitely didn’t sleep in District 8 and ever since I heard that Katniss was missing, it’s been even harder. She’s shivering against me and all I want to do is hold her so tightly that the rest of the world ceases to exist. My heart may very well fall out of my chest if anything else happens to her. I can’t see her with this damn thing the bastards put over my eyes but I can hear how weak and sickly she sounds. Her body shakes with coughs and I know her immune system hasn’t quite healed from her last bout of sickness. If I don’t get her out of this cold barn soon, I will lose her. I don’t know what these men have planned but I’ll yell and scream and make as much noise as possible to get Haymitch out here. I don’t know how they have gone so long without being discovered. The barn is in Haymitch’s backyard for crying out loud! Just because he doesn’t want to go near it ever again, I suppose, maybe that’s why the Revolutionaries chose this spot to hide her. Everyone in 12 is looking for her, though. I think they must have drugged her to keep her so quiet. I shift in my bindings, hoping not to wake her. She stirs but doesn’t say anything. I try to keep still as I hear the men stirring as well.

“Sun’s about up. Let’s just grab her and go. Leave him behind.”

“We still need to wait for an answer from Teacher.”

“Are you deaf? They intercepted our message! They must have found Teacher’s hideout. We can’t wait anymore. We need to take her back now.”

“To what? If they found his hideout, then there is nowhere for us to take her. We should just kill her now while we have the chance. To hell with the trial. She’s guilty anyway. We know what Teacher’s verdict was going to be. He’ll be happy we got rid of her.” 

I immediately start to writhe in my ropes and I toss my head.

“You bastards won’t touch her, you understand?”

“Oh look who’s awake. And who’s going to stop us, little victor? You?”

“I survived two Hunger Games while you sons of bitches hid underground! Your president was a manipulative, deceitful--“ I feel a kick to my stomach and I double up in pain, my insults forgotten. 

“You will not speak ill of our president like that,” he barks. “You victors are all the same. You think you are the only people on earth who matter. You’re so used to a life of luxury that you forget how the real people live.”

“Life of luxury,” I scoff. “You mean being sold to the highest bidder for whatever sick acts they deem us worthy of? Living in fear that if you do something wrong, your loved ones will suffer for it? Or how about just trying to live a normal life with the nightmares and the terrible things you see in your head after you survive the Games? Fuck you, you ignorant blockheads. You know nothing about a victor’s life! You didn’t have to live with the fear of the Games hanging over your head!” 

“Peeta,” I hear her faint whisper. She releases a cough and it makes me grimace. I feel one of them tugging on my hair, pulling me to my feet. I stumble on my prosthetic and I hear Katniss whimper beside me. 

“Stand up, Mockingjay. Do you see your husband? Look at him. Ready to defend you. Ready to die for you. After everything you have done.”

“Shut up,” I snarl, jerking my head but only succeed in having a few of my curls ripped out. 

“We’ll make this easy for you, Mockingjay.” I feel something cold at my temple and hear Katniss suck in a breath.

“You come with us willingly and we won’t kill him. Refuse, and you’ll have more blood on your hands.” 

“No,” she cries, my heart tearing at the sound of it. “You can’t kill him. You said so yourself. You can’t kill more victors.” 

“Things have changed. We aren’t following anyone’s orders anymore. And we will avenge Alma’s death. We don’t want to kill another victor but we will if necessary. If you choose to make this more difficult than it has to be.” I try to jerk myself out of the man’s grip but he has a tight hold and the gun digs deeper into my temple. I groan, as a strong beefy arm wraps around my neck. I’m reminded of the end of our first Games, when Cato had me in a headlock. I was sure I was done for. He could snap my neck in two seconds. But Katniss saved my life and the arrow she fired into Cato’s hand made him lose focus and fall to his death. Right now, I’d give anything to be able to look into Katniss’s eyes. She can’t do this. She can’t die for me.

“Fine,” I hear her shaky voice. “Let’s go.”

“Katniss! Don’t you dare!”

“I’m sorry Peeta. I can’t let you die.” 

“Good little mockingjay,” he croons in my ear and I can no longer feel the gun. I feel one of them grab my arm and pull up my sleeve.

“Wait, what are you--“

“Calm down, Everdeen. We’re not hurting him. Just making sure he can’t follow us.” I shake as I feel a needle scrape my skin.

“Wait! Can I…can I please say goodbye?” 

“You didn’t give Alma that chance,” the man snarls but the other man quietly scolds him. I feel trembling hands lift my blindfold and I stare down into watery grey eyes, a huge gash across her forehead, reminding me terribly about the cut Clove gave her at the Feast. Katniss reaches up and holds my face in her hands.

“The odds may not be in our favor…but it was a miracle and a blessing the day you told me you would love me forever.”

“Katniss--“ her lips crash against mine and I try again. Each time I try to speak, her kisses silence me. 

“You have so much love inside you, Peeta. Please don’t let this be it for you. You deserve to be happy. Find someone who will make you happy.”

“Katniss!” Her words nearly knock me to the floor. She actually thinks I could ever move on and find someone else? Out of the corner of my eye, I see the man holding the needle in his hands. Outside, I hear footsteps and voices coming from Haymitch’s house. It’s now or never. 

“HAYMITCH! THE BARN!” 

“Peeta!”

“You son of a bitch!” 

I hear a gunshot go off and I am momentarily stunned. Katniss’s scream wakes me and I hear footsteps running outside. The door bursts open and I hear “drop your guns now!” The two men drop their guns and lots of people run into the barn. I see Haymitch, Gale, Effie, Johanna, George, Thom, Brent, and two big soldiers I know are on Gale’s search team. Gale is speaking into his communicator and Brent and Thom are tying the two men up. Haymitch kneels next to Katniss and unties her and she launches herself at me, her hands hastily working at the ropes around my hands. 

“Peeta! Peeta are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” I say, though a little dazed. Sniffling, she clutches my leg.

“Your leg!” Then I understand why she is freaking out. I fight to hide my smile as I roll up my pants leg to reveal my prosthetic. Her wide eyes find mine and I grin.

“Guess it would have hurt a lot more if I actually had a leg.” So the men shot me in the wrong leg. Well that’s lucky for me! She sniffles and throws her arms around me. My arms wrap around her and I hold her in my lap as she cries into my chest. 

“Get this scum out of here,” Gale barks to his soldiers and I watch the men being lead away. I long to throw out some kind of harsh words but all I care about is having my wife back in my arms, safe and sound. 

“Make sure they are taken directly to President Paylor,” Haymitch says, nodding. “Sweetheart, come on inside, you look awful.” I glance up at Haymitch and back at Katniss and see why he is worried. She has dirt and bruises all over her face, she is pale and shivering, and she’s holding her arm at a strange angle. I try to pull both of us to our feet but she won’t release my neck. Johanna pries her fingers from my shirt and George helps me to my feet. I stumble a little and notice my prosthetic is a little bit damaged by the bullet. I don’t say anything about it as I limp to Katniss’s side.

“Let’s get you inside,” Johanna says softly, her arm around Katniss. 

“Peeta,” she croaks, searching for my hand.

“I’m here,” I assure her, my hand finding hers. I follow Johanna into our house and she sets to making tea. I lead Katniss upstairs where I strip her of the wet clothes she is in and help her dress in a pair of loose sweat pants and a baggy shirt. For good measure I pull one of my hooded jackets over her head and pull her into my chest. She coughs and it causes her entire body to shake. 

“Why don’t you take a bath and I’ll call your mother and let her know you are ok? I’ll bring you some tea and dinner.” 

“No. Stay with me.” Her fingers are buried in my shirt and I gently turn her face upwards so I can stroke her cheek.

“Katniss I’m not going anywhere. I want to take care of you, though. Why don’t you-“

“Hey,” Johanna’s voice says from the door. “Haymitch is on the phone with her mother. Anything specific she needs to know?”

“Katniss is sick,” I say immediately. “She’s been out in that barn for god knows how long. We need the healing tea, fast.” Johanna nods and disappears and Katniss’s lip trembles. I notice she is sweating and still she shivers. I pull her into the bathroom and run the water in our tub.

“Stay here and I’ll be right back,” I whisper before I kiss her and run out of the room. Johanna and George are waiting for me in the hallway.

“Gale wants to talk to her,” Johanna says bitterly. “He has questions about her captivity.”

“He can wait. She is going to take a bath and eat something first. I didn’t just get her back only to lose her again.” Johanna nods and I hurry downstairs, ignoring the odd limp in my leg. Thom hands me a tray that Johanna must have put together. I take the tea and biscuits back upstairs and see Katniss has not moved from her perch on the sink. I set the tray on the toilet and pull my jacket over her head. I undress her quickly and gently nudge her toward the tub. She climbs in and looks up at me, so I hurriedly fumble with my belt and shove my jeans and underwear down. I step into the hot water and throw my shirt to the side. I reach for the tray and hand her a cup of tea. She sips at it but her coughing gets worse every time she tries to take a drink. Finally she huffs and hands it to me and lays her head back on my chest. Sighing, I set the tea aside and wrap my arms around her, splashing small handfuls of warm water over her arms and chest. Her arm is still twisted at a strange angle over her stomach and I gently pick up her wrist. She lets out a cry and I gently move my fingers over her arm. 

“Is it broken?”

“I don’t think so. But I heard something snap so it could be some kind of fracture. The man twisted it really hard and…” she falls silent and my fists clench in anger. I’ll see to it these men are tried and punished for this. I call to Johanna, who taps on the door to let me know she is there.

“Her arm is also injured. I think she should just come here.” 

“She’s coming in the morning,” she calls back and I feel Katniss stir. 

“My mother?”

“Yes. She’s the best healer, we all know that. We can wrap it and ice it until she gets here.” It astounds me that Mrs. Everdeen didn’t come here when she heard her daughter went missing. Maybe she just couldn’t deal with the prospect of losing another daughter. That doesn’t make me feel any less sympathetic though. She’s as selfish as my own mother was. Katniss moans as she tries to move her arm a little and I shift her so she can be more comfortable. She closes her eyes and nuzzles against me. 

“I’m so tired, Peeta. Like I could close my eyes and just never wake up again.”

“Don’t you talk like that,” I say sharply. “After everything we have been through, you are going to let two District 13 psychopath assholes defeat you? Come on, Katniss. You’re stronger than this. You can fight this.”

“I’m so tired of fighting,” she whispers and I bite my lip when I see how pale she is. “It feels like it’s all I have done all my life. Fought for freedom, fought for love, fought for my life, fought for others’ lives. When does the fighting stop? Why, even years after the Games have ended, do I still feel like we are in that cave? We never left the arena.”

“Katniss,” I say gently, lifting her into my arms and turning her face so she will look at me. “We did leave. And we won. We protected each other and we are together. We continue to fight for a life together because we deserve it. We deserve to be happy. So I’ll never stop fighting for you. You have to stay strong and remember that I am lost without you. If you won’t fight for yourself, do it for me.”

“I love you, Peeta,” she says tiredly as she lays her cheek against my shoulder.

“I love you too.” I tenderly lift a cloth to wash the blood and dirt away and her eyes remain closed the whole time. I show her the utmost care, and I think back to the time when she washed me like this for the first time. She wouldn’t look my way, being squeamish about nudity but she showed me tenderness and care while she washed me in the river. She tried to tend to my wounds as best as she could. I still remember her face when she saw my leg for the first time. I swear I thought she would throw up all over the place. I think she did, actually, where I couldn’t see.

And then that morning when I woke up in the cave and found her lying in a pool of blood beside me. My fever had disappeared, the pain in my leg had faded to a dull ache, and the infection had gone down. I knew immediately that she had gone to the feast to get medicine for me. After I told her explicitly not to go. Then I remembered how she had drugged me with sleep syrup. I was furious and terrified that I would lose her. She seemed to be bleeding to death in my arms. I wrapped her head wound and held her close to my chest, whispering how much I needed her, how much I loved her. When she woke up, we had argued because I was still angry that she risked her life for me. She argued that I would have done it. Of course I would have. But Katniss should never risk her life for me. 

And now she has done it more times than I can count. I kiss her shoulder and have her lean up so I can get out and get dressed. When she climbs out of the tub, she looks dead on her feet. I dig around for bandages and things under our sink and manage to put her arm in a crude sort of sling. I’m sure someone else could have done it better but I decide it will do for tonight. Her mother will be able to help her more when she arrives tomorrow. Katniss looks like she is about to keel over so I lift her in my arms, wincing when I feel how light she is. I don’t know the last time she actually ate and I want her to eat something before she goes to sleep. But the moment her head hits the pillow, she starts snoring softly and I push her hair out of her eyes before giving her a gentle kiss and going back downstairs.   
Johanna, Haymitch, George, Gale, and his two soldiers are waiting for me in the kitchen. Thom and Brent had to get home. Delly is going to have the baby any day now and I know Brent doesn’t like to be away from her for too long. Johanna hands me a cup of tea and I gratefully sip.

“Where is she?” I look up at Gale, who is standing at the sink with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Sleeping. I tried to get her to come downstairs and eat but she just fell into bed. I’m sure it’s been awhile since she has had any decent rest.” Gale looks irritated but doesn’t say anything. One of his soldiers glances at us.

“President Paylor asks that you call her, Commander Hawthorne.” Gale nods and looks around.

“Can I borrow your phone, Peeta?”

“Course. Let me show you to the study.”

“I know where it is. This house is nearly identical to Katniss’s old one.” I don’t say anything as he stalks out of the room, his jaw tightened. I’m not sure exactly how much time Gale spent in Katniss’s house during our time apart and I don’t ask. Johanna, too, looks bothered by Gale’s comment. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

“That man doesn’t like losing.” One of the soldiers clears his throat and looks at her pointedly. Johanna’s eyes narrow.

“Don’t like me talking bad about your commander, Soldier? Get the hell over it. I’m here to take care of Katniss and Peeta. I don’t care about anyone else.” 

“Baby,” George tries to soothe her, rubbing her shoulders and she sighs. 

“Sorry. I’m just worried about Katniss. She didn’t look so good.”

“I’m going up to keep an eye on her. Do you guys need anything before I say goodnight?”

“Effie will be waiting for me so I’ll let her know everyone is ok. I heard a gunshot, Peeta, and saw sweetheart freaking out. Are you sure you’re ok?” To be honest, I’d forgotten about my prosthetic. I’ve been so focused on Katniss, I hadn’t bothered to check it for any damage.

“They shot me in the leg. My prosthetic leg,” I quickly correct at the look on their faces. “I’m fine but it may have done some damage. Maybe I can have Izzy send me a new one from the Capitol.” 

“I’ll call Aurelius as soon as I get home,” Haymitch says, nodding. “You should spend time with your wife.” I raise my brow at him. Maybe it’s because I just got shot, or just got my wife back, but he’s being uncharacteristically nice. He scowls at me and I have to laugh. He and Katniss are so much alike.

“Thanks Haymitch,” I say softly as I walk out of the room. I hear Gale talking in a low voice in the study and I hurry to our room before I can hear anything I’m not supposed to. Katniss is still sound asleep and I pull off my shirt and slide into bed beside her. She immediately nuzzles up to me and I pull her into my arms, my face resting in her hair. Occasionally she lets out a cough but seems ok for the most part. I avoid her injured arm as I hold her close, feeling sleep tugging at me as well. 

A knock at the door makes me jerk awake, which I’m grateful for. Nightmarish visions of what those two men could have done to Katniss haunted me all night and I tossed and turned, finally deciding to stay awake so I wouldn’t bother her. I quickly fling the blankets aside and glance down to see my wife is still sound asleep before I grab a robe and hurry downstairs.

Annie smiles at me when I open the door and I accept her hug.

“I’m so relieved she’s alright.”

“Thanks Annie. Hello Mrs. Everdeen. Please come in.”

“Peeta, really, isn’t it time you started calling me Mother?” I swallow and don’t say anything as I lead them into the living room. 

“Is she still sleeping?”

“I wanted to let her sleep as long as possible. I don’t think she’s slept for several days.” 

“I’ll start making my healing tea. Peeta, why don’t you make some breakfast? I had an early train and didn’t get to eat before I left.”

“Of course.” I hurry to the cabinets and start pulling things out to make pancakes. Annie follows us into the kitchen.

“I’m going to see if Finn is awake yet.”

“You’re welcome to bring him and Jo and George over for pancakes,” I say from the sink.

“I’ll do that. Be right back.” I hear the front door close quietly as Annie walks back to her house and I am left in the kitchen with my mother-in-law. We’re both quiet as we stir and she sighs deeply.

“I suppose she has already ranted and raved at you for leaving?” I gulp. I had hoped to avoid this conversation, having already been through it with Haymitch, Effe, Johanna, and Annie. Even Gale had very sharp words for me. Johanna threatened to cut certain body parts off if I ever left again. I really don’t want to do this with Katniss’s mother too. 

“Believe me, she let me have it. As did everyone else.” 

She lets out a soft “hmmm” but doesn’t say anything more. Her lips are thin and she looks disapproving. Really though, I don’t need a lecture from her. She’s hardly one to talk about abandoning Katniss. She doesn’t speak again until I am flipping the pancakes.

“You’re much better than I am, Peeta,” she says softly and I freeze. “Despite what has happened to you…what they put you through, you have stayed with her and continued to love her with fierce ardor. Your determination to keep her safe is why I have always admired you and the reason I am grateful you are in her life. She is lucky to have you, Peeta.”

I have heard this spoken more times than I can count. Still, my answer is always the same.

“I’m the lucky one, I promise you.” She smiles and pats my shoulder before turning back to her tea. I hear a soft knock on the door and look up to see Annie walking into the kitchen, followed by George and Johanna who is holding Finn. 

“Uncle Peeta!” I take the boy from Johanna and spin him around. He is getting so big and his bronze curls are identical to his father’s. Annie smiles as Finn and I laugh together.

“You hungry, Finn? I’m making my famous chocolate chip pancakes!”

“Yes! I love your pancakes!” I laugh, knowing he has never tasted my pancakes before but I love to spoil him with sweets from the bakery so he never questions it when I bring him something I baked. Annie pours everyone a glass of milk and I set the syrup on the table. Mrs. Everdeen pours the tea into a mug and hands it to me.

“You want to bring this to her? See if she will come downstairs and eat something.” I nod and take the steaming mug up to our bedroom. Katniss is bent over in bed, coughing and holding her hand to her mouth. When she lowers her hand, I see specks of red. My heart lurches and I immediately fall down beside her and wrap my arm around her.

“Here sweetheart, drink this. Your mother has made a whole pot of it.”

“She’s here,” she says weakly, her fumbling fingers gripping the mug. I hold it in my hands, keeping her from spilling it. 

“She just arrived a little while ago. She asked if you would come downstairs and eat something. I made your favorite. Chocolate chip pancakes.” 

“I’m really not hungry,” she says before she is seized by another round of coughs. 

“That’s the sickness talking. I’ll make you some soup. You really need to eat something.” She doesn’t argue so I help her slip on a robe and I quickly change into some jeans and a long sleeve flannel shirt while she sips her tea. She tries to braid her hair but gets frustrated when she can’t do it with one hand.

“Here, let me.” I move to sit behind her and part her hair into three pieces. It’s not neat by any standards but it will work and I feel proud as I slip the band into the end of her hair. She turns to smile at me and I try to ignore how pale she looks and how dark the circles are under her eyes.

“You’re just full of surprises.”

“I am. Come on, let’s get you downstairs.” She puts her legs over the side of the bed but as soon as she touches the floor, she crashes to her knees. She cries out in pain as she tries to use her injured arm to support herself and I am at her side in seconds. 

“I’ll carry you. Put your arm around my neck.” She does as I ask and I hand her the mug of tea so I can carry her down the stairs. She hides her face in the crook of my neck as I enter the room and everyone greets her with soft voices. Even Johanna is biting her lip nervously, watching Katniss with concern and tenderness. I gently place her in her favorite arm chair and stretch her legs out on the ottoman in front of her so she will be more comfortable. Annie must have told Finn to be quiet because he is watching Katniss with wide eyes but he is completely silent. 

“How are you feeling, Katniss,” Mrs. Everdeen asks softly. Katniss turns to her mother and blinks with exhaustion.

“Like death.”


	77. Chapter 77

All I want to do is sleep. Peeta insisted on getting me downstairs but I shiver when I see the living room full of people. I love all of these people but I really don’t want them to see me like this. I hate feeling so weak and helpless. I have never been good with letting people help me. Whenever I get sick, Peeta dotes on me like the most gentle of husbands and I know he stayed awake last night to keep an eye on me. His tired eyes tell me he still has not slept in quite some time. Still, he put on a smile this morning and brought me down to see my family. My mother rises from her chair and brushes my hair off my forehead.

“How are you feeling, Katniss?” I blink up at her and try to ignore the stabbing pain in my throat.

“Like death,” I croak out. Peeta sucks in a breath beside me and my mother strokes my face.

“Drink all of that tea. I’ll make some more and I have some medicines you need to take. Peeta why don’t you make her some soup? It will be easier on her stomach.” He nods and jumps to his feet but I shake my head.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Katniss, you must eat.”

“I said I’m not hungry,” my voice rises and I feel the tension in the room thicken. I try to clear my throat but that is just more painful. I see Finn out of the corner of my eye and he looks frightened. My face softens and I reach out for him.

“Hey Finn, how’s my little guy doing?”

“I missed you Aunt Niss,” he says quietly, taking a tentative step toward me. I smile.

“I missed you too. I’m ok though. Your Uncle Peeta took care of me.” I feel a tickle in my throat and I bend over, coughing into my hand. When I pull away I feel something hot and sticky. My fingers are coated in my own blood and I gasp. Peeta clears his throat and gives Johanna a pointed look. She sets down her plate and pats her lap.

“Hey Finn, why don’t you come with George and me to Colton’s barn? He invited us to see his new horse today!” 

“But…I wanted to see how Aunt Niss was doing,” he says uncertainly. I try to put on a brave smile.

“I’m doing just fine, Finn. I think I’m going to take a nap, ok? You and Mommy can come back for dinner later, would that be alright?” Finn nods and bites his lip.

“Take care of her, Uncle Peeta,” he tells Peeta as he follows Johanna and George out. Peeta ruffles his hair.

“I will, buddy. Say hi to Colton for me.”   
When they are gone, my mother swoops down on me.

“How long have you been coughing?”

“I don’t know. I have no idea how long I’ve been in that barn. Mom, my arm hurts the worst right now.” She gently takes it in her hands and I grimace. Peeta is standing over us, his eyes furrowed with concern and anxiety. 

“It doesn’t look broken but you might have fractured it. What happened to it?”

“Man twisted it,” I say through gritted teeth as she pokes and prods. I look up to see Peeta’s jaw clench and his face red with anger.

“We should probably take you to the hospital. They have machines and such to see if there is anything broken. And we need an X-ray of your lungs. I fear your sickness may be worse than we thought.” As if to prove her point, I cough again, spraying blood on the table. Mom bites her lip.

“It’s settled. We’re taking you to the hospital. Peeta, pack her a bag of clothes and get her anything she may need for a few days stay.”

“Mom, I don’t want to be there for a few days,” I protest and I feel Peeta’s hand on my hair.  
“Honey listen to your mother. I’ll be with you the whole time, I promise.” He presses a kiss to my hair and hurries off to do as my mother says. She’s kneeling in front of me now, peering into my eyes. 

“These stitches should have come out some time ago,” she says more to herself than to me.

“Yeah well, it’s difficult to get stitches out when you’re tied up in a barn,” I snap. Peeta returns quickly and he waits by the chair for further instructions. 

“Can you carry her to the car?”

“Of course.” He bends next to me and waits for me to put my arms around his neck. Instead, I cross my arms over my chest.

“Katniss,” he sighs with a bite of impatience. I know I’m acting like a petulant child right now but I don’t care. He shakes his head and hoists me into his arms, trying to avoid my injured arm. I hiss in pain as I am jostled and a pain shoots from my wrist to my elbow. His face softens.

“Sorry. Would you start cooperating a little, Mrs. Mellark? Or you going to be difficult the entire time?”

“Going to be difficult,” I say without missing a beat. He stifles a smile.

“Have it your way then.” He kisses me on the cheek before he carries me to the car and belts me in. In no time, we are at the hospital. 

I hate hospitals. Despite the fact that my mother works in one, and Prim would have worked here as well, I don’t do well around the sick and wounded. Enough people know that about me. Besides, hospitals are new to the districts. Before the War, we treated our sick and wounded at home. Or died at home. Not in a clean, white building. I hate the smells, I hate the way people are fake cheerful and I hate the sight of the clean, sterile rooms. I’m terrified this will send Peeta into a flashback but he keeps a firm grip on me and refuses to put me down, even when a doctor offers him a wheelchair. A nurse leads us into a room and Peeta helps me onto the table. I see him clench his fists several times and squeeze his eyes shut but then he looks at me and his eyes are as blue as ever. He’s holding it together for me. He’s doing everything he can to fight it. I rest my hand over his and entwine our fingers. He kisses my knuckles and kneels beside the table. I hear Mom talking to the nurse in quiet voices and I tune them out. I tug Peeta up to me and he sits on the table beside me so I can rest my head on his shoulder. When the nurse moves forward, Peeta jumps off the table and moves to my side.

“Alright Katniss, I’m just going to check your lungs and then we will get an X-ray of that arm, alright?” I nod, not really caring what they do. I feel terrible. My head is pounding, my throat feels like I swallowed glass, and my arm feels like tiny needles are sticking me all over. She leans over and peers into my eyes. She checks my breathing, then she rolls this massive machine toward me and starts lifting my shirt. She turns to my mother and nods, then hurries out of the room.

“Glad no one is going to tell me anything,” I say grumpily and I see mom shoot me a disapproving look. Peeta’s thumb rubs over my knuckles.

What seems like hours later, the doctor comes in and introduces herself. She shakes Peeta’s hand and smiles at mom. 

“Katniss, Nurse Farrah gave me notes on your arm and your stitches. Is there anything else that happened that I should know about?” I blink at her.

“Like what?”

“Anything those men did to you. We need to have an account of any and all injuries they may have caused.” I glance at Peeta, then back at the doctor.

“Um…not really. They just…drugged me and wouldn’t let me have anything to eat or drink for a long time.” She bites her lip and glances quickly at Peeta before she leans closer.

“Did they do anything else?” I hear Peeta suck in a sharp breath and I look quickly at him but see him looking at the floor. I blink in confusion. Didn’t I just tell her what they did?

“I’m not sure what you’re asking here.”

“Katniss,” mom says softly. “Did those men…did they force you to do anything…to them?” I think I’m finally catching up; it certainly would explain why Peeta looks like he is on the verge of a flashback. I shake my head back and forth.

“No. No, nothing like that.” The doctor nods, looking relieved. Peeta looks at me with tears in his eyes.

“Alright. I’m going to give you a sedative so we can set your arm, alright? This will sting for just a minute.” I’m so used to needles in my arms that I hardly feel it. Peeta rubs at the spot with a careful touch and I feel even more tired than I already did. But I don’t want to go to sleep. What if I wake up and Peeta isn’t here? What if the hospital proves to be too much and he goes into a flashback and I can’t help him? I try to squeeze his fingers but he is right above me, his face starting to swim.

“Just rest, love. I told you I would be right here and I will. Always.” His lips on my forehead are the last thing I register before I am pulled under.

 

I have been in this hospital room for three days and my temper has not improved in the slightest. Mom is tired of my irritable attitude and avoids my room. Peeta has kept his promise and has not left my side. I try to soften my words when I speak to him and I think he can tell I am trying not to take it out on him. I have woken up screaming from my nightmares, only to spend several hours crying into his chest. He holds me close and rubs my back, whispering how much he loves me. It’s just like when he first returned. When we first started to improve. How can it be years later and I feel like we have regressed? Does life ever get easier?

I don’t want any visitors. Annie, Haymitch, and Johanna have stopped by but Peeta has politely told them that I’m resting. I know Finn must be worried. George is watching him at the moment and they tell me he keeps asking if I’m ok. I guess it’s scary when your aunt disappears for several weeks and then reappears looking like hell. He’s a smart kid and as he gets older, he gets smarter. Annie told him about the Games last year. He still asks questions, some things he still doesn’t understand. 

At the moment, Peeta is asleep in the chair next to me. I look over and see how peaceful he looks. In spite of my situation, I have to smile. As if he knows I am watching him sleep, his eyes flutter and he looks up at me. His tired face breaks into a smile.

“Hey beautiful. What are you smiling about?”

“You,” I say simply. He moves to my side and I make room for him on the bed. It takes some maneuvering but we get situated and he sits behind me, holding me against his chest. At first I refused to let him touch me. I don’t want him getting sick too, especially since pneumonia is contagious. But Doctor Lewis gave him some kind of shot that I suppose acts as a vaccine. He slept in my bed two nights ago and now I let him hold me whenever he wants. I already feel myself getting better, and my arm has been set in a cast and a sling so I won’t move it so much. Peeta’s fingers trail up and down my good arm and I close my eyes at his caresses. 

“I hate seeing you sick or in pain,” he says softly in my ear.

“I’m getting better though. You have been so wonderful. I know I have treated you terribly.” He cups my chin and turns my face so he can kiss my nose.

“It’s ok. I’ll let it slide since you’re sick.” He grins and winks to let me know he is teasing. 

“How does your face feel,” he asks sadly as his fingers gently trace across my face. The stitches in my brow and lip had not been taken out in time and had to be removed as soon as I got to the hospital. Unfortunately the one across my brow has resulted in yet another bad scar. Add it to my collection, I think sadly, I have plenty. But Peeta gets really sad and tentative whenever it is brought it up. He didn’t know until we stayed here the extent of the damage he had done that day in the woods. We don’t talk about it except when I assured him I was perfectly fine. 

“Just fine. I wasn’t even thinking about my face, to be honest. You know I have dealt with more pain than this in my life.” His mouth thins and he lowers his head. I twist around so I can look up into his eyes.

“Hey,” I say firmly. “Don’t. Don’t worry about it.”

“But--“

“No. Just don’t.” He nods, looking resigned, and rests his chin on my head, his arms wrapping around me tighter. We’re interrupted by a knock at the door and Mom and the nurse come in.

“Sorry to interrupt. We brought you some lunch.” My appetite has slowly come back but I still hate hospital food. Peeta has promised to make me a huge batch of cheesebuns and pretty much whatever else I want the moment we get home. They move the tray in front of me and I wrinkle my nose at my lump of a dinner.

“Katniss,” Mom says firmly. “You need to eat. You’re still fighting this sickness. Peeta, someone out here is asking for you.” 

“Um, who?”

“I’m not sure but I told him I would pass on the message. He says come to room 403 when you have a chance.” I lean up so Peeta can get off the bed and he kisses my cheek.

“Eat your lunch and I’ll be right back, ok?” I nod, my mouth full of the flavorless meat and I resist gagging. When Mom and the nurse are gone, I hide the meat in a napkin and tuck it under my pillow. I smile as I vaguely remember something similar from my childhood. I shared a bed with Prim when we were little, and when Dad brought home bread from the bakery, Prim and I would steal a chunk and hide it under our pillow. One day we had forgotten we hid some until we moved the pillows to change the sheet and found the most disgusting piece of mold I had ever seen. I chuckle softly as I sip my water. Peeta re-enters and quirks a brow.

“What’s so funny?”

“Um…I was just remembering something from when I was a kid.” He sits beside me and takes my hand.

“Tell me.” Before I can speak, he reaches under my pillow and pulls the napkin out. I bite my lip to keep my laughter in as he gives me a skeptical look.

“I know it’s not up to the level of my cooking but you have to eat something.”

“I ate the rest of it! The meat is just gross.” He shakes his head as he tosses it into the trash.

“So tell me this happy childhood memory. “

“When we were little, Dad sometimes brought bread home from the bakery. Prim and I were so in love with those breads that we would steal a huge chunk and hide it in a napkin under our pillow for later. We forgot it one day and discovered it weeks later.” His nose wrinkles as he smiles.

“Ew. Bet that was a disgusting find.”

“Prim actually screamed. We didn’t have bread that often so when he brought it home, it was a treat.”

“I remember your dad coming in to buy bread,” he says wistfully. “I wasn’t allowed to do any of the important jobs in the bakery, Mom thought I would ruin everything but Dad let me sweep and clean the cases. Our dads always shook hands, laughed at each other’s jokes. Mom always stayed upstairs, because, you know, he was Seam. But I loved watching them interact. Merchant and Seam, shaking hands. I often think about what they would say if they saw us today.” 

“They would be happy for us. They are happy for us,” I correct myself and he smiles and nods.

“I think so too. Speaking of happy, it was Brent who was asking about me.” I sit up and my eyes widen.

“Delly?”

“Dex Brenton Canterbee was born this morning. Delly is still sleeping.” I feel a rush of joy for my friends. 

“Did you see him? Is Brent holding him?” Peeta nods as his fingers rake over my knuckles.

“He’s so beautiful! He looks like Delly, with round cheeks but with dark hair. He’s sleeping in Brent’s arms.”

“Oh my goodness. I’m so happy for them.” He smiles and it is a genuine smile. He kisses my palm and leans back in his chair.

“I just spoke to your nurse and she says you’re healing nicely. I think they’re going to let you go home in a day or so.”

“Thank god,” I huff and he chuckles. I look into his eyes and see them soften.

“Thank you for staying with me,” I say gently.

“Always Katniss,” he says and I see the love blazing in his eyes. 

The next day, I am barely coughing and Peeta asks if I want to walk around the room. I’m really shaky and have to hold onto him firmly but he helps me and I don’t tire right away. We’re both really happy with my improvement. Doctor Lewis comes in to say she is happy to see I am getting better and if I want to, I can go home tomorrow. I jump at the suggestion and she asks if Peeta wants to take me into the hall. We wind up going to room 403, where the little family is huddled together on the bed. It’s such a beautiful sight, I don’t want to intrude but Delly looks up and she lets out a squeal.

“Katniss! Peeta! Come in, please!”

“We didn’t want to interrupt Del, but we wanted to see how you were since you were asleep yesterday when I stopped by.”

“Brent said you were here too! How are you feeling, Katniss?” 

“Much better Delly, thank you. I don’t want to get too close, though, since I may still be sick.” 

“I’m sure you will be babysitting quite often,” Delly says with a grin. Peeta lifts me into his arms and we stand near the bed so I can see the baby. Peeta is right, he does look like Delly. I wouldn’t call him beautiful, because are any babies really beautiful? 

\---------------------------------------------  
“Isn’t she beautiful, Katniss? Look. It’s your sister.”

My nose wrinkles at the sight of the squawling baby. It’s slimy and bloody and it won’t stop screaming. I look at my father and scowl.

“It’s not beautiful. It’s ugly.

“SHE is your baby sister, my flower. All babies are beautiful because they are new life. They are blessings in this cold, cruel world. Here, why don’t you hold her? Put your hand under her head, like this. Good, flower. And cradle her like this.” As soon as the baby is put in my arms, she stops crying. She gazes up at me with big blue eyes, even bluer than my mother’s. I stare down at her and can’t help but smile.

“Hi baby. I’m your big sister. I guess you’re not so ugly.” 

“We have another flower, Katniss,” my mother says gently. Not that my name is really a flower, more like an ugly plant, but I still like the nickname my father gave me. 

“Her name is Primrose.” 

“Prim,” I shorten it and look back down at the baby. “Hi Prim. I’m Katniss, your sister. And I’ll never let anything happen to you.”  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
I choke out a sob as I come back to the present and feel Peeta watching me with worried eyes. 

“S-sorry. My arm,” I hastily lie and Delly gives me a sad smile.

“When are they letting you go home?”

“Tomorrow,” Peeta says and Brent rubs his son’s head. 

“They’re letting Delly go home tomorrow too. Maybe next week you can both come by to see him?” 

“We’d like that. I’d better get Katniss back in bed though. Love you, Del.”

“Love you, Peeta! And you Katniss!” I wave as Peeta carries me back to my room and I hide my tears in his shirt. I know he knows though. As usual, he doesn’t push the subject. 

That night, though, the tears come and Peeta holds me while I talk about Prim. My mother is nowhere to be found so I tell him how I always thought of her as my daughter. After our father died and Mom essentially left us, I became even more of a mother to Prim. Peeta holds my face in his hands and wipes my tears with his thumb. He places tender loving kisses all over my face, telling me why he loves me. My heart is so filled with love for this sweet man that I fall into his arms, exhausted, and go straight to sleep.

When Dr. Lewis comes in to tell me I can go home, I practically jump out of bed. Peeta sets a hand on my arm and he smiles.

“Slowly, love. Let’s get you dressed.” I still have trouble with my cast so he helps me dress and I quickly shovel some cereal into my mouth.

“Katniss, you need to take it easy for several more days,” Dr. Lewis tells me. “No hunting, no long walks outside, and no strenuous activity. Get plenty of sleep and make sure to eat every meal. I’m sending these antibiotics home with you and you will get sick if you take them on an empty stomach.” Peeta pockets the pills and shakes her hand.

“Thank you for everything, Dr. Lewis.”

“It’s my pleasure. Call me if you need anything, Katniss. Take care of yourself.” Peeta helps me outside and I lean on him for support. Mom brings the car around and Peeta sits behind the wheel. I don’t think Mom is too comfortable with these cars yet. We didn’t really have any in 12 and only a few years ago did people start to get them. 

Peeta lets me lean on him as we follow Mom into our house. He asks if I want to go up to bed but I shake my head and sit on the couch. Mom stands over me and sighs.

“I’m glad you’re better, Katniss. I really need to get back to the hospital though.” I nod and my shoulders slump. She only comes to see me when I’m sick. And she never stays more than a few days. She kisses the top of my head and goes to get her bag.

“I’ll see you soon, dear.”

“Can I drive you to the train station?”

“No, no Peeta, you stay with her. Take care of her, alright?” 

“Yes ma’am,” I hear him say. He closes the door behind Mom and I lean against the couch, closing my eyes. I feel him settle next to me, and he pulls me into his arms, his legs stretched out in front of him on the couch. His fingers make gentle patterns on my arm.

“Alone at last,” he mutters.

“Mm,” is all I can get out and he chuckles as he kisses my cheek. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to go up and get some sleep?”

“I’m actually a little hungry,” I confess, and at the same time, my stomach decides to growl loudly. He chuckles in my ear and moves to get up.

“I know just what my girl needs.” He kisses my nose and shuffles into the kitchen. I wait patiently until I start to smell the delicious aroma of cheesebuns wafting toward me. When he emerges from the kitchen, he has a plate of cheesebuns and some bacon on the side. He smiles when he sees how I am sitting up excitedly.

“Have I told you lately that you are my favorite person in the world,” I say as he sets the plate in front of me. He grins.

“You haven’t actually.”

“Well you are. Not just because of these either,” I grab a bun and bite into it, closing my eyes as the cheese oozes out and dribbles down my chin. He laughs and reaches over to clean me up.

“I’m glad I can make you this happy,” he says softly and I look up into his eyes. They are soft and full of love. I see my Peeta, the old Peeta, pre-hijacking Peeta. He’s coming back to me more and more and I’m grateful that I can give him reasons to live again. He settles beside me again and drapes his arm on the couch. I lean back into him, munching on the cheesebuns and I tuck my feet under me, as he pulls me into his side. Now that I have eaten I feel sleepy and content. He tucks me into his side, his arm wrapping me in his warmth and I slowly drift off with my snack still in my hand.


	78. Chapter 78

Soft whimpers wake me up and all I see is darkness. Something is covering my eyes and I toss my head, trying to regain my vision. I try to speak but there is rope cutting into my mouth. 

“What are you doing,” I hear a voice not far from me.

“What does it look like I’m doing,” another snaps and I hear more whimpers and muffled cries. 

“You’re an idiot. Her husband is sitting right across from you!”

“And he’s sleeping. And tied up. Here girlie, stop struggling.” I hear a sharp slap and I am incensed. 

“You used to be quite a looker, little mockingjay. Now you’re just one big mess of scars. Are those scars all over your body though? Let’s see how far down they go.” I am sure they will hear my heavy breathing and my pounding heart. I hear one of the men whistle.

“Now that’s a nice rack and it’s not completely damaged. I could put a bag over your head and be just fine. Bet your mouth works just fine, though, don’t it?” I start in my ropes as I hear a zipper and another sharp slap.

“Please don’t do this,” I hear my wife’s trembling voice. They’re speaking in hushed voices, as if not to wake me. 

“Oh I’m sure you’re used to this, now, aren’t you? He don’t make you do this?”

“He’s my husband,” Katniss snaps. “He doesn’t make me do anyth--“ her words are cut off and she is gagged by something. I feel a sick feeling in my stomach as I imagine I know exactly what that something is. I twist around in my ropes, trying to be subtle and quiet. I won’t listen to these men violate my wife. I’m going to kill them both with my bare hands.

“You fucking bitch,” he yells followed by several loud slaps. I smile in spite of myself, knowing Katniss must have bit him. I hope he bleeds. 

“You bite me again and I will put a bullet into his pretty little head,” he growls. Doesn’t take a genius to know who he is referring to.

I hear Katniss gagging and the disgusting sound of her choking on something. 

“Shit yes,” the man grunts. I fight with my ropes even harder. Grunts and groans fill the room and I try to squeeze my eyes shut, wanting to block out the sounds. Wishing I could block them out. Katniss’s soft cries come soon after and she lets out another surprised cry. I hear thumps against the wall and her gasps.

“No! No don’t do this! Get your fucking hands off me!”

“Hand me that bag. It’ll muffle her cries.” Enraged, I struggle in my ropes and yell into my gag. 

“Oh. Looks like someone is awake.” A hand buries itself in my hair and pulls upward, yanking me to my knees. My blindfold is ripped off and I blink, trying to regain my bearings. My eyes narrow on the sight before me. Katniss is naked, with ropes wrapped around her chest and legs, her hands bound behind her back. She is bent over the feeding trough, with a rough bag stuffed over her head. I scream obscenties into my gag and try to stand up but the hand that still holds my curls pushes me back to the ground. One of them comes into my sight and approaches Katniss. My blood boils when I see him run his hands down her back and slap her ass. She jumps and tries to arch her back but he holds her head down. All I see is red. I have never wanted to kill anyone more than I do now. The man who holds me down chuckles softly and I wince at the familiar soft laughter. The smell of roses invades my nostrils and I scream when he lowers his face in front of mine. Snake-like lips that turn up in a poisonous smile. Eyes glittering with malice. I gag at the smell of roses and he chuckles softly.

“Well well, Mr. Mellark. What have we here? And here I thought you would do anything to protect Miss Everdeen.” I hear her scream against the bag and I refuse to look her way. Snow’s hand grips my curls and yanks my head up.

“I will destroy you both,” he says with a cruel smile. I remember those words so well. He walks away from me and goes to stand next to Katniss. I don’t see what happens but the splatter of blood that appears on the floor of the barn makes me sick to my stomach and I collapse on my stomach.

 

I wake in a cold sweat, panting and heaving for breath. Something warm stirs beside me and I look over into Katniss’s sleepy eyes.

“Peeta, what’s wrong?”

“I…I just…”

“Come here,” she holds out her arms and I nuzzle into her. Her heart beats underneath my ear and I sigh at its strength. She runs her fingers through my hair and I pant against her chest. My throat is on fire, as if I have been screaming the whole time. I think I may have. I never did before. I mean, whenever I had nightmares, I woke up tossing and turning and was better when I saw Katniss next to me. Now that the nightmares are so vivid and it takes me a moment to realize most of them are not real, I wake up screaming and thrashing. Katniss reaches over to the table and brings a cup of water to my lips. I sip gratefully and sigh as my parched throat relaxes. 

“You’re ok,” she whispers into my hair. “I won’t let anything happen to you.” I wrap my arms around her waist, not having the strength to correct her. She should know my most terrible nightmares are when something happens to her, not to me. But I don’t argue. She gently rocks me back and forth and I feel myself drifting off again. When I wake up, we are sleeping face to face, our arms wrapped around each other. I raise my head off the pillow to see her face just inches from mine. I turn to glance out the window and see the sun is already up. I gently disentangle myself from her embrace and hurry down to the kitchen to start on breakfast. While the bacon is cooking I hurry to the study to call the bakery and let them know I won’t be coming in again. My employees understand that my wife comes first and Rory tells me to tell Katniss hello.

When I come back up with a tray of food, I see she is sitting up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“I slept so late,” she complains.

“You did not. It’s barely past 8. And you need to rest more. I already called into the bakery so I’ll just stay in bed with you if that’s what you want. Here, why don’t we have some breakfast?” I climb onto the bed and set the tray on our knees. She pouts a little and I frown.

“What’s wrong?”

“I haven’t gotten a good morning kiss in awhile.” I roll my eyes but laugh. I’d have never expected this much affection to come from Katniss Everdeen. But I have to say Katniss Mellark loves to show me how much she loves me. I have to say, I love who this beautiful woman has become. I lean over and kiss her and despite the morning breath that neither of us can hide, we linger and I deepen the kiss. Her hand rests on my cheek and I take it and kiss her palm. I reach over and grab the bottles of pills from the table, pouring several into my hand and passing them to her.

“Take these with breakfast.”

“Peeta, I can’t eat all this.”

“Eat what you can. I wasn’t sure what you would want.” I kiss her forehead before I dig into my pancakes. She tosses the pills back and takes a gulp of milk before she grabs a piece of bacon. I know her appetite hasn’t completely returned yet but Mrs. Everdeen stressed the importance of keeping food in her stomach. I watch her to make sure she eats and smile when she devours the pancakes completely. When we finish, I take the tray back downstairs and climb back into bed with her. We haven’t gotten to do this in such a long time, and it’s nice to just enjoy her company. I am spooning her with one of my hands resting on her stomach and the other entwined with hers on the pillow. I inhale her sweet smell as her hair is spread over the pillow. I move closer and move her hair aside so I can place soft kisses on her neck and along her jawline. She moans and presses back against me, eliciting a soft groan. She glances at me over her shoulder and raises her brow.

“Do you think this counts as strenuous activity?” Despite my current arousal, I nod.

“Sex is exhausting. And I don’t need you more tired and to get sick again. We can wait.” She pouts and I laugh. I swoop down and kiss her lips and settle back behind her.

“Rest Katniss. Rest and get better. Just think of all the sex we will have to make up for lost time.” A little sound escapes her throat and makes me clench my jaw. She presses against me and her hips are cradled in mine. Dammit I need to go back to sleep or we will have some major problems. She sighs and settles in my arms, gripping my bicep as she drifts off to sleep. I’m not far behind her.

The next several days go by slowly, especially for Katniss, who has never done well with resting and lying around the house. She always needs to be up doing something and we both go crazy if we are stuck in the house for too long. I carry her downstairs so she won’t feel confined to the bed but I still don’t want her to leave the house. Annie, Finn, Johanna and George all joined us for lunch yesterday and Katniss seemed to smile a lot more. Finn clung to her legs and begged her not to go anywhere again. She looked like she would cry as she bent down to hug the little boy.

“I’m not going anywhere, little guy,” she assured him. After they left, Katniss wanted to take a bath and I agreed to help her since her arm is still in the cast. She’s getting stronger as the days pass. 

Gale has stopped by several times, but I always tell him Katniss is still in bed. I know he wants to question her about her kidnapping and I tell him not right now. He’s angry with me, I can tell, but once upon a time, he did actually care about her health and sanity. I’m sure he still does. But he’s pissing me off every time he comes asking if she’s ready to talk. I’ll keep him away for as long as I can. Katniss doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to talk about what happened to her and I won’t push her. 

About a week after she was released from the hospital, Katniss sits up in bed and I set my book aside and reach out for her. She lowers into my arms and lays her head on my bare chest.

“I need to get out of this house, Peeta,” she says softly and I sigh.

“Babe you’re still not 100% better--“

“Please. You can carry me everywhere if you want to. I just need some fresh air. We can go see Delly and the baby,” she suggests and my heart skips. I’d forgotten we promised Delly and Brent we would be by to see Dex. Finally I agree and we hurry to get dressed. I make sure she is bundled up well and I carry her out to the car. The district is covered in a blanket of fresh snow and I shiver as I close the door and start the car. 

Delly and Brent don’t live too far from the bakery. There were discussions of them rebuilding the Undersee house but Delly asked Brent if they could build elsewhere. Brent agreed and as Brent’s brother, Thom was in charge of the construction. Katniss stares out the window as I drive in silence. 

When we arrive, Katniss starts to get out but I lay a hand on her arm and she looks at me questioningly.

“You said you would let me carry you.” She rolls her eyes and shakes her head at me.

“I was joking, Peeta, I can walk you know.”

“I know. But I’d still like to carry you. You agreed.” She throws her hands up in the air and shakes her head.

“Fine.” I get out of the car and go to her side and bend down so my face is inches from hers.

“Allow me the luxury of protecting my wife, please?” And I kiss her before she can protest. Her lips twitch and her eyes sparkle as she stares at me.

“Alright. I’ll allow it.” Smiling, I gather her in my arms and kick the door closed behind me. She reaches out to ring the bell as I hold her against my chest. Brent opens the door and gives us a broad smile. I can detect dark circles under his eyes. The joys of a newborn, I suppose. 

“Peeta! Katniss, it’s so wonderful to see you both. Please come in. Delly will be so pleased to see you.” He leads us inside and I marvel at the size of the house. It’s not far off from our Victor’s houses and I briefly wonder how Brent feels living here. I had a hard enough time adjusting to the sheer size of my new house and I wasn’t from the Seam. I remember Katniss telling me she needed other people to live there with her so it wouldn’t seem so big. I didn’t have that luxury. I had of course invited my family to live with me as soon as I returned from the Games. Mother would have nothing to do with Victor’s Village. 

“I won’t live so near to Seam trash,” she sniffed and I had to keep myself from slapping her. 

“I’d watch what I say from now on,” I snapped. “She’s a Victor and deserves to be respected as such.”

“Oh she’s just after your money,” she said nastily. “A greedy little Seam harlot looking for more money.” I had lost it at that moment. I told her under no circumstances was she to ever step a foot in Victor’s Village again. I invited Dad and my brothers but they rarely visited me. If I wanted to see my family, I had to make the trip to Merchant Circle. Before we left for the Quarter Quell, I had tried to leave the house to Dad but of course the Capitol had rules against that. If anything happened to Katniss, Prim and her mother would have to move back to the Seam too. Such was the way of the Capitol’s rule over us. 

I feel Katniss’s hand on my arm and my head shoots up. She looks up at me with concern but I shake my head, assuring her I’m ok. Brent leads us into the living room where Delly sits in a rocking chair with her sleeping son in her arms. She smiles up at us and looks exhausted.

“Oh it’s so good to see you,” she whispers. “How are you feeling Katniss?” 

“Much better, Delly, thank you. How’s the little family doing?”

“We’re perfect. Espeically since we finally got him to sleep,” she shoots her husband a smile and he perches on the arm of the chair, draping his arm around his wife. I feel bad for breaking into the personal time. With Dex asleep, they could have a few minutes of sleep. I don’t bother to sit down. Delly looks up at me and motions for me to sit but I shake my head.

“We should have called, I’m sorry.”

“Nonsense Peeta. You’re welcome to sit and stay awhile.”

“You should take advantage of his quiet time,” I say, glancing down at the sleeping babe. “If you’re feeling up to it, we would love to have you over for dinner Monday night.”

“We’d love that,” Delly says softly and I nod with a smile.

“Great. We will see you then. Get some rest, Del.” She grins and blows me a kiss as she gazes down at her son. Brent is staring down at the babe as well and I hurry to excuse myself from the private moment. Katniss’s arms wrap around my neck and she leans up to kiss my cheek as I carry her back toward the car. 

I start to drive back home when I hear her breath hitch.

“Peeta…can we…stop at the Square?” I shoot her a surprised look, my brow raised high, but I nod and change my course. She doesn’t look at me and continues to stare out the window. I wonder what is going through her head. Why she all of a sudden wants to stop and see the memorial. 

Paylor was true to her word and started construction on the memorials in each district about a year and a half ago. I was the one who designed the plans, with help from Haymitch. Who knew he was such a designer? I asked Katniss for her input but she shut down every time I brought it up. I submitted the plans to Paylor’s office eight months ago and a construction team came the very next day for a consultation. I was personally shocked at how quickly they finished. Paylor herself came for the unveiling and asked me to make a speech.

Katniss would not leave our bed. I begged her to be by my side, that this was to honor everyone we had lost, and still she didn’t move. Everyone in 12 had come out to hear my speech and to see the memorial unveiled. No one left the Square with dry eyes. Everyone commended Haymitch and me on our work. And they could not stop thanking us for our part in the rebellion. But to this day, Katniss has not gone near the memorial. 

So I’m sort of shocked that she wants to see it today. I don’t hesitate though. I drive straight to the Square and park the car at the end of the path. Katniss hesitates as she opens the car door and I hurry around to her side to help her up. She leans on me but gives me a look and I don’t try to lift her up. She holds my arm as she leans against the car for a moment, her eyes traveling up the stone path. 

The pathway leading up to the memorial is made of concrete squares with names etched into each one. The names of the fallen mark the path all the way up to the great stone figures standing in the center of the town square. Primroses of every color are planted along the pathway and candles sit near the memorial, ready to be lit each and every evening. Brent helped me locate old records that somehow survived the bombing, with names of the residents of District 12. With Paylor’s help, we were able to discover who were the deceased and etched their names into the stone path. Trembling fingers close around my arm and we slowly make our way down the pathway. 

I wrap my arm around her waist and she leans into me, and I can feel her shivering. We stand in the middle of the square and she gazes up at the three figures who stand, hand in hand, on top of the pedestal. She lets go of my hand and walks closer, standing directly in front of the statues. A little girl with her hair in two braids, her shirt slightly untucked from her skirt in the back. A tall man wearing an apron, with a kind face and gentle eyes. And lastly, a little boy with long hair and baggy pants, a mischevious smile playing around his lips. The man stands in the middle and holds the hands of the children, protecting them. Around them, are smaller busts of other familiar faces. Finnick, Rue, my brothers, my mother, Madge, Cinna and Portia, Boggs, Leeg, Lavinia and Darius, Messala, Mitchell, and Castor, Cora’s brother Carlo, Althea, Mayor Undersee and his wife, Wiress, the two Morphlings, Haymitch’s mother, and so many more. Katniss has silent tears running down her face as she reaches out to touch her sister’s stone face. I had drawn Prim with soft features and a kind smile because that’s how I’ll always remember her. I had an easy time with my father too but Haymitch had to help me draw his brother. In the end, he said it looked perfect but I was scared I wouldn’t get it right. I think the artist did a great job on the busts too. So many to honor for their sacrfices and so many we still couldn’t thank in this memorial. I put my hand on her shoulder and she turns to look at me with glassy eyes. I motion for her to follow me and I lead her around the back of the memorial. Near the edge is a bust of another kindly-looking man. I’m not sure how she can tell, since it is stone and all I had was an old picture to go on, but she immediately knows who it is and falls to her knees. I kneel beside her and cradle her in my arms. She turns and weeps in my shirt and I tighten my hold around her. 

I sense someone nearby and I hide her in my chest, ready to defend her if need be. I catch sight of a young boy and a young girl standing at the end of the path, looking hesitant. The girl is a Merchant and the boy is from the Seam. They look at me nervously before they move forward, holding a lit match away from their bodies. I watch them light the candles and finally, they light the large candle in front of the memorial. They both give me small smiles before they move away. I rock Katniss back and forth and encourage her to lift her head, to see the beautiful glow around us. She sniffles and gasps when she notices the candles are lit. I lift her up and carry her back around to the front of the memorial and settle on the cold pavement, helping her get comfortable in my lap. We stare up at Prim, my father, and little Ralph for the longest time. Only when I do notice it has started to snow do I move. I grasp her hand and squeeze.

“Ready to go home?” She nods and I lift us to our feet. She leans into me and I wrap my jacket around her as we make our way back to the car. 

When we pull up in front of our house we see Haymitch pacing on his front porch, wringing his hands nervously. Katniss and I exchange puzzled looks. I don’t think we have ever seen him like this. I wrap my arm around her as we make our way over to him. His head shoots up as if we startled him.

“Where you kids been?”

“Went to see Delly and the baby,” I mutter, glancing sideways at Katniss. “And the memorial.” Haymitch’s brow raises.

“Oh yeah. What’d ya think, sweetheart?”

“It’s so beautiful,” she says softly. “You all did a wonderful job.”

“It was all your boy. I just helped acquire records from the Capitol. I think it’s pretty perfect though,” he says with a nod in my direction. I give him a grateful smile and Katniss leans into my side.

“Uh, what are you kids doing tonight?” 

“I was going to make some dinner while Katniss takes a bath,” I say, raising my brow at his nervous tone.

“Why don’t you come in for dinner? Effie cooked and I don’t want to be the only one dropping dead from food poisoning.”

“I just spent a week in the hospital, Haymitch,” Katniss says crossly. “If I drop dead, I will spend the afterlife making your afterlife hell.” I try not to laugh while Haymitch shakes his head.

“I don’t doubt it sweetheart. She’s actually a great cook. How do you think I have lost so much weight?” He pats his stomach, which was once a lot plumper than it is now. He’s right, he has maintained a healthy weight and I haven’t once seen a drink in his hands since Katniss and I were rescued. I’m truly happy they have found one another. He’s still sarcastic and rude but I know she has softened him up. He holds the door open for us and gestures us in. 

Effie enters the room looking beautiful in a simple blue dress. Her hair is a normal shade of blonde and is curled around her shoulders. I’d never realized how pretty she is, without all of the Capitol décor and make up and wigs. She leans in to kiss Katnis’ss cheek, then mine.

“I’m so glad you darlings could come tonight.” Haymitch wraps his arm around her waist and smiles nervously. I look from Effie to Haymitch and back to Effie, wondering what is going on. Haymitch clears his throat.

“I’m starving, so let’s hurry up and eat!” I pull the chair out for Katniss and sit beside her. Effie and Haymitch set platters on the table and I raise my brow at how grand ths meal seems. Katniss looks up at Effie with a quirked brow.

“Rack of lamb?” 

“Mm. I’ve developed quite a fondness for it as well,” Effie says, bowing her head. Haymitch pops a cork and holds the wine bottle out before pouring a glass for Effie. He offers it to Katniss and me but we both shake our heads. Katniss is still on several medications and I don’t want to be light-headed in the slightest. Haymitch sits and raises his glass to Effie.

“To Princess here. To you, Sweetheart. And to you kid. My family. I would honestly be lost without you all,” he drinks quickly, his cheeks flushing at his own words. Katniss looks at me, a worried frown forming between her brow. We lift our water glasses and I find her hand under the table and rest them on my knee. We eat quietly, Effie asking Katniss how she is feeling, or asking me how the bakery is going. When we are finished, Haymitch takes our plates away and offers more wine. We all decline and he takes a deep breath as he picks up a covered plate.


	79. Chapter 79

“Would everyone join me in the living room, please?” Effie giggles nervously and Katniss shoots me a baffled look. We follow them into the living room where a roaring fire dances in the fireplace. My head is spinning and I am starting to put two and two together. Is it possible…?  
Haymitch clears his throat, as he holds the plate with one hand.

“I uh, asked you two kids to be here for this because, well, you were the ones who taught me how great love could be. And uh, as I already said, I’d be lost without you three. I spent so many years being angry and vengeful and numb, so when I met you two…it kind of made me wake up and feel again. I didn’t like it immediately and lord knows we have all been through hell to get here. What I’m trying to say is, thank you,” he nods to Katniss and me. “I’d uh…I’d be dead without you two always checking up on me. And you, princess,” he turns to Effie and grasps her hand. “You brought light back into my life even when I wanted to stay in the darkness. You helped mend my shattered heart and I know it hasn’t been easy. But I don’t ever want to spend a day without you by my side.” He rips the cover off the plate and I notice a loaf of freshly baked bread, what I think is my father’s banana bread recipe. Katniss gasps and her hands fly to her mouth as she realizes what is happening. Effie casts us a nervous glance, but smiles and takes the plate from Haymitch. They kneel together in front of the fireplace and Haymitch holds the bread between them.

“Will you, Effie Trinkett, be mine forever?” 

“Oh Haymitch, of course I will.” 

He passes me the plate and smiles. “You’re the only one who should be tearing the bread.” I grin as I tear the loaf into two chunks and hand each of them a piece. They move closer to the fireplace and Effie looks nervous. 

“Just hold it close to the fire.” She still looks uncertain and doesn’t get too close. Haymitch’s is much crisper than hers is but neither of them care. They feed each other and kiss and Katniss burrows into my side, letting out a soft sigh. I just watched my former mentor and escort toast and begin a new life together. This day has certainly been full of surprises. 

After their toasting, Haymitch goes to make some hot chocolate and he and Effie curl up on the couch. Katniss and I both feel we should give them some privacy but Haymitch presses a cup into my hands.

“Stay,” he says softly. “You two are the only ones we want to see right now.” 

“Effie, what are your wedding traditions in the Capitol,” Katniss asks as she blows on her hot chocolate. 

“Oh, the Capitol likes to do huge fancy weddings. Gigantic wedding dresses with ridiculously long trains. Huge rings that weigh heavily on your fingers. Haymitch and I both agreed we wanted something very small and intimate. We were talking about going to a little chapel while we were in the Capitol but both of us wanted you darlings there. And so here we are.” As she waves her hand, I suddenly notice a pretty silver band woven with diamonds. It looks perfect on Effie’s dainty finger. I’m sort of surprised that she has strayed away from all Capitol traditions. Haymitch’s ring is silver too, but looks thicker and more masculine. I sip at my hot chocolate and notice a splash of cinnamon that tastes spicy on my tongue. I glance up at Haymitch and he smiles.

“I had it in my chocolate on our way back from the Capitol and really liked it. Thought you might too.”

“This is delicious, Haymitch,” Katniss whispers. She’s shivering a little so I move us onto the floor, closer to the fireplace. I stretch my legs out so she can lean back against my chest and I wrap my arms around her. Her hands cling to my arms as she rests her head on my shoulder and she closes her eyes. I glance up at Effie and Haymitch and see them smiling down at us. 

“Katniss, dear…would you do me one favor on my wedding night?”

“Anything Effie.”

“Would you sing?” Katniss looks up at her and bites her lip. Effie looks hopeful and Haymitch just smiles. 

Once again dear it's June time   
All the flowers they bloom as of you   
And the robin's sweet song is singing   
As I walk here to greet you once more   
A year has passed dear since I came here   
This old love of ours to renew   
And I found you among the flowers   
The day I came back to you

I found you among the flowers  
The day I came back to you   
All my gladness was there in a garden so fair   
Was the happiest moment I knew   
Your lips were the color of roses   
I pray them as flowers pray the dew   
It was there dear in your rose garden   
Where I found you

 

I close my eyes and listen to my wife’s sweet voice and hear Effie sigh deeply.

“That was beautiful, Katniss. Thank you.” She smiles and turns her head so her forehead is close enough for me to kiss. I push her hair from her eyes and kiss her above her brow, right on her scar. 

“I think we should probably get home before the snow gets worse,” I whisper and I help Katniss to her feet. We hug Haymitch and Effie and she kisses our cheeks.

“Thank you for being here for this,” she says as she hugs me.

“Thank you for allowing us to be a part of it.” Katniss smiles at Haymitch and he rolls his eyes.

“Get over here.” He tugs her in for a tight embrace and she looks like she will cry. Haymitch, too, is pretty teary-eyed. 

“Congratulations again,” she whispers as she turns to me and wraps me in her arms. We stumble out into the frigid cold and we are shivering as we make our way into the house. I kneel in front of the fireplace and make a fire of our own as she goes up to change for bed. When I’m satisfied, I head to the kitchen and start heating up more chocolate. When she comes back down she’s wrapped in a thick bathrobe that drops to her feet. I motion for her to join me and hand her a mug of chocolate. She smiles when she sees the many marshmellows floating on top. I lean against the couch and she rests against me as we sip our chocolate and stare into the dancing flames. She sets her mug aside and turns into me, her hands resting on my face. I bring my head down to kiss her and it is gentle and feathery-light. She places soft kisses over my face and comes back to my lips, sucking on my bottom lip a little. I wrap my arms around her and bring her into my lap so she is straddling me and I hear her gasp when she notices how hard I’ve gotten in the few seconds of our kissing. She grinds against me and I let out a moan as I press my forehead to hers. Her hands are in my hair and she grinds against me again. I lean down and tug on her bottom lip with my teeth, and feel her fingers tug at my curls. My hands drift down to her waist and inside her robe. My heart and cock both leap when I realize she is only wearing underwear underneath. I capture her gaze as I open the robe and slide it down her arms.   
The way the light of the fire dances on her skin makes my heart race. She has the most beautiful glow about her and her hair is soft and wavy around her shoulders. I run my hand down her throat, down her chest, and even lower to grasp her ass. I feel her hands slide under my own shirt and before I know it, she is lifting it over my head. Her fingernails trail down my abdomen and I shiver. She lowers her head and I feel her tongue at my throat. My eyes close lazily at the sensations and I vaguely register her unbuttoning my pants. I lift her up and grab the cushions from the couch, then gently lower her to her back. I’m careful not to get too close to the fireplace but it is a cold night and I don’t need her getting sick. All I want to do is make her writhe and scream. I haven’t heard her cry out my name in weeks. Something about the way my name falls from her lips as she comes , it’s just the most beautiful sound in the world. I hover over her, half my body on top while the other lies beside her. My tongue explores her mouth as my hand explores her perfect flesh. I sneak my hand into her panties and she arches her back as I trail my fingers around her center, teasing but not touching. My caresses are so fluttery and light and she grips my hair tightly as her tongue wraps around mine. The taste of Katniss combined with the chocolate drives my senses into overload. My fingers find her wet and wanting and I slowly push a single digit into her, moaning against her mouth when I feel her clamp down on me. Adding a finger, I thrust very slowly and spread her wetness around with my thumb. She jerks when I hit that special spot and I can feel her legs shaking. I tear away from her lips and give her a look that assures her I intend to keep kissing her, just not on her mouth. She watches me with darkened eyes as I lower myself over her and pull her panties down her around her legs, gripping her thighs in my hands. I massage her inner thighs and she trembles as I get closer to my destination. My tongue darts out and I give her the gentlest lick possible before I am placing soft kisses over her thighs and on her clit. 

“Peeta,” she whispers, her head thrown back and her hand still in my hair. I keep my eyes on her as I increase my licks, but only slightly. I am straining against my jeans but I keep my focus on her. I’ll see to her pleasure tonight, to hell with my own. She bucks her hips upwards, urging me to go faster but I keep nice and still. I have learned that prolonging pleasure can make it that much more fantastic. Katniss is not a patient person by any means. The longer I can hold off on making her come, though, the more intense it is. She realizes what I am doing and she leans up, holding my hair with one hand and starting to grind against my mouth. But I’ll have none of that. I reach up and hold her hips down, infuriating her more when I move up to kiss her belly before I come back to her throbbing clit. 

“Unng! Peeta!” 

“Patience, love,” I whisper as I kiss her bellybutton. One of my hands finds her breast and I gently tug at her nipple between my two fingers. My other hand dives into her folds again. I absolutely love to watch her writhe underneath me, her muscles rippling and her entire body shaking. Her panting increases, her moans get louder, and I know she’s close. I suck her clit into my mouth and feel her squeezing against my fingers. She’s still except for her chest heaving up and down, an occasional tremor overtaking her beautiful body. I withdraw my fingers and wipe them clean with my tongue before I move back to her mouth. Her hands grasp my face and hold me close as my tongue finds hers. She lowers her hand and I feel her rubbing me through my jeans. She’s noticed how hard I am and she leans up so she can tug my jeans off. I help her in pushing them, and my underwear off, and I lean over her. She grips my biceps and stares up at me, her eyes so full of love that it makes me feel weak and my arms start to shake.

“We’ll go slow,” I tell her and she nods. I’ve held off from making love to her while she gets better. As I slowly push into her, we let out matching moans and it dawns on me how long it has been since I have been inside her. I lean down to kiss her as I take my time, sliding in and out of her so she can feel every inch of me. It takes some time for our orgasms to build but since this is one of my favorite places to be, I have no complaints about it taking long. Tiny droplets of sweat break out on her skin and I look down to see our two bodies merging together. I reach down and rub at her clit with my thumb, feeling her tense around me. Her orgasm milks me of mine and I fall on top of her, pushing her damp hair from her sweaty face. We’re both shuddering and panting and she bites her lip as she runs a finger across my brow.

“I love you,” she says softly and I take her hand and kiss her palm.

“Please never stop saying that.”

“I’ll say it as many times a day as you want me to.” She leans up and takes my face in her hands, kissing me and saying those precious words with every touch of her lips. I close my eyes and allow her to bathe me in her love. I reach up and grab the blanket off the couch and bring it over our naked bodies. She settles in my arms and is asleep in minutes. I watch her sleep for a moment before I lie next to her and join her in sleep. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I wake up there is a blanket of snow on the ground, several inches high. Snow still falls from the sky and the clouds look dark and angry. I’d intended to go back to work today but I contemplate calling and telling everyone not to come in. I pull on my underwear and give Katniss a soft kiss as she continues to sleep. I shiver as I push the covers aside, noting how cold the room has gotten without the fire to warm us. I decide to stoke the fire a bit first, putting more wood over the crackling embers and have another fire crackling and spreading warmth over the room. I pull the blankets tighter around Katniss and watch her sleep for a moment. Something about her sleeping naked in front of the fireplace, covered by my blankets that Dad gave me when I moved out, blankets that I slept with when I was just a boy, dreaming about kissing Katniss, just sends a calm and peaceful feeling over me and the entire house. With one last glance at my wife, I head up to the Study and call Rory, who is supposed to open the bakery today.

We agree that the bakery will be open for part of the day and he says he is fine with going in. I quickly apologize for all of my absences but he scoffs into the phone.

“Peeta, Katniss has been sick! I wouldn’t expect anything less of you.” 

“Yeah but it’s still my business--“

“It’s Mellark Family Bakery. You are going to take care of your family first and foremost,” he says patiently and I smile. 

“Alright, thanks Rory. Please take a couple of loaves for you and your family, along with my gratitude.”

“Have a good day, Peeta. Tell Katniss we are thinking about her. Mom says to call her if she needs anything.”

“We will. Thanks again Rory.”

“Bye Peeta.” I hang up and pull on a pair of flannel pants and socks. I still walk with an awkward little limp but Aurelius assured me he is having Izzy create a new one and it should be here in a few weeks. I decide things could be a lot worse.

I hurry to the kitchen and start taking out ingredients from the cabinets. I’m lost in my world of baking and of course I can never hear her when she enters a room. I feel two small hands on my chest and I jump. 

“Sorry,” she laughs in my ear.

“You’re too damn quiet for your own good.” 

“It helped keep me alive for years,” she reminds me and I turn to her, wrapping my arms around her waist. I smile when I see that she is wearing nothing but one of my shirts, which barely covers her thighs. Her hair is down and loose around her shoulders, what Johanna calls “sex hair”. She’s always beautiful to me but when I see her like this, I can hardly contain my heart. She’s so uninhibited and vulnerable and I am the only one who ever sees her like this. I lean in for a kiss and hear her stomach grumble and I pull away with a chuckle.

“Let me finish making us breakfast before you distract me even more.” She grins but leans against the counter and watches me measure out the ingredients. 

“Here, why don’t you stir while I add the berries?” She nods and takes the spoon from me so that I can finish preparing the berries for the batter. She follows my instructions and soon, the kitchen is filled the delicious smell of muffins. Katniss pours us milk and sits down and I am about to join her when I hear a knock at the door.

“Isn’t it snowing outside,” she says in disbelief, already on the way to open the door. 

“Katniss, you’re naked,” I hiss as I quickly follow her and she glances at me before she pulls the door open and gasps.

“Oh, um…Gale.” She blushes bright red and I see Gale’s eyes widen then dart up to the ceiling.

“Umm, Katniss, why don’t you, uh, get dressed so we can talk?” I bite my lip to keep from laughing. With the amount of clothes we have between us, I can only imagine what Gale is thinking right now. And I won’t lie. I feel kind of smug about it.

“Why don’t you, uh, come in and have some muffins? I’ll be right back,” she mutters before rushing up to our bedroom. I clear my throat and show him to the kitchen and offer him a muffin, which he promptly refuses.

“I’m on duty,” he says softly. “Though I remember how good they always smelled whenever I came to trade at the bakery.”

“No one else is here, Gale. Have one.” I see him arguing with himself before he takes it and sniffs it a little before biting into it. 

“Mmm. This is really good, Peeta.”

“Thanks. Dad’s recipe.” His face softens and he nods. 

“He’d be really proud of you.” My brow quirks at his soft tone but before I can answer, Katniss re-enters the room, fully dressed. Now I am the awkward one here, with my bare chest showing. She tosses me a t-shirt and gives me a smile. She turns to Gale and gestures for him to sit but he shakes his head and stands beside the table.

“I won’t be long, Katniss. I have been trying to speak to you about your kidnapping incident but Peeta has refused to let me see you.”

“She’s been resting,” I can’t help my heated tone. “Her mother said we needed to let her sleep as much as possible.”

“Alright, don’t fight about it,” Katniss says irritably. “Yes Gale, I have been resting and getting better. But I am getting back to normal, thanks for asking.” He flushes.

“That’s not what I…I didn’t mean…Katniss, I’m Head of Security. We are concerned with your safety and want to track down the bastards who threatened your life.” 

“Didn’t you already put them in jail,” I ask.

“The two who kidnapped her, yes we did. But the Red Revolutionaries is a terrorist group. We located the hideout of their leader and apparently there are still a few who are are on the run. Katniss, during your captivity, did you hear anything that could help us find the rest of them?” She shakes her head no.

“They kept me drugged most of the time,” she says in an offhand way. Gale and I both clench our jaws. “I was bound and gagged and they didn’t really speak to me much. I heard them talking about their leader…Teacher, I think they called him. And the morning after they captured Peeta, they found out that Teacher had been arrested. So they said they were no longer waiting for orders. They wanted to go ahead and kill me.”

“President Paylor personally questioned the leader of the group. He said their plan was to bring you back to 13 and give you a trial in front of the remaining citizens. He said he wanted it to be a fair trial but that most of 13 wants you dead for what you did to their president. Your execution was a topic of heated debate.”

“What do you mean,” I speak up. Gale swallows.

“The leader said he called for a quick death penalty. Something relatively painless and very quick. But the rest of his group were more…blood-thirsty. They threw out ways to execute Katniss and let’s just say, it makes the Hunger Games look tame.” I feel sick and Katniss goes pale. I reach for her hand and feel her trembling.

“They won’t come after you again. Their leader is locked up and they have no way of receiving orders.”

“What if they decide to take matters into their own hands, like those two men,” she says quietly. “They nearly killed you, Peeta!” Gale frowns and looks between us in confusion.

“What do you mean? You were the target. Their leader said they wouldn’t hurt any other Victors.”

“They used him to get to me,” she says in a choked voice. I squeeze her hand and she chokes back tears. 

“Ah, I see. Leverage. They told you to go with them and Peeta would be free.”

“Something like that,” I mutter. 

“No,” she says shrilly. “They held a gun to his head, Gale. And promised me they would kill him. Of course I was going to go with them!” 

“Alright, let’s back up a bit. The morning of your kidnapping. What happened?” 

“I…I don’t remember. I wasn’t speaking to anyone. I hadn’t left the house in at least a week. I refused to let anyone in or pick up the phone. I just sat in that rocking chair, wrapped in a blanket.”

“And this isolation was due to your depression over Peeta abandoning you?” Katniss’s eyes narrow.

“Don’t try to be a therapist, Gale. It doesn’t suit you.”

“I’m just trying to get the facts straight, Katniss.”

“What does it matter why she was depressed,” I say angrily. “The point is she let her guard down and they took her. What else do you need to know?” Gale glares at me.

“Pretty words from the man who promised to stay by her side forever and then up and left her.” I stand up, my chair flying back and Katniss jumps up beside me, her hand on my chest.

“Peeta, stop. Gale, if you’re going to be like this, you can leave. I don’t have to tell you anything.” His nostrils flare but he takes a step back.

“You’re right. I apologize. To both of you,” he nods at me. “So you were depressed and you didn’t hear them in your house. I take it they drugged you?”

“I felt a needle in my arm and then I blacked out. I woke up in the barn, wrapped tightly in ropes. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t speak, and I couldn’t move. No one spoke for the longest time and then finally I started to hear voices talking about how long it would be before someone came looking for me. They seemed relieved that Peeta was gone…said he was completely out of the picture and it would be only too easy to kill me.” I see Gale heave a breath and nod.

“That’s what their leader said when President Paylor questioned him. He said there had been several stationed in 12, keeping an eye on you both and reporting back to him. When they reported that Peeta had left, and it seemed like he was gone for good, the leader declared it time to take her to 13 for her trial. They didn’t count on Peeta coming back. Their leader said it was explicit orders not to harm any other victors. Annie, Johanna, and Haymitch were all safe.”

“As long as they didn’t find her,” I speak up. “Sorry but I refuse to believe they would have left them alone if they had stumbled upon that barn instead of me.”

“How did you find her, Peeta?” I glance at Katniss and see her watching me, and I sigh.

“I started seeing things on TV…I discovered that Katniss was missing. I know a lot of people thought she had disappeared to come find me. I didn’t believe that. Haymitch didn’t either. One night I called Haymitch and told him I was coming home to find her. We searched for several days, almost a week, to come up with nothing. When you and your soldiers went to search the woods, Finn mentioned to me that he thought he saw a light from the barn one night. I guess they lit a fire to keep warm or something so I decided to check it out. As I came closer to the barn, I saw movement in the window. I didn’t see Katniss but I saw two men dressed in the District 13 uniforms. I burst in, meaning to surprise them, but they were too quick for me. They had me tied up and blindfolded before I could yell for help. I think only minutes after my capture they showed me that Katniss was alive.” I wrap my arm around her waist and pull her into me. Talking about that night makes me shiver and all I want to do is disappear under the covers with my wife by my side and hide from the world. 

“And then they used you for leverage against Katniss,” Gale says quietly. “Alright. Now Katniss, Haymitch reported several injuries including a fractured arm. Did it happen when you were trying to escape?”

“Yes,” she says softly. “After I heard Peeta’s voice,” she breaks off and looks up at me. I gently stroke her cheek and she holds my hand to her cheek. She clears her throat and blinks back tears. “Um, after I discovered that Peeta had come back, I decided to try to escape. I waited until they were asleep and I tred to crawl to the door. I was tied up so couldn’t really move. The damn barn made too much noise and woke them up and one of them men threatened to kill me if I took another step. I fell into the trough, which was full of icy cold water, and the man grabbed me and twisted my arm back. I felt something crack but they drugged me again and I didn’t wake up until I heard Peeta’s voice again.” She takes a deep breath and finds my hand again.

“When they drugged me that time, it wasn’t…the normal drugs. Something was different about it. I hallucinated…saw terrible things… and I wanted to scratch my very veins out.” Her words make my blood run cold. I know that feeling all too well. I can’t believe those sons of bitches injected her with that. How did they even get a hold of it?

“Some other kind of drugs,” Gale questions, looking confused.

“Tracker-jacker venom,” I say solemnly, staring straight at Katniss. I see Gale start angrily out of the corner of my eye. Katniss looks wary as she meets my eyes before they lower back to the floor. I see her clench and unclench her fist and the pain she felt is evident in her eyes. Since my recovery in the Capitol, it has been decreed that only medical professionals may have access to tracker-jacker venom. It’s expressly forbidden to have it in your possession. Then again, it’s expressly forbidden to kidnap the Mockingjay! 

“Anyway,” she clears her throat. “I was, uh, bound and gagged and blindfolded but they brought him over to me and taunted both of us. I knew I was sick and weak and probably wouldn’t last another day in that barn. So when they said I had to go with them or Peeta dies, I agreed. And that’s when Peeta yelled for Haymitch and you all burst in.” Gale nods and writes something on his little notepad.

“Alright. That’s all I need for now. Thank you both very much for your cooperation. Katniss, you get to feeling better, alright?”

“I already am. Thank you.” He nods.

“I’ll be reporting back to President Paylor and give her your statements. Most likely there will be a trial for the entire group and the President will decide on a just punishment. Rest assured, once we find the rest of the group they will be dealt with harshly.” He shakes my hand and seems hesitant when he reaches out toward Katniss. But she stands up on her tiptoes to hug him and his arms wrap around her briefly before he pulls back.

“Take care, Mr. and Mrs. Mellark,” he says formally before he is gone from the room. I go to the lock to the door behind him and turn back to Katniss, whose eyes are on the ground.

“You ok?” She jumps and looks up at me.

“I’m fine. I just wish…I just wish that 13 knew who Coin really was. Maybe they wouldn’t want to kill me so badly if they knew what she did.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say gently as I reach for her. “They’re not going to hurt you. I won’t leave your side ever again.”

“Peeta, I don’t want our lives to be like this. Like, looking over our shoulders and waiting for the next attack. Waiting for the Games to be reinstated. I am so tired of living in fear.”

“The Games are over, Katniss. And once the rest of the terrorists are found, the group will be abolished. Don’t worry so much. Try to live your life and enjoy it. Find moments to make you happy and remember how loved you are.” She approaches me and wraps her arms around my neck, gazing up into my eyes.

“I love you,” she says softly. I stroke her cheek and she kisses my knuckles.

“Why didn’t you tell me what they drugged you with,” I say softly. She looks up, biting her lip.

“What difference would it have made? I didn’t even really hate them for it. They said I was feeling what you felt for so long and I agreed with them.” I close my eyes and shake my head as I pull her closer.

“No Katniss. Don’t EVER say that again.” 

“It’s true, Peeta. You said a long time ago that you feel like you were never really punished for trying to kill me. I was never really punished for everything that I have done to you--“

“Me trying to murder you wasn’t enough punishment,” I ask in disbelief.

“No,” she says simply. “When I got shot in 2, all I could think of was that I deserve this.” I drop her hands and cover my eyes with my hands as I turn away. Will we ever feel the slightest bit normal again? Will these feelings of guilt never leave us? We have both been through so much that it would be stupid to try to compare our situations. I just know that we wouldn’t survive without each other. I guess that’s all I really need to know. Anything else is irrelevant. So I tell her so. She merely nods and kisses me. Hearing Katniss’s account of what happened makes me feel a little bit more at ease. When we first took her to the hospital, they all asked her what had happened but she was still weak, dizzy even from her captivity. I was terrified that the men had done…something else to her but was too afraid to ask. The doctor wasn’t. I remember being in that room and holding her when the doctor asked her about it. At first I could see she didn’t understand. When her mother tried to clarify it for her, I saw her turn pale and I just wanted to rip my own heart out. If they had done that to my wife, I would go straight to the president and demand the death penalty. But she assured us nothing like that had happened and I tried to push it to the back of my mind. Since our rescue, though, I have had nightmares consisting of the same thing. Yet one more thing to add to my growing list of night terrors. I hope she doesn’t mind that I keep her wrapped tight in my arms until we die, because that’s my plan.

I easily lift her up, her legs wrapping around my waist. I lean up to capture her lips with mine and in doing so, position us so that her center is grinding right against my cock. We both gasp and she slides down to the floor, her fingers frantically pulling at the ties of my pajama pants. I won’t complain about the snowstorm District 12 is getting at this moment. It allows me more time to focus on the important things in my life, like my wife.


	80. Chapter 80

It takes almost a whole year to catch the rest of the Red Revolutionaries. In that year, Peeta hardly lets me out of his sight. When he goes to the bakery, he asks me to come help him. In truth I know he just wants me by his side. He knows how irritated I can get when everyone is hovering over me, trying to keep me safe. Annie and Finn are always here when Peeta is gone and even though I am glad of their company, I get more irritated that Peeta has asked her to keep an eye on me. Haymitch and Effie, too, are guilty of it. Finally I explode at Peeta one night and he looks up at me, stunned.

“I’m just trying to keep you safe, Katniss.” 

“Well you can’t! I can’t have you all breathing down my neck twenty four hours a day! I survived two Hunger Games, Peeta! I survived a War and who knows how many attempts on my life! Give me a fucking break!” I had stomped out of the house and spent I don’t know how many hours on the front porch, leaning against the swing that   
Peeta had installed months ago. I heard footsteps behind me and didn’t say anything when he sat down beside me. We were silent and I really don’t know how long we were out there. Finally, he set something in my lap and stood up.

“It’s cold out tonight,” he said softly before he went back inside. I lifted his jacket and slid it on, sighing at the warmth. My mind continued to race until I finally went back inside and upstairs to our room, where Peeta was lying on top of the covers, gazing at our opened window. I crawled onto the bed beside him and settled my head on his chest. His arms came up around me and rubbed my back gently, almost hesitantly.

“I’m sorry, Peeta,” I said quietly. “I know you just want to keep me safe. Because you love me.”

“I’ll die if something happens to you,” he said in the barest of whispers. 

“That’s not how the world works and you know it. Something could happen to any of us at any moment. You were the one who told me I can’t live in fear.” He closed his eyes and I saw a tear at the corner. I reached over and gently wiped it away with my thumb.

“I know I said that. And I’m a hypocrite. Because I feel like I have lived in fear every day of my life. When I was young, I thought about what would happen if I was ever Reaped. What Mom would do if she found my paper I got a C on. Fear of you starving to death when your dad died. Fear of watching you and Prim waste away over the years. And then came our Reaping and I have never known such fear. I sat up all night before we went into the Arena, just thinking of how I could help you survive in there. For one selfish moment I wished Gale had volunteered for me. So that I wouldn’t be the one to fail you if anything happened during the Games. And then we won and…god, the fear of what the Capitol would do to us. Of you hating me so much because we were forced together. The night before the Quarter Quell, I tried to tell myself that you would fight just as hard to get back to Prim as you did before. But Haymitch and I knew that you were fighting for my life this time and I was so…so angry with you. And so afraid that you would do something stupid to save me, to sacrifice yourself.” He choked back a sob and wiped at his eyes. I moved closer to comfort him and he trembled underneath me.

“The Capitol was nothing but fear and darkness. But I endured it all because I thought it meant keeping you safe. Snow made me deals, he promised to keep you alive, and all I could think about was your safety. I remember the fear I lived in after the hijacking, when I slowly started to come back. How I prayed and pleaded that I wouldn’t hurt you…hurt anyone for that matter. For months, no years, after that I was terrified that you hated me for what I had done. I hated myself. I still do, sometimes. When I’d discovered what I had done to you, that day in the woods, I wanted to…I couldn’t bear the thought of going on. But I didn’t…try anything…I don’t know why but I couldn’t…and then I heard you were kidnapped…and that fear from the Games, that terror I felt when I woke up and found you bleeding to death in the cave…that terror came alive again. And in the barn…when I knew you were there with me…all I wanted to do was keep you alive.” He sat up and held my hand to his cheek as his teary eyes met mine.

“I’m sorry, Katniss. Sorry for loving you too much and for trying to keep you alive. I know I’ve been driving you nuts but I cannot handle the fear of losing you. I just can’t. You are my world and you always have been. This fear I live with is so familiar but with each passing day that I fall more in love with you, this fear only gets worse. I’m afraid it will suffocate me one day.” I crawled up to him and threw my legs over him, so I was sitting on his chest. He leaned up and against the headboard so he could wrap his arms around me and look into my eyes. His words moved me to tears and I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how I lived in the same fear, ever since the Quell. How much I wanted to keep him safe and happy. But I couldn’t say anything. So I just held him and let him hold me. We went to sleep, soaked in each other’s tears.  
The next morning when I said I was going to the orphanage, he merely kissed me and told me to be careful. Several weeks later, we got a phone call from the President, informing us that the remaining terrorists had been caught and charged. She said she would be in touch about a trial and asked if Peeta and I would be willing to testify.   
I’m happy to say that Peeta and I have grown even closer and each day brings a new discovery. Last night, for example, I woke up to him shaking and pleading and I held him in my lap, soothing his hair back and whispering how much I loved him. After he calmed down, we played a rather difficult game of Real or Not Real and he reached out and trailed a finger over my scars. 

We stayed up all night, mapping each other’s bodies. I was in tears as I pointed out various scars and had to ask, Mother, Games, or Capitol. I’m still stunned at the amount of abuse he received from his mother. My mother may have abandoned me but she never laid a hand on me or Prim. I hold him close to my chest and listen to his heart beat. I’m stunned that he has come so far. Someone who has suffered so much, and how did an abused little boy grow up to be the sweetest most patient man alive? That’s before the hijacking stole bits and pieces of him, of course. But he has managed to find his way back. He has managed to regain parts of his old self, parts that no one ever thought he would rediscover. After his horrific stories of his scars, I kissed each and every one and ended up at his lips, melded to his mouth like it is an extension of mine. His eyes fluttered closed as I adorned his face in kisses and my soothing words were his lullaby.

Our anniversary is tomorrow and I am busy working on a gift for him. A vest made of rabbit fur to keep him warm this winter. I made him pillows made of the same fur for Christmas last year and he loved them so I hope he will like this. My fingers are sore from the stitching and Annie has offered to help but I want to do this on my own. I bite the stitching with my teeth and pull and hold it up to survey it. It looks wonderful and I can’t wait to see it on him. I hear the door slam and footsteps downstairs.

“Katniss? Are you here?”

“Be right there,” I call back as I hastily hide my present. I rush downstairs to greet my husband, whose face is pink from the cold. His eyes are wide and he has a broad smile on his face. 

“Hey,” I greet him. “What’s--“ he picks me up and spins me around in his arms, kissing me all over.

“Peeta, what’s gotten into you?”

“Paylor called me at work today. Your exile has been lifted!” It takes me a moment but I stare up at him with wide eyes.

“Wh-what?”

“You’re free, Katniss! I mean, you’re free to go wherever you like. The Revolutionaries have been tried and an official statement has been made to 13. An official Panem pardon was made and the court completely cleared you. Everyone feels that you are no longer a danger to anyone and you have been cleared of all crimes against Panem and District 13. You’re free to come and go!” I’m not sure why I’m not happier about this. Peeta is over the moon and he is watching me, waiting for a reaction. 

“Katniss?”

“That’s…that’s great.” His face falls slightly and he looks bemused.

“I was thinking that we could take a little vacation after Christmas,” he says quietly. “Just the two of us. We could go wherever you like. Kind of a belated anniversary trip.” I smile and stroke his cheek and his broad smile is back. He reminds me of the eager young boy I married and I lean up to kiss him.

“That sounds wonderful. Does that mean I don’t get a present tomorrow though?” He chuckles and grabs me in his arms, pressing me against the wall. I moan as he attacks my throat, sucking on my pulse point that has me whimpering his name. He takes the steps two at a time and carries me to our bedroom. His new prosthetic that came from the Capitol is even stronger than his previous one and his strong arms trap me in his embrace as he leans over me on the bed. He disappears between my legs and I reach down to grip his curls.

“Is this a good enough present,” he asks huskily, peering up at me with those clear blue eyes.

“Mmm, my favorite present of all,” I moan as my legs begin to shake in anticipation. He chuckles against my skin and I toss my head back and close my eyes, succumbing to my husband’s, ah, gifts.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day after he wakes me up in my favorite way, with his lips decorating my inner thighs and his tongue painting the most beautiful of pictures across my body, he makes me a breakfast of eggs with cheese and cheesebuns with cinnamon hot chocolate. We stay in bed and he pulls a box out from under the bed.

“Happy Anniversary, my beautiful girl,” he whispers as I pull at the ribbon. I gasp as I lift the bracelet from the wrapping. 

“I know you’re not usually the jewelry type,” he says as he helps me clip it on my wrist. “But I think it’s perfect and…well, if you don’t like it or don’t want to wear it,I understand--“

“Peeta,” I stop him with a kiss. “It’s perfect. Thank you.” It’s not big or gaudy. A simple silver chain wraps around my slender wrist and a small charm showing a loaf of bread with an arrow sticking through it dangles from it. The arrow’s tip is lined in tiny diamonds, and in another box he hands me is a beautiful leather quiver for my arrows, with my initials engraved near the bottom. I nearly climb on top of him and crush him with my kisses. He laughs against my lips and his hands rest on my hips.

“Hey hey, wait a second. Don’t I get a present too?” 

“You mean this isn’t your favorite present,” I tease as I suck at his neck. He moans lightly and tilts his head.

“Yeah you’re right, this is the best present I could get.”

“Well here, I hope you like this just as much,” I say as I run into the closet. I instantly regret not wrapping it with pretty ribbon as Peeta did but I shrug and tell him to close his eyes. He watches me for a moment before he obeys me and I put the vest in his hands. He frowns as his fingers rub against the fur and I kiss his lips before I tell him to open his eyes. He lifts the vest to study it and his face softens.

“Katniss,” he says in what I think is reverence. 

“I, um…I thought you might need something warm for the winter,” I say hastily, starting to question my decision and clothing-making skills. He sets it aside and pulls me into his arms, claiming my lips as his own. His hands go to my cheeks as he holds me in place, his kisses growing more and more hungry. 

“You made me a vest,” he says softly, resting his forehead against mine. “You actually made me this beautiful vest from your kills. My huntress made me a fur.” I laugh at his amazed expression.

“Peeta, it’s just a vest,” I try to tell him but he shakes his head.

“You don’t understand, Katniss. No one has ever made me a present like this before. I know how much time you must have spent on this and it’s so beautiful. Thank   
you.” 

“I also got you a new chess set but it’s already set up downstairs in the living room.” He smiles and leans in to kiss me.

“Thank you, love. Now can I ask for one more present?” 

“Um, what’s that?” His hand slips under my night shirt and rests on my breast. He bends down and his tongue travels along my neck and jawline and I close my eyes, allowing him to continue his path down my body. He pulls my shirt over my head and he flings it aside, his eyes wide and focused on my exposed chest.

“So beautiful,” he whispers, licking his lips hungrily. I squirm under his scrutiny and his eyes meet mine again. 

“Even after six years of calling you my wife, you still manage to completely take my breath away, Mrs. Mellark.” I wind my fingers through his hair and lean up to suck at a spot underneath his jaw. He moans a little and his eyes flutter shut as his hands grope at my breasts. We spend a majority of our anniversary in bed and neither of us have any complaints whatsoever.


	81. Chapter 81

On Christmas morning a delicious aroma, along with delicious sensations in my feet, wake me up. I lean up to see none other than Santa Claus sitting at the foot of my bed, with my feet pulled into his lap and his talented fingers working at my arches. I giggle and he peers over his round glasses.

“Well Merry Christmas to you, Mrs. Mellark.”

“Merry Christmas, Santa,” I let out another girlish giggle. He sets my feet aside and brings over a tray that is laden with my favorite breakfast foods. Chocolate chip pancakes, cheesebuns, eggs with cheese, bacon, fruit, and a big glass of fruit juice. I look up at him and fight a smile.

“Santa this really is too much.”

“Nothing is too much for you, my dear. You have been a very good girl all year long, you know.”

“Well thank you. I do try.” I dig into my Christmas breakfast and smack my lips in apprecation.

“You know what I really want, Santa?”

“What’s that?”

“For my husband to be here to enjoy this perfect breakfast with me.” I see his dimples with his smile and he clears his throat.

“Well then. I think that can be arranged. I’ve been keeping him busy with all my toy deliveries.”

“Toy deliveries? Isn’t that your job?” He raises a brow.

“I thought some time off would be nice and Peeta volunteered to help me out a bit.” 

“Mmhm. That sounds like my Peeta. He’ll do anything to help anyone, including Father Christmas.” I see his cheeks flush and he stands up.

“I’ll send him straight to you. Merry Christmas, Katniss.”

“Merry Christmas to you, Santa Claus. And thank you for the best Christmas present anyone could ever get.” He pauses, his brow quirked.

“Remind me what present that is, my dear?” I grin as I push the tray aside and stand up on my knees. 

“My loving husband, of course.” His eyes light up and he yanks the white beard and wig off. My hand goes to my heart as I wince.

“Oh my god, the illusion is shattered!” 

“Oh I’m sorry. Should I have stepped into the closet to change?” 

“Yes! I’m still a child at heart you know.” Chuckling, he hurries into the closet and I hear the heavy boots clunking against the floor. When he comes out, he’s dressed in faded blue jeans and with his feet and chest exposed. I suck in a breath as he walks toward me, my eyes raking over his muscles and I drink in my fill. I’ve always thought Peeta was handsome. Seeing him fill out before the Quell was pleasant and then it took awhile for both of us to regain our strength and muscle after we returned to 12. The first time I saw him naked, I thought he was extraordinary. But he was just becoming a man, becoming a husband at 18 years old. It’s strange to think that I was a wife that young, especially since I never thought in a million years I would ever call myself that. 6 years later and after years of lifting and such at the bakery, his form could be described as godlike. Indeed, I still see many of the women in town giving my husband flirtatious looks and nothing makes me happier than when he spins me into his arms and kisses me in front of them. It’s like a huge smack in their faces and Peeta understands that I can still get jealous quite easily. He leans down, his powerful arms holding him up, as he leans over me and kisses me deeply. My hands rake down his chiseled frame and I cup him through his jeans. I love how his stomach jerks when I get too close and I break our kiss to smirk up at him. He runs his fingers over my lips and I take them into my mouth, sucking and moaning, to drive him crazy. It works, as I see his face flush and his eyes darken and he bites his lip. I work one-handedly at his jeans until I have them loosened and my hand dives in to find his hard flesh straining against the material. He gasps as my hand closes around him and he throws his head back.

“Katniss,” he whines my name as I work at him slowly. I pull my legs up and use my feet to push his jeans and boxers down his legs. I love the way his cock springs forward and he hisses as my hand brushes against it. He leans back and his hands go under my legs, pulling my underwear down and kissing every spot of exposed skin as he does so. His hand massages my inner thigh as his other hand quickly unbuttons the buttons of his shirt that I am wearing. He doesn’t take it off, rather he keeps it open and tweaks my nipple as he leans down and takes one of my breasts into his mouth. I arch my back as my eyes slam shut, giving in to every delicious wonder that my husband bestows. His hand on my thigh moves south and my legs fall open even wider as he makes slow circles between my legs. He releases my breast with a wet pop and he kisses a trail down my stomach, across my belly button, and even further down. My hands grasp at his golden curls as his head disappears between my thighs and I try to lean up to watch him. I feel his tongue flick across my clit and I moan his name loudly. I open my eyes to meet his and our gazes are locked on each other. I am bucking my hips so wildly at this point that he keeps his mouth still and lets me grind against him. I come screaming his name and he refuses to let up. He tilts my hips upwards so that my feet are almost wrapped around my head. Good thing I’m so limber! I feel his tongue at my other hole, before he moves up and thrusts into my folds. He fucks me with his fingers and his tongue and he is relentless until I come again. I try to catch my breath as he kisses his way back up to my mouth, and he turns on his back and pulls me over him. 

“Ride me, Katniss. Ride me fast and hard.” I gulp at his dirty words. The way my eyes light up let him know his speech has his desired effect on me. I sink on top of him and grind forward, jumping at how sensitive I still am. His hands rest on my hips and he helps move me up and down before he starts to thrust upward and lets me collapse on his chest. He holds me tightly as he bucks his hips, driving into me. His breathing is ragged, his curls are soaked, and I love the way his skin glistens in the morning light.

“Katniss,” he pants. “God, yes, Katniss!”

“I love you Peeta. So damn much.” He lets out a strangled groan as he jerks inside of me and I fall forward. When I look up, he looks disappointed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen so quickly. You didn’t--“

“It’s ok Peeta. I don’t have to finish every time you know. Besides you gave me two already.” He pushes my damp hair out of my eyes and shakes his head.

“What makes it worth it for me, Katniss, is seeing you get off. Now get up here.” He pulls me up to his face and my knees rest on either side of his head. He pulls the edge of the sheet to clean me up, then he grips my thighs as his tongue thrusts up into me and I let out a high pitched wail. I was so close that it doesn’t take long and pulls his mouth away and rubs fast and hard until I am squirting all over his face. It took me a long time before I was comfortable with this…no, I take that back, I still flush from head to toe whenever this happens. But Peeta has explained time and time again that he is so damn proud of himself when he makes me do this and one of his secret loves in bed was when I come on him. We ended up having that dreaded talk not long after our anniversary last year. He convinced me that we needed to know what the other liked and didn’t like and I learned a lot about his dominant side. Likewise I discovered some things about myself. I’m still not comfortable talking about it but Peeta has definitely opened me up to entirely new worlds in our intimacy. I fall backwards and he catches me in his arms and lowers me to the bed. He reaches down and pulls a towel from under the bed and wipes his face and my legs clean. He pulls me to his chest and I bury my face in the crook of his neck.

“I feel kind of dirty having done that on Christmas.” A low rumble in his chest lets me know he is laughing.

“Why is that?”

“You know. The whole, Santa is watching me thing. Kind of creepy.”

“Didn’t he say you were a good girl this year?” I lean up and meet his eyes. He’s smirking at me, his eyes still smoldering from what we had just done.

“Yes but he should know I have been pretty bad too.” He nuzzles my cheek and tugs my earlobe with his teeth.

“Maybe he likes that.” I screw up my face and shake my head.

“Ew! Peeta, no!” He chuckles and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Ok, you’re right, ew. Forget I said that. I like that you have been a bad girl. Forget what Santa likes.”

“Did you really finish all the toy deliveries?”

“You doubted me? I was able to visit all the houses in 12 last night. Only had a few homes in Merchant Circle and was able to go to those this morning before you woke up.”

“I wish you had waited for me. I like being Santa’s little helper.” He grins as he kisses my nose.

“There’s always next year.” I love this tradition that we have started. Ever since he played Santa at the orphanage, he insists on doing it every year. Several years ago, it expanded into taking toys to the little ones around the district and not just the orpahange. Now everyone knows of Santa Claus and the joy he brings with his bag full of toys. Effie and I love to pick out the toys and goodies to go into his bag and Haymitch helps him load it up into a sleigh and rides around town, delivering his gifts. It’s just one more reason to love him.

“So Santa had time to make all those deliveries and make me breakfast this morning?”

“Oh don’t let him fool you. The breakfast was all me,” he says with a grin. I laugh as I pull him in for a kiss. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him up so that we are leaning against the wall, kissing. 

“Speaking of which, everything is probably cold now.”

“Mmhm. Santa’s little helper decided to be a little naughty this morning.” He cups my chin and gives me a soft kiss.

“You weren’t complaining. I need to get up and start getting ready anyway. Annie said she would come over early to help me with Christmas dinner. Why don’t you take a nap up here? I’m sure you’re exhausted after all those deliveries.”

“I’m alright. And I need to get started on the cookies anyway. I promised Finn and Posy we would have some to decorate.” I roll my eyes at my boy with the bread, always baking whether at work or at home. He kisses my nose leans over to open one of our drawers, pulling out a small box wrapped in green paper.

“One more delivery,” he says softly.

“Peeta,” I start. We’d agreed we wouldn’t do lots of presents for each other this year and focus on the kids at the orphanage as well as Finn and Posy. He shakes his head.

“I know what you’re going to say. But it’s for both of us. If you like it. I was looking through a catalogue and it…they jumped out at me. I had to add to it, of course. Open it.” I pull at the wrapping and hold a red velvet box in my hand. I glance up at him and open it with a creak. The box holds two rings, both so beautiful and the way they capture the light streaming in from our window makes them look like they are spun from the purest gold. The bands are about the same size and together form a silver heart. I lift one from the box and turn it to see the letters “Alw”. He takes out the other and brings it next to the one I’m holding. Together they form a heart and the word “always”. I look up at him, biting down on my lip. I don’t notice there are tears in my eyes until he is brushing them away and kissing my cheek. I close my eyes and feel his lips on my eyelids and nose.

“You don’t have to wear it,” he says and my eyes shoot open. “I thought they were pretty and--“ his words are cut off as I throw my arms around his neck and slam my lips onto his.

“Peeta,” I breathe. “They’re perfect. They are beautiful and I love them!” I hold out my hand and he smiles as he slides the ring onto my finger. Likewise I take his hand and put its counterpart on his finger. I feel like we are getting married all over again. We clasp hands and he cups my chin to kiss me.

“Merry Christmas Mrs. Mellark.”   
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We take a quick shower together and manage to keep our hands off each other long enough to get dressed. I love that we still act like this. I hope this playfulness never fades from our lives. Many people tell us we still behave like newlyweds. The last time my mother visited us she said she had never seen me smile so much. Peeta looked immensely pleased after that.

Peeta makes us more pancakes for breakfast while I start on the enormous turkey I shot, and we eat quickly before we are moving around the kitchen. Annie and Finn knock on the door about noon, and Peeta grunts as Finn runs into his arms. Our little godson has gotten so big but Peeta still carries him around like he is a child. I still see the longing in his eyes but he has not mentioned children to me in a really long time. Perhaps he has just accepted that I won’t change my mind. This makes me both relieved and immensely heartbroken. He pecks Annie on the cheek before he and Finn disappear into the living room so Finn can show his uncle what Santa brought him for Christmas. I catch Peeta’s eye before he leaves and he gives me a sly wink.

There are several more knocks at the door and Johanna and Effie join us in the kitchen. I hear the men talking in the living room and Effie lets out a squeal.

“Katniss, what a beautiful ring!” 

“Oh yes thank you. Peeta’s Christmas present for me.” Annie makes an “awwwe” sound while Johanna takes my hand.

“That’s nauseatingly adorable, brainless. You two kids make me sick with your devotion to each other.”

“Oh Johanna leave them alone,” Annie scolds. “They deserve it after everything.” Johanna rolls her eyes and goes back to mashing the potatoes.

“Don’t listen to her, Katniss,” she whispers softly. “She’s so happy for the both of you. She just doesn’t like people to know she has a heart.” I grin as I watch my friends move around the kitchen and we start to set the table. Hazelle, Rory, Vick, and Posy arrive a few minutes before we all sit down and Posy gives me a big hug before she runs into Peeta’s arms. She’s gotten big too. I can’t believe all of the children I know are growing so quickly. Rory and Vick are the same height now and Rory is starting to grow a bit of a mustache. I know Peeta has teased him about it, trying to look all manly but Rory fires back that Peeta can’t grow one. I don’t think it bothers him anymore, whatever the prep teams did to us to make sure we are hairless. It used to bother me but I suppose we’ll both just look young for a long time. 

“Thank you for doing this, Katniss,” Hazelle says as she hugs me. “Gale says thank you for the invitation but Ghilda invited him to spend it with her family.” I notice how her jaw flexes so I don’t say anything more and invite everyone to sit. As I am sitting down, we hear another knock and I look around, confused. Everyone we have invited is here. 

“Um, I’ll be right back.” I open the door and let out a loud gasp as little arms fling around me.

“Kitty-kat!”

“Lara?” I sink to the ground and gather her in my arms, clinging to each other. I glance up and see her brother standing in the door way looking slightly uncomfortable.

“I’m so sorry. I’m Katniss,” I try to lift my hand to shake his but Lara keeps me pinned down. He chuckles.

“I know. Lara won’t stop talking about you. I’m Logan. And this is for you,” he holds out a lumpy looking package of cookies and I smile as I disentangle myself from Lara and take the cookies.

“Thank you, that’s so sweet of you. Won’t you both come in?” I have absolutely no clue how they got here or when they arrived but I close the door and see Peeta has come to check who is at the door.

“Mr. Peeta,” Logan says quickly, shaking Peeta’s hand.

“Hello Logan. Glad to see you didn’t have any trouble getting here.”

“No sir, the train was on time. Thank you again.” My eyes widen as they rest on my husband, who lowers to the floor to hug Lara. She leaps into his arms and she kisses his cheek.

“Thank you for my Christmas present, Peeta.” 

“You’re welcome, Miss Lara. Why don’t you and your brother come in for some Christmas dinner? After dinner we will decorate some cookies!” Logan takes Lara’s hand and leads her into the kitchen but I stop Peeta before we follow them.

“You bought them train tickets to come visit?” His eyes are sparkling.

“Surprise. I was hoping they would make it here before dinner. Logan called here a few weeks ago while you were out and was saying Lara really wanted to visit. So I arranged for them to come in on the train and be here for Christmas. Is it---“ I fling my arms around him so suddenly that we are both nearly knocked off our feet. I kiss him hard on the lips and feel him gasp.

“I take it you like your Christmas surprise.”

“Peeta this is so wonderful. You…you really are too perfect.” He smiles as he plays with my braid.

“You’re perfect, Katniss. And I thought you’d like to enjoy your Christmas with all your loved ones.” We walk hand in hand back to the kitchen where Lara and Logan are waiting nervously. Annie ushers them into a seat and Finn waves at Lara across the table. I kneel beside her chair and quickly introduce everyone. She and Logan are shy but Posy and Finn and Rory bring them out of it quickly. After dinner, Peeta sets up a separate table to decorate cookies at and the adults watch while we all sip on coffee or tea. Hazelle chuckles as Posy and Lara smear frosting all over Peeta’s cheek.

“That boy will make a great father one day,” she says non-chalantly. I feel everyones eyes on me and I sip at my tea, keeping silent. Hazelle pats my hand. 

“Oh honey. I know how you used to feel but times have changed. You see how good Panem is being to our kids now? I can watch my kids work away from those deadly mines. And there will never be another Reaping bowl again.” Effie sips at her coffee loudly, and Haymitch squeezes her hand. I sigh into my cup and glance over at the cookie table. Peeta is laughing and talking to the kids but I see his eyes are glancing sideways at me. I clear my throat and start to clear the dishes. Johanna jumps up and helps and we continue to watch the kids decorate…Peeta more than the cookies.


	82. Chapter 82

DISCLAIMER: THIS CHAPTER IS A BIT SMUTTY- PLUS MENTIONS OF TORTURE.  
ALSO, SOME FORMS OF SPEECH MAY OFFEND SOME PEOPLE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT IS BUT I AM PUTTING A DISCLAIMER JUST IN CASE....THINK ABOUT THE REGIONS IN PANEM AND THINK ABOUT HOW PEOPLE MAY TALK AROUND THOSE REGIONS. THAT IS ALL :)   
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It’s a really great night and I think everyone has enjoyed themselves. Katniss seemed so surprised and delighted when Lara and Logan walked in and the kiss she gave me was more than enough thanks. After dinner I bring over the sugar cookies I baked and give the kids some tubes of frosting and let them go wild with the sprinkles. I hear them chuckle over at the adult table and briefly hear Hazelle tell Katniss I will make a good father. Everyone falls silent after that and I keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t run. I know my wife. She pretends to be fine while she is screaming inside. But she won’t say or do anything in front of the kids. I know she loves these kids more than anything. Having Finn and Posy and Lara helping me with cookies is just perfection in my eyes. If I can just have these moments with them all the time, I don’t need kids of my own. Do I still dream about it? Every damn day. But I’m coming to the conclusion that Katniss just won’t give in and I wasn’t meant to be a father.   
I’m thankful enough for Katniss and as I have told her time and time again, I’ll be fine without kids as long as I have her. Of course I spoil my godson and his friends every chance I get and I’m giddy when I feel the girls’ arms wrapped around me, like Posy and Lara are now. We’ve finished opening presents and Katniss and I gave the girls a couple of doll playsets, as well as purses with some costume jewelry inside. For Vick and Rory, we gave them new bows as well as quivers for their arrows and Vick actually hugged me in thanks. We received lots of great things as well. Posy made us a sign that says the Mellarks to go over our door (which still makes my heart thud a little, I’ll admit). Effie and Haymitch paid for our train tickets to anywhere we want to go after Christmas, as I have promised Katniss we are taking a vacation, the first since our honeymoon. We thanked everyone graciously and Logan announces that they need to catch their train back to 5. I’m a little sad that he couldn’t take off more than a day to come visit but I understand the pressures of needing to work. Before I was Reaped, I worked in the bakery and still didn’t have money for much of anything. Katniss has admitted that she thought Merchants lived much better than we actually did but it seemed to be not much better than the Seam. At least we had food, however stale it may have been. 

Katniss and I drive Logan and Lara to the train station and help them with their presents. They both hug us and thank us and while Lara is wrapped around Katniss, I press an envelope in Logan’s hand. He glances inside and his eyes nearly bug out.

“Mr. Peeta, I can’t--“

“Logan, you’re doing a great job raising your sister. And I commend you for it but I also know you are working so hard and you should still have some time to be with her. Trust me, make time for what is important. This should help you guys out for awhile.” He starts to shake my hand before he flings his arms around me and surprised, I nearly fall over.

“Thank you. And Katniss. You both are…well, you’ve been so wonderful to Lara and me.”

“Come back anytime. Just say the word and I’ll arrange a ticket.” I ruffle his hair and he smiles up at me. Lara is crying while Katniss kisses her cheeks.

“We will see you soon, my little Lara,” she coos. Logan pulls her onto the train and they appear in the window, waving to us as the train carries them away. Katniss sniffles and I wrap my arm around her.

“Like you said, we will see them soon.”

“I know. Oh Peeta thank you.” She turns and buries her face in my coat and I hold her close. The snow is starting to come down pretty hard so I lead her back to the car and drive us home.

Johanna and George mentioned staying with Annie and Finn tonight and we all made plans to have lunch at the bakery tomorrow. While Katniss gets ready for bed, I quickly clean up the kitchen and put away the cookies and frosting. An idea starts to come to me and I cannot for the life of me banish it away. So I stop trying. With a sly smile, I gather the tubes of frosting in my arms and head up to our room.

The lights are low when I enter and she is already under the blankets. I glance over to see that she left the window open. 

“Honey I don’t want you to catch your death,” I tell her as I pull it closed.

“I know you prefer to sleep with it open, no matter how cold it is.” I lean down and kiss her, nuzzling her nose.

“Not when it’s snowing outside. I’ll be ok for one night. Did you enjoy your holiday?”

“It was wonderful. Did you enjoy yours?”

“It was perfect. Well, nearly perfect. There’s still one more thing I’d like to do before it’s over.” She raises a brow.

“And what’s that?”

“Do you trust me?” She looks up into my eyes and I see them searching . Finally she nods.

“Of course I do.”

“I want to paint you, Katniss.”

“Haven’t you done that many times already?”

“Not on a canvas. I want to paint…you.” Her brow quirks and she sits up a little.

“Umm…alright?” I chuckle and kiss her between her brows. 

“Would you allow it?”

“I have a feeling this is going to be a mess.” I quickly get up and lie some blankets down on the floor and hold my hand out to Katniss. She takes it and stands in front of me, gazing up into my eyes. I’m still caught off guard by how beautiful she is and my hands slide the straps of her nightgown down her arms. I have to kiss her bare shoulder, and my lips hover over the freckles above her clavicle. She raises her arms and I pull the gown over her head, tossing it onto the bed. She stands in front of me in only a pair of blue lace boyshorts. I bite my lip as I admire how the material clings to her skin and my hands travel up and down her legs, her shapely thighs, her flat stomach, and her full breasts. Her breath hitches when I trace my thumb over her nipple and tweak it between my fingers.

“Lie down,” I whisper in her ear and she does so immediately. I arrange the frosting around the blankets and she waits, trembling slightly. I bend down to kiss her navel and her stomach flinches. I grab a tube of green frosting and squeeze some onto my finger, bringing it to her lips. Her tongue darts out and wraps around my finger and she moans a little as she devours the sugar. I have to stifle my moans as she is sucking on my finger with lust in her eyes. I withdraw my hand and position the frosting at her collarbone. I squeeze some out and paint a small green flower. I smile at my work and grab another tube. I paint an orange sun on her stomach and a bouquet of yellow and pink flowers near her knee. I grab the red tube again and outline a heart on her breast. Spreading the icing with my fingers, I fill in the heart and she shivers as I rake across her nipple. She’s been silent this whole time, her dark eyes watching me carefully. As erotic as this is, I stay in control and focus on my art. My paintings get more elaborate as I move down her body. She squirms a little when I paint a rainbow with clouds above her bellybutton. I cover her body in my art and go back to her lips, kissing her gently.

“Am I a masterpiece yet?” I smirk down at her and rub my thumb over her bottom lip.

“You have always been a masterpiece.” I tell her to wait a moment while I run to the closet for something and come back with one of my Christmas presents. She quirks a brow.

“Annie got it for me. She said I should have another way to capture my memories, other than painting them.”

“A camera? I don’t think I have ever actually seen one before. Aren’t they really old?”

“Some are. Some were redesigned after the Dark Days. This is what they call a point and shoot. It’s just a basic little machine and I have to send off the disc to get my pictures developed. But Annie said she has been using one of these to take pictures of Finn and she loves it. So I want to remember my masterpiece.” She doesn’t say anything as I take quick pictures of all my paintings. She clears her throat when I snap one of her breasts and she gives me a look.

“These are for your eyes only, correct?”

“Of course. It’s a machine that develops them, Katniss, no one else will see them.” 

“Alright. Is it my turn?” I lower the camera and cock my head.

“Your turn for what?”

“Well I want to paint too.” I have to smile. She sits up and grabs a tube of orange. I lay back and she pushes my shirt up my chest, then decides better of it and pulls it over my head. I shiver as the cold icing hits my bare skin and she paints a sun over my heart. She lets out a little ‘hmm’ as she decides what to paint next and I wait patiently, my eyes never leaving her face. I watch her eyes narrow as she picks out her next canvas, and admire the way her eyes light up when she looks satisfied with the final product. She paints some kind of flower on my stomach but then I feel her tongue and I jerk a little, looking down at her. She smirks and shrugs.

“Didn’t like how it looked. So I wanted to start over.” I narrow my eyes at her, knowing that teasing tone. I have to say, Katniss has changed in so many ways and I have seen a side of her that no one else ever will. Over the years, she has become bolder in bed and more willing to try new things. Of course she’s still uncomfortable talking about sex--she always turns an adorable shade of pink when I bring it up- but some of the things she has suggested shocks me. Sometimes we hold battles to see who can make whom come first. I don’t know if there is a real winner but it sure is fun to try. One of my favorite games is what I have named ‘dinner distractions’. When Katniss is cooking dinner, I sneak up on her and plunge my hand down her pants, my fingers pushing into her as she tries to maintain focus on the food. Likewise while I am busy at the stove, she drops to her knees and tugs at my pants until she can reach my cock, then takes me into her mouth and I fight with everything I have not to burn dinner. It’s these little games that keep our intimate life fiery and fulfilling. But I also think it’s more about the love I have for her and the love I see in her smoldering eyes when we’re together. The sex is great but I am still reeling, years later, that I am actually with Katniss Everdeen. Mellark. As if I didn’t say that in my head enough times when I was young.

I feel her hands undoing my belt, bringing me back to the present, and I lift my hips to help her slide my jeans down my legs. She tugs at my underwear and I sit up.

“Hey, why am I the only one who is naked here?”

“I need more space to paint,” she says slyly and she reaches under me to pull them all the way down. I stare at her with wide eyes as she selects more icing, then moves down my body and paints god knows what right above my twitching cock. 

“Hmmm, nope, that doesn’t look right,” she whispers as she bends down and cleans it off with her tongue. My head falls back while quiet curses escape my lips. She lingers around my stomach, painting with her fingers. I glance down and see lots of yellow. She smiles up at me and gestures with her hands.

“I think this one’s my favorite.” I immediately notice dandelions, some with petals blowing in the wind, others whole and healthy. She takes a quick picture of it and I yank her down for a kiss. 

“Careful, you’re ruining my work,” she says, scandalized and I chuckle as I tug her lip with my teeth.

“Am I your masterpiece, Katniss?”

“You’re damn near perfection,” she coos. “And you are all mine.” Her low seductive voice makes my cock jump. I glance to the side and see the icing is all gone, save for one tube of orange. I lower her to her back and paint one more, an orange sunset that extends over her center. Her left leg drapes over my shoulder and I kiss her from her foot to her inner thigh. When I reach my sunset, I realize some of the icing is already dripping into her folds. My eyes lock with hers as I lower my head and take a long lick of frosting. She bites her lip to hold in her moans but her fingers wrap around my hair. I hold her gaze while I lick her until all the icing is gone and all that is left is her natural sweetness that is better than any kind of frosting or sugar. She’s positively dripping and I push a finger inside her, crooking it the way I know she likes. She screams and tosses her head back, her back arching off the floor. My other hand grips her breast as I finish her off with my mouth. She lays there, panting and I give her a moment to collect her breath. It’s not long until she is bringing me down on top of her and reaching down between us to guide me inside her.   
The sex is messy but incredible. We come again and again and I have absolutely no strength left when it is over. We lay together, our limbs so tangled that I’m not quite sure where she ends and where I begin. She rests her head in the crook of my neck and my fingers travel over her back as she drifts off to sleep. I try to sleep too but I’m too sticky and the floor is really uncomfortable. I try to get up without waking her but she moans a little too loudly when I try to disentangle myself.

“Hey babe I’m going to shower real quick,” I whisper as I try to lift her. “Why don’t I put you to bed?”

“No. I’ll join you. I’m so sticky.” 

Her eyes remain closed as I pull her into the tub and I swear she’s fallen asleep against the wall while I wash my hair. Chuckling, I quickly wash the frosting off her and push her underneath the stream of water. When both of us are clean, I carry her back to the bedroom and pull her under the blankets with me. In hindsight I should probably put clothes on the both of us, with it being so cold, but right now all I want do is sleep. She’s already snoring softly in my arms and I close my eyes and drift off immediately. 

After New Years, George and Johanna say their goodbyes and Katniss and I prepare for our trip. Somehow word got out that we are leaving 12 for vacation and the invitations started to pour in.

There is a knock at the door and Katniss opens it while I read my book. The snow is falling steadily and District 12 looks like a lovely little winter wonderland.

“Haymitch,” she says, surprise in her voice. “Come in.”

“I won’t keep you lovebirds for long. Effie went into town for some things and I decided to stay home, when I got a phone call from the storage space in Merchant Circle.” I set the book aside and look up at the old man. He’s rubbing the back of his neck and looks nervous.

“What’s going on Haymitch,” Katniss asks suspiciously.

“Well kids, it seems that Panem is happy that your exile has been lifted. You’ve received invitations from nearly every district, asking you to come see their rebuilding and such. A few of them even want you to come to their unveiling ceremonies for their memorials. You’re still famous, kids.”

“We don’t want to be famous,” I speak up as I go over to Katniss. “Can’t they just respect our privacy and let us live our lives away from the cameras?”

“It’s not about that, Peeta,” he says gently. “They want to thank you. Both of you. They are proud of what the country has become and they want to share that with you. It’s sort of like…an improved Victory Tour.” Oh how I wish he hadn’t used those words. I feel Katniss tense beside me and I grasp her hand.

“No,” she says softly. “We don’t…I don’t want…I can’t.” 

“Katniss…sweetheart, I didn’t mean to say it like that. This has nothing to do with the Games and everything to do with you being heroes. They still see you as the Mockingjay, Katniss. They just want to thank you…in person.”

“I was sort of looking forward to a vacation where we could just…be free,” I mumble. “Walk around without bodyguards and people asking for a picture. Is that even possible?” Haymitch gives me a look and I let out a heavy sigh. It sounds like Katniss and I will need disguises if we want to have any kind of privacy. And neither of us want that. 

“Well can we see the invitations?” Katniss looks at me quickly but I look straight at Haymitch. He nods, his mouth a thin line.

“Sure. I have them at my house. I’ll bring them right over.” He goes over to his house and returns with two bags full of envelopes. 

“For the record, kids, I think this is a good idea. You going on a vacation together. Maybe you can agree to show up at some of the events and use the rest of your time to just be together. Just think about it.” He leaves us to sort through the bags and Katniss falls to the couch.

“Peeta, I can’t do this.”

“It’ll be alright, honey. Look at these. These people are just thanking us,” I open an official-looking letter and my eyes widen. “The Mayor of District 11 wants us present at their unveiling ceremony, as his honored guests. He says…” I trail off, my eyes widening even more at what I’m seeing at the bottom of the letter. Katniss watches me and I feel her hand on mine.

“Peeta? What is it?” I wordlessly pass the letter to her and watch her read. Her eyes widen and fill with tears. Rue’s mother, Blossom Cheler, asked the Mayor to ask us to come for their ceremony. Then she had scribbled in very messy scrawl at the bottom how she hoped for the chance to thank us in person and how she understood we must be tired of being in the limelight.

It’s exhausting, I’d wager, but I aint gonna lie to you and tell you that you didn’t make no difference. You’re the reason my kids are still alive. And Katniss, I aint never gonna forget what you did for my little Rue.   
Please come. You aint know what it mean for everyone here.   
Sincerely, Blossom M. Cheler

 

Katniss looks up at me, her hand over her mouth. I move toward her and catch her as she falls forward. I know we’re going to go. And I know it’s going to be damn near impossible for Katniss to meet Rue’s family. I wonder if anything happened to them when I tried to give them my money during our Victory Tour. I never asked. 

I don’t think I’ll be asking this time either. 

I lower us to the couch and wait for her to finish crying. She hides her face in my chest and grips my shirt with white fists. 

“Sing to me, Peeta,” she chokes out. I freeze; my hand is still on the back of her head and I feel like I am suffocating. No one’s ever asked me to do that before. Singing in front of Katniss is probably the last thing I would ever want to do at this moment but she looks up at me with streaming eyes and red cheeks and I find that I can deny her nothing. I really don’t know any songs--my mother never sang to me, and I don’t remember hearing my father or brothers sing. Katniss sings her father’s songs all the time. There’s only two I distinctly remember. One is Rue’s lullaby, the song she always sings about the meadow.  
The other is probably way too inappropriate but I feel on the spot and open my mouth. The words just flow out with a very shaky voice.

Are you, are you coming to the tree

Where a dead man called out for his love to flee

Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be

If we met at midnight in the Hanging Tree

Are you, are you coming to the tree

Where I told you to run, so we’d both be free

Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be

If we met at midnight in the Hanging Tree

Are you, are you coming to the tree

Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me

Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be

If we met at midnight in the Hanging Tree

And just like that, it all comes rushing back. How I sat in the studio while Snow made an announcement to Panem. He insisted I be there so Panem could see that I was still “on their side”. I watched as footage of Katniss standing in the rubble of the bakery appeared on the screen. Her voice rang out clearly, singing that song and I realized it was the first time I had really heard her sing since we were little. I knew she had sung Rue to sleep but the gamemakers determinedly left that portion out of the recaps. Snow had gripped his chair and his head swirled around.

“What’s happening,” he asked softly, glancing offstage. My eyes were locked on Katniss. I felt like she was there with me in the studio. I wanted to cry out for her, plead for her to save me, to save herself, to save everyone. I saw Snow watching me, his eyes narrowed and the smell of blood and roses nearly suffocated me. I continued on as if I hadn’t seen anything, talking about the cease-fire. When it happened again, I saw Finnick, looking nothing like the polished boy I remembered. I could see Snow’s anger growing. He addressed the camera and spoke about the rebel disruptions. Katniss’s song echoed in my head.

Where a dead man called out for his love to flee

I was already a dead man. And I knew they planned to bomb 13. I had to warn her. I had to save her. Because that’s what I had been doing all my life. Trying to protect her. The hijacking failed at that moment. I remembered who I was and my mind was clearer than it had been in a long time. I was taken back to that day in school, when a beautiful little girl wearing a red plaid dress and her hair in two braids, raised her hand and stood up on a stool to sing the Valley Song in front of the class. My 5 year old self beat me and berated me and yelled at me for forgetting who I was and what she meant to me. So I came back long enough to cry out a warning and my punishment was vast. Still, I had once again saved her.

I don’t realize I am shaking and sputtering until I feel hands pushing my hair back. I open my eyes to find glassy grey staring back at me and I fall forward into her arms.   
Oh how the tables have turned. I thought I would be the strong one and give her what she needed. And now she is doing it for me. I hate for myself for becoming so weak. I remember a time when she never knew when I was having a nightmare. I would hold her tight and chase away whatever bad dreams plagued her. 

Now we are lucky if we sleep an entire night, with the both of us trembling and sobbing. 

She kisses my tears away and my hands remain on her back. 

“It’s ok,” she keeps saying. “We’re ok. We’re together. No one will ever hurt you again.” 

“Katniss--“ I choke out but she shushes me with a finger on my lips and continues to stroke my curls back. It takes us some time but we finally manage to find our way back from the darkness. Her arms are wrapped around my neck and her face rests on my shoulder. I blink down at her and pull her back to look at me.

“Are you alright?” we ask at the same time. She smiles.

“I am. Are you?”

“I am.”

“If I had known…that song…”

“It’s ok. I didn’t know either. I didn’t really think about it.” She pulls me close and buries her face in my neck. I close my eyes and allow her to invade my senses completely. I feel weak and completely drained. She glances warily at the bags of mail and she turns back to me.

“Why don’t we come back to these tomorrow? Let’s take a bath and go to bed.” I nod and she scrambles off the couch, pulling me up with her. She fills the bathtub with lavender and smelling salts. The moment I touch the water, I’m relaxed. She props my prosthetic against the wall and pulls me against her chest. I grasp her folded arms across my chest and I close my eyes, getting lost in the feel of my wife’s protective hold.   
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We’ve been on vacation for nearly a week now and it’s not nearly as bad as I expected it to be. Katniss seems to be having a difficult time after our stay in 11. We decided we would try to stop in every district and do something fun or see one of their attractions. Since 11 is closest to 12, we stopped there first and I just remember the night before our first Games, when I sat in the training center listening to the crowd scream Katniss’s name. Except this time it was both our names coming from the haggard faces. People reached out to touch us and shake our hands. Katniss trembled next to me and I kept my arm wrapped around her the whole time. When Mrs. Cheler came forward with the rest of her children, she and Katniss broke down in each other’s arms. I wasn’t around during their alliance in the Games. I was busy with playing my part as a Career and then of course, bleeding to death on the bank. I don’t begrudge Katniss for choosing the little girl as an ally. After all, she believed I had betrayed her. The memory is still painful and I tried to convey my apologies in my caresses later that night. I think she understood but she has been very subdued ever since. The Mayor of 11 asked us to come on stage as they unveiled the memorial and Katniss’s hand clung tightly to mine. Rue wasn’t the only young one lost in the horror of the Hunger Games. Their memorial really highlights the children who were lost, as well as Seeder and Chaff, the two Victors we met during the Quarter Quell. 

Unfortunately, on our last night in 11, I had a flashback in which I couldn’t remember the exact details of how Thresh spared Katniss’s life. She had to remind me that he had killed Clove and was about to kill her as well, when he said he would let her go for Rue. Since I was drugged and sleeping during this time, I don’t remember any of it and it led to more aggressive questions about the Cave, which in turn led to a terrible night of “why did you lie to me” and “you don’t love me”. Katniss held me the entire night, rocking me back and forth and kissing my cheek while she ran her fingers through my hair. All I could think about was that night we were underground in the Capitol, before the lizard mutts attacked. I fell asleep to her stroking my hair and remember her gentle caresses. When I finally came back, I felt terrible. She was the one who needed comforting and yet here I was, the mutt in her arms. 

As we get closer to District 2, she fidgets in her seat on the train and won’t meet my eyes. I reach for her hand but I might as well be grasping air. 

“Katniss,” I whisper. “Honey, we don’t have to finish this trip. We can go home if you want.”

“I’m fine,” she says, sounding a million miles away. I sigh and bring her knuckles to my lips.

2 is even worse. We see pictures of Cato and Clove everywhere, as well as other familiar faces, like Brutus, who I killed myself on that terrible night. Enobaria is present at the memorial unveiling and she looks bored out of her mind. Katniss looks like she wants to jump onto the Victor and beat the living daylights out of her so I hurry her to the back of the crowd and keep my arm around her waist. After the crowd disperses, Enobaria smirks down at the pictures of past victors and looks back at Katniss.

“What do you think, Mockingjay? Think it was all worth it?”

“You tell me,” Katniss spits. “You’re no longer whored out for Snow’s pleasure.” My jaw drops at her bold words and Enobaria’s eyes narrow.

“This is quite a place to place a memorial. Panem’s precious Mockingjay nearly lost her life in this very spot.” Katniss’s eyes flicker and she looks around and I see her turn pale. My arms shoot out to steady her and she shakes her head. She briefly told me about her getting shot here , and I kick myself for bringing her to 2.

“Get the fuck away from me, Enobaria. I regret including you in the deal with Coin. I should have let you rot in the Capitol.”

“I wasn’t rotting you little bitch, I was having dinner with the president while they twisted and tortured your little baker here.” She takes a step closer and grins with those pointed teeth. “Oh yes…I stayed in the mansion and could hear his screams. They even asked me to partake in his torture. Has he told you everything he went through, Everdeen? Has he told you every… excruciating… detail?” My hands are starting to shake and my vision is going dark. All I can hear inside my head are screams. 

Johanna’s. Annie’s. Darius’s. Lavinia’s.

My own. Katniss leaps forward and I somehow manage to hold her back. She screams and writhes like a feral cat and I am reminded of the day that she murdered Coin. How she looked as she fought the guards, right after I stopped her from taking the nightlock.

This trip was such a bad idea. I think we’re going to be even more messed up by the time we get back to 12.


	83. Chapter 83

Peeta is making so many efforts to make sure I have a good time but I can’t get Enobaria’s words out of my head. How could she, a fellow Victor, sit there and listen to other Victors be tortured? Not that I’m surprised, with how bloodthirsty and brutal she was in the Games but still. Perhaps she was one of the few who liked her life under Snow’s rule. I don’t think everyone in 2 is happy that the rebels overthrew the Capitol. Paylor’s rule has been much better for Panem but I suppose there is more equality among the districts and the Capitol’s former lapdogs don’t like that much.

Peeta has managed to keep himself together. I was sure her words would make him have a flashback and he surprised me by dragging me back to our hotel and holding my shaking form until I fell asleep. 

We both decide to forgo the Capitol. We’ve spent enough time there and this trip has been hard enough. I’ll admit I have had some fun, and Peeta has dragged me around for shopping trips and fancy dinners. I’m ready to go back to my simple life in 12 though. District 12 may not be luxurious or grandeur but I sort of like the way we live. If we weren’t Victors, I can imagine my life as a simple baker’s wife.   
Effie is saddened to hear that we won’t be stopping in the Capitol but she, George, and Johanna meet us in 1 for dinner one night. Her Academy keeps her busy and George and Johanna are helping her with seminars right now. I’m sort of surprised Johanna is ok with being in the Capitol. We have a pleasant evening with quiet conversation. During dinner, Johanna drags me into the bathroom and fixes her wide eyes on me.

“What,” I ask warily.

“I think I’m pregnant.”   
I can only stand and stare at her. Gape, more like. My jaw is on the floor and my heart is pounding. What can I say to that? She’s watching me, waiting for me to respond.

“And,” is all I can muster up. She scowls at me.

“That’s really all you can say, brainless?”

“Well I’m sorry. What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me it’s going to be ok,” she says softly and my breath hitches. How can I tell her that? I can’t even tell myself that. Too many times have I woken up from my nightmares, convinced we are still in the arena. Too many times do I imagine the next ruler of Panem reinstating the Hunger Games. Too many times do I think about the moment when Peeta tires of me and leaves me.  
Or when something terrible happens to him and I lose him forever. I swallow and feel my tongue has gone very dry.

“What did George say?” She looks up at me and is quiet. I swallow again.

“You haven’t told him?”

“I…I can’t. Not yet.” 

“Jo…he has to know.”

“I know! I just…I don’t know what he will think.” I watch her, cocking my head. She looks so vulnerable. So unlike Johanna Mason.

“You know he wants kids. He’s going to be so excited.”

“What if I’m a terrible mother, Katniss? What do I do?”

“You won’t be. And you’re not alone. George will be a wonderful father. And you have Peeta and Annie and me to help you. You know you’ll never be alone again.” She throws herself in my arms and sobs and I awkwardly pat her on the back. I’m afraid the boys will be wondering where we are so I tenderly clean her face with a wet paper towel and give her a tight hug.

That night as I lay in Peeta’s arms, I dream about a beautiful little girl with blonde curls and bright blue eyes. She looks like Prim and has the sweetest smile. The dream shifts and I actually see Prim standing in the meadow. I run up to her and throw my arms around her, sobbing into her dress. She pulls away and gives me a sad smile, her eyes going to something behind me. I turn and see another little girl, toddling toward us. She has the same bright blue eyes but her hair is dark as mine, braided with little blue ribbons around the ends. I turn back to Prim, my eyes wide and she nods, still smiling. The little girl reaches us and reaches up toward me. I back away, into Prim, and she gently pushes me forward.

When I wake up, I decide not to tell Peeta about my dream. We’ve been together 6 years and although it has crossed my mind, I still don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have kids.

As we board the train to go home, he takes my hand and I turn back to him. His smile is wide and it completely transforms his face.

‘What,” I can’t help but laugh at his goofy expression.

“Nothing. I just love you.” I roll my eyes but lean in for a kiss.

“I love you too. Come on, I want to see what the dining car has for us this time.” 

“Not cheesebuns, I promise you,” he chuckles as he follows me to our compartment. 

When we arrive back in 12, Annie cooks a big dinner and invites everyone to welcome us back. Peeta holds a sleeping Dex while Delly and Annie talk animatedly. Rory sets down his glass and clears his throat.

“Did you see Gale while you were in 2?” I see Peeta’s eyes dart over to me but I focus on my plate.

“He, um…he was sort of busy with his girlfriend. We didn’t have a lot of time to catch up.” Rory frowns.

“I would think he would have made time for you.” I shrug in what I hope is an offhand way. In all honesty, Gale and I didn’t even see each other. 

Peeta had a headache and really wanted a nap but I was restless and said I was going out. He was worried but I convinced him I would be fine. I had Gale’s number and tried to call, but no one had answered. So I found myself walking around the town center, near the memorial. I stared at the picture of Lyme, the former Victor I had met during the war when I was here in 2. With Gale. How she and Gale had argued over the Nut and Gale’s traps. 

This is where I’d kissed Gale. My heart did strange flipflops in my chest and I scowled. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I thinking of this when I am here on vacation with my husband? My perfect husband who loves me unconditionally. Yet I can clearly remember our conversation. 

"What's going on in your head?" 

"I don't know," I whisper back. 

"Then it's like kissing someone who's drunk. It doesn't count," he says with a weak attempt at a laugh. He scoops up a pile of kindling and drops it in my empty arms, returning me to myself. 

"How do you know?" I say, mostly to cover my embarrassment. "Have you kissed someone who's drunk?"

"No. But it's not hard to imagine." 

"So, you never kissed any other girls?" 

"I didn't say that. You know, you were only twelve when we met. And a real pain besides. I did have a life outside of hunting with you," he says, loading up with firewood. 

Suddenly, I'm genuinely curious. "Who did you kiss? And where?" 

"Too many to remember. Behind the school, on the slag heap, you name it," he says. 

I roll my eyes. "So when did I become so special? When they carted me off to the Capitol?" 

"No. About six months before that. Right after New Year's. We were in the Hob, eating some slop of Greasy Sae's. And Darius was teasing you about trading a rabbit for one of his kisses. And I realized...I minded," he says softly. 

 

I swallowed and shook myself. I should see him while I’m here in 2, I thought. So I asked a soldier standing nearby where was the home of Commander Gale Hawthorne and he said he would drive me.

It wasn’t far away and it was a very nice house. The soldier waited in his car while I nervously knocked at the door. It opened and I sucked in a breath.  
A very pregnant woman was standing in the doorway, her eyebrow raised. She had long blonde hair and rich brown eyes. She was beautiful…and was very nearly glaring at me.

“Yes?” Her tone indicated I was not welcome.

“Um. Hi. Is your…um, is Gale home?”

“He’s out. I can give him a message if you want?” 

“Uh, no. It’s ok. Thank you.” She closed the door tightly and I stopped at the sound of a deep voice from inside.

“Ghilda? Who was at the door?”

“One of those brats from the school, trying to sell something,” came her voice. I froze and debated knocking again. But I decided against it and almost ran back to the car. The Soldier said nothing as he drove me back to the hotel. 

As soon as I got back, I threw the blankets aside and pulled Peeta’s cock out of the confines of his jeans. It didn’t take long for him to wake up to me licking up and down his shaft. As his eyes fluttered open I climbed on top of him and rode him fiercely. We reached our peaks quickly and he pulled me into his arms and kissed me tenderly. He whispered over and over how much he loved me and how lucky he was.  
I felt sick. I excused myself to go the bathroom and I threw up. Why was I feeling this…jealousy? Gale isn’t a part of my life anymore. We will never be the friends that we once were. 

I thought I was ok with that. Clearly I have some issues. 

“Katniss,” comes Annie’s gentle voice. I blink and shake my head. 

“Sorry, I’m in a bit of a daze.” I can feel Peeta’s eyes boring into me but I take a sip of water and put on a smile. Not long after that, Peeta puts the baby in Delly’s arms and sets a hand on my back.

“We should probably get back before Katniss falls asleep at the table. We didn’t sleep much on the train.” Annie nods and stands up to hug us.

“Thank you so much for this, Annie,” I say as I embrace her. I turn to give Rory a hug and he bites his lip.

“I’m sorry if I caused any trouble.” I frown.

“What do you mean? What trouble?” His eyes go behind me, to Peeta and I turn to look at him. His smile seems strained and he looks tense. I sigh and shake my head.

“Don’t worry, Rory, we’re alright.” He nods and I allow Peeta to steer me back to our home.   
He follows me up the stairs without saying a word. I can feel him watching me as I dress for bed. Finally I can’t take it anymore. I throw my jeans aside and whirl around.

“What,” I snap and I see his eyes widen.

“I knew there was something going on with you,” he says quietly. “I thought it was just the whole thing with District 11 but no, it’s something else. Something to do with him.”

“Oh for crying out loud, Peeta!” 

“So lie to me and tell me it’s not!” I march up to him and stab him in the chest with my finger.

“When are you going to get the hell over this, Peeta? I married you, damn it! Not him! I chose YOU!” 

“So tell me what’s bothering you,” he yells back, his face red. 

“It’s nothing, ok? Just drop it!” I run into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. I lean over the sink and stare at my reflection. Ugh. I look a mess. I splash some water on my face and decide to take a shower.

When I get out, I feel refreshed and a lot better. I decide I need to apologize to Peeta; he’s just being a good husband who cares about me. For some messed up reason, I keep managing to hurt him with my heartless words.

I immediately see that he is not in our bedroom. I hurriedly dress for bed and hurry down to the kitchen, which is empty. I don’t see him in the living room either and panicked, I start calling his name. I run back upstairs and down the hall, crying out for him. I freeze when I see his studio door ajar. I start to knock but think better of it, and push it open a tiny bit. 

He’s sitting behind his easel, painting furiously. His face is red and he keeps shaking his head, his shoulders tense and hunched.

“Mutt…fucking mutt,” I hear him mutter to himself and I stifle a sob. But only seconds later, I watch him slap himself and mutter other words. Love. Wife. Adore. Perfect.

Mutt. Mutt. MUTT. 

I pull the door shut and lean against it, squeezing my eyes shut, hoping to keep the tears at bay. But I have no luck. I slide down the door and pull my knees to my chest, hiding my face in my lap as the tears fall. 

I have no idea how long I stay there and don’t even realize I have fallen asleep. I feel the door move behind me and I fall backwards. At the same time, something stumbles over me and falls into a crumpled heap.

“What the--“ I hear an angry voice and I lean up to see Peeta frowning down at me.

“Katniss what the hell are you doing?” 

“I’m…I’m sorry. I fell asleep against the door, I guess…I didn’t mean to…are you ok?” 

“I’m fine,” he mutters as he rubs his knee. “Are you?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’m fine.” He nods and stands up. I glance up at him and see him holding a hand out for me to take. I do and he pulls me to my feet and takes a step back. 

“Why are you sleeping outside my studio?” 

“I…I came in to apologize. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, I should never take it out on you but I do and I…I’m sorry, Peeta.”

“Katniss,” he sighs tiredly. His hands twitch by his sides and I just want his hands on my skin. I chance a glance up at him and see that he is still frowning. He looks puzzled…troubled, even.

“You came into the studio? Last night?” I nod and he swallows. 

“I, um…you didn’t…say anything to me. I mean, did you,” sighing, he runs his fingers through his messy hair. “I didn’t…do anything, did I?”

“No. I…heard you and just…” Ugh. Why are words so damn hard? Like feelings. Feelings are hard and it’s not the first time that I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to fall so hard for this man.

I scoff. Allowed myself? He pushed his way into my heart. Peeta was always meant to be the one to break down the walls around my heart. No one else could. Gale certainly couldn’t. He had enough walls himself. Our relationship would be so detrimental to our mental state. 

I reach for his hands and bring them to my cheeks. He exhales sharply but doesn’t move beyond that. 

“I’m so sorry,” I breathe out. “I don’t know why I’m so hardheaded sometimes.” I see his lips twitch slightly. “You’re my husband and I’m supposed to share everything with you, especially my feelings, and I…I just…” I hang my head and he holds my face in his hands.

“You’re not supposed to do anything,” he says firmly. “I want you to share things with me because you love me. Because you trust me. Because you believe I will try to help. Relationships take work, Katniss. Marriage is hard. We have to work at this and we can’t let ourselves think there is any one way things are supposed to be. Talk to me because you want to. Not because you married me.” 

“Ok,” I nod, kissing his fingers that are gripping my cheek. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “Ghilda is pregnant.” 

“And why does that bother you so much? Aren’t you happy for him?”

“I guess I’m just disappointed that he didn’t tell me. He acts like….like we never meant anything to each other! He has the nerve to come in here and act jealous and still put you down…scorn me for choosing you. And yet he is having a baby and he never told me!”

“Maybe he’s afraid of what you’ll say,” he says as he pushes a strand of hair out of my eyes. “You never wanted to get married or have children. He did. Then he sees you happily married and he’s not sure how to react. Especially since you married a Merchant. Katniss…the last time he was in 12…you remember when he came to the house and asked me to walk with him?” I nod, waiting for him to continue. I remember how pale Peeta was when he returned home that night. How quiet he was and I had asked him time and time again what Gale had told him. 

“What did he say to you?”

“Lots of things. But what shocked me the most was…he thanked me for saving your life. And he said…I don’t know if I believe this, Katniss, but he told me he didn’t know if he would have been able to do it, if he had volunteered for me, I mean.” My brow furrows as I look up into his eyes. What? 

“You had Prim and your mother to look after. Gale had his brothers and sister and his mother. He was thinking of making it home to them, to keep them alive, like you were with your family. The moment I heard my name at the Reaping I was thinking of ways to keep you alive and make sure you made it back home.”

“You had a family too,” I protest. He scoffs.

“They didn’t need me to survive. I told you no one needs me.”

“And I told you I do,” I say firmly. “I need you. I can survive without you though.” I emphasize the word and give him a pointed look. He frowns and looks shocked and hurt. His mouth opens uncertainly and I shake my head.

“You don’t remember, do you? That I’d pick whoever I think I can’t survive without.” He goes pale and he bites his lip.

“Katniss-“

“You didn’t disagree with him, Peeta. You kept quiet.”

“What did you expect? I wasn’t myself, Katniss, I still had flashes of wanting to kill you and I truly expected to die in the Capitol.”

“Me too,” I say with a stoney face. “When I went to 2, I didn’t think I would ever see you again. When I went to the Capitol, I expected to die on the mission. I wasn’t even thinking about ‘choosing’ between you and Gale, all I was thinking about was killing Snow!”

“I know,” he says quietly. “But I don’t think you’ll ever realize how much I wanted to die after hearing you say shooting me… it would be like shooting one of the Capitol’s mutts.” He swallows and his hands fall to his side. I remember those awful words coming out of my mouth and my anger fades.

“I’m…I’m sorry for everything, Katniss. Everything I said…or did…”

“Peeta stop,” I lean up and take his face in my hands. He stares at the floor in misery. “Look at me. Peeta. Look at me.” When he obeys, his eyes are full of tears. 

“I thought we’ve been over this, a million times. Stop apologizing for the past. It’s over. It’s done with. We can move on. We can live happily because we deserve to.”

“You’re right though, Katniss. You can survive without me. You’re--“

“I said I can survive without you. But I can’t live without you and I would certainly be dead if not for you.” The white scar on his finger seems to glow. He blinks back tears   
and lifts his head.

“Surviving and living. What’s the difference, Katniss? Why do you think you need me?”

“Because you’ve given me hope and the promise of a better tomorrow. A brighter future. You’re my dandelion, Peeta.” Anyone else would be baffled at those words but his face softens, his eyes are brighter, and a smile crosses his face. He pulls me into his arms and I stand on my tiptoes so I can wrap my arms around his neck. I bury my face in his shoulder and breathe him in. Cinnamon and dill. A hint of vanilla. It’s distinctly Peeta and it’s wonderful.

“I fought for years for my survival. Mine and Prim’s and my mother’s. I hunted to keep us alive. I teamed up with Gale to keep us alive, but I never really lived until you loved me. I didn’t know that life could be like that. I’d survived for years without you, Peeta, but I now know I can’t live without you.” 

His arms go underneath my knees and he lifts me up and carries me to our room, his lips planted firmly on mine. 

We spend the rest of the day talking while we lay side by side in the bed. He tells me everything Gale told him. I tell him everything that he missed while he was getting better in 13. He tells me how his treatments went in 13, I tell him about the propos that Cressida and Plutarch had me film while he was in captivity. We start talking about our childhoods…his brothers, Prim, my father, my time with Rue in the Games. We talk well into the night and I curl up against his chest and listen to his heart thump against his chest. 

“Katniss?” I let out a muffled “mmhm” to let him know I am listening.

“I’m the luckiest man in the world.” I’m too tired to refute that statement. I settle for shaking my head and burrowing into him even further so his arms are completely enveloping me. They tighten around me and his warm breath on my face comforts me as we fall asleep.   
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning I wake to freshly baked muffins on the nightstand and an empty bed. There is a note with a dandelion on the pillow next to me and my first instinct is to panic, since the last note he left on our bed was not a good one. 

I couldn’t wake you, you looked so beautiful. Gone to help out at the bakery but will be home this afternoon. I love you.  
-Peeta 

I chew on a muffin while I read in bed, enjoying the quiet and feeling at peace. I push the window open just a little and watch the snow fall when the phone breaks me out of my reverie. Sure that it’s Peeta calling (who else would it be? Haymitch is with Effie and Annie’s phone is being worked on by some of Brent’s people), I answer it with a sly smile.

“Aren’t you ready to come home yet? I’m ready for you to come take me against the wall--“

“Stop right there,” I hear a panicked voice that is definitely not Peeta’s. I freeze and I’m sure someone could cook an egg on my flushing face. “I don’t want to hear what baker boy does to you when you’re home alone!”

“Jo! What…I thought you were doing seminars with your husband!”

“I am! Well, he is off doing a seminar and he wanted me to explore the city a little bit but I said fuck that, I have seen more than enough of the Capitol to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.” Still blushing, I clear my throat.

“Um…ok…is…is everything ok?” I hear her cackle into the phone.

“I can just picture you blushing beet red right now. So Peeta does have a dominant side, then, does he? You like it when he takes you--“

“Johanna!” I hit my own forehead with the phone. “Just…no.” She howls with laughter and I have to do everything I can to keep from becoming a puddle on the floor. Or crawling into a hole and dying.

“Ok, Ok, I’ll stop. I was just calling to tell you…I’m not pregnant.” I grip the phone tighter as I hear her voice becomes sadder.

“How…how do you feel?”

“I don’t know,” she says quietly. “Relieved. Disappointed. Scared. I’m glad I didn’t tell him.”

“It could just be another false test?”

“I went to a doctor this morning. She said the first reading was false. Some of these home pregnancy tests are still pretty whack from the Capitol. But Katniss, I…I think I wanted it.” This surprises me. Johanna and I are much the same. We are tough and unyielding. Finn opened our hearts to kids but I’m too terrified to have them and I know Johanna doesn’t want them because of her nightmares. I’m still amazed that Annie does it so wonderfully. With how messed up we are, I don’t know how a Victor can have a child. But as Peeta said, we make our own happily ever afters. I guess for many, a baby is in that happily ever after. I know Peeta wishes it was in his. I didn’t expect it from Johanna.

“So you try again,” I say simply. “There’s no reason you can’t have kids, Jo. And you and George would make great parents.”

“I’m scared.”

“Of course you’re scared. That’s the scariest thing in the world!”

“I’m scared of what will happen if I wake it up with my nightmares. Or what if George gets tired of me and leaves me alone with this kid? What if it grows up to resent me? What if--“

“Johanna,” I say gently, stopping her. “Stop with the what if’s. They never help. Think about the when. When you hold your baby for the first time and see he has your eyes. When George carries him in on his shoulders and you are cooking dinner. When he throws his arms around you and tells you he loves you and that he is glad you are his mommy. Yes it is scary. But it can be wonderful. It WILL be wonderful.” There is silence for the longest time.

“Sounds like you have thought about this a lot, Katniss.”

“Johanna--“

“Why, Katniss? Why are you still so afraid? Don’t you see, you will make a great mother too? Think about! Us being pregnant at the same time!” I laugh but there is no humor to it.

“Sorry, can’t see that happening. But Peeta and I would love another godchild. Talk to George about it. You can start trying, really trying for one, and see what happens. You’re young, Johanna, you guys have lots of time to start a family.”

“I know. I guess…the terror of an accidental pregnancy kind of opened me up to the idea. And now I want one. I think.”

“Well, be sure about it first.”

“Katniss…I won’t rant to you about how I think you’re being unfair to Peeta. You’ve heard it before and I know you still think about it. But…I think you should really consider it for yourself. You, Katniss Mellark, are an amazing role model. And it would be a shame not to see little mockingjays running around Panem.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I say with a chuckle. I hear the door close downstairs and nearly drop the phone. “I have to go, Jo, Peeta’s home.”

“Oh yeah, let him take you against that wall.”

“Johanna,” I groan and she laughs.

“I’ll talk to you soon, brainless. Give my love to bread boy.”

“Bye Jo.” 

I hang up as Peeta is rounding the corner and stops in the doorway. His face is smeared with flour and his curls are standing on end.

“There’s my girl.” 

“Was I missing?” He sweeps me up and kisses me and I feel lightheaded. I always feel dizzy from our kisses. His kisses are like morphling. They completely relax me and take over my senses and make me hunger for even more. He sets me down and looks around the study.

“Were you actually using the phone?” I smack him at his teasing tone and he chuckles.

“Excuse you. I answer the phone when it rings. And Johanna called from the Capitol. She sends her love by the way.”

“She getting bored with the fashion seminars yet?”

“I think she’s just taking a day off. But it’s hard for her to be there without George. You can imagine how she feels about touring around the Capitol.” A pained   
expression crosses his face and he nods.

“I can imagine.” 

“So what are we doing today?”

“Well the snow is really coming down out there. I thought cuddling in front of the fireplace with some hot chocolate sounded pretty good.”   
I kiss his nose and smile up at him. Nothing makes me happier than when I see his lips curl up into a grin.

“Sounds perfect.”   
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I close my eyes as his fingers work at my feet, his talented hands causing shivers to run up and down my body. His eyes are glued to the TV, some boring program about a cake competition in the Capitol and I lean my head back against the cushion, feeling too comfortable to move. I hear the program go off and he picks up the remote control from the table beside the couch. Before he can turn it off, however, I hear him suck in a breath and hear my name only seconds later.

“-accused of plotting the kidnapping and possible murder of Panem’s Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen Mellark. The group known as the Red Revoluntionaries disbanded after their leader was captured and today President Paylor received a request from District 13, asking for amnesty for the leader of the Revolutionaries, Doctor Tallon Linger, who called himself Teacher. President Paylor refused to comment but her war secretary did tell us this:

“The President has the Mockingjay’s best interests at heart and was furious when she was kidnapped. Anyone who was involved with the plot against her life will be justly punished and the President will not likely be lenient with any of them. I don’t know what answer she will give the district, but I can assure you, she respects Katniss Everdeen and will do everything she can to protect her.”

“Interesting but you have to agree, we have already known this,” the reporter goes on to say, looking bored. “What Panem would like to know is the fascinating connection Dr. Linger had to the Mockingjay during her stay in 13. And we have that story for you tonight.” I sit up and frown at the TV, pulling my feet out of Peeta’s lap. Another reporter comes on, standing in front of the old Justice Building in 13. I’m getting sick of seeing these shots of that building.

“We’re standing in District 13 and earlier entered the medical center that Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark were admitted to during their stay here. Sources informed us that Doctor Linger was one of the doctors in charge of Peeta Mellark’s rehabilitation after his rescue from the Capitol. As you well know, Mellark was tortured and returned with altered memories and frequent to violent episodes. It was even reported that Mellark tried to kill Everdeen himself after his return. This torture, we have learned, is known as hijacking, in which the victim’s memories are altered by torture and tracker-jacker venom. The amounts of venom found in Mellark’s bloodstream were alarmingly high and it was unknown if he would ever return to his former self. Sources inform us of a psychiatrist who helped Mellark during his rehabilitation and is reported to still have contact with the Victor. Doctor Marco Aurelius refused to comment and firmly told us to ‘keep our noses out of other people’s business, especially former victors whose lives deserve some privacy.’” The reporter snorts and I chance a glance at Peeta, who has gone pale. I reach for his hand and feel him squeeze mine but his eyes refuse to leave the TV.


	84. Chapter 84

“It is reported that Mellark’s condition improved and by the time he returned to his home in District 12, he had virtually cured himself. His former mentor, Haymitch Abernathy, firmly told reporters that he was so much better and he would never do anything to harm Everdeen. But that’s not altogether true is it? Recent reports say before Everdeen’s kidnapping, she was admitted to the hospital for severe injuries which included a broken jaw,” Peeta lets out a strangled gasp at this and I feel my heart racing at the thought of what this might be doing to him. “Though Everdeen refused to admit what had happened to her, Mellark, her husband by this time, suspiciously disappeared and only returned to the district when Everdeen’s disappearance was reported. But we’re getting off subject here, aren’t we? So we take you to Chase Bridges, who is inside the medical center at this moment.” The camera flashes to a younger reporter with red hair and a cheeky smile.

“Thanks Lyles. We’re inside the District 13 medical center and just recently spoke to several specialists who worked under Doctor Linger. Though they wish for their name to be protected, one of the specialists presented me with Doctor Linger’s notes and reports on Mellark’s condition. Many of them seem to be signed by the district’s president, Alma Coin. Many of the reports include specific instructions to keep Mellark’s treatment slow and unsuccessful. It is quoted that President Coin told Linger that Mellark was not to be fully restored to his pre-hijacked self until the Mockingjay was dead.” Peeta gasps and squeezes my hand. I lean up to grab the remote from him but he holds it out of reach.

“Peeta, turn it off.”

“No Katniss. I need to…I can’t believe…”

“Peeta!” He ignores me and instead turns the volume up. 

“I’m sorry Chase, but do you mean to say President Coin had every intention of Katniss Everdeen dying in the Revolution?”

“That is exactly what I am saying. Though we have no reports of the secret meetings held between the president and the Mockingjay, one thing is certain. Alma Coin gave orders to halt Mellark’s treatment before she sent him to the Capitol to participate in a secret mission that involved Everdeen. Linger includes in his reports that ‘the President took extra measures to ensure Mellark’s hatred for Everdeen was stronger than ever, so that he would be instrumental in her death.’ Coin seemed to have visited Mellark often and spoke to him about Everdeen. She was disappointed when it seemed that he was getting better and did not feel such strong anger towards the Mockingjay. She ordered Linger to cease his treatments and continue a tiny dose of tracker-jacker venom that would keep his fears and anxiety present in his mind. Since the Capitol chose to alter his memories of Everdeen, Coin continued to do the same and Linger delivered daily reports on Mellark’s condition. When Mellark left for the Capitol, however, all treatments including the daily poisoning, were ceased. This may explain why Mellark was able to fight the poison after some time spent in the Capitol medical ward under the care of Doctor Marco Aurelius. When asked about these accusations, Linger admitted to being the doctor in charge of Mellark’s continued torture in District 13. 

‘President Alma Coin knew what was best for this country and the measures she took, no matter how extreme, were to better the lives of the people of Panem. The Mockingjay needs to be disposed of, for Panem cannot flourish as it should while she lives. President Coin knew this. I was just attempting to finish her work.’   
While District 13 is pleading for amnesty in favor of insanity, many people are pleading for the death penalty. Some of those closest to Everdeen and Mellark, including Haymitch Abernathy and former Victor Johanna Mason, argue that even though the Revolutionaries has been disbanded, while Linger is alive, the Mockingjay is still in danger. What do you all think of these revelations? We’re taking callers right now! Caller number one, go ahead, you’re live!” 

“Hi there, umm, I just wanted to say…I have always supported the star-crossed lovers of District 12! I loved watching them in the Games together. But I don’t think she’s safe with him anymore. What they did to him is just too terrible…and I don’t think he’ll ever fully recover enough for her to be safe.”

“Well thanks, Caller One! Not sure if we agree or disagree but it’s great to hear your input! Caller Two, go ahead!”

“That doctor is a monster and should be executed just like Coin was! What right does he have to meddle in these poor children’s’ lives? Peeta Mellark was a kind boy and he didn’t deserve any of this! I’d even go as far to say the whole thing is Katniss Everdeen’s fault! She should have just eaten those berries in the first arena.” The reporter’s eyes widen while I feel all breath leave me.

“Well that’s a bit harsh but thanks for your input. Caller Three, you’re live.”

“I just wanted to say that I think you should all be ashamed of yourselves. Katniss and Peeta are finally married and happy and they don’t need this drama or bull-BEEP in their lives. That doctor should be locked up for the rest of his life, along with all of his specialists. It’s not the boy’s fault, what happened to him. And if Katniss decides he is safe enough to be with, who are we to question that? Just leave those kids alone for BEEP sake.”

“Well, thanks Caller three…”

I register Peeta’s heavy breathing and I fight to keep my own breathing under control. I feel our hands tremble together and I choke back tears.

“Peeta,” I whisper. He shakes his head and shivers overtake him all over. He’s going into a flashback. I can’t let this happen. I reach out to hold him and he jerks back.

“Stay away Katniss. I need to…I have to get out of here…”

“Peeta, no! Stay with me. I can help you. Just don’t leave me.” He lowers his head and grips his hair. I choke back a sob as I hold his hands down so he won’t hurt himself.

“Peeta,” I whisper as I lean in closer. “I love you so much. I’d die without you. You are my everything and I…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner. I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you how much you mean to me. Peeta look at me.” His eyes are squeezed shut even as I grip his face. I plant soft kisses all over his face and finally his lips. He tries to jerk back again but I hold on, just as I did all those years ago in the Capitol.

“Real, Peeta. My love for you is so real. Come back to me. Stay with me.” 

“K-Katniss.” 

It’s a long night for both of us. We’re curled up in the floor in front of the fireplace, his head in my lap and his arms wrapped around mine. He whimpers and pleads and I fight to bring him back from the terrors that plague him. I hate the world right now. Even when I thought he was safe, when I thought he was getting better, people did everything they could to make sure he would never come back to me. The fact that he is here in my lap still astounds me. Even more now that I know what I know. 

Around four in the morning, I feel him carrying me to our room and he pulls me under the covers beside him. I bury my face in his chest and refuse to give him any space, for fear I may lose him if I move. Slowly he comes back to himself and he kisses me sweetly, whispering words of love into my hair. We don’t talk about what we just saw. There’s not much we can say. We know how unfair the world is. We knew that when we were old enough to understand the Reaping. We have been through hell and more, but my Peeta truly showed them. I could care less what the world thinks; I have never cared and can only think about Peeta’s reactions. He doesn’t bring it up the next day and neither do I. We go about our lives as if we never saw the damn news report. We spend our days and our nights wrapped around each other so that we can completely ignore the outside world that threatens our perfect piece of paradise.   
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Fifteen years. I cannot believe that Peeta and I celebrated our fourteenth wedding anniversary in November and now that we are into January of the new year, it will be fifteen years this November. Where has the time gone? People say it flies when you’re having fun and I suppose the same goes for when you are happy. Being with Peeta is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Being this happy is something I never thought I would have. We still have bad days, we still have arguments but I guess we have been through enough together that keeps us from going to bed without speaking. One of us always apologizes and I make sure to kiss him before we go to sleep.   
His flashbacks are few and he manages to keep them at bay by gripping something nearby. If I am around, I wrap my arms around him and press my cheek to his back, whispering against his skin all of the reasons why I love him.

Not much has changed over the years. Finn looks exactly like Finnick and is starting to steal hearts all around District 12. Effie and Haymitch live comfortably in Haymitch’s renovated house across from us, though Effie still makes occasional trips to the Capitol to oversee her Academy. Mellark Family Bakery is doing so wonderfully that Peeta opened two other locations in different districts. He sometimes leaves to check on the stores but I either accompany him or he makes sure to return as soon as he can. We are never apart for very long. We don’t want to be. I can safely say Peeta’s arms is where I feel the safest. It’s what I call my home.

Speaking of home, I feel like I have left behind a bit of my District 12 past. My mother knew about Gale’s pregnant girlfriend and never said anything to me. He wound up calling me about a year after his son was born. I was furious with both of them and I remember Peeta coaxing me to talk to them but I refuse. They both got the hint and have left me alone. Gale didn’t tell me why he waited so long to tell me. Rory has severed all ties with his brother as well, which I imagine is difficult since Vick has gone to 2 to get a job with Gale and Posy asks when her brothers will be returning. Peeta tries to keep Rory calm and tries to convince him that his brother still loves him. The fact is, Gale kept his news to himself, or at least, away from his family for a long time. Hazelle wept when she first found out, from my mother no less. Though whether it was from joy or disappointment, I don’t know. To this day, I don’t speak to Gale or my mother. 

The Orphanage has been completely renovated and I was in charge of overseeing the construction to the units in Victor’s Village. As part of the Mockingjay Relocation Project, foster families or families wanting to adopt could rent a home here in Victor’s Village. Brent’s office has been busy drawing up the correct papers and there are so many more happy children in 12 than there ever have been. Prim would be proud to see how much has changed. Delly often brings Dex by and tells me that it is thanks to Peeta and I that her she doesn’t fear the Reaping or imagine a terrible fate for her son in the Arena. Dex loves to wrap his arms around Peeta’s neck and ride his back. Finn is too old for such things anymore but at least he still loves to spend time with Peeta, either baking or riding horses. 

I still visit my woods often. Though I don’t have any need to hunt anymore, I still go out there to just reconnect with nature and be at ease. Peeta understands it is still my refuge. Sometimes he accompanies me. Most of the time he just lets me be. 

Panem has flourished. We are in the history books and it still bothers me but I just have to look around and see how much the country has changed, how much I have changed, and I have to smile. Peeta and I, we are doing more than just living. We’re living happily. Our lives are not perfect, I don’t know if anything is, but it’s as close to perfect as I think I could get. 

I hear a sound behind me and I jump to my feet, still alert and cautious after all these years. I see two women hold their arms up and I lower my bow.

“What have I told you about sneaking up on me out here,” I say with a scowl. “I could have shot you.”

“If you didn’t kill me during the Quell, I don’t think you’d do it out here,” Johanna says with a wink. I roll my eyes and shake my head. Annie gives me a sweet smile.

“Peeta was getting worried. You’ve been out here for hours.”

“I lost track of time,” I say with a shrug.

“We know, which is why we said we would come out here to get you.” Johanna moves closer and my eyes go to her stomach. Under her shirt you can make out the slightest bump. Her eyes follow mine and she smiles.

“Give me your hand.” She pulls my hand to her belly and moves my fingers around until I am left wondering what the hell she is doing. Then I feel it. A sort of flutter, the faintest of movements, if I wasn’t expecting something I probably would have missed it. Her eyes are sparkling when I look up at her.

“You told him, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. Finally. He was a little upset I waited so long. But he is so happy.” Annie and I throw our arms around our pregnant friend and she laughs as she is sandwiched between us. 

“When,” Annie asks breathlessly.

“End of July. Hopefully earlier, since I seem to be growing at an alarming rate, as the doctor says.”

“It’s not twins is it,” I ask with wide eyes.

“God no! I probably won’t be able to handle one kid. Why would you wish two on me?”

“Johanna,” Annie chuckles. “You will be a wonderful mother. I am so happy for you.”

“Me too,” I tell her honestly, feeling tears well up in my eyes. I brush them away impatiently but Johanna takes my hand and gazes into my eyes.

“You never told him, did you?” I swallow heavily. We swore we wouldn’t bring this up. It’s too painful and I never want to think about it. I feel Annie brush my hair aside and Johanna squeezes my hand as I shake my head.

About two years ago, I forgot to renew my pregnancy shot. Except this time, I didn’t freak out like I did years ago. I felt…excited. Scared definitely but still anxious and even happy. I decided to hold off on telling Peeta. I wanted to figure out a really wonderful way to tell him. I imagined seeing the look on his face. Not happiness but something that goes beyond that. I got giddy every time I thought about it. I kept the news to myself for several weeks until I finally called Annie and Johanna. They were both ecstatic but promised to keep it between us, even though they insisted I tell Peeta. 

The morning I was going to reveal my news, I woke up bleeding. I knew what had happened and it devastated me. Peeta woke up and freaked out until I told him it was just my normal monthly cycle. I insisted he go to work, like any other day, and as soon as he was gone, I called Annie and begged her to come over. She helped me clean up and she took the blankets and sheets away to clean. I couldn’t move from my bed for nearly two days. Peeta was baffled and begged me to tell him what was wrong. I remember Annie telling him in a hushed voice that he needed to just give me some time. I hated lying to my husband but how could I tell him that I could never give him what he wanted most in this world? I thank my lucky stars everyday that I never told him I was pregnant. It was devastating to me but I’m not sure how Peeta would have handled it. 

After that, I went back on birth control and I never told him what had really happened. Now I’m sobbing into Johanna’s shirt and Annie hugs me from behind. Now I am sandwiched in between my friends and they hold me and whisper comforting words.

“You can try again, Katniss,” Johanna whispers. “It’s never too late. I know you want it. I see the way you look at the kids at the orphanage. You want it and you know Peeta wants it.”

“He’s been so patient and wonderful,” I whimper. “He hasn’t mentioned children to me in years. He hasn’t pressured me or even asked me. It’s like he’s…forgotten about it.”

“He hasn’t forgotten about it, believe me. But there is no reason that you can’t go ahead and actually try for one.”

“I can’t, Jo. I can’t lose another one.” 

“Katniss, sweetie, that happens. It’s a part of life,” Annie says softly in my ear. “It doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Your doctor has already told you that you are perfectly healthy and there’s no reason you couldn’t bring a baby to term.” 

“We’re in our thirties now. Maybe we’re too old--“

“You’re in your early thirties,” Johanna says firmly. “Don’t you dare say you’re too old. I’m older than you, brainless!”

“You and Peeta are doing so wonderfully, why don’t you talk to him about it?” I nod and allow them to drag me back to Victor’s Village, where Peeta meets me at the entrance and sweeps me into the air for a kiss. We go into Annie’s house and have dinner with George, Johanna, Finn, Haymitch, and Effie but I don’t say anything. When Peeta and I return home and dress for bed, I don’t say anything.

I don’t say anything for nearly a whole year. 

But I don’t renew my birth control shot. My two years is up and when I get a call from my doctor asking me if I need to come in for an appointment to renew, I tell her no.   
Still, I don’t say anything to Peeta. 

Then, one night in October, everything changes.

I’m cooking dinner and waiting for Peeta to get home when the phone rings. I set the spoon aside and hurry over to the phone that was installed in the kitchen. 

“Mellark residence.”

“Yes, is Mr. Mellark available?”

“He’s at work at the moment. May I take a message?”

“Is this Mrs. Katniss Mellark?”

“Yes,” I say warily.

“Ah, wonderful. A big fan of yours, Mrs. Mellark. This is Doctor Thurill, in District 13. I just need to speak to Mr. Mellark about his upcoming surgical procedure and need to know if he is planning on spending the night in our hospital.” My knuckles whiten as I grip the phone.

“Surgical procedure?”

“Yes ma’am. You are aware of it…aren’t you?” I have to play along. It’s the only way I will get information out of this guy. Good thing he’s a fan.

“Yes of course. My husband doesn’t keep secrets from me. But he didn’t mention having to spend the night. How invasive is the procedure?” 

“A vasectomy typically takes 20-30 minutes but…” I block out the rest of his words. 

A vasectomy?! Why on earth would Peeta schedule a vasectomy?!

My heart is racing, my mind is reeling and I have no idea what to do. Why wouldn’t he tell me about this? Why in the HELL would he make this decision alone?

Well…didn’t I make the decision about kids alone? I haven’t told him I stopped my birth control.  
We are terrible spouses. Keeping such important secrets but this…I can’t let Peeta do this. Not when I think I am finally ready to give this a chance.

“Sir, I’m sorry but I need to go ahead and cancel Peeta’s appointment. We have talked it over some more and have decided not to take such permanent measures.”  
I actually hear him sigh in relief.

“I have to say that is a relief, Mrs. Mellark. I did try to talk him out of it but he seemed rather adamant. I must admit, I would love to see the offspring of the Star-Crossed   
Lovers. Do tell Mr. Mellark to call me if he has any questions in the future.” I quickly thank him and hang up. I lean against the wall and close my eyes.

Now what am I going to do?


	85. Chapter 85

I shiver as I lock up the bakery behind me. I decided not to bring the car with me today because I thought Katniss might want it to run some errands. Now I am regretting that decision. I pull my scarf around my face and walk at a brisk pace toward Victor’s Village. 

When I enter the house, the smell of pasta hits me and my mouth starts to water.

“Katniss,” I call to my wife as I hang up my coat and scarf. It’s only October but damn is it getting cold out lately. I stop and frown, as I haven’t gotten a reply from her.

“Katniss?” I try again as I head upstairs to the bedroom. She isn’t there nor is she in the bathroom. I hastily throw aside my work clothes and pull on some PJs before running back down the stairs.

I find her in the kitchen, sitting at the table with her face in her hands.

“Hey,” I drop by her side, my hands gripping hers. “Didn’t you hear me calling? Why didn’t you…what’s wrong?” I hear a sniffle and immediately know something is wrong. The pasta is sitting on the counter but the dishes are thrown aside as if she was in a hurry. She refuses to look at me and I have to fight to force her head up.

“Katniss, look at me. Dammit, would you look at me?” She raises her eyes and they are filled with tears. Her face is red and she looks more angry than sad. My brow furrows.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why Peeta?” Her lips barely move and I have to lean in closer to hear her.

“Why what?”

“Why would you plan to do that to yourself? To us?” My head is spinning. What the hell is she talking about?

“Katniss, I’m too tired for mind games. Please just tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Peeta I’m going to ask you something and I want your honest answer. No bullshit. Ok?” 

“I always give you an honest--“

“Peeta.” I shut up, sensing her anger is only growing. If I am going to talk her off a ledge tonight, I’ll need to keep my own temper in check. Before the hijacking, I was such a mild-mannered boy. I only remember losing my temper a couple of times, with very good reason. After my torture in the Capitol there are times I don’t even recognize myself. Katniss is very good at bringing me back to myself but our arguments can get very heated very quickly since we are both pretty stubborn. 

“No bullshit,” I nod in agreement, waiting for her to continue.

“Do you want children with me?” Ummm. Well shit, that is definitely NOT what I expected to come out of her mouth. I can only gape at her while she stares at me, with that scowl that I have fallen in love with.

“Katniss, why would you--“

“Just answer the question, Peeta. Do you still want children with me?” Is that not my dream every night and every morning? WHERE is she going with this? And why now, out of the blue?  
I freeze, my teeth biting down on my lip. SHIT. She must have found out about the vasectomy. 

I hated lying to her. But I also hate letting myself wish for it and have it never happen. Being married to Katniss is without a doubt the best thing to ever happen to me. I never thought I could be this happy. But I want more. I want a family with her. I crave children with her eyes and hair and my smile.   
I’m a patient husband. I try to be understanding and kind and loving, and the best man I can be for her. I have not asked her about children for several years, hoping she would bring the subject up one day. 

When it was evident that she was not going to, I decided to search for options.

And found myself at the District 13 Institute of Health for Men. Where they specialize in erectile dysfunctions and vasectomies. 

At first I couldn’t believe that I was there. I wanted children. Even if we somehow accidentally got pregnant…that would still be alright, wouldn’t it?  
But I couldn’t do that to the woman I loved more than life itself. And if she became pregnant by accident, she would have to decide if she wanted to keep it. There is no way I could handle her thinking about giving it up.

After some discussion with the doctor, I decided it was best for everyone if I did this. I would tell her afterwards. She would be angry but most likely relieved.   
I’m witnessing her anger but there is no relief whatsoever. Only anger and more anger. My girl on fire can move mountains when she has enough rage in her eyes. Like a lowly servant, I can only cower before her.

“Of course I do, Katniss,” I finally answer. “I have wanted a family with you since I was a little boy.” 

“Then WHY would you do something like this?” No point in pretending I don’t know what she’s talking about.

“I don’t know how you found out about my appointment but I swear I was going to tell you--“

“When? After the procedure? When the possibility of children was gone?” I wince. She hasn’t raised her voice, but it’s low and deep, and even more deadly than her yelling. I move up into a chair across from her and reach for her hand but she jerks it back. I bite my lip as I look into her eyes.

“Katniss I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to feel guilty. You know how badly I want kids and I don’t blame you that we haven’t had them. And I know we have Finn and Aran and Dex and Posy and Lara and all the kids around the Village…but I dream about OUR children, Katniss. And I’m just…tired of getting my hopes up. I still want them but I haven’t said anything to you because I thought you were still dead set against them. I won’t pressure you, honey. I know how afraid you are. And I didn’t…I didn’t want you to think I was pushing you.”

“Peeta, when have you ever pushed me? We make decisions together but you know better than anyone I can’t be pushed into something. I cancelled your appointment by the way.” I gape at her.

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I stopped my birth control!” Tears stream down her cheeks and I can see the fear in her eyes. But I don’t think it’s fear of the possibility of getting pregnant. It’s the fear of losing something so precious that we might not ever have in our possession. I reach forward and wipe her tears with my thumb, my hand caressing her face. She leans into my palm and closes her eyes. 

“Why didn’t you tell me,” I say softly.

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up. I don’t even know if I can get pregnant and I didn’t want you…I don’t know, jumping my bones trying to get me pregnant. I didn’t want anything to change between us.” I chuckle softly and kiss her nose.

“Katniss, you are the most infuriating woman I have ever met. But god do I love you.” I hold her face in my hands and kiss her softly. Her eyes flutter open when I pull away, my palms pressing into her cheeks. “Nothing will change between us. My love for you will never change. With or without kids. But we NEED to talk to each other. We have always been so open and honest, I don’t understand why both of us decided to keep this a secret.” She shrugs miserably.

“I don’t either. But I hate it.”

“I do too,” I agree. “So we’re agreed? No more secrets?”

“No more,” she says nodding and I lean forward to seal that promise with a kiss. The reality of the situation, of our conversation is just hitting me, and her words echo inside my head. She’s stopped her birth control. Does this mean what I think it means? Can it possibly be happening?

I jump to my feet and scoop her into my arms. She squeals as I yank her out of her chair and I carry her toward the stairs.

“Peeta, the dinner--“

“Can be reheated. There’s much more important things on my mind.” I set her on the bed and undress her slowly, taking my time to kiss and caress every piece of exposed flesh. I lean her back against our pillows and kiss her deeply, our tongues clashing together in passion and heat. Her hands wrap around my neck and I feel her fingers grip my hair as her kisses intensify. 

“Are we really doing this,” I ask against her lips. “Are we really going to try for a baby?”

“Real, Peeta. You have given me everything over the years. It’s time for me to give you something for a change.” I lean down and kiss her and reach back to take her hands off my neck. She looks surprised and I bite my lip, her words settling in.

“Don’t do this for me, Katniss. Do it for us. Don’t do this just because you think it will make me happy. I want you to want this too.”

“I do, Peeta. I want this with you.” My heart swells and my hands go to her hips, holding her steady as I pour every ounce of love into her lips.

“Let’s start trying now,” I say slyly in her ear and pull back to see a hazy look in her stormy eyes. 

I take my time with her, making her come undone several times before I push into her. I hold off as long as I can, relishing her screams and pleas and whimpers and using them to fuel this fire within me. When we finish, I collapse beside her and kiss her gently, allowing her to rest her head on my arm. My hand sneaks down to her stomach and I hold my palm over her belly, letting myself imagine for the first time that my child could be inside there.   
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Halloween has become one of my favorite holidays, second to Christmas. Katniss adjusts the halo around her dark hair and grins at me from across the room. Aran is squirming in my arms, trying to get to his mother and I huff.

“Johanna, are you almost ready? Your son is getting impatient.”

“He likes being in Uncle Peeta’s arms,” she calls from the other room. “You guys, I look like a complete dumbass.”

“Little ears,” I scold, shifting Aran to my other shoulder. Finn rolls his eyes.

“Seriously, Uncle Peeta? Aunt Jo’s dirty mouth still surprises you?”

“Not surprises me, no. But we still ask her to keep it appropriate around here,” I raise my voice deliberately and Johanna rounds the corner and makes a rude gesture with her finger. Katniss rolls her eyes.

“I just can’t imagine how Finn got such colorful language,” she grumbles, glaring at Johanna. Finn rolls his eyes at his aunt. 

“No one gives a damn about my colorful language, Aunt Katniss.” 

“Your mother does,” I protest. “And she should be here any minute so cool it.” 

“Whatever. I gotta go anyway. Analise is waiting for me.”

“WHO is Analise,” Johanna positively squeals. Finn crosses his arms.

“I told you about her already. We’re going to the Halloween dance together. I’ll see you guys later.”

“Hold up…you’re not dressing up even a little bit,” Katniss says, looking him up and down. He screws up his nose and I have to laugh at how much he reminds me of Finnick.

“Dressing up is for babies.”

“Ahem,” I clear my throat, indicating his aunts and uncle. He just shakes his head at us.

“You guys are a special class of weird. See you later.” With a slam of the door, he’s gone. Katniss shakes her head in exasperation.

“Teenagers. I feel so bad for Annie right now.”

“He’s still a good kid,” I insist. “He’s just…growing up.”

“Thank god I have a long time before I deal with that shit,” Johanna says as she scoops her son from my arms. She makes faces at Aran, which causes him to giggle and reach out toward her. I grin and ruffle his dark hair before I make my way over to my wife. She smiles up at me and wraps her arms around my neck, knocking my horns askew. I scowl and she laughs as she adjusts them.

“I like this devilish look on you,” she purrs. 

“I think everyone expected you to go for the devil character, to be honest. I’m too sweet, I should be the angel.” She snorts and leans up to kiss me before I can say anything else.

“It’s ok. Neither one of us are too angelic,” she says in a low voice as her hand squeezes my ass through my tight costume. I bite my lip and chance a look over at Johanna, who is busy entertaining her son. 

“Katniss,” I whisper warningly. She leans in close and I feel her tongue graze my ear. “I want you so much right now, Peeta. The moment we get home I want you to fuck me so hard that I can’t walk tomorrow.”   
Oh my fuck does this woman know the secret to unmanning me in half a second! She pulls away, gives me a sly wink, and crosses the room to Johanna and Aran. I have to turn and adjust my rather tight pants before I face the women again. Dammit. I’m going to be thinking of nothing but that scenario all night long. I hear the door open again and Katniss turns to welcome Annie, Effie, and Haymitch. She kisses each of them on the cheek and Haymitch raises a brow.

“Really sweetheart? An angel? Who are you trying to fool?”

“Oh you thought Peeta should be the angel?” He casts me a look and chuckles.

“I don’t think it suits either of you. Both of you should have horns.”

“Manners,” Effie scolds him gently, slapping his hand. “Peeta darling, you look positively delicious in that costume.” 

“Seriously Effie, you can’t say things like that anymore,” Haymitch says with a grimace. “He’s like, our son or something.” I’m surprised by Haymitch’s words but clap him on the shoulder.

“Are we about ready? I told Delly we would meet her and Dex at eight-thirty and it’s already past eight.” 

“Wait, where’s Finn,” Annie says, looking around.

“He said he would see us there, Annie.” Her face falls.

“Where did I go wrong with that boy?”

“You didn’t,” Katniss says firmly. “He’s a teenage boy. You have been nothing but amazing. This is just a phase, he’ll come around.” 

“You want to raise another one,” Johanna says as she holds out her giggling son. “I’m exhausted.” Annie laughs softly.

“No thanks, one was enough. Besides I know you would never part from your little guy.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t,” Jo says as she kisses Aran’s pudgy cheeks. Katniss hands me my pitchfork and I drape my arm around her shoulder. 

Her damn wings keep getting in the way of us dancing and she finally rips them off toward the end of the night. Likewise I toss aside the pitchfork and horns so now I just look like a weird guy in tight red pants. Who cares? It’s our District 12 neighbors at this dance and no one is staring at us, like they used to. I’m thankful the Star-Crossed Lovers nonsense was sort of put to rest several years ago and we have been able to live our lives peacefully and happily. I gaze down into my wife’s eyes as we circle slowly, and I feel her hands playing with the small hairs at the back of my neck, which cause me to shiver. She grins up at me and stands on her tiptoes to kiss me. It’s been several weeks since we had the conversation about trying for a baby and I admit, we are trying really hard! No complaints here but I still rest my hand on her stomach, hopeful that I will feel something there one day.

She lingers after a soft kiss and I feel her tongue across my lips, as her kisses intensify. Deciding it’s probably not a good idea to ravage her in front of our friends and neighbors, we swiftly tell everyone good night and hurry to the car. When we get inside the house, I strip her of her angel robes, revealing absolutely nothing underneath. She cries out when I pounce on her and we have a hard time getting my pants off. I obey her earlier wishes and slam into her, swallowing her screams. I quickly flip her onto her stomach and pin her wrists with my hand, crushing her into the bed. Her dark braid wrapped around my hand, I yank back and she gasps as she arches her back and I pull her head back for a kiss. My lips cover hers as I slide inside her and she squeals into my mouth. I snap my hips and my balls slap against her thighs as I plunder the sweet body before me. I hope she doesn’t intend to leave the house tomorrow, because I’m pretty sure she won’t have the strength to move a muscle. Neither will I, more than likely. But if it means a day of bed rest with my wife, I’m perfectly content with that fact.


	86. Chapter 86

I can’t breathe. I can’t move, I can’t think. I can’t do anything but stare down at the little flashing stick that I hold in my hand. 

Pregnant. 2+ 

Why can’t I move? I want to move. I want to laugh or cry or call Peeta or do something! But I can only sit here. Staring.

After what seems like hours, I get up to toss the stick but find that I can’t. It’s proof, right here in my hand. I walk to the mirror and gaze at my reflection. I raise my shirt a little and turn to the side, cocking my head. Well of course I can hardly see anything. But I can just imagine Peeta kissing my belly and talking to the baby…  
I gasp. How am I going to tell Peeta? What will he say? I know he’ll be excited. He is always holding baby Aran every chance he gets. This…this is different. This will be his child.

His and mine. Ours. Our baby.

Oh god. My hand goes to my mouth and I run into the bathroom, just in time to kneel over the toilet.  
He wants this. We both do. We had this conversation so recently and decided we would try. I just didn’t think it would happen so quickly! According to this…it happened before our conversation! 

I’m still in the bathroom when Peeta comes home and knocks on the door. I gasp, realizing I’m still holding the positive pregnancy test.  
I hastily wrap it in a tissue and stuff it under the sink. The door opens a second later and I groan as I look up at his worried face.

“Katniss, what’s wrong?” 

“I…I’ve just been feeling ill today.”

“Have you eaten?” I shake my head and he purses his lips as he sits on the tub behind me, gathering my hair in his hands.

“How about I make you some soup? Might be easier to keep down.”

“Ok,” I say weakly. He wraps my hair in a bun and kisses my forehead as he hurries out of the bathroom. I lean over the toilet and close my eyes. 

I’m not sick, Peeta. I’m pregnant.

I’m going to have a baby. Your baby.

Peeta…you’re going to be a daddy.

None of them sound right. Nothing sounds special enough. This is Peeta’s dream, his greatest wish since he married me, and now I can give this to him.   
I decide like Johanna, I will wait to tell him. Until I find out the perfect way to reveal it, I won’t say anything. I won’t tell the girls either. We’ll see how long I can keep this secret to myself. Halloween is in two weeks. Peeta and I have yet to figure out what we are going to the party as. I’ll find a way to tell him then.

As it turns out, I actually can keep this secret to myself. Quite well, in fact. Halloween was a lot of fun and Peeta gave me some of the best sex I have ever had. I briefly felt guilty, wondering if it was ok to be doing this with a baby inside me, but I remember my mother giving that advice back in the Seam and she said sex does not harm the baby. I press my palms to my stomach every chance I get. Peeta has commented that I have this lovely glow lately and I cover it up by attacking him with kisses. The baby is already messing my hormones, that’s for sure. I literally can’t get enough of him. After our fifth round one night, he leans over me, panting and shakes his head.

“Shit Katniss, what has gotten into you? Are you trying some kind of new birth control?”

“No, why would you say that?”

“Last time you were this horny you were just starting your pills. I don’t think we have had this much sex since we got married.” I raise my brow as I run my fingers up and down his biceps.

“Are you complaining?”

“Hell no,” he laughs. “I’m just curious, that’s all.” That’s Peeta. Ever intuitive and always in tune with my feelings. I lean up and kiss him and he immediately stops questioning me as I grind my hips upwards, feeling him stir deep within me.  
The next morning, I decide to call Dr. Mersa. I tell her my news and ask her how soon I should come in. She says it’s a good idea to check on the baby, and when I tell her how far along I am, she says that it’s about time for an ultrasound. I grip the phone.

“Is that where you can see it?”

“Sometimes you can’t see much but you should be far enough along that we can see a heartbeat.”

I suddenly know how to tell Peeta and decide this will be my anniversary gift to him. 

On the morning of our fifteenth wedding anniversary, I wake up to him kissing his way down my body. He catches my eye and grins as my head falls back and my hips jerk upwards. 

After we make love twice, he goes down to cook breakfast and comes back with a tray for both of us. We chew our food silently as I ponder how I should go about this.

“What do we have planned for today,” I ask him quietly.

“I was honestly looking forward to just spending a day in bed with you. It’s getting colder outside and god knows we haven’t had a lot of free time lately.” 

“Ok,” I say slowly. “But…I have a doctor’s appointment this morning. Maybe you could come with me and we can get some lunch before we come home?” His brow furrows.

“What kind of doctor’s appointment? Is everything alright?” 

“Yeah, it’s just a routine check up. You know, every day stuff.”

“On our anniversary?” his voice sounds strained and I bite my lip.

“Doctor Mersa is out of town for the next several weeks. This was her only day available.” He sighs heavily and reaches for a cheesebun.

“Alright. I’ll get a shower and get dressed.”

“Hey,” I stop him and he raises a brow. “Aren’t you going to ask me to join you?” His face breaks into a smile and his eyes light up.

“Mrs. Mellark, would you join me for a shower?”

“I would love to, Mr. Mellark, thank you for asking.” I say as I take his outstretched hand and follow him into the bathroom.  
\--

I shift uncomfortably as I wait for them to call my name. Peeta flips through the pages of an old magazine and hums softly to himself.

“Katniss Mellark.” I jump to my feet and Peeta looks up in me in confusion.

“Honey, you sure you’re ok?”

“I’m fine. Come on, they’re waiting for me.” I squeeze his hand and follow the nurse to the back room. Peeta doesn’t seem to be too suspicious as Doctor Mersa hands me a gown to change into and pulls a machine and a screen over but he frowns as he squeezes my hand.

“She’s ok, right?”

“She’s just fine, Peeta. Katniss this is going to be a little cold,” she says quietly as she spreads some thick goo over my belly. Peeta’s confused frown hasn’t left and I start to wonder if this was a good idea. Surely he is worrying about me right now. The screen flicks on but Peeta’s eyes remain on me. Doctor Mersa moves a wand device over my stomach and I suddenly hear something. It’s faint but oh my god does it make my heart flutter. I squeeze Peeta’s hand and I sit up a little. His arm goes behind my back to steady me and he looks pale. 

“Katniss. Peeta. You might want take a look at this,” she says softly. My eyes go to the screen and they instantly fill with tears. There on the screen is the proof that I can’t deny. A tiny being, a combination of Peeta and me. I immediately start to hope he or she will have Peeta’s eyes. His smile, his golden curls, his patience, his sweet heart, his passion, his talent for baking. I don’t think I want anything of mine to pass down to it. Let it be all Peeta.   
Doctor Mersa rises to her feet and mutters that she will be right back, disappearing from the room as she gives me a wink. Peeta is staring at the screen with wide eyes and a gaping jaw. He turns back to me, his eyes echoing his disbelief.

“Katniss?” I take his face in my hands and gently kiss his lips before I pull away.

“Happy anniversary, Peeta. This is our gift. Our little miracle.” He’s still not getting it. In fact, I become afraid that he may have an episode. He starts sweating, his hands are shaking, and he’s biting his lip. My grasp on his cheeks tighten.

“Peeta, are you--“

“Real or not real, Katniss. We’re going to have a baby.” I give him a weak smile.

“Real, Peeta. Look at your baby.” His eyes go back to the screen but only for a moment. They bore into mine, almost piercing my heart and soul. 

“Our baby,” he says in the barest of whispers. I nod and bite my lip as I wait for him to move or say something else. When he does, I squeal as he pulls me into his arms and crushes my lips with his. He breaks away and then he is kissing my face and neck and hands and anywhere else his lips can find. I giggle as I swat him away and his arms wrap around my waist.

“Oh my god, Katniss! Oh my god!” 

“I love you, Peeta. Are you happy?”

“I love you, Katniss. I love you so much…more than I have ever loved another being. I can’t…this is…is this really happening?” 

“You’re going to be a daddy,” I breathe gently and his eyes soften and fill with tears. 

“Oh Katniss,” he says weakly and he pulls me into my arms and I feel his tears on my arm.

“Please don’t cry, Peeta,” I say in a muffled voice. “Please don’t. Please be happy.”

“I have never been so happy. I thought the day you became my wife was the happiest day of my life but this…this is the moment I wish I could freeze and live in forever.” I smile up at him as I gently ruffle his curls.

“Hold off on that, Peeta. I’m sure you will have so many moments that you will want to freeze. We have so many moments ahead of us.”

“You’re right. And I can’t wait to live each and every one of them with you.” 

END 

 

\--note: Will start posting the sequel very soon ;) don't worry, this story's far from over! ;) XOXO


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